gender-slime - Tumblr blog

[gender-slime]

soooo i did not get top surgery. australia closed its borders a few days before i was meant to leave, and now im jobless/incomeless, and kind of. adrift until something changes.. there’s a few options, but i’m anxious about all of them so. i guess i’ll update if anything else happens...

hey everybody! life and transition update... im currently a year and 5 months on T. ive gotten noticeable fat redistribution, my voice has dropped a Bit more, and now finally have a tiny smattering of slightly more visible facial hairs on my chin and neck. but, most excitingly, im getting TOP SURGERY ON THE 8TH OF JULY!!! i have never been more excited in my entire life and i literally thought this day would never come for me. i need really good luck that the border between aus and nz stays open til then 🤞

[gender-slime]

hey everybody! life and transition update... im currently a year and 5 months on T. ive gotten noticeable fat redistribution, my voice has dropped a Bit more, and now finally have a tiny smattering of slightly more visible facial hairs on my chin and neck. but, most excitingly, im getting TOP SURGERY ON THE 8TH OF JULY!!! i have never been more excited in my entire life and i literally thought this day would never come for me. i need really good luck that the border between aus and nz stays open til then 🤞

[gender-slime]

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its been a long, painful, and frustrating journey. im still not able to switch from injections and im far from affording surgery, but im finally a FULL YEAR on testosterone! this is a milestone i couldn’t have dreamed i’d make it to even just a few years back and it feels so surreal... and honestly despite the struggles, i wouldn’t have made a different decision no matter. cause for the first time in my memory, i’ve finally started to like myself 

resolution for 2021 is SOME amount of facial hair :’)

[gender-slime]

on the upside of things.........

i really have felt like. so much more at home in my body than i can ever remember feeling. i was talking to my partner about it earlier, and like. weirdly, it feels like a relief more than anything? i still haven’t had top surgery which i know will be the biggest relief imaginable (binding has started to hurt like. seriously bad lately, and i have to do it 9 hours at a go almost every day for work), but even just the small changes have given me these occasional feelings of just like. genuine contentness in the moment that i’ve never felt before. 

unfortunately, i still don’t pass very well even 10 months on T. i chalk that up to my “facial hair” coming in transparent still mostly. but i feel more confident when i speak, i love how fluffy i’ve gotten, i can see my shoulders and upper arms filling out and my hips getting a little slimmer which is Epic. i even prefer the way i smell now which is a wild thing to have a feeling about one way or another. overall, i think any anxieties i had that i was “not trans enough to transition” are mostly gone due to just how overwhelmingly better i feel in my own skin even at this point.

i wanna think a lot of good thoughts that my facial hair starts darkening at some point in the future, and that my friggin singing voice starts to strengthen over time 🙏😔

[gender-slime]

its been nearly 50 weeks now and i STILL havent been able to find a way to switch to the gel... i have poured hours and hours into research, calling ppl, reaching out to every single person i can think of, and ive come up absolutely empty. i am frustrated to the point of hopelessness, it is just not an option to stay on the shots this longterm for SO many reasons and no matter what i do i cant make progress.... i know new zealand has come a long way with a lot of lgbt issues, but transitionary care is NOT one of them thats for sure :’( 

[gender-slime]

not gonna lie........ i dont know how to emotionally handle the fact that ive lost my singing voice anymore. i have such an intense positive feeling about my SPEAKING voice, but if i even think about singing, i get near tears becuase i just know nothing will come out... it feels like losing a limb or one of my senses. i would genuinely Rather lose my vision than lose this... i couldnt afford the voice training i desperately wanted and needed during my voice dropping and now im fucking terrified that it will just never ever come back. its so weak and scratchy, and my range has dropped from 3 octaves to literally less than 1, and its genuinely making me hopeless for the future. all i ever wanted to do post-T was get back into singing and musical theatre now that i wouldnt have to play the girl parts, but now i couldnt play ANY parts even if i wanted to.... i have no way to express myself in a way that feels genuine or helps get any stress or frustration out, and it feels like one of the most precious things in my life was taken from me in exchange for. like the Rest of my life...

its one bad vs a whole sea of good, but this one bad is the Worst bad for specifically me.... 

[gender-slime]

update after a long time:

not much has really changed markedly. my singing voice is unfortunately Just Gone right now but im praying it will become stronger again with time... body hair is VERY thick and dark, i am so fluffy and loving it. facial hair NOT so much tho. realised what im seeing are “vellus” hairs, not terminal hairs becuase theyre see-through and quite soft to the touch. hoping the real ones come in Eventually. lord knows i can wait, i have waited a decade to get to this point already fdgjk

i think the biggest change lately has been an internal one. for the first time in my life im starting to recognise a feeling ive had recently as tiny shreds of this wild concept called “self confidence”. its less that my dysphoria is going away, but more that im actually starting to see a tiny bit of what must be gender euphoria which is blowing my mind. ive never looked at myself in the mirror and felt anything positive before. ive never liked any aspects about my body. but i guess ive just finally started to feel at home...

since i figured out i wasnt cis when i was 17, ive had this horrible dialogue in my head that was essentially, becuase im nonbinary, even if i have dysphoria, even if i desperately want to transition, i will never be trans trans. ie, i will never have the same feelings or the same experiences as a “real” trans person and my transition is basically just a selfish body mod. but every time i get overwhelmed with joy when i see something as simple and stupid as my happy trail poking out from under a shirt, im like. damn ok. maybe i AM trans trans HHFDGJK like i really do not have to be binary trans to experience the same dysphoria, euphoria, and deep psychological positive effects from transitioning. 

anyway, im doing good i think! i think im so happy that even my hair has perked up :’)

[gender-slime]

i sometimes wonder if anyone who knew me before would even recognise me now

[gender-slime]

(2015 - 2020)

[gender-slime]

every time bro........... :’) turns out the “gel” the pharmacy made is. like. not at ALL the right thing even tho they claim it is... im too nervous to call and contest it but like. i literally need to becuase it was 160 dollars. i Cant do shots forever, especially not now that my mom is getting shakier from her back problems.... im worried :( 

[gender-slime]

this will HOPEFULLY be my last shot.... i’m 90% sure this is month 8 too which would be neat. from after this, i will finally be on gel!!! 

[gender-slime]

i really really have the wildest luck. im not holding my breath or anything because things always seem to go wrong for me at some point, but my grandma might help me pay for top surgery????? i really do just have to have like a bunch of setbacks and horrible shit happen to me in a row and then i get Really good luck.... :’) 

also im switching to gel soon! does anyone have any tips for switching from weekly subq injections to gel? im on 50mg per week for shots and i know the equivalent is 50mg per Day in gel, but should i like? ease onto the gel? do they need to overlap in dose for a period of time to be effective? im asking on tumblr becuase no doctors in this country use gel and no one could tell me anything helpful at all, so if anybody has experience switching from injection form to gel form, it would be epic if u could share ur wisdom. i’m roughly 8 months on T at this point 

[gender-slime]

really wild day... have been passing flawlessly for weeks now, even had somebody point out my shitty see-thru facial hair in the sun, felt fine. and then Didn’t pass with a person i Really needed to pass with, got outed as not just trans but nonbinary and called an “it” becuase of it, and told my name’s not “real”... and now that person thinks im some kind of nasty deviant for it. 

sucks how one bad encounter can make u doubt literally Everything about urself 

[gender-slime]

STILL HAVENT GOTTEN MY PERIOD... been two weeks since it was meant to happen...hopefully NEVER again >:D 

[gender-slime]

progress.....

[gender-slime]

period is officially a week late???? im praying its FINALLY on the way out for good... got my blood checked again recently and my t levels are 16 in the normal range of 8-29 and im still on 50mg a week meaning my body just really loves processing testosterone gbfhfc my estrogen levels have dropped from roughly 700 to 500 which is still wildly over the normal range for cis women but the most important thing is it HAS gone down. hopefully soon i can switch to the gel. and the most important and exciting news... my partner finally got on t too!!!! very happy 😊

[gender-slime]

6 and a half months babey... it really doesn’t feel real :’) i honestly haven’t felt this self confident like. probably ever... i know i still have a LONG way to go, but like.. positive feelings about myself and my body are VERY new... if i manage to save up enough for top surgery i can only imagine how much better im gonna feel. maybe i am capable of self love after all...