kirielenka-blog - Tumblr blog

[kirielenka-blog]

A letter to a stranger... Or whoever finds this. My father's name is Robert, and he really loves to stargaze. He wanted to name me after a star, but my mother disagreed. And that was their first fight. My mom sometimes wished she was the sky so he could love her but the celestial gods knew she would never reach the heights he wanted to touch and see. Their paths had to seperate, my mom took me to Poland. There were beautiful mountains and a river close to me. I sat at the bank, the sky was my only friend. My mother started drinking and she had no time for me, the other kids, they never had any sympathy I forgive them all but I will never forget how lonely I felt when no one sat next to me. My mother found a man who made her smile again she fell in love and fell harder than I ever will she worshiped him like he was the god of her dreams. I used to wonder what she saw in him, from the first moment his eyes were mean. His soul was dirty, but hers wasn't as clean either. They used each other and remained bitter. My mother started losing herself the very moment I started finding myself. Then my father called and I thought he forgot about me and the things he promised to me the way he told me I'll always be so important to him. But my mother hid his number and told me he abandoned me she lied but that's okay I forgave her already. She needed help and she had to stay away from me my father came and took me in his arms. He cried a lot and I don't remember why because I couldn't understand it back then I was so happy to meet him again. The second time I had to move was to Slovenia. In the mountains again. I loved the mountains because it was all I ever knew all I had besides the stuff I was going through. His wife was very nice and she promised she'll love me like she loved their daughter. She never did but that's okay and I forgive her I never loved her like I loved my mother. Her arms were very cold and she never did my hair she never talked to me like she talked to her and she never asked me do I crush on some boy in school. No matter how hard I tried, my sister was always the better one. I never had my favorite food for lunch but I had meals and that was more than enough they never hit me, they never put me down but they never lifted me up like they did to her. I forgive them because they were the perfect family. Even more perfect without me cause when I came along it's like I ruined everything. Sometimes they had fun conversations and when I came into the room, it became silent. I tried to impress them, I learned a few instruments. I really liked the violin, she's still my favorite friend. I wrote poems and I always tried my best but they would only say that's good and they left me alone in my room. I cried myself to sleep and often asked myself why. Why do I have to be the outcast no matter where I go? What's so wrong with me and my weary soul? So I just closed the door and in loneliness I sat with books and video games and moves and internet friends. I lived in parallel worlds reading stories about characters I looked up to. I always wanted to be like Arwen, or Hermione and as brave as Sylvanas Windrunner. I made up my own stories too where the main hero always had a similar story to mine and they felt lonely but in the end everyone loved them and they finally felt like they are enough. I still feel like I'm not enough. And years went by, I spent them in my room. I have a few friends, the others wouldn't care if I just disappeared. And many things changed, but I just know... One day I'll have my own family and my children will have beautiful eyes. And I'll choose my husband wisely, I will love him and he will love me. We will be enough and my children will be happy. We'll live in the mountains and every day I will wonder why was I so afraid to be myself.

– L. Siedlecka Krajnc | Looking for answers | Poetry excerpt

[kirielenka-blog]

Requiem of a starry night. Even stars give up from the light. They fall, dying in their own pyre, and wretched I won't survive the dawn in your arms I starve all over again. The rhythm of your anger makes me growl and stutter I'd much rather cry and scream how you slaughtered the Sun I extract life from.

The lullaby of my limbs stops playing trees are growing inside my veins my fangs thrust like blades my venom hurts like a thousand words but I won't fight I'll look away.

Your words still roam in my mind... The things you told her are rampage to my heart. You're both aware I was dying that night You're both aware you killed me with a stare I wish I could flush my eyes out and forget I know you regret it, I know your storm never lasts. But I can't erase it, I can't make it go away it's screaming in my ears and it's toying with my head it's screaming in my mind, the serenade of pain don't turn away from my corpse, don't look through my despair.

Betrayal.

– L. Siedlecka Krajnc | Looking for answers | Poetry excerpt

[kirielenka-blog]

Everyday echoes haunted by Eden Emerald eyed demons earning their prey Everyday words ember in battles Extinguish the fire, won't erase my left lung.

My fears might mess with the meaning Of their mechanical mumbling And many snakes might come out Of a muddy mouth My fear is the maiden of might They're monstrous and may hurt me But I'm a Valkyrie.

Pathetic they say And they're skipping the privilege The parade of promises The parade of poetry They're flipping the words Panicking, not stopping Desperate for that parade To peak into paradise.

Abolish me, abandon me Stand above my arteries Aggress me, step all over me Look, my heart is my armor You look in awe, you'll claim you astonish me and later in the abyss you'll throw my misery.

Terrified you'll interpret The tempation you tamed Your hunger is transylvanian But I have thunder in my veins I'm a daughter of Thor You may try to temper me But you'll just set me free Your terror is my treat

Hardly a heathen My heart is a heretic And Helena taught me how To heal all the broken men I have the whole of my soul to carry on my sleeves Have you even met me? No holes on my shield.

-- L. Siedlecka Krajnc | Looking for answers | Poetry excerpt #1