hangrywyrm

[hangrywyrm]

i want them so bad, i'm so sad that this is the situation we're in. if things were different i think things could be good.. idk, idk if i want a relationship with them, they're so sweet and they make me laugh, and they make me feel so good.. but idk.. i see how they are, the things they do thinking i dont have eyes everywhere... it makes me sad.. they tell me i'm enough then next thing i know they're talking to their ex again.. idk... i dont think i'll ever be enough for someone.. i mean i dont really offer much so it makes sense... i just kinda wish i could be.. idk they asked me to be their girlfriend last night and i panicked and told them now isnt a good time.. cause it like *really* fucking isnt... but they said they were half joking and im worried they do want something serious with me and im not sure i want that..

[hangrywyrm]

i feel like i'm in another fuckin long distance relationship jesus christ

[hangrywyrm]

his is 18 and theirs is 18 but mine is 26 and i'm the only one trying im so fucking tired.

[hangrywyrm]

im so fucking tired all the time. i dont want to st4rve but god it feels so good. im a fucking nurse i know better. i know what it does to the body. to the mind. but being small made people nice to me. and being smaller would make me prettier. and food isnt even that good. and the hunger pains arent even that bad. and the muscle and joint pain doesnt even hurt that much. i can do it. i know i can. maybe then he'll like me again and think i'm pretty enough to touch. idk. maybe i like the pain. maybe thats why i go back. maybe thats why i keep doing the same things over and over. i dont expect a different outcome. i want the comfort of the same result.

[hangrywyrm]

i just took a titty pic and you can see my ribs for the first time since i was a child.. wow...

[hangrywyrm]

i love my bf so much, i wish the worms in my brain(bpd) didnt make me so mad at him sometimes :(

[hangrywyrm]

i love my roommates so much, but jesus christ i wish they would get their shit together.. like i cant be the only one doing shit around the house when i'm never upstairs, and i keep the basement clean. and like, i move in a month, yall have a month to get it together and keep the place clean so someone else can move in in place of me. and it's like, i get it, i'm depressed too, my room looks bad too.. but cmon, i scrubbed the fuck out of the kitchen and tidied up the living room a week before my bf came over and then by the time he was here, it looked like i hadnt done anything. and he was SO DISAPPOINTED, because the last time he came over he had to help me clean cause it was so bad, and i promised him it was better, but because i was working myself to death up till the day he came over i didnt have time to clean up the mess that had accumulated, and like he understood but like, idk.. it just sucks that i cant have friends over, i feel humiliated when my bf comes over, and i feel disgusted walking through my own house.. i cant wait to move out man

[hangrywyrm]

while my bf was visiting for our anniversary, he kept trying to put me in positions that would work if i had a vagina, but i dont, cause yk, weenor... but everytime he did it, i would giggle and tell him it wont work, and he'd laugh and say "no we'll make it work" but... like... no.? like now you're out of breath, and i'm dysphoric, and neither of us are in the mood anymore. i mean it never totally ruined the mood and we'd be right back to it 10 minutes later but like.. idk it just times like that really make me sad about being trans, like, i like my dick, but like... having a vagina would just be so much more convenient. sex would be easier, no tucking, no random boners, idk..

[hangrywyrm]

being trans is awesome cause i get to listen to my coworkers actively discuss whether or not i deserve healthcare and just general respect as a human being, but because i pass fairly well they turn to me like "oh no not you tho, i mean, it's not like you need healthcare anyway, you already have tits!" as if the only kind of healthcare i need is top surgery, and like, yeah, i have great tits, and a small waist, and wide hips, and it's "natural," but, i still need my hormones, without them i would still be shaped like a cardboard box. and i'd really rather not go back to that.

[hangrywyrm]

i lost my mom to this most recent election, i miss her so much. me and my long distance bf's 1st anniversary was on the 6th and we ended up spending it with me sobbing in my bed while he held me and tried to make me feel better. He's so good at making me feel better.. i wish he didnt have to do it so often. but at the end of the night we had a good anniversary and my first instinct was to tell my mom about it, but i couldnt. and then my birthday was the 9th, and my dad wished me a happy birthday, and it reminded me my mom isnt there to tell me how much she loves me, and it hurt so much. she ended up texting me that night to tell me happy birthday but it was more of an angry "happy birthday how could you do this to me" kinda text. now my boyfriends on a plane headed 1200 miles away again, i'm at work crying like a baby cause i miss my mommy, and i have no one to talk to about it... this fucking sucks. i miss her so much.. i just want to tell her about how happy i am and how happy my boyfriend makes me, and how much i love my job (a job that i got because she did it for 20 something years and it made me want to do it.) but i cant, because she decided to throw away our entire relationship.. idk if she did it for her little boyfriend, or for her shitty friends that deadname me and still call me her son.. but it hurts really bad. and i cant think about it without my chest getting tight... and i'm trying really hard to be strong about it but god it was so much easier when my boyfriend was here to help me carry the weight of it.