kindaambitiouslylazy

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Lyle fell off of his chair when a lightning bolt struck his kitchen table and a demon appeared.

“Hello, my name is Dan, and I have been assigned as your personal demon.”

Lyle’s mind blanked and rebooted. “A demon? Why do I get a demon? Susie got a gnome and Jeff got a unicorn!” Seriously? He’d been waiting months for his familiar to manifest, and he gets a demon? Named Dan?

Dan the demon eyed him judgmentally from where it was sitting on top of his charred table. “Well, Jeff is a jerk and Susie is probably going to rule the universe. You don’t hear me whining about getting stuck with a pathetic human who can’t even suck out a soul.”

Momentarily distracted, Lyle blurted, “Wait, what? Some humans can suck out souls?”

“Yeah. Brunettes named Ann. No e at the end.” Dan inspected Lyle’s breakfast of soggy, and now sooty, cereal with disgust.

“Huh. That’s… oddly specific.”

“Yeah, it’s a whole thing. But the point is, you suck. Or to be more accurate, you don’t.”

“Well, I mean…I’m double jointed?”

“Both unimpressive and useless.”

“Oh shut up. What good is a demon, anyway?”

“We can take any human soul straight to hell, breathe fire, and we get a 50% discount at all Walmarts.”

“Huh. I can’t think of a need for the first two right now, but I do need to go grocery shopping. I guess I should feel something at knowing Walmart is the official store of hell, but, I mean, we all knew that.” Lyle nodded sagely.

Dan shrugged. “Yeah, it’s pretty obvious. Even if they refused to rename it Helmart, like Barry suggested.”

“So, um, what do we do first?” Lyle ventured.

The demon whipped out a clipboard and put on a pair of reading glasses. It muttered under its breath, marked off a few items, and then put the clipboard away.

“First, we will start with life lessons. Important and wise sayings to help you navigate your wretched and useless life as a human.”

Lyle was trying to be optimistic, but Dan was not helping. “Oh, like proverbs? My great uncle always says those at family reunions.”

Dan eyed him. “Is your uncle Sid the Destroyer?”

“No, his name is Fred,” Lyle said nervously.

“Hm. Well, one of my personal favorites is ‘The early bird destroys the other birds in their sleep,’” Dan announced gravely.

Lyle frowned. “Um, no, ‘it’s the early bird gets the worm.’”

Dan leveled him with a flat look. "Don't be absurd, why would anyone want a worm? You don't get up early for a lousy meal. You get up early to destroy your competition.”

“I think demon life lessons might be a little different than humans…” Lyle trailed off, not wanting to be offensive or insensitive to demon culture.

“That’s because humans are morons.”

Lyle blinked. Well, obviously Dan wasn’t worried about offending him. Which, rude.

“Okay, how about I say some of the ones that I know, and we’ll see if they match?” Lyle suggested. “I’ll go first. If at first you don’t succeed—”

“Blame someone else,” Dan finished immediately.

Lyle tried again. “A bird in the hand—”

“Will peck you, because birds are evil.”

“A penny saved is—”

“Worthless. Like worms.” Dan folded its arms.

Lyle plowed on. “A stitch in time—”

“Disrupts the space time continuum.”

“An apple a day—”

“Is better than worms. As is virtually everything.”

“Wow, you really have a vendetta against worms, don't you?” Lyle was getting a little irritated.

“They're pathetic, like failed snakes. Only a moron would want one,” Dan said flatly.

“Well, they're actually really good for the soil, and—” Lyle wasn’t sure why he was getting so defensive of worms. It’s not like he actually liked them. They kind of freaked him out, with their creepy little bodies. But now he felt weirdly responsible for them.

“Case in point.” Dan looked at Lyle judgmentally.

Lyle sighed. It was going to be a long day. “Okay, well, I’m not sure how helpful those life lessons were, but maybe we can move on. What’s next on the list?”

Dan inspected its clipboard again. “The eradication of worms.”

Lyle glared at the demon. “It does not say that. Aren’t we supposed to, like, bond or something? Sync up our powers and figure out our destiny?”

Dan nodded. “Exactly. We will bond through the eradication of the worm species. Then, we will destroy other universal blights.”

Lyle sputtered. “What? Are you saying my life’s purpose is universal pest control?”

For the first time, Dan smiled. It was not pleasant. “Yes. I had hoped for something nobler, but I lost the bid for both Susie and the delightful Maria. I have adjusted accordingly. While less glamorous, extermination brings me a certain satisfaction. Now, come. We must get to Helmart before it closes.”

Dan swept out of the room.

Lyle stared after him, then pulled out his phone and texted his mom, “Headed to Helmart to prep for worm genocide. :/ Wish me luck!”

She replied almost instantly, “That’s nice dear, please pick up some milk.”

Lyle sighed and trudged after Dan. Milk and worm poison it was.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Hester was terrified of slugs. She knew they couldn't really hurt her and they were incredibly slow. But sometimes she had nightmares about them sneaking up on her and just...oozing on her. She always woke up in a cold sweat, shuddering in great gulps of air.

In all honesty, it wasn't too bad until she moved to Oregon. Slugs apparently loved the Pacific Northwest, and if she didn't need this job, she'd be on the next flight out. But the first couple of weeks, she was busy unpacking and organizing, and she didn't go outside much, so the slugs were a non-issue.

The first time it happened, she was trapped by a tree, staring in terror at a slug on the sidewalk.

“I'd give anything for that slug to disappear,” she whispered.

“Anything?” A voice asked.

She looked down and a squirrel cocked its head at her quizzically.

“Um, I mean, almost anything. Within reason,” she said cautiously.

“Would you give a bag of smoked almonds?”

“Uh, yeah, definitely.”

“Done!” Chittered the squirrel in triumph. The slug vanished in a tiny poof of smoke.

Hester blinked and the squirrel was gone, too. There was a tiny note on the sidewalk, and written in elegant cursive was the message “leave on your windowsill, please.” Hester blinked again, shrugged, and went to go buy almonds.

The next time a slug appeared, she froze. Then she remembered the squirrel and internally debated about whether she was insane, and if she was insane, if it was still worth it to try and replicate a hallucination. But the slug oozed a millimeter closer and Hester decided she didn't care.

“I’d give a bag of smoked almonds, or some unsalted cashews, for that slug to disappear right now!”

“Done!” A tiny voice chirped.

Hester looked down in time to see the slug poof out of existence and a squirrel perched on her foot.

“Um, thanks. Uh, before you go, could we make this an ongoing thing? I mean, like a deal where I bring you your preferred food and you make sure slugs are never within 50 feet of me?”

The squirrel cocked its head, considering. “We don’t usually do long term contracts, but honestly, we actively look for opportunities to get slugs; that’s how we found you the first time. We monitor for that kind of thing. Anyway, Larry will come by your residence at 8pm tonight to work out the details.”

“Larry?”

“Our lawyer.”

“Oh. Um, if you don’t mind me asking, how exactly do you make the slugs disappear like that? And where do they go?”

The squirrel puffed its tail. “It’s a standard demon squirrel power. And we send them straight to the 9th circle of hell, where they belong.”

Hester wasn’t sure what to address first, the idea of demon squirrels, or why slugs deserved to go to the 9th circle of hell; not that she disagreed. Slugs were the worst. “What’s the 9th circle of hell?”

“Treachery. Those bastards know what they did. Anyway, be ready at 8:00. Larry likes macadamia nuts.”

And then the squirrel disappeared and Hester stood there for a long moment. Then she went to work and after work, she stopped by the store to buy more nuts. Maybe she could set up some sort of nut subscription service? Or maybe she should just order them in bulk. Did nuts go bad? What did slugs do to make demon squirrels hate them? Why was this her life?

She sighed, and filled her shopping cart with a variety of nuts. At least she had a solution to her slug problem.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Preview kid’s books and movies

It can be difficult, but whenever possible you should watch and read things before you let your small children try them. 

Because small children latch onto things and get obsessive and if you’re not careful you could find yourself trapped in a world with Dora the Explorer and the most boring kids book ever (I hate “Are You My Mother?” Why is that book so popular? It’s stupid and boring, especially for the 10th time in a row. “The Gruffalo” is much better). 

Whenever I look at a new book or show, I ask myself, “Am I willing to watch/read this over and over again for the next few years?” If the answer is no, I will burn it. Not really, but you get the idea. Be careful--your sanity depends on it.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Use the right program

Too often people waste time by using the wrong program to do something. There is a specific program for pretty much anything you’d ever want to do, and there’s a reason. They work better. Can  you create a spreadsheet in Microsoft Word? Sure. But it would be a lot easier to do it in Excel. 

Stop making excuses and learn how to use more than one program. It will pay off in the long wrong and people won’t look at you like you’re an idiot when you complain about how long it took you to edit a picture in Microsoft Paint.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Record the little things

Remember how I posted about journaling and how I suck at it? Well, I actually am getting better, thanks to my journal app (I love that thing, though I wish they’d let me add multiple photos and video to entries). 

Journaling can seem boring because life can seem boring. But think about all the things you wish you knew about you when you were little or about your parents or grandparents at different stages of life. 

And not to be morbid, but think about dying. What memories do you want to leave for your family? My dad died when I was little and I wish that he had kept a journal so I could feel like I know him better. 

So stop slacking and start recording.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Creative Homework

Reading and writing are important. However, they’re not the only way to learn. If your students are bored, spice things up. Have them watch and analyze a YouTube video. Assign a podcast. Have them put together a video response. Join the 21st century.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

These are seriously weirdly addictive.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Now I’m just on a roll. I should use these for my students.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

More writing advice from Ryan.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Because I realized there is a sad lack of writing advice from Ryan Gosling.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Topic Sentences

I hate topic sentences. I think they’re stupid. But I have to grudgingly admit that they’re important and helpful. So, here we go.

Topic sentences are the best way to provide flow and transitions between your paragraphs. Topic sentences are the first sentence of each paragraph, and they can do the following:

Introduce the paragraph (always--think of it as a mini thesis statement)

Tie back to the previous paragraph (always, unless you provided a connection in the last sentence of the previous paragraph)

Tie back to the thesis (always, unless the paragraph is part of a series of smaller paragraphs talking about the same subtopic)

If you can't do number one, it usually means that you are trying to cram too many different topics into one paragraph, or the paragraph has no point.

If you can't do number two, it usually means that the paragraphs don't fit together and you need to rearrange the order of your paragraphs. It's also possible that you need to add more information to connect the two, or that one of the paragraphs is unnecessary and you need to delete it.

If you can't do number three, it means the paragraph isn't important and should be deleted, or you need to expand your thesis to include it.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Effective Analysis or How to Write a Longer Paper without Resorting to BSing Your Way Through It

Written analysis is often difficult for people. There are multiple reasons for this, but one of the biggest (which I heard from a fellow teacher) is that people tend to label instead of analyzing. 

For example, saying things like "The author uses a lot of pathos to illustrate her point."

What does this sentence actually tell me? Do I know how the author is using pathos? Do I know if the pathos is effective or ineffective? Do I know why it's effective or ineffective? Do I know what point is being illustrated?

No. Labeling things is easy, but it also provides zero helpful information and zero analysis. Labeling also gives the illusion of analysis, so people think "Well, I talked about ethos, logos, and pathos, and I only have 2 paragraphs. There's nothing else to say without repeating myself. How on earth am I supposed to write six pages? I hate writing!"

If you have difficulty writing longer papers, I can almost guarantee you that you are labeling information rather than breaking it down and analyzing it.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Time Management

If you struggle with managing your time effectively, because pretty much everyone does, try using a Pomodoro timer. 

Pomodoro is Italian for tomato, randomly. But basically, it’s a system where you focus on a task for 20 minutes, take a five minute break, work on the task for 20 minutes, and so on. After four pomodoros, you take a longer break, 15-20 minutes. Then repeat.

It’s amazing how well this method works. I’ve used it with cleaning, with grading, with freelance writing, with homework...pretty much any task that I didn’t want to do and was dreading.

There are also, of course, a ton of apps for pomodoros. 

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Multimedia Children’s Books

And, in case you want some kid’s books for your tiny spawn, here are some favorites: 

The Gruffalo and The Gruffalo’s Child (Netflix)

The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Other Stories (Netflix)

Goodnight Moon

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?

Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?

Your Personal Penguin

Sandra Boynton’s YouTube channel doesn’t have her books read aloud, but it does have videos for some of her awesome kid’s songs.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Reading to your kids

If you are the parent to a small person, you may have noticed their tendency to latch onto certain books. And they want you to read the same book to them over and over and over again. It’s incredibly boring, but it hurts your ears when they scream. 

So, if you need to get dinner ready, go to the bathroom, or just retain your sanity, see if someone put together a reading of that story on YouTube. There are an amazing number of children’s books being read aloud on there. 

Failing that, why not record yourself reading the book aloud? Then you can just put it on an endless loop for your kid and escape to the kitchen for a few moments of alone time and some hidden chocolate. Everybody’s happy.

[kindaambitiouslylazy]

Skimming

If you’re a student, you should know how to skim. Especially if you’re past your undergrad, or planning to continue onward. 

The higher your education goes, the more you will be expected to read, and there is no way to read it all without skimming. Skimming is not cheating, it’s making sure that you get the most out of your reading in the most effective way possible. In fact, skimming, done right, often helps you to learn and retain information better than reading traditionally. 

If you’re new to skimming, click here for a brief rundown.

*There are many ways to skim, so find what works best for you. You’ll know you’re skimming correctly when you can participate in an intelligent discussion about what you read without getting lost or confused.