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forestthoughts1219 · 2 years ago

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how we survive | azriel

summary; you and rhysand keep one another sane under the mountain, until you can return to your mate, at long last. word count; 5143 notes; yeah, listen, this is rough. obvious trigger warnings for UTM stuff, not just for rhys but reader too. it's hard going. this is pretty much pure angst. also, it's not romantically rhys, but there's honestly more rhys than az, I think. it's just an angsty little piece, so, roll with it. please take caution when reading though, there are quite a few sensitive triggers in it.

If there was one thing Rhysand had both hated and loved in his time Under the Mountain, it had been your presence. He'd been reluctant to take you to the party at all; the party he'd prepared to go to and never leave, the party at which he'd planned to commit his biggest sin of all. And yet, he hadn't been able to stop you, when he'd banned all of his friends from attending in his company, and you'd laid your own invitation on the dinner table before him. Amarantha had wanted you both, and not bringing you would have risen suspicions from the start. And so, the Night Court's favourite courtier, the infamous star in the dark, the woman known to bring kingdoms to her knees with a well-placed smile, had bowed with mock politeness before the red-haired Queen at his side.

For ten years after that fateful night, Rhysand had told you how he hated himself every day for allowing you to come with him, let his chin wobble in rare moments alone as he apologised profusely. In the eleventh year, even that small part of his restraint had broken. He'd clung to you, sobbing endlessly until his knees had given way, until the two of you had been slumped against the wall in one of your hidden nooks, crying in one another's arms. He'd confessed his pain, that over that last couple of years he'd stopped feeling guilty at all, he'd stopped wishing he could go back and change that day, change the way it all happened.

You'd watched his face crumble as he confessed he wasn't sorry at all anymore, that he thought himself selfish and heartless, for thanking the Mother you had come, that he had someone, a friend he cared for so much, a friend he loved so dearly, just one person who knew he wasn't truly a monster, even on the days he thought he was slowly becoming one. You'd cried too, and told him he was your only remaining tether to your heart, that as everything else was slowly becoming stone as cold and hard as the walls confining you both, he was your star in the dark.

For forty years after that day, you had shared Rhysand's bed. Every night he wasn't held by Amarantha until morning, he'd crawl back into his bed, into your arms, and cry silently into your neck until he fell asleep. Every night you weren't expected to play the seductive courtier, the role Amarantha had carved for you, a prize she'd reward for loyalty, the only thing keeping you safe, you crawled back to him. And he held you, soothing your hiccuping sobs with soft murmurs, playing with your hair until you dozed off. Every night, you held one another, tethered one another, found new ways, every way possible to stop the other's soul from shattering entirely.

He would use those lingering pieces of his powers to show you memories of Azriel, when so many decades had passed you'd both begun to forget what their faces looked like, the emotions held in every snapshot warmed you both through. Every story you whispered in the dark, the same ones over and over of your family back home, never failed to bring either of you back from the brink. Jokes from Cassian that you both knew word for word, tales Azriel would tell of all the wonderful places he'd see on his travels, stories from Mor of her parties, myths from Amren, everything that stitched the broken pieces of you both together, holding tight, as long as you could.

You'd whisper to him, as his head lay on your chest and your fingers combed through dark hair, what it felt like to have a mate. And somehow, despite all the darkness, the smile that would paint his lips let you know that he believed it when you told him he'd have that one day. When you were overwhelmed, when the façade became too much, Rhysand would sweep you up into dances to keep away the filthy hands of those males that always slipped too far, and he'd waltz you across the floor until you could no longer stand. He'd make sure to stay sober on the nights you drank, to keep an eye on you as you sent yourself into oblivion to simply forget it, and you'd do the same for him on the nights he could no longer bare it. He kept you warm, he kept you whole, he kept you sane, as you did for him.

The day he had woken up, gasping for breath and jerking so violently in your arms that it stirred you too, he spilt all about that first dream; when he'd first seen that woman. He told you every morning, as you shared a pillow, with soft smiles before the day truly started, he'd recount every detail of what he'd seen the mysterious woman in his dreams do. He told you about the flowers on the table, the scenes of a forest he didn't recognise, a human town and what it was like. He told you of the night he sent something back, the night sky image he'd pushed to her, the glint in his eyes that had been missing for almost half a century was finally back.

That night, when the two of you recalled one of the many well-worn tales Cassian would tell when drunk, instead of merely smiling fondly, the two of you had laughed. Laughed so hard and loud that tears spilled from your eyes, you'd been clutching one another, gasping for breath at the amusement of old memories. And you'd stayed awake all night, talking and sharing jokes, until the silent halls outside the doors had filled with sound once again.

He'd come back shaking from his trip to Calanmai, wound up in such a frenzy that when he fell into bed that night you'd had to spread your entire body across the top of his to hold his shaking down. The night after, when he'd returned looking stricken and pale from his visit to Spring Court, he'd thrown up every bite of dinner the two of you had shared, he’d cried his way through three bottles of wine as he told you about how he just knew that woman, the woman from his dreams, the one he'd met, was his mate. How he'd never see her again, but was so grateful for such a gift. You were sure it was breaking the final parts of your heart, as he clung to you that night so tightly, in a way he hadn't done since the first few years of seeking comfort in one another.

When you'd watched his face fall apart as Feyre, her name finally known to you both, had been dragged into the main hall, you'd done what you do best, what you'd done for months-shy of fifty years. You gave your everything to hold Rhys together. When you watched the last threads begin to fray, you'd pressed a drink into his hand, and stood behind his chair, running your fingers through his hair and crooned mocking words at his mate that only made Amarantha laugh; you'd felt Rhys jerk away from your touch in anger at you for saying such wicked things, but you knew it was best. His fear turned to anger, his emotions were directed at you and not his mate, and it saved his life.

You let him be angry, that night you had let him seethe, you had let him turn away from you in your shared bed, let him sleep so far from your body that not even his wings touched you, even if it broke your heart. The following morning, you did the same, you grinned and giggled as Amarantha practically tortured Feyre, and Rhysand wore his usual mask, the anger broiling at you fuelling all of it. You saved his life, again. He did not come to bed at all that night. In the morning, his smell was in the bathroom, the door locked, as he scrubbed away the scent of Amarantha that lingered in the air.

And upon the day of Feyre's first trial, you sowed the seeds as he fretted over his mate. You lounged, and gambled on her success to incite others against the Queen, you danced with any male bold enough to try and get his hands on you only to whisper into his ear your own misgivings. When murmurings of Feyre possibly breaking the curse reached Rhysand's ears from the crowd by the end of the night, you watched something spark in his eyes.

When he came to bed that night, he smelt of the dampness of the mountain dungeons, of blood and of humans, and he collapsed down tiredly with his cheek pressed to your shoulder, whispering his apologies, begging for forgiveness. And you held him, you answered by wrapping your arms so tightly around him he shuddered with suppressed sobs, because you'd felt that craze, that pain, that longing, with your own mate. The one you were so desperate to see once again someday, and you hoped Feyre was the key.

She was. You watched her die to break the curse, you watched Rhysand prepare to give his life with her, and you prepared to give your own to stop him. It took every shred of strength that you'd had to hold him back, everything you had when he'd clawed and fought at you to let him go when he'd watched Amarantha snap her neck, and he'd collapsed to the floor in shock, staring at you in agony and betrayal as the breaking sound of her neck echoed the cavernous room.

You'd cupped his face, fingers smoothing over the tears on his cheeks to clear them, the sounds of Tamlin tearing Amarantha to shreds falling away as background noise. "Hold the bond, Rhysand. Grip it tight, use that power that's coming back, and hold on. Do not let her go, you can keep her with you." And so he had, he hadn't blinked, hadn't flinched, while you'd held his eye and wiped away every tear, until he'd gasped on a hoarse throat, lips flickering at the edges. "I've got her." He had whispered.

Everything had been a blur after that, watching all of the high Lords bring her back, Rhys' fingers had never left your own for even a second once he'd taken your hand. Everything was changing, too much, too fast from the way it had sat stagnant and rotting for fifty years, and you were both afraid to let the other go. Afraid that if you did, the other would disappear. On the balcony, as he called to her, to make sure she was alright and that everything would begin to fall as it should, he finally let you go, but only when you felt his mind wrap around yours wholly; no walls, nothing between you both now as it had been for so long. With his power back, he dared to, he dared to let his hand leave yours just to step a few metres away onto the balcony, to take a breath of fresh air, as he clung to your mind with his own. A safety net, a reassurance.

He'd panicked, you'd felt the snapping of his mate bond in his chest, felt it ricochet through his connection to you, and before you’d known it, the two of you were gone. His hands were gripping your shoulders as pure night unfurled around you both, and when you could see again, you were home.

Walls you thought you'd never lay eyes on again, paintings you'd forgotten the colours of, people whose faces you'd forgotten, smells that had long since faded from your nose, it all came crashing down. Mor had been the first there, and she'd caught Rhysand as he collapsed, mumbling about his mate, the utterly numbing feeling that washed over your whole body when that bond snapped, you'd felt it yourself. And for the first time in fifty years, you felt your bond hum, pulse, and jump-start within your chest. A dead thread as heavy as chains that had been wrapped around your heart with the suppression of that mountain, that curse, it finally came back to life. You felt the pull, so hard and fast you stumbled forward, knees hitting the ground so harshly you winced, your palms shooting out to catch yourself before you hit the tiles.

You never reached them, though, your shoulders jerked as you were caught, cold shadows whipping as space and time were wrenched open, and then a warm body was holding you. You gasped, a heaving breath, nails scraping over thick leather as you tried to haul heavy breaths into lungs that refused to open. Your head was spinning, you couldn't breathe, you couldn't think. The smells, that same comforting smell you'd forgotten so long ago were now washing over you in waves, every taut muscle went loose as you collapsed into his chest.

Your mate, your husband, your love.

His arms circled you, strong and warm and safe, so much like the way Rhysand had held you but never enough, never the same, he hadn't been Azriel. No, now you had him, and he shushed you, his entire body trembling almost as much as yours did, crying as hard and as loudly as you did, gripping with the same fierceness. You were shrouded with darkness, his wings wrapping around you, a warmth that no fire or blanket could ever bring, shadows swirling faster and faster until you were practically concealed inside of a bubble only for the two of you.

Nothing was said, not as the bond between you both finally sang, a feeling you'd once worried would never come back, a feeling you'd accepted was lost to you years ago, it was back. You felt every burst of Azriel's emotions, crashing in vicious collisions with yours, both of you left breathless to finally be able to feel one another again. That bond was pulling tight, strumming between your two hearts in absolute ecstasy.

When you'd finally been able to pull away, you'd had no strength at all. You'd remained slumped on the floor, surrounded by his wings and a thick wall of shadows, but you mustered enough strength. Enough to cup his face, to run your thumbs over his cheeks, to memorise the way he looked once again, to commit every single piece of him to heart, to promise never again to forget the way his eyes crinkled at the edges when he finally smiled, to never forget the shine in those amber eyes, to never forget the curl of his lips as he whispered your name.

It was hours before his shadows finally calmed enough to free the two of you, to let the light of the home slip back in. Hours of whispered conversations, hours of confessions and tears, hours of long stretches of silence that consisted of merely holding one another, drowning in one another once again.

When the light started to leak in, conversation from outside of that bubble was returned, and your chest swelled full of emotions you thought you'd cried out. It was back, great tidal waves of it as you set your eyes on Cassian, who'd dropped to his knees so fast you thought they'd crack, and swept you into a hug so crushing you'd feel it for days. You cried with him, and held him, with Azriel's fingers never quite leaving you, always there, always touching.

When Mor had taken Cassian's place, Azriel had hovered, finally standing, stretching out legs that had lost sensation, flexing tight wings, his hand resting in your hair as he rubbed soothingly at your scalp. No matter how long passed, he'd never forgotten just how to give you exactly what you needed. Then Amren, she had always been cold, always composed, and yet even she had offered a smile, a thick swallow with a nod of her head, and a hug that lasted barely a few seconds but held everything you needed to know. Even Amren had missed you both.

Dinner that night was quiet, and tense, with everyone waiting for you or Rhys to say something, everyone waiting for someone else to break the silence. You'd taken a seat next to your friend, your best friend, on instinct. Azriel had a hand resting over your knee, on the back of your chair, always touching you in some way. Yet those skittish touches had paused when Rhysand had reached out, instinctively, taking your hand during one of Cassian's stories and lacing your fingers together, hidden under the table to sit on his thigh. You'd felt confusion, and hurt, echo down the bond, as shadows swirled possessively of their own accord around your wrist, tugging at Rhysand’s impatiently.

You squeezed your friend’s hand tighter, and sent nothing but love down the bond to your mate. It was hard, to snap out of a mentality that you'd grown so used to over fifty years. You were lost, sinking in it all, you couldn't breathe, like you were being pulled down through the thick lakes in Oorid. No matter how much you loved your friends, no matter how much you had missed them, it was too much, all at once.

Your breathing got shallower and shallower, and you could feel Rhysand's pulse beating faster and faster against your own as he felt the same. The night was running on, but the food was tasting like ash in your mouth and the wine was bitter and made you cringe, and you were gripping one another's hands so tightly that each of your knuckles were white.

Rhysand had snapped first, standing abruptly and taking your hand with him, everyone's gaze closing in on it, and he dropped it a second too late. He said he needed his quiet, he needed some space, needed to think. They understood, and you could have cried when they bid you a soft farewell, before Azriel had winnowed you both home. Home to a bedroom you barely recognised anymore, to unfamiliar smells. A bedroom with windows, the light of the night pouring in, the sounds of happiness in the streets buzzing in your ears.

Silence, was all that was left after Azriel drew the curtains, and prepared to change for bed. You were frozen, in the middle of the room, because you couldn't remember. You couldn't remember your own home now, you couldn't remember where your pyjamas were, or which side of the bed was yours, or even what your address was.

And something broke. Tears streamed wordlessly, soundlessly, down your cheeks as you stared at the bed, a bed you hardly remembered. The longer you looked, the harder your chest heaved. It was made of pale wood, covered by thick blue sheets made of cotton and pillows that were fresh and crisp and white. But, dark silk taunted you behind your eyes, mountains of maroon pillows on a black frame, the wicked curve of red lips as you recalled the room Amarantha had given to you, given to both you and Rhysand, a sick gift as she promised you that you could 'have her dripping leftovers' back each night. A game, just another one she'd played with you, as she tested how far she could push you and Rhys, to see if you'd ever both truly snap.

Azriel approached, slowly and cautiously, one hand looping loosely around your waist, the other coming up to weave into your hair, moving until your face was pressed to his neck. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," There was so much wrong, so much you couldn't remember, couldn't shake away, so much you hated about yourself and what had happened that you would never be able to leave behind. Things you may never be able to voice.

"I-I could smell it - him - on you as soon as I held you." His voice cracked, and confusion filled you, sadness of his own meeting yours in a twist between your hearts. Worst of all, came the crushing guilt, because you'd always imagined that coming home to Azriel would be nothing short of perfection, and yet the routine you'd formed with Rhysand was jarring in its absence now. "It's okay, it was so long. He was all you had, and it's okay. I can feel that you still love me, as I still love you. It's okay if you love him too."

"Azriel. Az, my love. Rhysand, he held me together when I missed you so much I thought I'd never-" You choked on a sob, and he only nodded, head moving as it lay atop yours to tell you he understood, you didn't have to say it. "I love him, I love him more than anything, and he gave me everything he had under that mountain, as I gave him everything I had, to keep one another whole. But please, believe me, trust me, and rest assured when I say that I have never been in love with anyone other than you."

He pressed a kiss to your temple, head dipping to kiss your cheeks, your nose, everywhere he could reach, before he was pausing with his lips brushing your own. He believed you, you knew, you felt it, and when his lips closed softly over your own, a fresh batch of tears poured from both of you. It was soft, and delicate, learning the taste of one another once again, and when he pulled back, it was like he was taking all of your thoughts with him. "It's okay. We can learn it all again, everything, I'll show you it all. You are home, you are back with me, and I will not let you go again."

"I was worried this was a dream," you whispered, voice thick as he guided you slowly towards the bed, and you tried to blink back any more tears. Your throat was raw, your eyes burned and your skin was stinging from how much you cried today. You didn't want anymore. you couldn't. "But I know that it's not a dream. I know, because I had forgotten the smallest details of your face, the way you smelled, and how it felt to be held by you. I know it's not a dream, because my mind had lost the ability to conjure you like this for comfort so long ago."

You sat nervously on the side of the bed that he directed you to, and it felt familiar. It felt reassuring, your fingers brushing over the bedside table on this side as it all started to come back to you. You watched as he silently moved to the dresser against the wall. One with a vase full of fresh flowers, you did remember that, you loved those fresh flowers, it had been your pride to get new ones for the bedroom every week, and you'd missed flowers so much when you'd been where none would grow. He opened a drawer, pulling out a set of pyjamas you didn't remember owning, but the fact he'd never packed your things away, they'd always sat here waiting for you, made you settle so much you felt weightless.

"I want to-" You didn't know, didn't know how to say that you couldn't wear those, that they no longer belonged to you, they weren't what you wanted, or needed. Some kind of base need thrummed down the bond, instinctive and subconscious, but the flare of his wings told you that Azriel understood. Slowly, he reached behind himself, unbuttoning the clasps of his leathers, stripping off that top layer and discarding it to the floor. A soft but worn t-shirt sat underneath, stuck to his skin and falling loose with every heavy breath. He undid that too, but rather than throwing it, he held it out.

It was warm, the heat of his body keeping it so as it fell into your hands, and you clutched the bundle up to your nose, taking a deep breath, and feeling the last of the tension drip from your body. Standing on weak and shaky legs, you stripped off your clothes, uncaring of the eyes that never left your form. Your body hadn't been your own for a long time now, simply another possession of Amarantha's, and you were too tired to care about his stare. Even as he took in every new bruise or scar, even as he took in every fresh new whorl of ink on your skin, and itched to know what kind of bargains you'd had to make that branded you.

When you tugged his shirt over your head, feeling the brush of the warm cotton, drenched in his scent, your head spun. And for the first time in the whole night, you finally felt truly at home. You could breathe, lungs filling all the way up, a rush through your blood. Seconds later, Azriel's knuckles were brushing your back, quietly doing up the clasps to hold the material closed, despite the gaping patches from your lack of wings. When he finished, you fell into bed, puffing up the pillows and watching tiredly as he changed himself. He did not bother with a shirt, despite the chill in the air, and you both knew why.

He plunged the room into darkness before joining you in bed, and the second he was within reach under the covers, you plastered your body to his. He chuckled lightly, though no humour filled it, and his hands gripped you just as tightly as you held him.

It was within that same tight embrace that you fell asleep. It was soundless sleep, one of exhaustion and weariness that not even nightmares could find you, but the second your subconscious felt Azriel moving, you were snapped from it so violently your stomach churned.

Your hand flew out to his side of the bed, warm still, fingers grasping the sheets as panic rose. It was dark, so dark, you couldn't see a thing and for a second you were sure you had dreamt it all. You were alone again, wrapped in taunting silk in a horrid shade of red as Rhys was detained by Amarantha again, and it was as you were gulping in harsh breaths that you heard it. Knocking, loud and reverberating through your home from the wooden front door. Shadows whispered across your cheeks as your hand flung out, illuminating the faelight on the bedside table. Your hand crashed into the lamp, knocking it into the wall.

Swirls of darkness remained around you even as the room was lit, and you took a deep breath. They were comforting, weaving through your hair and nudging across your cheeks to wipe away tears, a sure sign that your mate hadn't been ripped from you once again, but it didn't stop the fear. Nothing stopped it, until he returned, the banging stopped, and he reappeared sleepily in the open bedroom doorway, slipping inside. As you set your eyes on him, you could finally breathe again, and he rubbed tiredly at his face, but rigidly alert the second he took in the tear tracks on your cheeks in the faint glow of the room.

"What happened, my love?"

"You- you can't-" Your heart stammered, chest aching at the tightness, and you held hard onto his hands to tug him closer as soon as his knees hit the bed. "You can't leave me. You can't go. Anywhere. I thought- I was alone again, don't leave me, Azriel, don't go, don't-"

He shook his head, closing in enough to press a shaky kiss to your lips, and when you calmed enough to twist back to your pillows, you realised he hadn't returned alone. Lingering in the doorway was Rhysand, dried tear stains on his own cheeks, feet bare as he stood in the doorway of your bedroom.

"I'm sorry for coming here." He whispered, shrugging helplessly as a laugh so hollow and self-deprecating left him your own heart ached. You could feel the agony washing down the bond from Azriel, as he took in his long-lost brother. "I... I can't sleep without you. I can't sleep alone. I'm too scared to get in my bed. It's too big, and cold, and-"

You shifted further into the large bed toward the middle, toward Azriel's side, then lifted the covers, and Rhysand cut himself off with a sniffle, holding back his tears like you were trying to do. He shuffled across the room, stumbling in a way so un-lordlike you committed it to memory, until one day, maybe, you'd be healed enough to tease him for it. He settled into the bed, and you tucked the blankets around his body as he settled into the mattress, finally losing a sigh, that carried away everything he'd been holding onto.

"I'm sorry, Azriel."

Your mate settled in behind you, one arm curling under your body to pull you flush to his back, the other reaching over you, beyond you, to settle a comforting weight on Rhysand's shoulder. The lord's eyes lined with silver, and he squeezed them shut. "You have nothing to be sorry for, brother. You kept my mate alive, you stopped her from breaking, and you brought her home to me. I am happy that you found solace in one another, and that you are both home. If it had to happen, I would not wish it to have happened any other way. If this is what you need, then this is what you shall have."

You settled one hand over Azriel's where it held you tightly to his body, and the other reached out, settling over Rhys' and weaving your friend's fingers through your own from where it sat on his pillow. He gripped back tightly, sniffing back tears once again. "Thank you." He whispered, voice unable to go any louder.

He winked out the lamp once again, three sets of breaths harmonising in the room as true peace fell over you all. "Thank you, for taking care of her, Rhysand. One day, when you find your mate, I hope I'll somehow be able to repay that debt. But this? You can have this for as long as you need. We are yours for as long as you need us."

Rhys whispered his thanks, the words hanging in the air, and he tapped at your mental shields. You squeezed, knowing what he wanted, and he gave a soft scrape in silent thanks. He wasn't ready to tell them yet, to tell the rest of your family that he had met his mate, that he knew her and lost her, but he would one day. Until then, you'd keep his secret, and you'd slowly heal, together, now that you were home.

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forestthoughts1219 · 2 years ago

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A detective story where the narrator grows increasingly frustrated at the detective’s inability to see what is so PAINFULLY OBVIOUS

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forestthoughts1219 · 3 years ago

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I have three modes of reading

Dont read

Read a 500 page book in a day

Read only fanfiction until my eyeballs drop out of my skull from exhaustion

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forestthoughts1219 · 3 years ago

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𝙈𝘼𝙔 𝙍𝙀𝘾𝙎 𝙄𝙄

𝙋𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙞 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚

𝙊𝙣𝙚 𝙎𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙨

Right, here, baby @mvtthewmurdvck

Make it reality * @buckybarnesandmarvel

Unanswered @iamthecabbage

Run these streets * @dilemmaontwolegs

Lost boy * @/dilemmaontwolegs

Back to you * @/dilemmaontwolegs

Naive * @heavysoldat

His prize * @musingsinmoonlight

Thigh slayer * @/musingsinmoonlight

Burning rose @kaunis-sielu

Not so forbidden @vanillanaps

Intentional * @buckycuddlebuddy

Freak in the sheets * @/buckycuddlebuddy

Soup and crackers * @baroquebucky

Talk to me, I’m here. @peachyelena

The truth is: I’m a liar @imtryingmyfuckingbest

Say so * @the-real-steve-rogers

Game on, Barnes * @bunnyscraft

Heat * @luminnara

Crave * @harrylovex

Untitled * @becca-e-barnes

Untitled * @/becca-e-barnes

My cue to leave * @/becca-e-barnes

Untitled @darkdarkstucky

Hopelessly devoted to you * @bonky-n-steeb

Got your chemicals all in my veins * @/bonky-n-steeb

Sweet release. * @stuckylaufeyson

Stay quiet * @carbonfiction

Dreams, memories * @idy-ll-ique

Before we go * @bumblebeebucky

Blinded by love hate @natashxromanovf

In the late hours, I’m yours to have. * @cityofstqrs

𝙈𝙞𝙣𝙞 𝙎𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙨

Start over | Part II * @chouettedubois

Fearless | Don’t you | The way I loved you (s.s) @calwrites

Bucky x pregnant!Reader | Part II @buckybarnesb-tch

Field trip | Part II * @the-witty-pen-name

Fieldwork | Conflict of interest @elixirfromthestars

I think I wanna marry you @likeahorribledream

𝙎𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙨 (bold are complete)

Misconceptions @firefly-in-darkness

Sky full of song * @wkemeup

The old man’s grocery order * @yarnforbrains

True both ways @/yarnforbrains

The two of us * @bucky-bucket-barnes

Where it blooms @wonderbreadbucky

The last name @demonpoxballad

Awake my soul @foreverindreamlandd

No such thing @sanguineterrain

Time after time @intrepidacious

A line through your @ means I couldn’t tag you!

𝙏𝙖𝙜𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩 ﾟ*✧ 𝙅𝙤𝙞𝙣 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 18+

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forestthoughts1219 · 3 years ago

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Vital Organs

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Summary: Reader is in love with her best friend, Bucky. The feeling is mutual but having a troubled relationship with her father means that she’s scared to risk the heartbreak.

A/N: I MAY have cried while writing this. To all the girls who, like me, have shitty dads and derive a lot of comfort from Bucky - I’m dedicating this to you. We deserved better.

“Do ya think you’d ever go on a date with me?”

Bucky’s words echoed in your brain, sending a sharp pain in your chest with each repetition. The quietness in the jet only increased the agony of that moment being replayed. Your best friend had stood before you and put his emotions on the line - something he had never afforded himself to do. Then you made him realise why.

Two of your ribs were fractured from the mission but that thought was more painful.

“So quiet, what are you thinking about?” Yelena commented, looking over her shoulder from her pilot duties to check up on you.

“Nothing.” You replied putting your hand over your ribs and resting your back against the seat.

Bucky was going to be so worried when he’d found out you’d been injured. You could see it now, him following you around like a puppy. At least, he might have done if you’d given him a better answer than ‘I don’t know’ to a date. When you left for the mission he had worn a wounded expression that he’d desperately tried to conceal as you told him goodbye.

The truth is, when Bucky had asked you that question it threw your body into a complete state of conflict.

Your heart was about to burst out of your chest, as if it was trying to escape and connect with Bucky’s. It was crying out for you to say yes to him and take everything you had ever wanted.

That was until your brain stepped in and lassoed your heart to keep it in its place. The logic had corrupted you and was determined to prevent you from getting hurt. It wore you down and drowned out the excitement of your heart. It went to work in bringing back all the disappointment and hurt caused by your father who had left you behind at an early age.

But your lungs burned. The air was trapped in them and you struggled to breathe. It felt like you were being suffocated. It was a curious and familiar feeling from when you were younger.

To be the daughter of a man who abandons you is to constantly hold your breath in fear that if you let go, you’ll fall apart.

The other organs had overpowered and barricaded your lonely heart. They left you in the predicament of stuttering and stammering in front of a very nervous Bucky which had concluded with your pathetic answer. The memory had plagued you ever since.

Simultaneously, your brain provided you with flashbacks of being a child and waiting excitedly for a a man that rarely ever came. The feeling of disappointment after every interaction with your father that somehow managed to make you feel so unimportant had returned. The lump in your throat held there with every breath reminded you of the struggle to accept that he was never going to be what you needed to him to be.

It had taken some bone-crushing strength to move on. He was your father and you needed him to be better. As his child, you believed you should be the only motivation he needed to stop being so unreliable and grow up.

Whilst you were right, that is unfortunately not how the world works.

Now the perfect man had asked you the question you deemed was only possible in your wildest dreams. But to say yes to him was to give him access to potentially do the exact same thing as your father had done.

It was just too much of a risk.

The jet had landed with a halt and Yelena came over to assist you with walking off. You were quietly grateful for her, trying to hide just how much pain in you were in as you grasped Yelena’s shoulder.

Sam was poised and waiting for you both. Bucky stood next to him, fidgeting anxiously in anticipation of your return. He had spent the last few days licking his wounds in your absence. He had accepted that you had only ever been so affectionate with him because you were a good friend and he’d misinterpreted it. It fucking stung, but he respected that you can’t help how you feel. Although your answer had left him unsure where he stood with you, he was eager for you to return so he could be the best friend you needed him to be.

Bucky’s face fell as his eyes landed on Yelena holding you up with your arm round her shoulders and your regular wincing.

“First of all, are you okay?” Sam asked, him and Bucky instinctively making their way over to you both, ready to take you from Yelena if need be.

“Yeah, just fractured some ribs. No biggie.” You joked but it sounded painful. You could feel Bucky’s eyes on you, scanning and analysing you, processing the possibilities if this had been worse.

It made you feel weak and incompetent. The strong super soldier wanted to protect you and all you could think about is that you wished you were stronger. All of those years of having to establish your independence and leave behind weakness and vulnerability were completely discarded in that moment with Bucky’s pitiful look.

“Okay well, get checked out. No training or missions for you until you’re better.” Sam instructed, having settled into his new role as Captain America; he needed to make sure his team were in the best shape possible.

“Got it, Cap.” You nodded at Yelena to get her to take you to the medical wing of the compound. That was when Bucky stepped in.

“I’ll take it from here, Yelena.” He said and before you could even say anything, you were scooped up into Bucky’s arms and he was carrying into the compound.

“I could have walked.” You protested meekly. Being in his arms felt awkward, you didn’t allow yourself to hold on to him because then you’d stop holding your breath and you’d be done for.

“This is easier.” He retorted. For the first time since Bucky had started his recovery, he was unable to look you in the eye.

It was stony silence between you both, each of you having moments to open your mouths but no words came out. Nothing felt right. Despite being in his arms, a gap had been wedged between you and you were unsure how you’d ever be able to get back to him again.

You fixated on Bucky’s jaw which was constantly clenched, you could just about feel his teeth grinding together. His slouched shoulders and defeated expression didn’t go unnoticed by you. He was your best friend, you knew everything about him. Bucky was heartbroken.

Heartbroken, yet he still showed up for you when you needed him.

It was now a requirement that the compound had medical staff on hand at all times. Pepper had insisted on it in the rebuild, too many people had been lost. More preventative measures were put in place to keep the team as safe as possible.

You were thankful that you didn’t have to go to hospital but it now meant that Bucky was glued to your side as you were checked over. He was sitting on the edge of his seat, digesting everything the doctor had said to you while you lay back wishing he would go away.

Bucky being there was a constant reminder that you’d hurt him. Locked inside its cage, your heart wept at the thought, desperate for you to tell Bucky you’d been stupid and you’d love to date him, marry him, die for him.

It made your lungs tighten and your breath hitch, ready to give way. You had to be stronger than this. Love was not worth risking the pain of being abandoned. You had vowed never to give anyone the power to make you feel that way again.

When the doctor left, Bucky settled back into his chair, clearly having no intention of leaving. You settled down on the bed, feeling drowsy from the painkillers and squeezed your eyes shut like a child, wishing that when you opened them that he’d be gone.

Alas, moments later when you opened your eyes again he was still there, watching over you protectively.

“You don’t need to sit with me, Buck. I’m sure you’ve got better things to be doing.” You mumbled, looking away from him to stare out of the window.

“I am not leaving your side, need to make sure you’re okay.” Bucky responded. “And I missed you.”

His voice broke a little at the last four words, almost as though he was scared to admit it to you. It wasn’t like you were a stranger to his vulnerability but this felt different after him admitting to having feelings a few days prior. It made you frown.

“I missed you too.” You muttered. “I’m sorry about the other day.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Bucky said defensively and definitively as though he didn’t want to talk about it. He was ready to pretend it didn’t happen and move forward as your friend.

But Bucky deserved the whole world. The least you could do is offer an explanation.

“No, Bucky, you deserve better than an ‘I don’t know’. In all honesty, you’re… perfect. And I’ve loved you for a long time. The way my heart skipped a beat when you asked me that question, you have no idea. But I just can’t…”

“Why?” Bucky choked out, his voice still broken. He had moved to the edge of his seat again, his eyes constantly darting between you and your fingers which you were anxiously playing with.

“Can’t risk it. I can’t risk being abandoned.”

“I’d never leave you.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” You snapped at him and instantly regretted it as you could sense his posture shrink with the unsolicited harshness. It wasn’t intentional but rather instinctual. Words were empty; if a parent could leave you then there was nothing to stop a boyfriend from doing the same thing.

“You promise me you won’t leave all the time.” Bucky offered after a couple of seconds of uncomfortable silence. He was right, in all of his moments of insecurity and grief after Hydra; it was you providing comfort and reassurance. It was you by his side, being his supportive and loving best friend.

“Because I know how shit it is to be left.” You sighed and felt the painful tug in your chest. Your breathing was rapid and your lungs were aching. They were agonisingly trying to keep everything in; keeping your heart locked up and holding your breath. You’d come too far, you couldn’t let go now.

“And you think I don’t?” It was Bucky’s turn to snap now.

His words were a cruel and embarrassing wake up call. It prompted you to give him eye contact and fuck, he really was broken.

It was so insensitive: you should have known better than that. Steve leaving him behind had had a profound effect on Bucky. Rarely did he ever let people see his tears but he had allowed you to cradle him like a baby while he sobbed for his friend who had left him behind.

“Buck, I’m so sorry.” You mumbled, feeling like a fool with your carelessness. Twice now had the tight leash you had kept on your lungs resulted in your words hurting Bucky. It was becoming more than you could bear.

Bucky shook his head lightly, waving off the comment and wiping the slate clean again. Nonetheless, he held your eye contact in search of further elaboration.

“It’s just I used to get all that crap from my dad about never leaving me and he did. It means nothing to me anymore. What if I’m not enough for you like I wasn’t for him?” Tears has trickled from the corners of your eyes and spilled down on to your face and the sheets.

Bucky wasted no time in getting up and sitting on the bed next to you, pulling you into his chest. The remaining pieces of the puzzle formed in his head. He had known before that any mention of your dad made you extremely uncomfortable and he had always changed the subject. Bucky understood all too well what it was like to be left behind, but not by a parent. Not by one of the very few people in this world that actually owed you something. He cursed himself for not considering this beforehand but quickly turned his focus to comforting you.

This time you didn’t protest to being taken in Bucky’s arms, you just wept into his t shirt as he stroked your hair and pressed loving kisses to the top of your head. Your brain was too fatigued to provide you with reasons why you should push him away. You just needed him.

“I need to protect my heart.” You asserted finally, trying to explain yourself further.

“Sweets, you’re breaking your own heart.” Bucky sighed as he pulled you in closer to him.

Just as you had cradled him when Steve left, it was his turn to do it for you. Engulfed in those strong arms, he rocked you gently and carefully. It felt safe and warm and like home.

Now that your brain had called surrender on this pointless fight against your feelings for Bucky, it played a different film in your head than memories of your dad.

You remembered Bucky teaching you to ride a motorbike. He had put your helmet on for you and let out a hearty laugh at the goofy grin you’d given him. Everything he did that day was with extreme patience as he’d put his hands over yours on the handlebars, explaining what everything was and how it worked. The praise he’d given you when you did something right had encouraged you to keep trying. Conversely, when you got something wrong or made a mistake; Bucky was calm and reassuring, compelling you to try again.

Or the time you’d gotten sick and were bedridden for days. Bucky made it his personal mission to take care of you. He was out of his depth, sure, but he had just tried to mirror what you had done when you comforted him after nightmares. Your cup of tea was never empty, you were never left without enough blankets, you never had to wait for your medicine. Bucky was attentive, caring and there.

Even today, you knew that based on his stoic face that you’d hurt him. But he still turned up for you. He was nothing like your father.

Bucky had proved already that he could be there. He was right: you were breaking your own heart. The trauma of abandonment had caused you to deny yourself a love that felt like home. You had been judge, jury and executioner in your own trial and had made a mistake.

Then it happened. You stopped holding your breath.

Your lungs expanded as fully as possible and then shrunk dramatically again. This process continued over and over as you inhaled as much air as possible and then exhaled in deep, incredible breaths.

“You okay, sweetheart?” Bucky asked, looking down at the powerful heaving of your chest and listening to your breathing.

You nodded in response, unable to offer any words. Without realising, you had clutched on to his t-shirt and balled up a bunch of the fabric in your fist.

It was exhausting after having kept your lungs in tension for so long but it was so liberating to let go safely. Focusing on the thudding of his heartbeat in his chest, it grounded and secured you.

Your own heart was screaming in her cage, knowing her rightful partner was close and she needed to be near him. You had set your brain and lungs free, it was time to do the same for your heart.

With some slow coaxing from Bucky as he rubbed your back and continued to kiss the top of your head, you started to calm down. Your lungs adjusted to regular breathing and seemed content in their new routine of being used the way they should always have been.

Your head was rested on Bucky’s chest, still finding comfort in his regular, clockwork heartbeat. The fabric of his shirt that you had grasped before had been let go and was left wrinkled and misshapen.

“You know, Doll,” Bucky began. “I understand why you feel like that, but I’m not your dad, okay?” He took a moment to look at you and ensure that you weren’t too upset or triggered for him to continue.

“You say you love me, so can you trust me? Can we give this a go?”

You looked up and met the adoring gaze of his ocean eyes. Instead of answering him with words you pressed your lips against his. It was soft and gentle, his flesh hand moving to hold your face. Even with his eyes closed, he’d studied your face enough to know where to run his thumb so it was along your cheekbone.

It was the key to unlocking your caged heart. She leapt from her shackled prison and lunged for Bucky’s heart to connect with him. The hearts embraced with the deepening of your kiss and formed an unbreakable bond.

When you finally pulled back for air - which your lungs were well accustomed to now - you couldn’t help but give each other a chuckle. Your foreheads met as your hearts worked in unison to pull you as close to each other as possible.

“Is that a yes then?” He asked, with a cheeky smile stretched across his face.

The insecurity and fear of being left was still there. You accepted that it always would be on some level. On the other hand, you’d had enough of constantly being on your guard and having to be so strong all the time. No longer would you send your vital organs into mortal combat over an irrelevant man when the man in front of you just wanted to love you.

“Yes.” You decided. “Yes it is.”

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forestthoughts1219 · 3 years ago

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“Are you okay with me touching you?"

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Word count: 660

CW: Mentions of injury, blood, non-sexual nudity.

Requested by @treasureswordsgirl55

Everything is always the same after a mission. Bucky gets home, he greets you with an embrace and a kiss, calming down your nerves when you finally have him in your arms again, and then he goes off to shower.

This time, however, it is different. This time he doesn't stop to be welcomed by you, it doesn't matter how happy you were. Bucky pulled a smile from somewhere deep inside him, a quick "Hi, doll." with an announcement he was taking a shower, and he disappeared into your room with a rigid walk and a tense back.

It is hard not to worry then, when his smile looked so troubled and his steps were so measured. You try to push it all back, maybe he's just tired, maybe he just needs a shower, but everything is silent then, even after a few minutes. There's no water running or sounds of Bucky moving around. It's alright, he's just tired. You keep repeating to yourself, until you hear a troubled grunt coming from the bathroom.

You walk over there slowly, hearing groan after groan when he starts removing his clothes. "Bucky?" You ask with a knock on the door, with an answer of only silence. "Buck, baby, I heard you." You sigh, doing your best to help him.

Nothing else needs to be said for Bucky's voice to reach your ears. "Come in." He replies with a deep voice.

He's leaning against the sink in nothing but his underwear when you enter, his breathing quick and sharp just from removing his clothes. You approach him carefully, trying to hide the hurt from your face when you see his chest and back full of bruises and cuts. Bucky doesn't meet your eyes when you reach him, not even when you are standing right next to him. "Oh Buck," You whisper, tracing his metal arm just to feel him close.

It had to have been a tough fight to leave him hurting like that, with not even the serum being enough to heal him. Your whole body turns with nausea when you see the marks on his skin, bright red and purple adorning his strong back. "Do you want to talk about it?" Bucky's head shakes no, making you sigh as you walk past him to turn the shower on.

His whole body is screaming, not able to move in fear of causing more pain to wash over him. And yet, you know you have to help him. "Are you okay with me touching you?" Your question catches him off-guard. Bucky's surprise does the same to you. He wasn't expecting your question to feel as it did, like a healing wave all over his aching muscles; Bucky only nods and stands straight, finally making you smile. "Let me take care of you, then." He looks at you removing your clothes as the room begins to fill with fog. You don't waste a second, offering him your hand which he takes with a gentle smile, squeezing your fingers when you pull you both into the warm water.

Time is forgotten there while you rub soap over his tense muscles. it's almost as if the warm water could wash the pain away, helping him breathe again when he feels your fingers tracing the bruises of his body with a gentle touch of sweet-smelling soap. There's dirt and blood leaving his skin that you wash away with soft hands and gentle kisses, it all goes down the drain as you carefully wash his pained body, his head thrown back as you do, letting the warmth of your skin and the water drown the pain away.

"Better?" Your forehead leans between his shoulder blades when you are done, your hands reaching around to hug his chest. it is a firm but soft embrace, one intended to put all his pieces back together.

"With you, always." Warm water keeps hitting your bodies, helping Bucky relax against you as he takes one last deep breath before turning around to kiss your lips softly.

************

send injury/hurt comfort prompts for a blurb!

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forestthoughts1219 · 3 years ago

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Hold Me Tight

Bucky x reader

Summary: Bucky isn’t used to your touch.

Word Count: 427

You were talking with Bucky. He made you laugh at his dumb joke. Reaching out for him, you placed your hand on his bicep.

Involenerly he jerked away from you. He felt like an idiot. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to feel your touch. He wanted. Oh, he wanted it badly. For a while now, he had a thing for you. He just wasn’t expecting it. Somehow it startled him, and his body reacted on its own.

“Hey, Y/n?” A few days later, Bucky walked up to you, feeling awkward. He couldn’t bear the fact that you started to avoid him from that day forward. The idea of not seeing you, talking with you, or just seeing your smile made his heart hurt.

Keep reading

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forestthoughts1219 · 3 years ago

Text

Deserve Better

Smut/Explicit content - 18+ only!

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Another blow to your confidence tips you over the edge when a guy ditches you. Bucky is determined to show you that you derserve so much better.

Warnings: Smut (NSFW) - 18+ ONLY - oral sex, fingering, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, dirty talk, pet names, language, alcohol use, negative self image, general filth

More of this story than I would like to admit is based on real experience, at least all the crappy stuff. Alcohol was involved while writing. I suck at spelling & grammar but correct things as I find them. Hope you enjoy the results of my shitty evening.

Well this felt really pathetic. If you started crying could this count as a temper tantrum not a breakdown? You didn't really get stood up or dumped. Your friends with benefits bailed on you... Again.

You weren't mad. He had given you good reasons. Granted you had no idea if they were true or not, but if they were they were reasons you would have cited too.

You were diaappointed though. You had pretty much given up on dating, it seemed the only guys who were ever interested were nut jobs or people you would have to be paid to touch, & you didn't do one night stands. They just didn't feel safe. So this had been your last chance to get laid for a few months. You had also passed up the chance to go to a Rangers game to meet up with your FWB.

You sat waiting for your to-go order running through the options in your head, quickly realizing your best option was once again your vibrator. You inwardly sighed as you threw down the rest of your gin & tonic way too fast. You realized you were actually sick of fucking yourself, the thought of another night with your own hand & even your favorite toy made you groan, & not in a good way.

The waiter dropped your bag next to you & you paid for your drink. You tipped an extra dollar since he was nice enough to ignore that you probably looked like you were about to cry when you had ordered it.

As you were pulling a couple ones out of your wallet a cute-ish seeming guy came in by himself. Clearly from out of town with a slight European accent. You figured what the hell? & said hi pulling out your flirty yet coy smile. He totally ignored you.

Well that was close enough to 3 strikes you're out. You tilted your glass as far back as you could, hoping for even the tiniest amount of gin, & grabbed you bag of food. You headed back to the tower with your tail tucked between your legs, pity tears pickling at your eyes, & your new lingerie you had bought just because feeling like it was an irritant on your skin.

At least it was windy. You could play off the stray tear as being caused by that or picking at your mascara. Your only stop was a drugstore where you grabbed a bottle of wine.

As you stepped into the elevator you opened the twist top on the glass bottle & let the first couple real tears fall. All your life you had never felt good enough, pretty enough. You were never anyone's first choice. Now you weren't even good enough to just screw & leave.

You didn't think you were asking a lot, you really didn't care if this ever became anything beyond sex. But for the first time in your life, at nearly 32, you were finally having good sex. The thought of going another 4 years, your longest dry spell, untouched made you want to throw yourself off the roof.

Thank God the elevator doors opened & pulled you from your own destructive thoughts. There was no one in the living room or the kitchen & it was basically silent, because of course it was. It was a Friday night & everyone had their own things to do. So you wandered into the kitchen grabbed a fork from the utensil drawer & the new pack of AA batteries from the junk drawer.

Sinking into the couch you displayed your sad little picnic on the coffee table in front of you. Burger & fries, screw top wine bottle already part way empty, & batteries that were now your date for the night. You collapsed forward onto your own thighs letting your arms wirelessly drape over so your knuckles brushed the floor & sighed in complete defeat before muttering a "just kill me" into your leggings.

Sure you wanted a relationship, not necessarily with your FWB, but you were also very aware that beggers can't be choosers. You were a begger & you always had been, which is why you were where you were now. Horny, a little drunk, & on the verge of tears.

"But what if I kinda like having you around?" A deep but light hearted voice answered you softly from the hallway. Clearly trying not to startle you. Ending his statement with a chuckle, seemingly to apologize for eavesdropping.

With a groan you lifted your upper body back up to a seated position before flopping back into back of the couch. Looking up at the man who had spoke you felt your heart lift slightly. You should have guessed Bucky would be there. He wssn't a big fan of going out on the weekends, there were too many people out.

He cautiously moved forward, not 100% sure if he was welcome or not. You noticed his hesitancy & moved a few inches to your right signalling it was fine to join you. To reinforce your comfort with him joining you you told him "sorry Buck, if I knew you were here I would have gotten you food, but you can have mine if you want. I'm not that hungry anymore. Just don't touch my wine."

You forced a small laugh past your lips & tried not to come off too sad. As he sat down next to you, Bucky wasn't buying it. He could see the pain in your eyes. He wanted you to tell him what was wrong. He wanted you to tell him everything.

He knew you had plans tonight with that guy, the one that he really didn't like, but now you were here with tears in your eyes. He wanted to punch him for putting that look on your face. You had told Bucky you had no intention of getting serious with this guy, that you were friends from forever ago, that it just made you feel good someone was actually interested in you that way. You said you were so sick of dating & heartbreak, you just wanted to have fun. Well you didn't look like you were having much fun, & it didn't look like you felt particularly good. That tore him up inside.

You curled your legs up underneath you & pulled the blanket off the back of the couch onto your shoulders. You tried to ignore the way Bucky kept glancing at you as he picked at the fries. Every couple minutes he would hold one out to you & you would accept it. Eventually you softened enough that you finally said with a little bit of a shaky breath "he bailed on me at the last minute, again."

All Bucky could do was nod in understanding & turn to look at you. You were still staring at your hands, tears sparkling at the corners of your eyes. Finally letting them fall as you spoke again.

"I'm now consistently getting blown off by my friend with benefits. I can't even keep a guy interested when the only thing I'm asking him for is sex. How pathetic is that? I'm not even good enough to just be a regular fuck buddy for someone I guess."

You choked back a small sob. It wasn't about that particular guy, it was about all of them. How they had all beaten you down & made you feel worthless.

You had confided in Bucky one night after a particularly terrible date how you hadn't even gone on a date until college. That you had spent so much time watching all the other girls in high school get asked on dates, go to dances, & fall in love. While you were left to wonder what was so wrong with you. It's a wonder you had managed to lose your virginity at 19. Especially considering only one other guy had even so much as kissed you before that.

You had spent all your life being the girl who felt passed over, so when the opportunity of having a friend with benefits opened up you jumped at it. Not that you were overly attracted to the guy, which in a sex only relationship was a good thing, but you felt desired & that felt great. It was also the best sex, & really the only good sex, you'd ever had. So you put up with all the little inequalities & things.

Bucky wanted to grab you & hold you. Tell you how much time he spent thinking about you. Wanting you. How you deserved so much more. How he wanted to spend the rest of his life trying to give that to you.

The straw the finally broke the camel's back was when you stood up to go to your room. The wine bottle now mostly empty but most of the food still untouched. You shrugged off the blanket as you got up & started to wiggle your shoulders & reach back behind you with Bucky watching on in confusion.

"You wanna know the really pathetic thing? If it weren't for the fact that he's the only guy who's ever made me cum I don't think I'd put up with it... Or spend the money. There's $75 I'm never gonna see again." You chuckled in absurdity as you pulled your bra out through your sleeve & let the metallic maroon lace dangle from your fingers.

You said goodnight & shuffled away to your room dragging the see through bra behind you, leaving Bucky a jumble of emotions. On one hand he genuinely cared for you. In truth he was head over heels for you, & he didn't want to leave you feeling so down on yourself. You were kind, & smart, & funny, & my god you were so sexy.

He was also furious that not only had all these other guys treated you so badly, apparently they couldn't even mange to please you either. You were overdo probably at least a couple thousand orgasms & Bucky would happily give his right arm to be the one to remedy that.

Between your admission that none of your worthless ex's could make you cum & pulling your bra off like some dirty magic trick Bucky was also now really turned on. He didn't want to seem like he was taking advantage of you, especially since he really wanted you to be his girl, but he wanted you so bad right now. He looked at the table trying to formulate what to do.

The batteries. You had probably meant to take them with you. He could bring them to you. Although if his plan didn't work & he had to listen to you play with yourself with that fucking toy tonight thru the wall he might just explode. His hand lingered over the packet, it was now or never.

Before he could second guess himself he snatched the packet & quickly walked down the hall to your door. Knocking on the door before his brain could register the sound of the shower from the other side. He cringed as he heard you sniffle fumbling toward the door, cursing as you tripped over something before opening it

"Sorry for interrupting. You... You forgot these." He extended his vibranium hand & you noticed the batteries. Truth be told you had forgotten about them completely. You had been wrapped up in thinking about the man that now stood in front of you. You adored Bucky, but you didn't want to jeopardize your friendship when you were sure he didn't feel the same way. Secretly you dreamed of him whisking you off your feet like your very own Prince Charming, but you wouldn't take the risk of losing him completely.

Now here you were, with your dream guy standing at your door. In your grungy sweatshirt, fancy new very tiny lace panties, & mascara tinted tears on your face. You moved back from the door & sat on the edge of your bed pulling your hands into your sleeves & staring at your fingers. You let the dark thoughts take over.

"Thanks you can just throw them on my nightstand. Umm.... Can I ask you a question Buck? As a guy... What's wrong with me? Why am I so unwantable? What makes me so unsexy? It's not even about him, I just..."

You finally broke. Dissolving into sobs completely forgetting the shower running. You held one hand to your face, trying to hide, & wrapped your other right around your waist.

Bucky's heart shattered & he scrambled into the room shutting the door behind him. Dropping to kneel in front of you, sliding your legs apart to slot himself between them without even thinking. He grabbed your hands away from your body & cradled your face in his hands. Quietly shushing you & kissing the tears away from your cheeks. Trying his best to soothe & calm you.

"Hey, hey, hey. Look at me sweetheart. There is not a god damn thing wrong with you, y/n. It's all those fucking guys that have something wrong with them. Okay? I wish I knew what to tell you to make you believe this, but you are so fucking sexy & incredible. Any guy that doesn't spend every moment of everyday wanting you is insane or stupid. I can't stand to hear you talk like this, watch you feel like this. I wish you could see what I see."

He pulled you flush to his chest & let you wrap your arms tight around his neck, fingernails digging into his shoulders. He let you heave & squeak out a few more sobs into his neck, complete with several hiccups & hurried anxious breaths. He rocked you side to side, gently kissed your head, & tried to hold back his own tears. His heart ached for you, to love you, & he had let you down by even letting you feel this way in the first place.

Your breathing slowly leveled out & your arms released their death grip. Bucky let you pull back from his chest & pressed his forehead to your's. Your eyes puffy & your cheeks red. He had to tell you how he loved you. He had to show you how amazing & beautiful you were. Hopefully you would let him. Even if it was only for the night, he was determined to make you feel like the goddess you were to him.

Your soft sniffles continued & your eyes were still closed, but the tears had now subsided. He let his hands slide from your waist to the outside of your thighs rubbing his thumbs up & down against your soft skin. He suddenly became aware that he was on his knees between your bare legs, a place he thought he would only dream of ever getting to be. He started to speak & he knew there was no stopping.

"Listen I know that you are in a bad frame of mind right now, & I need you to know that I would never take advantage of you. If you tell me to leave I will. Just say the word. But... I want you to know that I mean every word okay? You are the sexiest woman in the world & you drive me absolutely insane. You have no idea how bad I want you. All you have to do is smile at me & I turn to goo. You can be dressed up or in this ratty sweatshirt & all I want to do is take you to bed & worship you. When you pulled that trick with your bra out there, oh my god, I nearly passed out with how fast my blood left my brain."

That statement made you giggle. It was only then that you realized you were holding your breath. You couldn't believe what you were hearing. This couldn't be happening. It was too perfect. You let your hands rest on the back of his neck & play with his short chestnut brown hair. The muscles of your stomach clenched & your heart jumped when his fingertips pressed into your hips just below the thin waistband of your panties.

Your eyes had opened at some point during his confession & you were now staring deep into his gentle blue eyes. You bit your bottom lip as you gazed at him looking for any hint of hesitation or lies. You found none.

You moved your face just a little bit closer to his & began to pull his body into you. "Yes please Bucky. Make love to me."

"It's not just physically either. I mean you are fucking gorgeous but God I love all of you so much, y/n. Your sense of humor, the way you think, the way you get along with everyone. I can't believe I'm actually telling you this, but I love you & I have loved you for so long. It has killed me watching you be with all those idiots. The fact that they made you feel this way, & didn't even put your pleasure first, makes me want to rip them limb from limb. You deserve so much better than them, you deserve so much better than me. You deserve the entire fucking universe at your feet. Right now I don't care if I'm making the biggest mistake ever & if you never want to even look at me after this, but please even just for the night, let me show you how much I love you & how incredible you are. Please just let me make love to you. Let me make you feel good. Let me try to give you what you deserve."

"Please y/n, just say something. You're killing me here." He pleaded, trying to steal his feelings. Now fearing the worst.

Your mouths finally met in a soft but passionate kiss. His plump lips running over yours slowly caressing your skin. His tongue slow slid against your bottom lip asking to deepen the kiss, to let him in. You quickly obliged & he began to massage your tongue with his.

As you pulled apart you both panted out of breath. Pressing light kisses on each other & nuzzling your faces together it was your turn to confess.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that. I love you too Buck. I just thought there was no way you could love me."

He moved his hands to grip your ass & yanked you forward on the mattress. Groaning as he felt your bare ass cheeks separate by the delicate lace g-string. "I'm gonna spend all night showing you how much I love you, y/n. I'm gonna make you cum so many times you will forget anyone else exists."

He smashed his lips to yours & began clawing at the plush flesh of your hips. He pulled your sweatshirt over your head leaving you in just your panties. He dropped his gaze to look down at your body & inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of your warm body & your now apparent arousal for him. The sound of him making you nipples stiffen in anticipation.

Bucky began placing hungry open mouthed kisses up & down your neck & throat as you wrapped your legs around his waist making his hips start to grind against you. You could feel his large hard bulge through the rough material of his jeans & the feeling of it only spurred you on. Your hands scraping up his side's to pull his shirt off.

"You are so sexy Bucky." You marveled at his body as you ran your hands up & down his chest. He smiled & sweetly kissed your lips.

"You're sexier baby. Now, since you've already got the shower running, why don't we go clean up before we run out of hot water. Plus if we keep going like this I'm gonna rip these tiny fucking panties right off of you, & if I remember right you said they weren't cheap."

Moaning at his suggestion you looked at him through lust heavy eyelids, now blissfully unaware of your smudged makeup. You nodded enthusiastically & squeaked in surprise as he effortlessly hoisted you up off the mattress, his hands under your thighs & carried you into the bathroom that was now clouded with steam.

He gently lowered you to your feet. Taking his time as his hands caressed slowly up your body. He looked at you like you were a precious piece of art. Your mouth fell open & you stood speechless at the man before you who in a single moment in a single touch had nurtured your heart, your mind, & your body in a way no one ever had.

He softly pressed his lips to yours as he pulled your hair loose & brushed it back. He started making his way down your body. Pressing kiss after kiss to your skin that was now buzzing like a live wire.

First he kissed your neck & whispered in your ear how beautiful you were. Then your collarbone, the top of each breast & between them. He let his lips ghost over your nipples without providing direct stimulation. He chuckled as you whined in protest & tried to angle a nipple back towards his mouth.

He pressed his face to the center of your ribcage & gently scolded you, "not just yet babydoll. I wanna take my time with you." Once he had reached your hips he kissed the top of each hipbine before placed a kiss right onto your mound over your panties.

Hooking his thumb under each side strap he gazed up & you for permission to take them off. You let your hands thread through his hair & whispered "please Buck".

He gave you a lopsided slightly goofy grin & said "as incredibly sexy as these are doll, & I definitely want to see you in the whole set sometime, I think you will be fucking delicious with them off." With that he slowly slid them down your legs, pausing momentarily as the wet fabric separated from your slick pussy. A groan was pulled deep from somewhere in his chest as he got his first good view of your sex. You were soaked.

"So wet doll. Can't wait to taste you later. All this really for me?" He inhaled your sweet scent & had to fight the urge to devour you right then & there. He dropped your panties to the floor & you stepped out of them as he stood back up bringing his hand to pop the button & pull down the fly of his jeans.

You took his hands & moved them to your waist before taking over where he had left off. Sliding your hands inside the denim fabric at his sides & catching your thumb in the waistband of his boxer briefs you tilted your head up & whispered into his throat. "All for you Buck. Just for you."

Placing a wet sucking kiss on his Adam's apple as you pushed the fabric of both layers down his muscular frame. Feeling the resistance of his hard cock against the elastic band of his underwear, you dropped your head down to see him as he sprung free. You both gasped in unison, him at the delicious bit of friction & you at the magnificent sight of him bare before you.

Dragging your fingers across his low belly you let yourself run your hand along the underside of his thick cock before stroking him up & down several times. As if reading your mind he leaned down to whisper in your ear "All for you babydoll. All because of you." & placed a kiss on the sweet spot under your lobe.

Relishing each other's touch for a moment longer you stood on the balls of your feet & sunk into his kiss once more. As an anxious as you were for him to take you straight to bed you did want to wash the lingering stress from your body. So you reluctantly pulled apart & stepped into the shower under the warm water with Bucky's firm body pressed up behind you.

Between the heat of the water & the comfort of Bucky's arms around you, your muscles melted & you immediately felt even better. You grabbed your face wash & proceeded to scrub the remainder of ruined makeup for your eyes & cheeks.

Bucky's lips had yet to stop dragging along the skin of your neck, shoulders, & upper back. One flesh palm & one vibranium held tight against the curve of your soft stomach. If this was any other man you would cringe & move his hands away from your most insecure spot, but with Bucky it felt right. You extended your arms backwards to give his thighs a squeeze, telling him to soften his grasp momentarily so could reach to grab the body wash.

He gladly obliged & grabbed the bottle from your delicate fingers. He deftly flipped the cap & squirted a line of gel down the center of your torso. Your hands met & spread the slick substance over your frame in tandem. The heady scent of berries, patchouli, rose, & amber quickly enveloped you both adding to the eroticism.

His large hands groped & kneaded your breasts. For the first time his fingers began to toy with your nipples. Swirling the pads of his fingers around them before gently pinching them. The sweet sudden pressure caused your hips to buck back grinding your ass against him. His now leaking head making contact with your low back & his shaft sliding between your cheeks.

The touch of him so needy against you sparked a flame in your chest & you spun around in his arms to face him. You spent several more minutes running the fragrant suds over each other, seemingly trying to memorize the curves & planes of each other's bodies. Lips locked in heated contact.

It was you who reached the end of your rope first, pulling him under the stream to rinse you both as you began to beg him for more.

"Please James, I can't wait any longer. I need you to fuck me."

Between hearing you call him by his real name, & your desperate plea for him, his own resolve snapped. Quickly turning off the water & grabbing a towel to hurriedly dry you both. He picked you up once more, your legs wrapping around him & your dripping cunt pressed to his abdomen, & he carried you to your bed.

He laid you down on the soft blankets like you were a priceless piece of porcelain & gingerly lowered his large frame to rest on top of you. Your legs spreading open to slot his body flush against you.

He let his weight balance on his vibranium forearm & ran his flesh fingers over the curves of your right side. Cutting across the crease of your hip he stopped just short of where you body was screaming for his touch. He locked eyes with you one more time to confirm that you still wanted this. That you still wanted him. As if there was any stopping the cascade of need for each other that had been set in motion.

You brushed your thumb across his cheek & grinned with a single nod. With that his fingers finally slid past your mound & down to caress the supple wet lips of your pussy. Initially ghosting over them with a single digit, but on feeling how drenched you were Bucky moaned a breathy "fuck" & pressed 3 fingers firmly to your slit.

The pressure he finally made against your cunt caused your back to arch & your eyes to snap shut. You legs pulled back farther to grant your soldier even better access to your sex & your hips were starting to rut against his fingertips. Bucky couldn't help but smile, never in his wildest dreams had he ever thought you would react like this to his touch.

He gently slid his long middle finger inside you as he brought his thumb to dance along the edges of your clit. He wanted to memorize every noise you made, from the whimpers coming from your plush lips to the wet suctioning against his finger each time it plunged back into you.

Without any warning he added his index finger to action, feeling your tight hole stretch to accommodate his second finger had his own control hanging by a thread. His vibranium hand gripping onto the pillow beneath your head.

"Fuck so tight babydoll." He praised under his breath as he bit his lower lip trying to keep focused on the pleasure he was wringing from you.

He quickly added his ring finger to his assault. Dragging all 3 three fingers in & out of your fluttering heat as he let his thumb draw more direct circles on your now throbbing clit. He could tell you were quickly hurtling towards the point of no return as he added a flick upwards in his wrist.

"Oh god Buck! Gonna cum, don't stop. Fuck yes James. Please don't stop!"

You now gazed slack jawed back into his sparkling blue eyes that were entirely focused on seeing you fall apart beneath him. Eyes that belonged to the sweetest man you had ever met, who was now responsible for the filthiest noises falling from your lips. You couldn't help but plead for him not to stop as your body began shaking & squeezing his fingers even tighter. Letting the wave of your orgasm crash against you.

You let him coax you back down slowly, stroking your hair with his metal finger tips as his flesh ones began to still inside you. Placing small kisses on your lips as fingers slipped from your wet depths, teasing along your now swollen sensitive pussy feeling how your orgasm had left you dripping. The thought that he was responsible for your wrecked state made a pride flourish in his chest.

Making sure you were watching his movements, he pulled his fingers to his mouth & took his time licking your juices from each one. It may only be his first real taste of you, but he knew right then that he would never get enough.

The sight of Bucky savoring the taste of your cunt on his fingers was almost too much to take. You felt empty & the only thing that could possibly make you feel full was Bucky's cock. You slid your hand down his sculpted abdomen & trailed a finger around his swollen leaking head working to spred his pre-cum around his ridge before closing your hand around his thick shaft & starting to pump him.

The feeling of him made your mouth water & your walls clench in anticipation. His cock was perfectly veined & silky to the touch. So solid & thick your fingers barely touched when wrapped around him. He began to needily thrust up into your fist when you added a twist at the end of each stroke. When he started to whimper you released his shaft & started to roll his balls between your fingers.

He eventually pulled your hands away from his cock & pinned them to the bed beside your head. He pressed his forehead to yours in between slow deep kisses as he tried to gather his composure. Panting as he looked at you laid out under him.

"I wanted to take my time with you doll, make you cum over & over before I let myself fuck you. Make you see stars with my fingers & my tongue, god so many times with my tongue, before I let you have my cock. But, fuck, you & this pretty little pussy are driving me nuts here. Don't think I can wait any longer."

You wrapped your legs around his hips & pulled his pelvis down to yours, managing to angle your hips just right so the tip of his cock was slotted just inside your opening.

"Then don't wait Bucky. Fuck me." Your expression softened for a moment, from one of passion to one of love, & you added, "wanna be your girl Buck."

Without a moment's hesitation he plunged his cock all the way inside of you. Eliciting a moan from both of you. Bracing & holding himself in place while your body adjusted to the stretch of him. While he waited he cupped your cheek with his left palm, the coolness of the vibranium a sharp contrast from the rest of his body.

"I've dreampt of hearing you say that. My girl."

Bucky placed one last sweet kiss on your lips before he started slowly thrusting in & out of you. Each push & pull dragging deliciously against your walls allowing you to feel every milimeter he gave you. Slowing all the more as the top of his cock head slid against your g-spot.

"Oh god Buck, you're so big. So fucking deep! Fuck me harder baby!"

You were gripping onto his shoulders, burying your face into his scar where his metal arm connected to his body. Making a conscious effort to place extra licks & kisses along the mared skin to show him how much you loved even the spot he sometimes hated.

"Yeah? You want it harder doll? Here I wanted to be all soft & sweet with you the first time. Should have known you were really a dirty little girl. Let me hear you baby. Tell me how my princess wants me to fuck her tight little pussy."

He punctuated his statement with a bite your neck & started thrusting harder into you, but he purposely kept his pace slow to let you get your words out. Even though he wanted to plow you into next week.

"Soft & sweet later James, right now I want it hard & fast. Been teasing me all night. Turning me into your little slut. You know what you're doing to me. Fuck me hard."

Bucky moaned loudly into your neck the moment he heard you call yourself his little slut. It took every ounce of strength he had not to cum right there. You were an absolute minx & he was the luckiest son of a bitch alive.

"Well if you're my little slut then why am I doing all the work?" He quickly rolled so you were on top of him & before you could react he brought his right hand to slap your ass.

"Now be a good little slut & ride my cock. Take what you want baby. Make yourself cum & let me watch. There's my good girl."

Bucky had been so incredible to you already, even though you knew your night was no where near over, you wanted to give him a good show. You sat up nice & straight as you started to bounce on him. Letting your breasts jiggle up & down as the sound of you ass hitting his thighs richoted around the room.

You rolled your hips forward & backward as you rode his cock creating an extra friction on your clit. When that friction started to build & throb you let your head drop back & your eyes squeeze closed. Your hips thrust faster & shallower as you chased your orgasm.

Little squeaks & grunts coming from your lips as you fucked yourself on Bucky's cock. Your body was thrown over the cliff's edge as you felt his hips buck up from underneath you & your weight fell forward onto his chest as you shuttered & wailed.

He kept fucking you through your orgasm, thrusting into you from below. Each time his tip brushed your sweet spot a new firework burst behind your eyelids. Your mewls & whines pushing him right to his edge & he was chanting "so close baby."

As you started to come down you wanted to feel him even closer. Knowing his orgasm was just around the corner you wrapped your arms under his neck & pressed your lips to his ear as you whispered "Cum in my pussy James. Want you to fill me up."

Something snapped in Bucky's brain when you said that. Something animal took over & he threw you hard on your back before frantically rutting into you like his very life depended on it. His face was pressed into your neck & his teeth clenched when you heard him growl as he came.

Feeling his thick warm cum fill you spray by spray you sighed in pleasure & wiggled your hips to milk even more from him. Cooing in his ear about how good it felt being full of his cum, & it did.

He slowly leaned back & pulled himself from your body much to your reluctance. Watching as his cum began to trickle from you. He grabbed his shirt off the floor from were you had thrown it earlier & quickly wiped you down. It wasn't the best job but it was good enough for now. He wanted to hold you for a bit before either of you did anything else.

He dropped the shirt back to the side & pulled you tight to his chest. He knew what you said about being his girl, but his mind kept telling him maybe you just said it in the heat of the moment. So as you snuggled into his chest eyes closed with a content smile he began to open & close his mouth like a fish gasping for air.

From your comfy spot you said with a chuckle "I smell the gears starting to smoke Buck. Stop worrying. I meant it. I wanna be your girl. It took you long enough to ask."

You lifted your head up & kissed him. Staring into his eyes once more. Both full of passion & boyish charm. He couldn't help but a sheepish shrug & replied "well, I thought you deserve better than me."

Tilting his chin up slightly with your index finger you answered, "James Buchanan Barnes, there is no one better for me than you. I love you Bucky."

A genuine smile crossed Bucky's face & after so long the feeling of being honestly happy & in love felt brand new again. It was a feeling he could get used to.

"I love you more, y/n."

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