Let Me Grieve For Fucks Sake
These tomcats of toxic positivity
Keep pissing up my wall of sorrow.
It's my civic duty
To neuter these animals.
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I wish I was sin.
At least I'd be filled with something
everyone wants
to some extent.
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Good therapy
I come to you as bruise
and lacklustre.
You ask me how I feel today
and I say "a twinkle without
the glitter ".
You said "well at least you
see yourself as a star and not
as a black hole this week. "
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Is it Truth When You Talk?
I’m Ok but I’m lying
I’m lying but I’m OK.
I get out of bed.
I’m lying but I’m fine
I’m fine but I’m lying.
I’m me but I don’t want to be.
I don’t want to be me but I am.
Why am I me?
I’m at work now.
Why am I me?
I’m me but I don’t want to be.
I ask if they feel like shadow and they say no
I’m OK but I’m lying.
I’m lying but I’m Ok.
Am I?
I’m crying but I don’t want to.
I don’t want to but I’m crying.
They ask what is wrong
and I reply “what is right?”
they don’t understand
because to understand
is to undersit and undercrawl
and underlie underneath
my canopy of fuck.
Ain’t no stars underneath
my canopy of fuck
just dark thoughts. Pot holes.
Statistics about problem childhoods
and problem children
and problem adolescents
and problem adulthood
and all of the consequent hoods
and problemed problems
I’m a problem, but I’m Ok
I’m OK but I’m a problem.
What am I? Am I me?
I am me, but why am I a problem?
I’m at home now.
I rub a flannel over my face.
I don’t have a flannel,
but if I did,
I would rub it over my face right now.
I would rub dirt over my face
and then rub my face with that flannel
I don’t own but if I did own
I would use after throwing my face
in the dirt.
Clean start
Pass go
Collect £200
If only I got that chance
to
problem
issue
Ok.
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Rationality
Doesn’t it just
devour you
and render you
to carcass?
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Average
I take forever to get dressed,
and when I leave the house,
I’m still a mess.
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I Own Nothing
Sometimes I feel like the one thing I have above my peers is suffering,
they'll say "but you've experienced a lot and that's made you who you are"
I ask you,
why is who they are not based on suffering?
Why are they based on personal achievement and career and friends?
Why is what I have indicative of pain?
Can't I have humour because I'm a funny person
not because it's a defense mechanism?
Can't I have a religion because I have faith
not because it's a crutch against austerity?
Can't I have an aggressive attitude because I'm an absolute bitch
not because I am metaphorically standing up to the fists that forced me down?
Can't I think critically because I'm a genius
not because my terrible little life turned me cynical?
Can't I write with passion because I like writing passionately
not because writing is an escape from the hostile world I once had?
Is nothing I've become my own?
To them, suffering has taken everything from me, everything except my mental health since they say
"oh you're stable, despite, the suffering -
Well then, how do they expect this stability to stay with me when they've handed everything over I have,
to a concept that does nothing but destroy?
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I want to make my mark.
My stomach is now a butterfly conservation
but this habitat is not equipped
for all this larvae.
I tell you I want to drive a knife
through the soft pouch of abdomen I have
you recoil in horror,
but I simply wish to empty myself
of the bugs overcrowding the damp
I am inside.
That’s not self harm
that’s self care
why is it I can never do anything right according to you?
When the surgeons cut me open
-again and again and again and-
I was told they’d fix me up normal
but that never happened
they let the caterpillars crawl into open cavities.
Then they sewed me up good.
Men’s signatures are scribbled all over me.
Sometimes I feel like these men own me
and I don’t really like that.
Do you know what it’s like to be an autograph book?
Why is it if I want to put my own signature over me
suddenly that’s mental?
Fix me up normal. Fucked me up special.
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Punched By Boredom.
I was hit by Boredom.
Occasionally Boredom
bites its victims,
venom slowly creeps
into the nervous system
paralysing the spine
and the thoughts it holds up.
That’s for those who are knowingly
entering territory where Boredom bugs lie.
The city of Routine is overpopulated and leaves
unhygienic conditions.
I got smacked in the car ride.
I usually love our car rides.
Duller than a slap from Reality
- I give you that -
but it’s pretty fucking nasty
because before you got all
bloody nosed by Boredom
I thought I was safe. Was Happy.
Was? Am. Am I?
Questions come and settle in me.
Unwelcome guest.
I left the door open.
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I found this in an old notebook
Two Twix in
And I'm like
"what the fuck
am I doing
with my life? "
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He wants what he can't have.
"why can't I have that?" he asks. I dunno what he's talking about. I carry on picking the cheese off my chips. "what would you do if you found out your partner was cheating on you?"
I pushed my body forwards and replied instantly "I would ruin the woman who chose to ruin me"
"that!" he says and points at me "I want to love someone so much I'd say crazy shit like that."
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Pity The Privileged
I brought him to the broken
and he cried at how whole they looked
He brought me to the privileged
and I cried at how fragile they were.
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When We Was Woke
We speaking about "when we was woke"
... Listening to the twenty somethings
say something about how their work/ university
became the tea light to their lantern,
and now they float amongst the adulthood.
I wait my turn.
Folding some lukewarm sweet potato fries into my gob.
I wonder when this fad will end,
I feel like a fad.
I wonder when I will end.
My turn turned up, I speak in Fad "was woke well young"
She is nodding whilst tearing focaccia and dipping it into this modernity,
The other, cutting into his steak,
The third, vegan, twirls mushroom soup with a spoon.
I narrate a purge
begin with an age and
work from there
"- I was thirteen, fourteen -
when this injustice
curled its thumb into a passive fist
pressing realisation
push pins into my conscious.
My thoughts tangleweeded
into a topknot.
Couldn't make sense of what was and was not.
My head hot
My hurt raw.
And I had a dialect so thick
that the subtitles gave up and shrugged my character off to the next scene.
It made me louder. I will be heard. " My declaration felt a bit defibrillator followed by the 70bpm. I got embarrassed.
...
Trainee psychologists feeding their middle class pantries agree that I was well woke before most.
Trainee psychologists sympathise.
" you sound like you lived a life before your life was liveable"
Only it was something less obnoxious like
"sounds lonely"
And I replied with something like
"it was".
Maybe I sighed.
I was eating quinoa.
I hated it.
But I hate myself more and I ate it as punishment.
We talk about baked brows before a silence bakes us.
I ask amongst the silent cooking: "do you ever feel like you're a fad?"
They never have.
It must be nice to always be on trend.
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What are we?
I said that I think we are dandelion fluff.
We connect and tumble and float
in the hope of placing roots down
Somewhere. Anywhere.
You said why can't you just say we're lost souls?
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We carry on existing
and it pisses me off.
To run, to escape,
strap myself in neon
and jog in a pack
away from death.
I hurt. But I don’t want to.
I cope. But I don’t want to.
Grit teeth. Fuck that.
Let’s cut canals into
my arms and give my suffering
to a pain worth my attention.
Let’s feast on hurt and give
my worth to somebody else
because I’m sick of having
to be OK.
I’m not.
I’m not OK.
And to tell me I cannot cry
because I’m the “strong one”
disables my ability to ever
feel what you’re able to have:
Healing.
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