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to be seen without performing. to be heard without screaming. to be missed without disappearing. to be enough without proving it. to be held without falling apart. to be understood without explaining. to be wanted without conditions. to be. to be.

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Spring in Paris

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Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

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"I wanted to be unforgettable. Indelible. I wanted to haunt their hearts and minds—to be everywhere and nowhere, spectacular and out of reach. Only in the chaos did it dawn on me. Being remembered is not the same as being missed."

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grief

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Soooo I just found this in my drafts funnily enough — I wrote it before the second season came out so I guess sometimes in late 2022/early 2023. Back when I was (foolishly) hopeful for season 2 and honestly I might make something out of it and get to writing.

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How, in my opinion, they can salvage the ‘call me Aleksander’ scene : flashbacks of moments between the Darkling and Alina that we’ve never seen before (the deleted scenes!!! More of Alina’s life at the Little Palace please thanks), prior to the unfortunate name reveal, shown to us one by one as Alina grieve for what could have been and for the man she’s come to almost love. Mal calling him by his name and Alina immediately snapping at him not to say it aloud, with us the audience realizing that she feels guilty over sharing this last confidence she’s gotten from him. The Darkling letting her know, very bitterly, that she’s made him feel .. human (not in so many words, ‘course), that he thought he’d finally found the one who’ll accept and understand him, his one true equal, that he believed for a second that he’ll never be alone again, and him looking back at her and telling her he’s been unfortunately mistaken, that it was a weakness on his part - I put my trust in a girl who cannot stand the thought of her own potential - and that he’ll never even think of trusting her ever again, with her yelling back that he never really did, did he, that his flowery words meant nothing because it wasn’t enough, that he’s never given them a chance, that he shouldn’t delude his actions for what they are to ease his own guilty conscience, and that she’s the one who’s never going to trust him again. And then we have the Darkling responding that she never did, either, because she ran off without hearing his side of the story. We see them glaring down at each other, the echoes of the proud, hurtful words barring them from adding more, then the Darkling disappears and she’s left alone with her dark thoughts. We get the ‘you betrayed me’ as well as the ‘all men can be made fools’ line from Aleksander. We get a ‘I was merciful’ moment from the Darkling, after he threatens Mal’s life. We get the ‘I want you to know my name, will you have it?’ line in a different way, maybe a ‘I want you to know my story, will you hear it, Alina?’ and him telling her about the events in the Demon in the Wood, and us being shown them, of course, and more - how he came to be an ever present member of Ravka’s court and the founder of the second army, how badly the Grishas were treated and are treated even now. I want him to tell her about his past lives. If he obviously trusts her enough to tell her the name tattooed on his heart, he trusts her enough to tell her all that’s happened to him, to make her understand that not all things are black and white, that it was for the greater good, for them, and when he realizes that she can’t see past his wrongdoings, we see his anger. How dare she judge him when she’s abandoned Ravka for a peaceful life with Mal? When she’s betrayed him?

Season 2 do not fail me I want the best angst ever written, please. Let Alina find out Aleksander destroyed Novokribirsk because they were actively trying to assassinate her and that he wasn’t lying on that front, it’s interesting to see her conflicted emotions at war. I want a lovers to tragic obsessive enemies. I want misunderstandings, with the frustrating realization that they’ll never talk about anything without making it worse. But I also want Alina to realize that the Darkling is the extreme, that what he is fighting for might have started as a good cause, but that he lost himself centuries-of-persecution earlier. I want her to learn from his mistakes. To see in him a version of herself that she might become, should she forget herself. Overall I just want to see her fight for her people and become BAMF. Ughhh so many thoughts

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Fyodor Dostoyevsky // Alanis Morissette

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save me lesbian with big brown pretty eyes save me

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oooh the vision

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me, quietly whispering to the ao3 page of an author who doesn’t even know I exist: I am obsessed with you

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apologies to anyone who ever thought i was cool and reached out to me only to discover i am just a weird little hermit who can't carry on a conversation to save my life

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i will say, the worst thing that happened in fandom was when shipping just became “i ship this bc it’s gonna be real” and not just “i ship this bc i think it’s a fun dynamic to explore idc what the writers are doing that’s not my business”

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