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Just two girls buried in a grave six feet apart

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What am I doing!!?

So its currently 8:30 on a Saturday morning. I'm sitting alone in a departures lounge about to board a flights. Oh yeah did I mention i hate flying oh yeah and also im travelling alone. WTF am I doing!?

So lately I have been having a crisis of faith, confidence and existentialism. I realised I turn 30 in 8 months and the only thing I have in my life is my career. Which at the moment I hate. I mean i do love it but I also am growing to hate it. It's been getting me down. I feel lost and suffocated. So on Wednesday i woke up and thought i wish i could just go away for the weekend. One thing led to another and before i know it im using the measly savings I do have just to travel for two days.

And so here I am. Sitting alone in an empty departure lounge terrified, and excited.

Because i thought about it and realised life is too short. I need to stop waiting for other people to come into the picture before I start living.

Who knows it could be awful I might hate it. But it could be amazing. I could see amazing things, I could fall in love.

Some times in life you have to just say fuck it. So if anyone happens to be in Paris. In the next to days. I will be the lost looking one by the Eiffel tower!

Au revoir!!

xx

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Positive vibes.

Hearing the neighbors at work singing badly to the radio in the sun. Just giving that little bit of joy to work

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Waking up listening to serendipity, post watching vlive stream of Wembley, on a Sunday morning should be an actual mood.

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fat bodies are beautiful bodies

fat bodies are heavenly bodies

fat bodies are perfect bodies

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Feeling Self Conscious about wearing a piece of clothing you really love because you don’t think you have the body for it?

THEN LET ME BUST THIS DOOR DOWN AND TELL YOU SOMETHING!

YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON WHO SHOULD FLAUNT THEIR FASHION SENSE AND NOT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE SHALLOW CHADS WHO SAY OTHERWISE.

PUT ON THAT SCARF,

ROCK THAT DRESS,

SLAY THOSE JEANS,

STRUT THOSE COLORS YOU ADORE,

You are Goddang Royalty, and you treat yourself by looking good!!!

Cool?

Cool.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

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i’ve learned self care

and it isn’t what you think

it’s getting outside for some fresh air.

it’s drinking plenty of water.

it’s moving your body

and fueling it with nutritious foods.

it’s also wearing whatever you want

and knowing when to relax.

it’s learning new hobbies

and surrounding yourself with good people.

it’s body positivity, but treating your body right.

it isn’t, however, being unhealthy.

it isn’t eating an entire pizza daily

or drinking soda all the time.

it isn’t sitting on the couch all day.

it isn’t being rude to people

or doing drugs or getting drunk.

it’s not an excuse to let yourself go

it’s an excuse to better yourself.

do what’s good for you.

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My body confidence, dress size and me.

So, I mentioned in my last post my dress size is larger than it should be. My current dress size is 20/22. I never really talk about it, mostly because it’s not a huge topic of conversation. Being plus sized is something that I have dealt with most of my adolescent to adult life. I have always told myself it hasn’t affected me but in truth it has. 

I’ve always been a big girl. At school It was never an issue, I rarely got called out for it. The main reason for this was I used to make the jokes first. Looking back, I realise that I was degrading myself instead of protecting me, and I swore I would never let other people’s views define me. But bad habits are hard to kill.

In my mid-teens I developed bad habits, the one that stuck the most was eating alone, or secret eating. I would eat small portions around people and then eat more when I was alone. Toast with full fat cheese spread was like my crack! I did it because I didn’t want people to judge my weight on how much I was eating. I grew from it and tried to cut the habit down, which I did.

In my 20’s I failed to practice what I preach. I told everyone around me to love their body and then I would cry in the shower about mine. I spent almost a whole year not wanting to look at myself naked. I had a real crisis confidence. I don’t really know when it started, but it’s kind of still not gone away.

It was no one’s fault, no one pushed me into feeling this way. But some things didn’t help. For example, people started to comment on menu choices when I would go out to eat with friends. I have this one beautiful friend who whenever we would go out to eat at places would ask me why I didn’t eat the salad. See she seemed to have this impression that if I wasn’t eating it with them, I wasn’t at all. Not that it’s any of her damned business anyway! I started to hate eating with other people. I’m still weird about it, I often order less than I’d like, or eat less and I’m always thinking about what I should/shouldn’t do. Going Out for dinner has become uncomfortable for me. I hate it, I have a fractured relationship with food because of other people’s opinions. And it’s one of those things I’m still struggling to fix.

           My food relationship wasn’t the only one that changed. My relationship with fashion changed too. This is another thing that gradually changed. I don’t know when it started but it peaked about three years ago when I went back to college to train. Sitting at a desk all day gave me serious fear of the muffin top. So, I started buying tops a little bigger and flowy. And during the first summer I stopped wearing shorts and skirts than went above my knees. I started dressing for other people, I started the hide parts of me I though other people would find ugly and along the way I hid me.  I would look in the mirror and I would feel fat. I remember having a complete breakdown before the Christmas party a few years ago I brought a new dress, but it didn’t fit right. Nothing else I had made me feel pretty, the dresses I had felt either too short for my size or made me feel frumpy. Thinking back, I find it heart breaking. Up until that point I had never actually felt fat. I wasn’t naive I knew I was plus size, but I was comfortable in my skin.

All of this was going on and I was still telling people that their weight didn’t define them. I was literally letting mine define me. I had become everything hated; I was fat shaming myself. I sat down and really thought about it, I decided that if I was ok with it then who the fuck cares about everyone else. sometimes that’s hard to do.

Now at the age of 29, I still walk this tightrope trying to balance between positive and negative. My friends are absolutely beautiful, every one of them. They are literally a stunning bunch of people. I love them and they have never, NEVER made me feel anything but loved.  I see them struggle with their own image. The problem with this is, when those around you find flaws where you see perfection, you seek out your own flaws. When my size 12 friend pinches her ‘belly fat’ all I think is ‘she could literally fit in one leg of my trousers and she’s fat!? What does that make me?’ They don’t mean it like that, and I know.

Its society, throughout history femininity has been defined by a stereotype of ‘beauty’. Fashion shows like Victoria secrets don’t have a single plus sized model that’s above a size 16. Magazine have ‘circles of shame’ for all the unattractive parts of women. And then influencers are flogging bullshit lose weight fast short cut. We are literally teaching women that they have to change their body to be beautiful.

Being a big girl in a world that tells her people like her can’t be pretty, or attractive, or loved is hard. So, sometimes I Love myself and sometimes I don’t.

I look at it like this. If I think the important women in my life are beautiful. I must be beautiful in someone’s eyes. And if those eyes are mine, the beauty is still valid. For now, that’s good enough. Like everything in life it’s a work in progress.

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Flowers in her hair, demons in her head, drugs in her veins, madness in her mind, love in her soul and storm in her heart.

11-61. ☾ (via antihipe)

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I Want to be the bold type

Do you ever have that feeling? where you’ll be walking down the street music in your headphones, world around you passing by. And you feel like you’re in one of the films where someone meets a guy or has drama with their best friend? No? just me?

I feel like my spotify playlist is a soundtrack to my life. Like all the feelings you have are locked into the song forever so every time you hear it, it takes you to that time.

In reality my life is Super! Boring. Let me put it into perspective. I’m 28 years of age, single still living in the back room of my parent’s house. I don’t drive, and I work more hours than I sleep most days. I just finished my training to work in an under paid and underappreciated profession.  My dress size is larger than it should be, and the highlight of my calendar is the work Christmas do, which would be great if my team was larger than eleven….  I’m not exotic or exciting in any way, I’m a hetero white girl, literally the description of boring. I do have a couple of tattoos though. Oooo controversial!

When I was 15 I had a five-year plan. Get into College, train for my job, meet my future husband pop out a couple of babies and live in some semi- detached house with the family dog. I’m thirteen years on and have met one goal. I’m not always ok with it but sometimes I am. My life isn’t perfect or necessarily what I want it to be but its not terrible.

I recently watch a tv series called the bold type. It’s about three young women who work for a top women’s magazine in New York. Think along the line of if Sex in the City meets girls. Anyway, so it’s pretty awesome and kind of makes me wish I was at this level of cool and sophisticated at my age.

So yeah, I want to be the bold type. Not the American magazine editor bit, but the confident young woman being an absolute Boss. I want to feel sexy and have men find me attractive. However, while I sit here drink orange squash eating a single meringue nest I know its unlikely.

Anyway, what I’m weirdly in a super round about way trying to say is. I may not be Tiny Jane with her cool friends living it up in the city. And my life is nowhere near what I want it to be. I’m doing ok.

So, stick around and learn a little about my life.

X