gigi-ssj

[gigi-ssj]

-💜

[gigi-ssj]

You used to be the light of my eyes

but putting it in the past tense

breaks my heart.

You deleted all my brightest smiles

and I don't want to cry anymore

but it's the only way

my eyes can shine again.

[gigi-ssj]

[gigi-ssj]

I was burning, while you came blaming me for the smell of ashes. -Fyodor Dostoevsky

[gigi-ssj]

I really tried

not to take things personally, and I tried not to cry or think that it wasn’t my fault.

But shit, how could I take this feeling off my chest?

Because it’s mine, it’s my heart.

The feeling of being used,

of being something only when you want to fuck.

Am I really something important?

Or am I just creating a fairy tale in my mind,

when I’m nothing but a secondary character?

I feel invisible until you talk to me,

and I’m sick of it.

[gigi-ssj]

[gigi-ssj]

i hope this time we could work

i can’t wait to be part of you

can’t wait to be one with you

can’t wait to feel you again

even if it’s hard

we could be a wonderful place

to stay, and never leave.

[gigi-ssj]

We’re in a hotel and you cannot find your shoes.

I’ve ordered coffee, just for you.

Plain white toast, for two.

“There isn’t one thing for yourself that you can do.

You’ve gotta get yourself together.

Gotta grow up soon.”

Get your camera, shoot this scene.

You tried to build a movie screen,

but bet it all on hopes and dreams.

I called the doctor about my spleen.

Show up to chemotherapy.

Kicked the coffee, eat my greens.

90 pounds are left of me.

You take the fat for kerosene.

The sadness stays, the lovers leave.

[gigi-ssj]

i thought my heart was healing

didn’t notice that it wouldn’t be last forever

as the rain on summer

noting would change the course of the season

my depression last for evermore

we were just a short time

that would hurt forever

but i refused to die

not by your side

[gigi-ssj]

You tolerated me for so long,

wish you were still around.

My hands can’t handle the loss;

they need to hold you one more time.

You’re not here, but I feel you deep in my heart.

Can you please make me hate you?

Just tell me horrible things, leave me broken again,

push my details aside,

show me that my mural is just a dark sky,

and leave me stranded by this closed door

just to never come back again.

You’re a ghost at home, at work, in my life.

I’ve changed my hair, my body, and my style;

I’ve tried to be another person.

I’ve smoked my tears and thrown up all my words,

but your ghost is still here, and I can’t tolerate it anymore.

Please stop haunting me or come back—

do something; I know that both would break me anyway.

[gigi-ssj]

what if i set fire to all my memories

and forget about you?

what if i don’t care about the good, the bad, or the happy moments?

i’m tired of waiting, tired of expectations,

tired of wondering what you’re going to do.

i’m just a foolish person, someone who can’t simply forget—

a fucking pathological people pleaser

who can’t say what i want if it doesn’t fit with what you want.

you might as well just shoot me if you want,

or break my heart in just a glimpse,

as fast as you left, faster than the time we spent dancing to that song,

faster than you forgetting me.

but i know i’m not just an empty soul,

not like you, at least—

that’s what you showed me.

i can’t imagine you without feeling a stone in my stomach.

you ruined my life, you took it away from me.

maybe that’s why you finally have a heart.

[gigi-ssj]

six weeks of breathing clean air, i still miss the somoke

[gigi-ssj]

the pain doesn’t last forever

you’re going to disappear

someday.

but i’m sure that the day i stop thinking about you

is the day you’ll reappear

breaking me into a thousand pieces,

taking all the time it took to heal

and throwing it in the trash.

but will i allow it?

i’m sure i will

because letting go of you

is going to take seven years.

do you know why?

the father’s dna stays in the body of the mother for seven years—

but not forever,

just as i used to think this pain would.

[gigi-ssj]

you hurt

even if i say i’m over you

how can i be?

you always will be

the reason i’m here

isn’t it ironic?

you’re the one who saves me

and now you’re the one who’s killing me

it’s almost been a month

but it feels like the first day

the only thing that’s different

is that i’m dry

i have no tears for you

or for anyone

it feels like you took away

all my feelings with you

i can’t be with anyone else

i can’t admire another’s eyes

i can’t even imagine

and you can’t even imagine

how you hurt

[gigi-ssj]

I see you in the smoke.

Maybe that’s why I’m smoking a lot.

It’s the only way I have

to see you next to me,

instead of just pictures

that are breaking my heart

again and again.

You’re right, you’re not in my life anymore,

but how did that happen?

I miss you every day, as part of a routine:

sleep, dream of you, wake up, think of you.

And it’s just a cycle

that drives me crazy.

Do you remember the spiral I used to talk about?

Now it happens to me every day

because I don’t have your arms around me,

and that’s why I wake up to smoke a cigarette,

just to see you in the smoke.

[gigi-ssj]

why am i still here

i’m just an idiot

i can’t even think about anything else

i just want to give up

what is even the point of still here

you aren’t happy by my side

i feel like you hate me

and it’s totally valid

isn’t it?

i’m the bad one, the crazy, the problematic. You said it once, why wouldn’t you say it twice?

i’m sick

i feel like i don’t have a solution

i’m broken, im irreparable.

i can’t stick my parts by my own

what’s the future i have?

i don’t want just to listen how you give a fuck

[gigi-ssj]

What a horrible feeling,

being treated as the also-ran,

when you give everything of you,

all the time.

Maybe it’s okay to be tired of it,

maybe it’s okay to just stop giving,

because you’re not receiving anything.

Maybe the reciprocation didn’t exist,

or you’re not the one he wants to give to.

Why did I have to feel this way?

Is it really that hard to be attentive?

Fuck it.

I thought I should communicate what I want or how I feel,

but it doesn’t feel like communication anymore.

It feels like I’m pleading, like I’m asking for something that will never happen.