grief-honey

[grief-honey]

when my grandma died i was only 8

i became familiar with the stages of grief before i even knew how to properly tie my shoes

i used to convince myself that she wasn’t really dead

images of her breaking out of her mausoleum would come into my mind every day

i imagined her walking down the street, a blanket around her shoulders

shivering from the cold

trying to find her way back home.

i looked for her during every car ride

hoping we might pass her wandering.

we never did.

i’m 23 now,

and i still look for her in older women i see in public

hoping i might see shared features

or the same glasses

maybe a similar voice.

i’ve never found her

but i don’t think i’ll ever stop looking

[grief-honey]

one day you’re fourteen and listening to your favorite song after a hard day.

but that hard day turned into hard years and now at 22 you can’t listen to that song anymore.

it reopens your wounds but feels like the soft hug you needed back then.

it’s a mix of emotions your brain can’t handle, so you listen to the opening chords and press skip, hoping one day you never feel like you did when it was your favorite song again.

[grief-honey]

hate yourself // tv girl

[grief-honey]

seven // taylor swift

[grief-honey]

scott street // phoebe bridgers

[grief-honey]

your dog // soccer mommy

[grief-honey]

right where you left me - taylor swift // new scream - turnover

[grief-honey]

[grief-honey]

heat lightning // mitski

happy laurel hell eve!

[grief-honey]

stop smoking (we love you) x high to death // car seat headrest

[grief-honey]

dealer // lana del rey

[grief-honey]

i want you to love me -fiona apple

[grief-honey]

sometimes i think that i only romanticize my mental illnesses because they’re the only part of me that hasn’t changed. the only thing that stays consistent in my life, the only thing that has stayed no matter how bad things have gotten.

i want to hate it.

i wish being mentally ill felt like my enemy. and sometimes, when things are bad enough, it does, but—

more often than not the weight in my chest feels like home. who am i without it? what will it take to patch over the hole that will be left in its absence?

[grief-honey]

today i thought about the first time i ever experienced body dysmorphia.

i was 4, and my grandma had just bought me a puffer jacket for the winter. it was white and the faux fur on the sleeves and hood had scattered flecks of silver tinsel in it. i looked at it and i loved it, it reminded of me a disney princess.

until i put it on.

i remember that she gave it to me one morning before school, and was urging me to wear it since it would be cold. i did as she said and put it on while looking at myself in the mirror. i remember looking down at my torso and breaking into tears that only worsened when i looked back up to my reflection. my grandma kept asking what was wrong and all i could say was “it makes me look big.”

i look back on that memory, now 21, and wonder where that thought process could have even came from. i was just a kid, barely even out of the toddler stage, and i was already experiencing dysphoric feelings about my body.

i wish that i could tell 4 year old me that was the last time trying on clothes ever made us cry. i wish i could tell her that the feeling she had while trying on that jacket was the last time she ever felt it. i wish i could tell her that we didn’t feel that way every day, all the time, all these years later

[grief-honey]

Faith // The Weeknd, Losing My Religion // R.E.M

[grief-honey]

envelopes from the found grocery list collection

[grief-honey]

G.I.N.A.S.F.S // Fall Out Boy