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honeybea0405-blog · 5 years

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Mental Oof.

Something on my mind and chest..for the past 5 months. Panic. Damn that word gives me a jump in the chest. It might seem like nothing to some people. Maybe people who have never experienced this happen to themselves, or a loved one might be confused about it. Which is totally normal. How could you know unless you have felt it, or witnessed it before? Many others do have an idea as they know of, or have even seen this occurrence before. Though, the third crowd is where many people including myself, fit in.

A reference comes to mind. There was this episode of Survivor where a player had a panic attack while sitting on the side lines of a challenge. She began to seem flustered and dizzy. She said she felt faint and her face was tingling. She stood up as if her legs did it before her mind could process it. An instinct for distraction. Frantic and saying “I’m fine, I’m fine.” Then sitting in the shade, she further explained how her body felt numb and she couldn’t breathe. When she turned to the on set doctor and asked “you’re not gonna let me die, are you?” I immediately couldn’t control my tears. I felt it deep inside of my bones. I was crying before I could process. I didn’t even feel the tears coming, they just did and I couldn’t stop. My heart broke when I heard her say those words to Dr. Joe. I felt her fear and pain in my soul.

My point here is how my reaction would make zero sense to an outsider. I can acknowledge that this scene in Survivor looked completely minuscule and well, what’s the big deal? But I am not an outsider. I have felt every ounce of the world crashing down before my body while others walk around about their business like any other normal day. Seeing is not feeling and I never understood that fully until my first panic attack. I could give you every single detail of that day down to the clothes I was wearing if you asked me.

Fast forward a decade later, where I have good days turn into good weeks and one bad night turn into several horrifying months. For the past 5 months, I have been struggling with my panic disorder more than I have in my entire life. Honestly, I hate to admit that more than you could imagine. I have always had panic attacks and extreme anxiety. Although, one night in late November, when I found myself drowning in the air that I could not breathe, a whole new mountain surfaced. A familiar mountain I haven’t seen in quite sometime, and this time it was much bigger. I have been screaming at the mountain crying confusion and banging my head against it’s rocks. What are you teaching me and why are you making me dig this up?

This mountain continued to follow me everywhere I went, which soon became very limited. Even in my own home, much too close for comfort. The following week especially, I couldn’t even hold things in my own hands knowing every five minutes I would not be able to control another fall. Spills, broken pieces, crushed objects, jumping at shadows. Ok one moment, then standing up telling myself I am fine while my mind straggles behind delayed in process the next. Sitting on the floor practicing breathing with blowing bubbles-yes bubbles..So I don’t lose it again. “Oh my god, pull my hair, grasp my face- reality is too far- arms and legs fling, knocking over anything standing in my path- How did I get to the other side of the room? Flick my wristband 10 times. Someone help, but no one come near me please. 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can touch. Lay down, wake up in a fright. Where am I? I can actually see my chest pounding. My hand pulsing with it as it grips above my heart. Nightmares, terror, nails digging deep where blood crescents later appear.

The amount of energy it takes for me to leave my house, even today, matches my mountain’s hand. As if they cannot stop raising in a poker game. And I know my breath is at stake. Now, my sanity. I want my energy to win, but it cannot last. Stop throwing away my peace and calm. I cannot win this. Home is uneasy, car rides are those tanks of water with padlocks and chains and I almost cannot find the key fast enough.. Work is a deathtrap. Parties, malls, and people are all of the above. Yes, I push myself everyday and I am doing it. I am not stopping. But I am tired and I feel isolated even when I am with friends. I cannot remember how to function, how to speak normally, hold a conversation, or just be there. My silence was not meant to put anybody off. It was the result of trying to put my panic off. On the edge. Negotiating with it inside of my head. So I can still be a good friend, sister, daughter, cousin, coworker, etc. I get so lost. I am trying so hard to balance my calm and keep living my life. I feel like it backfires. I cannot just let it win, though. Yet, fighting it still feels like I’m losing.

I want people to know it is okay to have these struggles and you are not alone. Fighting it hurts, but breathing becomes easier with time if you let it. I want people to consider maybe just maybe he, or she needs support when their silence and uneasy vibes tend to overwhelm their entire company. We are not bad people, we do not hate being around people we love. We are not unpleasant company. We are scared. We are confused. We have lost touch with reality at times. Many, many times.

I want everyone who struggles with this to know you deserve love, support, and a fun loving life. I see you and I hear you. I hope many more people do as well.

If your child, sibling, friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, or loved one of any sort- Heck if you see a stranger struggling.. A warm smile goes a long way. It is not someone else’s job to save someone else, but I am a firm believer in helping the helpless. Because at one time, or another we are all helpless. The cycle goes on. Everyone deserves help and no one should feel guilty about it.

So if you need help, I hope you find the strength to seek it.

And if you’ve got a kind and genuine heart, offer a hand next time you find someone who is lost. If I could explain it as best as possible, I would say it is a person holding their map upside down. Yeah, they will eventually figure it out. But right now their whole world is upside dow. So, if you see it, why not offer a helping hand? If you can. A simple gesture could make all the difference in a person’s life. It is not always the map that anchors our life, it is the support.

At times, I wish someone had told me that I was just confused and that is okay. Here, take my hand, the ground is right here. You can do this. I am here.

-You will be okay. You are just confused. Or scared. Or lost. Whatever it is, it is okay to feel these things. Take my hand, the ground is right here. You can do this. I am here.-

#panic #anxitey #peace #love #strength

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