im-talkingtomyself - Tumblr blog

[im-talkingtomyself]

Two Sides To Every Story. (The Beast)

A tale as old as time Once upon a rhyme A fine young lady lived in a small town Where people hurt her and always let her down Then it was one random night That she felt the time was right For her to follow the candlelight It led her to my castle With time her true colors began to unravel And I saw it in her eyes She had fear of that thing they call “love” I held her close and told her "stop believing all of these lies" Then I said "enough is enough" She was a true beauty I must admit She brings out my inner beast she's so hard to resist I told her to use her imagination and she will see that there is much more So I took her to a place that has never been found before It was a wide somewhere, that's for sure I said "listen and trust me for my intentions are pure" The look on her face screamed fear She did not want to come in that was very clear I held her hand and said to her "don't you worry my dear" I slowly opened the door and whispered "love, trust, and imagination" She smiled and said "happiness is my new destination" We walked in it was quite a sight to see She was confused "but how could this be?" I explained to her "true beauty is found within" "Take my hand princess and let your adventure begin" At that time her laugh was so full of joy That not even her past could destroy Later that night as the wind loudly blows She found my enchanted rose as it glows Missing all of its petals but one I grabbed my beauty and begged her not to run She said to me "My beast I miss my home" "But I do not want to leave you all alone" I told her "I have always been on my own" "You are free to leave me trapped between these walls," "Or stay and tell me you love me before the last petal falls..."

[im-talkingtomyself]

Free Bird

“ Kindness is like snow, it beautifies everything it covers.”

He gets lost every time staring into the darkness of her eyes

The further he goes the darker it gets

He can hear her pain when she cries

He can see her heart when it quits

The colors of her flowers are wilting

And the tears drip down her cheeks

It's cold and the snow is barely melting

He hears her shiver as she speaks

He tells her, my queen on the other side of fear lies freedom

You are not a bird caged in

Together I promise that we can beat 'em

Let's fly away from all evil sin

And risk everything and anything to reach our dreams.

Spread our wings wide enough and take over the sky

He began to discover she's not as happy as she seems

She was scared to let go and learn how to fly

She has been beaten and beaten by the one she loved

And it was hard for her to move on

To run away she would drink and get buzzed

She would drink and drink until the crack of dawn

And now she wants to be more independent

Too scared to put her trust in another

She has become more self-sufficient

But he tells her what if you miss out on a true lover?

The look on her face says I do not want to be caged in again

I just want to be free

I do not want to feel the same pain

So please just let me be!

Poem by: Marah Jadalla (based on a true story)

[im-talkingtomyself]

The Man Who Never Loved Her

                                                                             “Waiting for forever.”

He promised to pick her up at eight He said he planned a romantic dinner date It is now a minute after eight and he is running late All these crazy thoughts start running through her head "Is there traffic, or is he in another woman's bed? Maybe something terrible happened and now he is dead. "NO! no, he will never leave me alone He will never leave me on my own." She calls him "please leave a message after the tone" It is now eight twenty-two, He is not answering and she does not know what to do. She starts running without an idea where to. Eight thirty-five and she is back to where it all began The park bench where she met the most kind-hearted man, Where he walked up to her with confidence and a nice tan. At that moment it was only them, and the blue skies. She fell in love with the way the sun reflected off of his eyes, The way his smile on his face so blithely lies. She fell in love before she even learned his name, She fell for him but she knew he did not feel the same. She knew she was just another part of his wicked game. Why can't he just understand? Why does he make her feel crazy when he holds her hand? Was he doing this on purpose or was it unplanned? How can someone make her feel so loved yet also unappreciated? She sat and waited, sat and waited reminiscing a love so greatly exaggerated. He always knew the right words to say, She knows the truth but she keeps running away. From the lies he told her, her heart began to decay. Did he never care or did he eventually stop caring? She can feel it deep inside, her heart tearing, On the park bench, all alone despairing. He never looks at her the way she looks at him So many tears her eyes begin to dim A pool of sadness "give up or swim?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Should I give up on life or am I strong?"   Her thoughts began to sound like a long sad song. He never loved her but she will love him till the end, Maybe love was something she could never comprehend. She lay on the bench and waited for her life to slowly descend.

Poem By: Marah Jadalla // Talking To Myself

Inspired by a true story

[im-talkingtomyself]

The Dream.

I usually do not remember my dreams but two weeks after my grandfather died I had this dream… 

“Dreaming With A Broken Heart.” 

Every night I lay alone in bed staring at the stars in the sky through the tiny window in my room while listening to the thoughts inside of my head. I can not fall asleep because I am constantly over thinking everything so I begin to imagine that sheep are flying up in the sky through the stars. I try to count every single one, but they always seem to be moving way too fast, sort of like how my thoughts are running around without a break inside of my mind.

I am trying to distract myself from all these thoughts that just will not let me be. So I lay here for hours trying to force myself to fall asleep. I can not help but feel so out of control at times., especially at night time. I feel out of control of my emotions. It is like I am feeling happy but also sad at the same time. I feel angry and confused. I am very confused. Everything around me is so blurry and I am struggling to stay in focus. It is like my brain can not comprehend what my heart is feeling. My mind and my heart are constantly on the battlefield fighting for what might be the right way to end me. I feel like I am slowly drifting away.

I feel as though I am forever running but I have nowhere to go to. I feel like something or someone is chasing me but I can not figure out what it is. Maybe it is my insecurities.

So one night, after I finally managed to escape my stream of consciousness and drift into deep sleep, I had this dream that I will never forget. In that dream, I was trapped inside this maze that was of yellow brick walls with red roses decorating it all around. It was a very confusing maze and it seemed like there was no way out. In my dream, I was running super fast and looking back with a terrified look on my face as if something or someone was chasing me.

My heart was pounding hard and my legs were beginning to feel numb but I continued to run. I reached a dead end and there I was stuck. The person chasing me got closer and the skies went dark. It started to rain and I just sat there in a corner scared. There was a tall man with short dark brown hair, a dirty white t-shirt and ripped jeans who stood above me. He looked very angry and I wanted to wake up because I was afraid of what was going to happen next. I tried closing and opening my eyes but I just could not wake myself up. 

The man then began to shout really mean comments at me. He kept getting louder and angrier. Then he pulled out a gun and started pointing it at me. There was no escape and I began to lose hope so I stood up and began to pray. He was still yelling and aiming the gun at me. The things he was saying made me cry in the middle of my prayer. However, they were not things that I did not already believe to be true about myself. 

I still tried to cover my ears but I could still hear him yelling “You are a useless piece of shit and deserve to burn in hell.” “You are a terrible person and you should be alone forever.” “You are a waste of oxygen, go kill yourself!” I continued to cover my ears and pray while trying to ignore him. Fear filled up my eyes and tears began to drip off of my face. Then bang!

All of a sudden everything became silent and I could barely see the man. He was blurry but I could tell he was still yelling. I could not hear his voice anymore. Then everything began to fade to white. Then I saw something flying towards me slowly with angels made out of a bright light behind it as if protecting it. There he was, my grandfather with a sort of worried look on his face stood in front of me. That moment I recognized him, began to cry. I was not sure if they were tears of joy or tears of fear, or maybe both emotions combined in one reaction.

I smiled at him and I asked, “am I safe now?” He answered me in a quiet and sad voice, “my dear, you are always safe because I am always and will always be looking after you from up here.” Then his voice got louder “but, you must go back and finish your prayer. It is not your time yet my granddaughter, go back now and live your life. You have so much more to give to the world.”

Everything slowly faded to white again and then there was a blur and I could barely see my grandfather waving goodbye to me. I smiled and opened my eyes. I was still in the maze on my knees completing my prayer and the man who shot me was nowhere to be seen. I was then awakened by the sound of my alarm clock. When I woke up I just sat there staring at the alarm not knowing how to feel or what to think. Maybe this was a sign from God that I should not give up on myself yet. Maybe God was trying to tell me that I am loved and I do belong here because I have so much more to give to this world.

[im-talkingtomyself]

Inside of My Head

For a long time, I have been feeling so alone and powerless. I put so much time and effort on other people. My entire life I have been trying to please other people and never thought about myself. That was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I was a bully to myself and I always put other people’s happiness before mine. This has led me to where I am right now, a depressed and terrified person. I am constantly afraid to try because deep down I feel like I am going to mess up. I feel like I am not good enough at anything and that anything I touch gets ruined. I hurt a lot of people, but never on purpose. I let a lot of people down so many times before, and it is all because of my insecurities and fear.

It is very difficult to find someone who understands what I am going through and when I do find someone, I end up getting too attached and mixing up my feelings and eventually scaring them away. I am fighting a battle with myself every day and the only way for me to escape this world of misery is through writing, drawing, and taking photos. This is why I created this blog, in order to have somewhere to run too when I need an escape. Even if I am just talking to myself, it is important for me to express how I am feeling.

               **Here is a poem I wrote about how I have been feeling lately:

Life is a big blur and I am constantly struggling to stay in focus.

I sometimes close my eyes and dream to disappear like hocus pocus.

I am trying to let go of my past but the past will not let me go.

The memories in my head are running fast, and they will not let me grow.

Look deep into my eyes when I tell you that I am okay,

but do not believe my lies because I am really not okay.

My mind is a roller coaster ride and my arms are in the air.

No place to run to and hide, to save me from this despair.

I am constantly trying to score, trying to score but I can not,

my anger is growing more, growing more because I think a lot.

My world is like a puzzle but there is one missing piece.

My thoughts need a muzzle for I am in desperate need for peace.

There is a confusion in my head,

maybe a delusion in my head.

Why do I feel so ashamed of how I feel?

Why do I feel so betrayed and afraid, can this all be real?

I should be grateful for the life that I am living.

But why do I feel so hateful yet I know that God is so giving?

I know this life is a blessing but why do I want to give up?

I am over stressing and I can not make it stop.

These chains are on too tight but I must escape,

this is not right and I must escape!

I hate feeling so out of control, I hate feeling so sad.

I feel the pain inside my soul, I hate feeling so mad.

I keep pushing people away because I do not believe that I am good enough.

How can I make them stay? I want to believe that I can be tough.

I lose control of my actions around those that I trust,

because my thoughts are distractions that I must not trust.

I share a fake smile because I am afraid to be happy.

Happiness lasts for a short while, therefore I choose to be unhappy.

I physically hurt myself to numb the pain because nobody really understands me.

I am trying to get back up again, I hope that one day someone will see me.

I am emotionally exhausted,

and I feel mentally distorted.

This is not who I am, so please believe me when I say,

Please give a damn about me for I am lost somewhere far away.

I am lost deep inside of my head and I lost all of my power.

When will all of this end? When will I blossom again like a spring flower?