keephisname

[keephisname]

9/28/2023 @ 3:08 a.m.

Damn.

Well, things have changed. Back at school and all. I did message you a few times. You've answered back a few times.

Yesterday and the previous night were intense, to say the least. I was just playing Minecraft, almost ready to go to bed for my classes the next day, when Moo called me. It was weird, like 11:30 -- he had never called me at that hour before. He said, "I know this is an odd time to call, but I think this is important enough, and I don't think it should wait." He said he reached out to you, and the only response he got was you repeating what you posted on your story: I give up. I went directly with a screenshot to Ronnie and Clove. Of course, Clove didn't answer for a long time, even after frantically calling him. I went right into focus mode, trying to get in contact with you, and make sure Moo was still hearing from you, Ronnie and Clove knew what was going on and trying to reach you as well. I haven't had a panic attack in a while, at least not for months until yesterday night. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel my toes and fingers. I fought hard to not claw at my back again. Moo tried to work me through it, and that was honestly kinda cute. Ronnie was pissed. I still don't know what the hell "Remember" means.

The worst part about you not answering anyone, I was terrified I would wake up tomorrow to hear that you were dead. I'm happy you had people there to keep you from doing anything. I don't even care if it was ... he who I shall not name. I know you haven't attempted in years, but I know that depression can sneak up on you. I begged Clove to convince me that you would be alive when I woke up. I cried and told him to make me truly believe, by any means possible, that I would not wake up tomorrow to the news that you had done something to hurt yourself.

But the relief that I felt when you messaged me, and I finally knew you were okay, was matched with what I can only describe as rage. Rage that came from the months of us being apart, the fact that when I was messaging you, you would occasionally answer like nothing was wrong, like you hadn't cut us off. Then guilt. Guilty of the same crime that made you want to be away from me in the first place. All three came together to numb me entirely. Clove had to call me and force me to go do anything at all. And still, the guilt is eating at me, because even though it was you going through this, it has affected me in a way that makes me unable to help you in the way you deserve.

You almost tricked me. I think you want this to be over at this point. It was smart, giving me a "deal" where I could spill my guts to you, and we would just move on. I'm not falling for that. God, I want to. I want to so bad. I want to cry and scream until my eyes and throat bleed. It's not fair, it's not fair how you did any of this, it's not fair you did it in a way I couldn't be mad at you, it's not fair that you didn't tell me directly, it's not fair that you want me to just tell you everything and expect everything to be fine between us, its not fair. But I can't do that. I can't do that to you. You deserve this chance to heal. I'll figure out the right words. I'll figure out what we do next. I'll say the right thing, and we can take the next steps; not together, but towards the same direction. At least, I desperately hope.

XX,

Ms. U

P.S. I read back through my previous two posts, and jesus christ, I was not doing well. What I write from here on out, I promise will be more articulated and not so god awful.

[keephisname]

8/6/2023 @ 1:37 a.m.

It's been a few days. I honestly haven't been doing much better.

Clove has been, thankfully, keeping me in line. I've realized over the last few days that I'm kind of a bad person. I'm not really sure where it came from. But oh dear god, how bad I've wanted to be petty. I've wanted to message your younger sister type petty. I wanna text you again and tell you you're a bad friend for doing this type petty. I wanna go to your house type petty. I wanna leave a note on your car type petty, I wanna tell friends just outside your circle type petty. But I also learned I'm a coward. Cause everything I want to do is not directly at you.

I honestly didn't think you were working today when I went in to return those shoes. I thought you had taken weekends off this summer. Maybe you picked up a shift. Maybe it was just another thing you didn't tell me. But I couldn't face you when I saw you at the register. Clove said it would be fine, that you weren't even at the register, you were just at the desk, and it would be okay. But I couldn't do it. The sides of my vision got dark, and my chest got heavy. Again, just by seeing you. Clove was worried I would confront you in some way, when the reality was seeing you at that moment sent me into a near panic attack.

I pushed the shoes at him and got out of the building. The last thing I was going to do would be to make this public to strangers.

I did post about you in an off-handed way on Snap. Again, both petty and a coward. But, in my twisted defense, I had gotten no more than three hours of sleep in 3 days. I was up every single night thinking about losing you, how you were feeling, and just how awful you made me feel. I just wanted you to know how shitty I felt cause you cut me off in this way. It frustrates me not knowing how you're feeling, cause I'm awful and want you to hurt just as bad as I do. I just mentioned everything that happened in the month and concluded it with the last thing that happened in July -- you. I dint mention your name. just that I "damaged the relationship with my best friend of ten years." I followed it up with a post about the support structures that I have and did send genuine appreciation to those who have helped me. I didn't mean the second one to be pointed out against you. I honestly didn't think you'd see either of them. I was surprised you did check.

I did get messages from people I haven't talked to in a long, long time. Some I barely even know anymore. That felt nice, in a weird way.

Also, I told Buzz what happened. I miss her so much, she's always been an angel. I told her you cut us off (Myself, Clove, and Richie), and that it wasn't good. I told her to reach out to you and check on you. I hope you talk to her, and open up to her a little. Talking to her always makes me feel better, and I hope she makes you feel better too.

Richie did text me. I'm going to tell him to get in contact with you. I understand cutting off me and Clove, but Richie didn't do any of what you told us. It feels like he just ended up swept into this without any say or wrongdoing on his part.

I just can't bring myself to tell my family. They'll ask too many questions and it will just make me feel awful all over again. I'm just not ready for that yet. I know I have to, but goddamn it's so hard.

I'm debating texting you when I head up to school. I don't know if it'll be too soon, but I feel bad thinking that ill leave and not say goodbye. I don't know. I don't want to push you so hard that you end up blocking me.

Today was better. I have no idea how the rest of this week is going to go. Maybe ill get better at writing these.

xx,

Ms. U

P.S. I figured I'd get in the habit of using fake names. I know that's cliche, but I think one of the reasons writing these entries is making me feel better is because it feels like this is fiction or some weird reality story that'll "one day go viral and it'll become a movie" type beat. It's nice, nad it makes it a little fun in a weird way.

[keephisname]

8/2/23 @ 1:54 a.m.

So I guess it starts. I honestly don't know how to. It's the first time this has ever happened.

It's funny, because the only thing I can think about is how before this the worst thing to ever happen between me and you was arguing over who would pay for pizza at the beach house. We got into a screaming match about how great the other was, and how it was only fair that the other paid because they had already done so much. Robby had to come upstairs. he was the only one brave enough to step in between us if we were having an argument.

I keep thinking that wasn't too long ago. And then I remember it was nearly four years ago. And how much has changed in those four years. And ho win this moment, without you right beside me, I wish nothing more than to take all four of those years back.

I'm writing this like you died. I know you haven't, but I think a part of me has. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. When Carmen and the beach house happened was probably closest. It took me the whole rest of that summer to feel any sense of normalcy again. I remember how hard you defended me and my feelings in that moment. I wish you were still talking to me. Ha, again, I'm saying that like you've been gone for years. and it's only been, what, two fucking days? I feel pathetic.

I meant what I said. I tell you everything. And I guess I don't know how to function unless I'm telling you everything. So, that's why I'm doing this. This is my way of still telling you everything. And I guess so I can heal in some way from this. it hurts. It hurts so bad, dude.

Right now, only Clove and I know. Richie's asked about you. I don't know when we're going to tell him. I have to tell my mom too. This'll kill her. She's always seen you like her own. I guess Buzz doesn't know either. Fuck, that's gonna suck. Hell, I don't know who I should and shouldn't tell. I wanna yell it from the rooftops, just to see what you'll hear, who you'll hear it from, and find a way to still be connected to you. Instead, I'm still tagging you in TikToks, like you'll ever look at them. The only solace I get in any of this is you haven't blocked me. Maybe one day I'll follow you on this blog, and you can read everything I've written for you.

When I go back to school this year, I'm going to find a therapist too. The only option you've left me with -- since we can't grow together -- is to spend time growing on my own. it's the only thing I can see to do. It scares me, because what if you come back, and we're too different? if we've both grown in a way that my kids don't call you "uncle"? That you're not next to me when I get married? It's funny, I think -- I was gonna do that proposal before the end of this summer. You know, before tax season? Like we always talked about? That way we could both be engaged for our final year. it would've been so great to see the look on people's faces.

I think ill end these with what I'm listening to. You know I love my playlists. I made one about how I feel right now, like the dramatic emo idiot I am inside. I've got to find some My Chem to put in there, that'll really sell it.

I miss you. And I'll never stop.

xx,

Ms. U