funsizeparenting101-blog

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PTSD, depression, and suicide

Depression: A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

PTSD: A disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event.

Suicide: medical Definition of suicide. 1 : the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally. 2 : a person who commits or attempts suicide.

Im sure some of you if not all of you have experienced this, or maybe you know someone who has? Maybe a loved one has committed suicide? Or maybe they have PTSD from military experience? Maybe you’ve been depressed but just didn’t realize it? I am here to tell you that your NOT alone!

I struggle/struggled with all of these things over the past year. I’ve even gone as far as taking one too many pills and self harm(cutting). I was never hospitalized because I didn’t do anything too durastic. It took me almost two months to admit to my therapist that I was suicidal. But I eventually told him because he noticed the scars on my wrists. I’ve been clinically diagnosed by two therapist with PTSD. I have tried multiple medications to help eas the pain that it causes in daily life. Unfortunately non of them worked! Then I tried something called EMDR.

EMDR: Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.

Basically EMDR is to help you heal from traumatic experiences by accessing your dream state of mind. In doing this your able to access memories and details that you normally wouldn’t be able to through your awake state. One session has brought more healing and elightment then any amount of medications! It���s not a magic thing, but it definitely felt like that for me. It has taken a year of therapy to finally see that I do have an actual issue and it’s not all just “in my head”. I didn’t even recognize that depression and PTSD(real ptsd and not self diagnosed) exist. My eyes have been opened up in so many ways I didn’t even know existed. I’ve done everything from power and control exercises to EMDR to mind mapping. I’ve done all the clinical asssments for diagnosing PTSD and depression. Even in those I’ve seen how my mind works. It’s been a lot of work to get where I am today. I feel like I have a future and that my “issues” are only momentary.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

If you or someone you know it’s seeming constantly depressed or suicidal, then seek help immediately! Call someone and tell them! Maybe your scared what will happen? Maybe you will be put into an institution? I can not say for sure that you won’t end up in a hospital but I can assure you that thoughts alone won’t put you there. If your thinking that your suicidal in a casual way, then talk to someone! If you have a plan in place as to when and how, then you need to check yourself in at your local emergency room immediately! I want to provide some helpful tools to those who may feel like they need someone to talk to or know someone who might need it. I’ll have the suicide prevention hot line, and the suicide/crisis text line. Both are free and both are confidential. PLEASE PLEASE use these even if your just “playing” with the thoughts. Thoughts lead into action and you need to have someone there for actability to kee you from acting upon them. Lastly, please put together a SUICIDE SAFETY PLAN. You can find a template online and print it off. Give this to your friends, family, or therapist. This helps your trusted contacts to know what signs to look for and to keep you in line. They will be able to help you the most. It also gives you peace of mind knowing that you have people you can trust to go through this time with.

I hope this helps someone today. I know that I’m not one to admit these awful things, but I can honestly tell you that bad times pass. Don’t beat yourself up for having the feelings, be productive and make sure you get the help you need. Don’t be ashamed for asking for help either. You are stronger for asking for help. Let’s live in peace and love today. Love you all!

Suicide hotline: tel:1-800-273-8255

Suicide text line: 741741.

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Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

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GULTY?

Have you ever felt guilty? Like the minute you do something and you instantly regret it? It’s too late…you can’t go back now. No re-do.

A little under 3 years ago I found myself crying on the bathroom floor while holding a test. Yup, I was pregnant for the 3rd time. I had a 4 month old in the room next to me. I was tired, emotional, and still recovering from my cesarean. I went to bed that night wondering what my boyfriend would say when I tell him. Fearful of how he might react. The next morning I told him, and of course he was confused and angry.

I made an appointment with a local Planned Parenthood to see how far along I was. The appointment was a few days away. I realized we couldn’t afford another child. My health was not in a good place to have another baby that soon. Then came the word I was least expecting. Abortion. At first I was appalled. Me and my boyfriend talked about the option and it unfortunately it sounded like the only solution at the time. I called Planned Parenthood again and asked for information regarding an abortion. They told me I had two options. If I was under 10 weeks I could take the pills. If I was past 10 weeks I had to do the surgical option. I could pay either 550$ for four pills, or 1,500-3,000$ for surgical. At this point I didn’t know how far along I was, so I had to wait and find out.

A few days had past and it was time for my appointment. I remade the Appoinment as an abortion Appoinment. I was expected to be there minimum 4 hours and bring 550$. I was in a room with a ultrasound tech. I wasn’t allowed to see the baby, but she did tell me I was 9 weeks along. Next thing I knew I was in a room where a nurse watched me take two pills. 5 hours later I was walking out with a brown paper bag and two more pills I was scheduled to take at 11pm that night. That was the longest day of my life. I just wanted it to all be over with.

11pm was now was here. My heart was pounding and I was scared. I took the next two pills and fell sleep. Suddenly I was awoken at 2:30am in labor. No warning, no pre labor, full on labor. I rush to the bathroom in agonizing pain. 10 minutes later my baby was born. After catching my breath, I turned around to find an entire fully intact amniotic sac. I decided to pick it up and make sure nothing was wrong, then I see it. My baby. Little hands, little feet. Eyes, nose, arms legs, and heart.

WHAT HAVE I DONE!???

I just started sobbing! I was alone, no one there to comfort me. Feeling like a monster. I just KILLED my OWN baby! I felt guilt like I had never felt before. I was right beside those who are murderers. Not sure what to do, i closed my eyes and flushed the baby down the toilet.

Over the next few weeks, I continued to have contractions and bleeding a ton. I went to the ER because of how the pills effected my system. But you know what? The pain, bleeding, or even stress wasn’t the worst part. It was GUILT I felt! I started to become depressed, Angry, and panic attacks. Trying pill after pill to help cope. Nothing worked.

About a year later I found myself in church. I was sitting next to the wonderful gal who brought me. I had been going for a little while. Then I heard a message talking about guilt, shame, and depression. How guilt can ruin you. How it’s destructive. Then God made me realize what he had done for me. How I didn’t have to be guilty anymore! How he paid the price for my sins. It wasn’t until then that I realized I didn’t have to look to pills, or alcohol, or even guilt to fell better. I needed to understand God’s grace and mercy for me. I got pregnant two more times after that and both led to miscarriages. I grieved a lot, but I had God but my side.

Even though I was grieving, I started to live life for the first time since my abortion. I truly felt myself for the first time. I could enjoy my son and being a mommy again! I know I’ve mentioned a very taboo subject that most people are scared to talk about. Why? Because the people who know the most have most likely had one. They feel so much guilt and shame, that it’s just too much to talk about. But I am here to tell you, no matter what you have done, you DONT have to feel guilt or shame! This doesn’t mean you won’t feel pain or memories, but you don’t have to beat yourself up for it everyday. You CAN move FORWARD with life because God has it all in His hands. That is why He Died for us! So how awesome is that!!???

I won’t deny I still feel a lot of pain and hurt from the situation. I have cried a lot since then. I’ve had nightmares and even been going to therapy to help me deal with it. So in conclusion, I want to tell you that God loves you! Even when you feel the most shame and guilt. He desires your heart to be fully His. No matter what you’ve done. So make sure you do what you need to do in order to help cope with your guilt. Get right with God, and take proactive step in healing. I’m still in the process of healing, but I’m also okay with that. I am thankful for every day I am alive and loved by my creator.

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The Struggle Is Real A Sneak Peak I remember the first time holding my child in my arms. It felt as though I had met my calling in life. The sun was shining and I felt a whole choir of angels singing all around me. Sounds pretty amazing right!? It was amazing! Then just a few minutes later I realized my world was turning upside down. I had no idea of the Struggles I was about to endure over the Next few years. “Are you sure Lord that I’m cut out for the job?” Take a walk with me as I share with you some of the struggles, pain, tears, and joy of my walk with parenting so far. My hope is that you can find some peace and rest in knowing your doing the best you can, and to encourage you to keep at it.