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Mexicana Chicken | Guanlin

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Mexicana Chicken | Guanlin

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his life experience as an advice

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Beautiful - Chapter 1

Beautiful (Wanna One’s Guan Lin)

If I could freeze time right here in this moment, I would.

Right here, with your hand in mine, that bright look on your face, and the stars above our heads, I couldn’t ask for anything else. You, with your unkempt hair, your bold, brown eyes, and that dumb, gummy smile—This was all I wanted. This was everything I never thought I’d need.

“Beautiful, right?”

“Yes.”

I smiled. You squeezed my hand tighter in your grasp and I reveled in its warmth.

Please let me keep this forever.

Of course, that was nothing but the plight of my subconscious in deep slumber. I rouse myself from sleep at the sound of a shrill ringing. With a sigh, I reach for my phone to turn my alarm off. I blink my eyes open to the dawn of a new day.

Why are you still in my head?

As soon as I shake off the feelings of drowsiness, this question and the dream begin to dissipate. The face, the smile, and the warmth are soon tucked away in the shadows of my reverie, only to come back again when I’m tucked away at night. Unwillingly, shards of memories have somehow persisted all throughout these years, still piercing through the veil of my imagination. My subconscious still remembers to put together pieces of a puzzle to form the identity of someone familiar, despite not having any contact for a long, long time.

Why are you still in my head?

The ghost of this question lingers on for a couple more before it finally vanishes. At least, temporarily. For now, it was time to get up and get ready for work.

My morning routine began with a cold shower and ended with a hot cup of cappuccino. At the end of it, I managed to look like any other young professional walking the streets of Seoul at 8 in the morning. Before the clock strikes 9, I’m promptly at my desk with my laptop open, and if it’s a busy day, my second cup of coffee at the side. When you’re working hard, time flies by in a breeze, and because I like to pretend that I am, let’s also pretend that 9 to 5 flew by in a breeze. Soon enough, I would be back in my apartment by 6, eating dinner by 7, and retiring to bed by 9. This was my calculated schedule every single day. It had only been a couple of months out of university, but I would like to think that I had things under control. Maybe my social life needed some boosting and maybe I could do with some dating, but aside from that, I was doing alright.

I was doing alright.

My best friend didn’t seem to think so.

“I’ve got another blind date for you.” she said with sly look on her face.

I shook my head with a smile. Every weekend we’d go to our usual coffee shop, sip our usual drinks, and inevitably, discuss my nonexistent love life.  Another weekend, another prospect for a blind date.

“Who is it this time?”

“Oh no. I’m not going to tell you anything. I told you about Ong Seongwoo, Kang Daniel, and Hwang Minhyun before, and you opted out before you could even say yes. I’m not going to hear, “Oh Ong Seongwoo seems too talkative, Kang Daniel seems too cool, Hwang Minhyun seems like too much of a perfectionist.” “ she said, all with flailing hand gestures.

“You’re dating Minhyun now though.” I said, giving her a teasing smile.

“Yes, thank you for that.” she replied, laughing. “But I’m still keeping mum about this one. I’m not going to tell you his name. I’m not going to give you a chance to run away again.”

“You know me so well.” I said, laughing.

“Yes I do.” she scoffed.

“But I’m in no rush. You know that too.”

“You’ve been telling me that since the first time we met. It’s been 4 years, Hana. We’ve graduated. Try to change things up a little.”

I sighed. Ara and I have known each other since college. Throughout it all, not once did she find me in a relationship. I would date every now and then, but the guy would never leave a good enough impression for me to say yes to a 2nd date. She, on the other hand, had the fearlessness to risk it all from relationship to relationship. Sometimes I envied that, but not in times when I ended up being her shoulder to cry on. I’ve been through that once personally and it was unbearable. I didn’t want to even think of the possibility of going through it again.

This time though, I’ll oblige. It was just a date after all.

“Fine. I’ll make it to this one. When is it?”

Ara’s face immediately lit up, “Tonight.”

“What? So soon?”

She smiled.

“You told this guy I’d go even without my permission, didn’t you?”

“I’m done playing Mr. Nice Guy, and you already agreed. There’s no going back now. I have it on record,” she said, picking up her phone from the table. “You have nothing on me.”

I was shocked, but I had no other choice than to accept the situation thrown at me.

“How am I supposed to find him if I don’t even know his name?”

Ara toggled with her phone, “I’m sending you his number right now. He already has yours. I’ll text you later when and where you’ll meet.”

Again, I didn’t bother to be surprised, “That still doesn’t answer my question.”

“You’ll both figure it out, don’t worry.”

“He doesn’t know my name either?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Exciting, isn’t it?”

“You’re really lucky I call you my best friend. If this were anyone else, I’d be out of that door in no time.” I said pointing to the coffee shop’s exit.

“You’ll thank me for this someday, Hana.”

“We’ll see.”

Unwillingly, I went back to my apartment to get ready for the date. She insisted on coming with me to help me prepare, but really, it was more like to make sure I wouldn’t devise an exit strategy.  I reassured her and told her she didn’t have to. After all, I felt more at ease preparing for these things on my own with no dissenting opinions to be swayed by.

As I was finishing up the final touches for my makeup, I received a text from Ara.

The King Crab, 7 PM. Don’t be late! Fighting! <3

I stared at the text, wide-eyed. The King Crab, really? This boy better be prepared to take the bill because I wasn’t willing to shell out that much for one night. The King Crab was considered one of the top-rated restaurants in the city, therefore it was also one of the most expensive. My expectations were rising. He either had genuine class or he just really wanted to show off.

Given this development, I picked a dress that I thought would suit the venue. You can never go wrong in a little black dress and nude heels; elegant without trying too hard. With my clutch in one hand, I walked out of the door and into the night.

The place was about half an hour away from my apartment;  I was able to get there a quarter before 7. Throughout the whole ride, I was worrying about how I would contact him. I was hoping he would message me first because it was such a pain to initiate the conversation. Luckily, his text came right at the moment I stepped out of the car.

Hello. I’m sorry, I might be a couple of minutes late. Please ask for table number 7. I apologize again.

Alright, no problem. I’m already here. Please be safe on the road.

Based on his text, he seemed respectful enough. I went to the receptionist and asked for table number 7, just as he said. She directed me to one of the two-seaters by the window. It was in one of the less crowded areas of the restaurant and it provided a good view of the garden and fountain outside. For a blind date, this guy put in a lot of effort, I thought. It must’ve been hard to reserve this particular spot. My expectations were creeping one step higher.

As soon as I sat down, the waiter filled up our glasses with water and brought a basket of garlic bread. While I waited, I took my phone out. I didn’t think it was proper to browse the menu while my companion was not yet here. Engrossed in the ebook I was reading, I didn’t notice that my glass was already almost empty. I raised my hand to signal the waiter nearby. As soon as I looked up, I wish I hadn’t. What I saw made me want to sink deep into the floor.

What was he doing here?

He caught sight of my raised hand through his glasses. He smiled at me and started to walk towards my direction. I brought my hand back down on the table. It was shaking.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” he greeted as soon as he reached me.

“I’m sorry, I’m supposed to meet someone.” I blurted out, not quite processing what he just said. My eyes were still stuck on the table, unable to look up at his direction.

“Table number 7, right? I was the one who reserved it for us.”

For us? What kind of atrocity was he saying?

He gently pulled the chair across from mine and sat down. I didn’t have any choice but to look at him. In front of me was the face of a man I hadn’t seen in half a decade. This was the face that I had long buried away, but still surprisingly persisted in random thoughts, at random times, and in vivid dreams.

Guan Lin.

“It’s been a while. This might be a shock to you, I’m sorry,” he said, flashing an earnest smile. I’d almost forgotten that he had a dimple on his left cheek. “You look beautiful, as I knew you would.”

I had not said a single word. My mind was going completely blank. I just knew that my hands were cold and trembling. The familiarity that came with seeing him again was inevitably accompanied by pain. I felt something else wash over me. More than the pain, this was more like a flame.

It was the seething kind.

When I finally spoke, I was surprised at the audacity of my words.

“You’re the person I’m supposed to meet? Wow, this must be some cruel joke.”

The disdain and disappointment in my tone came out more strongly than I thought.

“I’m sorry, I know this was uncalled for but—”

“No, I’m sorry. I can’t sit through this,” I said, cutting him off, the contempt evident. “If you knew it was uncalled for, why did you do it?”

He was speechless.

“I’m leaving.”

I didn’t have time to take in the harshness of my tone and the shock that flashed across his face. I didn’t really care either. I got up from my chair, turned on my heel, and started towards the door. Without looking back, I walked out and hailed a cab home.

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Perfect

Perfect (Wanna One’s Seongwoo)

“I like you. I really really like you.”

I felt his warm breath close to my ear as he whispered those words. Suddenly, my heart was one with the fast, upbeat rhythm of the music around us. Feeling a surprising wave of tenacity, I faced him. In that split second of a moment, the light found his face.

Such dark eyes.

Such dark beautiful eyes.

In a swift movement, he twirled me around and caught me in an embrace. His hand crept close to my waist and I let it linger there.  The tip of his nose scoped the crook of my neck and I shivered. His mouth was a slur of sweet nothings; his lips were so close that they grazed the side of my face.

“Seongwoo. The name’s Ong Seongwoo. What’s yours?”

Ong? That was a funny name. But I was too busy enamored by the constellation on his cheek to be humored for long.

Wasn’t it just a while ago that he said that?

Wasn’t it just a while ago that I said yes when he asked for a dance?

Wasn’t it just a while ago that he took my hand and I let mine be trapped in his?

I no longer wondered how quickly I found myself in the arms of such a perfect stranger.

Everyone in the room was controlled by the powerful hand of the beat; everyone spoke the language that we knew as dance. Seongwoo and I—We were seized in a winding waltz that was purely ours.

Everything around us was blinding and bright.

Everything inside me was aflame.

Forever.

If I could only frame my own little piece of forever, this would be it.

With him.

My perfect stranger.

Ong Seongwoo.

Time is of the essence and I hated it. A rush of emotion, a dash of love, a streak of desire; we had everything.

But the truth was, we only had tonight. We did not have time. At least, not enough.

As soon as the clock struck twelve, this would all be lost in the oblivion of lost nights. As soon as the alcohol ceased tugging at the edges of our unkempt minds, as soon as this room emptied, my fairy tale would be over.

I was Cinderella without a glass slipper.

Without a prince to look forward to.

Without a happy ending.

“You seem lost.”

Seongwoo stole me from my prison of thoughts; he was good at that.

He smiled the smile that brought me here in the first place. I smiled back.

“How sensitive of you to notice.”

I surprised myself with the fluid nonchalance of my own voice.

He took both of my hands and placed it on his shoulders. We were entangled in what looked like a hug, but not quite. It was then that I noticed the mellow change in the song playing, as well as in the mood; it was a slow dance.

“You’re pretty hard to miss.”

How could someone whisper with such smoldering sweetness?

He swayed me with the smoothness of a pro. He stirred me in a conversation with the words of a poet. He held me with the tenderness of a lover.

I wanted to stay there for an eternity.

“You’re something special, Ong Seongwoo.” I uttered, unaware that I had begun to.

If one could find sincerity in a smirk, then I definitely found some in his.

“You’re lovely.”

For the first time that night, our lips met each other. The rapidity of movement and the intensity of feeling made the complexity of the moment exhilarating for the both of us. It was the heat of summer, the colors of autumn, the wonders of winter and the innocence of spring all at the same time. The abruptness of a whirlwind, the havoc of a storm and the tremors of an earthquake were nothing compared to what my heart radiated.

That was what it felt like to kiss Seongwoo.  

He drew away just so he could lock my gaze in his. I tried to speak, but speech failed me.

I hated him.

I hated him right now.

He was making it way too hard. He was being unfair. He was making it too obvious who was the one to be forgotten and the one who cannot forget by the end of the evening.

I hated him.

I wanted to slap him for doing this to me.

I wanted to push every piece of him away.

Yet I could not.

Because I had fallen in love with a perfect stranger.

Over a drink, over a dance, over a night, I had fallen in love with Seongwoo.

Dread spread over me like wildfire. This cannot happen. In this place, nothing was ever serious, nothing was ever real.

Nothing could be.

Just as this realization dawned on me, he grazed his lips across mine once more.

“I don’t think I can let you go that easily.”

Seongwoo hugged me at a more intimate distance; closer, nearer, warmer. I sighed, letting myself go.

Inevitable and inexplicable; I did not know everything, but what I did know was that it could not be helped.

I laid my ear on his chest, where his heart laid.

Where the sound of the music was louder than ever.

Where the rhythm was as loud as mine.

Where something real was brewing.

Something real.

The perplexity of the future did not matter. The present was perfectly fine with this perfect stranger.

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Beautiful - Chapter 2

Beautiful (Wanna One’s Guan Lin)

What just happened?

I pinched myself, making sure that this wasn’t just another dream. I just saw Guan Lin in the flesh. For the past 5 years, the thought of him was nothing more than just that; a thought. Not once did I consider that I would ever see him again.

On the car ride home, my feelings were battling with each other. One side rejoiced in success, the other cowered in regret. To utter those words to someone that caused me so much pain was a joy, but at the same time, I wondered if that was the right way to handle the situation.

What would have happened if I didn’t storm out like that?

I replayed it in my head.

“It’s been a while. This might be a shock to you, I’m sorry,” he said, flashing an earnest smile. I’d almost forgotten that he had a dimple on his left cheek.

“You look beautiful, as I knew you would.”

I had not said a single word. My mind was going completely blank. I just knew that my hands were cold and trembling. The familiarity that came with seeing him again was inevitably accompanied by pain. I felt something else wash over me. More than the pain, this was more like a flame.

It was the vibrant kind.

When I finally spoke, I was surprised at the warmth in my words.

“You’re the person I’m supposed to meet? What a pleasant surprise.”

“Really? I was afraid you’d take it some other way. I’m glad that you’re pleased,” he beamed. “It’s been a while, Hana.”

“It’s been a while, Guan Lin,” I said, smiling back at him. “How long has it been? 5 years?”

“Yes, 5 long years. It’s been alright. I just finished my business degree last year. Did you also push through with business?”

“Yes, I did. We graduated at the same time too. What brings you back to Korea?”

At this, my imagination ceases. I didn’t want to think of the answer. I knew that a small part of me wanted to hear a very specific response. I pushed it down hard, desperately; I failed, miserably.

You.

It’s been 5 years; 5 long, full years. I should be over this person. He caused me nothing but pain during a time that I should’ve been enjoying my life. I still resented him a little for that. I remember falling into a recluse from my classmates right after our high school graduation. While everyone was celebrating and enjoying their vacation, I stayed in my room, clad in pajamas and cocooned in sheets, crying over a broken heart. I couldn’t be excited about college because I was too busy nursing the ache in my chest. It was so difficult to be happy about anything. I ate, I drank, I breathed just because I needed to. There was nearly no life in me. Somehow, I managed to bear the weight with me enough to step out of the shadows and into my first day as a college student. Somehow, I managed to numb the pain all these years. Maybe I was too young to really know how to properly process grief, and because I didn’t, here it was, alive and well and back. And it brought along its siblings, anger and regret.

As the car pulled up to the driveway of my apartment, I resolved it with myself that what I did was indeed the right thing to do.

“So how was the date?”

These were the first words that came out of Ara’s mouth as soon a she stepped into my apartment. She walked in excitedly a spring in her step.

I closed the door behind her, avoiding eye contact. I proceeded straight into the living room and took a seat on the sofa.

“I wouldn’t know. I left him there.”

I could hear a pin drop once I uttered those words. The night before, my phone was full of unanswered messages and phone calls, all from her.

“Can you tell me why?” she asked. I couldn’t figure out yet if she was scolding me or just plain curious.

“I had no other choice.”

“What?”

It sounded a lot like she was scolding me.

“What do you mean you had no other choice?” she reiterated, sitting beside me.

It was still early in the morning and I didn’t really feel like being interrogated. Rather than beat around the bush, I just answered her point blank.

“We were together. He’s my ex.”

Ara paused for a moment, “He who must not be named? That ex?”

I nodded, “Where did you even find him?”

“He’s in the same company as Minhyun,” she said, her voice taking on a more sympathetic tone. “You weren’t supposed to know, but he was the one who requested to meet you. I just assumed he saw one of our pictures and thought you were pretty. I didn’t know he’d turn out to be THE ex.”

I faced her, “It’s not your fault. You had no idea.”

“Now that I think about it, your ex is still a complete mystery to me. You just mentioned his existence in passing. I never got the full story.”

“I never talked about about him to anyone.” I said, resting my head.

I heard her jaw drop open right before she smacked my shoulder.

“No wonder you’re still bitter! You kept your feelings all to yourself!”

Although I was surprised at the pain of the impact and the truth of her words, I could only close my eyes. She was right. I did bear all the weight on my own. I didn’t talk about our breakup to anyone. At that time, it was probably too painful for me to admit what happened. At that time, it was easier to suffer in silence and act like everything was fine. At that time, it seemed like the less painful route to pretend like I hadn’t just been destroyed. Heartbreak was nothing to be ashamed of, but somehow, it was something I could never articulate.

“What the heck happened between the two of you?”

I looked at her, contemplating whether it was time to let the skeletons out of the closet.

“I don’t really know where to start.”

Ara sensed my reluctance. She drew both her hands to her chin, as if thinking hard about something.

“You like writing, don’t you? Why don’t we do it like one of your stories?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do it by chapter: how you met, how you became a couple, how you broke up, whatever. Everything you suppressed in the past, let them out now. Start from the very beginning.”

I surveyed her idea. It’s funny how I’m doing the post-processing 5 years later. I couldn’t really do this with anyone before. Guan Lin wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was also my best friend. I didn’t have anyone like Ara back in those days. When I entered university, I was determined to assume a different identity. I distanced myself from everything in high school. I didn’t keep in touch with my classmates nor did I ever visit the school. I didn’t want to give them any opportunity to ask me about him. I had no one at all to console me; I consoled myself by hiding it all away. This seemed too long overdue, but it was better late than never.

“Alright. I’ll tell you everything.”

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panwink feels ;-;

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180329 // guanlin

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Beautiful - Chapter 1

Beautiful (Wanna One’s Guan Lin)

If I could freeze time right here in this moment, I would.

Right here, with your hand in mine, that bright look on your face, and the stars above our heads, I couldn’t ask for anything else. You, with your unkempt hair, your bold, brown eyes, and that dumb, gummy smile—This was all I wanted. This was everything I never thought I’d need.

“Beautiful, right?”

“Yes.”

I smiled. You squeezed my hand tighter in your grasp and I reveled in its warmth.

Please let me keep this forever.

Of course, that was nothing but the plight of my subconscious in deep slumber. I rouse myself from sleep at the sound of a shrill ringing. With a sigh, I reach for my phone to turn my alarm off. I blink my eyes open to the dawn of a new day.

Why are you still in my head?

As soon as I shake off the feelings of drowsiness, this question and the dream begin to dissipate. The face, the smile, and the warmth are soon tucked away in the shadows of my reverie, only to come back again when I’m tucked away at night. Unwillingly, shards of memories have somehow persisted all throughout these years, still piercing through the veil of my imagination. My subconscious still remembers to put together pieces of a puzzle to form the identity of someone familiar, despite not having any contact for a long, long time.

Why are you still in my head?

The ghost of this question lingers on for a couple more before it finally vanishes. At least, temporarily. For now, it was time to get up and get ready for work.

My morning routine began with a cold shower and ended with a hot cup of cappuccino. At the end of it, I managed to look like any other young professional walking the streets of Seoul at 8 in the morning. Before the clock strikes 9, I’m promptly at my desk with my laptop open, and if it’s a busy day, my second cup of coffee at the side. When you’re working hard, time flies by in a breeze, and because I like to pretend that I am, let’s also pretend that 9 to 5 flew by in a breeze. Soon enough, I would be back in my apartment by 6, eating dinner by 7, and retiring to bed by 9. This was my calculated schedule every single day. It had only been a couple of months out of university, but I would like to think that I had things under control. Maybe my social life needed some boosting and maybe I could do with some dating, but aside from that, I was doing alright.

I was doing alright.

My best friend didn’t seem to think so.

“I’ve got another blind date for you.” she said with sly look on her face.

I shook my head with a smile. Every weekend we’d go to our usual coffee shop, sip our usual drinks, and inevitably, discuss my nonexistent love life.  Another weekend, another prospect for a blind date.

“Who is it this time?”

“Oh no. I’m not going to tell you anything. I told you about Ong Seongwoo, Kang Daniel, and Hwang Minhyun before, and you opted out before you could even say yes. I’m not going to hear, “Oh Ong Seongwoo seems too talkative, Kang Daniel seems too cool, Hwang Minhyun seems like too much of a perfectionist.” “ she said, all with flailing hand gestures.

“You’re dating Minhyun now though.” I said, giving her a teasing smile.

“Yes, thank you for that.” she replied, laughing. “But I’m still keeping mum about this one. I’m not going to tell you his name. I’m not going to give you a chance to run away again.”

“You know me so well.” I said, laughing.

“Yes I do.” she scoffed.

“But I’m in no rush. You know that too.”

“You’ve been telling me that since the first time we met. It’s been 4 years, Hana. We’ve graduated. Try to change things up a little.”

I sighed. Ara and I have known each other since college. Throughout it all, not once did she find me in a relationship. I would date every now and then, but the guy would never leave a good enough impression for me to say yes to a 2nd date. She, on the other hand, had the fearlessness to risk it all from relationship to relationship. Sometimes I envied that, but not in times when I ended up being her shoulder to cry on. I’ve been through that once personally and it was unbearable. I didn’t want to even think of the possibility of going through it again.

This time though, I’ll oblige. It was just a date after all.

“Fine. I’ll make it to this one. When is it?”

Ara’s face immediately lit up, “Tonight.”

“What? So soon?”

She smiled.

“You told this guy I’d go even without my permission, didn’t you?”

“I’m done playing Mr. Nice Guy, and you already agreed. There’s no going back now. I have it on record,” she said, picking up her phone from the table. “You have nothing on me.”

I was shocked, but I had no other choice than to accept the situation thrown at me.

“How am I supposed to find him if I don’t even know his name?”

Ara toggled with her phone, “I’m sending you his number right now. He already has yours. I’ll text you later when and where you’ll meet.”

Again, I didn’t bother to be surprised, “That still doesn’t answer my question.”

“You’ll both figure it out, don’t worry.”

“He doesn’t know my name either?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Exciting, isn’t it?”

“You’re really lucky I call you my best friend. If this were anyone else, I’d be out of that door in no time.” I said pointing to the coffee shop’s exit.

“You’ll thank me for this someday, Hana.”

“We’ll see.”

Unwillingly, I went back to my apartment to get ready for the date. She insisted on coming with me to help me prepare, but really, it was more like to make sure I wouldn’t devise an exit strategy.  I reassured her and told her she didn’t have to. After all, I felt more at ease preparing for these things on my own with no dissenting opinions to be swayed by.

As I was finishing up the final touches for my makeup, I received a text from Ara.

The King Crab, 7 PM. Don’t be late! Fighting! <3

I stared at the text, wide-eyed. The King Crab, really? This boy better be prepared to take the bill because I wasn’t willing to shell out that much for one night. The King Crab was considered one of the top-rated restaurants in the city, therefore it was also one of the most expensive. My expectations were rising. He either had genuine class or he just really wanted to show off.

Given this development, I picked a dress that I thought would suit the venue. You can never go wrong in a little black dress and nude heels; elegant without trying too hard. With my clutch in one hand, I walked out of the door and into the night.

The place was about half an hour away from my apartment;  I was able to get there a quarter before 7. Throughout the whole ride, I was worrying about how I would contact him. I was hoping he would message me first because it was such a pain to initiate the conversation. Luckily, his text came right at the moment I stepped out of the car.

Hello. I’m sorry, I might be a couple of minutes late. Please ask for table number 7. I apologize again.

Alright, no problem. I’m already here. Please be safe on the road.

Based on his text, he seemed respectful enough. I went to the receptionist and asked for table number 7, just as he said. She directed me to one of the two-seaters by the window. It was in one of the less crowded areas of the restaurant and it provided a good view of the garden and fountain outside. For a blind date, this guy put in a lot of effort, I thought. It must’ve been hard to reserve this particular spot. My expectations were creeping one step higher.

As soon as I sat down, the waiter filled up our glasses with water and brought a basket of garlic bread. While I waited, I took my phone out. I didn’t think it was proper to browse the menu while my companion was not yet here. Engrossed in the ebook I was reading, I didn’t notice that my glass was already almost empty. I raised my hand to signal the waiter nearby. As soon as I looked up, I wish I hadn’t. What I saw made me want to sink deep into the floor.

What was he doing here?

He caught sight of my raised hand through his glasses. He smiled at me and started to walk towards my direction. I brought my hand back down on the table. It was shaking.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” he greeted as soon as he reached me.

“I’m sorry, I’m supposed to meet someone.” I blurted out, not quite processing what he just said. My eyes were still stuck on the table, unable to look up at his direction.

“Table number 7, right? I was the one who reserved it for us.”

For us? What kind of atrocity was he saying?

He gently pulled the chair across from mine and sat down. I didn’t have any choice but to look at him. In front of me was the face of a man I hadn’t seen in half a decade. This was the face that I had long buried away, but still surprisingly persisted in random thoughts, at random times, and in vivid dreams.

Guan Lin.

“It’s been a while. This might be a shock to you, I’m sorry,” he said, flashing an earnest smile. I’d almost forgotten that he had a dimple on his left cheek. “You look beautiful, as I knew you would.”

I had not said a single word. My mind was going completely blank. I just knew that my hands were cold and trembling. The familiarity that came with seeing him again was inevitably accompanied by pain. I felt something else wash over me. More than the pain, this was more like a flame.

It was the seething kind.

When I finally spoke, I was surprised at the audacity of my words.

“You’re the person I’m supposed to meet? Wow, this must be some cruel joke.”

The disdain and disappointment in my tone came out more strongly than I thought.

“I’m sorry, I know this was uncalled for but—”

“No, I’m sorry. I can’t sit through this,” I said, cutting him off, the contempt evident. “If you knew it was uncalled for, why did you do it?”

He was speechless.

“I’m leaving.”

I didn’t have time to take in the harshness of my tone and the shock that flashed across his face. I didn’t really care either. I got up from my chair, turned on my heel, and started towards the door. Without looking back, I walked out and hailed a cab home.