kingnin64

[kingnin64]

I LOVE GENDER NONCONFORMITY

[kingnin64]

Twitter got boring and my social media addiction is no longer satisfied by scrolling it so I'm gonna try using Tumblr for that instead. I still wholeheartedly prefer Tumblr and despise Twitter but it's so hard to not see my friends' posts anymore

[kingnin64]

Long post incoming

Coming to Tumblr for this because:

formatting rocks

birdapp character limit is pathetic

less people will see me vent

I'm sad about my sexuality:

I am struggling to be happy with the fact I am aroace. It's hard knowing that there's this thing I want so badly, something I really want to feel, but I'll never be able to properly feel it. The feeling is fleeting or never there. My consistency is atrocious, and I've lost things I really cared about as a result of my own rollercoaster of my romantic feelings.

The feeling is never there, except for when it randomly is, on an extremely rare occasion. And, the one time I've been truly confident I felt it, it quickly deteriorated into the same numb sensation I've commonly felt when thinking of romantic love. I've not stopped feeling bad about it, regardless of how much I've tried to cope.

The issue lies in the fact that, despite being aromantic, I still want to love. I still have something there that desires that romantic attraction. I loved being cared for romantically. It was incredible, and genuinely the happiest I have ever felt. But it's like some days I wake up and feel like love is not a concept that exists. And when that happens, it really, REALLY hurts me.

I start to feel like I am not a good romantic partner. I am just someone who is leading someone on. I am not present enough, I am not as committed, and it feels like I am "falling out of love". That, in turn, makes me feel like I am hurting someone again. The idea that someone could love me and I wouldn't love them back, after everything I said during the moments I actually felt *romantic* makes me feel like a terrible person.

I know I'm not, but it still hurts me thinking about it to the point that I eventually call things off. Then, I regret it. At this moment, the feelings slowly come back. I don't know if that's because I'm thinking about the positive feelings or if it's because I made a mistake in leaving. Like, maybe I just timed it very poorly.

Regardless, I feel awful. I am so unbelievably sad that I cannot feel this thing I want so badly. It always feels like a bad idea, something that will inevitably end in more hurt, all because of some uncontrollable feeling.

I know I should learn to love my sexuality and be proud of it, but at this point, it has started to feel like a sick curse. From what I've seen, typically, aromantic people have been content without a romantic relationship, it's just not something they care too much about due to being uninterested in romance in general, I think. I could be wrong about that. It just feels so good to me, the whole "uwu romance kissy kissy you're my partner" thing. I love the talking for hours, the butterflies, the warmness in my chest, coming to the brink of passing out because of an incredibly cute conversation, the lovedrunkeness...

It makes me so sad that I am this way, but this is not to say being aroace is invalid. I am just looking at it in the same way I hated my depression, which is a very unhealthy way to look at it. There's this thing I will never have, a thing I really want, something that has made me so happy, and that makes me feel sad.

Thankfully, the last romantic relationship I will probably ever have ended healthily, with a surprisingly mutual feeling. Had there not been a mutual experience at the end, I probably would have felt so much worse. Thank god for platonic relationships and that secret third option. I'd be entirely lost without it. To say this in the worst way I can, I just wish I was "normal". I often think about what it would be like if I was.

Thank you for reading, and please don't take this as me saying aroacespec people are invalid. I am only upset that I am arospec, because I really feel incomplete without a thing. It is entirely valid to not be interested in that thing. I have the interest, but I also have the lack of the romantic feeling required for that interest. That hurts. I doubt I'm the only one, but I've not seen anyone talk about this personally yet.

[kingnin64]

It's almost been a year since this post and it's still so true <3

Kazzie

My qpp pickle kazzers is an impenetrable forcefield that can cure me of whatever terrible fucking day I've had, because I just had such a terrible day up until they woke up and through some of their magic, I was immediately made happy and I have been smiling. It's as if everything is okay again, and I am so fucking lucky to have them in my life. Genuinely love them so much and I can't even begin to express how much overall positivity they've added to my life. I've become more creative, I've become more willing to be myself, and I've become more motivated to make it through each day. I've made it my goal to be the person I want to be, just as they are who they want to be so unapologetically. They're so fucking cool in every way. They are the most interesting person in my life and it is absolutely inspiring. I feel like I'm dreaming every time I even *remember* that I get to go home and talk to them, and it's that feeling times a billion when I actually do get to talk to them. I feel so loved and cared for, I feel so fucking important and appreciated finally. I feel like I can talk about whatever I want to them and they will listen and support me. I am so much more comfortable pursuing MY interests, because I know they will always support my endeavors. I don't have to pretend, I don't have to be shy, I don't have to hold back. I am happy. And if they are all I ever have for the rest of my life, I will still be happy until the day I die.

[kingnin64]

Feeling everything I thought I'd never feel again, all because I met someone who blew all my expectations out of the water. It's so hard to comprehend, but it's so easy to feel. I'm in comfort, like swimming in warm honey without the stickiness.

[kingnin64]

My music taste lately has been "think about them <3" and "bang my head"

also these play counts can't be accurate, I know damn well I listened to French Food at least 6 times today alone

[kingnin64]

Damn right I do 😎 I start and end every day with music

I've been putting Puppy Dog by Dreamer Boy on repeat for like forever istg my puppyfriend partner has banger taste in music

[kingnin64]

I am genuinely the happiest dumb idiot dog alive. I have so many words to say but I feel like I'm floating in space rn, it feels like dissociation but in a very good way, all my thoughts are love and all my feelings are good. I just am so lost in the sauce rn man gosh

Amazing day log 31 August 2023:

I have a platonic pupfriend and I'm their platonic kitfriend :3

[kingnin64]

I wish I could understand what I feel and come to a conclusion on who I am already. Like I was CERTAIN I was aromantic but sometimes I just feel that one feeling again. I'm definitely on the spectrum, but I really do wonder if it's just the PTSD bothering me. Anyways, it's really pointless in the long run. When you think about relationships, they really don't add anything and only take away freedom. They restrict you and set you up for heartache and failure. I do know I believe that. I feel that. If I can feel this way for a friend, and just be a special friend, I will do that for the rest of my life with them. It's crazy how much power a label holds. To anyone else who may be thinking about this, it's okay to never lock yourself into a romantic relationship. You're not missing out on much. You are only told you need it. I am happy, of course. Just a little frustrated that I can't find a way to describe myself or my feelings. It feels like something nobody has felt before, honestly. Thanks for reading :)

[kingnin64]

im so in glove it make me stupid.. :3

[kingnin64]

I just wanna hide myself

behind a book inside my shelf

a self help story never helped

but tiny spaces, comfort felt

I'll write love stories, but won't feel

Forevermore, got time to kill

I read your words, they feel surreal

A feeling void; still sent a chill

Escape this earth into our minds

In other words, we'll find our time

For now we'll go outside to dine

On one man's trash, our precious wine

Forget the dangers of real life

Feel what strangers end with strife

Without the pain, without the knife

Soundly sleep on a romance spine

[kingnin64]

I always know every day will end happily, so I make it through to the end <3

Amazing day log 31 August 2023:

I have a platonic pupfriend and I'm their platonic kitfriend :3

[kingnin64]

This made me feel so much emotion idk how to explain it but I wanted to cry lol. It's so damn beautiful

Color

[kingnin64]

When they ^w^ it makes me uwu til my heart goes x.x

[kingnin64]

AAAAAAA IM SPEECHLESS I SWEAR I DON'T DESERVE THIS AMOUNT OF LOVE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO HANDLE BEING SO CARED FOR ❤️❤️❤️

You're okay, you're alright I'll never, ever leave your side I will stay, I will fight With you

@kingnin64 <333

[kingnin64]

Kazzie

My qpp pickle kazzers is an impenetrable forcefield that can cure me of whatever terrible fucking day I've had, because I just had such a terrible day up until they woke up and through some of their magic, I was immediately made happy and I have been smiling. It's as if everything is okay again, and I am so fucking lucky to have them in my life. Genuinely love them so much and I can't even begin to express how much overall positivity they've added to my life. I've become more creative, I've become more willing to be myself, and I've become more motivated to make it through each day. I've made it my goal to be the person I want to be, just as they are who they want to be so unapologetically. They're so fucking cool in every way. They are the most interesting person in my life and it is absolutely inspiring. I feel like I'm dreaming every time I even *remember* that I get to go home and talk to them, and it's that feeling times a billion when I actually do get to talk to them. I feel so loved and cared for, I feel so fucking important and appreciated finally. I feel like I can talk about whatever I want to them and they will listen and support me. I am so much more comfortable pursuing MY interests, because I know they will always support my endeavors. I don't have to pretend, I don't have to be shy, I don't have to hold back. I am happy. And if they are all I ever have for the rest of my life, I will still be happy until the day I die.

[kingnin64]

Dropping my protopuppy bf in the bathtub to kill myself :3