ihavetobacco

[ihavetobacco]

and I guess I'll never know

in which side you like to sleep the most,

and I guess I'll never know

where your glimpse goes after checking the post,

if you liked how I could've brewed our coffee

if that means nothing,

and I guess I'll never see

what shapes your mouth do when you speak of me,

what you would've said

outside that hamlet movie

that gloomy day,

and there goes nothing

because there isn't even something

to hold onto,

and it doesn't even matter

if the cover of that album that you liked was blue,

and it doesn't even bother,

me,

that I never got into a pillow fight with

you.

[ihavetobacco]

rejection is not disrespectful, you know what is? hope

hope when there's a lack of possibility

hope when there's nothing but uncertainty

and having hope is not for the weak,

[ihavetobacco]

my keys and id in one pocket,

used papers and tickets on another,

and the luck of (maybe) having a bed to go back to when the clock is ticking closely to 0200.

[ihavetobacco]

you might miss me when I'm gone but I need you to miss me now, i need to to take care of me while I'm still here

[ihavetobacco]

the deer chases the bear, is not its prey, it looks out for the bear with curiosity, then it runs away,

i hope that at some point the bear stops running,

as if it were the one being hunted.

[ihavetobacco]

FOMO

I went, I had the fear

but I went anyways, with fear in my hand

I was listening to that one band,

but although I was there, I was already missing out

Missing out on the joys of the night,

the jumping, the singing, the dancing,

My teenage years and now my twenties,

they went missing,

I was already losing before getting there,

and they win, and they rejoice,

with whatever alcohol drink of choice,

while I miss my best years and the worst too,

for there is no survival,

I alone can do,

and they won't answer my calls,

missed voicemail

call won't come come through

[ihavetobacco]

Your hate, is not going to stop me from having my joy.

I surround myself with those who allow me to grow.

Your hate, is not powerful and all that you create with it I will destroy.

[ihavetobacco]

I want to feel safe again. I want to feel safe. Safe. 

Not the safety of this shelter that holds a war inside.

I want that feeling of safety, even if temporary, even if illusional, the feeling that takes everything I fear away.

The safety that came from having a sleepover at my childhood best friend's house listening to a cd of classical music to fall asleep. Or the one that came from eating ice cubes with my high school best friend because she liked it too. The safety that came from playing xbox games for the first time with my best friend knowing he wouldn't judge how bad I was at it. 

I want the safety of being known, of being understood, of being loved undoubtedly with all there is, even if it's just for a little while.

The safety of failing and learning 

The safety to grow

The safety to be who I want to be and not who I have to

[ihavetobacco]

i won’t compete with her, 

i won’t be the other, 

no matter how hard you try, 

i won’t ever be the other,

i won’t take part, not for you, not for him.

[ihavetobacco]

siblinghood is not something one can give up,

one is a mother when she has a child,

one is a father by decision,

i was your sister/brother before you were born,

you were my brother/sister from before I was born,

siblings before conception,

it could not have been any other way.

brotherhood and sisterhood is perpetual,

fraternity and sorority the everlasting gift of humankind.

[ihavetobacco]

i thought i wouldn't waste more ink in your memory,

yet here i am, how come?

months without hearing your voice,

feels like hell above.

[ihavetobacco]

crystalized eyes on the way home,

nothing makes sense to me anymore,

tears they reach,

too scared to be,

i know they won't make it,

the bus hasn't stopped shaking,

ups & downs in the making,

when will we all stop faking?

[ihavetobacco]

i've lost, long before I was born.

this is my hell and none of you will convince me.

losing isn't meaningful in any shape or form.

[ihavetobacco]

it's never about the bones

it's about the flesh

the bones, they break

the body aches,

you will remember us all this way

[ihavetobacco]

you washed my head with shampoo,

because you didn't want to see me like I was,

and only like this, detesting me,

you managed to give me love,

like a dog

[ihavetobacco]

I am not to feel ashamed by things I cannot change,

I won't surrender to the pressure,

This is my state, it's final,

For it is I and this is me and no other thing I'll ever be.

[ihavetobacco]

we aren't playing schrodinger anymore

you opened the box and found me dead instead