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[ggtess]

Here’s the meaning behind my first tattoo because it is my absolute favorite topic to talk about.

Disclaimer: sad lesbian’s musings

I knew I liked girls from the moment I knew I could like anyone at all. There’s no psychoanalysis that can explain it, nothing that could have “made me this way”, it’s always been as natural as breathing to me. Accepting my love for women was fluid, easy even.

What was impossibly difficult though, was accepting that I did not like men.

After a few failed relationships and some strenuous “crushes” on guys that I mysteriously lost interest in after any reciprocation, I was drained. There was this isolation that festered in my heart. Even despite having some fulfilling, joyous crushes on girls that rid me of the feeling of loneliness, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. It would always come back when I thought of my future that could potentially be shared with a husband instead of a wife (I know, I know, I was oblivious as fuck).

What made it click for me was realizing that an integral aspect of my identity is loving women, and to not be able to share that with a partner is a tragedy. I wouldn’t allow myself to resent a man for not being able to empathize with my experience the way I needed. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone. Despite knowing that coming out as a lesbian would make me lose relatability to my loved ones, I couldn’t keep lying to everyone, including myself. Being out is horrifying, but it’s worth it.

Loving women makes me feel like me, and that authenticity is euphoric. I won’t ever derive myself of it.

A piece of media that helped me to understand myself was the haunting of bly manor, a series by my favorite director Mike Flanagan. I could truly talk about this show forever, so I’ll sum it up by saying that the love between Dani and Jamie was everything that I needed to see when I was younger. Their devotion to each other gave me the feeling that it was possible, that I could love another woman forever like I’ve always wanted to, and that love in general is something to fight for. Something that can be finite and painful, but worth so much nonetheless.

Then there were the writings of Sappho, my favorite poet. In short, (because again, I could go on forever and ever) knowing that us lesbians have always existed is comforting and fills me with a sense of belonging that’s hard to come by as a queer person.

I drew up this sketch of moonflowers to represent bly, and a violet for Sappho:

I had never loved something I’ve drawn more than I loved this design. It was so, so intimate and personal to me. It was something that I wanted immortalized.

So, I took my ass to a shop and with the help of my fantastic artist and friends’ encouragement,(those assholes peer-pressured me to not use numbing cream so as to not be a “wimp”. THEY WANT ME DEADD ISTG) I got it tattooed!!

<3

[ggtess]

[ggtess]

Pt. 2 of my Unreal Unearth thoughts / review !!

(Utter bullshit)

(I just looove hozier)

To someone from a warm climate- (7/10) I’ve heard a lot of interpretations of this song and the one that speaks to me most is the tribulations of a violent relationship. Similar to cherry wine, I see it as two lovers from two climates and two separate walks of life being unable to connect naturally (violence against nature) and recognizing this, but pursuing each other regardless (violence against self). To acknowledge the queer coding in this, it could absolutely be interpreted as a homosexual relationship in where the two lovers are wanting to be with each other despite their “unnatural” circumstances. Still making an effort to communicate to one another about their personal climates and experiences. Relating this back to Dante’s inferno, those who were violent against nature, the sodomites, were genuinely placed in this level of hell, so I’m not pulling this out of my ass I swear.

Butchered tongue- (7/10) let me preface by saying I’m not well read on the colonization of the Irish, but wow did I feel the generational headache radiating from this song. Losing culture or rather having your culture stolen from you is an incredibly violent act that the narrator of this song seems to be mourning. To once again acknowledge the themes of loss in this song, the sullen feel is harsh and biting, contrasting the beautiful, soft melody. Fascinating stuff, I can’t praise the historical emphasis of Hozier’s music enough. He’s a genius.

Anything but- (4/10) this song is really funny. Obviously representing the fraudulent, the song is filled with false promises and flattery sung to us in such a comedic manner. At surface level it’s a cute love song, but come the second listen you can tell the narrators full of shit. The only reason it’s rated as low as it is is because I just didn’t really love how it sounded. Personal preference.

Abstract (psychopomp)- (7/10) This song gave me such visceral chills that I had to take a break in listening to go grab a blanket and some water. The kindness of lending an animal comfort and community in its final moments is so stark, it’s no wonder it was so impactful to the narrator. I believe wholeheartedly that this is the most musically powerful song on the album.

Unknown / nth- (9/10) The most poetic and devastating heartbreak song to date. In this final level of the inferno, representing treachery, any and all forms of betrayal are felt hard in these lyrics. The title itself is multifaceted- with unknown meaning being forgotten or just a current lack of familiarity- being either a threat to the sinners in this level or a warning to those who are righteous that, as said in the final lyric, there are some people who are better unknown. Besides the gorgeous religious allusions to Lucifer and Judas, this song is just fantastic. It’s the most pleasant to listen to for me.

First light (ascent)- (8/10) a perfect Crescendo to represent an escape from the darkness. Light as a heavenly presence as opposed to a blinding harshness. I couldn’t think of a bad thing to say about this album if I tried.

[ggtess]

I’ve been a fan of Hozier since I heard his song take me to church. Its intense religious scrutiny tied with its beautiful queer allusions roped me in instantly. It didn’t take me long to discover how talented this artist was, and how deep of an impact his music would have on me. He’s been a favorite ever since.

Following a steady increase of my love for Hozier, was a fast and intense love for the Inferno of Dante, a book that I was originally begrudgingly forced to read. I had already watched a youtube series on the comedia and figured that’s all I would really need from this story (sooo fucking embarrassing). But, as we delved deeper into the inferno and all the rich history associated with it, my english-subject-loving-brain was absolutely enamored. There was so much to digest and speculate and criticize and praise. I was in Heaven (haha).

Now obviously some months have passed since the release of this album, but I only recently discovered that Unreal Unearth featured the marriage of these two beloved interests of mine.

With all that being said, here’s are my incredibly belated, partially sincere and partially bullshit thoughts on Hozier’s Unreal Unearth:

De Shelby pt 1- (7/10) gorgeous guitar brought to us by a gorgeous Irish man. Desolate, chilling, sullen.

De Shelby pt 2- (7/10) absolutely insane transition. This bass is so catchy and rhythmic, really fun. I assume this is representative of the harsh descent into hell, running/hiding from the atonement of sins: throwing yourself into what is ungodly to avoid isolation.

First time- (8/10) this just sounds so fucking good, “some part of me must have died the first time that you called me ‘baby’ and some part of me came alive the first time that you called me ‘baby’” is so stark and relatable. God that is an absolutely devastating way to look at bouquets. A quick ode to the lost “remembering again/ the full extent of what forever is” because fuck. This is confusing and heart wrenching, a lover mourning his lost love and worshiping them all the same because they’re all he has in this eternity, this limbo leaves him lost and all he sees and all he knows is death, even through the kind gestures of flowers on his grave, desperate and lost

Francesca- (9/10) The first direct reference to the inferno via the storms of lust in the first circle. Listening has me confusing lust with love- is lust just an extension of love ?? Because this is a damn love song. “Heaven is not fit to house a love like you and I” oh my fucking god yeah this is the favorite. Does Hozier know that he’s a lesbian or should I tell him

I, Carrion- (8/10) so, so beautiful. Consumed in consumption itself, prioritizing pleasure over what is right and moral. So many references in this one- the turtles holding up the world, Icarus flying and falling, atlas carrying the weightless feeling he is experiencing.

Eat your young- (8/10) this song is popular for a reason. Obviously representing gluttony, the lyrics are so disgusting and immoral, hungry for more wealth, more gain, more, more. Criticism to world leaders, criticism to capitalism, criticism to consumerism, criticism to those who take and take. “Eat your young” stealing the future of your youth, decimating the climate, sending your children to war, sending your children to sweep chimneys, all exploitation, all eating your young. Also head ???

Damage gets done- (7/10) everyone move this song is so upbeat I need to fucking dance. Brandi has a really powerful voice that complements hozier’s so well. For something being representative of greed, this song is pretty damn grateful, at least on my first impression. In a pessimistic perspective, it could be the oblivion of the youth to their damage on the earth. Just by existing in the world we live in we leave an irreversible mark on our climate, our environment, our wildlife, etc. Unknowingly, we’re greedy to want to thrive in our world in any capacity but specifically financially. Maybe the best of us are our youth that don’t want for more than they have. This song contrasts the previous one HARSHLY.

Who we are- (6/10) this song is a headache. Juxtaposing the deeply frustrating lyrics of navigating the dark, burning out, chasing mindlessly and the loud singing filled with a sense of catharsis and relief is sooo mind boggling. So much uncertainty and passion.

Son of Nyx- (7/10) god I love a transition track. So dejected and beautiful at the same time. These themes of loss are just constant throughout the album. Someone tell me how Hozier did all this world building without any words? I would have genuinely guessed that the river Styx is what’s being represented by this instrumental, he captured it exactly how I imagined.

All things end- (6/10) This is definitely akin to gospel music. Hozier’s influence from black artists is rich in this song, really fun listen. Also deeply ironic to use this style of music to write a song about heresy. Reminds me of his iconic take me to church.

Continued in next post ! :-)

[ggtess]

[ggtess]

Ocean Vuong, from “Someday I’ll Love Ocean Vuong”, Night Sky with Exit Wounds

[ggtess]

hello. here’s a poem I wrote.

[ggtess]

how terrible it is / to love something death can touch

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