hopefaith21-blog

[hopefaith21-blog]

Who do you think you are?

Why is this a competition?

Can't you see the hurt in my eyes?

I feel it in my chest

All the stress and worry

You don't seem to care.

[hopefaith21-blog]

Are you better

Better than me

Are you better

Better than she

Can you do it better

Better at night

Can you make it better

Better not to fight

What make you better

Better than me

What makes you better

Better than she?

[hopefaith21-blog]

Hello cruel world. What do you need from me now? I want to create! To be important. To see the fruit of my labor bloom. To see my posterity grow. What will happen after my body fails me? Will my soul continue on? Is there that beautiful afterlife that I want to believe in? I would love to be able to see all my loved ones after I have left them here in this realm. Yet, my mind holds me back from believing that it would be so. It breaks apart all of the things I've been told about Heaven. How impossible that all of those things co-exist. How there is no definite answer to the question. What happens next? We don't know and the people who have gone before us either cannot say or … they stopped existing. What if we are just a ball of energy? Do we get to know how everything turns out? Maybe we are just wiped clean and everything was… nothing? just a bump in the road… If at the end of your life you just stop existing what would your life amount to? what did you do that would leave an impression for the future generations? Hopefully it's not negative. Do or ordain and establish this constitution for ourselves and our posterity. Posterity… our future generations. The ones we leave behind.

Left Behind. A great title for a book. My dad left us behind. On the 4th of July he shot himself and died. Did he know what he was doing when he did it? Was he so depressed that he couldn't wait to see grandma? Why… He didn't plan it that is evident. There was no note. No explanation as to what lead up to those events. He just left us all behind. I wonder if he regrets it. Is he able to understand what his life was and how it affected others. Or maybe he is just consumed by the eb an flow of energy in the world. In the universe? How far can our energy travel? How far can we go?

[hopefaith21-blog]

Once, I went to Burger King, and there was a long line in the dining room. The cashier was being yelled at by a customer, and a lot of people felt bad to see her cry. She smiled through her tears, but her nose ran. She wiped the tears and her nose with the back side of her hand. The next lady in line said she was sorry for what the man said, like it was her fault. They plotted out how to say just the thing to make this young girl cry. The girls said it was fine, and she would be ok. She ment it. She knew that this wasn't the end for her. She would get through it. Then she put the burgers in the bag without washing her hands, crying with a big smile on her face. That girl was strong and weak. She definitely should have never been the manager at this store, yet she was.

[hopefaith21-blog]

I'm fighting to keep you

Fighting to be excepted

But do you care

Can you see me struggling

[hopefaith21-blog]

Sometimes I don't know

Who will listen

Who will judge

I don't want the only things I say to be complaints

But I can't hold it all in forever

It makes me sad

I'm so sad...

[hopefaith21-blog]

What do you want from me

you want me to be inconsolable

do you want me to disapear into my bed and cry

or do you actually want me to be here

with you

Do you want me to give up

or do you want me to be here

doing things

because you can't have both

you have to choose

I've been choosing over and over and over again

to be OK even though I'm not

been choosing all of this

over and over again because what else is there

Is that OK

[hopefaith21-blog]

Feel the pulse beneath your skin

The weight of your chest expanding with each breath

It will be ok.

Lift your head

Shoulders back

You've got this!

One breath at a time

It may be hard now

But it will end

There is a light at the end

Just one more breath

[hopefaith21-blog]

Acrost the room I see you there

Looking up from your chair

You're moody and in disrepair

But I can't help but want you right there

In that moment in that chair

With our clothes in disrepair

You can have right now right there

Your hands my hands all in the chair

And when we are done

The chair right there in disrepair

[hopefaith21-blog]

Hey you

Your smile means the world to me

I work so hard just to see it

I want you

Want to see you happy

It's a dream to wake in your arms

Don't forget your worth

[hopefaith21-blog]

Feeling down

Wishing you were around

Hopless in my head

Wishing I was dead

I thought I found my spot

Maybe it was just too hot

You couldn't chase all the darkness away

So here i stand today

Not wanting to go

Not wanting to know

Reaching out

Help me

[hopefaith21-blog]

Its astounding

Breath taking really

To feel so wanted and loved

Every step met with optimism

Growing in love together

When I falter you hold my hand

Leading the way

So sure its right

I have no choice but to believe you

The way you love me

Makes me love you

So I push you forward as I leap ahead

My worries aren't gone

Just met with reason

Together we can do anything

[hopefaith21-blog]

I'm finally starting to care a little less

I still wonder how you are

I don't worry as much about the silence

I still miss your voice

Listening less to the destructive thoughts

I still have love for you

I'm giving my time to others

I still think about you

Its just not as painful

[hopefaith21-blog]

I'm dieing

And you don't even know

Going crazy

A bit further every day

The tears fall

But the smile hides it well

Mind splintering

Unfocused and confused

Lost to thought

Shutting down

You don't even know

You don't know me at all

[hopefaith21-blog]

OK, I'm mad at you. You have taken away my faith. You took the logic that has always been there and pitted it against my barely tangible faith, and it won. It didn't bother me that much when you were standing beside me,ready to battle the chaos together. Now you are gone I'm so empty and alone I have a hard time just being alive. Yet I'm still drawn to you... I just want it it stop. Where will this end?

[hopefaith21-blog]

I can't help it

I'm addicted like a drug

Everything reminds me if you

Its so frustrating

I want to text you

I want to call

But most of all

I want to see you

Even though it wrenches my heart

I don't want to be apart

How can I forget you?

[hopefaith21-blog]

At what point do you stop messaging first?