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Star Trails Over Mount Cook 4 - March 27, 2007

by: Joseph Brimacombe

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Untitled Day 4

Yesterday was a wonderful day. It started off as any other morning does for us as of late. Wake up at 3:30 AM shower, I make breakfast and Lunch for you while you get ready for work... or just lay in bed til the last possible moment. But after sending you off with a kiss and going back to sleep something happened I didn’t plan. Around 9 AM you were back home, I admit I was in full panic on the inside wondering what happened and if everything was okay. Come to find out your job go rained out so they paid your for your two hours and send you home. But what did this mean for our day? What would we do? I’ll tell you exactly what we did. You played Xbox and I lied in bed snuggled with you while I watched Youtube videos. 

At one point and I don’t remember how the conversation started you told me that you talked about me to your coworkers today. I was surprised and excited I asked immediately for you to tell me what happened. That’s when you told me this; “We were on the shuttle going to the job site and the guy next to me asked me if I wanted something to munch on from his lunch box for breakfast. I said no that I had eggs and oatmeal for breakfast. Then the guy behind me chimed in saying what did you get up and scrambled yourself some eggs? and I replied with No, actually my girlfriend got up and made me breakfast and packed my lunch. They both seemed shocked and the guy next to me said Wow sounds like you got one of the good ones I’d hold on to her! I said yea she is the best.” You told me that story with a huge smile on your face. Then you gave me a big kiss and thanked me for how wonderful I am. I was smitten.

Hours went by with us doing our separate things, snuggling and sharing light kisses in between. Finally we decided to watch the new Netflix show called Big Mouth. I don’t think we’ve ever laughed so much together. You almost never laugh and god when you do, it’s so loud and booming like an earthquake erupting from your soul. I can almost feel how badly you ache to be truly happy from that laugh. I can feel the veil of depression and anger slip away for but a moment. In that moment you are pure, in that moment I love you more than I think I could ever love anything. But that moment fades that moment goes away and we go back to silence.

Halfway through the show we decide to get Taco Bell. We both got that new cravings box. The one with the HIGHLY UNDERRATED CINNAMON TWIST! On the way there it started to rain hard. We made it there and back safe despite someone cutting us off. I said “After we eat why don’t we go to sleep and finish the show tomorrow?”You thought that was a good idea but then we got back into the show and ended up finishing the last few episodes. 

It was quite again and you were sleepy. You gave me a kiss and kept talking about how sleepy you were and how tomorrow would be a long day. You finally said “come here turn around lets hold each other and listen to the rain.” I replied “But the rain has stopped now?” Then you said ever so softly “Then lets just pretend it’s still raining.” 

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Untitled Day 3

Yesterday before you came home I made sure I was ready/ I took a shower, put on makeup lit a candle and hand music playing. I believe it was a Bon Iver song. You came in plopped on the bed asked me why I had your TV so loud, I said I didn’t touch the volume. You turned it down stating you never turned it up that loud, that I must of done it. You set back down. You asked if I had added stuff to your Pandora, I said yes I listened to music on there when I cleaned. You deleted my music off there while giving me a grumpy puppy face. I laughed it off saying that wouldn’t stop me. It hurt. Why is me listening to Alt Indie music and Beyoncé such a awful thing? I wasn’t hurting you, or anyone. I didn’t delete any of your stuff. I thought we were suppose to be joining our lives by living together. Now I feel a bit like you aren’t fully letting me leave my mark. I wonder if you still think I’ll up and leave you like everyone else in your life has. I don’t plan to.

We hadn’t made love, or had any sex for a few days which was unusual, for us anyway. We enjoy sex and that time together, often having sex everyday, sometimes a few times everyday. Maybe you’re just getting bored with me, I worry you aren’t satisfied. I am, but you? I don’t know. I’ve asked, voiced my concerns. You assure me you’re tired, assure me I’m enough and that you love our intimate times together. I’m not convinced. I smile in agreement, assurance that I’m better, I’m not.

This morning we didn’t want to wake up, steady alarms going off. Steady. You rolled over and huffed, “ten more minutes...” I kissed you still half asleep myself. Then got up to make your breakfast and your lunch before work. That stupid cheap lunch box and sandwich boxes were giving me a hard time. I couldn’t make it all fit. It was discouraging. I can’t even pack a lunch, “maybe this is why I don’t have kids.” I thought to myself. You came out there told me to stop fighting the lunch and to go ahead an start breakfast. You were right it was getting late. (Lunchbox 1:Me 0) Maybe next time. I finish your breakfast and leave you to eat. I turn towards the hall you ask me if I’m gonna sit with you I say not right now and I head to the bedroom. I wanted to do one last thing for you. I grabbed my notebook from our end table and I wrote you a note “ I love you more than ANYTHING! You’re the best! Have a great day, honey. Love, Dawn (pink lipstick kiss)” I made my way back to the kitchen washed your dishes from breakfast, you place your strong arms around me. You kiss my neck, tell me I’m the best, tell me how much you love me. As you walk away to get your keys I hide the note in your lunch box. You reenter the room sighing that you have to leave.

You left for work, we talked about laundry before you got in the car with a soft kiss goodbye. I made my way in the darkness back to our room. Put my hair up and sat on the edge of the bed. I feel weak. Defeated. I look to my right, you fixed the bed sheets for me. I’m thankful. I crawl into bed, it’s still warm from you, I don’t know how, but it’s like you just got out of the bed. I miss you already. 

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Untitled Day 2

Last night when you came home I stuck to the plan of not bringing up your previous marriage. I did however go rouge and bring up some of the other stuff I found. I told you I put it back where I found it and placed it under the bed. You told me it was all old. I knew it was that was never a question. You did tell me something surprising, you told me I could of gotten rid of it, that you didn’t care what I did with it. But those aren’t my things, my memories. I believe when you’re ready to let go of those things you will. Until that day those past lovers will haunt me under our bed, in our closet, waiting to be put behind us.

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Untitled Day 1 - Part 2

I decided to pamper myself today after you left for your new job. I took a shower with my new peppermint body wash. Steam and winter smells filled the air. I felt peace. I came into our bedroom and laid down. As I caught up with my favorite shows I found myself drifting off. I awoke to a knock on the door, your cousin was letting me know he was leaving. I chose to stay awake and clean our room like I told you last night I would. I didn’t plan to find anything, I wasn’t looking to find anything. I honestly wasn’t looking at all. I just wanted things to be nice when you got home. But you won’t believe that, will you? No, I don’t think you will. You have trust issues worse than anyone I know. I found a card from a old flame, old condoms, and another girls phone number. All of which are old and of disregard to me. I put the stuff in bags and shoved it under the bed. Those are your things from your past and you’ll get rid of them when you will. What I was shocked to find however, your divorce papers. Almost 7 months together and you haven’t told me. Even more surprising it ended just six months before we got together. Am I your rebound? Do you still think of her, what your life could of been? Why haven’t you told me yet? You’ve had chances, many chances. My mom says maybe you don’t feel like you can trust me fully yet. To wait for you to feel safe. I agree with her. I put back the folder where I found it and I don’t plan to bring it up. I’ll keep this to myself, and maybe in time you’ll come to me and let me in. We all have secrets and I guess this one is yours. 

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Untitled Day  1

I awake to your hands running down my side, a kiss on the neck. The smell of your bitter morning breath fills the air. It’s so strong, it’s almost nauseating but still, I kiss you softly good morning. Today is the first day of your new job. You say it’s good money, that everything is going to be okay from now on. I’m not convinced. I smile in agreement, tell you how proud I am and how I know everything is going to be okay now. I’m lying. Not that I’m not proud, I am. You worked hard to get to this point. You waited nearly a year, you pushed and struggled. No, I’m lying when I say everything is going to be okay now.