jaymursjournal

[jaymursjournal]

Day 5...Joy?

What will bring me joy...? What path is filled with ease and naturally emerging creativity? Vitality...? What keeps me buzzing? Dreams... Super violent dark Knight... And another? Upon waking...Desperate doing...? Fulfillment...? Creating purpose... Security, status, familiarity, safety... Comfort zone...? Confidence...? Joy...? Phasing nursing back in...? Summer holidays...? Going self employed? Following my heart.... Not knowing, taking the risk... YOU are growing in new directions... BE gentle with yourself... EMBRACE not knowing... Try to allow your highest potential to manifest... US...REFLECTION...a new arrangement is needed in terms of day to day life, this relationship, and earning an income? feeling panicky, scared, insecure and worried...doubtful over finding a solution... FEELINGS OF LACK...EMERGING...mind constructing future ideas, thoughts...attachment occurring...suffering then manifests... BUT...feeling much more in tune in with myself...more aware... LOTS...of future attachment occurring...mind is busy in reaction to the uncertainty over the future and not knowing... ITCHY MIND... Restless, wavering... Nursing shifts... Local shift comes up... Effortlessly within hours of me thinking about it...?But it feels scary to go back there...? Need to tread carefully,Nurture and Nourish myself... Gently allow my confidence to grow...Slowly and gently step forward... PACE YOURSELF... Us... Discussion...Reminding her of our aim to stabilize this relationship... To keep working and not get complacent... Not turn away from life... Connecting with myself...?My needs...? Feel blurry when I have to look after the relationship aswell..:(...its so draining... US... Feeling sad now... :( don't like the painful bits but it can't all be roses and sweetness...

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Day 4...stillness...

Late night writings... Observing life...? Listening to life...? Peace...? Detachment...? This projection we have created, this reality? Madness... And becoming so tangled... Yet beautiful and so human... BUT... Why do we attach to things? Why do we try to prevent change? Us... Reflection...Feels cramped... Not enough space for me... And my needs...? Boundaries? Autonomy? Communication? Family scars over being manipulated? Vulnerability being exploited...?Kindness taken for granted...? Upon waking...Feeling anxious about putting boundaries down... Unsure how to put my needs first...? Worried, afraid, insecure... YOU HAVE BEEN GIVING SO MUCH... YOU ARE SO GENEROUS... Reflecting on life... It's all getting busier and busier... Us... Lisa in alot of discomfort, and needs to self soothe and fill her cup... I have done as much as I can and am now recharging my own batteries... No need to feel guilty or in the wrong... Mind is trying to label and define my actions.. Harmfully... With criticisms and judgements... But they are no use in this new life I am now Co creating... :) RE-introducing money earning...?Introducing "work" again...? MAYBE A NEW WAY OF WORKING IS NEEDED...? Us...?Still felt tense when I got back...? A whole day on her own with space and still things are weird...? Poisoning herself, abandoning herself, denial, deflection, disguise...distraction... Not self soothing... Not filling her cup... Will she try and throw it at me...? The poison? Gav... And the marketing stuff...?Wait... Patiently... Recordings... 1 overview_ reflection 2 a busy life_energy health _quantity not quality_ path to mediocrity_3 Lisa and the fam_4 what is the mind_ EHP LESSON OR RADIO PODCAST_

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Dartmouth Day 3...

Health? Artificial life? Natural life? Generations to come...? Living naturally or unnaturally? Fighting against nature? Not accepting its ways... A rebellious wounded society like children will fight to create there own path...? Listening to nature... Birdsong in jennys meadow... Switching off the mind...? Attention, interest...?Going elsewhere briefly... Society is seemingly being dragged and pointed inwards...toward itself... Being directed toward reflection... Away from external dependance, toward self discovery... And away from self abandonment Toward love and understanding... A Restless society... Reflecting on the trip... Play it all to your advantage... YOU deserve all the happiness in the world... YOU deserve all of your love... No need for a front or to be strong... Just be yourself... Back home...Tired...blurry...mind trying to be attaching itself to things again...? Doing alot too... Soothing Lisa...People pleasing... Self last...? BUT I VALUE MYSELF NOW... Self neglect...? Abandonment... Distraction...? THIS ALL CANNOT WORK ANYMORE... THESE PATTERNS OF HARM DON'T FIT IN THIS LIFE ANYMORE... THIS LIFE IS LOVE NOW...

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Dartmouth...Day 2...

LEFT HIP...? Stepping forward in life...? Yoga needed to loosen and improve flexibility Upon waking...Optimistic...feeling full of ideas... Inspiration... The new is coming... Love Yourself through it... Try not to attach to anything... Allow it all to move... Try to follow the joy... Enjoy the change... Every possibility awaits... Reflection... DEPTH...? been happy with attaching to the illusion since my invite to France... Galloping along with sagittarius energy this week... Not as much analysis or depth has emerged... as a result... (?) Us...Tense energy from Lisa when out walking but she did well, opened up and honestly talked through things... Energy then lifted... And things were resolved peacefully...and understanding from us both was gathered :) YOU ARE TRANSFORMING XXX :) anything can be coped with if you give yourself enough xxx Us... Second wave of lower energy, worry, anxiety... But managed, supported and encouraged things along... Got through it... Me... Awareness around people pleasing... Soothing others before myself...? managed myself well throughout... With good boundaries, openess, communication, honesty... Compromise... WELL DONE :)

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Day 1 Arriving in Dartmouth...

Layers of reality...?SELF... Social... Technology... Cynicism... Ignoring reality... Resistance... Embracing change...? Preserving balance...? The Need to keep up with things... Socialising... Feeling supported...?Fear of opposition...Family scars... Taking the stage... Self expression...? Family scars... ADVERSITY...? (SELF DOUBT... (bless you)... YOUR YOU AND THAT'S OK... WE ARE ALL NEEDED... SELF CARE...? SELF LOVE...? CONTACT WITH SELF...? Jenny & Keith... Keith...slave to the system...? Doing disease...? Restless mind...? Cynical... Lovely conversation...FROM BOTH... Varied, colourful... Letting others speak... ME... REFLECTION... enjoying my way of life right now... A WAY TO CONTINUE IT IS NEEDED...PLEASE... EXCITING TIMES... TRANSFORMATION... CO CO CREATION... Art idea:Lake of consciousness... Little me, drone shot... With huge beach... Touching consciousness as it ebbs and flows... ME... EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK... "love has got a hold on me..." So brave to step onto this path... To not know... Complete uncertainty is beautiful...

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Day 1...Reflection...

Dreams... Chaotic night out... Loads of random placesRandom people... UPON waking... Well done last night... Managing Lisa's meltdown... Controlled, boundaried... Up early again though...? Must get to bed earlier... BABY WOODPECKER... Out the front... INCREDIBLE... :) so grateful...Thank you lifey ... ME...REFLECTION...energy levels up and down... CONCEPT: LIVE blog... Video wandering... Add journalling notes after And music... PEOPLE... CONSTANT transmissions of energy... Information constantly sending... Me... You are transforming... New paths, new energy... New shapes... I am opening more and more to life and its ways... Receiving more and more and becoming more and more aware of its ways... Trusting it and exposing myself more and more to its way and its types of support... Feelings of unity and oneness... :)

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Day 31...Nothingness....?

Peace...? Stillness...? 

YOU deserve amazing things... YOU can allow lovely things into your life... 

It's OK... You are worthy of them... And the more the better... 

Auntie Brenda...keep an eye on things....bit wobbly again...

ME....so much sagittarian, galloping energy around...fun loving feel...light...energised...adventorous... FEED YOUR BUZZ... XXX

feeling bliss and joy...so grateful... thank you life... so much energy and flow today...xxx

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Day 30...Rest?

Stillness...? Peace...? Detachment...? Emptiness...? Nothingness...? LOTS OF NEW ENERGY...Being allowed to flow... Xxx OPENING NEW DOORS...well done jamer xxx YOU ARE CREATING A NEW REALITY... New Hope... Optimism... A wonderful day... Mind is not sure if it is real... Reflection... Self care? Self love?

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Day 29...Acceptance?

Dreams... Me and Lisa...Dating again but different places and times... UPON WAKING...Accepting what you are given... Not making life any more then it is... Yet nourishing your dreams... And allowing yourself to fulfill your potential... A delicate balance... Energy health Partnership ... Reflection...Too clinical, corporate... Cold... Not enough compassion... Want more warmth... Love... A delicate balance... EARLY WAKE UP... SUPERPOWERED...LOADS OF IDEAS....CREATIVITY...hyper...lol...adrenaline...lolEXPLOSION OF HOPE... PURPOSE... OPTIMISM... SUPER SOCIAL...IN TOWN... SELF DOUBT...?SELF CRITICISM....? SELF ABANDONMENT...attachment to the illusion...the minds content...leading to feelings of lacking... MIND...overactive today... Bubbling away with content... Tempting me to attach and abandon myself... Self care has been lacking... Been difficult to keep balanced... Bless you jamer... This wavering mind... Sickened by hope... Dragged around like a rag doll... Attachment... WHY was there these ideas this morning...?Unconscious response/reaction to feeling worthless, hopeless, helpless...? ORa sign, a synchronicity... CAN I NOT JUST ACCEPT WHAT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN...? (Seneca) Fidgety mind... Ceaseless change of purpose, Changing position until weary... Always changing conditions... Always dissatisfied... YOUTH IS STILL WITH ME... LOL... THIS MIND IS RESTLESS... Lots of emotion around... (full moon crest) Sadness that I struggle to accept this life as it is... But also feeling grateful at all the things I have... MENTAL INSTABILITY... lacking resources today... Reflection...REALIZATION... Its almost like I am clutching at ideas and new projects...so I can still believe I am might become more then I am... (not being good enough scar...) DISSATISFACTION WITH ONESELF... GRASPING AT HOPE... DESIRE TO BE MORE... TO BE BETTER... Is it arising from the fear of not being good enough(family scar...)?

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Day 28... Full Moon Swell...

... Switching the mind off... 

Accepting life as it is...?

Accepting what is given...

Releasing the old...

Creating space for your potential to grow...

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Day 27...Humility...

Fragile, tender...Delicate...Vulnerable... UPON waking... Purpose...? Self worth...? Belief structures...? Emotions? SELF CARE... SELF LOVE... Us...Lisa struggling... Distracted...Attaching to other things... Me...Feeling her discomfort...Soothing and people pleasing... Forgetting my needs... Tiredness... Energy given away... Feel disorientated now... Dizzy... Feeling insecure, low... SELF ABANDONMENT... Self neglect... Tenderness...? Self care...? Self love...? Not a good time for people pleasing... Bless you jamer... AWARENESS of this habit has increased... Feeling weak, helpless, insecure, worthless... Tender, vulnerable... BECAUSE... Not valuing yourself...Putting your needs last... LOW SELF WORTH, LOW SELF ESTEEM... and you can see why now... Xxx xxx xxxAWARENESS is increasing... Xxx xxx xxx xxx TRY TO BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF TODAY... mind is itching to define, label...trying to know...?it is responding to this energy...desperately trying to soothe the discomfort by encoding, constructing... is it trying to soothe its own discomfort? this mind has fever and sickness today...YOU are suffering from imbalance and mental illness today... TRY TO EMBRACE THAT SICKNESS AND DYSFUNCTION... you are only human... Try to soak yourself in love... The unconditional and undefinable... Nurture yourself back away from the dualistic judgements, definitions and labels...Towards oneness, unification, wholeness... Toward safety, security... Back to a place where you don't need to knowA place where you don't mind what happensA place of surrender... BE GENTLE... embrace impermanence... ALL will change... Soothe yourself back to health and balance... A period of imbalance and Dysfunction... Mind bubbling... With belief structures... Thoughts..."how are you gonna cope with working in your life...?" you are so fragile, so sensitive...? I DON'T KNOW HOW... I HAVE FAITH THAT NEW WAYS OF BEING WILL GROW IN MY LIFE... MY attention...? Where does it go...? What is it attracted to...? Conditioning... Status, sense of connectionAnd community... YOU ARE HEALING AND GROWING... The need to be doing...? (conditioned/false need...) Maintaining perspective... Time to grow and heal... WELL DONE FOR GIVING YOURSELF TIME... XXXYOU ARE GROWING XXXYOUR AWARENESS IS EXPANDING XXX Observation... Distractions... TV... Gaming... Self esteem wobbling... YOGA... well done xxxlooking after your body... Xxx Ongoing insecurity and fragility... Xxx COURAGE to still dream...? To believe...? So much sadness...Feeling so much pain... So much discomfort... Mind looking for comfort...Distractions... Ways to avoid the discomfort... BUT... there is the strength and faith and love to sit with it... TO NOT FEAR THIS DISCOMFORT... Where is the discomfort coming from? The mind? Where is the insecurity coming from? The fragility? WHAT IS THE SOURCE OF THE DISCOMFORT? Neglect...? Self abandonment...? SEPERATION?INSECURITY?ATTACHMENT?TEMPORAL CONFUSION? is it the learnt patterns? Conditioning? causing discomfort?The core patterns are family built... But is it them? Or societal conditioning...? External bias...? (desperate to know...?) This mental and emotional approachto neglect, abandon, ignore, judge, criticise...to damage...? To limit, define, dualise, seperate... Fix... Know... Control... Weaken... Very curious...? How can I nourish and Nurture now? How can I love this discomfort? The difficult part...The real me is not what my mind has made me out to be...the mind has created a false version...This is very challenging to deal with... The world I have perceived is also false... Projected... Constructed... In relation to my inner being... The real just is...? I just am...? No definition, no labels, no judgements, no criticisms, no conditions... simply being...suspending thought while retaining consciousness... Butwhat is the source of this awareness...? The roots of it...?

[jaymursjournal]

Day 26... Creation...

UPON WAKING... HEALING... Of the ego distortion...And grandeur... Destiny...? Part of the collective wave...? Being love...The water of life... Itchy mind... Purpose hunting...? Status...? Meaning...? MIND ACTIVATION... Definition, Labeling... Distraction...? Avoidance...? discomfort...? MIND ACTIVATION...? SELF ABANDONMENT...? NO NEED TO ABANDON YOURSELF ANYMORE, YOU ARE DESERVING OF LOVE... Of happiness, of joy... Meeting with Gav...?Lateness...? Left hip tightness? (moving forward...) BUSINESS/MARKETING... All ok... More things growing... :) that's ok... :) More opportunities... :) MORE GOOD THINGS... XXX :) MIND ACTIVATION....?no leave it alone... SIT ON THE HORIZON OF CREATION... YOUR ENERGY IS GOOD... LET IT FLOW OUT INTO THE WORLD...places will emerge... SO GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF THIS BEAUTY AND CREATION... US...in the loungePain... Discomfort... Suddenly...? Felt strange all of a sudden...? Then we were disconnected...? WALLS HAD GONE UP... DEFENSES... Unconscious mind activation/defenses...? MIND CONSTRUCTS... BUT AGAINST WHAT...??? WEIRD vibes from Lisa's fam stuff... FAM TV stuff... Hannah stuff... Tinks stuff... BOUNDARIES...? ALL going too fast for me...? feeling insecure... Struggling to process everything... NEEDS...? COMMUNICATION...? MIND ACTIVATION... Defenses...Mind Constructing DUALISED, polarised content about Lisa's family... That they don't like me, don't want to support me... Don't think I am doing the right things, don't think I am good enough....WHY DIDN'T WE GET THE TV? Emotional attachments... Belief structures...THEY DON'T LIKE ME... (assuming they have Judged me...?) I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH ...(self criticism...self judgement...) Pain... Discomfort... felt hurt... Emotions then attaching to these beliefs... Produced from paying attention and interest to the belief structures... SEPERATION... STRUGGLE, SUFFERING... Not coping... SELF ABANDONMENT... Feeling Lacking... Self hatred...Mind activation... Beliefs... You are weak, pathetic... Vulnerable... Childish... Self doubt, worry... you cant cope with life... MENTAL & EMOTIONAL TOXINSBuilding UP... then the habit to project it onto others emerges... To dispel... To vomit... EMOTIONAL VOMITING... Psychological fever, sickness... YES... So all the poisonous toxic stuff has to come out... BUT... conscious of it this time... So have not thrown it at others... WELL DONE JAMER XXX Not creating it is the key...? NXT STEP...? conscious creation and choices psychologically... Mentally, emotionally... Conscious use of your power to create... LOVING ATTENTION...needed...to be given to all parts of me... On all levels... SO MUCH FEAR... desperation to protect... From my mind... So much damage, so many wounds and scarsSo fragile and vulnerable... Such quick defenses... So much pain, sadnessAnd suffering in my past... Bless you xxx almost like an instinctive,knee jerk mental reaction...?

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Day 25...Mind Activation...?

When does it activate...? And how...? Self expression...(throat CHAKRA...)Short story writing about the mind... :) MAGIC... Dream...Me and Lisa fighting and arguing again...? UPON waking...Feeling angry...? But how...? Insecurity...Bubblingtrying to plan and manage the day... Control... Know... Feel Safety... Security... MIND ACTIVATION...?   BUT IT CAN BE A GOOD DAY... YOU HAVE THE CHOICE.. YOU HAVE THE POWER... YOU CAN CREATE CHANGE... YOU CAN CREATE SAFETY... YOU CAN CREATE SECURITY... TRY TO EMBRACE YOUR POWER... Visit to Town... Zapping... Tiring... Contraction energy...? SELF CARE...? YOGA... ALLOWING joy... Happiness... Not using mind... But heart instead... SELF EXPRESSION...? YOU ARE GROWING... WALKING YOUR OWN PATH... Movie time: hidden figures What type of mind do I have? Philosopher? Artistic? Creative? SELF DISCOVERY... SELF KNOWLEDGE... Reality Construction...? We don't understand natures design yet... Yet we are building computers to create it...? With our own algorithms... Finding answers to questions not even asked yet...? MY FUTURE... Gently open the doors that your potential will flow through... YOU CAN DO IT... Energy Casting... Reality Construction... The courage will come... The confidence will come... Through self knowledge... And through self discovery... Self love... Self care... Nourish and Nurture yourself... Your dreams... And your life... Hope... Attachment... Future based constructs... Grandeur... For my self esteem... Fuled by inferiority? Not destiny? MIND ACTIVATION...? Realizing the constructed aspirations I have built... The dizzying illusion...? Attachment... Exhaustion...

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Day 24...No Mind...

Leaving it all alone... Try not to touch it... What emerges? Naturally? Natural creation? Dreams... Homeless... Starving... Eating chunks of meat...? UPON waking... Mind bubbling... Thankful for purpose... Thankful for hope and work... Grateful for this life... Excited... Monaco gp... Moving a little too fast...Doing a bit too much... SELF ABANDONMENT...? Just be you... Human... Wounds are healing...Distortions in reality are lessening... YOU ARE ENOUGH...THERE IS NO LACK... EXTERNALISATION PROCESS...? looking outside of myself for solutions...?CONDITIONED HABIT... distraction...avoidance...denial...? SELF ABANDONMENT...? IDEAS OF LACKING THEN EMERGE... DISCONNECTION...?SEPERATION...? STRUGGLE...?NOT COPING...? THE EQUATIONPERCEPTION OF SELF...?PERCEPTION OF ENVIRONMENT...? STRESS...? ATTACHMENT...? IDENTIFICATION WITH MIND...? you are not the mind and its illusions... More detail needed? emotional attachments?BELIEF STRUCTURES...DEEP ROOTED...(conditioning...) MIND ACTIVATION...?what causes it to construct, interpret, encode andconfigure?the production of mental structures...beliefs....iscaused by what?

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Day 23...belief structures...false self...

...? Family stuff bubbling up...insecurity and self esteem issues....confusion...uncertainty and doubt...Not feeling wanted by them... 😞 (EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS...?) external (false) need arising for sense of achievement, purpose...status, to bolster self esteem...? EXTERNALISATION PROCESS BEGINS...GAMING...nope...lol... cock up...new phone deal... looking outside of myself for solutions...?CONDITIONED HABIT... SELF ABANDONMENT...? IDEAS OF LACKING...? DISCONNECTION...?SEPERATION...? STRUGGLE...?NOT COPING...? PERCEPTION OF SELF...?PERCEPTION OF ENVIRONMENT...? STRESS...? ATTACHMENT...? IDENTIFICATION WITH MIND...? you are not the mind and its illusions... More detail needed? emotional attachments?BELIEF STRUCTURES...DEEP ROOTED...(conditioning...) FAMILY STUFF AGAIN...Challenging energy being interpreted as pain...Sadness...Seperation... Unhappiness Idea formulated this morning...(defensive?) "Not feeling wanted by them..." 😞(a hint of blame?) Causing a...Shaky, wavering mind... Mind reacting to the emotions, reacting to the thoughts, ideas, opinions... It's being fed and encouraged to define, label... Value, judge... Polarize, dualize, seperate, fragment, shape... Control... Know... And then feel safe, secure... BUT WHAT IS IT FEEDING ON? it clearly needs different food to become stronger... It's responses to certain emotions? Thoughts? Feelings? Ideas? Pain, sadness...Unhappiness...? Angry, frustrated response to them: so I assume you are going to ignore and avoid this problem aswell then? Not talk, just bury it...avoid me... Ignore things... BLAME... SHAME... Minds responses to the energy interpreted as pain, sadness, unhappiness...? Defensive...Defining...Dualising... Polarizing... Labeling... ALL CONSTRUCTING efforts... To know... To understand... To make sense... DUALITY SYSTEM/OS BEING APPLIED... TO THE ENERGY... reflection...current opportunties?so many different things going on 🙂so much potential for new growth... POSITIVITY...TEMPORARY RELIEF... THIS WAVERING MIND... constructing...configuring...encoding... ABANDONMENT? Distraction...? Avoidance...? US... we are getting there... Boundaries improvingAutonomy is now a norm... Communication is strengthening... I am starting to feel understood, respected, loved... No better feeling... Xxx Bliss xxx joy xxx love xxx Recordings... 1 this construct _ the duality os_ true reality_2 me_ true self_ constructed self_ opposing forces_ evolution _ big picture_3 configuring reality_ current OS_ revision_ creativity 4 our purpose_

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Day 22...Abandonment?

Eternal Presence...? Dreams... Writing... Training... Journalism... Website stuff... PIP career progression :) Me and writing :) Seneca... Hope again... Constructing a new me... Mind bubbling... What about my dreams, aspirations? All that writing...? Was that old thinking? Old patterns? old ideas...? do i have the resources to achieve my dreams and aspirations? Today... Getting up with Lisa.. Boundaries... Giving.. Me...Purpose... Security... Safety... The known... The easy road...? CAREER...? Be mindful... Hope... And its highs... Normality... Acceptance... Safety... Security... Comfort... Familiarity...? What are my needs?FALSE needs come from the wounds... The scars... False needs are that which distort life... What of real needs? Sadness and pain bubbling up... The real me is asking for its needs to be met... It wants to feel safe, secure... FEELING SCARED AND INSECURE... Been attaching to the hope and safety, the purpose and status, the acceptance and approval of THE PIP PATH... Temporary strength, comfort and hope gained from the illusions of the mind and it's constructs... Abandonment of self Via distraction? Bless you jamer... Trying to save yourself... From your true self... Your unfamiliar self... Xxx Identification / attachment...?Externalisation process...Disempowerment... YOU JUST ARE... recordings...1 Tanya_pip interview_ part 1

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Day 21...Tenderness...

Dreams... Hospital work... Looking after myself... Sustainability... No Not anymore... It's chaotic... Too demanding... I AM NOT SUPERMAN... What do I want? This new life... This transition... Fulfilling my potential...? Needing stability... Safety... Self care... What can I manage? Feeling sadness... Letting the old life go...Feeling insecure...Moving away from the savior/hero role...Feeling pain... Nursing was too much for me... Bless you jamer... Needing to achieve and succeed... After growing up with so much Toxicity and criticism... Had to give so much... Too much for me to cope with... TRY TO SIT WITH NOT KNOWING... WHATEVER IS NEXT WILL COME... Feeling very tender, vulnerable, weak... Exposed... YOU ARE HEALING AND GROWING XXX I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE NEXT STEP IS... and that's ok... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TYPE OF JOB, WORK OR CAREER WILL SUIT MY NEEDS... and that's ok... 2nd dream... In the wild trekking with family... My lot, nightmare, stressed... Panther? Mum and dad's friends...? Icy with me... Jerry bacon in the garden? Losing Lisa..?Shouting and stressing at everyone... No control, safety or security... Me... In limbo... Afraid to create something new... Not sure I deserve it? Want it all to be perfect...(abuse scars/duality scars...) No right or wrong... The real me... I really don't know me... I really don't know what I want to do... So much time engaging with the false self... MY REAL NEEDS...? Going out....?Doing something...? Purpose...? Feeling sadness... Pain... Family scars bubbling up again... The criticisms, judgements, anger, conflict... No desire to construct another version of myself... Just want freedom from duality... From judgements, labels, criticisms... THAT'S MY PASSION... transcending duality... Being free of manipulation... Being free of duality... Being free of judgements, criticisms... BUT YOU ARE HUMAN... the very experience of life is bound it seems... By opposing elements... The nature of creation appears to require this... As a driver of change... As an instigator of cycles... And movement... Nature creates and then evolves... That's how things change... Our minds are devices that allow us to create... We have that power... Accepting these patterns of energy appears to be the best path... Understanding they are all part of creation and the cycles of change that is the experience of life... Reflection on Life...I am living in a time where there is much physical and material evolution... Alot is changing on the surface... But what of the roots and the deeper, unseen parts... Life with Lisa...Kids...? A house...? Life experiences... Mind bubbling up with material... Discomfort...? PAIN...? Anger, frustration... Insecurity... Fear of manipulation...BIG CHANGES... Giving away your freedom...Giving when you don't want to...(FAMILY SCAR...) THIS ALLERGY...?reaction to life...fear of life... The next step...What do I need? Stability, safety... Structure...? Creativity? Passion? Afraid to make a decision because then I can be judged... Criticised... Manipulated... Controlled... I am feeling very afraid... Of life... I am feeling very sensitive, fragile, wounded...Mentally weak... I don't know what to do... Courage to create work seems to be lacking... And I am not willing to do jobs created by others... (Seneca...description) I am weary of change... Because of ceaselessly changing my purpose... Dissatisfied with myself...? Mental instability... Not daring... Not achieving... Sickened by hope... I am neither ill nor well... This mental weakness wavers between choices... I have an aspiring mind that lacks inner resources... My desires get sent on distant hunts returning empty handed... Choosing an easy task or role...? I end up not feeling fulfilled... I don't gather a sufficient sense of achievement... Choosing a difficult task... I get scared and overwhelmed by it all... Finding a role and job that I am strong enough to do and that brings me fulfillment... ? FROM WHERE CAN I FIND MENTAL STRENGTH? (mind desperately trying to understand things...minding alot and needing to know) The gift of life itself? Is that not enough? The disconnect... The real self... Years of neglect, avoidance... Years of ignoring and choosing distractions... Years of denial... ABANDONMENT... ETERNAL PRESENCE...? Recordings... 1 In limbo... Purpose_ creating reality_ harnessing my potential_2 reflecting on life_ don't know what to do_ living beyond duality3 COME DOWN_ realizing the real you_ 4 THE false self_ abuse_ the real self disconnect _ pain _ suffering _ fear5 not knowing what to do_ how to move forward_ AUTHENTICITY_6 the authentic path7 me and my scars_ nothingness_ emptiness_ real needs_ false needs_8 constant fear_ manipulation_ money_ constant insecurity_ fear of criticism_ people controlling you_