itwasfunatfirst - Tumblr blog

[itwasfunatfirst]

sometimes it can feel like your only value in life is being there for people. making people laugh, making them happy, supporting them through hard times or fixing their problems. generally existing for others.

lovely I'm here to tell you you're more than just bringing a smile to people's faces. you're more than only existing when someone needs you. you're more than being a free therapist, a shoulder to cry on, or a person for other people.

you're allowed to exist for yourself. you're allowed to put yourself first.

[itwasfunatfirst]

I used to fast and restrict, then I started being more bullimic and binged and fasted to maintain my weight, and when it was encouraged by the physician and the dietician to stop fasting, I did. Then I started rapidly gaining and they kicked me out “we do not treat people who binge without compensatory behaviours”

How fucking fucked up is that? They moved me to a DBT team, recommending that I just need to sort out my emotional problems. And when I talk to my therapist about my disordered eating she says “that’s not my speciality”. And the phychiatrist working on that team stated that if I don’t sort out my eating issues they will have to discharge me from the program.

How am I not supposed to feel hopeless?

I literally gained 4kg from binging on 6000 calories every day for a week. I wasn’t even restricting and I’m not purging. I think I’m gonna actually killl myself

[itwasfunatfirst]

My treatment team (that I was forced into) literally kicked me out when I started rapidly gaining from binge eating

I literally gained 4kg from binging on 6000 calories every day for a week. I wasn’t even restricting and I’m not purging. I think I’m gonna actually killl myself

[itwasfunatfirst]

Up 4.5kg and begging for help. All eating disorder treatment centers are refusing me :)

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Fact: they only give a shit if you’re underweight.

I literally gained 4kg from binging on 6000 calories every day for a week. I wasn’t even restricting and I’m not purging. I think I’m gonna actually killl myself

[itwasfunatfirst]

I literally gained 4kg from binging on 6000 calories every day for a week. I wasn’t even restricting and I’m not purging. I think I’m gonna actually killl myself

[itwasfunatfirst]

So unless you’re underweight, don’t want treatment, and have restricting anorexia, getting eating disorder treatment is impossible :)

[itwasfunatfirst]

I just want someone to hug me, tell me everything is going to be okay, and promise me this hell isnt gonna last forever...

[itwasfunatfirst]

Oh. I have lost weight. I can see it now.

[itwasfunatfirst]

Thing I wish I knew

° It’s a known fact you’ll always be cold. But not how cold. I can take a hot shower and lie under two blankets and still be cold to the bone.

° You’ll get weak. I’ve always been weak in my arms but right now I can’t even carry a chair without my muscles aching.

° My back hurts. All the time. My knees do too, I feel like I’ve aged 4 years in the span of 1.

° Don’t listen to sweetspo. You won’t look in the mirror at your goal weight and be skinny. You just won’t see it. I’ve lost 5kg and don’t see a difference.

° You won’t be proud when someone worries about your food. You will be defensive and angry and grumpy. You don’t want them to know.

° You’ll feel guilty. About eating too much and doing too little. But most of all keeping a huge secret from anyone who cares about you.

° You can’t concentrate on anything else than food.

° Are you depressed and anxious??? Great! It’ll increase.

° It won’t ever be enough.

° I can’t stop. I can’t.

° You’ll freak out about fun things. About normal things. Christmas, eating dinner with friends, going out.

° Please get help if you can. Please get out while you can. This is not a friend of yours.

[itwasfunatfirst]

reblog for a perfect second semester

the universe knows you will learn from your first semester mistakes

second semester is when we all get 4.0s

we got this. 

reblog to help a friend

[itwasfunatfirst]

Idk

Mental illnesses are not fucking cute

Nor are they fake

Or easy to manage

Eating disorders are not beautiful

They’re hiding food wrappers

And molding bowls of vomit in your room

It’s your family becoming physically abusive because they can’t live with you and your disorder anymore

Depression ain’t fun

It’s your teeth rotting because you haven’t brushed them in two weeks

And banging your head against a wall because deserve the pain

Anxiety is smelling fucking terrible because you keep sweating

And living in fear of walking into A&W because you might have another panic attack there

ADHD isn’t quirky

It’s nearly getting hit by cars because you forget to look before you cross the street.

It’s sobbing because you’ve tried to read this page 9 times now and you just can’t focus

And then the awful crash when your meds wear off

But that’s just my experience

[itwasfunatfirst]

I need buccal fat removal

[itwasfunatfirst]

i swear having to lose those 5 pounds you'd already lost.,,, again, fucking infuriating.

If i had even a little self control this wouldn't be happening

[itwasfunatfirst]

Something people don’t seem to understand about eating disorders

It consumes your whole life. There is no ‘eating disorder’ section of your day, it is all day every day. It’s not like “oh! This is my school life, this is my home life, this is where I manage time for my ed”. Your hobbies can be completely taken over, I spend my free time watching shows about food, I write about food, I paint thinspo, I walk my dog to burn calories not because I like walking my dog. No part of me is not a part of my eating disorder. Nothing I do isn’t disordered behavior. Everything is about food, everything is about weight, everything is about my ed

[itwasfunatfirst]

when you’ve got an eating disorder but it’s the holidays and people keep giving you food

[itwasfunatfirst]

Can I get wider shoulders and a smaller waist

Like. Please?

[itwasfunatfirst]

Green witch weightloss spell

Hey! I practise witchcraft and being the nice person I am, I’m willing to perform a weightloss spell for anyone who reblogs this before Dec 31, 2019. Keep in mind, this may get overwhelming for me very quickly, so if you don’t get a spell once it gets even closer to the end of the month, please don’t be offended, though I will try to do one for everybody.

Only reblog if you’re okay with me messaging you and asking you a few questions