jsuhosh94127

[jsuhosh94127]

[jsuhosh94127]

Hidden | 04-09-25, 12:06

something to keep me creating.

[jsuhosh94127]

lampshade | 01-16-25, 7:23 AM

I am more of my soul and my mind can be.

I am more than the light that the stars and the galaxies combined.

I am the existence and time woven and intertwined, I am,

I am divine, exploding, pulsing heavenly, the life itself.

Why do I always feel obliged to hide beneath the black holes and inequities of my insecurities?

My mom always tell me that I am capable of all the things I want to be. That, I, was conceived when she least expected it, a miracle of some sort. A silver lining on the dark clouds that blinded her. She considers my life as a blessing. That, again, I am molded to the image of Him-- the God that created the beauty of the valleys, mountains, and prairies. My eyes, nose, lips, and every curve that goes through my body is a connection of the Creator, a wonder of His being, alive and breathing.

And still, why do I succumb to these? All my life I am nothing but the person overshadowed by her hollowedness.

As the night unfolds, I hope and I prayed, upon the stars and the nakedness of the sky; to fill up my hunger, to satiate the need to be known and loved beyond the husk that the eyes can see and the minds can judge.

Art by Nadine Kruithof Illustration

[jsuhosh94127]

2025 will be my year. i will be healthy, financially stable, academically smart & happy ୨୧

[jsuhosh94127]

2024 | 12-31-24, 5:18 PM

hi, blog! ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

this ones long due over, but we're going to clutch like what we used to. i should have posted this 2 days ago but i am too caught up with like a lot of tasks, so i am here to still post this and keep you up with my 2024 recap.

this year was not as grand --in my perception of grandeur-- like what i could think of, but it is one of the best on my list. there's a lot of small wins that happened, which if looked on a bigger picture, it is more than what my 10 year ago self can imagine. as you may notice, on my last post, i always mention my old self. and, you might wonder why do i keep on mentioning my teen self. well, on all the people and past selves i've encountered, she is the strongest and fun of all. i know it to myself, she is the most, if not, the wisest on her own way. i owe my future and present to her.

she had carried me through the nights the only thing i can think of is just to end it all.

anyway, this is getting long and too personal. i gotta save sentiments to myself. hahaha

i was able to buy things for myself ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ - man, i don't know where did the money came from all of the things i own right now, but the only one i know who to thank is God. for making me frugal on my purchases and having my bf to help me on purchasing (as an awkward introvert, i can't even stand being on a shop without sweating and shaking.) i have my new lappy and pad and a lot of. i was even able to surprise my brother with a phone. i am very grateful for that i was bale to sustain my spotify subscription (i'm just a girl, huhuhu i can't work without listening to music). there's a lot of things i was able to buy so that i can take care of myself better. also you, buy that thing that will make you happy, healthy, and satisfied.

buy gifts for fam ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ - unlike last year, i am able to give more this year without too much planning on my budget. God had provided me more than what i can think of. and it is my turn to be the giver, not because i am the ate or stuff like that, but i am too blessed to not share it with my love ones.

go back on drawing/arts ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ - i am really thankful to the Lord for having a bf that knows what i need and knows me. recently, i was able to go back on a bit of digi-arts. i hope it would continue next year and to practice it more. (i will make sure it would be one of my goals.)

buy lippies and start a mini collection ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚- collecting lippies may not be really practical but i have realized that among all make-up products, the one i love and can't live without is my lippies. i discovered as well on myself that i like pink, cool, neutral shades. and make-up is something that you can mix and match to suit you not the other way around. i also was able to get back on doing make-up on events and not being shy about me wearing make-up. if it makes you feel pretty, no one should make you feel bad about it. it's your life and living it as good, weird, and fun as you want is your priority.

buy home appliances ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ - ahhhhhhh~ this one is really the one i was able to tick off on my list. it really takes small steps and patience. there are still some on my list but i know i am getting there and will be able to be there.

personal reflection ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ ʚɞ ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆ - as an infp, i think being a reflective person is a must. there had been a lot of moments this year that i have sit down and paused. may it be on relationships, finances, work, and on my existence. truly being on your mid20s makes you reflect a lot. i am not a kid no more, i must think an adult-- but then, i realized that time is just a label we have put on our being so that we can quantify the quality of our life (do you get me with this one?). whenever i am starting to compare my wins, there is this one quote i have seen somewhere that keeps me from compromising my self and go into a spiral of existential crisis. i can't fully remember it nor have it word for word, but since i am a child, a woman came out of anger, my anger as well will never be incomprehensible and consolable. it will be a life battle i need to live on--scarred and blood-stained-- i have to fight for the will to continue. thus, comparing will never help me build a life i always dreamt of. so yeah, helping myself to think better is a war but that is the only thing i can do to make this life i have be the best, not just for me but also to my family. i was able to be more patient, kinder, loving, caring, and understanding not just for myself but also to all the people i know. i was able to acknowledge my mistakes, say sorry and be more vocal about my emotions. i was able to be quiet and calm, but never invisible. at some point, i also thought that maybe everyone is just trying to be kind on their own way and i should acknowledge it. i started to look at myself in a more meaningful way, rather than keeping the blame on other people. i started to be more real with myself.

i don't know if all of these makes sense to you, but for me yes. i just rushed this one. like always! hahaha. 2024 happened so fast, i almost lost track of it, but looking back it is really a year of personal reflections and getting at peace with your inner struggles.

for this coming 2025, what i wish and pray for to happen is that may i continue being true to myself and not keeping up with the trends nor reflecting other people's words on my life. i will listen to my will and dreams, work for it. pray more and be steadfast. all good things happen at the time when you're ready to accept it. ⋆ ·˚ ༘ * i am ready for all of the blessings that are about to come; a new house/home, work, financial stability, prosperous relationships, and a more authentic me. ⋆ ·˚ ༘ *

and to all of you who had been with me on this journey, i am grateful that you were there to witness all of these and be part of it. may all of your prayers be heard as well. for the good of all and love, may we always be full of gratitude, love, and hope.

thank you and happy 2025 y'all!!!

*ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻*ੈ✩‧₊˚

[jsuhosh94127]

first class | 12-18-24, 7:48 PM

in between this life and in the future, i am exhausted and tired.

is my worth only counted on the way i give?

on how big and small?

am i quantifiable by what my hands can let go?

so i just put my earphones, block all my hearing so i will never know what words could hurt me more. i am tired of putting up from time to time. to live on expectations. i would like to say that i dream of myself, but there's no clear vision of it all.

all i wanted was to be far away from here. dancing in my own kitchen, running around my bed, cooking at 2am. waking up at four, or maybe later than that- put some tracksuit and run for hours. i have lived so much to understand, forgive, and let go and give. to be wise in all of my decisions. carefully considering each action to make sure that i am able to never hurt no one; by words or deeds-neither of those i choose. but i'll be more than ready to serve my self.

i want to live far from here.

i want to be seen.

i want to be loved, known, and heard.

[jsuhosh94127]

2025

⋆˚✿˖° 𐙚 ₊ ⊹ ♡⋆˚✿˖° 𐙚 ₊ ⊹ ♡⋆˚✿˖° 𐙚 ₊ ⊹ ♡⋆˚✿˖° 𐙚 ₊ ⊹ ♡⋆˚✿˖° 𐙚 ₊ ⊹ ♡⋆˚✿

i just know that 2025 will be one of the best years for me.

so, i'll just be ready and do my best. align all my affirmations and thinking with my greater and higher and wonderful self out there. i will be lavishly experiencing all of this, until i can say day one.

⋆˚✿˖° 𐙚 ₊ ⊹ ♡⋆˚✿˖° 𐙚 ₊ ⊹ ♡⋆˚✿˖° 𐙚 ₊ ⊹ ♡⋆˚✿˖° 𐙚 ₊ ⊹ ♡⋆˚✿˖° 𐙚 ₊ ⊹ ♡⋆˚✿

[jsuhosh94127]

blues | 08-02-24, 07:02 PM

no one knows what

a grail of touch

soft and warm

let me know

the heat of your heart

keep me in

[jsuhosh94127]

touch | 08-08-24, 6:58 PM

after all the good things and all skins, are we still the persons we think we are? if there's no day and night, let your light shine through all of this darkness. And I will put my knees on the floor ever so gently and my hands on your feet to show that there's no heaven apart from the fleeting experience of being laid by your eyes.

[jsuhosh94127]

1,2... 3? | 08-07-24, 08:10 PM

one, close your eyes and run. hold it tightly, my hand. give me the courage to walk, tiptoe, and slip on this long narrow land. i've been starving to taste an everlasting love and to satisfy my mouth's desire: a drop of acknowledgement, an ounce of forgiveness, and a cup of what could have better.

two, weeks and a month, aching body and twisting mind. who am i to oppose an upper hand? as a child with bones and flesh, is it a duty to batter such fragility and dream, to crush it into dust then wish for my downfall.

alas, alas? alas! i am no more but a young inside a big body, bruised and chained of all the dreams that had been passed by.

my dearest soul, forgive, forget, move forward, love and live then laugh as you might for a future with no limits will be yours.

[jsuhosh94127]

what were they all afraid of? | 08-06-24, 07:30 PM

one thing i will never understand is how is as we navigate in this life, had never have the ultimate desire of resting, intentionally. i am, for example just a speck of dust in this entire vast place, and would sleep to slumber to wake up; brush my teeth and pucker up my face in the mirror., which will then continue living unlively- to survive today- and just do it again all tomorrow. i am a daughter of the sun; an object of desire for happiness, for it to find its epitome in my smile, wide-eyed teeth all out burrowing in the darkness of nothingness but all for the sake of being. i am all in the clouds all nerves connected here to heaven, to sea, to the ocean, within its depth on my eyes I see through. oh who am i to be, who i am to be, who am i or i am for them to be afraid of loving as much as diving into my whole personality? am i? i am? all worth of this. all worth of this.

[jsuhosh94127]

form and bloom | 08-06-2024, 07:06PM

full blooded and armed, scratches and a few inches damned. make my heart bang loud and tough, until my chest rips apart, pieces by pieces, skin by skin... i am made of no less than iron, with flowers for fuel, feet are strong and hold for this duel. i have given my pose, not for this opponents to oppose, but for my self, to run and choose, to reveal, a warriors flesh in red and liquid, with all set on fire, i am, in the night, the all i want to be.

[jsuhosh94127]

road, big ahead | 08-05-24, 07:30 PM

darling, what is it? stick your eyes on the rod, please don't hit the curb. give me an assurance of your love, through big road in Silicon City. look at me with your sparkling eyes made of plastic and stainless steel, hold my hand with your cold hands made of metal and copper in the midday. shout my names over San Jose, rasping through the air, all crackling in the pathways and nasty walkways. open my wisdom, and touch it through with two of your fingers, bestelð, glances and a hurrah, then a period. through screens of liquid displayed with crystal flowing, show me your face, your intentions, the reality of it all. in each streets, delicates a love untouched and pinkish, oh dear, hold me not for i am just a fraction. Sloven's and bare of silver-gray wired body.

[jsuhosh94127]

a future ahead | 08-12-2024, 7:16 PM

in the summer, oh what a bummer. when did my body become like this? so much for the teen days, much bigger-- arms flabbier and all muscular. i hate it here. i hate it here. up to my nose the sweet smell of the sunflowers, in the air, crisp and lighter, oh what if i am not? like my stomach tied in knots all flat and tighter could it be me? or just a shadow of nothingness in the winter? like snows and drops of water in the winter- all consumed just to seek your eye looking at me, here, here. oh my lavender, give me just a day, just a break for me to have a gasp of air, to look at different places, and accept more than what my hands can hold, my skin can feel, and my eyes can see, my mouth can taste. oh what a waste.

[jsuhosh94127]

When you treat your body right, you feel good about yourself.

tw: food, body image, anxiety

I have always been trying myself to fit on the standards that this world has set. It is tiring and really sucks to the deep parts of your soul. It is energy draining and would really I've been on my lowest weight and has been on my heaviest. It also take a toll on my mental and physical health. First, I am eating less and less until nothing. I would also come to a point where I would just drink more water and lesser solid food intake. Then until I would just be drowsy and groggy since I would not eat anything and move more through doing HIIT exercises. Did I lose some weight? Yes. But did I lose some half of my identity? Yes as well. In what way? I see myself liking my new body but would restrict more to stay on that image but being honest, I feel shit and not feeling better. I maybe on the best image I could let people see but having it makes me throw up, have a lot hair falls and feel so cold most of the time. Second, I still struggle liking food. I still sometimes think what would happen if I just couldn't eat or maybe eat but no calories or nothing could bloat on my body. I am always tired of thinking about food that wouldn't add to the weight I already have would be a dream. However, that is not life and isn't even enjoyable about. Then, is it always worth the hardship? Right now, I realized I need to embrace my body. I need to talk positively about it even by just looking at the mirror and saying two good things that would help me feel good instead of having anxiety at all times. As you know, some dieting and exercises may work to some and not to me. I may get big or small, but there are things will be the same. I can carry and hug kids, make them happy and I can carry bags to help other people. I will continue being kind, despite the struggling hate and love relationship I have with myself, the body I am in a vessel of the universe for its kindness and love to flow to the world. I am the child of the universe through this body, no matter what I look.

[jsuhosh94127]

is letting go a real thing?

crazy it is, but, it is and the same time not.

crying on the floor, curled up like a ball, huffing and puffing up my chest, clutching my lungs to get that air up my breathing. it was the scene that is still up my memory whenever i try to go back on that moment — the first time i was broken hearted, cheated, lied about.

i don’t even have the time to process those feelings. all i think that moment is i am defeated. he chosen the other girl; the one he cheated me with. so i try to look at myself and where did all things go wrong. from the way i dress, up into how i look. am i not enough for someone to be the one they would choose at the end. so, what did i do? i mustered up all the strength at that moment and i carried on like what i used to do. that was my first year in college so what a girl would do? be an academic freak. i graduated my class with latin honors, and ranked on the top 100, got my license just some few months after graduating. i did all of these, well one is for my dreams and parents but most likely to just show these people how i run.

back then, i am so naive just to set and let people hurt me. as you know, if ever i am hurt, i’ll let it go and let things happen. i’ll never even try to get back at them but focus on myself and how i would be better. well, the underlying thought about it is that, am i really pleased with the out come or i am just trying to heal parts of me or i am redirecting hate into positivity?

and looking at it now, i realized i have never let go even after years. the pain is still here. i am just, maybe blessed to let my anger gauge in to productive thing. because some time after a long time, hearing and seeing their names still haunts me and makes me ponder of “what the heck, they’re still together ?” or makes me think when will karma just catch them.

even how many times i have already asked and confirmed it to my self that I have already moved on and have let go of my anger, pain, hatred. it circles back to my actions and the way the memories haunt me.

i’d never let go and moved on. i’ve stayed for too long on the pain. it is within me and never the place, but a bag i carried.

and it is all alright. none of it is not allowed. grief of what we were is always right to feel, and it never goes away but through time becomes much smaller as we grow. but we will never grow out of it. we will just be able to handle every bit of it. we will be able to understand how to handle it when it comes on our front and how to let it be.

hope is the thing that helps us move forward. love is the thing that keeps us moving. and forgiveness is the one that keeps us feel lighter. truly, no one ever fully moves on.

but, one day we will be able to just peacefully sit with it and let it be.

[jsuhosh94127]

˚˖𓍢ִ໋✧˚.🎀༘⋆ Strawberry June ˚˖𓍢ִ໋✧˚.🎀༘⋆

May all our desires and prayers this June finally come to life! All the hard works will come true and finally all aspirations be fulfilled. And, all things and blessings will pour down overflowing with much love and tenfold!

Hoping a productive, blessed, and cute June for all of us!

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆