Gf:*taps my shoulder at 4am* Are you up?
Me:*rolls over* hm?
Gf: Remember that one episode of SpongeBob where SpongeBob and Patrick were arguing about who’s Dirty Dan and Spongebob called Patrick Pinhead Larry and Patrick's face got really small?
Me: The fuck? I mean, yea?
Gf: That was funny. *goes to sleep*
4 notes
·
View notes
Maybe next time you’ll listen to WebMD
1 note
·
View note
Happy holidays and all that good shit haha. But listen, I gotta ask you a favour. A real big fucking favour.
Nah, miss me with that shit
1 note
·
View note
100% talking shit
C: want me to send food?
Me: Nah, I’d prefer you here
Me:*gets neither*
😂😂😂
Now I’m just hungry AND lonely lol
4 notes
·
View notes
No shit post, I just miss my mother.
Be easy, everybody.
0 notes
Mood
there's only two emotions:
1. mood
2. big mood
153K notes
·
View notes
Yes, the pettiness is hella gas
burger king is offering a 1 cent whopper through their mobile app if you unlock the coupon while at a mcdonald’s
167K notes
·
View notes
D: Ewww my leg got wet!
C: With what, garbage juice?
D: Yes!
C: Haha, you're a garbage girl.
D: Shut up, you're adopted.
0 notes
when you turn 18
2 notes
·
View notes
“What kind of phone do you have?”
“Oh! I’ve got the iPhone XS Max Product Red Supreme Declaration of Indepence Deluxe.”
“Cool. I’ve got a Pixel.”
0 notes
Hey, I got it! Oh, that's just a paycheck. Stay woke folks
if you’re reading this
a lump sum of money is on the way to you
845K notes
·
View notes
They told me to think of my friends and burn letters. I did the opposite. I burnt my friends and thought of their letters (laughs)
Grandma
3 notes
·
View notes
"I was at the psychologist's. They think I'm crazy, but grandma's not crazy. I have imaginary friends but I'm not crazy. And sometimes they give me good ideas!"
Grandma
0 notes
How and why does 'At once' mean 'right now'?
0 notes
Ah, a pleasant walk through the park on a Saturday morning. Beautifully littered cans and bags of crisps, the poignant aroma of every strain of weed one could imagine, and the ever graceful crackhead shooting up in full veiw on the stairs. That's gas.. hellagas
0 notes
Imagine being able to follow the same A+ advice you love to dish out. Wild
0 notes