islands-and-oceans

[islands-and-oceans]

what are you supposed to be to me now? you were my mother to everyone else but you were always my captor my monster my mother is this Stockholm syndrome? is that the love i feel for you? is it simply sickness that leads me to care for you now? i see your care now and i love you for it but why could you not care when i was begging for it? when i was small and innocent and not yet broken did you need me to be broken like you to show love did you need it to hurt?

[islands-and-oceans]

do peoples parents actually like tell them they’re beautiful? is that like a real thing?

[islands-and-oceans]

how to explain to someone ive known since i was a child that they don't understand alot about me because i never told them what my mental illness was really like.

i'll let it go if i have to but i like only just started to be able to talk about the hallucinations like actually and how young i was when they started. they think they understand me and they never really knew what was happening with me. i don't remember a lot i know more now than i used to, it comes back sometimes, sometimes it doesn't. and i might have to lose this person over it and it's sad. the situtation is obviously more complicated than this post makes it seem. they are a good person and im going to miss them but because of the fact they don't know a lot they've been doing some stuff that could put me in a lot of danger. and i can't do that to my self. i'm better than that now.

[islands-and-oceans]

you know something thats complicated? all the people who hurt me or abused me they all loved me. people who do those things are just people. they did love me it doesn't make what they did any better or any worse its just like yeah those things happen because people are complicated. anyone can hurt someone everyone has obviously theres weight to the serverity of it but we all hurt others. those people weren't special kinds of evil, they were just people who hurt me alot and i think you can't always understand victims if you can't understand that

[islands-and-oceans]

I feel like I need to remind myself of a few things, and maybe you too

You couldn't have done anything to make it so that your trauma didn't happen. You couldn't have been "better."

You did not deserve to be abused, no matter what they said to you.

You do not deserve to be in pain. You didn't deserve to be hurt, you did not deserve pain.

You are not less worthy of love, affection or anyone's effort because of anything that happened to you.

Being affected by it isn't a moral failing. Having feelings isn't a moral failing.

You are not unable to be helped. There is recovery, there are better patches, there are good times.

[islands-and-oceans]

i saw a thing about the fact that people who weren't loved unconditionally by their parents look for unconditional love from partners and i think it hit me like yeah thats what ive been doing and its not right partners dont love you unconditionally you dont love them unconditionally thats not what being equal is. and thats like great to think about and very cool but also what do you do about it then? your parents cant or wont love you unconditionally so youll never get that i think im supposed love myself unconditionally i dont think itll be easy and i dont think itll fix it but i think its a good place to start

[islands-and-oceans]

trying to figure out how i actually feel and my just what the mental illness makes me feel

[islands-and-oceans]

i think i may have been wrong about some things

i think i thought i felt something for someone and i didn’t

and now i have to fix this and i feel so much guilt

i know it’s not my fault

but untangling all this was so hard

bad things have gone on for too long for this to be easy

[islands-and-oceans]

been trying to take a step back from like clubbing culture here in england it’s like a lot especially cuz i’m in my 20’s you know? and i’ve realised that when i’m in that environment i don’t feel uncomfortable with people crossing by boundaries because i’m so focused on like the vibe. like someone will do something kinda fucked up to me but if they buy me a drink i don’t care it doesn’t even feel like cognitive dissonance i legitimately don’t care and i think that’s why it’s so addictive to me because normally i care about everything all the time but in those situations i feel like i can brush things off. anyway just like thoughts about why i like clubbing so much ig. i don’t think this is healthy btw this is me trying to analyse a very traumatised brain i’m just sorta monologging

[islands-and-oceans]

watching children successfully and compassionately self-mediate conflict and wondering if it's possible to pinpoint where exactly it all goes wrong for us

[islands-and-oceans]

[islands-and-oceans]

so im like reallllly out of it you know? like the dissocation is low key like puling my personality apart again you know? i feel like its holding pieces of me that i cant get back. i know itll come back eventually i know sometimes it just takes time and itll be fine but you know everytime it happens i feel like im never going to be a whole person again. its like i cant even remember what its like not to be dissociated. memories are all fuzzy and i cant remember anything quite right and i need to try really hard to be aware of anything you know.

[islands-and-oceans]

i often worry i don’t feel the correct emotions for people or at the right intensity i feel too much or too little and often have to remind myself what i know i feel when i’m in a good mental space but don’t when i’m not and it’s okay that i don’t feel things all the time

[islands-and-oceans]

yo actually i took my meds and life is great actually i’m so chill rn it’s so hard to remember that my emotions however real are extremely volatile and probably not as life shattering as i think they are

take your meds guys

[islands-and-oceans]

i can feel myself choke on my own loneliness sometimes

i want to be known

i want to be understood

please can someone understand me

[islands-and-oceans]

[islands-and-oceans]

girl who has only the most normal relationship with time and memory and regret and grief