halfthebattle

[halfthebattle]

Hi. Can I kill myself?

Hello, anon!

Please talk to me before you think of doing such. If you are going through depression, I know you can kill yourself (you have a probability of doing it) BUT YOU MAY NOT. Do you get me? Please, let’s talk this out. 

I’ve been contemplating on ending my life, too, but maybe I’m still here to tell you that you don’t have to do it even if you feel like it. Your mind is messing with you. You have to fight back.

Let’s fight together, okay?

Message me using your real account, please!

[halfthebattle]

Hi! Can I ask for suggestion para sa speech ko sa klase? Paano siya magandang simulan bago ako pumunta sa pinaka talumpati? About kabataan po, salamat ng marami! :)

Hello, anon! Sorry for the late reply. :-(( Sorry talaga. Super busy lang talaga ako sa thesis.

So, ito na nga, hindi ko alam kung aabot pa ‘to para sa speech mo sa klase, pero here are some tips:

Whenever I make a speech, I see to it that I know what I really want then I proceed on knowing how to make the flow in order to get what I want. Para hindi ka mahirapan, keep it simple and put in mind na tatlo lang ‘yan: Introduction, Body, and Conclusion. 

About kabataan speech mo, so I guess you can start by talking about kabataan in general then sa body part, saka mo na i-narrow down. Pwede mong ikumapara yung kabataan then sa kabataan now. Pwede ka rin magsimula by introducing or giving citation sa recent studies about the youth nowadays.

Pwede ka rin gumawa ng outline. For example, ang speech mo is about yung habits o pamamaraan ng pag-aaral ngayon ng mga kabataan. This can be your outline:

I. The youth nowadays (I-dedescribe mo sila, maglalahad or mag-eenumerate ka ng facts how they think or do)

II. Recent studies about studying habits -- those that are effective and those that are not so effective

III. Relationship between the youth and the studying habits

IV. Ano ang maisusuggest mo or masasabi mo about all the information you gathered (After all, ang talumpati ay mostly about pagpapahayag at pagpapaalam.)

V. Conclusion (You can also include your recommendation here. Remember: The conclusion should always leave an impact on the audience.)

Basta also keep in mind na kailangan concise and direct to the point ka and yung thoughts mo. Huwag pasikot-sikot. Maging coherent ka rin sa ideas mo. They have to be related and connected with one another. Always re-read and proofread your speech kasi minsan, may mga naooverlook tayo na dangling modifiers, mga clauses na hindi naman fitting sa speech, ganern.

Suggestions ko lang ‘to, ah? Usually, ganito kasi ako magsulat ng essay or speech. When it comes naman sa pagdedeliver, have faith in yourself and believe that you can do it. Practice, practice, practice. Okay lang na kabahan, pero if you know you are well-prepared, then you’ll do just great. :)

Best of luck,

Louise 💖

[halfthebattle]

Why I was gone for 3 months

Hello!

First of all, Happy New Year!! Allow me to begin this blog post by welcoming my new readers. Here’s a hug for all of youuuu. >:D< I am in shock that I still gain followers despite being inactive for the last couple of months. Nevertheless, I am deeply grateful and appreciative for the messages I’ve been receiving from both of my old and new readers. Thank you all so much for the concern. I know my last post was very alarming. It was wrong of me to leave you guys hanging without any explanation. But here I am. I hope you are ready for another life update from me and I also hope that you forgive me for not replying. I promise that I’ll reply, please just give me some more time. I rarely open my Tumblr app, and if I do, I just want to stay quiet for a while.

You see, I just couldn’t bring myself to blog for the last three to four months even though I really wanted to. I guess I was waiting for all the frustrations, anger, and pain to subside a little bit before I could share what happened. When I first started my Tumblog, I wanted it to be platform for my mental condition – you know, how I break down occasionally, how I have depressive and manic episodes so that others will be aware of the life that people who are mentally ill are experiencing. I didn’t want to share too much about anything from my personal life – family life and love life (haha!). But right now, I feel like I need to share some so that you would know why I was gone for months.

I was busy healing, and I am still busy healing now. I just got out of an almost 5-year relationship with my first love last October 27, 2018. I want to share the reason why we broke up, but I don’t want my first ever blog post about him to be so negative so that you guys won’t have an ugly or bad impression on him. For him, the reason of the break-up is “just a big misunderstanding”, but to me, it was so much more than that. After a week or two, I still fought for the relationship, but I guess he just saw how stubborn and hard-headed I was for begging him to talk things out with me. I admit that this is not the first break-up that the two of us had, but damn, if I knew it would be this serious and difficult this time, I would’ve prevented the small break-ups from the past. Kasi sa totoo lang, sisiw lang pala ‘yung mga ‘yun. I think I was so foolish before to say, “Pagod na ako. Ayoko na.” kasi kung tutuusin, looking back ha, mas kaya ko pa pala ‘yung mga ‘yun kaysa sa ngayon. Noon na sinabi kong pagod na ‘ko, na hindi ko na kaya, parang gusto kong i-take back lahat, kasi walang wala pala ‘yung mga ‘yun kumpara sa ngayon. Gusto kong ibalik yung oras para sabihin na, “Hindi, kaya ko pa. Kaya pa natin ‘to eh. Tara, ayusin natin ‘to. Pagsubok lang ‘to.” Pero ayun, tama nga ang sabi nila, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

I couldn’t say that I have no one to blame but me, because in my perspective, he was the one who made the wrong choice or wrong move that led us to the break-up – I was only one of the factors that influenced his choice. I guess it’s safe to say that we both screwed and messed up so bad that we were left with no other choice but to end the relationship. We were already toxic to each other, and we weren’t growing anymore. Maybe, right now, we need some time and space away from each other so that we would be able to find ourselves and be whole again. We need to heal. We need to grow apart so that if ever there will come a time when we’ll get back with each other, we’ve already become matured enough for a serious, committed, loving and responsible relationship.

It took us a lot of twists and turns and hurtful failures to make me realize that I’m still not ready to be in a relationship because I, alone, don’t even know how to love myself. But what bothers me about it is that, even before we became a couple, I already warned him that I am not whole, that I am broken, that I do not like myself and when we were already a couple, he told me that he’d love me enough for the both of us, and that love is still aside from the love he alone has for me. Kumbaga, siya ang magpupunan ng kulang na pagmamahal ko para sa sarili ko at dagdag pa roon yung pagmamahal na mayroon siya para sa akin. We were both young and I believed him back then. But it was wrong. I shouldn’t have relied on to his words. I shouldn’t have relied on to him for a love that I cannot give myself. I shouldn’t have ‘obligated’ him or ‘made him responsible’ for the love that I owe to myself.

Another thing that hurts me is that after the break-up, I felt like I was hard to love, na walang tatagal na relationship sa akin kasi mentally ill ako. It pains me to see myself as someone who’s hard to be with that the thought of it made me want to ready myself for growing old alone. You know, tatandang dalaga. Haha.

After the break-up, I did all sorts of things to distract myself and while I know that blogging must be one of those things, I felt like it would only make me remember about what happened. Don’t get me wrong – I want to write about him because it helps but being finally able to write about him in a long post like this gives me all sorts of emotion that I didn’t want to add up to what I’ve already been feeling.

Last November 03, 2018, it was his first birthday in years that I didn’t get to celebrate with him. I wanted to surprise him, because I’m that type of girl – full of ideas and surprises, but I grew weak already. I thought, “What for?”. That’s why I only wrote him a letter instead. A long one. A twelve-page letter to be specific. I poured my heart out to it, but I feel like there’s so much more to tell him.

We still see each other at church and there was this one time before the year ended that his family invited me over dinner because his mom went home from Saudi. I joined them for dinner, but we were not talking to each other the whole time. His family felt like my second home, but damn, that night, my heart was breaking. Napamahal na ako sa pamilya niya at tinuring ko ng mga kapatid ko mga kapatid niya kaya ang hirap.

This year’s New Year celebration was also the first time in years that we are not together anymore. I can still remember that we’d always send each other long and sweet messages during New Year, but while waiting for 2019, I told myself that I won’t greet him anymore because it’s better off to not include him in the year I’m about to face. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, “Ako naman.” But on 12:26 A.M. of January 01, he texted me, “Happy New Year po..”, to which I replied 20 minutes after, “Happy New Year din po.” He responded, “Salamat po.” And that was it.

Like I said, we still see each other at church every week so I got used already to the pain of seeing him from time to time. I can still remember that there were times when I felt nothing but anger, and there were times when I completely felt nothing. As in zero nothing. I became numb.

But right now, I can honestly say that I am proud that I overcame those moments. Knowing myself, I am not strong when it comes to the both of us. He’s like my strength and weakness combined into one. If I were Superman, he’d be my kryptonite. We would always see each other every day no matter how busy we were, and we’d go to church for our devotional prayer every night. During fights, I couldn’t heighten my pride for him, and I couldn’t stand not talking to him and bugging him because I loved him so dearly, so much. That’s why the pain is that strong on me, because the love I have for him is that immense. I can honestly say that this is the longest break-up I’ve survived. It was not easy. It is never easy. Pero kinakaya ko naman. At kakayanin ko pa.

Aside from the break-up, I’ve been busy with school work. This is my last semester in college and I’m hoping to graduate this March. I have a lot on my plate because we have our Strategic Financial Plan which is basically our thesis. Hindi siya ganun kadali kasi real company ang involved dito at gagawan namin sila ng 5-year financial plan based sa mga inputs na binigay nila sa amin, mainly their financial statements from 2013 to 2017.

Busy rin ako kakagala. Share ko lang: After the break-up, saka lang ako natuto mag-inom o ‘maglasing’. Oo, late bloomer na ako, pero nadiscover ko na hindi pala ako ‘yung tipo na kapag nalasing eh umiiyak. Ako yung tipo na lasing na matapang, yung walang nararamdaman, pero ako rin yung tipo na nag-eEnglish o nagiging conyo. Hahaha! Ayun, maraming ganap nung naghiwalay kami. In-enjoy ko sarili ko. I’ve also been busy taking care of myself because I believe that I owe me an apology. May mga times na sobrang sinisisi ko pa rin talaga sarili ko more than I blame my ex (it took me weeks or even a month before masanay na tawagin na siyang “ex” because I was like, “OMG, for real na ba ‘to?!” Haha). I’ve been doing all that I can so that I wouldn’t self-harm or fall into a bottomless pit of despair.

Hindi ko ma-enumerate lahat ng pinagdaanan ko. Ang alam ko lang, I’m still busy healing.

Ikaw? Kumusta ka na? Tara, kwentuhan tayo. 😊

[halfthebattle]

Nobody in my personal life knows pero gusto ko na mamatay...

Just had to get this out in the open.

[halfthebattle]

A Day in the Life #9

October 25, 2018 — Hello to my new and old readers! Welcome to another episode of A Day in the Life where I try to record depressive moments that happened to me. This is a series in my blog where I’ll be able to help you guys comprehend the struggles of those who are mentally ill, specifically those who have bipolar disorder and depression (these are what I have as some of you may not know yet), while uplifting the spirits of those like me by reminding them that I am here, I experience the same things, and that they are not alone.

Know that I am typing this while I am on my way home so I have to stop from time to time because commuting in the Philippines is such a hassle.

Last night, I had a HUGE mental breakdown. Cubao has busy streets and I was left there, alone, appalled and frozen by the sidewalk, while I try to hide behind a post with a signage or whatever. I won't get into full detail why since the reasons are too personal, but I can tell you that I was desperately in need of dire help. Guys, people with Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar Disorder like me have a hard time controlling our emotions, and when we feel down, it is ~waaaaayyy~ down. Extreme down. Full-on down.

Humahagulgol na ako kagabi with both my hands on my ears while I was wearing earphones kahit wala naman ako pinapakinggan. Masyado lang talagang maingay yung paligid, kaya para akong bata na natutulala na hindi mapakali. That's the best way I can put it.

I didn't know what to do and since I feel like I can no longer take it, I called my mom. Hindi niya ako maintindihan kasi nga humahagulgol na ako. Hindi ako makapagsalita nang maayos kasi I had a hard time breathing and putting words out of my mouth.

A friend of mine saw me and inalalayan niya ako while my parents were on their way to come pick me up. As soon as I saw our car, I rushed in and hugged my mom. I was out of breathe and dun ko na nilabas lahat ng iyak ko. My mom said something like, "Sige, anak, ilabas at iiyak mo lang lahat ng 'yan if that's what it takes to make you feel better."

Inside the car were my brother who was driving, my dad, and my mom. Sabi ng mom ko, "'Wag mo na isipin yung mga bagay o tao na nagpaparamdam sa'yo ng ganyan. Nandito naman kami. Ako, si Daddy, ang ading mo." And in that moment, I found comfort.

As soon as we got home, I went straight to bed and I cried myself to sleep.

Today, hindi dapat ako papasok pero may kailangan ipasa na overload and petition forms again at kailangan ko rin kunin yung certification of enrollment ng friend ko na nasa Japan pa sa registrar's office. Sabi ko sa mga magulang ko papasok lang ako sa 11:30 A.M. to 1:00 P.M. kong klase then uuwi na ako kahit na may 2:30-4:00 at 6:00-9:00 pa ako.

Aminado ako na hindi ko kaya pumasok the whole day kasi kilala ko katawan ko at lalung lalo na ang isip ko. Baka mas bumigay lang ako.

Kanina, kahit 11:30 pa klase, maaga kami pumasok kasi may mga ipapasa ngang papers. Before that, kumain ako kasi simula kahapon at kagabi pa ako hindi kumakain. Kumain ako mag-isa. Well, not really. Nasa gazebo ako with my blockmates pero tahimik lang ako. Tapos pinasa ko na papers ko. Pagkatapos, naglibrary lang ako, mag-isa nanaman. Nanuod ako ng Friends. Kunwari masaya, ganon. Tinitignan nga ako ng mga tao kasi napalalakas pala tawa ko. Haha. Pasensya na, pero sa mga ganung pagkakataon ko nararamdaman yung kapayapaan sa sarili ko.

I feel like a loner, pero okay lang.

So ito ako ngayon, pauwi na... At hindi ko alam kung ano gagawin ko pagkauwi. Natatakot ako para sa sarili ko lalo na't mag-isa lang ako mamaya sa bahay.

Ikaw? Kumusta ka? Sana okay ka lang. Ayoko maranasan mo yung ganitong kalungkutan na kumakain na sa sistema ko. Sana maging masaya ka ngayong araw.

Sincerely,

Louise 💖

[halfthebattle]

About last night and tonight

October 23, 2018 — This is a continuation of my post last night. Click here to read it.

Last night, I couldn't feel any lonelier. We still didn't have a professor for our 6:00-9:00 P.M. class during Mondays so we were instructed by the Chairman of our department to go home after having signed the attendance sheet.

I went home alone. I usually go home with my friends, but three of them were transferred to another block, one went to ride an eTryk instead of a jeepney, another had his own business to attend to, and the other one was still in Japan. I grabbed and reached my phone and went to find someone whom I can meet up with so that I can talk things through with him or her. I was at the height of my emotions. Additionally, my partner and I weren't in good terms. I ended up calling him while I was walking on my way to the jeepney stop and I cried my heart out. I couldn't blame myself because I couldn't take it anymore. One thing I hate about me is that I have the habit of crying in public, looking all stupid and not caring anyway, but obsessively worrying about it afterwards.

From Intramuros, I safely reached Cubao. I sat in front of the busy streets at the corner of Cyberpark (as seen in photo). People were walking past me while I try to distract myself from my own demons by watching Friends. After that, I went to church to pray then my partner and I talked at MiniStop before heading home.

Tonight, as of 10:00 P.M., I'm here at the hospital for my checkup. It's about time since it's been a month and a half since I last saw my neuropsychiatrist.

About an hour and a half ago, I was sitting alone by the window while my mom was talking to this guy (as seen in the photos above) whom I'm talking to right now upon returning from MiniStop. Hehe. I got hungry that's why I went down and across the street to grab myself some snacks.

The guy I'm talking to right now has panic attacks, OCD, and anxiety. According to him, his main issue is the burning sensation in his whole body everyday and he sleeps it all away when it gets too much to bear... While we were talking, little did I know that he graduated from the same university that I am in! It's a small world after all. Haha.

Well, anyway, it's my turn now... BRB.

Update as of 10:50 P.M. — Checkup is done. It went well. My neuropsychiatrist plans on giving me another medicine for mood stabilizer, and it is upon approval of my nephrologist yet. My doctor talked to my mom afterwards and according to her, he is happy that I am responsive to my current medication. ☺️ It's just that I need a mood stabilizer because I am mostly on my extremes.

That is all for now. My phone's battery is already low. We're on our way home anyway. I'll talk to you guys soon! Take care always. 🤗

[halfthebattle]

A Day in the Life #8

It's the first day of my last semester in college (hopefully)! I was awoken by a nightmare that felt so real. I ended up crying and feeling all shit, not wanting to go to class. The one person I called and sought comfort from wasn't really helpful and was only able to make me feel worse.... I was 30 minutes late for my first class so I was thinking whether I should still attend to it or not. Fortunately, I had 2 classmates of mine who were late, too. Haha. But hey, I still went to class so I made a little progress today. You know what they say: Small progress is still a progress.

Now, we're busy bees with all the pile of overload and petition forms. Like what my classmate just said, "Too much for a first day, huh."

* s i g h *

Honestly speaking, I don't feel so good. I don't feel okay. I just want to lie on my bed, all covered with heavy sheets like a burrito and surrounded by my cuddly stuff toys, while I watch Friends until I fall asleep and wake up no more...

Somebody, please get me out of here.

[halfthebattle]

October 17, 2018 — Today, I was supposed to go to school para asikasuhin overload forms ko but instead, #DaughterDuty calls, I accompanied my Mom to PRC (Morayta) for the renewal of her license. Well, more of like renewal ng password niya kasi Daddy ko gumawa ng account niya sa PRC pero nakalimutan nila password. 😅 So ayun. Hindi ako pinapasok kasi nakashorts lang ako. Wapakels naman akes. After that, we took a bus going to Robinson's Galleria para kunin yung ID niya sa PRC branch doon. Kumain muna kami ng lunch tapos binalikan nalang namin. Habang hinihintay ko siya, nagutom nanaman ako at bumili ako ng kikiam at cheese sticks sa isa sa mga stalls dun sa Galle. Swear, nagfoodtrip lang yata kami ng nanay ko! Bago pa kami makarating ng PRC Morayta, nagpabili na rin ako ng Happy Cup! HAHAHA.

Bago umuwi, my mom wanted to know what all the fuss is about this Maxi Mango. Ang haba haba haba ng pila lagi. We wanted to try it sana noon nung nagbukas sila ng stall sa Gateway for a week kaso super haba talaga ng pila, hindi kaya ng powers namin. So, kanina, pursigido nanay ko. Haha. Pero nakaupo lang siya sa food court. Ako talaga yung pumila. 😂 After waiting for almost two hours, natikman ko na rin yung Mango Float ng Maxi Mango!!! 💛

If you'll ask me if it's worth the hype:

Well, honestly, masarap siya so 50/50. Pero hindi na ulit ako pipila nang ganun katagal para sa kaniya. Wala lang, I don't see myself waiting in line again. Gagawa nalang ako ng Mango Graham, mas maigi pa. Pero masarap siya.

For all the lactose intolerant people like me, ingat ingat lang din. Haha. If you know what I mean! 😅

Tapos ayun, hindi pa pala tapos foodtrip namin kasi bumili pa si Mommy ng Chef Tony's popcorn at isang dozen ng J.Co donuts. 🐖🐖🐖

We reached home around 3:30-ish, then I slept from 4 to 6pm.

How about you? How was your day? 😊

[halfthebattle]

Life Update

(Before you read this blog post, I just want to share that I’m currently listening to Sleeping with Siren’s playlist of Scene 1 to Scene 5 while writing this, hihi)

WARNING: Mahaba itong post na ‘to. Pagtiyagaan niyo nalang. Minsan lang naman ako magkuwento eh. Haha.

Hello! How are you? As always, I wish that you are all doing fine. As for me, well, I know I haven’t been active lately, and I have no better excuse than “My life has been a series of complicated mess and I didn’t know how to put those in words, I’m sorry”. Deep inside, there’s always been the urge and the need to write. Writing always calms me. It’s like an aromatic coffee that, once inhaled and sipped, gives me peace even just for a moment. But then again, I always want to find the right blend of coffee – the right words to write, that is. Maybe some of you can relate, but sometimes, it’s hard to put your emotions into words so oftentimes, you are left with suppressing them. But here I am now, about to mix in the best ingredients that I could find.

I’m about to share with all of you a glimpse of what happened over the past weeks – only those that I think are important but not too personal enough to mention.

1. Remember that post I had last August 16 when I said that I was having the worst weeks of my 2018 yet? Well, one of the reasons is my unfortunate chance of receiving ‘singko’. While taking our midterm exam, I was caught using my phone. No need to deny it now that I was checking if my answers were right, so yes, you can call that cheating, folks. I didn’t want to share it as much as possible because I felt ashamed, but then I realized, “To hell with it, I started out a blog, I should share even the bad sides that I have. I should be transparent to my readers.” My professor, who was already a senior citizen, had a hard time deciding whether he would fail me or not. He talked to the president of our class in private and asked for a second opinion. The president of our block didn’t know what to say but he did mention the oath that we signed when we shifted to Finance from Accountancy. It was written there that we are supposed to not receive a grade of 5.00 again, or else it will lead to expulsion. I was a coward, I didn’t have the guts to talk to my professor face-to-face about the matter, so I sent him a long message, explaining but mostly apologizing. He told me that I should just wait for my grades on the CRS. What really pained me were his other words. He told me that being a graduating student, being the eldest among the siblings in my family, and that my father is expecting me to graduate are not enough reasons to pass me. I swear I was tearing up when I read that. I was not worried about me, I was worried about my parents. I didn’t want them to know about this considering that it will only add to their burden. Left with no choice, I had nothing better to do than to swallow my pride and still attend classes in that subject and excruciatingly wait for my grades. As someone with depression, you could just imagine how that caused me to panic and pity myself. I kept on thinking, “Pwede bang sabihin nalang niya kung isisingko niya ako para alam ko na next move ko, kasi hindi ko na kaya na maghintay pa ng two months, hindi ako makahinga nang maluwag araw-araw?” You’ll know more about what happened after with this subject later.

Another reason for “worst weeks of 2018 yet” is our thesis. Even before we were able to do our business research, we were assigned to pass 5 thesis topic proposals. Among the 5 that my groupmates and I passed, nothing was approved. We were in dire need to start our business research already because time was against us – we only had one month left. To top it all off, sabi pa sa amin ng prof namin, “Ang babaw ng topics niyo.” Sinabi niya yun sa buong klase. Sobrang gusto na namin ng groupmates ko na kainin kami ng lupa. But I didn’t see it as mababaw. About Gender Finance yung isa naming topic, yung isa naman is about Neoliberalism. Ano mababaw run?

2. Last September 23, 2018, I wasn’t able to blog about it, but I took the Philippine Law School Admission Test (PHILSAT). I was able to muster all my strength and courage to take it and have our Thesis Oral Defense after two days! Yes, in less than a week, I faced the PHILSAT and our defense! Honestly speaking, hindi ko rin alam paano ko nakaya pero kahapon, October 15, 2018, the results were out. Lo and behold:

Hindi ko na ipapakita pangalan ko, pero NAKAPASA AKO SA PHILSAT! For less than an hour, I was happy about it, but things happen, and I feel like life (or some people) was selfish enough to let me rejoice for a day.

3. Last October 06, 2018, it was my first ever time to watch a movie in the cinema all by myself. The experience was fun and freeing at the same time. Though this was an impulsive decision I made after class, I think I should do it more often. It was a healthy way to reconnect with myself. Anyway, Exes Baggage is a 9/10 for me! Umiiyak akong lumabas ng theatre. Haha.

4. I had a day of pampering with my younger cousin at Laguna two days ago. We had a facial session, a whole-body Swedish massage, then we capped off the night with Seattle’s Best Double Chocolate Mint and Sip & Dip’s budget-friendly create-your-own snack! Gustung gusto ko kapag pumupunta ako sa kanila sa Laguna ‘cause parang pampering day ko talaga yun. Haha.

(Nagswitch na ako sa playlist ng LANY. Now Playing: Malibu Nights. Ang sakit, mga sis.)

5. Last night, as mentioned in my previous post, biglaan akong inatake ng Major Depressive Disorder ko. Masyado na marami nangyayari sa buhay ko minsan na minsan tinatry ko mawalan ng paki, tinatry ko huwag panghawakan yung mga bagay na yun, but sometimes, hindi pa rin ako matahimik. Kagabi, on my way home, di muna ako pumasok ng bahay kasi umiiyak na ako mag-isa sa labas ng bahay namin, mukha akong tanga though wala naman nakakakita sa akin. Chinat ko bestfriends ko. Ayun, minessage nung bestfriend ko since kindergarten yung nanay ko. Nung una, di ako pinayagan pero pumayag din naman. So, nagbook na ako ng Grab papunta sa kanila. Nag-usap kami sa kwarto niya about things that are going in our lives. Nagpa-McDelivery kami pero nakatulog na ako so siya nalang kumain kagabi. Sa umaga ko nalang kinain yung share ko. HAHA.

6. As of today, kumpleto na rin naman grades ko. Pasado ako sa lahat. Although hindi ako kontento sa grades ko, alam ko naman na deserve ko yung mga mabababa. Ang importante nalang sa akin ngayon is nakapasa ako. About dun sa prof ko na pinag-iisipan kung ibabagsak ako, well, nung Final Examination week namin, hindi na niya pinag-exam yung mga perfect attendance. Isa na ako run. Pero he talked to me separately. Nag-aral daw ba ako, sabi ko, “Opo, Sir.” Sabi niya, “Nevermind, don’t take the exam. You won’t fail. I assure you. In a 1/8 sheet of paper, just write the grade you think you deserve.” Oh, diba, mala-Fault in our Stars?! Haha. Nilagay ko 2.75. Binago ko. Nilagay ko 3.00. In the end, he gave me 2.50. I messaged him na super thankful ako kasi ang considerate niya. Di ko yata deserve. ☹ As for my other professor, gusto ko isampal sa kaniya yung sinabi niya na ang babaw ng topic namin. Pero thankful na rin ako kasi nabago topic namin. We got 1.25. KAMI PINAKA MATAAS, BESHY. We couldn’t get happier!

7. Oo nga pala, “sembreak” na namin ngayon. Pero limang araw lang. First time ko ‘to maexperience in my college life. Haha. Sa limang araw na yun, dalawang araw inilaan pa sa enrollment. Bawas pa ng isang araw kasi bukas, pinapapunta kami para i-file yung overload form namin for next sem. So, lumalabas na dalawang araw lang pahinga ko. At yung isa pa run ay kinuha sa akin ng depression ko. Haha.

That’s all, folks! If you’ve reached this far, please comment a heart for me! Kailangan ko ngayon ng love and attention. Asar, ang needy ko. Huehue. Anyway... Thank you so much!!

[halfthebattle]

5 Things That Make Me Happy

I was tagged by @moonaayy in an answer to a Tumblr Ask and I thought, “Hey, it’s kind of a nice idea to make a blog post about the things that make me happy, is it not?” Besides, I don’t want to bore you guys with my depression and shit. Baka kasi isipin niyo puro nalang ako negativity sa buhay. Gusto ko rin naman magspread ng positivity sa inyo. So, I hope you’ll enjoy this post about the 5 things that make me happy (in no particular order) and maybe then, you’ll get to know me more. I have another blog post coming up but I’ll do this first. :)

(NOTE: God, my family, my loved ones and friends are excluded ‘cause it's already taken that they do make me happy most of the time.)

1. WRITING

Writing makes me feel serene. Honestly, it helps a lot with my depression. Whenever I have no one to talk to, I go somewhere alone and write down everything I want to express. Needless to say, it’s always been a passion of mine. In fact, when I was in elementary and high school, I always joined the Poetry Writing Contest and Essay Writing Contest. Sometimes, I get a medal out of it and sometimes, I don't. Either way, what’s important is that writing makes me happy.

2. ICED COFFEE AND TEA

Whatever I’m doing or feeling -- if I’m studying, or catching up with friends, if I’m hungry or depressed, coffee and tea should always be there. They’re a huge part of my comfort! 

(At this point, nag-iisip ako ng pwedeng pang i-mention. Haha. Gosh, ganun na ba kahirap para sa akin ang sumaya?)

3. A WHOLE BODY MASSAGE

Oh, boy, I am telling you, if you haven’t experienced yet a whole body massage, you’re totally missing out! Gustung gusto ko yung masahe sa likod, sa paa, at sa ulo, lalo na sa ulo, kasi narerelax talaga ako. Di ko alam pero tuwing minamasahe ako sa ulo, feel ko nawawala depression ko. Masaya na rin ako na ganun nga, kasi kahit panandalian lang, nararamdaman ko na para bang wala nga akong depression.

4. WATCHING SERIES

I do this when I have nothing better to do or when I’m bored. Other times, I do it to distract myself and to have a good laugh. My recommended series are (in particular order):

How I Met Your Mother

How to Get Away With Murder

BoJack Horseman

The Good Place

iZombie

Atypical is a nice series, too. I had already seen Riverdale and 13 Reasons Why but I’m not a huge fan, sorry. Currently, I’m watching Friends!

5. VALUES

Syempre, hindi mawawala ‘to. Napapasaya ako ng mga taong may values katulad niyo. Napapasaya ako ng mga messages niyo, ng concern niyo. Napapasaya ako ng mga taong marunong magthank you and mag-ask permission muna. Napapasaya ako ng mga tao na marunong makaramdam at ng mga tao na honest enough to admit their mistakes or to tell you pag nakasakit ka. Super napapasaya ako ng mga taong marunong makaappreciate, yung hindi ka iniignore at nini-neglect.

How about you? What are the things that make you happy? :)

[halfthebattle]

A Day in the Life #7

October 16, 2018 @ 12:00 A.M. — I'm on my way to my bestfriend (since kindergarten)'s house because I'm having one of my Major Depressive Disorder episodes right now...

Nagpaalam ako sa nanay ko, don't worry. And yes, dala ko stuff toy ko! Hihi.

Update as of 12:12 A.M.: I'm here already. Iyak na ba ako? LOL. Hayy, life... 😭

[halfthebattle]

That moment when you always try to pour everything out for the people you love kahit na minsan, nauubusan ka na para sa sarili mo. Then, at the end of the day, parang kulang ka pa rin. Ang shitty lang ng ganung pakiramdam. Wala lang, share ko lang.

Nandito ngapala ako ngayon sa Coffee Project (simula 5pm) dahil may dalawang major exam ako bukas. Hehe. 😅 Di ko ba alam bakit pa ako nag-aaral. Di rin naman nareretain sa utak ko. Di ko rin naman naaabsorb. I feel like I'm getting dumber and dumber each day.

Anyway, FUN FACT: English Breakfast Tea with honey is my all-time favorite!

[halfthebattle]

Day in the Life #6

Gusto ko lang naman maging okay eh. I'm not even asking for happiness. I just want to be okay. I'll settle with okay. Okay is enough for me.

Is that too much to ask for?

[halfthebattle]

It's 12 A.M. and can somebody please hold me tight right now and tell me it's all going to be alright? Please.

[halfthebattle]

A Day in the Life #5

Today, my depression told me it's okay if I won't kill myself as long as my depression itself gets to stay in my life.

I haven't totally agreed with the plan but for as long as I won't have any suicidal ideations, I guess there's no harm in keeping my depression with me, don't you think?

[halfthebattle]

Hi. Where'd you get your icon? So nice. Have a great day~

Hello, anon!

I'm sorry it took me a month or two before I got to answer your question. Anyway, I got my icon on Pinterest. Hihi.

Have a nice day as well! 🤗

[halfthebattle]

Whats your major?

Hello, anon!

I'm sorry it took me a month or two before I got to answer your question, but here I am!

Anyway, I am taking up Bachelor of Science in Business Administration Major in Finance and Treasury Management.

Thank you for asking. 😊