i-am-the-fourth-dimension

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

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[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

Good Morning

You don't need other people to be able to breathe or feel free restless passionate your surroundings are simply background noise

the threads intertwined connecting souls thoughts words into something more

Bodies shaping to fit the mold plagued by hearts so cold leaving piles of ash and bone at the feet of hopeful belief marking the soul to flow with the stroke beneath a love so bold.

To be complete on your own at least as a defense mechanism to make peace with your naive hope and not clutch your fist when letting go to declare your indifference towards decieving tongues as in to fill your decaying lungs with cancer smoke to kill off your doubt awoke

contrive lines make them lies not to be told.

The fine line between leeching and relying sharing and depending is far too blurry for my palette lost inside my own head I've unraveled all the damage

and your glimmering stare makes me feel at home and your arms around my neck make my heart decompose so I know we'll be alright

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

Mess

I’m built like a stack of pins in an abandoned alley I keep together form a sturdy shape yet I’m so afraid of falling over like a pastry hesitant to dip into milk so afraid I’ll crumble like a forest screaming “Here comes fresh fire!” So infatuated by the darkness whilst in the presence of light Will the moon not wait? Won’t the sun rise at another time? Because I can’t keep it together, when I’m around you I melt and my words keep getting jumbled, my fingers keep  knotting, I keep thinking I might be nothing, it might mean something. A stimulating essence, afraid to feel just to have it become fog, I don’t trust myself, just so scared of getting old, fast, stuttering to keep pace, being more myself each day, but I still keep wondering. I start steaming when you hold my hand, it’s like a feeling of uneasiness, but excitedly content, I keep fearing I might run you back by just being who I am, I just can’t seem to stay in tune, I dance around too clingy or too distant, when I’m away I stay awake. I can’t keep to myself, I feel like I could open any box in front of you even though I stay in this bottle, so my fingers say what my mouth can’t I’m sorry I’m such a mess

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

It Comes And Goes

Feeling like a tree, waiting for the wind to move me, to rustle my leaves, to bend my branches and let me reach my stump, or straighten my top so I could reach above the sky, to become divine, waiting on nature to connect me to man, but it tore my world like it was nothing new, so it became the same;

maybe I could never give enough, or take the weight of their love, maybe I lost my authenticity, the bark of my stem covered with moss, my being clouded in doubt, and I became too human, reflecting the traits that made them less human to begin with.

What makes us so alike and what draws us so infinitely apart?

Man to God, man to mind, man to soul, connected and departed, created and divided.

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

Rape Me

If you’re capable of making choices which knowingly hurt others then, darling, it’s a love not to be named of feeding the ego, your own insecurities, you should’ve known better, at least better than that. The only girl to ever rape me fades into a blurry face, a mispronounced name, a song I once wrote while still too young and bold. I strengthen my grip, but I let loose. My mind will forever remain stronger than my songs are.

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

Escapist

I think I'm losing you, to the tides which growth brings, the wind of doubt blowing, the air is humid, sour to the taste, and it's closing in on the coast, to flood the mind

And I don't think I'm brave enough to keep up I don't think I'm as close as I need to be

I can't swim in blind, but I stay in place, and I could only rotate into numbness as it all stays the same.

Some things get swallowed up before it all dries out, as the thread is ripped, we get struck by cold, shiver as night comes, and a dark-blue moon illuminates a half-barren land, and half-beaten hearts still wander.

I fall to my knees every time, it's the same sensation, a loss which punctures the soul, deafened cries into the wild, punching holes through the air, the scraping of dirt off the ground, until the sun rises

and I walk on wounded just a broken shell.

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

This Is Suicide

Love is free for the freed

not conditioned with reflection

not obligated to flow in cycle

in one dream it may be quiet in another it may be chaotic

the perception as such would not change

floating away into clouds so many memories ghosting so much poetry burdened with existence your thoughts they burn right through me like a fire an itch from within dementia, mental disfiguration

spreading across my skin that nostalgic aroma the flowers that stopped blooming are still draining

the flowers that only leaned towards a certain sun rose above the plain grass grew out of hunger rooted strongly in place

could never have hoped

to survive on damp soil and in shallow holes of hollow bodies of lost warmth of bees buzzing in constant haste

flowers which could no longer feed

buried for what they used to mean

remembered for what they used to be

a skip off the beat for a couple of hours every evening

so now nothing holds any meaning.

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

Natural Causes

I write so you forget me slower, even though it's just the you in my head which remembers and it's my voice which whispers as if I was already there instead of my thoughts becoming terrors they became fuel for my dreams, assorted lies which break every time I open my eyes and so I wished to just cease being and fade into the plains, become the wind and travel borders so I could run your hair wild and make you shiver, become the rain so I could shower away your tears and drown out all your fears, the beam of light which caresses your cheek to wake your drowsy fantasies to keep you focused and balanced and even if you wouldn't know the difference I'd trade myself in for blending into the atmosphere and helping you keep pace, to be for you, a speck of hope in all this temporariness.

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

Spectrum

Sometimes I would just lie there being kept awake by my own presence it's like a revolution in my mind a riptide on opinion a struggle to conclude two people connected by the middle inside one whole

 The fearless, disgruntled groans and timid, passive-aggressive sarcasm coping mechanisms intertwined with self-deprecation one side will shout and the other would pretend to listen so we are left at a standstill it's like the laws of time and space tire themselves waiting on a decision they just pull the trigger on their own and I'm left in the center where self-discovery is a synonym for guilt and the inability to accept my own faults masking it all with openness about my flaws sinisterly knowing it won't even make a difference at all

 so I just lie there daydream sometimes I wish I could turn back time and stay in specific moments forever but then again there would be no sparks and those would no longer be moments but most of all I wish I could just stop  cease painting myself black and start exploring the palette

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

Holdbacks

A withered trunk and lanky silhouette static with numbness roots beginning to unravel under the foundation as it hangs lifelessly in the wind its paper-thin branches swayed inching closer and closer to the ground behind it with each passing moment immersed in the embrace of dark-green vines at the footholds of its structure reaching for leaves an undergrown shrub clinging to life from its grave both sides struggling to survive a beautiful corpse and comatose soul strong enough to hold on but too weak to let go

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

Chapter

I could give live love just a little bit better I was stuck under my baggage until you gave me will to manage and like a silent killer lulled me to sleep with a soothing whisper before stabbing my front ending my careless winter leaving shattered glass dust and envy and still there's this dark stain on my sweater as the blood drips it rips and rips no rain no flowers no tears no lovers I fear getting close but I hate being alone you sat down next to me and I forgot how to breathe I find myself feeling like sinking just seeking the feeling of feeling nothing at all and I surrendered my sanity I gave me away and into distraction but the higher I get the lower I sink and as I drink to medicate I drown myself out and soak myself in I bleed myself out and sow myself in I fell off the top and ran myself off I turn red and soil my bed I dreamt of insanity trying to find my vanity but all that's left are parts of me so I abandon them to rot reinvent my personality and start all over again and I dream as I breathe I'm the pitch inside the panic the voice within the silence the dead amongst the living the last of the unwanted.

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

Growth

When days grow silent the sky stripped of fabric and walls keep closing in when you’re not looking in solitude you speak through atmosphere you’ll find yourself rise on your own footing set on your own sun and every moment is the meaning of life

step into your car and drive for the moon with the blues cranked up to the beat of your heart’s tune and dare to go beyond and dare to struggle when needed

if the night’s sky seems too dark and the clouds start bleeding let it shower down on your agony and embrace it with love if you feel the need to abuse don’t lie like you’ve got nothing to lose be real and remember there is no ideal

whipped by scars understand good things can’t just fall onto your lap learn to laugh and not just mask the dread with a brush of paint or grab a pen and spill your guts but never indulge your need for self-hate

it’s growth letting go and keeping pace growth realizing we’re in no race and there are no time limits on the seconds we flourish in thrive like beauty in its prime or even if we’re down when the ceiling gets too close feeling like you’ll drown it all just stops abruptly

and it’s okay to have moments, periods of weakness but to live is to devour so devour your angst and doubt let moments just be by themselves or you may face the death of consuming yourself.

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

The Sun

Does the mind not wander in countless directions? Why must my resolve and my emotion, my own absence be judged as unjustifiable just because the masses would deem it pathetic? I’m ripped with guilt stacked with sorrow I don’t want to feel but I got to I don’t want to apologize but I can’t take my own advice Has my heart become so tainted that I can’t see its beauty or was it never there to begin with? I might find my place somewhere but I could never stay forever it’s just another ride. Am I rising or setting and is this feeling something to repent for and could I ever manage?

We all regret what we miss

be it having loved too much

not enough

or even at all

we're all guilty of subjectivity

so don't apologize for feeling something

or a lot just be glad you still can.

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

Stuck

Let my gardens blossom it’s fun to revisit I’m back at the bottom it’s not so fun reliving out of breath I haven’t found a reason yet why is it all so black why am I not colorful why is it so damp where’d my smile go I find no comfort beneath the shade I’m living it’s getting dark now but I’m not leaving How hard is it to hold on or why do I cling to this so much I’m out of touch forget bad luck all these petals dead on my knees as I suffocate they’ve left the ground but I can’t there’s nowhere to go back to I’ve misplaced my plans they’re in someone else’s hands I can’t go on it’s not just a song So then what's the point of this

when I can't even sing it

makes me feel sickened

by my own skin

makes me repulsed

to be here

standing or sitting

or lying down

it’s just my doubt

what I’m all about

cause I’d rather drown

but you still let me down.

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]

I Make Me Be

Misplacing photographs lead to loss of meaning

it shot straight through my feeling

I gather my words from the fear of this leaving

I think I've got nothing left to believe in

 I spend most of my nights lost on the ceiling

I draw out courage into reliving

I confuse my feet I’m left depleted 

 I kept my resolve

but I won't start healing

I'm giving my best

it's sleep I've been stealing

 but if I can do my best

and still lose

could I even claim to have done my best?

My touch is all cold I can see my breath, I can’t feel my hands, all I feel is guilt, I left behind sorrow I’m left defeated I burrow.

I left myself alone

locked in my head

I’m left instead

with this feeling of dread              

so scared I'll die in this bed.  

[i-am-the-fourth-dimension]