grimhearted

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

You are the one sinks ships between two people. As they drown under the water in a bathtub filled with swollen eyes and repressed hearts. I no longer can be what she needs, that much has weighed heavily in me. With no plans of escape or times where we progress, so easily do we find ourselves stuck deeply in the same place. Her eyes my eyes locked into this dance of who can stare at the wall faster. Hours of blaming who’s at fault, when the real culprit is always me, not figuring out how to manage the moments that matter most, and fumbling at the ones in between. How deeply scaring is it, to know your pain is now theirs. To know what good feelings felt like, only to realize they took so much more to continue feeling. To you Emily, my love. I’m sorry you met a man like me. Sorry more you sit up wondering how not to break.

- Grimhearted

1.19.2025

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

The paper flowers felt truly like death, in some way to represent the means within that which created me. Fragile tissue with a large outer layer to cover the softest part of all. So damned was I. “I regret this,” she pushed and yelled “I wished I’d have never married you.” Silence surround the roar of the AC as it whined through collapsing vents. Speechless, again and again, soft wells formed like lakes sunken straight into the depths of my souls. Never meant to be a father much less a partner. What can one man do, sit with 5 drinks and 4 regrets. All from the woman who vowed to love hating you.

Grimhearted

10.18.24

[grimhearted]

This Year by The Mountain Goats // Dishes in the Sink by David Showalter

[grimhearted]

To you my love

I’ll always love

You who raised and sewed a life worth living

When my limbs drew black

And my eyes bred sand

You are my love

You are my hope

The charity as grateful.

I live for you and love the life you live.

[grimhearted]

the beautiful transition

the walls were covered with rainbow stickers

and the lights punched through the blinds

and never before had I felt so unsettled

as his tiny eyes looked into mine

what was the right course this time

where was the downward spiral that peaked

across the skin

so ready to fight the steadiness of an already

poorly formulated concept of what

“getting better”

actually meant

nothing right to say

never enough to put into words

just how wrong you really were

while you shovel the pain, the strain

the emptiness

you didn’t want to feel this way

or lose the perfect idea

of what life really meant to you

questions became answers

I became

broken

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

Your hands still turn everything to mud. Growing up didn’t change who you are, just gave it more definition. Now, more empty than ever, you score down another swig of bourbon. That cough has persisted for a week now. The apartment lights never seemed this dim. The cracks on the ceiling, seem to be a testament to the crevasses you created in your own life. Craters of hopeful desires, filled to the brim with the beer and liquor you chose to replace all that desire. It’s hard to land right side up, when the position everyone’s always seen you in, is down.

Grimhearted

12.6.2022

[grimhearted]

10 years time

In 10 years, so many things will have changed. You’ll be 11 and your brother will be 14. You’ll all be so big and a little more independent. Your brother will be figuring out girls, and you’ll be growing up to realize the reality of our lives. Although, it may not be the best right now, I’ll do whatever I can to make it beautiful for you all. 10 years, it’s going to go so fast, and in 10 years more you’ll be figuring it out by yourself. I can’t even imagine, seeing the smallest things here as I lull you to sleep, growing to be so large. I hope you got the strength to take the challenges of this world. You’ll probably be so big, enough to take on this already broken body I have. Instead, I hope you use that strength to affirm good intentions and love. There isn’t anything I’d rather do more, than to stay here, in our small apartment, together, with the both of you. Never growing, never leaving, always yelling my name with faces of despair when I can’t find the right shoes to fit your growing toes. I love you boys. I always will.

Grimhearted

11/6/2022

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

All at once, the buzzing of atoms inside me reverberated from my spine through right down to the heel. It was some jolt of lightning blitz the deepest part of you. I had just woken up in the backseat of some car I didn’t know. Someone had spewed their guts in the mat, and I thought I knew who it might be. The sun wasn’t out yet, and the street lights were still going strong with a gentle hum. It hadn’t been that long I guess. I looked around and the house in front of me had music going and the chatter of humans echoing closely through the the empty lot next door. I got up to the porch and peered inside only to have a man walk outside from the entrance. “Shit Chris, how’re you feeling?”

“I need a beer.”

“I think you had a ton already man,” he said with a smirk, “besides Jens in the back all pissed because you said you’d take her with you tonight and you just ended up getting shitfaced outside.”

“Whose Jen?” I asked, half distracted by the cooler of beer I saw sitting inside through the window.

“MY SISTER? JENNY? You know the girl you were all goo goo eyes with and telling her all those things and what not?” At this point I could tell he was become upset with me. “You know what maybe it’s better if you just..”

“Chris?” A young girl in a nice white dress came outside, “You’re awake!! Good now we can get back to the party.” She came up to me and embraced me tightly and kissed me in the check, all the while smiling at the fact that we’d be picking up where we’d left off from earlier.

“Jen, he was just leaving, he got to drunk earlier and had to sleep it off for a bit so I put him in my car, but he says he doesn’t feel well even after napping.”

Jens face seemed a little disheartened, “Is that true? are you not feeling ok? if you want you can sleep it off in my room.”

“WHAT! Jen!? This loser isn’t staying in my house.

Jen spun around and hit right in her brothers face, “Shut the fuck up Stephen, it my house too, and I can shut this shit down whenever I want to, or did you forget who bought all the booze for your little party tonight?” Stephens face went from anger you shame in almost an instant “Now get inside and leave us alone.” She turned back to be and grabbed my hand, “you ok though?”

“Yeah, just need another beer and I’ll be straight.” I said grabbing her hand.

“Oh, let’s get inside, there’s plenty”

She grabbed me and pulled me inside and after a few more rounds, I was back where I started. Only this time there was a soft bed and a softer body. The room smelt like expensive perfume, and the sheets were silk and kind. The next morning I woke up, I didn’t find Jen in the bed with me. I stumbled to my feet and put in my clothes and shoes and hurried out the door. As I pushed out of the room, I heard dishing sounds of pots being shifted, while the aroma of bacon and eggs wafted through the air.

“Hey Chris!” Jens head popped from the kitchen, “I’m making some breakfast, you want some?”

I hadn’t eaten a decent meal in weeks, and the air only made my stomach lurch forward for whatever it was she had frying.

“Sure.” I said

She fixed me a healing plate and something small for herself and I filled myself with the eggs, bacon, pancakes and coffee. Nothing seemed to be so good at the time. The eggs cooked perfectly, the bacon ever so chewy. All the while, from across the table, Jen had her head resting in her hands, elbow propped on the table. There was still so much innocence to her, a lively figure who just didn’t seem to fit in to my normal crowd. After I was done I chugged the coffee down and started to get up.

“I’ll see you again right?” Jen asked “maybe we can catch a movie or something?”

“I don’t particularly like movie.” I said as I looked through my pockets for a cigarette.

“Oh, well Uh, you have my number. Im sure can figure something out and get together soon.” she said

“Yeah, you have a cigarette?” I asked

“No, I don’t smoke…”

“Alright, I gotta get going, we’ll talk soon.” I tried to walk off, but she gave me a quick hug and smile. There it was again, that innocence. Somehow I think she new I wouldn’t call. As I walked out the door, she probably felt this would be the last time she saw me. As I walked out, I saw Stephen in the back seat with a rag and a bucket. His eyes met mine and like daggers I knew he wished to run one right through my heart.

“Hey Stephen, you got a cigarette?”

“Fuck you chris! Get the fuck out of here before I beat your ass.”

Worth a shot, I guess. I walked over to the nearest gas station, pulled out a 5 and got a pack of cigarettes. Packed it, pulled one out and lit it right next to the pump. I lived closer to death. Closer to life. I watched the sun come up to many times. Life was strange.

-Grimhearted

(8.21.2022)

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

less weight in sadder hearts

nothing beat the shadows already living there

but peace resembled pain

the length of time alone

mail stacked in a box

but the pen never stopped writing

the streetlights always flickered

the noise always dulled around 2:00 am

always returning in its ferocious display

life never got easier

just a little more bearable

that may be fine too.

Grimhearted

(8.30.22)

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

All at once, the buzzing of atoms inside me reverberated from my spine through right down to the heel. It was some jolt of lightning blitz the deepest part of you. I had just woken up in the backseat of some car I didn’t know. Someone had spewed their guts in the mat, and I thought I knew who it might be. The sun wasn’t out yet, and the street lights were still going strong with a gentle hum. It hadn’t been that long I guess. I looked around and the house in front of me had music going and the chatter of humans echoing closely through the the empty lot next door. I got up to the porch and peered inside only to have a man walk outside from the entrance. “Shit Chris, how’re you feeling?”

“I need a beer.”

“I think you had a ton already man,” he said with a smirk, “besides Jens in the back all pissed because you said you’d take her with you tonight and you just ended up getting shitfaced outside.”

“Whose Jen?” I asked, half distracted by the cooler of beer I saw sitting inside through the window.

“MY SISTER? JENNY? You know the girl you were all goo goo eyes with and telling her all those things and what not?” At this point I could tell he was become upset with me. “You know what maybe it’s better if you just..”

“Chris?” A young girl in a nice white dress came outside, “You’re awake!! Good now we can get back to the party.” She came up to me and embraced me tightly and kissed me in the check, all the while smiling at the fact that we’d be picking up where we’d left off from earlier.

“Jen, he was just leaving, he got to drunk earlier and had to sleep it off for a bit so I put him in my car, but he says he doesn’t feel well even after napping.”

Jens face seemed a little disheartened, “Is that true? are you not feeling ok? if you want you can sleep it off in my room.”

“WHAT! Jen!? This loser isn’t staying in my house.

Jen spun around and hit right in her brothers face, “Shut the fuck up Stephen, it my house too, and I can shut this shit down whenever I want to, or did you forget who bought all the booze for your little party tonight?” Stephens face went from anger you shame in almost an instant “Now get inside and leave us alone.” She turned back to be and grabbed my hand, “you ok though?”

“Yeah, just need another beer and I’ll be straight.” I said grabbing her hand.

“Oh, let’s get inside, there’s plenty”

She grabbed me and pulled me inside and after a few more rounds, I was back where I started. Only this time there was a soft bed and a softer body. The room smelt like expensive perfume, and the sheets were silk and kind. The next morning I woke up, I didn’t find Jen in the bed with me. I stumbled to my feet and put in my clothes and shoes and hurried out the door. As I pushed out of the room, I heard dishing sounds of pots being shifted, while the aroma of bacon and eggs wafted through the air.

“Hey Chris!” Jens head popped from the kitchen, “I’m making some breakfast, you want some?”

I hadn’t eaten a decent meal in weeks, and the air only made my stomach lurch forward for whatever it was she had frying.

“Sure.” I said

She fixed me a healing plate and something small for herself and I filled myself with the eggs, bacon, pancakes and coffee. Nothing seemed to be so good at the time. The eggs cooked perfectly, the bacon ever so chewy. All the while, from across the table, Jen had her head resting in her hands, elbow propped on the table. There was still so much innocence to her, a lively figure who just didn’t seem to fit in to my normal crowd. After I was done I chugged the coffee down and started to get up.

“I’ll see you again right?” Jen asked “maybe we can catch a movie or something?”

“I don’t particularly like movie.” I said as I looked through my pockets for a cigarette.

“Oh, well Uh, you have my number. Im sure can figure something out and get together soon.” she said

“Yeah, you have a cigarette?” I asked

“No, I don’t smoke…”

“Alright, I gotta get going, we’ll talk soon.” I tried to walk off, but she gave me a quick hug and smile. There it was again, that innocence. Somehow I think she new I wouldn’t call. As I walked out the door, she probably felt this would be the last time she saw me. As I walked out, I saw Stephen in the back seat with a rag and a bucket. His eyes met mine and like daggers I knew he wished to run one right through my heart.

“Hey Stephen, you got a cigarette?”

“Fuck you chris! Get the fuck out of here before I beat your ass.”

Worth a shot, I guess. I walked over to the nearest gas station, pulled out a 5 and got a pack of cigarettes. Packed it, pulled one out and lit it right next to the pump. I lived closer to death. Closer to life. I watched the sun come up to many times. Life was strange.

-Grimhearted

(8.21.2022)

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

you gave up most of your life for it, right? half cocked, in a fit of rage, pants down, not knowing where the fuck you came from. the room was hotter in the summer and deadly in the winter, but you preferred the summer because you could let your balls hang out and drape over the sofa cushions. the mentality of a drain, taking it all in, all this shit and piss any one man could dissolve from the depths of his kidneys. there shouldn’t be any subtlety in poetry, keep it straight, like whiskey.

-Grimhearted

(08.19.2022)

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

Passion

between a thousand pages

with a bookmark

so worn,

so many pages behind its back

stories upon stories

legs aching at the next step up

it use to be easy

turning to the next page

moving the chapter forward

and now

the tale still continues

only the the beginning pages

already read

seem thicker

than the ones to follow.

-Grimhearted

(8.18.2021)

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

in then out

the crunch of leaves below the soul

the miles make the journey

who know what’s there

living in you

in then out

the strength of your breath degrades

there is unnerving quiet

the ticks of your wristwatch

can so clearly be heard

this pulsating sensation

erupting at the tips of you figures

sinking to the back of your head

legs heavy

you’ve made this journey far to many times

the walls were always white and gray

you’ve traded them for distance

sometimes that’s all we have left

sometimes the miles feel easier

than the steps we didn’t take

they were there

locked behind some door

you just refused to find the key

two tones and two sips later

head speckled across the pavement

dim

so dim

disgust is now

the object of permanence

you wear it proudly across your face

living by ratios

divided by the percentage

death so accurate

your picture framed in every mural

all to represent what could have been

like every other tuesday.

(8.9.2022)

- Grimhearted

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

most days

it was wondering where it all went

filled to little at a time when it counted

or to much at once, when it wasn’t necessary

you lost jobs you hated

sold your blood for a six pack

and the buses seemed to run late just for you

even though you never wanted to go anywhere

what an existence

what a plan

a sunrise so delicate

it almost felt welcoming

until the heat settled

like a plague

like ringworm

like a tooth you couldn’t afford to fix

what a plan

what an existence.

(8.6.2022)

-grimhearted

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

I think the world

just didn’t have any luck to spare

it ran out dry a couple years back

it didn’t give me anything more

than a few sprinkles here and there

before, nothing ever came

just had to beat it

till I new it was dry

drier than eyes

so desperate to wake up

to go to shitty jobs

dealing with shitty people

their lives so caught up

in their own wasteful design

but I had kids to feed

responsibilities to be met

luck didn’t give its best to me

I’d have to make it on my own

not enough to be given

so much more I couldn’t give

so much more I wish I had.

-grimhearted

(08.05.2022)

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

Thanks

for being the ones who wouldn’t give up

for straining your eyes

under piles of paper

scribbled with letters barely legible

for the nights in factories

loading boxes twice your weight

breaking your spine

while the body bled

and your form misshaped 

Thanks

for fighting the cancer in your body

for the endless roads you crossed

to get back home

you’ve always been that rock

that stands to make more sense

Thanks

for those endless pick ups

for those payouts to have me settled

Thanks

for giving life

after death

for the food that warmed my soul

for the birthdays that always came

and the bed so readily available

what options were given

were far more

than any man deserves

Thanks

for the tears

the laughs

the hugs

the smiles

and even the frustration

all those things

which made living

just a tad more bearable

Thanks

for living

-grimhearted

(9.15.2021)

[grimhearted]

Notes of a Drunken Young Soul

with things left how they were

I probably wouldn’t have made it very far

not to quick on the jump

two many fingers

to stupid to grab every opportunity

but sitting here now

a mountain of laundry unfolded

a dim room

while she nurses one

the other content with a eye full of shine

i wonder

did I finally make it?

Was this what it all led too?

because if it is

I’d take no money to buy diapers

over no money for liquor

stars, i guess

never looked so good at 3 am

but then again

never have i

-grimhearted

9.12.2021