greycloudsandsilverlinings

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

On Tuesday, August 11th, 2020, I started feeling feverish after working 24 hours in 2 days. I still went out that night because my friend and I had not hung out alone in a while and I love her company. I was tired and felt awful but still pushed myself to smile and hang out for a few hours.

The following day, Wednesday, August 12th, 2020, I felt worse. I called off of work early in the morning on the notion that I was going to take my grandmother to the doctor. She had an appointment later on that day. I tried to rest at home but found that I wasnt well enough to take her. My mother took her instead.

I fell asleep and woke up from my nap at approx. 4:03 pm with blue lips and cyanosis. I freaked out and asked my mother to take me to the hospital. I went, they put fluids in me and prescribed tylenol and motrin to control my fever.

The following day was spent trying to manage my symptoms. My mother was uneasy and sensed that something was wrong.

On Friday, August 14th, 2020 my mother took me to my family doctor. He said I was going to develop symptoms of COVID-19 and to go get tested again. I had already been tested negative on Wednesday at the hospital. He ordered an abdominal ultrasound and I did that the same day. My mother, frustrated with the fact that he did not give any advice to alleviate my symptoms, gave me an antibiotic.

I started taking them every 8 hours.

I recieved the results for the ultrasound on Saturday. I felt fine. I was even hyper that night.

Sunday, August 16th, 2020 I asked a friend to take me to the hospital. I woke up pale-yellow and feeling awful. On our way there, I tried to be pleasant and alive with my friend. She didn't know how awful I felt. The hospital we went to was about 45 minutes away from my home. It was recommended by just about everyone.

She stayed with me until they told her she had to leave until I was tested negative again for COVID-19. I told her she could just go home, we had already been there for 6 hours.

My blood results came back fine. There was no explanation for my fever. The doctor ordered a lumbar puncture a.k.a. a spinal tap. I refused at first, worried that it would hurt long term and/or cause me an infection.

The doctor told me that if I don't do the lumbar puncture, I could risk dying instead. My mother was on the phone. I was scared now, I agreed to do it.

The procedure itself isn't horrible, just traumatic. I vomited all over myself during it. The feeling of violation from a needle being inserted between my vertebrae and into my spinal column was absolutely horrific.

I had to lay down flat for an hour afterwards.

The results came back negative for COVID-19.

The results came back positive for meningitis.

I was immediately started on antibiotics. The migraine worsened. It felt like the rubberband around the watermelon challenge around my head.

My mother now joined me for the time being, she was terrified. I was terrified.

CT scan was done. I was clear.

I was admitted into the hospital. I was on the 8th floor. I had been in the emergency room for 14 hours.

All night, blood work was taken. Tests were conducted. I didn't get much sleep. My migraine was getting worse with the lack of sleep.

Over the next few days, I was pumped with antibiotics, steroids and pain killers to keep my symptoms under control.

Over the next few days, we waited for my test results.

I tested negative for any and all viral infections. They feared the worst. Bacterial meningitis can kill you much faster than viral meningitis. My cultures came back inconclusive. The antibiotics I took on Friday were likely the cause.

I was discharged on Wednesday, August 19th, 2020. The cause of my meningitis still unknown but the hospital claimed that it did all it can for me. They dubbed it as a viral meningitis although I know it probably wasn't. It was really bright and the car ride home was almost too much to bear.

On Thursday, August 20th, I could barely leave my bed. I couldn't tolerate any light or noise. It would send me reeling in pain from the constant migraine.

Just imagine a knife and a hammer, both in their respective general verbiage of stabbing or hitting on a drill, circulating around your head and forehead and everytime a noise or light or some sort of stimuli happened it would get more intense. It was awful.

Family came to visit me. Congratulating me on my safe return and recovery. I couldn't stand them. All I wanted to do was sleep. I was grateful and appreciative. They understood that I was still recovering.

Friday, August 21st, 2020, we called my family doctor. We explained to him what had transpired and how the medication given to us by the hospital wasn't helping. He told me that I was lucky to be alive and prescribed me my regular migraine medication.

When he said that it sunk in. It started to burrow in me that I could have died. I didn't think much of it. I didn't really care before. Holy shit, I could have been dead. Is that why everyone was so sympathetic? I had no clue. I was scared something might be wrong. I just never really though about how I could die.

I don't think anyone will get it. It's a weird dream to me. Today is Saturday, August 22nd, 2020. I still have migraines. I still have to go to work in Monday. There is just a lot of thinking I've got to do about my life.

I'm not ready for that yet.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

Why not me?

Have you ever stop to think what it would look like what it would be like what it would feel like but you won't allow it you don't even think twice about it you never ever mentioned it I'm just not good enough

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

The mom friend.

Why does that sound so negative? Why does it make me feel like I'm not a lady who deserves to be adored? It makes me feel under-appreciated and makes me feel like I'm boring or a prude. It makes me feel like nobody will look at me in an attractive light like I'm sexy or beautiful just that I am the mom friend. I'm the plain person in the background that takes care of everybody around me... I look older from stress. I dress older. I dress more professional. I always consistently hear that I look like a mom and in some way shape or form I kind of am but nobody wants to date a mom friend... nobody wants to be around a mom friend, the super responsible friend that doesn't know how to have fun... that had no sense of humor, the one who can't wind down.

Everyone assumes I'm older based on my appearance. It kind of really sucks. I hate hearing it. It makes me not feel good.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

Misunderstood

I am always misunderstood. People seem to misread my intentions for personal or selfish gain when they honestly are very far from that. If I give out advice to a specific person it is tailored to them and their specific situation in order to help them.

This is especially sensitive when it comes to romance; people always assume that I am trying to hinder/meddle a relationship when truly I'm just trying to help.

I have this other friend who is in a relationship that is hindering them and their future and it makes me go crazy because their partner isn't supportive and doesn't help them be better. I have had a crush on this person for 13 years and they will never look at me again. I attest that it is because I am such a long time friend that the romance between us cannot exist and that hurts sometimes. But these conflicting associations makes it very hard to not come off as unsupportive due to my feelings rather than unsupportive because of other things.

I genuinely want to see people grow and get better but they don't seem to see the same for me or from me. That must be because of how much I am misunderstood.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

Pushing me away?

I have a friend whom I call my best friend I have known them for a very long period of time. I don't understand why every single time something happens and I'm not able to be there physically I am pushed away as though I am no longer useful later on. Maybe it's because they require their space which of course is understandable if it was requested instead of ignoring text messages and phone calls of worry and anxiety or even giving me the cold shoulder or the silent treatment when all I've been trying to do is help. Sometimes I believe it stems from their trust issues, or what shouldn't be there after 10 plus years of friendship and consistency.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

Go into something that makes you feel like a newborn lamb walking amongst a field of grass and flowers that look so delicious to eat.

Go into something that piques your curiosity, that makes your heart tingle or even flutter.

Go into something that makes you yearn to do more be at helping people or finishing the project.

Going to something that makes you feel full and sometimes empty so you can appreciate the full.

Go into something that makes you feel accepted regardless of your views or beliefs.

Go into something that will HELP you make a decent living, you don't need to be rich.

Not everyone has the luxury of going into something that inspires them but at least do something that makes you happy not miserable for months or even years questioning who you are and why you did it.

Go into something that gives you a headache and then gives you something to make it go away.

Go into something that isn't just constant negativity.

Go into something that makes you experience the full spectrum of emotions especially happy.

Going into something that you love is too simple.

Go into something more.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

Caring. TOO. Much.

When I care, I CARE.

I'll bleed and fight for you.

Ill beat you up if I want to protect you.

But there are some things I can't protect people from and that sucks.

I think I impose too much.

But I just want to protect your health and your wealth.

I'm really everyone's mom. Maybe that's why no one can see me as a woman.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

Oddities.

I feel odd. So much has happened, so much has changed.

Today was both neutral and good.

The good was that I got to see a lot of people I care for.

The neutral is the nothingness. The empty space, static, echo etc.

You made me happy today, expressing a love for me that I doubt you realize you did. I became so flustered. He was so jealous. I think it was a game for you, you respond when I say I love you.

I am upset and confused.

I'm so lost.

I feel both wanted and unwanted.

I feel ugly but beautiful.

I feel lonely.

I'm alone.

I feel like an emotional contradiction.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

A part of what depression does.

Not all people experience depression the same way.

I'm embarrassed to say that I have just finished taking a shower/bath for the 1st time in about 5 months.

My hair was so bad that it took days for me to untangle. My hair is dry and damaged because of the untangling and the chaffing.

My skin is like 3 different colors because of uneven tanning and not being clean and clothes leaving their dye marks on me.

I've been too embarrassed to let anybody really come near me when I was changing.

But at the same time, I didn't care. I didn't care that I was what I was. I didn't want to deal with it, I just wanted to go away. I figured that I was so worthless that there was no point in me even trying. I gave up on so many other things too, not just my hygiene.

One of my favorite things to do was to draw and to sing and I was so discouraged and so down that I stopped. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped really caring about anything. I just laughed it off and let everybody around me see me smile and laugh and be as normal as possible. But when I went home and I was crippled in my bed for hours and hours on end... feeling alone with nobody to even look twice at me for months and even years, what was I supposed to do?

The matted tangles began to weigh tightly on my head and they began to hurt. So I started detangling about a month ago, I broke a lot of combs then I gave up. It took my mother making a lot of comments for me to finally go back and do it. They were not positive comments.

I wasn't taught what proper hygiene was, I just thought that you were supposed to shower every once in a while. I began to notice how everybody else's skin would glow differently how nobody had these weird blackened areas and black spots almost like black heads. But I began to realize that that's just because I don't scrub the hair off my body as often. Or that maybe it's because I wear long sleeve shirts and pants all the time so my skin never gets to breathe. I don't know if they're ingrown hairs but if I try to shave they don't come off anymore.

Taking a shower makes me feel weird. It makes me feel light and fluffy and I don't really see that as a positive thing. I'm so used to being weighed down by everything.

I probably have some kind of scalp disease now too. My mom kept telling me I'm growing mold.

I was tired. I'm still tired. I need an escape somehow.

At the end of the day, I'll be okay... But this is a part of what depression does.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

Red Velvet

I love and hate you. I hate so many things about you that it stresses me out...

You were trying to shove cake in my face.

You keep saying you love me. I don't believe you.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

Why You?

I'll admit I'm attracted to you. But why you? You obviously came out of no where into my life and here we are. I see you every so often. I like quite a few things about you.

My problem is that you probably can't like me or even think twice about me unless it's third party. So I'll silently resign.

I have a weird thing for wanting to learn more about you. I want to get used to you because I want to make this weird attraction / excitement go away.

I also know that I will eventually want more than just to see you. I'll want to touch and tease you. I just want to play so I can learn more about you.

It's rather embarrassing to admit.

I won't pursue you. I won't do it until I know it's returned. Even then, at this state that I'm in... I don't think it would be fair.

Whatever though, I will just continue to gawk at you and the way you walk and how each muscle on your body changes with every movement that you make. It's fascinating in more ways than one. But the question is whether or not you can hold a conversation.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

Apparently this is my aura. And yes it’s true. This is accurate.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

Depression.

This type of depression is exhausting.

I'm beginning to notice so many changes.

I'm beginning to notice just how much I don't have motivation.

I'm beginning to notice how my skin looks different from everyone else is because my depression makes me not do things as normal people do.

I'm beginning to notice how I resolve and received from my goals.

I'm becoming pathetic.

I'm too exhausted to fix it.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

I'm here if you need me

I'm always the type that is there for people. I really will be. I made a friend who I always wanted to be friends with. I discovered things about myself that people have said. I assured her doubts. I like her a lot. I wish she would express to me more that she would want me around. But that's just a wish.

I hope we become great friends, I just know that we will! I always had a feeling that we would be close friends from high school.

I'm glad that I took the chance to really put my foot forward to be her friend.

I can't wait to see what the future holds for us as friends forever?

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

My realization. My depression.

I have realized over the last few days... that I'm really freaking depressed. Haha. I can't laugh and be happy. I feel nothing. I don't wanna do but I do. I'm so tired.

So unbelievably tired.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

I hate your friend.

This one specific friend of yours. You know who he is. He has caused me so much heart ache and trauma. For some reason it's not important enough. I tell you and you brush it off. It's not important. I'm not important. This doesn't help.

[greycloudsandsilverlinings]

I'm right across you.

I can't believe that I'm sitting right across you and you just sit there acting oblivious.

You've known me for so long. You've seen so many different sides of me. How do you not know me? How can you not understand...?

Why do your behaviours make it seem like you are exasperated by my existence or my answers.