insidesabreensmind

[insidesabreensmind]

One girl, the playbook and 11 cupcakes

On the first Sweet Pussy Saturday of the month, I was doing everything but rejoicing that God placed the 8th Wonder of the world between my thighs. I was self-loathing, self-sabotaging and self-obsessing over the end of a potentially great summer romance. No, it wasn’t like a Nicholas Sparks’ book, no it wasn’t a long-term relationship and probably wasn’t long enough to be considered a short-term relationship either but it was good ... and real. Going from hanging out multiple times a day to nonchalantly avoiding each other in social settings isn’t how I would have imagined our summer rendezvous ending. I couldn’t image things being like this because 1) the summer just began and 2) I forgot the playbook of how to be single. There’s the universal status quo playbook of how to mend a broken heart and coach has put me on the bench because I can’t comprehend it. The playbook sounds like an instructional guide from a Destiny Child’s album; step 1: you cry, step 2: you get yourself together, step 3: you gather your girls and go out and step 4: you conquer heartbreak and play the fields again. Although, the harmonization is always perfect and runs/riffs are soothing to the ear, I still didn’t listen and I found myself baking “please accept these as an apology” cupcakes and deliberating when’s the best time for the “please accept this as an apology” phone call. I’ve always been known to run on CPT because by the time I mustered up the courage to call, he didn’t answer and I realized ... I was too late. 

In the midst of wallowing in my sadness, I remembered I needed to take the cupcakes out. Without thinking, I reached for the oven and instantly got burned. I  think literally and metaphorically it was a sign. First, I need to wear oven mitts and second, this situationship has left its mark on my heart and mind. I was so preoccupied of the daydream of us sitting down engaging in the awkward greetings, yelling at each other in a lust induced rage, then realizing how much we actually care for each other, laughing in disbelief that we’ve allowed ourselves to fight like preschoolers. Finally, I would then whip out the cupcakes and he would say “is there poison in these” and I would hit him with “no, I couldn’t find the anthrax” and we would smile at each other and go back to normal. But no, I received a superficial burn instead and it dawned on me I don’t like the playbook of dating and I don’t want to play love games anymore, either. This wouldn’t be my first attempt at making amends with him and this wouldn’t be his first time declining my offer. These are the love games that we have decided to play. You might be thinking, “this sounds like he’s not interested” and I thought the same but, he gives me these random acts of conversation and if I don’t in respond in the way that he hopes, I’m then cut off again .... this is what I mean by love games ... one can’t shoo away someone’s advances and challenge their love when it’s convenient for them. That’s not how things work and no one should be subjected to it. In situations like this I often wonder what would Rihanna do? Until I get this answer, i’ll turn my attention back to my date with 11 hot and steamy cupcakes.

[insidesabreensmind]

Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Barbie

The highly anticipated return of Nicki Minaj is upon us and she has everyone talking. It’s been quiet from Saint Nick since her last post in December (besides her ads for #MercedesBenz). However, on Monday (04/09) the Barbie started buzz on her page when she posted two single covers for “Chun-Li” and “Barbie Tingz” and announced they would be released on Thursday (04/12). The covers are both attention grabbers but, Chun-Li takes the cake with Nicki rocking Fendi from head to kitty (as she would say) and wearing two top buns which is Street Fighter’s Chun-Li’s signature hairstyle.Then there’s Barbie Tingz, which has a 18th century, ode to Marie-Antoinette vibe to the single cover with Minaj wearing a gown with embellishments around the mid-section and a group of women behind her with less than Barbie-esque masks. The songs dropped yesterday, on every streaming service after Nicki’s interview with Zane Lowe on Beats 1 Radio. Chun-Li was the more anticipated song due to referencing a Street Fighter character, one would expect that the lyrics would be grittier, punchline heavy and Nicki reminding everyone why she’s the Queen of Rap. In comparison, Barbie Tingz gave a more melodic feeling, but also, rapping about why she shouldn’t be counted out and maybe a line or two about all these b*tches being her sons. Unfortunately, both songs were good and only good. For this to be her return to the public eye and the airways, it felt a bit flat but it’s only her first two singles and she probably has more surprises for us under her wig. The only real criticism to give is there’s definitely a disconnect between the song titles and some of the lyrics. In Barbie Tingz, Nicki says “If that bitch get slick, I'll cut the bitch/ I'll cut up the bitch, I'll gut the bitch / Had to fuck up the bitch, man, fuck the bitch / Won't shoot her but I will gun-butt the bitch” which seems more appropriate for Chun-Li because she’s talking about physically fighting and “Want the Nicki cheat code? Come on, bitch, nice try” would be a perfect gamer reference and create some comparison between Nicki and Chun-Li; the only time Nicki compares herself to Chun-Li is “They need rappers like me/ they need rappers like me / so they can get on their fucking keyboards And make me the bad guy, Chun-Li” which is flawed because Chun-Li wasn’t a bad guy in the game. Furthermore, besides the small criticisms were very happy to see Nicki Minaj return and we got a fun quote for all the petty boops “All tea, all shade and all offense”

[insidesabreensmind]

I interviewed Philadelphian songstress Aleana, about her music, The meaning behind The Chemical XXI Ep and more 

[insidesabreensmind]

More Than A One Hit Wonder

Sabreen L’s writing archives: 2016

Philadelphian N.A. Poe is a cannabis activist that has a large contribution to the decriminalizing of weed. Poe is a comedian whom hobbies including smoking marijuana and he eventually turned a hobby into a movement. Poe and fellow weed activist Chris Goldstein began Smoke Down Prohibition, after they sparked a friendship at City Hall while attending Occupy Philadelphia. Smoke Down Prohibition’s agenda is to break the stigma around marijuana and decriminalize the substance. In 2012, Poe and Goldstein rallied up Philadelphian smokers and light up at Independence Mall, three more protests were gathered over a three-month span [the largest was held in April 2013, over 600 protest showed up]. Later that year, Poe was arrested at a Smoke Down event alongside of libertarian activist Adam Kokesh and was held in federal prison for five days being charged with marijuana possession.

In 2016, N.A. Poe began running for Pennsylvania Attorney General, Poe’s campaign is geared towards “bringing attention to cannabis advocacy, among others”, according to an interview with Phillymag.com. In August he drew away from the election due to being sued by attorneys in the Democratic and Republican parties. Furthermore, Poe’s potential political career is still optimistic, he also told Phillymag, “I will proudly become the first public servant that openly starts his day with a double espresso and a huge doobie.”

Poe’s interest in legalizing marijuana stems deeper than the luxury of lighting up in general areas. He believes that marijuana is beneficial to the sick and elderly. Also, the decimalizing of marijuana has helped reduce approximately 7,000 less arrests related to the substance. This is important because the use of marijuana is equal between black and white communities but blacks are 5.2 times more likely to be arrested, according to American Civil Liberties Union.

        On October 1st2014, Philadelphia’s mayor Michael Nutter signed a bill to decimalize marijuana and Poe was one of many weed crusaders in attendance for this monumental day. Poe rejoiced in the moment with a “Fuckin’ A, man” directed to Goldstein and later stated “It’s surreal to pitch all this shit and then hear it coming out of a politician’s mouth”. Hopefully, Poe can be the politician voicing his own views in the nearby future.

[insidesabreensmind]

Why “Reflection” is My Body Dysmorphia Disorder Anthem

When I was a child, my favorite Disney movie was Mulan. From the story of a young woman saving her country, the breaking of gender roles, showcasing how beautiful Chinese culture is and of course, Mushu the Dragon (it’s Eddie Murphy, duh) there’s countless reasons to list how Disney got it right. Besides the imagery and messages in Mulan, the soundtrack is equally important and tackles subject matter that everyone can relate to or can identify in present society (ex. expected roles women and men should uphold, milleninals being pressured by family to live in certain means). As I further venture into my adulthood, I sometimes revisit things from my youth and draw connections between how I percieved things then and compare them to my perspective of things now. The lead song in the movie is “Reflection” sung by Lea Salonga and Christina Aguilera ft. Jerry Goldsmith on the movie soundtrack. We first hear this song after Mulan returns home from her unsuccessful attempt of being a perfect bride in front of the matchmaker. In the song, she’s reflecting on how she views herself versus how everyone else sees her and thinks she should be. I watched Mulan about two weeks ago, on a random “what’s on Netflix” type of night and when the song began I instantly joined Mulan in a sing-a-long and belted out the lyrics. When it got to the chorus, I kept reciting the lyrics but my voice dropped a few octaves. I realized the lyrics meant more to me than just a nostalgic Disney bop and immediately “same, sis” spewed out of my mouth. As a young woman dealing with self-diagnosed Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD) the lyrics resonated in a way, i’ve never thought of before. I’ve suffered with weight issues since I was about 9 years old, resulting from a blood disease that lead me being placed on steroids and gaining a lot of weight due to the medicine and to cope with sadness of gaining weight, I developed a food dependency. According to Anxiety and Depression Association of America, Body Dysmorphia Disorder is when an individual harbors on real or perceived flaws for long periods of time each day. Resulting in constant negative thoughts about personal appearance, emotional distress and withdrawing themselves from social settings due to others seeing their flaws likewise. Although, i’ve shed a lot of weight since my childhood and try actively being aware of my moods to avoid binge eating, occasionally I still linger in the mirror too long and the process of overanalyzing every facial feature and inch of body fat consumes my thoughts. It’s like i know what I look like but, still the reflection in the mirror is the exact opposite of what I should see. In the song, Mulan keeps asking “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?” and that’s a perfect comparison of how puzzled I am, when I’m looking at myself and the reflection is someone 25 pounds heavy and as the emotional distress kicks in 25 turns into 50 and 50 turns into 100 pounds. It’s a daily struggle but at least I’m aware of my disorder and try my best to function regularly. Before writing this entry, I went on youtube to hear the song one more time and wandered into the comment section. I began reading the comments and with glee, saw stories of people reminiscing on their childhood and, also connecting it to their current struggles. There was a transwoman commenting on how the song summed up her experience of conflicting thoughts on her gender/sexuality, a couple of gay and lesbian (wo)men saying that the song helped them appreciate their sexuality and etc. Even though, I didn’t see anyone mentioning BDD I was still happy that this song had a deeper meaning to people in marginalized communities and has helped many overcome their daily obstacles. Yes, I know a Disney song won’t cure me of my disorder and yes, I know those LGBTQ+ folk may still face bigotry and internal mental struggles but the bonding in the comment section gave me reassurance. And a spoonful of reassurance never hurt nobody. Hopefully, I can have my pre-expected Disney ending like Mulan and find pure happiness after overcoming my challenges too. Until then, i’ll keep singing along to “Reflection” on my worst of days and strive for 100% self-love and acceptance. 

[insidesabreensmind]

50 sounds of Drake

Summer is very slowly approaching, which means this the prime season for many artist to drop singles and projects. Luckily for us, our favorite Canadian Drake got the memo and dropped a new single “Nice For What”. The single samples Lauryn Hill’s 1998 “Ex-Factor” from her The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill album. Besides sampling an iconic song within the hip-hop community, Drake also introduces us to his new sound of Bounce. Bounce music originates from New Orleans’ house parties and club life in 1980s, this genre of music isn’t  new but many mainstream artists have bounced on wave in the past few years including Pharrell (Lemon ft. Rihanna) and Beyoncé (Formation). Big Freedia (referred as the Queen of Bounce), Nicky Da B and Messy Mya,(whom passed away in 2010 but, was sampled on Beyoncé’s Lemonade) are prominent figures of bounce music. Moreover, Drake is known as “a man of many faces” or should we say sounds, including Reggaeton, Trap, Pop and etc. With the possibility of him dropping a project this summer or later this year, were keeping an eye on hip-hop’s chameleon to see how he’ll further use the bounce sound.