HP Crack!Fic Fest 2022: Reveals!
And that's all they wrote, folks! To those who participated, y'all are seriously the absolute best. I had an awesome third year of HP Crack!Fic Fest, and I hope you all did too!
Now all of our lovely participants can thank people for their comments, show off (rightly) anywhere they social, and repost their works wherever they like!
MASTERLIST REVEALS
Title: Court Me!
Author: Dark (Chelonie), Scarpath
Rating: R
Title: Endurance for Hospitality
Author: @diandrastrikesback
Rating: NC-17
Title: “Former Headmaster,” oil (and occasionally mixed media) on canvas, 2010
Author: nocturn
Rating: PG-13
Title: Shit Happens
Author: @nv-md
Rating: R
Title: Veridicere
Author: @voldemorts-tap-shoes
Rating: R
Title: Sweeter than Fiction
Author: @adenei
Rating: NC-17
Title: Oh, We Stamp and Crush Through the Underbrush
Author: @miffmiff
Rating: PG-13
Title: Go to Hell, Lucius Malfoy
Author: @mumka-fanfic
Rating: PG-13
Title: Severus Snape's Darkest Secret
Author: @namara-ashina
Rating: G
Title: Weasel Into Your Heart
Author: @vitaminpops
Rating: R
Title: Severus Snape, Yoga Teacher
Author: @deliciousblizzardshark
Rating: PG-13
Title: keeping score
Author: @talkingtravesties
Rating: NC-17
Title: not as intended
Author: @fantasyborn
Rating: G
Title: Behind Every Great Man… Is a Very Angry Hermione Granger
Author: ottersholdinghands
Rating: PG-13
Title: Yer A Muggle, Michael
Author: Kenzlepuff
Rating: PG-13
Title: Girl Boss
Author: @edie-k
Rating: PG-13
Title: Sabotaging Umbridge
Author: @theslytheringurl
Rating: R
Title: Always Knock
Author: @celestemagnoliathewriter
Rating: NC-17
Title: Bogle’d Down
Author: @drwhoisginnyholmes
Rating: G
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HP Crack!Fic Fest 2022: Anonymous Masterlist
And here's our final Anonymous Masterlist for HP Crack!Fic Fest 2022! I was so incredibly pleased to see everyone who came back to participate and support us for our third year! Thank you all so, so much, and welcome to all the new people as well!
Reveals will be going up this coming Friday October 21. Thank you so much to everyone who has shown their support thus far - we cannot appreciate you enough! <3
ANONYMOUS MASTERLIST
Title: Court Me!
Rating: R
Summary: Voldemort is terrified of Bellatrix. The answer, clearly, is to court Harry Potter. Shut up, Nagini, it does too make sense!
Title: Endurance for Hospitality
Rating: NC-17
Summary: “What, Lupin?” “I just thought… maybe you were… coming to pay your respects?” he said, losing certainty as he trailed off. Really, Snape thought, toying with the idea that he, Severus Snape, would visit Lupin while he was mourning Snape’s own mortal enemy. The idea was almost laughable. He reached the landing to the top floor and grinned to himself. Visiting Lupin, ha. Impossible! But why would Lupin assume… Had others been…?
Title: “Former Headmaster,” oil (and occasionally mixed media) on canvas, 2010
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Severus didn’t want to admit it, but waking after the war to find himself two-dimensional—with no life-endangering missions, duplicity, or outlets for his self-hatred—was… rather boring. At first.
Title: Shit Happens
Rating: R
Summary: Harry was more than a little nervous about his date with Draco, so he took a Calming Draught...and if only Harry wasn't so bloody stupid, things might've turned out differently.
Title: Veridicere
Rating: R
Summary: When unlikely partners Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger get hit with a truth hex during an investigation, they're in for a rough night of honesty.
Title: Sweeter than Fiction
Rating: NC-17
Summary: In a perfect world, grad student Hermione Granger would never have to worry about any distractions while studying at her favorite place in the world. Too bad there' a new (and ridiculously) sexy librarian waiting in the stacks to sweep her off her feet. Too bad he's completely inadept at his job—or so she thinks.
Title: Oh, We Stamp and Crush Through the Underbrush
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Determined to follow in his father's footsteps, Harry tries desperately to become an animagus. Good news: he succeeds. Bad news: his form is an elephant and he's unable to change back.
Title: Go to Hell, Lucius Malfoy
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Everyone tells Lucius Malfoy to go to tell. Well, why the Hell not?
Title: Severus Snape's Darkest Secret
Rating: G
Summary: Severus Snape has a secret he will take to the grave.
Title: Weasel Into Your Heart
Rating: R
Summary: A prank switches the bodies of Ron and the nearest living creature—a rat. So, naturally, when running late to a date with longtime crush and colleague, Draco Malfoy, Ron employs any means necessary to get there.
Title: Severus Snape, Yoga Teacher
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Severus Snape was a yoga teacher. Severus Snape was alive. Harry was faintly aware he was gaping like a fish. Severus Snape was at the front of the yoga classroom (studio? Gymnasium?), talking to a student, his hair pulled in a small bun on the back of his head. Severus Snape wore trousers that left nothing to the imagination. Severus Snape was hung.
Title: keeping score
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter begin a game of who can find the best (or most ridiculous) place in the Ministry for them to fool around in. Potter has the upper hand, but Draco is determined to win.
Title: not as intended
Rating: G
Summary: It’s amazing really, how quickly good things can go to hell in a handbasket. One second, he’s talking with Sirius - his GODFATHER who wants Harry to live with him! - and the next, Professor Lupin’s turning into a werewolf.
Title: Behind Every Great Man… Is a Very Angry Hermione Granger
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It’s Hermione Granger versus the Bechdel test. Who do you expect to win?
Title: Yer A Muggle, Michael
Rating: PG-13
Summary: How does a Muggle make it through Hogwarts?
Title: Girl Boss
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Voldemort thought that he had an elite group of followers, feared by his opposition and admired by Purebloods.
Title: Sabotaging Umbridge
Rating: R
Summary: The Hogwarts faculty team up to make Umbridge's time at Hogwarts a bit more interesting. Bad jokes, movie quotes, muggle products, beloved cartoon characters turned into adult toys, and clouds of flatulence are loosed upon the hallowed halls of Hoggy, Hoggy, Hogwarts.
Title: Always Knock
Rating: NC-17
Summary: It wasn’t until the summer of 1995 that Ginny Weasley learned how to knock on all doors before she opened them. It was the summer she learned just what the Order members were up to when they weren’t on missions - and she’d never see any of them the same way again.
Title: Bogle’d Down
Rating: G
Summary: Severus is gifted a magical mixie toy that has been charmed. As obnoxious as the toy is, it surprisingly provides him with something more than he bargained for, a friend.
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HP Crack!Fic Fest 2022: Weekly Round-Up (3)
And that’s all they wrote! We’ve come to the end of another great round of posting for HP Crack!Fic Fest!
Our Anonymous Masterlist will be coming on Tuesday October 18, and this round will conclude with the Masterlist Author Reveals posting on Friday October 21.
Until that time, please do continue to enjoy our 2022 submissions and give kudos/comments/etc. to all those who’ve participated!
WEEK 3
Title: Behind Every Great Man… Is a Very Angry Hermione Granger
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It’s Hermione Granger versus the Bechdel test. Who do you expect to win?
Title: Yer A Muggle, Michael
Rating: PG-13
Summary: How does a Muggle make it through Hogwarts?
Title: Girl Boss
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Voldemort thought that he had an elite group of followers, feared by his opposition and admired by Purebloods.
Title: Sabotaging Umbridge
Rating: R
Summary: The Hogwarts faculty team up to make Umbridge's time at Hogwarts a bit more interesting. Bad jokes, movie quotes, muggle products, beloved cartoon characters turned into adult toys, and clouds of flatulence are loosed upon the hallowed halls of Hoggy, Hoggy, Hogwarts.
Title: Always Knock
Rating: NC-17
Summary: It wasn’t until the summer of 1995 that Ginny Weasley learned how to knock on all doors before she opened them. It was the summer she learned just what the Order members were up to when they weren’t on missions - and she’d never see any of them the same way again.
Title: Bogle’d Down
Rating: G
Summary: Severus is gifted a magical mixie toy that has been charmed. As obnoxious as the toy is, it surprisingly provides him with something more than he bargained for, a friend.
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FEST FIC: Bogle’d Down (G)
Title: Bogle’d Down
Author: @drwhoisginnyholmes
Prompt: Self-prompt: Snape is gifted a charmed Mixies Magic Cauldron toy.
Rating: G
Pairing(s): None
Word Count: 5k
Warning(s)/Content: No Warnings Apply
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Severus is gifted a magical mixie toy that has been charmed. As obnoxious as the toy is, it surprisingly provides him with something more than he bargained for, a friend.
Notes: Thank you to my betas and the mod for their never-ending patience. <3
Read on AO3
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FEST FIC: Always Knock (NC-17)
Title: Always Knock
Author: @celestemagnoliathewriter
Prompt: #42
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Molly Weasley/Arthur Weasley, Sirius Black/Kingsley Shacklebolt, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Hestia Jones/Emmeline Vance, Sirius Black/Emmeline Vance, Arthur Weasley/Kingsley Shacklebolt, Molly Weasley/Sirius Black/Hestia Jones
Word Count: 1.8k
Warning(s)/Content: allusions to sexual content, mature, but not explicit descriptions of sexual acts and consensual sexual activities
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: It wasn’t until the summer of 1995 that Ginny Weasley learned how to knock on all doors before she opened them. It was the summer she learned just what the Order members were up to when they weren’t on missions - and she’d never see any of them the same way again.
Read on AO3
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FEST FIC: Sabotaging Umbridge (R)
Title: Sabotaging Umbridge
Author: @theslytheringurl
Prompt: #40 The twins (or the Marauders, if you want a different era) set up a black market in Muggle items at Hogwarts. Ball point pens, cigarettes, Haribo gummy bears, Muggle comic books... you name it!
Rating: R
Pairing(s): None
Word Count: 19k
Warning(s)/Content: Rating for language, terrible jokes, and sex toy explanations. If you are looking for lemons or smut you won't find it here.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic/Warner Bro's. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended. This is a complete Parody.
Summary: The Hogwarts faculty team up to make Umbridge's time at Hogwarts a bit more interesting. Bad jokes, movie quotes, muggle products, beloved cartoon characters turned into adult toys, and clouds of flatulence are loosed upon the hallowed halls of Hoggy, Hoggy, Hogwarts.
Notes: Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus. I solemnly swear Hogwarts is up to no good. Originally written for the HP Crack Fest. This is a complete farce. Quite a few liberties were taken with the timeline of Harry Potter, the timeline of when products were actually created/became available to the public, etc. For the sake of everyone’s sanity, since I have not lived in the UK, any products not available there IRL are for the purposes of this story. Honestly, I do not know what I was thinking as this poured out of me. I blame sugar, caffeine, alcohol when it got later into the day, and lack of sleep. Thank you to my lovely beta's LateModelDirt, and RavenclawGreen28
Read on AO3
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FEST FIC: Girl Boss (PG-13)
Title: Girl Boss
Author: @edie-k
Prompt: Voldemort notices that he only has two female DEs and he decides to make a Lady Death Eater division. It's terrible. He does all the stupid things corporations do to get women customers, like making the tattoo pink or promising easier raids. A severe backlash to his sexism, led by Bellatrix, teaches him the error of his ways.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): None
Word Count: 2.1k
Warning(s)/Content: None
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Voldemort thought that he had an elite group of followers, feared by his opposition and admired by Purebloods.
Read on AO3
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FEST FIC: Yer A Muggle, Michael (PG-13)
Title: Yer A Muggle, Michael
Author: Kenzlepuff
Prompt: #5: When we last saw Cho Chang, she was dating Michael Corner. Later, it was revealed that she married a Muggle. They are the same person.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Cho Chang/Michael Corner
Word Count: 2k
Warning(s)/Content: Dumbledore bashing, no archive warnings apply
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: How does a Muggle make it through Hogwarts?
Notes: Enjoy!
Read on AO3
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FEST FIC: Behind Every Great Man… Is a Very Angry Hermione Granger (PG-13)
Title: Behind Every Great Man… Is a Very Angry Hermione Granger
Author: ottersholdinghands
Prompt: #85: Hermione realises the story of her life currently wouldn’t pass the Bechdel test. She’s determined to correct it. She ditches the boys, and recruits a lot (all?) of the female characters in the books to her crusade. Named and unnamed ones. Still, there’s an awful lot of talking about Harry Potter and You-Know-Who, so they still fail the Bechdel test. Gaaah! There’s nothing to it. They have to get rid of Voldemort.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): N/A
Word Count: 10k
Warning(s)/Content: N/A
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: It’s Hermione Granger versus the Bechdel test. Who do you expect to win?
Notes: Huge thank you to fangqueen for putting on this fest! And an extra big thanks to HourlyLawyer for the beta and fixing my inappropriate usage of the em dash. Any remaining mistakes you find are enthusiastically mine. Before reading this fic, it is expected you have an understanding of what the Bechdel test is. If not, hop on over to Wikipedia for a quick gander. (What? This fic has prerequisites?!) (Sorry, not sorry. I promise it’s worth your while.)
Read on AO3
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HP Crack!Fic Fest 2022: Weekly Round-Up (2)
We’ve come to the end of another amazing week of posting! Here is the collective post of all the submissions we had the pleasure of viewing this week. We have one more week to come, so please stay tuned!
WEEK 2
Title: Go to Hell, Lucius Malfoy
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Everyone tells Lucius Malfoy to go to tell. Well, why the Hell not?
Title: Severus Snape's Darkest Secret
Rating: G
Summary: Severus Snape has a secret he will take to the grave.
Title: Weasel Into Your Heart
Rating: R
Summary: A prank switches the bodies of Ron and the nearest living creature—a rat. So, naturally, when running late to a date with longtime crush and colleague, Draco Malfoy, Ron employs any means necessary to get there.
Title: Severus Snape, Yoga Teacher
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Severus Snape was a yoga teacher. Severus Snape was alive. Harry was faintly aware he was gaping like a fish. Severus Snape was at the front of the yoga classroom (studio? Gymnasium?), talking to a student, his hair pulled in a small bun on the back of his head. Severus Snape wore trousers that left nothing to the imagination. Severus Snape was hung.
Title: keeping score
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter begin a game of who can find the best (or most ridiculous) place in the Ministry for them to fool around in. Potter has the upper hand, but Draco is determined to win.
Title: not as intended
Rating: G
Summary: It’s amazing really, how quickly good things can go to hell in a handbasket. One second, he’s talking with Sirius - his GODFATHER who wants Harry to live with him! - and the next, Professor Lupin’s turning into a werewolf.
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FEST FIC: not as intended (G)
Title: not as intended
Author: @fantasyborn
Prompt: #29 - Desperate not to get mauled by Lupin in his werewolf form, Harry remembers Lockhart's spell for defeating werewolves and casts it on a whim. Instead of being a vicious werewolf, Lupin is now a vicious pomeranian
Rating: G
Pairing(s): N/A
Word Count: 1k
Warning(s)/Content: N/A
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: It’s amazing really, how quickly good things can go to hell in a handbasket. One second, he’s talking with Sirius - his GODFATHER who wants Harry to live with him! - and the next, Professor Lupin’s turning into a werewolf.
Notes: when i was going through prompts, i had to grab this one. it made me laugh. thanks to kat for beta-ing for me! and to the ever lovely fangqueen for running this fest!
Read on AO3
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FEST FIC: keeping score (NC-17)
Title: keeping score
Author: @talkingtravesties
Prompt: 27 - Harry and Draco are friends with benefits. They play a sex game in the Ministry of Magic, where they find increasingly random places for lovemaking. I'd like quill cupboards, wand storage rooms and wherever else floats your boat.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Harry/Draco
Word Count: 3.4k
Warning(s)/Content: None
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter begin a game of who can find the best (or most ridiculous) place in the Ministry for them to fool around in. Potter has the upper hand, but Draco is determined to win.
Read on AO3
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FEST FIC: Severus Snape, Yoga Teacher (PG-13)
Title: Severus Snape, Yoga Teacher
Author: @deliciousblizzardshark
Prompt: self-prompt
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Word Count: 5k
Warning(s)/Content: None
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Severus Snape was a yoga teacher. Severus Snape was alive. Harry was faintly aware he was gaping like a fish. Severus Snape was at the front of the yoga classroom (studio? Gymnasium?), talking to a student, his hair pulled in a small bun on the back of his head. Severus Snape wore trousers that left nothing to the imagination. Severus Snape was hung.
Notes: Hi! Thanks for the mods for this awesome fest. I was inspired to write this by hippocrates460's amazing Andrew, 38 because I just find the idea of Snape becoming a yoga teacher so incredibly funny.
Read on AO3
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FEST FIC: Weasel Into Your Heart (R)
Title: Weasel Into Your Heart
Author: @vitaminpops
Prompt: self-prompt “Ratatouille AU. By accident, character A switches bodies with a small animal and can't reverse the process. So, naturally, character A pilots their human body like a mecha so they don't be late to this date with character B. Shenanigans ensue.”
Rating: R
Pairing(s): Ron Weasley/Draco Malfoy
Word Count: 3.7k
Warning(s)/Content: sexual implications
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: A prank switches the bodies of Ron and the nearest living creature—a rat. So, naturally, when running late to a date with longtime crush and colleague, Draco Malfoy, Ron employs any means necessary to get there.
Notes: there’s rats so I hope you enjoy
Read on AO3
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FEST FIC: Severus Snape's Darkest Secret (G)
Title: Severus Snape's Darkest Secret
Author: @namara-ashina
Prompt: Self Prompt: Severus Snape has an unusual animagus form
Rating: G
Pairing(s): None
Word Count: 200
Warning(s)/Content: None
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Severus Snape has a secret he will take to the grave.
Read on AO3
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FEST FIC: Go to Hell, Lucius Malfoy (PG-13)
Title: Go to Hell, Lucius Malfoy
Author: @mumka-fanfic
Prompt: Self-prompt
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Lucius Malfoy & Devil
Word Count: 1.8k
Warning(s)/Content: References to the Devil
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Everyone tells Lucius Malfoy to go to tell. Well, why the Hell not?
Notes: Thank you CelesteMagnolia for making this piece what it is now!
Read on AO3
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HP Crack!Fic Fest 2022: Weekly Round-Up (1)
I am blown away by this year’s start to HP Crack!Fic Fest! Here is the collective post of all the submissions we had the pleasure of viewing this week. There is more to come, so please stay tuned!
WEEK 1
Title: Court Me!
Rating: R
Summary: Voldemort is terrified of Bellatrix. The answer, clearly, is to court Harry Potter. Shut up, Nagini, it does too make sense!
Title: Endurance for Hospitality
Rating: NC-17
Summary: “What, Lupin?” “I just thought… maybe you were… coming to pay your respects?” he said, losing certainty as he trailed off. Really, Snape thought, toying with the idea that he, Severus Snape, would visit Lupin while he was mourning Snape’s own mortal enemy. The idea was almost laughable. He reached the landing to the top floor and grinned to himself. Visiting Lupin, ha. Impossible! But why would Lupin assume… Had others been…?
Title: “Former Headmaster,” oil (and occasionally mixed media) on canvas, 2010
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Severus didn’t want to admit it, but waking after the war to find himself two-dimensional—with no life-endangering missions, duplicity, or outlets for his self-hatred—was… rather boring. At first.
Title: Shit Happens
Rating: R
Summary: Harry was more than a little nervous about his date with Draco, so he took a Calming Draught...and if only Harry wasn't so bloody stupid, things might've turned out differently.
Title: Veridicere
Rating: R
Summary: When unlikely partners Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger get hit with a truth hex during an investigation, they're in for a rough night of honesty.
Title: Sweeter than Fiction
Rating: NC-17
Summary: In a perfect world, grad student Hermione Granger would never have to worry about any distractions while studying at her favorite place in the world. Too bad there' a new (and ridiculously) sexy librarian waiting in the stacks to sweep her off her feet. Too bad he's completely inadept at his job—or so she thinks.
Title: Oh, We Stamp and Crush Through the Underbrush
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Determined to follow in his father's footsteps, Harry tries desperately to become an animagus. Good news: he succeeds. Bad news: his form is an elephant and he's unable to change back.
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