herchainsawhands

[herchainsawhands]

how could you hold me in your hands and know to break — my heart that bleeds, your poisoned lake?

[herchainsawhands]

how could i have been anyone, if i was no one to you?

[herchainsawhands]

i have not grown past infancy

mother

tell me why

are you so quick to anger

when it's me you're facing

tell me why your hand

that seldom strikes

is so easy to rise

when it's me you're facing

tell me what did i do

to deserve this wrath

i cannot recall a moment

in this life

where i have angered you so

i haven't lived for a while you see

just beyond infancy

my body, it grows and grows

but my heart

it hasn't grown past infancy

i am forever a child

i run down the stairs

i fall as i trip

i wait for you to collect me

you do not come.

i wait, i wait, i wait

you do not come to get me.

i have not grown past infancy

tell me why must you mirror

the look in my eyes

the anger you put there

why do you feel wronged

for the damage that scars me

we must have met in another life

where i had stolen all your jewels

left you all but with one

your heart

ah, now i’m sure!

i must have been your thief

it falls into piece

why you look at me

as if i stole your good years

why you say i am your beast

your punishment

your disease.

yours now and from my infancy

it must've been so

oh, you shouldn't have withheld this from me!

i understand it now

the look in your eyes that haunts me

the cold of your hands

against my face as it bruises

oh, you should've told me mother!

why you hated me so unconditionally

why i have not grown past infancy

but i try mother

i try to recall

sculpt your face in that past life

picture my crime that plagues you

but all i draw

from years of my memory

is me reaching

always

for your hand

for your eyes

for you

your retreating figure

your back to me, always.

reaching for you

as you walk away

you do not look back

you do not hear my cries

your gaze is always fixed

just beyond me

i have not grown past infancy.

[herchainsawhands]

the sin of being (ours)

i stare into your eyes

oh papa, don’t look back at me now

not when this obscene rage

blinds you

don’t look back at her

the monster you made me with

as you raise your hand

let this be

your last mercy

oh papa, don’t look back at me now

not when you spent my best years

looking away

not when i rotted

under your silence

not when i pleaded

for your embrace

don’t look at me now

as if you had been looking all along

don't look at me now

as if it was i

who looked away

as you shout and venom

laces your tongue red

i see the chains

your chains that bind you

to your sins

to us.

hear them clang behind you

as you close in

they run to hide

i run to you

i did, at least

until i knew you.

your voice pierces

this shattered house

the Fire engulfs all

but you

made of flame your eyes

turn me to ash

i disintegrate

was i ever known to you?

how could i have been anyone

if i was no one to you?

mother begs you now,

fights against you

your brutish strength

overtakes her.

i flail my gentle hands

still unknown to violence

yet born from its flames

eight, eighteen the years pass.

the Fire does not dull

your sins

do not lessen

your chains wrap around our middles

we are bound to your tragedy

you are bound to be ours.

you will not be free.

until you return to me

my sister’s tears,

my mother’s years.

until you return

to me

me.

until you return

to me.

we survive eternity

we do not survive your gaze

oh papa,

how could you

hold me in your hands

and know to break

my heart that bleeds

your poisoned lake

they say you live on,

that you roam streets barren

of my voice and hers

children cower as you draw near

but they are not cut

from your rotted flesh

they know you for your sins

they did not bear their wrath

but they hate you more than we could

they throw coins at your arrival

run to churches to rid your spirit

switch paths you tread

we were there, papa

always in your periphery

all you had to do

was look.

all you had to do

was be ours.

we died in your backyard

one after one,

as age took us, or disease

some escaped your prison,

others were taken in it

i saw your eyes. the last

i saw of this world

and all i wondered was

did the Fire that kept you warm

burn you a little too?

did its smoke swallow you whole?

did you struggle to breathe

as we did

in your embrace?

did you ever want to douse

your blaze?

was your life also haunted

by the stolen moments

we were alive

as you smiled and the house set alight

as mother let her hair down

eyes crinkling as she met your stare

when it didn't burn her to be yours

when it didn't kill you to

be ours.

days i could call you

and you would turn

days i would call you

and you could turn

i would’ve forgotten, papa.

i would’ve, i swear.

turn away now, papa

don’t look back at me now.

your tears cannot water my corpse,

cannot return me

my days

you are doomed to be

their monster

destined to be

our fate.

look back, papa.

look back.

and perhaps

when we meet again

you will be just

my father

not my grave.

goodbye now, papa.

farewell to your blaze.

let it be your last company

let it, at least, stay.

[herchainsawhands]

what could i have been, to be wanted?

mother

i saw you look away

turn your head

past mine and we can

forget this happened

look back and smile at me

i’ll let you go

i always have.

i had you once

i know i did

i remember.

nights i spent in your arms, awake

when you pull away

“come back,” i’d say. and

you would

smile at me

languid and disarmed

you would

hold me again

and i would sleep.

i haven’t known sleep, since then

i haven't known your smile, either.

i’m not sure who

pulled away first

i’m sure it wasn’t me.

i know because

even now

as your eyes graze the

damage you leave

onto my skin

even now

as my heart

splinters and regrows

i look to you.

fixed and unmoving

i look to you.

look at me again

just once more

help me

forget this distance

look at me again,

i’ll forget.

look

just look at me,

i’ll forgive.

they say mother always

knows best

do you, mother

do you know and choose

not to?

do you know how I

yearn

for your touch

how I run in circles

search for hands to feel

your warmth

do you know that I see you

hold

her, him, her, him

all while i shiver

do you know that i linger

at eight — eighteen

even as I turn,

i linger

To hear you

call me back

i’m not sure why

i wait

i wouldn’t survive

your embrace.

i don’t remember

how to be held

by you

without knowing to

run away.

i would choke

suffocate, struggle

in your grasp.

I wouldn’t let go

still.

that is what I hold

over you

i would

stay.

i have.

a child can never hate its

mother

so, it learns to hate

itself

it learns to hate

the way its eyes crinkle at

happiness

what have you done to deserve it?

it learns to detest

its tears

do you think you’re capable of feeling,

you rotten thing?

it learns to loathe

its voice

what can you have to say

that’s worth listening to?

it learns to hate its body

the flesh it wears

what do you have

that should be seen?

it turns invisible.

it shuffles

behind the loved

it stutters

when it explains

it falters

when it's noticed

it hides

afraid to be caught

in the act of wanting

what it cannot have.

want

what could you have been

to be Wanted?

when the monster that

birthed you

abandons you

who else can you be

worthy of?

when your own mother

can’t hold your gaze

who else can you be

seen by?

what could i have been

to be Wanted?

not me, i suppose

not me.

[herchainsawhands]

lover's grip

tear me down

limb by limb

so i may not be restitched

break me apart

so thoroughly that i

cannot be restored.

till the blood seeps out

drop by drop and dries

till my breathing shallows

and then stops.

pull me apart

sure and steady

till my eyes no longer focus

on the knife you draw out of me

the gaping hole

it leaves in my chest

till i cannot see any longer

the heart

dripping red and black

stuck on its edge

throw me far

where you cannot reach me

watch the seagulls savour my flesh

watch me rot and scatter

my legs withdrawn, my arms twisted

watch the waves carry me gently

gentler than you ever have been

watch my eyes, through it all

away from the dagger

focused on you

hold my gaze as you

let your mouth run

remind me of

my misdeeds and infractions

build me back

limb by limb

plot my rise

just as the sun falls

scoop my blood with

your bare hands

feed my veins its venom

pump back my lungs

return my breath

stitch me together

again and again

make my eyes focus

push the knife back in

my heart on its edge

black and red

pull me close

hands near my skin

fly away the seagulls

grow back my limbs

bring me back from the waves

the only home i’ve known

relieve me of

that mercy too

close the cage, draw the curtains

return to bed, throw on the covers

sleep tight, you mustn't wake

wait the night, let free your prey

wake up tomorrow,

restart the play.

(tear me down

limb by limb

watch the dawn

another day)