iheartji-blog - Tumblr blog

[iheartji-blog]

me: i mean its just been on my mind a lot, Patrick is literally the worst type of abuser. he uses Spongebob only when it's convenient to be associated with him and treats him like garbage, but ends up making Spongebob apologise to him in the end and hides it under the guise of friendship. idk, it's just terrifying to think about how real that is, how your relationships with close friends can be toxic and you won't even notice how abusive it is.

teacher: i just asked you what the square root of 4 is but shit fam ur right

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interviewer: i'm sorry miss, but we can't hire you at this time.

me, already crying: but why?

interviewer: well first of all, your email address is whyparkchanyeolwhenyoucanridehim@gmail.com

[iheartji-blog]

me, to my kids: let me teach you the song of my ancestors

*takes a deep breath, starts aggressively twerking*

LICK LICK LICK LICK I WANNA EAT YO DICK BUT I CAN'T FUCK UP MY NAILS SO IMMA PICK THEM UP WITH CHOPSTICKS

[iheartji-blog]

cooking contest judge: oh my, what's this? churned, salted cow's milk on baked flattened wheat? astounding!

me: it's fucking bread and butter, Pamela.

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me, reporting a crime i witnessed to the police: so i'm sitting there, barbeque sauce on my tiddies

[iheartji-blog]

romance isn't dead

let's do nat geo reenactments. you be the narwhal and I'll be the seal you fucking ram into with your horn

[iheartji-blog]

me, to my wife of 53 years: okay but do you like me or do you like me like me?

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priest: and do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

me, in the gc: do i say yes? i don't want to seem desperate.

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i want a buddhist girl, who go to the tree of enlightenment, and achieve nirvana.

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gay culture is blaming every mild inconvenience on homophobia.

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we may be divided by race, religion, gender, sexuality and nationality, but we can all identify with one thing: the fear of the impending ass whooping when your mom is almost home but realise you didn't take the chicken out of the freezer like she asked you to.

[iheartji-blog]

Starting my tumblr up with a bang.

Uh, so one time i was in class and this guy stood up and he was like a nazi and he catcalled me and i said (in japanese uwu kawaii oppa saranghae) "no fuk u nazi boi" and he dropped dead from my sick meme burns and a sexy lady kissed me and my teacher gave me an A+ for life. Oh yeah, and everybody clapped.