himynameislizzzz - Tumblr blog

[himynameislizzzz]

What a sad and confused little girl. 

I promise to grow up to be the a role model you never had and the total opposite of what once was. Mentally training myself. Working on myself. 

Te quiero mucho mi nina. 

01/22/2023 3:59pm

[himynameislizzzz]

Hahaha. 

I quickly glanced at the rest of these post. 

Unfortunately, not much has changed. Actually, wait, never mind. A lot has changed. I am slowly shifting and entering the best time of my life (or at least I’m going to make sure it will be). I am sitting at a Starbucks, attempting to finish up a couple things on my laptop until the crazy thought came to me. Writing a blog, creating a blog. I gathered some thoughts on Google Docs and remembered I once had a Tumblr. My “Online Diary”. Thankfully, I was able to regain access. In a nutshell, I’ve been working on myself. I go to 9am mass by myself, I go to the gym and I’ve slowly came to accept that I am not responsible for everyone else’s happiness besides mine. A tough pill to swallow when you come from an immigrant family where you’re the oldest girl. My goals have changed and my vision has changed. I am working on my career and have been actively navigating new job opportunities. Becoming a financial analyst became a goal and feel determine to reach it. I’m praying for it and trying for it. Isolated myself from home to focus on myself. 

“You will not grow as a person if you’re worried about everyone else’s happiness”.

I’m putting myself first, learning who I am, learning to love myself. 

I think I’ll be back on here. 

I love you Liz. La vida en tan bella, aprovechala.  01/22/2023 3:50pm 

[himynameislizzzz]

WTF. YEAR 2020????¿¿

I was laying in bed. Organizing my phone and cleaning up the apps I had on here. Until I saw tumblr. I was going to delete it until I remembered I actually wrote on this app. I vented on here. Fuck, I didn’t think it was this fucking long!!! 4 years. 4 years ago was the last time I wrote on here. I was a high school senior. Now...I’m a 5th year college student that to be honest is barely getting by. Chegg is literally allowing me to fucking pass because I have no idea what I’m doing. Just this weekend, I thought, you know I should probably be investing more time into studying. This is actually interesting! You know what the problem is? I’m FREAKING LAZY AS FUCK. Some things never change. I really can’t believe I was the saddest person ever about 4 years ago. I want to say I’m happier, but I’d be lying if I were to say that. I’ve learn how to cope a little buttttt..it’s been the same depressing story. I’m tired. I seemed to recapitate just a little. Idc anymore i just want to avoid problems. But, is that really helping my mental health? I’m sleepy. I’m tired. I have a full time now. I should probably head to bed. Crazy to think I’m back. 4. Years. Later....

[himynameislizzzz]

2:33 AM

I'm sad. It's sad that I'm sad. I shouldn't. I'm blessed. I'm healthy, I have family who supports and love me unconditionally. I feel selfish for saying that I am sad. I wish to grow to love myself one day. To be obsessed with myself. To love life. How do I get there? I'm currently trying self motivation and reading and listening to soul music. Something that definitely boosts my energy, the love. I love you God. Please help me be a happy individual. Lately, I have been craving love from a partner. Someone I am able to call my lover. However, it is better to begin by loving myself first. Theirs been so many times a couple young gentlemen attempted to give it a try and start a relationship....however, I shut it down before they even tried pulling a move. I thought, I'd get too distracted. I wasn't ready. I didn't feel ready. Now, I want to be ready. I want to feel loved by someone and love someone else. I crave a kiss. A sexual hug. I'm puzzled. I want to find true love so bad but I don't want to be heartbroken :(. I guess that's selfish though... Is it me? Am I the problem? I try to ease up my thoughts by constantly telling myself, I may be a late bloomer and that patience is key. To my future lover, I will make you feel lucky. I will love you purely. I just want someone with the same likings as I do. To the fish in the sea, I will wait. (Is that a good move to make, to wait?) December 16, 2016. 2:47 AM (RIP KING CAPITAL STEEZ. 47 FOREVER)

[himynameislizzzz]

Day 0

I feel something within me. I want to find myself. Who I truly I am. Exploring. I want to love myself....how do i get there? What do I do? I just want to be happy with myself. I want to be confortable with myself. I want to LOVE myself. I will get there. I'll be there. October 26, 2016 11:47am

[himynameislizzzz]

15th day

Emotionally tired. Is money really everything? I hope the future goes as planned. Expecting the unexpected. Sad. Wait, I'm in good health! Why am I complaining!!!! August 4th, 2016 12:02 am

[himynameislizzzz]

14th day (continued)

....in the middle of the night. Writing, to myself, trying to get my emotions straight as my stomach growls of either nervousness or hunger.. I tell you why, I'm less than a month away from moving out into school and officially becoming a college student. Second, I have a "date" with this guy. I don't think he considers it a date we'll because...well because...I don't know. I just don't feel he is. I guess it's just plans we have together, he hasn't offered me a ride, so I'm assuming he's picking me up since he said: "I say you come with me if you aren't busy?" (His words exactly). I feel to embarrassed to ask is he's licking me up. I'm just hoping he is or else I'll look kind've dumb. The guys is handsome, of course, but idk...I don't think he's necessarily my "type". Then again, what is it actually that I'm looking for? Not to mention, people always say unexpected relationships are the best ones. Perhaps this is one of those scenarios? I don't know. I just hope later this afternoon goes well. Definitely.....coming back to write all about it. I never really gone out with a boy, to a place before so this is a first. I'm nervous, kinda excited..idk. Maybe this is his thousand, having a girl sit in his passenger seat, that's what kills me. I guess he just looks at me more than a friend. I really don't know. I just I just act chill and myself tomorrow. That'll determine it, I'm sure. WHATEVER, I'M GOING TO ACT MYSELF AND THAT'S IT!!! Hmm..some tips/advice? Anyone??? July 28, 2016. 2:44 am

[himynameislizzzz]

14th day 2:27 am

Back. I deleted this app to have availability on my phone for music and other apps, typical, I know. Glance through the 13th day.....seconds ago.... I GRADUATED. I remember writing, as a stress reliever. I felt alone. I felt tired. Emotionally unstable. Locked in a sad world. But most importantly, broken. Luckily, I thank the lord(or did I already thank him) things got way, way, way, way, way, way better! Effing relieved. On to the 2/3rd month of summer vacation. It's been effffing great. I got a job(which is ok, thankful) which keeps me busy and I can finally say I'm doing something with my summer. I graduated. Survived. Graduated with high honors, accomplished. Effing accomplished! And now preparing for the next step, college! I unexpectedly woke up from my sleep and it hit me. I'm truly going to miss living at home. Worry free of school...... Although I've been dying to move out already I know already I may cry when I'm in my college dorm. Boy, oh boy, I have to make the best of it dude! Here I am....

[himynameislizzzz]

13th day 11:50 p.m

My apologies. Messed up on all my days.

No one is happy in the house… No rules, no ‘authority’.

I’m too bossy, too mad, too serious, too much of a party pooper.

-“Relax” -“Calm down” -“Shut up” -“Leave me alone” -“What do you want from me” -“Why are you so mad?” -“What’s your problem?”

Mom is too exhausted No one ever listens to her.

Dad hates his life. Hates responsibilities. Never ever tells anyone anything just when he needs money.

Older sister “owns the world”, no one can ever tell her anything. She’s 20. Pays no rent, pays no respect, lives by mom and dad.

Mom and dad: tired of her lamenting about her poor childhood…reason why she does what she wants.

Middle: She needs more. Never conscious of others. ME FIRST, unfortunately does not realize that’s her motto.

Lil: Too caught up in the social media act. Confused.

I: Tired. Worried. Overwhelmed.

*PAUSE ( Had to check up on Lil, who was glued to the TV. Unfortunately, father says nothing )

I feel like crying. Look after one, look after another. Aggravated by father. Worried about mother…….heartbroken.

March 25, 2016. 12:04 a.m

[himynameislizzzz]

11th day 10:46 p.m

Mami deserves better. Mami deserves a valedictorian child. Mami deserves a better husband. Mami deserves appreciative, thankful, respectful, considering, caring, unselfish children. I will make her proud. Even if it’s 1 of 4. I WILL! I have to change. I need to stick with it. Get it together. Mami is getting older. You need to give her the best you can. I have a mom made of pure love and all we do, her freaking children, is take advantage. Sickening. She deserved better. I will let her know she is the BEST MOST IN THE WORLD. March 22, 2016. 10:50 p.m

[himynameislizzzz]

8th day 12:28 am

Am I doing things correctly? So confused with life. Is it my fault? I don't deserve to be blessed with such laid back parents. I don't deserve my mom I'm sorry March 20, 2016 12:30 a.m

[himynameislizzzz]

8th day 12:28 am

Am I doing things correctly? So confused with life. Is it my fault? I don't deserve to be blessed with such laid back parents. I don't deserve my mom I'm sorry March 20, 2016 12:30 a.m

[himynameislizzzz]

9th day 11:24 p.m

Things are starting to ease up. Realizing I'm very blessed. I just have not been having my head in the right directions. I'm exited. I feel the love within my family. Moments like these are the ones I never want to let go. I want to be a strong and independent WOMEN. I can't wait for the future. God, please, help me with the next chapter of my life. I want 2016 to be "THE" year for all my loved ones. The year of transition, love, positivity and much more. I will begin to be a positive being, and nice to all. I have little time to be with my family. Soon, if allowed, I'll be living away. Studying. And beginning the path for who I want to become. A nurse. Senior year. I'm ready, remain strong. College, I'm scared of you but I'm sure you are doable! Life is crazy. We shall all cherish. Spread love and positivity, that will change your surroundings to become warm hearted beings. I believe in so. Please, dear me, remain like this. Love life. Keep moving, progress, be nice! 2016 is your fucking year! Make moves bro! 11:31 p.m March.6.2016

[himynameislizzzz]

8th day 11:07 p.m

Don't know if it's just me being illusional or people in my household are selfish, inconsiderate, and not able to sacrifice for others. I hope this year changes my entire life. I want to love life. Cherish every moment. It doesn't seem to happen. Jealous of those whose life is going in the right direction and things are going their way. Can it please be my turn? I want to fall in love with life, nature, people, EVERYTHING! Sometimes....sometimes I feel like I'm the parent. I'm too worried about life and other people that I'm not enjoying mines. Especially these bittersweet years, adolescence. I want to feel 17! I feel misplaced. Odd. And sometimes living in the wrong generation.....perhaps. So many people that actually find their match! And then theirs me. Don't feel I can relate to anyone. I know I'm shy and I hate that about me. Can that be an inherited trait as I read in my psych book earlier today? I want to feel free, free spirited, love myself, love my soul and love everything that I have in life. I feel selfish. Is this being selfish? 11:42 March 5.2016

[himynameislizzzz]

7th day 10:38 p.m

Think i'm going to live on campus… I need change I pray to God this plan works. Before starting high school, I thought I was going to meet my ultimate best friend. One exactly like me. One who likes rap music, one who wanted to better themselves. I was wrong. Didn't even find one soul close to that....and I thought my high school was "BIG" I hope I meet pretty rad people. People who I can't relate to on multiple levels. We should meet someone just asked me perhaps you more competitive than I am right now for the keep me on my toes and get me to the place I want to be my sophomore year of college Goodnight. 10:45 p.m 3/4/2016

[himynameislizzzz]

6th day 6:05 p.m

I want to feel like I’m on top of the world again…. 6:05 p.m March.3.2016

[himynameislizzzz]

5th day 11:35 p.m

Friday night. Scrolling down Facebook post. On memory lane...literally! Crazy how life works. This year I'll be 18. I've come a long way and still have a lot to walk through life. I learn everyday and so happy for that. I'm super privileged and don't take it for granted. It's just mind blowing. Life goes in circles! LITERALLY! Man. I wish everyone the best. We all become adults, people change. Other stay in a premature mentality (no offense to those who suffer from mental disorders). In other words, some mature however others don't. Afraid to step into a new chapter, called LIFE. Sometimes I want to be a "teen" forever and sometimes I want to be an adult so bad. Wish all including myself good luck in life. Follow your dreams! Be happy, humble, appreciative, and care for thy neighbor. Always! Heads up. Stay positive. Patience is key guys. Patience is key. 11:42 p.m Feb.26.16