Let me touch you
Suguru watches fondly how Satoru basically flies over to him, excited after a mission, but his feet never really touching the ground. Not with Infinity up and running all the time now.
âIâm back,â Satoru yells out as if him being here is not enough of a hint for Suguru to know that but still. Suguru indulges him just like he always does.
Itâs a problem.
âI can see that,â he canât help but to still say, rolling his eyes but going on before Satoruâs face falls. âWelcome back.â
It makes Satoru grin brightly at him and Suguru valiantly ignores the heavy thumping of his heart. The fact that Satoru doesnât hesitate to throw himself at Suguruâs back, hanging off his shoulder as if he belongs there, doesnât help.
âWere you terribly bored without me here?â Satoru asks, poking Suguruâs cheekâexcept heâs not poking it, not really.
He might thin out Infinity as much as he can, but itâs still wrapped around Satoru, it still makes sure that Satoru doesnât really touch Suguru.
The sting that thought brings with it is enough to finally get Suguruâs heart to calm down.
âBored? Those were the best two days of my life,â Suguru shoots back, because itâs what they do, itâs what Satoru expects of him, even though itâs a bold-faced lie, and Suguru is proven right when Satoru throws his head back with laughter.
âLiar,â he almost giggles out, his body still pressed against Suguruâs except not really and Suguru would never admit it, but things finally feel right again.
He does hate it so when Satoru isnât there.
âIdiot,â he mutters but does nothing to push Satoru away, adjusting his step in a way that allows Satoru to be dragged along as well as he continues on his way to his room.
Satoru is a comforting weight at his side, his incessant talking almost like a balm to Suguruâs ears and yetâit simply doesnât feel right, not with Infinity still separating them.
Heâs not going to ask though; Suguru promised himself heâs not going to ask but it gets harder with every day.
~*~*~
Suguru is going to ask.
He has to. Itâs three weeks later, and the thought that he canât touch Satoru, not really, hasnât left his mind once. Itâs driving him insane, if Suguru is honest.
He wonders if itâs just him, maybe; if Satoru canât stomach being touched by him and Suguru refuses to admit just how much that thought hurts him.
But that, at least, is easy to confirm or deny.
âHey, Shoko,â he greets as he comes into what she calls her office and what Suguru would deem a morgue.
âYouâre not bleeding out,â she immediately gives back, eyes narrowing. âWhat do you want?â
âCanât I just come to visit you?â Suguru asks but he knows she looks right through him, because he hates coming here and only ever does it if he has to to get healed.
And since that is not the case, sheâs right to be suspicious of him.
âYou can, but you never do,â Shoko says, fixing him with a glare and Suguru winces.
âI know, Iâm sorry,â he tells her and he even means it.
With how the higher-ups are working him and Satoru to the bone and Shokoâs increased workload with cutting up all kinds of things they havenât seen much of each other lately.
âI know, too,â Shoko admits with a sigh and her gaze gentles. âWhat brings you here? Lonely, without Satoru pestering you at every step?â she asks, a smirk playing around her mouth and Suguru refuses to blush.
âThis is actually about Satoru,â Suguru says, and he knows he has her attention when her eyes widen.
âOh? What has he done now?â she wants to know, leaning slightly forwards as if Suguru is about to drop the juiciest gossip on her.
âNothing, he has done nothing,â Suguru immediately gives back, much to her disappointment it seems. âItâs justâIâve been wondering.â
âAbout what? Do I have to drag everything out of you? I donât have all day, you know,â Shoko tells him with a pointed look at something on her table, and Suguru refuses to identify it.
Heâs better off not knowing, heâs sure of that.
âDoes he keep Infinity on at all times? Around you?â he gets out and he doesnât want to admit even to himself how fast his heart is racing in anticipation.
He doesnât know if he could take it if she tells him that Satoru lets her touch him.
âOh yeah,â Shoko says with a shrug. âHe boasted to me that he never takes it down these days; heâs going to fry his brain one of these days, reverse cursed technique or not.â
âHe never takes it down,â Suguru mutters, and doesnât know what to do with the conflicting feelings inside of him.
On the one side heâs happy to hear that heâs not the only one being kept out but on the other his worry for Satoru only grows.
He has the wherewithal to mutter a short âThanksâ before he leaves Shoko without further explanation, even though she calls after him, but his mind is running.
Satoru doesnât let anyone touch him. No one and nothing. It sounds like such a Satoru thing to do, after what they went through, but it also sounds lonely and very, very wrong.
~*~*~
Suguru asks when Satoru has his head pillowed in his lap, and even though heâs this close, Suguru is painfully aware of the infinity that separates them.
âHey, Satoru,â he starts and waits until Satoru drags his eyes away from the show thatâs currently running.
âMh?â he mutters, clearly more asleep than awake at this point and Suguru has half a mind to not ask, but the need to know is burning under his skin.
âDo you always have Infinity up?â he asks, comes right out with it and Satoru blinks at him.
âOf course I do.â
âAlways? Even in moments like this?â he wonders, and fights the urge to card his fingers through Satoruâs hair. It wouldnât mean anything anyway, if Suguru canât touch him.
âYeah.â
What a lonely existence, Suguru thinks to himself.
âBut why?â he asks out loud because it doesnât make sense.
It makes sense for Satoru to keep his barrier up when they are out, when they are fighting but here? Itâs just Suguru here and it honestly stings a whole lot to know that Satoru doesnât even trust him enough to lower his guard around him.
Suguru thought they were closer than that.
âBecause the last time someone touched me, they carved me straight open, throat to hip,â Satoru snaps out. âIâm not going to let that happen again.â
Suguru opens his mouth to protest; itâs not as if he would ever hurt Satoru but he snaps his mouth shut before any words can make it past his lips.
Heâs in no position to critique what must be Satoruâs trauma response; Suguru still feels himself slipping sometimes when he hears sounds that are too close to clapping; the rain and lately the shower are really taking it out of him.
Satoru died that day, Suguru knows, however brief it was, so itâs really no surprise that heâs taking extreme measures to keep that from ever happening again but stillâSuguru would never hurt him.
âI see,â he whispers, refusing to squirm under Satoruâs glare and he pats his head in apology. âI was just curious is all,â Suguru tries to appease him and with one last frown, Satoru returns to their show.
Suguru doesnât bring it up again but whenever his touch meets Infinity before Satoruâs skin he canât help but to wonder why Satoru thinks that heâs going to hurt him, too.
~
*~*~
âYouâre going to turn into an old man soon,â Satoru greets him with a few days later and Suguru rolls his eyes.
âJust matching you in your geriatric ways,â he shoots back and then leans in close, carefully inspecting Satoruâs face. âIs that a wrinkle I see?â
Satoru sucks in a scandalised breath. âSuguru, I donât wrinkle, Iâm too pretty for that!â
âKeep telling yourself that. I guess youâre lucky that your hair is already white. No need to wait for it to catch up to all those wrinkles youâre going to get.â
âWhat are you being so rude to me for?â Satoru whines out, flopping himself over Suguruâs back.
Except for how heâs not, because Infinity isâlike alwaysâon.
Suguru wonders if heâll ever stop thinking about it, or if this is how the rest of their lives are going to be now; Satoru deathly afraid of being touched and Suguru forever yearning to do so.
He hopes not.
âYou started it,â Suguru says, only slightly belated and Satoru pouts at him.
âI just wanted to know what you want for your birthday,â he finally says and Suguru chuckles.
âThere are like five million better ways to start a conversation than insulting me to my face,â he tells him but he doesnât shrug Satoru off, to let him know that heâs not really mad.
âMaybe, but you know me,â Satoru carelessly says and then pokes Suguruâs cheek. âSo? Any birthday wishes?â
Thereâs one, right at the tip of Suguruâs tongue of course but he bites it back. He would never ask that of Satoru.
He could laugh it off maybe, if he were to ask to be allowed to touch Satoru, just once, but Satoru gets weird about birthday presents and heâd probably force himself to go through with it, just to please Suguru.
Suguru could never stomach that. He wants Satoru to want to be touched by him, and asking for that as his present is just all kinds of wrong.
âDunno,â he mutters, when Satoruâs gaze goes a little too searching because Suguru is taking too long to answer. âI donât really want anything.â
âThere must be something,â Satoru argues. âCome on now, donât be shy, you can tell me.â
âSatoru, honestly, I canât think of anything at the moment,â Suguru sighs out, avoiding to look at Satoruâs face because he just knows that heâll look disappointed and Suguru hates disappointing Satoru.
âNothing? Nothing at all?â
âNothing at all, Iâm sorry,â Suguru gives back. âJust. Make sure youâre there, okay? Thatâs all I want. Letâs spend the day together.â
âBut we do that every day,â Satoru whines out.
âWhen weâre not on missions, yeah.â It doesnât happen often enough these days, with the way the higher-ups are sending them out almost constantly so when they both happen to be off at the same time, it feels like a miracle.
It feels like something to be treasured to Suguru, but heâs not about to say that.
âThatâs really all you want?â Satoru asks, his gaze searching and Suguru shrugs.
âMaybe pay for my dinner too, but yeah. Thatâs all I want.â
Satoru makes an unhappy sound in the back of his throat; unhappy enough that Suguru reaches out and flicks his forehead.
âDonât be like that, just get me whatever if it bothers you so much. If itâs from you, Iâll like it,â Suguru promises him, briefly wondering if heâs saying too much but that thought gets wiped out when Satoru smiles brightly at him.
âAww, I knew you loved me,â Satoru sing-songs out and Suguru presses his lips together so he doesnât say something even more embarrassing, like âI really doâ.
âShut the hell up,â he says instead, shoving Satoru off his shoulder, his hand sliding off Infinity uselessly and when Satoru cackles and steps away Suguruâs shoulder doesnât feel cold.
It canât feel cold, because Satoru doesnât let him touch him, and that thought, more than anything, makes ice run through his veins.
Satoru doesnât trust him and Suguru can never forget it.
~*~*~
They spend Suguruâs birthday just like he wanted; just the three of them, eating a whole bunch of junk and joking around like they used to do before all of them got too busy to enjoy their days. Itâs the perfect birthday, Suguru is not too afraid to admit that, and he really couldnât have wished for more.
So heâs understandably confused when Satoru follows him to his room once they said their good-nights, because Suguru thought saying goodnight actually means going to bed.
In their own rooms.
âWhat are you doing?â he cautiously asks Satoru, who is just a step behind him, keeping a little bit of distance between them and Suguru frowns when Satoru flinches at his voice.
âItâs a surprise,â Satoru shortly says, nodding his head towards Suguruâs door. âCan we get going? Or do you want to stay in this hallway the entire night?â
His voice is clipped, almost as if heâs angry, and Suguru knows him well enough to know that heâs nervous. He has no idea what he could be nervous about though.
âSatoruââ he trails off when Satoru fixes him with a glare.
âI have one more gift for you, okay, can we please justââ he points towards the door.
âIââ Suguru didnât expect that. âOkay, alright.â
He gets the door open, Satoru pushing in even before Suguru does and if itâs something that leaves Satoru this nervous then Suguru would probably to do well to be worried out of his mind. Suguru just hopes Satoru isnât going to level the school with this.
âSatoru, you already got me a gift,â Suguru reminds him, because the charm with a picture of the three of them is already dangling from his phone.
âAnd I have one more, whatâs it to you?â Satoru snaps out before he takes a deep breath. âCome here would you?â Satoru asks, sitting down on the couch and impatiently patting the space next to him.
Suguru walks over, though he drags his feet about it.
âYou donât seem too happy,â Suguru carefully says, because he doesnât understand whatâs going on.
If itâs just a gift, it shouldnât put Satoru in such a mood, and in all honesty, Suguru isnât sure he wants it like this anyway.
Not if it puts that strained look on Satoruâs face.
âIâm justâthis is not easy,â Satoru says, teeth clenched, hands gripping the fabric of his pants tightly. âBut itâs you, so itâs going to be okay, right?â he then asks and Suguru still has no idea what the hell is going on, but he nods anyway.
âOf course it will be,â he gives back, because it is him and he would never hurt Satoru or let anything happen to him, no matter what.
âAlright,â Satoru breathes out and just like that, his eyes dim.
His eyes dim, his cursed energy falls away and Suguru knows without a doubt that Infinity has been turned off.
âSatoru,â he breathes out, too surprised to do anything else because Satoru himself said that no one can touch him, no one can ever touch him ever again, and yet here he is, Infinity lowered and looking defiantly at Suguru.
âWhat?â Satoru snaps out. âThis is what you wanted, right?â
It is, it is, but still, Suguru shakes his head.
âPut it back up,â he says, keeping his distance from Satoru as if touching him could kill either one of them. âSatoru, put it back up!â
Satoru falters, his face falling for a moment, but he does as heâs told, Suguru can tell by the faint hum in the air, and the eerie glow of Satoruâs eyes.
Itâs only when Suguru is sure that Infinity is safely enwrapping Satoru again that he pulls him into a hug.
âDonât just do this for me,â he whispers, pressing Satoruâs face into his shoulder.
Itâs faint, but he feels Satoru trembling, knows just how much even that offer took out of Satoru and Suguru thought this was what he wanted, but it turns out itâs not.
He doesnât want this, not if Satoru has to push himself past his own limits to offer this to Suguru.
âWhatâs going on?â Satoru asks after a long moment and Suguru sighs, keeping him close, even though they canât get as close as Suguru would like.
But Satoru is still trembling in his arms.
âDonât do this if youâre not ready,â Suguru mutters and he feels how Satoru tenses.
âWell, Infinity is a stupid coping mechanism that I need to get rid of,â Satoru seethes out and Suguru wonders who he talked to lately to make him think like that.
âWhen youâre ready, yeah, but not like this. Satoru, we all have our ways to cope, right?â Suguru reminds him, because two days ago Suguru felt unstable enough that he had Satoru sit in on his shower, filling the space with his incessant ranting about Digimon to drown out the sound of the falling water, so that there could be no clapping.
They all cope in different ways.
âBut you want to, right?â Satoru asks, pushing away from Suguru. âYou want to touch me.â
âYes,â Suguru admits. âBut I want you to want it, too.â
Satoru opens and closes his mouth several times before he finally looks away.
âI want you to, I justâit makes me so vulnerable.â
Suguru doesnât remind him that heâs not going to hurt Satoru, because thatâs not really the issue here anyway.
âItâs been over a year now, right, since anyone touched you?â
Itâs a long time to get used to something, itâs a long time to be afraid of something and Suguru understands why this is hard for him.
âYeah,â Satoru admits and Suguru nods.
âA compromise then,â he offers and taps Satoruâs hand, clenched tightly again. âCan you partially drop Infinity? Just around your hand, maybe?â
âYou want to hold my hand that badly, huh?â Satoru jokes, clearly trying to distract and lesson the tension but Suguru holds his gaze.
âYes, actually,â he admits, because what is one more admission today, right? âI do want to hold your hand, very badly, and I hate that I canât, even though I understand.â
Satoru blinks at him before he breathes out a faint âOhâ.
âYeah, oh,â Suguru agrees, his heart in his throat, because Satoru has not given him any kind of answer.
Suguru doesnât know if that was a bad or a good oh and every second that ticks by just makes this entire thing more unbearable.
âI mean, Iâve never done partial Infinity, I donât know if I can,â Satoru mutters, a faint frown on his face and itâs answer enough for Suguru.
âThen figure it out, genius,â he eggs him on, briefly touching his fingers to Satoruâs hand.
Infinity is still separating them, but it seems that Satoru might want this enough to master a new aspect of his technique.
âAlright, give me a moment,â Satoru snaps out, a faint flush on his face and Suguru leans back with a smile.
Satoru wants to be touched by him; Satoru wants them to hold hands.
Suguru almost feels sick with the butterflies in his stomach.
âI thinkâmaybe?â Satoru asks and holds his hand out for Suguru.
Itâs shaking again and Suguru has to remind himself that Satoru hasnât been touched by anyone in over a year now, so he doesnât immediately take Satoruâs hand in his. Instead, he starts slow, by bringing the tips of his fingers to Satoruâs knuckles.
âOh,â Satoru gasps out when he makes contact and Suguru echoes him because he is touching Satoru.
Not the infinity between them, but Satoru and he can feel it; Satoruâs skin, his warmth. He didnât know it would be so different.
âThis okay?â Suguru asks and slides his fingers down Satoruâs until he can press their fingertips together.
âYeah,â Satoru mutters, his eyes fixed on where they touch. âCan youââ
He bites himself off, but Suguru can tell that he wants to ask for more, and he is happy to give that to Satoru.
âTurn your hand around,â he tells Satoru, who complies almost scarily fast and Suguru has to bite back a laugh.
It wouldnât do to scare Satoru away now.
Once Satoruâs palm is facing him, Suguru drags his fingers over the skin there as well, makes sure to touch as much as he can, trying to get Satoru used to the sensation again.
âToo much?â he asks, his fingers resting lightly in the middle of Satoruâs palm.
âYou wish,â Satoru snaps out and doesnât hesitate to thread their fingers together, pressing their palms against each other.
It takes a lot out of him, Suguru can tell, but Satoru made this decision so Suguru doesnât say anything. He just squeezes Satoruâs hand slightly and tires to pretend that this simple contact doesnât make him as happy as it does.
âIâforgot how that felt,â Satoru mutters after a minute and Suguru gentles their hold, though he doesnât let go of Satoru.
âGood or bad?â he wants to know and Satoru huffs.
âItâs you, so good,â he gives back, that same faint flush back on his face and Suguru drops his head to his shoulder.
âSatoru,â he whispers and wonders if it would be too much to press a kiss to the back of Satoruâs hand.
Only one way to find out, Suguru guesses and then does just that.
It earns him a startled gasp from Satoru but he doesnât pull away, so Suguru does it again and again and again.
âSuguru, stop,â Satoru complaints after the tenth and Suguru chuckles.
âMake me,â he gives back, because it would be so, so easy for Satoru to put Infinity back up, but nothing happens. âThought so,â Suguru smugly says, and grins at Satoru, though his smile slides off his face when he sees the frown on Satoruâs. âWhat?â
âI canâtâgive you more than that,â Satoru presses out, and he seems distressed by that. âItâs so much already.â
âI know,â Suguru soothingly says, pulling his hand back until he can loosely tangle their fingers together. âItâs alright. This is already plenty.â
And it is; heâs not lying about that. Satoru has kept Infinity on for so long that even this little contact is more than Suguru ever really hoped for and itâs probably bordering on too much for Satoru himself.
âIf you want to we can work our way up. If not, then thatâs fine, too,â Suguru tries to reassure him and Satoru snorts.
âSo you would be okay with never touching me again after this?â he wants to know and his tone implies that he already knows the answer.
âOf course,â Suguru gives back.
He might have wished for this more than anything but seeing Satoru struggle with this little contact alreadyâSuguru would happily go back to never be able to touch him again if it would mean Satoru doesnât have to shake like that.
âBe serious for a moment,â Satoru chides him and Suguru holds his gaze.
âI am. Satoru, I donât want to pressure you into anything. If youâre not comfortable with this, I understand. Sure, I might wish for things to be different, but then again, I also wish I could shower without a backup plan. But some things just donât work out that way, and some things might still need some time. As long as youâre comfortable, itâs fine.â
âHow can you justââ Satoru splutters and Suguru leans their foreheads together.
Heâs not going for a kiss, not if he canât really touch Satoru, but this is good, too.
âI can, because itâs you,â he whispers into the space between them. âBecause itâs us.â
âUs,â Satoru repeats and grips Suguruâs hand more firmly. âYou and me, right?â
âAlways,â Suguru agrees.
âWe can work our way up,â Satoru mutters after a moment. âAnd maybe I can make it so that you can get past Infinity, but no one else can? That should be possible, right?â
âWith you, everything is possible,â Suguru sighs out, because Satoru literally defied death.
Suguru doubts thereâs a single thing he canât do. And he has to admit that it warms him from deep inside to hear that Satoru might want this, just so that they can touch.
âThank you, Satoru,â Suguru eventually says, their hands still tangled together. âThank you.â
âHappy birthday, Suguru,â Satoru gives back and when he lifts their hands to press a kiss to Suguruâs he has Infinity lowered again, so that Suguru feels his lips against his skin.
Suguru sucks in a breath at the same time that Satoru does and maybe itâs a good thing theyâll have to work their way up, if even that brief contact is enough to get that kind of reaction out of them both.
Suguru certainly doesnât mind if they have to take their time, as long as Satoru doesnât mind either. And itâs not as if they have to rush anything. They have all the time in the world.
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