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Part VI - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

I thought I could fit this all in 5 parts, but like the original Star Trek movies, I guess there had to be 6 of them. You can find the others linked in my Destiel Meta Master Post if you found this one first!

Look, I'm hella late to the party. But I'm here because of you, Tumblr. You GIF'd and posted and made me want to see what the whole hubbub was about. So, thanks.

Season 15 for this one. Wrapping the whole thing up.

WARNING: All of this is one lady's opinions about a show that went off the air 5 years ago. Take with a grain of salt. Laugh it off if you need to. My opinion isn't more valid than anyone else's.

SPOILERS: Yeah, it's all here. So, if you're spoiler-averse... run.

Everyone good? Yup. Let's do it one last time. Let's dive in.

S15E1 -

“Jack’s gone, so we listen to what the Demon has to say. If we don’t like what he says, then we stab him.”

Dean, you had me going with the first part, but what a way to finish, buddy. And then Sam steps in to say that Dean is right to drive the point home.

“You okay?” “Yes, but-” “Good.”

This is so married. Like, we’re still in a fight, but I’m going to check on you because you’re mine and that’s what I do when I’m worried about you.

“Wow. Awkward. You wanna talk about it or?”

Either Demon Boy is already aware of the Destiel, or he clocked that shit fast. Things are awkward because they still love each other, even when they are pissed.

Dean would love to cut Cas out of his life so he doesn’t have to feel the pain. He’s so angry, it would be convenient to walk away, to stab him in the neck, to do any of the things he would do if it was anybody else.

But, it’s Cas. He may try to pull away, but they’ll find their way back. Every time.

“So, you and me versus every soul in hell. I like those odds.”

See? He’s cut Cas out of the equation. He’s mentally blocking him and making it just about him and Sam, again. And, yes, it’s always him and Sam at the end of things. I know that.

But there have been times where Team Free Will existed, and it was always with Cas. Right now, Dean can’t. He just can’t.

He has to block Cas out to get through because he’s hurting and angry and there’s no room for anything else if he’s going to make it through this next hurdle.

S15E2 -

“Hey.” “Yeah, hey.” “Dean, I recognize that I… dropped the puck.” “Ball. It’s, uh, dropped the ball.” “Ball, right. I didn’t tell you about Jack, and then after what happened with your mother…” {Dean turns to face him} “Don’t.”

When Cas walks in, Dean glances enough to see that it’s Cas and acknowledge him. But he’s still not eager to talk. He keeps his back to Cas until the end, there, because he’s still pissed.

“You’re angry.” “Yes, I am angry. At everything. All of it.” “All of it?” “This mess. All the messes. It’s turns out that we’re just hamsters running in a wheel our whole lives. What do we have to show for it, huh?”

And here, Dean forgets to be specifically mad at Cas. He’s falling into their familiar rhythm of him confiding in Cas, telling Cas what’s really on his mind. They’ve been one another’s sounding board for ages, now.

“Tell me you don’t feel conned. God’s been lying to you, Cas, forever. You bought into the biggest scam in history.” “You don’t think I’m angry? After what Chuck did? After what he took from me? He killed Jack. But that doesn’t mean it was all a lie." “Really?” “Chuck is all-knowing. He knew the truth he, he just kept it to himself.” "Well, now that his cover’s blown, everything that we’ve done is for what? Nothing?"

This hurts. Because the one thing Dean could always tell himself was that what he and Sam did meant something. That all the people they saved mattered and that they had to keep doing what they did.

Now, he doesn’t know if it mattered. If all the pain and sacrifice meant anything because he feels like a puppet on an invisible string, pulled this way and that, seemingly independent but controlled all the same.

“Even if we didn’t know that all of the challenges that we face were born of Chuck’s machinations, how would we describe it all? We’d call it ’life’ because that is precisely what life is. It’s an obstacle course and maybe Chuck designed the obstacles, but we ran our own race. We made our own moves. And mostly, we did well with that.”

Cas doesn’t see it the same way as Dean. He doesn’t believe in the invisible strings, but instead sees it much as a mouse working through the problems set out by a scientist, curious to see which way the little animals will scurry.

Will they reach the goal? Will they get distracted? Will they abandon the race in favor of a morsel of cheese?

And Cas tries to get Dean to see it, but as soon as Cas says they did well, all he can think about is what they did wrong. What Cas did wrong. The most recent failing.

Mom.

“Did we? I’ll tell you what we do know, Nothing about our lives is real. {Dean steps closer to Cas} Everything that we’ve lost, everything that we are is because of Chuck. So maybe you can stick your head back in the sand, maybe you can pretend that we actually had a choice. I can’t.”

The fact that Dean steps closer to Cas there fascinates me. Framing-wise, yes, it’s gorgeous any time these two are close. But character wise, I wonder what motivated that movement.

Maybe it’s because he’s trying to drive the point home. I mean, who talks more about “having a choice” than Dean and Sam Winchester?

Castiel was a company man for a long time, insisting he didn’t have a choice. But everyone does. Every time.

Except, now Dean’s questioning everything. He walks away, feeling his words fall on deaf ears. But as Cas calls out to him Dean stops. He stops.

He could’ve kept walking. But he didn’t. Because pissed as he is at Cas and at everything else, he still stops.

“Dean. You asked what about all this is real.”

Castiel turns to face Dean, and the human turns back to the Angel.

“We are.”

It’s not enough to convince Dean, but it’s heartfelt. It’s meaningful. And it’s true.

And I am once again flabbergasted by how much was achieved in 2:18 of screen time.

Cas and Dean start the scene at odds—Cas still seeking to mend fences and Dean walling himself off all the more. Then, they come together in the middle, united by their mutual anger over all the bullshit with Chuck. But by the end, they’re torn apart, again, because they still haven’t talked it out.

Cas wants nothing more than to discuss it. Dean wants nothing more to never discuss it. They’re at odds.

And they can only go on so long like this.

S15E03 -

“How’s Sam?” “Not great.”

Cas approches Dean. Dean walks over to talk, but when he settles, there’s a tablet between them—a barrier, a physical representation of how far apart they are right now.

“Sorry about Rowena.” “You’re sorry. Why didn’t you just stick to the damn plan?”

Dean perches on the table, settling into the conversation. He's been pissed at the Angel a while, now, and this doesn't help matter.

“Belfagor was lying.” “Belfagor’s a demon.” “He was using us. He wanted to eat every last soul to take over Hell, earth, and everything-” “And we would have figured it out. After. With Rowena.” “The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this. Something always goes wrong.” “Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?”

This is the moment Dean goes too far. And he knows it. As soon as the words leave his mouth, he knows he didn’t say them because it was true—he said them because they would wound.

Because, he’s a killer, right? He shoots things. He stabs things. He injures things.

And when he’s hurting, he lashes out. But this time, he went too damn far. He can see by the pain in Castiel’s eyes that he hit him right where it hurts, right in his greatest fears.

The punch landed, Dean, but was it worth it?

I think I mentioned before, I have this super power. This curse. I know exactly what to say to hurt someone. I know exactly how to hit them where it hurts. And it’s the worst feeling when you see their face and realize they believe you meant it.

But Castiel doesn’t see Dean shake his head. He doesn’t see the moment of realization. The Angel’s stuck on the words and what they mean—he’s the problem. He’s the issue. Dean will never see it another way. Not this time.

“You used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you can barely look at me. {Dean scoffs at that. Looks up to meet his eye. But he can’t hold it} My powers are failing and I’ve tried to talk to you over and over, and you just don’t want to hear it. You don’t care. I’m dead to you.”

That’s what Dean said, right? “You’re dead to me”. And Cas believes it.

“You still blame me for Mary.”

Dean nods at this. Cas has seen all he needs to see.

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything left to say.” {Cas turns to walk away… Dean was finally meeting his eyes} “Where are you going?”

He hadn’t even left the room, but Dean somehow knows Cas is on his way out. And he really doesn’t want him to go, even if he can’t say it. When Cas answers, he doesn’t turn around.

“Jack’s dead. Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other.”

Castiel is now cutting himself out of the narrative, doing the work for Dean. Even as he turns back enough to see Dean’s face, he doesn’t fully face him. He can’t.

“I think it’s time for me to move on.”

Cas holds Dean’s gaze for a moment, maybe hoping Dean will say something. When he says nothing, Cas leaves. And Dean lets him go. He says nothing. He does nothing.

Dean’s used to people leaving, to people abandoning him. But I think even he knows this is different.

S15E05 -

It aches that Sam is trying to reach his friend, but in this divorce, Castiel is putting up a hard barrier between himself and the Winchesters. He’s convinced Dean will never forgive him, that he’s too damaged to be of any help, especially with his powers failing.

But Sam doesn’t seem to know much of anything. And Dean’s not one to volunteer information. So, Sam tries and tries to reach Cas… without success.

“That Cas?” “Yeah. Straight to voicemail. Again.”

Dean’s the one to know exactly who Sam is calling.

“Yeah, well, we gave him the heads-up on Chuck and Lilith. What else were we supposed to do?”

Maybe consider open communication with the best friend you’ve ever had, the one person who has been constant more than anyone else and only left when you tore into him in a way that would have fatally wounded any mortal.

And, yes, I understand Dean’s anger and where it comes from. He’s not wrong to feel. But how he has dealt with it led us to this point—where the one person he could always count on isn’t even answering the damn phone.

S15E06 -

“I had a friend who always praised fishing for its meditative qualities. Wish I found it more relaxing.”

The past tense on this is killing me, but it’s also sad. Castiel wanted to try doing what brought Dean peace, the first thing he saw in his dreams. But Castiel and Dean are just very different people.

So, he’s doing it because he misses Dean. And he can’t be close to Dean right now, so he’s doing it in his own way.

Yeah, these bitches are in love.

“Cas. Sam’s been trying to call you.” “I know.” “Did you check his messages?” “Nope.” “Right. Smart. Why would you? Look, I don’t know if you care or not, but, uh, God, Chuck, is back on the board. So watch yourself. And check your damn messages.”

I love that the case forced them to talk to one another. And Dean could’ve royally fucked Cas over on this one, but he didn’t.

The love is still there. It’s just cloaked in veils of mourning layered one upon the other until the heart is too obscured to be seen.

And I have to say that I love that we get to see capable Cas in this final season. He’s learned how to work a case solo, how to hop through the hurdles of humanity. And I know I should be pumping the air with glee that it drove him back to the Winchesters, but I also consider the personal victory.

Yes, he had to use his powers in there a bit, but most of what he did, he did the human way. He can help. He can do the right thing. He’s not useless.

Without Dean to reassure him, he needed that affirmation to come from somewhere else, and I’m glad that—for once—the Angel found it in himself.

S15E07 -

“Hey.” “Dean.”

Cas is struck seeing Dean. Yes, he decided to come back, but he wasn’t ready for Dean to walk in at that particular moment. Like a pair of exes, they’re both a little unsure how to act around the other.

The table’s still between them, still separating them. And the only thing keeping Dean moving is his concern for Sam.

“I got your message. Sam, is he, uh -” “He’s fine.”

Cas can’t look him in the eye. I think he’s afraid of what he’ll see there when he does. More anger?

“Good. That’s good.” “Yeah.” “Good.”

Seriously. Counseling. It’ll do y’all wonders.

S15E09 -

“Cas, if you wanna stay here, why don’t you stay here.”

Cas glares at Dean on this. The human’s still taking nips at him like an angry puppy. But we know he decides to go with them, and when Dean has to cut his hand for the spell, Cas offers to heal it.

It strikes me how Dean holds his hand during this shot, and I wonder where the choice came from, because it feels so deliberate.

As Cas waves his hand over Dean’s, Dean’s hand is in motion, turning upward, opening up like a blossoming flower.

You could feel Cas’ trepidation at the offer—wondering if Dean would even accept it. And afterwards, it’s obvious the effort it took. But Cas has committed to being here, no matter what. So, he’ll do whatever it takes.

Even if these two still aren’t looking one another in the eye.

They’re both dealing with their shame—Dean’s shame at being wrong. Cas’ shame at leaving when it got too tough.

And once they land down below, it’s striking and feels just wrong that Sam is between Dean and Cas the entire time. The chasm between them is so wide, Sam has to be the buffer.

Sorry, Dean. I know you don’t like Sam in the middle of you and Cas, but right now, y’all kinda put him there yourself.

And it’s so weird that Rowena picks up on it immediately and sends Sam out of the room so she can address Dean and Cas in private.

Also, can we talk about the awesomeness of Rowena, Queen of Hell, making sure not to out Cas and Dean to Sam? I like, we know that Sam is well aware of what’s going on here, but Rowena’s care in the matter is damn impressive.

If she can do it, nobody has an excuse. Be respectful of others. Don’t out people. Love people as they are. It’s really not that hard.

“What am I picking up from you two? A wee tiff? Tell your Auntie Rowena.” “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” “It’s fine.” “Boys. Fix it. … And you can’t make it right. So fix it!”

This is really what they needed to hear—especially Dean. Cas has tried to fix it. He has! But Dean just hasn’t been able to move on from his anger.

But, remember the last time Cas died? Dean said they’d sort it out, but they never had time. Season 13 started with his second Widower Arc and he was so fucked up he was willing to die. At the hands of Billie, no less.

Her words haven’t sunk in, yet, but they will.

So, Rowena, thanks for the Couple’s Therapy. They needed it!!

“Eileen, you know, she gets it. She gets us. She gets the life. She’s hot.”

I love that Dean sees the spark between Sam and Eileen, and understands his brother enough that he knows Sam would be looking for something real. The boys are brothers, but they are wildly different.

Dean gets off the phone with Donatello and spies Cas behind him. He could have kept ignoring him, but he decides to talk to him instead. It’s not the same as before, but he’s at least talking to Cas.

“Alright, the good news is we know where he is. Bad news is we can’t get to him in time. Not before he moves, again.” “Then we bring him to us.”

They aren’t looking at each other, but they’re trying to work together. They’re trying to do what needs to be done together. But there’s so much hurt there. So much anger. So much pain.

For once, Castiel isn’t forcing things. He’s tried and tried and not gotten through. And Dean’s not looking to be the one to start the conversation.

Later, after Cas talks to Michael, Dean walks into the kitchen and sees Cas at the table. Cas acknowledges him, but still can’t look at him.

And the framing of this shot is insane. Dean is standing, but he’s positioned in a way that makes it look like he and Cas could be having a conversation across the table if he was only ten feet to his left.

Like, this is beautiful. They’re on different planes, so neither is actually looking at the other. But the framing makes it look as though they could be.

It’s amazing how this implies they want to be face-to-face, but aren’t. Cinematographers are magicians.

“Now, if you’ll please.”

I like the small glance between Dean and Cas, here. There’s a bit of that trust that they’ve built over the years still playing through.

“Since when do we get what we deserve?”

This is one of the most fascinating lines and deliveries to me. Because Adam has reason to be pissed at the Winchesters. And he’s realized that they’ve all been through some shit.

But knowing what we know about the deal with the Empty, this feels particularly painful. But it’s information we have that Michael wouldn’t. It’s information Adam wouldn’t. So, the look to Cas has always been a confusing one to me.

Is he just trying to include Cas in on the Winchester Family of Fuckery? Or does he see something / know something Dean doesn’t? I don’t know. It gives us a lot to dissect and talk about, sure, but it’s one of those where I’d really love to ask the actors because I’m just not certain enough to draw a reasonable conclusion.

S15E09 -

“Whatever, we need to go.” “To Purgatory.” “Chuck has Sam. I’m not leaving him.” … “Dean, will you stop? {Dean turns to face him} Just stop being so stupid.”

I love when Cas calls him out on his pig-headedness. It doesn’t happen enough. But, Castiel is in the right on this one—they can’t attack with nothing. They need to get moving.

“Okay, let’s split up.” “What?” “You go that way. I’ll go this way. We’ll meet back at the rift, alright? We’ll cover more ground. We’ll better our odds." “Yeah, we’ll also improve our odds of getting lost or killed. Come on.”

This cracks me up beyond cracking me up. Because Castiel is done with Dean at this point. They’ve been fighting for ages. Castiel has tried apologizing and tried to talk to him, and since he won’t listen to him about that, he’s going to be certain Dean listens on this.

And, how much do I love that they never had to discuss the tail. They both just knew they had a tail and wordlessly worked together to handle it.

Because they are at their best when they’re working in the rhythm they’ve crafted through years of trust and failures and finding their way back to one another again and again and again.

“I know you’re sorry, Cas. About Bel. About Mom.”

Dean looks down and away when he says that one. It’s the first time he’s actually brought her up with Cas since the whole thing went down without screaming at him.

“I was talking about Jack. I already apologized to you. You just refused to hear it.” “Sorry I brought it up. Maybe if you didn’t just up and leave us.” “You didn’t give me a choice. You couldn’t forgive me and you couldn’t move on. You were too angry. I left, but you didn’t stop me.”

What the fuck is this married-ass conversation? I mean, Dean’s abandonment issues are coming out hard despite the bad blood between them. And Castiel’s done with Dean’s shit at this point.

I’m not saying that Dean doesn’t have a point. Cas should have told him. But they’ve forgiven each other over and over and over before.

This time, Dean’s holding on. And while that crushes Castiel, he’s still here. He came back.

Castiel is here to do the job, even though that means being near the man he loves, knowing that man is too angry to even look him in the eye. Everything they’ve been up to Mary’s death is in peril.

But Castiel came back, anyway. And he’s pushing through, no matter how much it hurts.

Yeah, that “permission to be happy” thing seems way far away about now.

And Chuck takes Sam through a version of reality where Cas is the one to go in the Ma’lak box. Where that undoes Dean to a point far worse than what Castiel is seeing now.

Dean may be pissed at Cas, now, but he still can’t lose him. He just can’t. He’s lost too much already.

Meanwhile, in Purgatory, Dean is straight up yelling for Cas. I meaning a land of monsters, you don’t really want to announce yourself. It’s basically a dinner bell. But, he’s yelling out, hoping Cas will answer.

Then, he looks at the phone and sees the minutes counting down. He mutters a series of “no’s”, looking around in a panic.

A thought strikes him, and for the first time in ages, he prays to Cas.

“Cas. {Closes eyes} Cas. I hope you can hear me. {opens eyes} that wherever you are, it’s not too late.”

Too late for what? Too late for him to get away? Too late for you to say what needs to be said? A bit nebulous there, Dean Winchester.

“I should’ve stopped you. You’re my best friend, but I just let you go. ‘Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. “

This is when the emotions hit him. He glances around to be sure he’s nos putting himself in a vulnerable position with someone nearby before dropping to one knee. He’s leaning against the tree for cover, but he’s also there for support.

Because, he might be too late.

Too late to say he’s sorry. Too late to say he was wrong. Too late to admit what he knows in his heart but can’t get out of his mouth until it’s too damn late.

Because every time before when he lost Cas, it was too damn late. He thought they’d have time to reconcile, but like Rowena said, it couldn’t be fixed, because Cas was gone.

No, he can’t risk that, again. He has to try.

And for a man who thinks of prayer akin to begging, his begging is personal and pleading—please forgive me, Cas. Please be alive, Cas. Please come back to me, Cas.

“I don’t know why I get so angry. {the tears start to fall} I just know that it's just always been there, and when things go bad, it just, it comes out. And I can’t, I can’t stop it. No matter how, how bad I want to, I just can’t stop it. And, and I, I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I’m sorry it took me so long to… I’m sorry it took me til now to say it. Cas, I’m so sorry. Man, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me.”

Ackles is crushing this. I mean, we’ve seen the man cry quite a bit in this role, and he’s always believable. You feel it with him—the heartache. The pain.

This one is special to me, not just because of the Destiel of it all, but because of how controlled he has to be. Dean is aware that he’s in a vulnerable situation. He knows that a monster could be on him at any second.

So, a part of him is aware (almost) every second. But you can spy the brief moments when he collapses into the pain, nearly loses his thoughts to the fear that he’s going to lose his Angel.

They were here before, Castiel and Dean. And then the Angel stayed behind despite everything Dean went through to find him. This time, though, it’s almost worse.

Because he doesn’t know if Cas understands what the Angel means to him. Yes, we all know there’s more to it than Dean can verbalize, but even what he’s able to wrap his head around is significant.

This is his best friend and he let him walk out of his life. And Cas came back. He didn’t have to ask or beg him. Unlike so many people, Castiel came back to them even without forgiveness. Even without Dean telling him they’d get through it.

Cas came back.

And look where it got him—hunted in Purgatory trying to help the Winchesters save the world.

So, Dean cries without knowing how this story will end, if his words have been heard. He cries for the might have beens and the probably gone.

But once the words finish, he gives himself one more second to feel what he’s feeling before bottling it back up and getting back on the move. He has to keep moving. He has to keep it contained. He can’t let himself feel the agony.

“Dean.” “Cas?” “You made it.” “I made it?”

It’s the swoop shot! We swoop from Dean to Cas as he sees him slumped against the tree.

Dean is the one to reach for him, to pull him close, and Castiel clamps down with his one good arm, the other holding the Leviathan blossom under his jacket.

“You okay? , I’m fine. … It got a little smushed.”

As Dean sees what Castiel accomplished despite it all knowing that Castiel still fought for him despite how he was acting, despite the lack of forgiveness, despite Dean not stopping him from leaving.

Damn, that’s love.

There’s so much pride in there, too. He’s proud of the Angel.

“Once I had the blossom, I fought, caught them off-guard. They fought back. I managed to get away.” “You did it. You did it, Cas.”

He repeats it to make sure Cas hears the affirmation, to make sure Dean understands how thrilled he is that Cas completed the mission. Because the words, “Something always goes wrong. / Why does it alway seem to be you?” are ringing in his memory.

He wants Cas to know that he saw him get it right. That he isn’t always wrong. In this case, Dean admits that maybe the “wrong” was him. He was wrong with how he handled that whole thing, and he’s hoping Cas gets his meaning.

“Cas, I need to say something.” “You don’t have to say it. I heard your prayer.”

These looks baffle me, as they do many others. Because Dean doesn’t look relieved. He doesn’t look comforted. He looks like he wanted to say these things directly to Cas, but Castiel let him off the hook.

And I’m not sure Dean wanted to be let off this time. He wanted to speak his penance.

But Castiel starts moving, again, and with the little time they have, Dean does, too.

From Castiel’s point of view, he doesn’t look comforted by the prayer, either. He looks pained. Perhaps it’s from the beating he took getting the blossom,

It’s fascinating and I’m really having trouble reading them. Another time I wish I could ask the actors, “Hey, what was that!?”

At the end, Castiel and Dean are sitting next to each other in the same posture. Finally finally Destiel are back at the same table. There are no more tables between them. They’re sitting together on the same plane.

And when Sam walks into the room, Dean and Cas straighten at the same time, moving as one.

Oh, yeah, we’re so back, bitches!

But, seriously, the Divorce Arc is so fascinating when put against the Widower Arc of Season 13. In both cases, there are things separating the pair, and both times it’s death—just different deaths.

Dean was in shambles over losing Cas in Season 13. And, yes, Mary, too. Not discounting that! But when the man bounces back like a Weeble (who wobbles, but won’t fall down) as soon as the Angel returns, I think we can draw some conclusions, eh?

Meanwhile, this time Cas’ indirect part in Mary’s death is what has driven them apart this time. And we can see that Dean’s been inching back towards Cas every episode. Even when he’s pissed, he still trusts Castiel to have his back in Purgatory and anywhere else.

But faced with losing Cas again!? That’s when the final wall breaks down. And, yes, what Castiel said helped. Because it framed that Cas understood the problem just as well as he did—he couldn’t get past his anger. He was letting his anger celebrate him from love.

Anger and Fear can block Love. Dean’s been denying himself Castiel’s love. Yes, he still gets it in bursts and fleeting moments when he forgets to be angry, much like when he was pissed at Cas for killing Billie.

But this was his Mom and that makes it a thousand times harder to work through.

Faced with losing him, he finally pushed through. Because love—real love—endures. And that’s what Cas and Dean have.

It might not have a name to satisfy the anti’s, but it’s damn real.

And, can I just point out that Eileen was my favorite of Sam’s love interests ever!? I was heartbroken we didn’t see her again after this episode. She was amazing, and the actress did a beautiful job.

I heard Padalecki would message her to teach him signs that he thought Sam might learn for Eileen, and that made my heart leap. I only know a little ASL, but what I do know helps me chat with a friend who is Hard of Hearing. My children take ASL at school.

If we all do our part to learn, we can try to make this world a little more accessible for those who have no choice but to adapt to a world that wasn’t crafted with them in mind.

So, I will say I was impressed and heartened to hear that Padalecki was the one who wanted to learn those signs and set out to do it. It leant so much to Sam, but it also made my heart leap.

S15E10 -

And this is not Destiel at all, but I am damn jealous that Jensen Ackles reportedly learned this whole thing in no time. I took lots of dance classes as a kid. I did musical theater. My brain can’t do that.

I mean, I can learn steps and perform them, but it takes me practicing all the time in my free time to get it. He’s just… effortless. Honey, you missed your calling as the natural heir to Fred Astaire’s career.

I mean, even just the way his body locks in as he turns to the lamp. The way he finishes it off atop the table?

I mean, I was always more of a Gene Kelly girl, m’self, but this was fucking beautiful. Well done, sir! My 7-year-old daughter loves watching this clip on repeat.

S15E11 -

Cas walks in to a note from Sam because Dean’s not gonna leave him a loving note. It’s gonna be Sam… adding that damn extra “s” to his name.

I mean, I head cannon that the whole reason Dean put him in his phone as “Cas” with the extra “s” was so he could chuckle at seeing “ass” every time Castiel called.

I mean, the dude is so immature he still pranks his brother when he laves the Bunker for any length of time. Dean had zero childhood, so he’s so incredibly stunted.

While the boys are out trying their luck, Castiel follows a case… a case that leads him to someone he thought dead—his son.

And I love the actress playing Fortuna. I’ve seen her elsewhere, and she’s just so damn good every time. One of those character actresses you get excited to see every time because you know whatever she’s doing, it’s gonna be good.

The boys get home, and it takes one look for Dean to know something’s up with Cas. He just doesn’t know which was it’s gonna go.

He presents Jack much the way Dean presented Castiel to Jack back in early Season 13. Jack isn’t sure how he’ll be received, but Sam hugs him, while Dean cups his face, looking upon him with fatherly affection, despite everything.

Dean looks to Cas, who looks back. Their boy is home.

“Jack, you ate their hearts?” “And you let him?” {Cas nods} {Dean takes it in}

It’s fascinating how Dean doesn’t question it once Cas is okay with it.

S15E12 -

“I created… the world.”

I’m so so sorry, but this was the shot they chose? I mean, this is the Winchester Brothers show, and I know it, and will rightfully call it out. But this was purposeful.

Because for some folks, Destiel is their whole world.

And there will never be a drip of judgment from me about that. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life. Sometimes, television shows were the only things I had to get me from one day to the next—wrapping myself up in fantasy enough to survive my reality.

So, no judgment at all. But, wow someone made a choice with that shot and timing!

Later, Dean and Cas share an… intimate moment.

Alright, we gotta talk about how domestic Dean and Castiel are in this scene with their drinks and their casual posture and how relaxed they are with one another. I can’t remember them having a scene like this ever before.

So, of course it would be only a few episodes from the end.

But, listen, I’m not complaining! Getting to see Dean and Cas smiling together, drinking together, and for once not being burdened with the world and all the beings gunning for them is… nice.

All the drama has melted. No, things between them aren’t peaches and cream, but I don’t think we have ever seen them in a scene this… intimate.

Dean has his phone face-down next to him, the Universal Sign of wanting it close, but not wanting to have it face-up while spending time with someone you care about.

Y’all, I see why the official Supernatural YouTube account referred to this scene as a date. It totally is.

And it’s one of the rare glimpses of what a date could look like for them. We know they watch movies together, but we never see it. And to get to see this feels like a whisper of what might have been.

But it also feels like a promise of what may be once they both get to Heaven.

Oops! I’m skipping ahead, again.

“Well, here’s to being right.”

Okay, I’m sorry, but what is this shot?! I’m getting “clinking champagne at New Years minutes after we kissed” vibes from this shot. And look how our cuties are positioned! The table between them, and the seats angled slightly inward.

Reminds me of when they sat on benches next to one another—on opposite sides—forming Angel wings. Kinda doing it, again, here. But Cas is definitely turned in a little more towards Dean than Dean is towards Cas.

I think that’s indicative of where we are. Castiel knows he’s in love with Dean Winchester. Dean’s not quite there, yet.

He knows Cas is important to him. His best friend. Someone he can’t do without. But the specifics of what that means is a bit… muddles for him, still.

Doesn’t help that they rarely have time for moments like this because they’re always trying to save the world.

“And here’s to payback. Hmm. Come on. What, revenge doesn’t sound good to you?” “What sounds good to me is Jack fulfilling his destiny.” “Okay, yeah, but, icing on the cake. {Cas chuckles} I mean, Chuck wanted Cain and Abel and now we’re going all Biblical on him. Killed by his own grandson {Dean chuckles}. That sounds right to me.”

It’s all we get. Just a glimpse. But it’s such a lovely glimpse of another side of their relationship we rarely get to see.

I’ve talked a lot about how I adore the moments the Winchesters get to be siblings. I mean, I can tell you that my brother and I had very few of those growing up. He even called me Mom 2.0.

Sibling moments are precious, right? But for Dean and Cas, moments where they can just enjoy each other’s company are far too rare.

I’m thankful we got this one before the end.

“She loved her, Kaia. She’d do anything for a chance to save her… If we fail, She’d never recover., It’d kill her.”

I think part of why Castiel has such a good read on the situation is because it mirrors him and Dean. Without the other, they’re lost. It’s just the way it goes.

And, yes, I have thoughts on why that isn’t completely the case in 15x20, but I’ll get to that in a little bit. We’re almost there, loves.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m so so sorry. I’m betting the two of you I had for half of this has dwindled down to one. Thanks for sticking it out.

I wrote this for fun and to keep myself writing while my brain’s struggling to form original thought under the weight of too much else in my world. I hope it entertains you, some.

S15E13 -

"Before it was-” “Plundered by pirates.” “No.” “It was dug up by tomb raiders.”

Sometimes Dean’s the one rolling his eyes at Cas. Sometime’s Cas the one who looks like he wants to stab Dean. It’s all about finding the balance in relationships.

“Will he ever forgive me?, You know, Dean, he feels things more acutely than any human I’ve ever known.”

And you feel things more acutely than any Angel he’s ever known. No wonder you two found your way to one another.

“So, it’s possible he could work through this. One day, he may explode and let it all out, and breathe deeply and move on.” “How long will that take?" “I don’t know.”

I like that Castiel is honest with Jack. He knows his boyfriend better than anyone else, and it took a long ass time for Dean to verbalize his forgiveness of Cas and Cas wasn’t the one who actually did the deed.

“Cas, the Empty doesn’t exactly like you. Remember?” “Yeah, I do. But our deal? I’m far from happy, so I should be fine.”

I love his optimism. Also, he doesn’t yet know what it is that will let him be happy. Because he soaks in every second of love he receives from Dean, thinking those little bits are all Dean can give. All he’ll want to give.

“Guys. You’re back.” “Jack. What the hell?”

Dean immediately steps toward Cas in horror. He’s talking to Jack, but his eyes are locked on Cas.

“Why do they call this place the Empty? This place is full. It’s full of sorrow and despair playing over and over again, of angels and demons dreaming about their regrets. Forever.” “Yeah, I know.”

This just gutted me the first time around. Because, I don’t know if they were retconning, or if this was what they always intended. But turning the Empty into Superhell is genius and heartbreaking.

Because Castiel hasn’t told the others just how bad it is. So, the deal he made is even worse. Because when he experiences that moment of happiness where he gives himself permission to openly love Dean Winchester… Castiel won’t remember it.

As long as he’s in the Empty, he will never know he told Dean. He will never know that Dean didn’t reject him, but accepted his love, even if he couldn’t reciprocate in the moment. All of that. Gone.

Castiel knows this in S15E18 when he summons the Empty. He realizes he will never again know that feeling.

And so, as it tears him away from the man he loves, he’s content, savoring every second knowing that the moment he passes through to the other side, he won’t remember a damn thing. Nothing of light. Nothing of happiness.

He’ll only remember the things he did wrong. The failures that plague his self esteem. The regrets that eat at his heart. The shame that reminds him that romantic love is off limits for Angels—one of the ultimate sins.

“You got what you wanted. Now, what, you think you’re gonna just flit on home?” “Yes, because we have a deal.”

He believes the Empty will honor it. But the Empty's got an axe to grind and decides a little light torture is on the agenda.

“That’s way too many ’hopefullys’.” “Bring him back, now.”

As Jack feeds Cas his Grace back, we see Dean and Sam worrying.

“Come on, wake up, pal. … Come on, Cas. Come on. … Cas!”

The longer it takes for Castiel to return to him, the more frantic Dean gets. Worry sets in that this is going to be permanent, that he’s going to lose the Angel.

As Cas starts breathing again, the focus is on Dean, here. I mean, Sam is only in half the shot and out of focus. We see relief followed quickly by annoyance flit over his face. It’s so fast, the micro expressions, but Ackles rocks it.

“You made it back.” {Cas looks to Dean} “Yeah, and so did you. You’re an idiot, by the way.” “What if this hadn’t worked?” “But it did.” … “So, you saw Ruby.” “And I got the location. {struggles to stand} Am I still an idiot?” “Well, yeah.”

I love the way Cas narrows his eyes at Dean, almost as a challenge. And then the bloody head tilt that follows. You can feel how annoyed Cas is with Dean.

Golly, these two are so married.

But Dean doesn’t mind being the one in danger, right? He probably would’ve tried to stop Cas from doing the thing in the first place. And, yeah, they do some stupid-ass things without consulting each other, and this wasn’t the best.

At least it worked out this time, right!?

Can we talk about how hard I laughed watching Dean and Castiel argue over their son while poor Sam had to hold the door alone?! Um, guys!?

Like, seriously, two of you don’t need to help Jack with this. Surely one of you could go help Sam hold the damn door!

“No! Spit it out!”

Okay, Ackles, I don’t know if you were a dad by this point (I’m not creepy enough to look that kind of thing up… ick), but that delivery was so Dad. I mean, yes, the line lends itself to it. But Ackles’ voice slides up in a very paternal way.

I cackled.

And leaving Dean and Cas at the front of the church? What, are they getting married now? I mean, screw whatever, let them make it official, damnit!

Yeah, I know. I know. Not happening. But, someone’s got that fic on AO3, you know it!

“So, Jack’s back.” “Yeah, he is, but something’s different. … His soul is back.”

I love how Dean looks to Cas on this one, especially since Castiel was honest about something being different this time. And we get the shot of Dean looking to Cas, and the camera following.

I’ve missed our swoop shots.

S15E15 -

“Why don’t you and Cas go run it down just to be sure.” “Really?” “What?” “Yeah, you said you didn’t wanna sit around here after the whole Mrs. Butters thing-.” “Mrs. What’s?” “Just get out there, you know, stay busy.”

Dean’s making eyes at Castiel. No, not that way. Get your head out of the gutter. But, he’s trying to get Cas to see his point.

“With a murder investigation?” “Yeah.” “Sam?” {Cas looks for an out} “Dean’s not wrong.”

Damnit, Sam! Castiel really doesn’t wanna do this. But, off they go!

“It says I need a parent or guardian’s permission to join.” “You have my permission.”

Okay, this was absolutely adorable. And, Castiel knows exactly what he is to his boy. And, yes, I’m still pissed about the birthday cake. I thought of it as soon as this exchange happened.

“We’re all trapped. Sam. And Cas. And Jack. And even you.”

Again, that order of family for Dean. Sammy’s always got top spot. But right behind him is Castiel.

“I have more dads than most… and I always feel like I’m letting all of them down. … You’re just a scared little boy trying to make your daddies happy.”

Yes, Jack has three Dads and very different relationships with all of them. But, when Castiel brings a stray home, there’s a high chance Dean and Sam are going to connect with it and wordlessly help raise them.

I mean, seriously, it’s happened twice.

And, yes, I know there was some resistance from Dean at the beginning of both the Claire and Jack arcs, but once he committed, he committed.

“Don’t tell Sam and Dean.” “Oh, yeah, why not?” … “This is the only way they’ll ever forgive me.”

Jack tells Castiel the truth—that he has to die. And Cas’ first instinct is to bring the others in on it, because he’s done keeping secrets from the boys.

But, I think it’s fascinating that Jack is asking Cas to keep the secret much as Castiel asked Jack to keep the secret of the Deal with the Empty.

He really expects that Castiel will keep it quiet, but Cas has never been good at letting Cosmic things lie.

“I watched you die once, and I will not watch you do it, again.” “It’s not your choice.”

There it is. That’s the show. One of them chooses to die, and the others say, “Fuck that”. Congratulations, Jack, you’re officially part of the family.

“Cas? Hey, where’re you going? Where’s Jack?” “He’s in his room. We got back. We didn’t want to wake you up.” “Eh, I wasn’t asleep. How’d the case go?” “Oh, it went. Solved it. Saved some people. And Amara?” “Yeah. Yeah, we got her. I think she’s onboard.” “Good.”

It’s an easy-going conversation between the two. Like partners coming home after long days at work who want to catch each other up on what the other missed. There’s such a domesticity to this scene.

Truly, Cas and Dean are headed toward their nesting era. Too bad they never fully arrive.

ahem

No, I didn’t intend that double entendre. It wrote itself. And then, welp, I just had to let it be.

“Wait, what’s happening? Where are you going?” “I’m going to look for another way. I have to.” “What the hell are you talking about?”

Dean’s gotten so much better at reading Cas! Ugh, it hurts my heart knowing how close to the end we are. Just a few more episodes to enjoy them actually being this comfortable with one another.

It’s so much softer than it’s ever been between them. Oh, I selfishly long for more.

“Dean, in case something goes wrong and I don’t make it back, there’s something you and Sam, you need to know.”

Dean actually looks Cas up and down as Cas steps closer. He doesn’t know what’s coming, but he knows there’s a reason Castiel is stepping so close, and it ain’t to plant a kiss on his sweetheart’s lips.

S15E15 -

“And, And Cas just bailed, I guess. He didn’t say anything to you about why he left?” “Not really.” “And you guys didn’t get into a fight or something?”

This cracks me up. Again, the domesticity of the latter half of Season 15 is wild. Even the way Dean scoffs at the accusation. Like, Sam knows by now how badly you two bicker. Like a couple.

You’re so close to figuring that out yourself. But you never get the chance.

TEXT: Did you tell Sam, yet?

The first time I saw this, I said, “oooh!” aloud like a member of the studio audience. Dean’s keeping things from Sammy, again. Ruh-roh!

“Who’re you calling?” “I’m just trying Cas again.” “Hang it up.” “What?” “Hang up the phone.” “What’s going on?”

Dean decides to finally come clean. To tell his little brother the truth.

“So Billie just told you this while you were grabbing burgers?” “No. Cas did before we left. Before we even got the call about Travis.” “So, you’ve been sitting on this. What the hell, Dean? I thought we were past stuff like this…”

And, look, Dean keeping shit from Sammy this late in the game is as stupid as Cas keeping shit from Dean. These three need therapy and healthy coping mechanisms, stat!

But it’s also fascinating that Castiel entrusted Dean to tell Sam. Like, Cas could have called Sam, or woken him, but he knew neither would be the best case scenario. Even if it was Dean who suggested he tell Sam, Cas still trusted him with it.

Gosh, backend of Season 15 is so damn heartbreaking as a Heller.

Because they were right there on the cusp of finally figuring it out. Eleven years in each other’s orbit and finally falling into something almost gentle and trusting.

We needed them to repair what was broken so Castiel’s declaration has its full impact—so it fundamentally changes how Dean sees himself after years of believing his singular purpose is to kill and maim.

At the beginning of the season, Dean couldn’t so much as look at Castiel, let alone listen to him. The Writers had to start with Dean and Cas as far apart as they’ve ever been and bring them back together in a way we’d believe and accept.

Nearly losing the Angel again in Purgatory was a mighty fine way to push Dean to reconciliation. And since then, they’ve been comfortable, almost cozy.

S15E17 -

Look, Amara is an interesting character, but she’s more interesting when she’s not trying to become one with Dean. Wild that she ends up becoming one with Dean’s son, but that’s another topic entirely.

“When I found out about Chuck… it’s like, it’s like I wasn’t alive. Not really. You know, like my whole life I’ve never been free, like really free. But now, now me and Sam, we got a shot at living a life without all this crap on our backs. And that’s, that’s because of you. So, I, I, I wanted to say, I need to say thank you, Jack. Thank you.”

This is crazy insight and a lot of honesty from Dean. He really does feel like a puppet on a string, like nothing he ever did was his choice.

I have friends who believe everything is pre-determined. I’ve always hated that idea because if I’m going to agonize over decisions, I’d like it to be worth it, thank you very much.

And Dean wants to know his choices are his—good or bad, win or lose.

It strikes me that as Sam explains what happens to the people from the other worlds, Eileen, to all of them, Dean looks to Cas for confirmation. In this moment, Castiel has none, but I find it fascinating that as Dean is wrestling with this, he hopes the Angel has clarification.

“I’d trade them all in a heartbeat.” “What about me? Would you trade me?”

As soon as Sam forces Dean to look at the issue another way, he looks to Castiel, again. I don’t know what he’s looking for this time. But he looks, still.

Throughout this scene, he’s looking for Cas. Maybe he wants Cas to back him up. But he won’t. Maybe he wants Cas to talk him out of it. But he can’t.

There are times that only Sam can get through, and Cas knows Dean well enough, now, to understand that.

“My entire life, you’ve protected me. {Dean looks back to Cas, again} From Dad, from Lucifer, from everything.”

Sam tries to get through, and damnit it will always be tough to get through to Angry Dean. But nobody can do this better than Sammy.

“We came to an understanding, so spare me your contempt, Castiel, the self-hating angel of Thursday. You know what every other version of you did after 'gripping him tight and raising him from perdition'? They did what they were told. But not you. Not the 'one off the line with a crack in his chassis’.”

This is one of the most fascinating things. I mean, we’ve always heard the other Angels talk about how something was off about Castiel. And we know these Winchesters are different from any other version of the Winchesters.

And it’s easy to think, “Oh, Castiel is only the way he is because he met Dean”.

But, in every other version of the story, Castiel met Dean, raised him from Perdition, and followed the script. He did his job. Because our Castiel is as different as our Sam and Dean.

My Destiel heart leaps at that knowledge.

This Dean and this Cas found one another. Two versions of themselves that were both different enough that their interactions changed one another, that they fundamentally altered one another’s course, that they came together again, and again, and again.

Yes, the trope of “you and me in every universe” is damn beautiful.

But there’s also something hauntingly beautiful about the concept of finding one another only as not an accident of fate, but as a defiance of fate.

No, they might not be throwing trench coats and flannel on the floor in fits of passion. But choosing each other is still a defiant act of love—one that they do repeatedly.

I mean, the one time Chuck is like, “nah, fuck it, I’m leaving Castiel dead”, the little minx annoyed a Cosmic being so much it spat him out like gristle.

They may not find each other in every reality, but they will always find one another in this one.

“All of you. You know I tried and I tried, and I tried, but you’re all just too stupid. Too stubborn. Too broken. You know what, I’m over it. I’m over you.”

"Stubborn" is definitely to Cas, and the way Sam reacts to “stupid” makes me think that one’s his. And “broken” is Dean’s. These three were interesting and entertaining until they started openly defying him.

Can’t get the ending he wants, so he tries to force it out of them. I mean, he already killed Jack once, so why not try, again, right?

Also, showing the Dad’s here around their boy. Framing is everything. Castiel on one shoulder. Dean on the other. Sam supporting from behind. Yeah, this is their entire family dynamic in one image.

Damn, I love DPs.

S15E18 -

“We don’t care about you because you’re useful or you fit into some grand design. We care about you because you’re you.”

Castiel can speak to this particular fear in a way nobody else can. He’s experienced this particular fear many times—that without his powers, he’s useless to the others. That he’s a burden. That he’s a drain.

But once Dean forgives him, prays to him, cries for him in Purgatory, that heals something in Castiel, I think. I think he finally stops doubting his place in this world.

This is what Castiel needed to hear time and time again. And now he’s trying to pass that knowledge and understanding onto his boy.

“You know, God, the Empty, everyone’s so mad at us and I don’t have my powers. There’s nothing I can do to protect us. I’m scared, Cas.” “I know. Me, too.”

As a mother, I understand the value of talking to children clearly and honestly, even when it means sharing in their fears. He’s such a good dad.

“I’ll go with you, Dean.” “Alright. … Let’s go, Cas. Let’s go reap a reaper.”

The last “I’ll go with you” there ever was. There were times Dean said no, times he said yes. But this was the last yes. The last trip. The last time.

They won’t know, now, that this is their last drive together. That whatever song they might listen to on the way is the last song they’ll hear together. They don’t know the words spoken here will play over and over like a well-worn Casette.

They don’t know they’re walking into Death’s grip.

When Billie grabs Dean’s heart, Castiel grabs Dean. He grips him tight.

And the first time I wrote that, I flashed back to the beginning, to Perdition, to Castiel gripping him tight and pulling him out of there. This time, he’s pulling him from Death.

Castiel has always seen himself as the Winchester’s protectors. Later, their friend, and later, still, part of the family. He will always do whatever it takes to protect Dean Winchester.

And as they walk down the hall, Castiel half-carrying Dean, Cas said, “I’ve got you”. It’s a statement. It’s a promise. It’s all he’s ever wanted—to save Dean Winchester.

Castiel closes the door on the room and reaches for Dean’s pocket knife in the human’s back pocket. He always knows where Dean’s stuff is, so it doesn’t read as weird at all.

He cuts his hand and brings the ward to life in his blood. It gives Dean enough room to breathe, and you can see how Castiel breathes more easily seeing Dean straighten.

“I just led us into another trap. All because I, I couldn’t hurt Chuck. Because I was angry and I just needed something to kill and because that’s all I know how to do.”

This is how Dean Winchester sees himself. A killer. Angry. He states it without making a big deal of it, without it coming off as self-pity. No, this is grief. This is heartache.

“Why am I this way?” he must wonder, wishing he could be something else, anything else. Because as far as he knows, this is all there is to him.

He’s put the chair between himself and Castiel. He feels tortured and trapped.

“We never should’ve left Sam and Jack. We should be there with them now. Everybody’s gonna die, Cas. Everybody. I can’t stop it.”

Billie pounds on the door, and Dean’s eyes snap up as a realization hits him—that door can’t hold forever.

“She’s gonna get through that door.” “I know.” “And she’s gonna kill you, and then she’s gonna kill me. I’m sorry.”

First, he has to watch his best friend die. He has to suffer through that. He has to watch as Billie destroys him. Then, she’ll destroy him. And Dean’s wrestling with the belief that this is his fault.

“Why am I so angry? Why am I so stubborn? Why do I have to kill everything—even the things I love?”

But while he’s blaming himself, Castiel is thinking about what happens when he dies, where he goes when he dies. And he realizes that if he’s going there, anyway, why not make it matter.

But… how?

How the hell does he bring on that moment of happiness? Is it possible?

Something strikes him—his earlier conversation with Jack. He told Jack it wasn’t about his powers or abilities. It was about him. That was enough. Being is enough.

“Wait, there is… there’s one thing she’s afraid of. There’s, there’s one thing strong enough to stop her.”

Dean looks to Cas, curious what he’s thought of, what just might save their asses.

“When Jack was dying, I, I made a deal to save him.” “You what?” “The, the price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

You can see the wheels turning as Dean tries to connect the dots, here. Like, buddy, you said you had a solution for our problem. How does this solve anything?

“Why are you telling me this, now?” “I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have. But I think I know, I think I know, now, happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being, it’s in just saying it.”

He finally has a handle on it, how he will accomplish the goal he’s had since the moment he first laid hands on the man—save Dean Winchester.

Before the words “I want” are out, he’s committed. He knows that he’s going to die. He knows he’s given himself permission to openly love Dean Winchester. To defy God and all the Angels who told him it wasn’t for him.

Because, damnit, these are the Dean and Castiel that make their own choices.

Loving Dean isn’t a choice, to be clear. But giving himself permission to feel it, to channel it, to experience it, to say it without shame or fear—that’s the choice. And he’s made it.

Now, it’s only a matter of time—something they never have enough of.

“What are you talking about, man?”

Dean has used this line before when exasperated with Cas. It comes out easily, but as Castiel steps closer, Dean gives him a once over, similar to the one he gave when Cas stepped closer to him to tell him the truth about Jack having to die.

“I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken. You’re daddy’s blunt instrument. You think that hate and anger, that’s, that’s what drives you, that’s who you are. It’s not.”

Castiel’s voice is breaking. He’s building up to it, getting closer to it, letting himself say it. Not just those three magic words, but to tell Dean the Dean he sees.

I mean, if the pages I saw were real, the damn script reads “Still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester.” Holy hell, y’all! Can you imagine having someone see you as beautiful after all you’ve done and all you’ve been through?

Because Castiel knows all of Dean’s sins, better than almost anyone. And he loves him all the same.

On “Daddy’s blunt instrument” you can see how exposed Dean feels. He’s never liked when Castiel looked within him and saw things he wanted unseen. But that’s not where this story is going, Dean. That’s not where this ends.

“And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raise your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.”

Dean’s lips are parted. He’s in shock and so confused. At the end of this bit, he looks down, trying to piece together what is happening, to figure out where this is leading. His lip starts to quiver as Castiel continues, drawing his eyes back to the Angel.

“You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being that I will ever know.”

Cas is smiling through this, the joy filling him. Can you imagine that unlocking of emotions for an Angel who has lived eons without understanding of humanity, without love?

And in just 11 short years, barely a blink to this being, everything changed.

He met a man who challenged him, who frustrated him, who encouraged him to reach for better, and helped him become something more than what Chuck intended.

One of my favorite children’s stories is probably one most people hate—The Velveteen Rabbit. But as someone who’s seen some shit, I love the idea that something worn down and ragged and loved becomes real.

For all the times people talked down about Castiel’s battered trench coat, about his weakness for humanity, about his compassion as a problem… they didn’t realize that all of this all of this makes him more “real” than they could ever be.

Castiel doesn’t love like an Angel, anymore, blind devotion and adulation. His love is human. It’s messy and challenging and real.

On the reverse shot, Dean swallows hard. He doesn’t understand the emotions he’s feeling, or why Castiel has chosen now to do all this. But the moment Castiel turned the attention to him, to Dean, the human can’t speak.

He’s listening. Because nobody has ever spoken to Dean Winchester like this. No one has ever seen him like this. Because nobody has ever loved Dean Winchester like this.

“You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me.”

The single tear trickles down. He smiles between sentences. Every sentence is laced in love, so thick and layered that it affixes itself to Dean without the human even realizing. Every sentence, every word, a bandaid on a badly battered heart, mending it one syllable at a time.

Dean’s expression here is the one that kills me. He’s swallowing his emotions down. He’s not sure of them, no, but what Castiel is saying is touching on his insecurities and fears in ways no one ever has.

Instead of affirming them, Castiel is contradicting them, trying to show Dean the Dean Winchester he sees. The man he loves.

“Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you.”

You can see Dean’s expression shift. Once, when Castiel was near death from the poisoned spear, his speech went a similar way. He’s got a handle on this, now.

His lips are still parted, tears in those green eyes, searching Castiel’s as he tries to root himself. His breathing is uneven. Just look at his Adam’s apple. He’s trying to stay still when everything in him his shaking.

Dean Winchester is shaken.

“You changed me, Dean.” “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” “Because it is.”

Deans lips part further as his head cocks to the side. His breath catches. Watch his mouth. It literally catches. Because he knows what comes out next is goodbye. He doesn’t know what that goodbye is, but this is it.

Because much as he hated them dying here together, he would hate even more to live while those he loves dies.

“I love you.”

It’s honest. It’s earnest. And Dean doesn’t need Castiel to clarify.

He’s listened to the whole speech, each word coated in that love. This is not a brotherly love, but the love of a partner—someone who can see you clearly when you can’t see yourself.

Someone to call you on your shit. To encourage you when you’re fearful, to help you when you’re weak, to support you when you struggle.

Someone to share drinks with, favorite songs, movies, and stories. Someone who makes this whole damn “life” thing feel a little bit easier.

And what can Dean say?

If the script I saw is real, it said “Dean can’t reciprocate” and while I can roll with it, I do think there’s more to it than that from the perspective of what’s on the screen in the rest of this episode and the episodes to come.

Because Dean Winchester doesn’t process emotions quickly. He barely processes them at all. He mostly processes them too late and long after the time to speak has passed.

Dean’s still catching up to how this is all connected—a moment of true happiness. The Empty. Everything is happening so damn fast.

My abuella got really sick the day before Thanksgiving one year. My Dad took her to the Emergency Room. She was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer within days. And two weeks from that ER visit, she passed. Everything happened too quickly.

Processing took us all a long time. At least, I know it did for me and Dad, who were there almost every moment.

Some things take time to understand. And I don’t think Dean has ever looked at his relationship with Castiel in that light, never examined the possibilities, never even thought the Angel could love him romantically.

Because love is for humans, right?

I mean, it’s strange enough that Castiel loves the Winchesters as family, that he loves Jack. So, I don’t think Dean Winchester of this moment can reciprocate because Castiel’s known about his love for Dean for at least a year. Dean’s had a moment.

Castiel smiles, unburdened. The fear and self-hate drains away a bit. Because, he believed wholly that Dean could never love him back. And he can see from Dean’s expression and seeing through him that he hasn’t rejected him or cast him off because of that love.

Even if in that moment the love isn’t reciprocated, it’s understood. It’s received. It’s accepted.

And, Castiel, the Angel of Thursday, saves Dean Winchester one more time.

“Don’t do this, Cas.”

But it’s done, Dean. It’s done. He’s leaving you. He’s taking Billie away and giving you a chance to live, damnit.

Castiel shakes his head slightly. “It’s done, love” his movement says.

Dean hears the sound of the Empty behind him, and his head whips around to the wall. This is when it sets in for him, when he realizes just how little time they have.

There are tears in his eyes, hot tears. His lip quivers. He’s heartbroken. He’s trying to figure out what to say to Castiel, how to organize his thoughts, what does he feel in light of this new information?

But there’s no time. Never enough time. Everything he should have said left unsaid. He’s out of time.

He turns back to Castiel, still looking intently upon him with so much love, so much joy that it radiates off of him, in spite of everything.

Dean tries to stammer out something, but Castiel steps forward, gripping Dean’s shoulder one more time.

“Goodbye Dean.”

And Dean can barely process the phrase before Castiel throws him to the wall, out of the Empty’s aim.

As Dean pushes up to look at Castiel from his spot on the floor, his Angel is looking down at him. One last look of love, a half laugh bubbling out of him.

It’s the end, and yet he’s never felt so… free. He’s free. For all of thirty seconds this poor Angel is free.

But, it’s the best moment of his life because he saved the human he loved by loving him.

Dean has tears in his eyes. They glisten with them. His mouth opens and closes with words he can’t summon.

There’s added breathing here that drives me mad because Ackles acts with his breathing. It’s something I picked up on very quickly. Dean will hold his breath or gasp as part of the character.

And that final gasp when Castiel is gone… it aches.

The family song plays—the last time it will play for Castiel—as the Empty takes the tear-streaked Angel away.

After the commercial break, Dean sits alone in the bunker. All that’s left of Castiel is the handprint in blood on his coat. It covers the shoulder Castiel gripped when he pulled Dean out of Hell.

First touch. Last touch.

Wow, Dean actually did get touched by an Angel.

But what strikes me about this final scene of an episode entitled Despair is the silence. There is no added music to ease us through this—because we aren’t meant to feel comfort. This is despair.

Dean hasn’t moved from the floor, save to pull the phone from his pocket. The phone is ringing, but he can’t bring himself to talk. He can’t talk to Sam. He couldn’t talk to Cas.

He lost the time to say the things he should have said… He won’t talk to a soul for hours as he drives to meet Sam.

The only sound in this final shot besides the phone buzzing on the floor is Dean’s soft sobs as he holds his head in his hands. It’s such a brazen choice, reminding us not only of the quiet of the world, but the loneliness for Dean.

Dean talks so many times about how things would hit him and he could shake them off later. But with Cas, he’s always struggled to shake it off—the good and the bad.

And now, instead of answering the call from his brother, the most important person in his world, he drops the phone, lets it ring, and holds his head in his hands while he sobs.

His mourning for Cas is bigger, in this moment, than anything else.

Because he didn’t understand. Now he does.

Dean knew Cas loved him, but I don’t think he ever considered Cas was in love with him. Yes, I know this is a very controversial thing to say, but that’s how I see it.

When I look at Dean sitting there, I see a man who is just starting to grapple with what he lost. Because, in canon, Dean always realizes what Cas means to him after he loses him.

Every time Cas comes back, Dean is more open with him, more honest with him, more affectionate with him, more caring with him. Hell, even after the Divorce Arc there was something gentler and more caring about his relationship with Cas.

Dean sometimes needs that jolt of loss to help propel him forward emotionally. It’s a part of his character that we can see very clearly throughout the series.

He’s one of the most emotionally stunted guys out there, but every time he loses Cas, he falls a little deeper for him. And I don’t think romantic love ever crossed Dean’s mind because he’s wrapped himself in a dynamic where he doesn’t think he needs romantic love at all.

Dean Winchester puts everything in his life into emotional silos and boxes. He has a very black-and-white view of himself and the world around him when we first meet him.

He’s a hunter. He’s a killer. Monsters are bad. Etc.

But anyone watching the show knows there are layers to Dean far beyond what he can see, right? We know that he isn’t any one thing and that most of his worst views of himself are self-imposed by trauma and fear.

And when it comes to relationships, Dean has only a few settings: Friend, Family, Fling, Committed Romantic/Sexual Partner.

Cas long moved out of the “Friend” category, with Dean already calling them Family early on. But once he was nestled in that box, Dean tried to keep him there. He occasionally dipped into “Best Friend”, which was a big move, especially for him.

Dean has never seen Cas show physical affection to a man. He’s only seen Castiel with Meg, knows he had sex with April, and when he was brainwashed, he married a woman. (Side note: What happened to that poor girl!?)

It would never cross his mind that Cas was romantically attracted to him. Hell, not even attracted, invested. Castiel has been doting on Dean for so long, but Dean couldn’t recognize it as such.

Dean doesn’t know what romantic love without sex looks like. Now, this isn’t to say that sex couldn’t be on the table for these two down the line. Only, that Dean doesn’t realize he’s spent years in a panromantic asexual partnership without realizing it.

Until now.

Everything they’ve shared—especially the last few years—is suddenly under a different lens. He didn’t know.

And what might he have done if he’d known before? Would it have changed anything? Would he have done things differently? If he’d understood what he’d had, might have reached out more?

These are all the things rolling around in his head as he now has to grapple not only with the loss of Castiel as his best friend, but the loss of Castiel as the potential love of his life.

Yes, I mean that.

Nobody has ever loved Dean Winchester like Castiel did. And nobody has ever changed Dean like Castiel.

Those final moments of loss are gut-wrenching, and much as the show allowed us to sit with Dean in the moments when Castiel was stabbed and Dean had to prep his body for burning, we’re allowed to sit with Dean in his pain, now.

Because the cord of connection that so tightly bound them has been severed, snapped in half by a darker, gelatinous, thread of darkness.

But the remnants of that cord wrap themselves tight around Dean’s heart, stitched together with Castiel’s final words of love to form a shield that nobody else ever gave Dean, something he certainly couldn’t give himself.

Yes, he’s mourning. He’s heartbroken. But, he accepted Castiel’s love. We know in the moment he couldn’t reciprocate (per the script), but I think that’s only because he had zero time to consider how he felt. He was so gobsmacked by the words coming out of his best friend’s mouth that there was no time to process.

We know that Collins was approached before Season 15 with the idea for Cas’ demise. He knew that he was playing Cas as in love with Dean, without wiggle room, for the entirety of that season.

But Castiel says he’s been wondering ever since he made the deal what his moment of happiness would look like. Collins might not have known, but Castiel knew then that he was in love with Dean.

So, Cas has had at least a year to understand and explore his romantic attachment to Dean. Dean has less than a minute before Cas is gone.

And the camera stays with him. We stay with him.

His eyes are filled with tears as he tries to absorb what just happened. They were running. They were gonna die. Cas made the sacrificial play, but he did so by releasing his fear and openly loving Dean.

Everything changed in a matter of minutes. Everything.

He weeps for Cas. He weeps for what he’s lost. He weeps for what might have been if he’d only known.

Now he knows. And that is a part of him for the rest of his (short-lived) life.

S15E19 -

“Where’s Cas?”

They haven’t spoken, Dean and the others. Maybe he couldn’t bring himself to speak without sobbing, so he texted them. They picked a rendezvous. And they drove.

On this drive, Dean’s still processing everything. He’s taking in the horrors of the world around him while still struggling with a very personal loss. He bears the bloody mark on his shoulder of Cas’ hand, carrying him with him.

“Dean?” “He saved me. Billie was coming after us, and Cas summoned the Empty. It took her. And it took him. Cas is gone.”

Dean is very clinical in his explanation. I mean, kudos for Dean knowing well enough not to out someone, but it’s also too damn personal. He’s not going to share the details with the others.

But Jack knew the specifics of the deal. And this is always something that has fascinated me—Jack says nothing. He doesn’t tell Dean that he was aware of the deal, that he knows it involved Cas’ happiness.

I’m sure he wonders. But part of me wonders if he knew. Ya know? Did he know his Dad was in love with his other Dad all along? And that other Dad would’ve realized he was in love with his Dad if he’d considered the option?

Too many Dads in this paragraph. And I say that as someone with three Dads myself!

“Jack, I’m sorry.”

Because Cas was his first Dad. His chosen Dad. But Castiel made that deal to save his son. And he fulfilled that deal by proclaiming his love to his beloved. They’re all family.

“But first, you gotta put things back the way they were. The people. The birds. Cas. {points} You gotta bring him back.”

It’s the only thing he asks for for himself. It’s the only thing that’s personal, that’s specific, that he can’t stop himself from demanding.

And this is wild because he’s offering to let Sam kill him if that means Cas gets to come back.

It ties nicely back to Sam’s theory that Dean’s all for the sacrifice play if he's the one to make it. That Dean doesn’t want to hurt. And, oy, this man is hurting.

“Cas?, Dean, I’m here. I’m hurt. Can you let me in?”

This aches more than it should. Because, Lucifer isn’t a shapeshifter, remember? Chuck was the one to make the call to get them to open the door. Chuck used Castiel’s voice against Dean.

Because there’s nothing more in the world that Dean wants for himself than to talk to Cas.

Yes, Dean wants to save the world. But that’s not for him. That’s because he sees an issue in the world and thinks it’s his responsibility. He wants to give every day people lives without fear. He’ll take on the nightmares and the anguish if it means they get to live.

But if he were selfish, here, besides Sammy, the one person he needs most in this world is Cas—and for a second, he had hope. And he lost that hope just as quickly.

And for the fans, oh, this hurts. Because the last time we hear Castiel’s voice, it isn’t even Cas. It’s a fictitious moment of hope that slices through us all. And, I get it, this show feels like a tragedy most of the time. But it still aches.

“To die at the hands of Sam Winchester… of Dean Winchester, the ultimate killer… It’s kind of glorious.” “Sorry, Chuck.” “What. What?” “See, that’s not who I am. That’s not who we are.”

Ho. Ly. Shit. You’re telling me that in the last ten minutes of the last episode, Dean Winchester is still all “I needed something to kill because that’s all I know how to do” and now he’s all “That’s not who I am”?

Hmmmm. I wonder what might’ve changed his mind. Or, rather, his heart.

This is Castiel’s love at work in him. Yes, Cas isn’t there for this showdown with Chuck, but Dean’s carrying his Angel with him. Because Dean believed Cas when the Angel told him who he was.

Love changes us. It does.

And Dean’s going to be sitting with the knowledge of what was, what wasn’t, and what could’ve been with Castiel for a while. But he’s already allowed that love into him. He accepted it. He internalized it. He let it change him.

It’s a part of him, now. Castiel’s love.

And, in time, I think he’ll look back at the years and their relationship and perhaps forget the labels and the boxes and realize he just loved Cas. He did. He loved him in a way he’d never loved anyone else.

Everyone in Heaven and Hell knew it. Sam knew it. Jack knew it. Honestly, I bet Rowena and Crowley were taking bets on whether Dean would ever figure it out. Sam bet against Dean, naturally, because Dean just couldn’t see it.

But Dean’s eyes have been opened to Castiel’s love, and I think that’s the gateway to him examining his own heart in a way that’s at first uncomfortable, but later freeing.

Love can look different, Dean. It doesn’t have to be one way or one path.

I mean, I was raised in the Purity Movement, for goodness sake. First love, courtship, engagement, marriage, and then you’re a vessel for your husband’s pleasure if you’re a woman. That’s the pathway. That’s all I had in my head for far too long.

Dean’s path-to-love is more “Panties down, Penis up, Fall in Love Later”, but it’s still a path that seems set, to him.

Castiel couldn’t have been further outside his understanding if he’d tried. An antagonist whose white hot loyalty affixed to Dean before morphing into the steady blue fire of enduring love and devotion. It snuck up on Dean.

But he started making exceptions for Cas. He started doing things for Cas he wouldn’t do for anyone else. He started thinking of Cas all the time, even when he wasn’t there. He wanted to drink with Cas and laugh with Cas. He wanted to be with him.

He just didn’t know that was love.

At the end, we see the table… MW is there for Mary, and Jack and Castiel. I don’t know why they chose to put his whole name and not “Cas”, but they did. And they’re all there, together, until they can be reunited in Heaven.

They left their mark on that table—and on each other.

S15E20 -

“I’m thinking about Cas, you know? Jack. If they could be here.” “Yeah. Yeah, no, I think about ‘em, too. You know what, that pain’s not going away. Right? But if we don’t keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing.”

I’m sorry, where is “nobody left behind”? God pulled Lucifer out of the Empty, so why not ask Jack to get Cas? I mean, come on, Dean!

And, yes, I know how it ends. But this really bothered me the first time I watched, when I had no clue how this episode ended.

Yes, Rachel was somehow sheltered enough by the internet she knew about the rusty nail in the barn, but that was about it.

I don’t want to get into the whole death scene, except to say that I’m so glad Dean doesn’t waste his moments with his brother. He asks Sam for a minute to gather his thoughts, and then he tells his baby brother that he’s proud of him. That he looks up to him. They needed this.

Look, I’m a Destiel shipper, but the heart of this show has always been those Winchester boys. And maybe Dean learned not to waste what time he gets to say goodbye from losing Cas, and tough as that is, this is the core of who Dean is and always has been—Sammy’s big brother.

You can’t have Destiel without Dean and Castiel. And you can’t have Dean without all of who he is, and a big part of his identity is wrapped up in Sam. That’s just how it is.

And the fact that with his dying breaths he told Sam, “I love you so much” is important. He needed to say it.

Look, Dean is my second-favorite character of the show, and probably not the first only because we are too alike. I look at Dean and I see a lot of myself. We’re both so fucking broken and have the capacity to bring others so much pain if we choose to.

But at our core we want to do more. We want to do some good in this world before it burns down, and we understand that our lives will sometimes suck a little more and that’s okay because someone out there doesn’t have to feel this pain, doesn’t have to fight this fight.

I mean, I get it. I was my brother’s caretaker, too. I was 3.5 years older, but that gap felt so huge when we were tiny and I just wanted to save him from the world.

I won’t get into my childhood. This is the internet, after all. But I have a lot of generational, co-dependent parental bullshit in there, too. My brother was more like Sammy—it slid off him like water and he made his own way. I was the one to stay close to home in too many ways for far too long. It wasn’t until my 30’s that I learned how to live a better life and break free.

So, while I have my personal opinions on this whole episode—like we all do—I’m glad Dean didn’t waste his final moments with Sammy. I’m glad he told him all he needed to tell him. And I’m glad that when he gets topside, he’s had that moment of growth and development independent of Cas.

He and Cas are a whole separate thing. And that’s okay. That’s good.

“That kid of yours, before he went, wherever, made some changes here.”

“That kid of yours”!? Are you kidding me!? Yes, we all know that Castiel was Jack’s chosen father, which means Dean co-parents by default. But it is fucking adorable that Bobby is fully aware of that fact. Like, yes, Destiel has a kid. Two, actually!

“It ain’t just heaven, Dean. It’s the heaven you deserve. And we’ve been waiting for you.” “So, Jack did all that.” “Well, Cas helped.”

Bobby put that emphasis on “Cas” there because he knew how it would land. Look, Bobby wasn’t around to see everything that would happen between these two, but Heaven’s gotta have gossip and everyone topside knew just what those two meant to one another.

And if Bobby knows about “that kid of yours” he probably knows about a lot more to which he wasn’t privy.

Also, I see you with those raised eyebrows, Bobby. There’s a touch of, “Yeah, I know you’re gonna get Touched by an Angel real soon, son” to it.

Dean breathes out a chuckle as he takes that in, and his breath kills me, here. Jensen Ackles uses breathing as part of his performance.

I don’t know if he realizes he does, but it’s part of what I love and hate about Cas’ exit in S15E18. It feels like they ADR’d some breathing in there that wasn’t a part of the performance.

Because what undoes you right before the fade to black in that scene is Dean’s gasp as he registers what the fuck just happened. That Billie is gone, but so is Cas. Forever.

Tie that gasp of despair to this sigh of relief and it’ll make you feel things, my friends.

There’s so much about this that aches since we don’t get to actually see Castiel in the series finale. I don’t know what the logic around COVID protocols or whatnot were that lead to that decision, but it aches. It feels unfinished. It’s that bugbite we’ll scratch and scratch but never relief its itching.

But I can’t comment on what isn’t or could have been… only what is. And in this version of the story, Castiel has stayed topside since Jack rescued him from the Empty, no doubt exchanging to grant the Empty sleep and rest in exchange for the Angel.

And Castiel has to stay topside because Jack wants to be a hands-off God and not intervene. That means no Angels tangled up in the affairs of humanity, right?

Cas not being there to greet Dean is tough. Next to Sam and Bobby, Cas is his family. And Cas isn’t here. It’s an omission that aches, but it is what it is, for whatever reason.

“It’s a big, new world out there. You’ll see.”

Dean acknowledges Bobby, but then his thoughts go back to Cas—he’s looking at the same spot, which is such a fun little actor thing. Yup. Big new world, indeed.

I mean, look at the way he kind of shakes his head in disbelief. He’s going to see his Angel, again.

“It’s almost perfect.”

He misses Sammy. Of course he does. But I love that the only thing he’s missing is Sammy… because everyone else he loves—Cas included—is here.

Why didn’t Dean run off to see Cas? Well, for one, this isn’t the Destiel show. Yes, I know, I’m no longer allowed in the club. But, that’s okay.

But, the other reason is time. Dean ran out of time to tell Cas how he felt, to even process how he felt in light of what Cas declared. Because while Dean knew Cas had a soft spot for him all this time, Dean can’t see into Cas the way the Angel sees into him. But in a way, that, too, is a gift.

Because while they have all the time in history, now, to say what needs to be said—no words will ever be needed. Because the moment Dean finds his way to Cas up there and their eyes meet, Cas will know everything he needs to know.

When he looks into Dean’s eyes, he’ll see something he never could have dreamt he’d see—love reflected back to him. And everyone else already knows.

Mary clocked it the moment she saw her adult son hugging his “Friend”. Heaven and Hell have known for ages. It was just Dean playing catchup, the way he sometimes did.

In so many ways, he was often the first to deduce something, the first to know. But emotions and feelings have always been more elusive for him, more easily embraced by his brother.

What is love but to see and be seen? Dean simply couldn't see it until it was too late., until Cas was gone.

That's been his pattern—realizing each time how much Cas means to him when he loses him. And each time it's a deeper ache, a more profound pain. Because in the time between leavings they've grown together through adversity, but also levity. They embrace the moments of life together.

Cas drinks with Dean despite his inability to taste like a human (see peanut butter) and how little effect it has on him (see his bender encompassing an entire liquor store).

Because Dean and Cas are so similar, sometimes. They're both so damn self-destructive if it means saving others. (And now I have “We are so similar. We’re both so stubborn” from Pride & Prejudice playing on repeat in my head). Neither realizes what they mean to anyone else until that blink before the end—between eyes opening and closing before the door shatters inward or the world tilts toward destruction.

That's part of why their story is so compelling. In all the universes, it was this Cas and this Dean who saved the world. Literally, Cas' love for Dean saved him not only physically, but emotionally.

The world scratched at Dean all his life, leaving his self esteem and self worth in tatters, medicated by drink and drive to destroy monsters because dwelling amongst humanity was too hard for Dean. Cas' love healed that wound in a way nobody could have suspected, even Chuck.

Because as Dean sat on the floor ignoring his brother's phone call, he buried his head in his hands and he wept. He lost his best friend. He lost someone who loved him completely, without condition, in spite of the bad choices he'd made and all the wrong calls that literally led to Cas's declaration and the wall opening to suck him away.

But if Castiel, Angel of Heaven, could see Dean at his worst over and over, again, and declare with full heart—that's not who you are. This is who you are… maybe, just maybe Dean could believe it, too.

My husband and I have these check-in moments in our life—where we need the other to say the comforting thing to help us believe it. It's not that we're incapable of arriving at that conclusion on our own, but more that we need the affirmation from the one who knows and loves us best. Stripped of his fear, Cas freely gave all of himself to Dean. And it changed Dean forever.

Because Dean has always loved Cas differently.

The formative moments of trust that bubbled between them, where for so long it was clear Cas’ affections for Dean were so much stronger than anything he’d ever felt. “Too much heart has always been Castiel’s problem”, indeed.

Because while he could stuff those emotions down enough to follow the prophetic plan in the past, Dean Winchester proved too potent a tonic for the company koolaid.

In every other version of the story, Castiel does what he was told. But not our Cas. No, he fell in love. He fell in love with a Dean Winchester who carved out his own fate in spite of the story chosen for him.

And that’s what’s so powerful about Dean and Cas’ love story—Chuck didn’t write it. They did.

Amidst all their questions about free will and choice, Dean and Castiel chose one another again, and again, and again. Their love story is their own.

As I reflect on the end of the series and the possibilities of reunion in Heaven, here’s what I know:

Castiel loves Dean Winchester. Not the white-hot devotion of Angelic allegiance, but in a very human manner. He sees and understands Dean’s faults—and he loves him anyway. He will always love him.

Dean Winchester loves Castiel in a way he’s never loved anyone else. He didn’t realize this, of course, until Cas spoke the words that forced him to re-evaluate everything. His love for Castiel doesn’t fit into any box, and it transcends labels. It’s theirs and that’s what matters.

When they do reunite, where they go next is entirely up to them. But I tell you this—one look at Dean, and Castiel will see what Dean realized in his absence—it’ll always be them. They will always be them. And they’ll write the next chapters of their story together.

And, yes, I know there’s a bit of Dean in The Winchesters where our dear Hunter just can’t sit still. Even goes so far as being willing to be cast out of Heaven. Never would expect him to sit still for long, would we?

Honestly, folks who say there’s no reason for a reunion, I think it’s one of those cases where Dean’s so damn stubborn he’d want to come back down

This was—by far—the longest continuous Meta I have ever written. I mean, there was a lot of material. But, also, I have to give credit to the fans who stuck it out despite everyone telling them they were crazy.

And however you see these two—asexual, bisexual, biromantic, demiromantic, pansexual, etc—that’s awesome, too! I think we all see a bit of ourselves in these two because queer love is just awesome—whether or not it has labels.

In the end, Dean and Castiel’s love for one another was a rebellion—rebellion against Chuck, against heteronormativity, against a world that tries to put us in boxes and force us to fulfill roles.

Neither Dean or Cas was ever any good at staying in their lanes, coloring inside the lines, doing as they were told. Instead, they sought what was good and right along a better way. No, they didn’t always get it right—but falling is part of the journey. Falling is part of free will.

Yes, Dean and Castiel loved as a rebellion, not because they chose rebellion, but because they chose each other.

Thanks for reading, loves. No, go out and make the world better just by being your beautiful self.

#destiel #spn #supernatural meta

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kiteblue42 · 2 months ago

Text

Part IV - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

You read Part I, Part II, Part III, and still want to read more of my insane ramblings!? Wow. I think I love you.

This was the wildest Meta I've ever written. And the longest continuous Meta for me, too! I hope someone out there gets a fraction of the enjoyment reading it that I got writing it.

WARNING: These are just my opinions. We all have our own head cannons and I don't think mine's more valid than anyone else's!

SPOILERS: Everything is fair game. I hold nothing back from the series.

Good to go? Yeah, we're good. Let's dive in.

S11E01 -

Oh, goody, the weird Darkness arc where Dean’s supposed to have sexual tension with a woman and it just doesn’t land.

Look, I’ve said before—chemistry is or isn’t. And there are others who I am sure saw Dean and Amara together and were just waiting for them to rip their clothes off and claim one another as the new creation.

I’m just not one of them.

And it’s not the Destiel clouding me. I mean, I’ve seen Dean have some mad chemistry with some of his hookups.

This one just never read as sexual to me… more an incomprehensible drawing of the one who unleashed the Darkness and the Darkness itself.

Oh. My. Gosh. It’s Zuul and Vinz from Ghostbusters. Like, no chemistry, but a strange drawing to one another. And, yes, I know how that ended, but I didn’t like that one, either, even as a kid.

There is no Dean. Only Zuul.

“Where the hell are you, Cas?” I’m, I’m okay.” “You don’t sound okay.” “Dean, I am fine. Besides, what I have, you can’t help me.” “What do you mean what you have?” “Just, please tell Sam Rowena escaped with the Book of the Damned and Codex.” “Okay, forget Rowena, where are you?”

Dean can hear how bad off Cas is—and he’s scared.

The last time he saw Cas, he beat the shit out of him. And now it sounds like things have only gotten worse.

That’s bound to activate some of Dean’s Protective Hubby status, especially now that the Mark’s gone.

“Now, you tell me, the Mark.” “Oh, really, you’re worried about me after everything that I-”

Yes, Dean. After everything. After all the things he knows you’ve done. After all the things you’ve done to him. After all the things he’s done to you.

After everything you will still be Cas and Dean.

“Dean. Is it gone?” “Yes, I’m good. I mean, I’m not great.”

Look at the relief on Castiel’s face. He needed that. He needed to hear that it worked. That Dean Winchester—his Dean Winchester—would still walk the Earth, no matter what happened to Cas next.

“Sam. Dean. Goodbye. It may be some time before we see one another again.”

And Dean’s trying to keep Cas on the line, to get more information from him, to know that he’s going to be okay. But he is far from okay.

“We can’t save Cas if we’re stuck in a hospital, okay?”

The mission shifts. Because Dean fucked Castiel up (derogatory) the last time they saw one another, and now he knows the Angel’s in deep shit. And he wants to save him.

He wants to be the one. He has to do something good for him after all the bullshit.

Because Sam didn’t give up on his big brother. And Cas didn’t give up on his maybe something. And much as Dean protested at the time, he’s here and he needs to protect the people he loves, again.

S11E02 -

“Near as I can tell, when you have to choose between Heaven and the Winchesters, you choose them, every time. So, you see, you’re not my brother.”

Oh, good, return of the Dick Angels. And, yes, I combined them up there. They’re not worth the quotation marks.

Hannah?! Fucking Hannah is going to be the savior?!

Oh, nevermind. Good, I always knew she was a bitch. I feel vindicated.

“Help me.”

Gotta love that he fixed his tie before going to them. Like, seriously, what a weird choice, Cas.

S11E03 -

“Sorry about those, Cas. Til we know what’s goin on with you, you're still a bit of a wild card, you know?”

Why the fuck didn’t we use those on you, Dean!? You were all like, “Sure, I’m slaying left and right like everyone’s worst bloody nightmare, but I’m good”.

Two seconds of “something’s off with Cas” and the chains go on. Gee wiz.

“Cas, you alright pal? … It appears I simply respond differently than humans.”

And while Cas is trying just to sit upright, the Winchesters are stage-whispering about how much worse he’s getting.

Y’all, he could hear you through the door when he was in Betrayal Mode. You really think barely lowering your voice is going to do anything when he’s two feet away at the next table!?

Seriously, Winchesters. He’s an Angel.

“You think it’s crappy?” “Eye of the beholder.”

I love how Dean’s the one to reassure Cas. Because, we all see value in different place, right?

And this is another case of Cas seeing a value that Dean can’t—Cas saw the value in his car. He sees the value in Dean.

It’s such a little thing, but I like the consistency in character, there.

Cas seizures and falls, and the boys run to him.

Interestingly enough, before the fade to black, the only voice we hear calling out to Cas is Dean’s.

Probably meant nothing when someone wrote it that way, but then little ole fans like me wander in and go, “Coincidence? I think not” (thanks The Incredibles).

I mean, yeah, this one’s probably a coincidence, but it’s more fun out here in delulu land.

When he wakes, he sees Sam there, but Dean’s the one touching him, a hand on the shoulder.

“It’s like I was inside a blender that was set to puree for a tomato salsa.” “And you’re the tomato.” “In this analogy, yes.” {Sam stares}

Damnit, Sam! They were having a moment. Yes, I know you’re concerned about Cas and whatnot, but that was cute.

They help him up and Dean places a blanket over Cas, leaving a hand on his shoulder. He only removes the hand when Cas starts talking about the voices.

“First thing’s first.”

I kinda love that Heaven’s priority is Metatron, and Dean’s is Castiel. I mean, wow. Wanna talk about how things have shifted, how things have changed.

They could go after Metatron to deal with the Darkness, but Cas comes first.

He’s down so bad for the little winged Angel and he doesn’t even know it!

“And your friend with the bent halo? He goes foaming at the mouth mad and dies.”

Well, this is new one to the “ways to describe the broken Angel” category. Poor little Castiel.

“Your wee pal Castiel wouldn’t be in this pickle if you’d done what you’d promised.”

She says this to Sam, but it’s a nice twist of the knife in Dean’s ribs.

“Cas. Let her go.”

He listens. Through the fucking spell cast by one of the most powerful witches in existence, Castiel hears Dean. Tell me that’s not fucking love!

“It’s gonna be alright, buddy, okay?”

And then Cas gets a turn to beat the shit out of Dean. Seriously, if these two would just go to couples’ counseling, a lot of this could be avoided.

Yes, I know. I know. Magic Spell. Mark of Cain. Lots of other magic, supernatural bullshit.

Cas starts to seizure and Dean—who is already on his knees—drops lower to be close to the same level as him. Dean lifts Castiel’s face, cupping the Angel’s face with his right hand, the other on his shoulder.

Dean helps him to sit up, then places a hand on either side of his face, holding his eyes before patting him on the shoulder, right hand still cupping his face.

“Dean, I… there aren’t words.” “You’re right, there aren’t words, Cas, ’cause there’s no need.”

And that’s still my over-reaching theory for these two and Heaven. Dean will never need to tell Cas that things are different since they said goodbye, that he’s had the chance to examine their relationship through the eyes of love—something that never occurred to him before.

His mother and Bobby already know. No doubt, they’ve told John, so he’s up to speed.

So when the Angel and Dean show up for family get-togethers and hanging at the bar, seeing one with an arm around the other is commonplace.

No words are needed.

But, I’m getting way ahead on this one.

“You were under a spell, it’s fine.” “Yeah, but you had Rowena. Because of me, you-” “You know, Cas, we’ve got the codex. That’s a start.”

Sam tries to comfort Castiel, who always sees himself as a burden to those he loves. Heaven treats him as broken, and he wants so badly to do well for these humans—his chosen family.

It’s almost worse to let down your chosen family, you know? The people who found in life and thought, “Yup, they’re mine!”

Because that kind of love isn’t demanded by custom and blood, but forged in fire and hope.

“Dean, I can fix that.” “No, no, no. It’s fine, Cas. Besides, I had it coming.”

Dean looks up to meet Cas’ eyes. It’s purposeful.

I don’t know if either of them told Sam how bad it was—how close Dean came to killing Castiel under the weight of the Mark of Cain.

And they haven’t discussed that at all.

Look how Castiel responds to that. The little tilt of the head. The “oh, darling” expression in his eyes as his mouth closes.

Dean doesn’t use a lot of words, but Castiel knows enough what this is—his penance. His apology. His punishment for what he did to Cas.

Dean turns away, but looks back at Cas, briefly. He’s lingering on that moment where he almost made one of the worst choices of his life. So, he’ll take this pain, damnit, because it’s nothing compared to the emotional pain he’s not ready to deal with.

And this whole sequence cuts Sam out like he isn’t even there (Hell, Padalecki probably wasn’t there at all because it’s not his coverage)—because this conversation is about Dean and Cas.

It’s only after Cas sits that we see Sam, again, looking between the two.

S11E04 -

They shot an entire episode… from the car’s perspective!? How many cameras? My production mind has so many questions!

Sure, bottle episode, blah, blah, blah. But now that we’re waiting 2+ years for streamers to release 10 episode seasons, I’d gladly take back the 22-26 seasons every few months even if it meant there were some filler episodes and bottle episodes in there.

We didn’t know how good we had it.

“Cas is getting better, so theres that. Still wants to fix your-” “I’m fine. 100%.” “Alright, well, he’s not. He still needs more time to heal. “Maybe, guess we got nothing to do but get better.”

It says a lot that even after Dean said he deserved it, Cas still wants to fix it. He always wants to fix it, especially for Dean.

“Cas, you’ve got one job to do, and that’s heal, you understand?”

Look at these two. So stubborn. So similar. Castiel knows that Dean would be doing the exact damn thing—trying to help when he should probably be resting. And Dean’s trying to take care of the damn Angel, but he’s so resistant.

“You think he’s gonna be okay?” “He just needs some time, you know? We all do.”

He keeps talking about the “we” here needing healing and restoration. I don’t know if our boy is finally realizing he can’t bounce back like he did in his 20’s, or whatnot, but it’s recurrent in this episode.

Also, I wonder how much Castiel told them about his torture at the hands of other Angels, at how they told him he is entirely unwelcome. He has been cut off by the only family he ever knew, even when he begged for mercy and help.

But the Winchesters—despite Dean nearly killing him and he beating the shit out of Dean not a week later—are there for him. His chosen family.

So, if he has to stay home and heal, he’s going to try to do something productive with the time he has.

And, I’m sorry, can I join the Bob Seger sing-a-long because that shit is fucking adorable. Oh, it’s nice when the show reminds us that these brothers do have good times together. They need that. We need that.

We need the reminders of what we’re fighting for.

And, yes, this is a show. It’s a television show that’s been off the air for five years. But it means something to us.

In the real world, there’s so much going on right now that’s tough and terrifying. But I choose to rebel by injecting as much joy as I can into my life. And I love cheering for my friends who are experiencing joy.

Because we’re all beautiful, as we are. And there are factors trying to take away our rights, to silence our voices, to restrict our movements, to overwhelm us to the point we shut down.

But if we remember what we’re fighting for, we can help carry each other through. Even if one of us loses faith for a while, others will carry the torch so the light is never-ending, still guiding us toward that indestructible construct—hope.

Television shows may seem like throw away things, but even a TV show can give us hope. For many, Supernatural is the show they put on when the world goes to shit. It’s a comfort in trying times.

Entertainment is often billed as pulpy or unworthy of attention if it doesn’t strike certain tones or themes, but I think that’s bullshit. Because entertainment, characters, stories… these are the magic.

So, yes, I love when Supernatural shows these boys actually functioning as brothers who get a minute just to be together and experience a moment where they aren’t drenched in blood or burdens.

Sometimes sometimes they just sing along with the radio. And that’s beautiful.

“Really? You don’t ever want something more?” “I’m sorry. Have you met us? We’re batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs.”

Bro, you’ve been in a domestic partnership with an Angel (formerly) of the Lord for a few years, now. But because Cas isn’t running around in a frilly apron making you meatloaf, you don’t see it.

“You don’t ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever, but… something? You know with a Hunter? Somebody who understands the life?”

Y’all are just being obtuse, now. Hmmm. Who do we know that Dean has a more-than-friends but not-brotherly affectionate and loving relationship with? Who? Hmmm. I wonder…

“Come on, man. That quote? ’God helps those who help themselves?’ God didn’t say that. That’s not even in the Bible. That’s an old proverb that dates back to Aesop. … I read.”

Dean [No Middle Name] Winchester, can you just stop and accept that you’re fucking smart!? Sometimes he is so committed to putting everyone in their boxes that he thinks that both he and Sam can’t be smart—only one of them. And he’ll choose Sammy every time.

Give yourself more credit, damn it!

And how wild is it that the boys both dream of a normal life? Because Dean will never admit it and never pursue it. But, some part of him does want it.

“Cas? You okay?”

I love that his first thought it that something must be wrong with Castiel, and that’s why he’s calling. And then Castiel ends up being the one freaked out, crying Dean’s name over and over.

And then Dean just leaves him, again, to decapitate the guy.

“Alright, Cas, you there?” “Of course. What’s going on?”

Him and his “of course” to Dean. I guess that’s his “As you wish”, right?

“Thanks, Cas. Good work. Way to come off the bench.”

All those words of affirmation for his little Angel. Gosh, I love when he gives Castiel those little morsels to hold onto after all the horrors of the Angels. Dean doesn’t even realizing he’s doing it, but it matters.

“We’ll get Cas to fix you up.” “Only if he fixes you up, too.” “Okay, Mom.”

He finally gives in to letting Cas help, but only because Sam pushed him. Good.

S11E05 -

“What do you want to do about Cas?” “Oh, he’s knee-deep in binge watching The Wire. Just started Season 2.” “Oh, yeah, he’s not coming out anytime soon.”

They both know Cas is shaken up bad. So, maybe he did tell them about the bullshit with the Angels and my (least) favorite Angel, Hannah.

S11E06 -

“Oh, what, you think he’s ready? He’s had a pretty rough go of it lately.” “Which one of us hasn’t?”

I forgot Season 11 is where Dean and Sam switch when it comes to Cas, where Dean becomes the more protective one and Sam gets more exasperated.

I know I talk a lot about how Dean’s feelings for Cas get deeper when he loses him, but I think that whole “nearly killing Castiel” thing also fucked with him pretty bad.

Because, he nearly did it. He was inches from doing it. And Castiel still didn’t give up on him.

Who, besides his little brother, would have been willing to go through all that and not utter a word or demand an apology? Castiel understands, and so Dean doesn’t have to use words. Cas just knows.

But, now his Protective Hubby mode might actually be hurting more than it’s helping.

“Seems insane to leave our one and only Angel friend on the bench.” “I’ll call him.”

We’ve come a long way from “Why does it always have to be me to make the call?” to Dean willingly offering to make the call. And Dean steps away from Sam to make it, too, putting distance between himself and his brother.

And that is fascinating to me, because he doesn’t want Sam to overhear. He wants to just focus on talking to Cas and try to get him off the bench.

“Cas. How you doing, buddy?”

Castiel is caught up in daytime television—the kind of stuff I only really watched with babysitters and my abuella when she took me sometimes in the Summer. There’s a reason I would excuse myself to read on the back porch, instead.

“Well, you sound weird, okay? Bad weird. … So, do me a favor. Turn off the TV. Go outside and get some air. We’re int he dark here, pal. I need you back in the game, okay?”

He tried. He tried to get through. And he was honest.

But just approaching the door is bringing on a wave of trauma… of beating the shit out of Dean again. Of Dean, again saying, “This isn’t you”. He sees the other Angels, all the pain he’s wrought.

And we never get to see the Leviathan arc properly because so much of that season he’s gone and under Naomi’s control. But, I imagine if there was footage, that’d be in here, too.

Yes, Castiel has done some horrible things before. And sometimes things roll off you and sometimes they don’t, and you can’t explain why. That’s this whole bloody affair.

And at the end of the whole flashback sequence—book ending with him beating the shit out of Dean—is Cain-marked Dean kicking his ass while he never fought back, merely tried to block the blows.

Cas ends up back watching television—giving him an unexpected break in the case. See, Mom? Binge-watching can be helpful!

“You are broken, Castiel. You were always a bit of a nancy, but this?”

I’m sorry. Did he just call Castiel gay!? I mean, I’m not a fan of derogatory words, but this is implying Cas has always been noticeably different.

“Look, Guys, I’m as glad as anyone that Stella got her groove back, but you let Metatron go?” “Dean, how many times are you gonna repeat that question?”

Enough for the audience to catch up, I suspect, and no more.

“He’s not a threat to us.”

Us. Castiel sees himself as part of the team, part of the family. Finally.

“She overpowered me. End of story.”

Except Castiel can detect lies. He knows there’s something Dean’s not telling him, and Sam can see from Cas’ reaction that something’s up.

S11E07 -

“This is everything Cas dug up in Gaza, every last bit of pre-Biblical lore.”

We remember you, buddy! Even if you aren’t with us.

S11E10 -

Dean’s a mess with the poisoning, so Castiel finds him blowing chunks on the side of the road.

“Dean. I came as soon as you called. Are you alright?” “Cas?” {spews} “You’re not alright.” “Obviously.”

Castiel appears to be going through something he saw on a medical drama. Because, we know he can detect things just from observation.

Okay, I’m sorry, Amara carved a message on Castiel’s chest so he just had to flash it at Dean? Okay, yeah, you talked big game about how insignificant Cas is, but your little puppet, Dean, has a mighty connection to this little Angel.

And now he can’t stop staring at the Angel’s nipples. So, yeah, not sure you knew what you were doing there, babe.

And what was that choice of Dean looking over at Cas very confused and unsure how to feel during Lucifer’s little dance party? It caught my eye, made me laugh, and made me wonder many things.

I mean, this episode is all over the place, but I’m not mad. Just confounded.

And… we begin the Casifer Arc.

S11E11 -

“Hello, Dean.” “Right, yeah.” … “I’m sorry.”

Starting small with classic Cas phrases. There you go, Casifer. Gotta ease into it a bit. And, damnit, this is that thing that is hard for me to do—watching something uncomfortable.

Like, to Dean it isn’t. He has no idea his buddy’s a vessel for hellfire and damnation. But, for me, I’m screaming at him going, “No! No! Don’t open up to fucking Lucifer!”

I’m as bad as my Uncle yelling at the Washington Commanders not to fumble the ball during a playoff. Yes, he’s a Commanders fan. No, there’s nothing I can do about it.

“I’ve had two shots at Amara. I struck out both times. … I don’t even know where to start.”

Yes, I’m cutting out the Casifer stuff because it’s not Cas.

But Dean thinks it’s Cas, so he unloads and shares everything. And it’s uncomfortable to me because Castiel is in there, somewhere, missing his human confiding in him.

Because Dean trusts Castiel in ways he doesn’t trust anyone else. He loves Cas in ways he doesn’t love anyone else. And if Lucifer was aware of their whole thing, oh, wow, is he hearing alarm bells about it, now.

He’s got Castiel’s vessel and memories and emotions and feelings swimming around in there. And he’s got Dean three inches from his face pouring his heart out in the dark.

And I’m not the first to make the following point, but it goes along with what I’ve always thought—Castiel accepts Dean as he comes. He would never judge him for whatever’s going on between him and Amara.

I mean, Dean beats the shit out of him, and Castiel does not judge. Dean murders a bunch of people, and while calling him on his shit, Castiel does not judge.

Dean. It’s not your Angel! Run!!

And when he puts the hand on the shoulder like that? It’s wrong. Something’s off. It’s not right. And some part of Dean knows it.

Okay. phew Made it through one Dean-doesn’t-know-it’s-Lucifer scene. But it wasn’t easy.

I don’t know why I’m this way. Truly! I don’t like to be uncomfortable. I can handle some gore and dark themes and murders and serial killers and so much more. But give me an uncomfortable scene and I’m still 12 years old looking between my fingers.

“Cas gone?” “Yeah, I guess so.” “What was he doing here, anyway?” “He was looking for lore on the darkness. Something a little off about him, too.”

Yes, Dean. Yes. You know your husband well enough by now to know when something’s wrong. He’s not your Angel!

If Sam hadn’t dismissed it so quickly, you might have followed it and figured it out earlier.

S11E12 -

“What about you, you hear from Cas?”

Nobody’s heard from Cas since the cage, my friends. You just don’t know it, yet.

S11E13 -

Dean, Dean, Dean. If you’re with someone with any skills, you don’t end up with hickey at age 40, just sayin’.

And I looked it up, and Dean was 37 in this season, roughly, but just sayin’. I stopped leaving marks like that in my teens, and the last time I saw a peer with one, he was 22 or so.

Dean, my man, find better lovers. cough Castiel cough

Also, glad he finally opened up to Sam about his Amara pull. At least he knows it’s not love. He might not know much about love, but that ain’t it.

S11E14 -

Oh, goodie, Rachel gets to be uncomfortable, again. Dean-o, can you just, I dunno, skip the “Maybe Cas isn’t as off as I think” phase, this time?

We did it when he was working with Crowley in Season 6. We did it when he came back in Season 7 and didn’t have all his faculties. We did it in Season 8 when he was being controlled by Naomi.

At some point you gotta trust your instincts and go, “that’s not my Angel!” C’mon!

But, more credit to Collins and those damn micro expressions. Even when Lucifer is trying to be comforting, or speak as he believes Cas would, there’s an edge to it.

Our Cas, when speaking lovingly, has a gentle quality, like he’s trying not to disturb someone who has a gun pointed at him with an itchy trigger finger. Casifer’s eyes are hardened, lacking in any softness.

Damn, man.

I mean, until Supernatural, the only thing I’d seen Collins in was an episode of Timeless where I was so impressed I immediately looked up his IMDB to see what else he might’ve been in.

When I saw Supernatural, I exclaimed, “Oh, it’s the Angel!” because though I didn’t really get into the show during its first run, I’m terminally online.

I mean, y’all—all two of you—are reading this on Tumblr, a site I’ve been on about 15 years. If we’re here, we’re all terminally online.

Something else that is fascinating about the cinematography here is the choice of who to feature in two-shots. We’re getting a lot less of Dean and Casifer, and that honestly helps make things feel… off.

Like, as a viewer I was watching and trying to figure out what felt wrong about the scene. And if it was purposeful, wow, it was beautifully done. I know that something’s wrong, here.

Oooh, and we’re at the iconic GIFs. The GIFs I saw before the episode of Collins switching on a dime from Casifer to Cas, and even without sound I knew to tell the two apart.

“I’ll just say, ’Dean’.” {pauses, holds up finger, lowers voice and turns on puppy dog eyes} “Dean.”

And the subtitles say “imitating Castiel’s gruff voice” and I have to say, I’ve never thought of it as “gruff”. Gravely, maybe, but not gruff. He’s too pookybear!

As Lucifer goes to kill Sam, Castiel steps in.

“Hello, Castiel.”

Damn, that Angel’s got some fight. Fight, baby, fight!!

“Sam, it’s me.” “Cas. Why?” “I wanted to be of service to the fight, and only Lucifer can beat her.” “You chose this? You have to fight, Cas. Eject him, now!” “I can’t. It’s taking all my strength to keep him from killing you. And besides, we need him.” “No, Cas, we don’t.”

I explained this show to my Eldest (twin) 10-year-old as, “A show where three man-shaped beings take turns being the one to do the stupid thing, not tell the others, and they spend the season trying to fix it before trading places.”

Funny enough, kid understood right away.

“We need him to save Dean.” “You can’t time travel.”

Duh! I have been screaming this at the screen since the beginning of the episode. Castiel lost a lot of stuff in the Fall. He still has his Grace, but not his wings. Not other things.

“Dean. That’s not Cas.”

Nope. But damn Collins is doing a masterful representation of Mark Pellegrino, here. I mean, the mannerisms, the expressions, the physicality—I don’t see a trace of Castiel in it.

And I don’t see someone doing an impersonation or something frivolous. No, this is an incredible ode to the other performer that you rarely see executed at such a precise level.

I’ve heard the same interviews we’ve all heard, where Collins asked Pellegrino for pointers and was told Lucifer always looked at people deciding whether to fuck them or kill them. It works.

Casifer’s a menace, but the Winchesters learned a thing or two from Castiel, including how to blast away an Angel. Fuck off, Casifer!

Oh, but look at Dean’s face. He’s gutted. Absolutely gutted. He lost Cas, again, and the mission was a bust. There’s no win, here. Just devastation.

“Cas.” “Yeah. Yeah, what do we do?” “What else? We hunt Lucifer, trap the bastard, and save Cas.” “Like I said, Lucifer may be in control, now, but Cas may not come back willingly. I mean, he chose it.” “No. No. Not possible.”

This whole scene kills me. Because Dean doesn’t think Cas would put himself in this position, that he would do something this monumentally unsound just to try to save them.

But he would, Dean. Again and again and again.

Dean looks off, away, thoughts reeling. He can’t wrap his mind around what happened, around the fact that everything he said to Cas since they got out of the cage was actually to Lucifer. And he’s so pissed at himself for not figuring it out.

Cas is his person. He is.

And Dean just lost him again. He can’t believe Cas would choose something like that again. Surely by now he knows how much he means to them? To Dean? Right!?

Like, Castiel can’t possibly see himself as disposable? As weak? As not enough?

But, he does. Castiel’s feelings of doubt and fear make him an easy target. He has no home, not really.

He wants to belong with the Winchesters, but too often feels more burden than help, especially after everything that happened with Rowena’s spell.

Dean has to wonder if he pushed Cas too fast to get back in the game, if there’s anything he could have done differently that would have kept him from making such a mad decision.

Castiel doesn’t know his worth. So much like Dean, in that. Neither knows how much they mean to the other. And now Dean is steadfastly avoiding a reality in his mind where he doesn’t get his Angel back.

S11E15 -

“He made a bad decision. We’ve been there.” “Yeah. You, me, now Cas.”

Honey, your boyfriend has made a lot more bad decisions than this one. But, yes, it is his turn this season to the be one without a braincell.

“Dean, we’ll get him back. We will. We just got to-” “Keep grinding. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard it gets, we gotta keep grinding.” “Right.” “And thats how we’re gonna win. And we’re gonna win. We’re gonna save Cas, we’re gonna ice the devil, and we’re gonna shank the Darkness. And anyone that gets in our way, well God help them.”

Priorities on display. But, also, I love the supportive brother-in-law.

Because Sam knows that Cas and Dean have something entirely different from what he and Cas have. He does love Cas as family. He trusts Cas.

But he can see that Dean and Cas are more. Even if Dean can’t see it, Sam does. He knows that Dean needs more reassurance about Cas than he does because that “profound bond” has always been there and always will be.

S11E17 -

“After everything we survived together, I watched the man I loved die. There’s no normal after that.”

Okay, is this a Sam/Dean thing or a Destiel thing? I don’t know, but Ackles’ performance here is crazy because he just disappears from the moment with her and he’s somewhere else entirely.

Yes, losing his brother is losing his world. But, she’s talking about a romantic relationship. So, that doesn’t quite play.

One of those things I wish I could ask someone about, because taking a stab at interpreting it feels too nebulous, even for me!

S11E18 -

“I will give you the horn if you help me exorcize Lucifer from Castiel’s vessel and then return him immediately to the cage.”

Fascinating fact—the subtitles use the English UK version of “exorcise” which made me pause, for a second, thinking I’d done something wrong. We’re good.

“After we exorcize Lucifer out of Cas and put him in a new vessel.” “What? Really?” “Yes, really.”

I love how Crowley just walks away from this situation. But, still interesting that Sam’s the one not seeing the idealistic view of this situation.

“We’re not gonna send Lucifer into battle inside Case. What if he doesn’t make it?” … “I’m guessing it can hold Lucifer." “It? It’s not an it, Sam, it’s Cas.” And Cas wanted to do this.” “Yeah, well there’s times I want to get slapped during sex by a girl wearing a Zoro mask. That don’t make it a good idea.” “Dean, this is exactly how we screw ourselves. We make the heart choice instead of the smart choice.”

Um… Sammy, are you trying not to say “love”? Because, it kinda feels like you’re trying really hard not to connect your brother and that word.

But that’s what this is—an act of Love. Castiel is trying to save those he loves doing what he thinks must be done. And Dean is trying to save Castiel before he loses him forever.

Yes, it’s the “heart choice” because Cas is Dean’s person.

Look, I don’t need to see them fuck or cuddle or even hold hands to know they’re an item. I remember the Aziracrow fandom going through it a few years back when Crowley (pronounced croh-lee) and Aziraphale finally locked lips.

Folks flocked to the inter webs protesting the show “making them gay”. Oh, honeys. The book was published in 1990 where not only were they referred to as “consenting”, a then-well-known slang for gay in the UK, but Aziraphale’s intro said people thought he was “gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide”.

And yet, the kiss was what made them “gay”.

The thing about queer love that I personally love is that its up to the people in it to decide what their relationship looks like. All you have to know is that it’s outside heteronormative rules, and there you go.

Some people like labels. Some don’t.

And whatever they are, Dean and Cas are each other’s person in this world, even if they’re not quite aware of it—Castiel because of his fear. Dean because of his baffling cluelessness.

“Oh, okay. Thank you, Dr Phil. Cas is family.” “Yes, and his choice deserves to be respected.” “Even if it kills him?”

And that’s the crux of it—Dean doesn’t want to lose Cas. Look, he’ll fight tooth and nail for his brother, and that’s understood. They’ve been codependent since childhood—especially Dean.

But Cas is something entirely different for Dean. He doesn’t have the words, yet, and maybe he never will. But it’s apparent to everyone involved that Dean’s more emotionally invested in Cas’ fate than the rest of them.

Crowley’s the one to go in to talk to Castiel.

“Wait, that was Dean I saw a minute ago, wasn’t it?” “Yes.” “And he wants me to expel Lucifer?” “Well, he may have a more objective view of the situation. Maybe I should.”

Cas is completely brainwashed and looks like one of those After School Specials that warned us about the perils of sitting too close to the television. I mean, there’s even bunny ears!

“Maybe Cas isn’t willing to play ball. I mean, you said it yourself—he wanted this. … Come on, Cas, what the hell?”

There’s no fight in there.

“Lucifer’s hold on him is too strong.”

Well, at least Crowley got to tell them that.

“Cas?”

It’s amazing how a single syllable—one word—can be so significant, yet so seemingly insignificant. Look how Amara reacts to Dean’s outburst—to the pleading in his eyes.

Because when Dean’s around her, he’s not always in control. But his love for Cas breaks through. It breaks through her usual allure, and she clocks that. Fast.

“Listen, um, I know I came down on the side of wanting Cas to deal with Amara, so…” “Well, thats what he wanted though, right? Besides, didn’t we say that we were gonna swear off getting in the way when one person makes a choice the other doesn’t agree with?” “Yeah. Um, yeah, we did say that.” “So…” “Okay, so that’s our policy.”

Dean’s masking. Because this still hurts like hell.

“Well, let’s go find that idiot and bring him home.”

Ah, there he is. There’s that optimism. I mean, yes, calling him names, but also determined to bring him home.

S11E19 -

“Dean, we'll find Cas, okay? He’s stronger than he looks.” “You know, we gambled with Cas and now Amara has him.” “For a reason. Which means he’s still alive.” … “The small fries, even an Angel like Cas, doesn’t even register. And if it meant hurting Lucifer, killing Cas would mean nothing to her.”

But it means everything to you, Dean. Because if you have Cas and Sam, you’re stable. You can keep going. But take either one of them away, and you’re a fucking wreck.

You may not fully realize why, yet, but you know you can’t lose Cas. Not again. Not now.

“So, we get back out there. We keep working. We keep moving. We’ll catch a break on Cas. We have to. It’s… it’s Karma.” “You know, Karma’s been kicking us in the teeth lately.”

Insane that Sam is the one trying to get Dean to stop reading books and get back to work. That’s how deep Dean’s love for Cas is.

A season earlier, it was everything Dean could do to keep moving. He was hurting bad with the Mark, but working was how he tried to cope.

With Cas in the wind, it’s not the same. It’s not an ache he can work through.

It’s a piercing, constant, targeted pain he can’t place and can’t ignore. Nothing soothes it, but trying to do something to help Cas makes it feel worth it. Worth the pain.

S11E20 -

“Whatever Amara’s doing to Lucifer.” “Yeah, beating on Cas in the meantime.”

Dean’s ready to take on Amara, but since he lost Cas, there’s always that “and”. He’s going to take down Amara and he’s going to save his Angel.

S11E21 -

In a move that is nothing short of insane someone wrote a storyline where Amara uses Castiel to connect with Dean. Like, I know I talk a lot about their cord of connection, but Amara is literally putting it in use!

I feel so justified in writing that all this time, now.

“Say nothing of the Vessel, your friend, Castiel.”

And the bitch shows him Castiel’s vessel, battered and broken. She’s using this to get her way. Nothing else has worked, right? So, try the Cas angle, I guess.

“We gotta find Lucifer before it’s too late.” “Too late?” … “She just showed up. But she’s showing me visions of Lucifer. And by Lucifer, I mean Cas, and he looks like crap. Like she’s really doing a number on him.”

Because that is what really concerns him. It’s not about Lucifer. It’s about stopping Amara and getting his friend back.

Why are these women so cringe, by the way? Amara’s come-ons to Dean are so gross, and I’m so glad he’s fighting back against her bullshit manipulation.

This isn’t love, Dean. If you don’t get to choose it, then it’s just not love. She’s a manipulative bitch with a tie to you because you unlocked a lock and now she thinks she has ownership of you. Fuck that.

“You’re right. I am drawn to you. And it bothers the hell out of me, cause I can’t control it.” “Then why fight it.”

Because that’s what “free will” is about, bitch. This entire show is about Dean Winchester and his little brother fighting against their destinies or whatever.

“Something stops you. Keeps you from having it all.”

Dean looks away. He’s fighting. And when she finds out Dean spoke with God—who sought him out—she reads it as betrayal. No, Darkness, that is not love. You can’t fathom love. You don’t understand free will.

Dean will never love you, much as you attempt to ensnare him.

S11E22 -

“Perhaps you’ll lend an ear to my very own Jiminy Cricket?”

And, of course, they can see the shift in Angels. And we see the shift in characters. Collins takes us from one to the other so damn beautifully.

Yes, I know this has zero to do with Destiel. But it’s beautiful and Ackles will get his due with the Michael arc, just wait!

“You know, every second that Ive spent subordinating myself to Lucifer, it’s been a torment. It’s destroying me. It’s burning through my vessel. But I would do it all over again because through me, he and God, they will defeat the Darkness. That’s my role in this fight. It’s God’s fight. You can play a part in that fight, too, if you join me.”

Cas was always good for a rousing speech. And, the reminder of the sacrifice—Jimmy Novak is a strong vessel, but every vessel is a temporary one when it comes to Lucifer.

“Oh, don’t worry. Your pet’s safety is my highest concern. Trust me, he’s onboard.”

Crowley’s face during this exchange is marvelous. He’s absolutely trying not to laugh aloud because everyone in this room is well aware of how Dean feels about Cas.

Now, some of them are saying it aloud, while others cough Sam cough are pretending not to notice. I mean, Sam seems like the kind of guy who wouldn’t out someone—even to themselves!

“First Cas is making Kamizaze side plans and now you?”

It’s never easy on Dean relying on the others, letting them do things their way. Doesn’t mean it’s gonna work out any better, but he is trying to let Sam take the lead, here.

S11E23 -

Dean puts a hand on Casifer’s shoulder to wake him. He starts to let it slide off, but when the being opens its eyes and looks upon Dean, it’s not Lucifer staring back out.

“Dean.” “Cas?”

Dean places the hand back on Cas’ shoulder, holding on this time.

“Hey, Is that you?!” “Lucifer is gone.”

Watch Dean here. Just… watch him. Take a moment away from worrying about waves hands the state of the bloody world and just watch the acting choice Ackles makes, here.

There’s such relief in knowing that Castiel is back that Lucifer is gone. In the midst of the horrors, there’s something to hold onto, again—Cas.

Because, when you’re in the thick of a shitty situation, where you can’t fix all the things in the world, you need little things—a favorite drink, a comfort television show, to hear the voice of someone you love.

Ackles puts such relief into that minute choice. His body shifts. His lips quirk into an almost-smile. You can feel a weight lifting off of him.

“Amara ripped him from my body.” “To where?”

There is no reason for that hand to still be on Cas’ shoulder Dean… we see you, Dean. And we love you for it.

“So that was a gun in your pocket.”

I’m sorry, but this is one time where Collins pulls focus. And it’s hilarious. I mean, he is out-of-focus and I’m still eating up his reaction to this because he isn’t looking at Rowena, he’s looking at Dean’s exasperated expression and wondering why he’s giving it.

Guess there’s still some slang and pop culture that’s out of Cas’ new understanding.

“Well, that was a complete and utter dog’s breakfast, wasn’t it?” “I didn’t know dogs had breakfast.” “Cas is back.”

Yeah, Dean. We noticed.

“Sometimes, me and Sam, we got so much going on that we forget about everyone else.”

Translation = I was taking you for granted… and I see that, now. And I don’t want you to feel that. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to treat you better and appreciate you while you are here.

“You’re the best friend we’ve ever had. You’re our brother, Cas. I want you to know that.” “Thank you.”

Bro-zoned by the love of your life. Ouch, Cas, ouch. We all felt that one. Like the collective groan throughout the world was probably so loud it caused a tremble in the Earth’s crust.

Dean nearly lost Cas, and now he’s contemplative, and he’s saying things he needs to say. He needs Cas to know they are family. He doesn’t have a better word than that.

He still can’t wrap his mind around what they are. The closest thing Dean can reach for is family. But he totally bro-zones poor Cas. And if Cas isn’t completely sure he’s in love with Dean by now, he’s at least aware of it. It’s somewhere in there.

I mean, look at Cas’ face after Dean bro-zones him. He loves this poor bastard, and all he got for it is an invitation to the Family Reunion instead of an invitation to the Honeymoon Suite.

And Dean does love Cas in ways he’s never loved anyone else. Even if he won’t say it. Even if he doesn’t fully comprehend it. It’s there.

The thing about Dean is that he appreciates Cas more every time he loses him—whether to death or possession, it doesn’t matter. Whenever he thinks Cas might be gone for good, he recognizes how his feelings have shifted from the last time he lost him. They get stronger every time as his attachment to Cas grows.

He’s always late to the party, playing catch up to Cas' white-hot glow of love that deepens over the years. But it’s there, people. It’s there.

As Dean readies for his imminent demise, Cas goes in for a hug as flowers fall off the tree around them, blown by the wind. That is likely completely accidental, but it lends a beautiful ambiance to the moment.

Dean hugs Cas back, and while he says, “Okay, alright” his face says something else. He starts to get emotional. I mean, he just got Cas back again and now he’s the one to say goodbye.

“I could go with you.” “No, no no. No, I gotta do this alone.”

To the death. Cas was willing to go with Dean to the death so he wouldn’t have to do it, alone.

“Listen, if, when, when this works, Sam, he’s gonna be a mess. So look out for him, okay. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.” “Of course.” {Dean places a hand on his shoulder, again,} "Thank you for everything.”

Yup. “Of course” is Castiel’s “As You Wish”, his “I love you” when he can’t yet say it.

And Dean is entrusting Cas with the person most important to him—his little brother. He has spent his entire life watching out for that kid, and if he’s going to trust anyone to look after Sam, it’s going to be Cas.

“No chick flick moments, come on.” “Yeah, you love chick flicks.” “Yeah, you’re right. I do. Come here.”

Another one of those moments where I cringe at Dean’s upbringing and his heteronormative programming. Let Dean watch When Harry Met Sally, you cowards. With his best Angel. It’d be fucking adorable.

“He did it.” “He bloody did it.” “And Dean?”

Of course, it’s Cas. Of course he’s the one to say it. Sam can’t bring himself to say it. If the sun’s back, Dean’s gone, right? Right.

Or so they think. Dun, dun, DUN!!!

S12E01 -

“He’s a friend. Hey, Cas.” “Dean!”

They embrace, and it should be noted Dean was ready for that hug as much as Cas. I mean, he moves into that hug, even if Cas is the more ferocious in wrapping his arms around his person.

And it takes 0.5 seconds for Mom to clock that this is so much more than a “friend”. Look at that head tilt!

It’s okay, Mommy Winchester. Your boy found a good life partner.

Dean might lightly protest, but he lingers in that hug. He gives Cas a second to process and them both a chance to celebrate surviving the end… again.

“Dean. You're alive!?”

They pull apart, but don’t give each other much space. We are long past Dean worrying about personal space with Cas.

“This is Castiel.”

Castiel’s side eye makes me laugh every time. My 7-year-old daughter made me replay it over and over, because she thought it was funny, too. Because Castiel isn’t used to Dean Winchester introducing him by his full name.

I mean, this fully gives off “Introducing the boyfriend/girlfriend/theyfriend to Mom.” And, bonus, this is Dean’s mom.

“That’s an Angel?”

Cas as the muscle of the operation is a nice reminder of how capable he is when he has all his Grace.

He’s a badass, Angel warrior. And much as he thought he was super weak and super dispensable in Season 11, after all of that, he’s got new strength.

At the little roadside stand looking fun, Mary is a bit overwhelmed. And Cas is trying to be comforting. He sees the struggle in Mary, her overwhelm.

Oh, and those two coffees Castiel was carrying? He gave one to Mary, but the other was for Dean. Another act of service from our little Angel.

Season 12 is one of my favorites in terms of forward progression of the Destiel relationship. Castiel does go off the rails a bit at the end, but that’s kinda expected by now. One of them is gonna do it every season.

S12E02 -

“I understand. I’ll call you in the morning.” “Cas, hey.”

Cas is about to hang up and let Dean get his four hours of sleep, but Dean is actively seeking advice from Cas about his mother.

And, like, Dean, honey. Your Angel never had a mother, let alone one who came back from the dead after missing your entire childhood.

Like, Amara tried to do a nice thing for Dean, but it kinda fucks up the world even more. Kinda the theme of the show, right?

But I do like that Dean is asking Cas for advice and opening up to him… even if it goes nowhere.

“Powerfully warded. Okay, see, buddy, that was your headline, right there.” “Are we still discussing the same thing?” “Where are you?”

Aww, he confused the little Angel. I know that’s kinda their thing, but Cas is improving at the investigative stuff, and I do like that he gets that arc.

I mean, when he solves that case in S15 and goes back to the Winchesters after he and Dean divorced, it feels like he realized how much he could learn, how much he could overcome, how he is still useful, Angel power or none.

Also, how ridiculous are Cas and Dean trying to hold Mama Winchester back? And Cas even knows how stupid his request is, but goes along with it because Dean asks.

And the fact that Dean asks with a look makes me warm and fuzzy inside. I’ve always been a fan of their ability to talk without talking. That started early in the relationship, and I’m always giddy when it makes an appearance.

“I powered down all the wardings in this shack so your attack dog could come in.”

Dean looks to Cas on this and Cas is already looking back at him. I do like Cas getting to be a bit of the muscle for a while, Angel powers and all. Might as well use them sometimes, loves!

S12E03 -

“Castiel. What are you doing up?” “Oh, I’m always up. Angels don’t need sleep.”

Dean really needs to talk to his mom more about his Situationship. I mean, she has a lot to learn about him, but I think she’s already getting a good idea of the guy.

“Castiel, after you left heaven, when did it start to feel like, like you fit, like you belonged here?” “Well I’m still not sure I do. … Mary. You do belong here.” “Goodnight, Castiel.”

Okay, she likes her boy’s situationship. Very much.

“If it is him, I will call you. In the meantime, I think you’re needed here.”

Look at Cas trying to get them to address the Mom issue. That’s growth for Cas understanding humanity! He clearly can see the troubles going on within Mary and he’s trying to help Dean—who sucks at emotions—work through it.

When it comes to bullets and bloodshed, Dean knows the only way is through. When it comes to emotions, he bottles up, buttons down, and disappears into his head.

S12E04 -

“Bad news?” “Cas is chumming it up with Crowley. They’re hunting Lucifer together. That’s right. One’s an angel. One’s a demon, and apparently they solve crimes.”

Welp, at least he told you this time, right?! Seriously, Season 12 Dean and Cas are communicating, and I kinda love it.

S12E05 -

“Nazis. I hate these guys.”

I pumped my fists in the air at this line, y’all. It doesn’t have jack shit to do with Destiel, but I knew the moment I heard it I had to mention it. Fuck, yeah!

S12E06 -

“Are you a romcom chick?” “Are you?”

Hey, Sammy said he was! You can be more than one kind of person, Dean-o. You have such a binary, boxed-in way of looking at the world that you can’t even see it!

S12E07 -

“You consider switching up your duds here? Bit stiff for this town.” “He could be an agent or something.” “Yeah, maybe a third tier agent.” “At least I don’t look like a lumberjack.”

Ah, yes, the bitchy bickering of totally straight people.

I mean, Dean’s reaction is hilarious. Ackles is always good when it comes to a good reaction shot, but the ones where he and Collins are feeding off of one another particularly land.

In this case, Collins is the straight man and Ackles brings that laugh home. It’s a lovely rhythm, and I like when the Writers take advantage of it this way.

“Well, the only way you clear that crowd without drawing fire is if he’s otherwise engaged.” “Engaged in what, Cas? Killing you?” “Cas, you’ll last three minutes. Tops.” “Then I’ll buy you three minutes.” “Make it four. What? I help.”

Not much of a goodbye here, right? I guess Dean must’ve thought they were all going to be just fine, or he felt he and Cas were cool enough that if they went out this way, so be it.

Because, let’s be real, if Cas bit the dust, here, he’d be a mess.

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand. I was inside you. I know what a weak, duty-bound, pleasureless dullard you are.”

Hey, fuck you, buddy! It’s a running theme that the one thing all Angels can agree on is putting Castiel down. Any of y’all notice? All of them try to tell him how weak he is and dull he is.

Maybe they’re just jealous God keeps bringing Cas back and leaving the rest of them drooling on the floor of the Empty. I dunno.

“How you feeling?” “I’m not dead.”

Oh, Cas. Never change.

“Vince Vincente is dead.” “We never even hoped to save him.”

Wow, these two are in reversal from last season. When Casifer was roaming the Earth, it was Dean’s hope to vacate Lucifer before he faced Amara—to protect Cas. He was intent on saving Castiel.

This time, he’s on the “Yeah, we didn’t have a hope” side of the argument. Because that was Cas and he couldn’t risk losing him.

And, Dean, my dear, any clue why that might be? Nope. Not yet. Maybe after Cas dies a couple more times…

S12E8 -

Cas drops the coffee cups—the cups he grabbed for Dean and Sam. Another little act of service.

The boys rush in, and Dean is the first to reach Cas, grabbing onto his arm and back. Dean releases the hand on the arm, but keeps the one on his back, even as Cas tells them what’s going on. Dean doesn’t pull his arm away until Cas straightens.

“Alright. Stay here. We got this.”

Dean tries to get Cas to stay in the car, but as soon as he sees something’s going down, he’s on his feet and ready to fight.

“Cas, don’t.”

Cas is ready to take on the world for Dean Winchester. But, he stands down for the very same reason. There were times Dean begged him to stop, he didn’t, and the world and Heaven suffered.

So, while he’ll fight back when he thinks Dean’s being a dick, this time, he listens.

Oh! And love the detail that when everyone else ducks for cover, Cas just sorta stands there and goes, “huh”.

Also, the dude from Dear Santa!? I always thought he was a talented lad. Good for him landing a recurring role on a killer show!

“Who are you people?” “Well, dear. I’m a witch. He’s an Angel.” “And I’m the King of Hell.” “Oh, God.” “No, actually, he left.”

This little sequence of dialogue is amazing. It’s perfectly delivered, shot, edited, and still makes me giggle when I watch it, even though I’ve watched it a million times and committed it to memory.

Also, I love how Cas and Dean work wordlessly together, here. Cas gets the Bible and Dean sees where this is going, so he’s ready with the bin and the water. They’re really working well without words this season.

Oh, how far they’ve come!

S12E09 -

“You left them.” “Dean told me to go…”

I had to delete what I originally wrote because I realized I might have been channeling some of my own abandonment issues a bit too aggressively the first time around.

Let’s just say Mother Mary attacking Cas when she’s the one who left her kids because she missed the babies they once were didn’t sit well with me.

“If they needed help, why didn’t they call me?” “You were out.”

This.

“How do we let this happen, Castiel?”

We!? I’m sorry, we!? Castiel has been there with your boys, helping them. Working with them. Trying to work through all the shit the Universe throws at them. While she was off doing her own thing.

You are not in the same league, lady. So, stop taking your frustration at yourself and your own damn issues extend to Cas.

“I just wanted to say… I’m sorry.”

It’s a start. But you’re still on my shit list.

“They’ve only been gone-” “Six weeks, two days, and ten hours.”

See? Castiel knows it to the minute and you’re over here berating him when he’s been trying to find them, aching without Dean and worried for Sam.

Maybe it’s the first time she realizes just how much Cas cares because you can see the look in her eyes as this hits her.

“We’ll find them, Castiel. We will.”

Ah, yes, last season it was Sam comforting Dean about Cas. Now, it’s Mary comforting Cas about Dean.

And we’re supposed to ignore the parallels and pretend Destiel is a part of our imaginations. Yeah, right!

And then Castiel talks about the case he tried to work solo, the case he couldn’t solve, and how he ended up running away because he thought he wasn’t good enough to take care of it. Even when Mary offers to help, he answers, resigned:

“I’d only get in your way.”

He’s trying to “carry on” (thank you Kansas) for the boys. To do what they do. But he’s not quite there, yet, and it’s only making him feel worse.

“Cas.” “Dean?” “Hey, buddy, long time.” “What- what happened? Where are you?”

Look at the little Angel’s face. He’s so relieved to hear the voice of his love, again.

“Hey, buddy.”

Hugging is so natural by this point. But the way the camera hangs on Cas as he watches the Winchesters—mom and sons—reunite is telling.

He’s still on the outside here a bit, isn’t he? Much as he loves them. Much as he wants to protect them. He knows he’s not one of them.

“Cas, what have you done?”

Like any of y’all was gonna let one of the others take the fall. You’re Winchesters. You’re the “never give up” humans who keep Chuck entertained and baffle the rest of the supernatural world.

“You know this world, this sad, doomed little world, it needs you. It needs every last Winchester it can get and I will not let you die. I won’t let any of you die. And I won’t let you sacrifice themselves. You mean to much to me. To everything.”

Yup. This is the episode for Mary to realize just how much Castiel means to them. How much they mean to him. He’s an Angel who defied Heaven, who fell, who chose the Winchesters again and again and again.

But Mary knows nothing of that. She hasn’t witnessed it and she didn’t stick around long enough for her kid to learn it.

This episode shows her the bond her boys have with their feathered friend.

“Yeah, you made a deal. You made a stupid deal and I broke it. You’re welcome.”

The Winchesters are too damned shocked to berate him. Yes, Castiel has done some crazy, unhinged things for them in the past. But this is probably the craziest, at least to Dean and Sam.

As far as Mama Mary knows, this is an average Thursday.

S12E10 -

“You talk to Cas, yet?” “No.” “So, you’re just gonna keep walking past each other in the kitchen not saying a word?” “Maybe.”

Oh my gosh, these two are so married. And because make-up sex isn’t on the table at this point, they’re going to have to take the long way around to talking to one another, again.

“I’m not pissed that he… cares about us. You know. I’m grateful.”

Can’t say that Cas loves you, can you? I mean it. “Love” is a big and nebulous thing for Dean, no matter what shape or size it comes in.

If you’re not friend, family, or fuck-buddy, he doesn’t know what the hell to do with ya.

“My point is, Cas thought he was doing the right thing.” “I was doing the right thing.” “You sure about that?” “Yes.” “Well, I’m not so sure.” “And when the other shoe drops?” “I’ll deal with it.”

Seriously, they are so married and Sam’s trying to play intermediary to get his brother and brother-in-law to stop fighting.

Also, we’ve talked before about how Dean doesn’t mind being the one to die. He’d much rather it be him than anyone else he loves. And when those Cosmic Consequences drop, he doesn’t know which one of ’em it’ll drop on.

He has zero control, and he hates that position.

But soon enough, Cas’ll find the positions he likes.

I’m sorry! I’m so sorry. It just popped in my head, and then it tapped itself into the laptop and now it’s there. So, I can’t delete it on principle.

“Got a lead on Kelly?” “No, this is personal.” “Meaning what?”

I love that Dean wants to know. Like, he’s still fully invested in Cas even if he’s angry at him.

Wanna punch my boyfriend but pooky’s going out and not telling me why and I don’t like that, either.

Yeah, these two are totally married in S12.

“We’ll come with you.” “Both of you?” “Sure. Yeah, we could help. Gotta make sure you don’t do anything else stupid.”

Cas rolls his eyes, but Sam’s reaction makes me laugh the hardest. It’s like, “You were so close to getting through that without insulting your spouse, again”.

It’s Dean, Sam. Part of working relationships is working on them, communicating, sharing feelings and emotions.

He’s a walking advertisement for therapy and early intervention. You aren’t going to change that with a withering stare.

They ride in silence, which is weirding Sam out because the tension is thick. He tries the radio, but Dean doesn’t want it. He’d rather stew. And Cas stews with him.

Because this plays into one of the funniest and most consistent push/pulls between these two—Dean’s determination to sacrifice himself and Cas’ mission to protect him. And, yes, we know this goes both ways.

Kinda like Dean, am I right!?

ahem

“Alright, guys, you know what? This silent treatment thing, it’s silly. Its not gonna work. Whatever we’re walking into, we should, you know, probably have an actual plan.” “What do you want to know? “Oh, he speaks.” “Enough.”

This is so the couple in your life are arguing and you’re trying to get them to calm the fuck down. Also, Cas’ little glare at the back of Dean’s head is not helping the implied domestic squabble vibe of this scene. Just sayin’.

“Wow. This Benjamin seems like he’s pretty cool. Like he wouldn’t make any half-cocked, knee-jerk choices.” “Yeah, you know what I like about him is that he is sarcastic, but he’s thoughtful and appreciative, too.” “Now, what is that supposed to mean?”

Oh. My. Gosh. These two are totally married.

Dean has actually turned around in his seat to face Cas, completely ignoring the road. And neither of them is backing down. Poor Sam has to be the voice of reason.

And the camera swoop!? Normally we get the camera swoop between these two when Cas appears behind him or when Cas is there as backup. It’s often something that brings us comfort because of its familiarity.

This time, we’re breaking the convention because these two are in each other’s faces even if one’s in the backseat. They’re still connected by that blasted cord, even though right now they’d rather be annoyed with one another.

This isn’t brotherly, y’all. We have Sam and Dean to give us plenty of reference points for how Dean argues with a brother. This is something else and Dean doesn’t even see it.

They even added a horn sound to show that Dean’s driving is making others nervous outside the car. Bro, stop focusing on your argument with an Angel and keep your eyes on the road.

“She’s… his… friend.”

Sam, this is a wild choice. Like, “Lover” or something else more affectionate is right there, and if any Winchester would reach for it, it would be you. But you went with “Friend” which is technically what both of you call the Angel.

“Ishim said to come alone. He doesn’t like humans. If I plan to do anything else stupid, I’ll let you know.”

This is so bitchy. I love it. More, please.

Cas is looking past Dean so Dean knows without the shady of a doubt that this is for him. It’s catty and it’s direct, and I freakin’ love it. Dean needs a bit of this, sometimes.

“So, is he a hero? Is he a spanner in the works? I don’t know.”

Alright, you can fuck right off, Ishim.

“And you’re gonna storm in riiiiiiiiiight now.”

Dean is pacing outside the restaurant. He doesn’t like this one bit.

“Hey.” {Dean offers a bit of a shit-eating grin} “Dean.” “Feel a little left out over there.”

Cas doesn’t say anything to Sam, because he knows this isn’t Sam’s idea. Sam’s just along for the ride, on this one, as Dean determinedly tries to smash them all into a single booth, practically sitting in Castiel’s lap.

And before Dean’s even sat down, Ishim clocked it. Because Dean is zeroed in on Cas, and Castiel only chides Dean.

No doubt, since they know who the Winchesters are, they’ve heard legend of Destiel. I mean, almost every demonic or celestial being they come into contact with has some understanding of what’s going on, here, even if it’s not the complete picture.

“These are my friends. My friends who don’t listen very well.”

Dean almost looks proud with that little smirk and glance over. Jackass.

“You know, when I knew Castiel, he was a soldier. He was a warrior. He was an Angel’s Angel. Now, look how far he’s fallen.” “How about a little coffee with that sugar?”

Ishim’s been talking shit to Cas the whole time, but Dean doesn’t know that. All he knows is that he rolls up in here to see what’s going down and finds some dick Angel talking down to his Angel. It pisses him off.

And Ishim’s making mental note of it. He’s building the narrative in his head.

He sees in Cas and Dean him and Lily Sunder, for better or worse. But, he sees it—Castiel’s human weakness isn’t humanity. It’s Dean.

Only difference is that in this case, it’s love rather than obsession on Castiel’s part, and—though he won’t realize it until way too late—Dean has loved Cas for years.

No, I’m not going to get into what kind of love right now because it doesn’t matter. But Dean Winchester loves Cas in a way he loves nobody else. That’s just a fact.

And Ishim sees he’s pushed the right button. He glances from Dean to Cas and starts in on another round of insults.

“No wings. No home. Just a ratty old coat and a pair of poorly trained monkeys.” “Oh, well, you can go to Hell.” {Ishim smiles}

Ishim is poking at the pain points. He has his suspicions, but he wants confirmation. And he likes being a dick.

Dean glares at this fucker the whole time (until he mentions pie). Anything he was feeling toward Cas on the way here is melting away because Defender Dean is activated.

“Why do you let him talk to you like that? … I get that we need Super Dick there, but, I mean, come on.” “The Angels that I served with are being killed, so I will put up with Ishim, I will put up with everything else, and so will you. I have to go.”

This is so couple-coded. Like, “Honey, yes that asshole at the company Christmas party was sexist, but I need to make partner before I take him to HR”.

“You don’t owe them an explanation.” “Okay, hang on now. Uh, one eyed willy back there wasn’t trying to kill us. She was after you, so talk before she kicks in the damn door.”

It’s that “Choose Castiel, them or us” and it’s always really Dean. It’s about Dean. And Castiel will always choose Dean.

“They won’t understand.” “Cas, what’s going on?”

They even did the camera swoop from Ishim to Dean. It’s always going to be Dean. Give it a rest, Ishim.

“We’ll find her. Me and Sam.” “No, Dean.” “Cas, she doesn’t care about us, okay?”

Everything else from earlier has melted away. No, it’s not forgotten, but as long as there’s some magic-wielding, badass bitch with a blade gunning for his Angel, Dean’s going to put that shit to the side and charge into battle.

Or… a plea for mercy, as the case may be.

“Are you saying that those angels deserved to die? You think I deserve to die?” “No. No. That’s not what he’s saying.” “What is he saying?”

Have you ever had to be the translator for someone you love? Because while Sam cares about Cas, Dean knows him better than anyone. Anyone.

And so Dean sees Cas’ confusion and tries to help clarify, to calm him, to help him understand.

“We have to try.” “That’s right. And we’re not askin’.”

I mean, since you were roped into this, you’ve inserted yourself (I’m restraining here, friends, but it is not easy) everywhere Cas didn’t want you.

Damnit. It still came out wrong.

But, yeah, I’m not surprised that Dean “ask questions later” Winchester is going to help Cas whether he wants it or not.

Side Note: Hey, I found his middle name, at last!

“They’re a danger to us, case in point.” “Well my friendship with Sam and Dean has made me stronger.” “You can’t really believe that.”

Yes, he can, dipshit. Love and friendship and community always make us stronger. And that kind of strength isn’t something a bullish bastard with bad manners like you could ever understand.

“See, Cas is our family. So we can’t let you hurt him.”

Dean comes for Cas and immediately notes how worn and tired he is. He sits down on the couch next to Cas, but his positioning is already protective. He has a hand on the couch near Cas’s shoulder, and his positioning shields Cas.

“I think Ishim… I think he’s playing you.”

This is language Dean won’t use lightly. They used it before with the Angel who possessed Sam and Metatron fooling Cas. When they get played, it goes bad.

Dean helps Castiel to stand. Cas doesn’t have to ask. Dean’s there for him without him needing to ask when they’re actually on the same page.

“Who are you gonna believe? Your brother? Or some filthy ape who’s always talking down to you. Always mocking you?”

No, that would be you, feathers-for-brains.

“You know, Cas and I might not agree all the time, but at least he knows who his real friends are.”

I find the continued use of the two-shot of Cas and Dean here fascinating.

We’re racking focus between them based on what the coverage needs, but it lends a very “us vs you” quality to the scene, very clearly delineating that there’s no conflict for Cas—he didn’t need to be asked to choose this time.

It’s always going to be Dean.

“Who is he to question my choices? Who is he to question yours?” “Well, it seems that some of my choices may need to be questioned.

Growth. Because back in Season 6, Castiel was so convinced he was doing the right thing that even when Dean begged him to see otherwise, he couldn’t. Now, we see it’s an Angel problem.

And it’s another way where Castiel has stepped closer to Humanity. Not just in keeping company with the Winchesters, but in the way he thinks and the way he lives.

Castiel is presently neither Human or entirely Angel, but his own blend of two opposing forces made one through chemistry and devotion.

In short: Love changes us.

Not just romantic love, to be clear. All love changes us.

I still remember my first grade teacher. We recently reconnected on Facebook 34 years later (ugh, I’m old). I used to stay the night at her house and she taught me to make clay beads, paper mache face masks, to garden, to look at the stars and moon through a telescope, to hike in the woods.

I’ve thought back on those days over and over during the years when thinking of how to raise my own children—of what I wanted them to experience differently from how I grew up.

I had one beautiful year knowing that woman, and her love helped shape how I love my children all these years later.

Never discount the power of love.

“I used to envy you, Castiel. You believe that? You survived Hell. You were chosen by God. But now look at you. You’re just sad and pathetically weak.” “So, now, I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own—by cutting it out.”

Yup. Ishim thinks Cas loves Dean. I mean, we knew this. But if Dean’s listening in any manner to this conversation while he’s making that sigil on the wall, he knows it, too.

Dean’s ready with the sigil, and it gives the schmuck pause. But, he points out very quickly that poor Castiel is injured, and Dean might want to think twice about that particular move.

Ishim is a technician at isolating weakness. He’s now using Dean’s against him.

“You held him for long enough.”

This isn’t remotely a Destiel moment, but it’s one of my favorites of the episode. Lily thinks Ishim is going to finish her off, but the injured Castiel is able to stand long enough to kill a fellow Angel right in front of her.

She knows they were in the same group of Angels—that Castiel was part of the team that killed her daughter. But here he is, taking out the Angel trying to kill her.

There’s such awe in her eyes, as she sees that everything Dean and Sam said about Castiel is true. He doesn’t feel like other Angels. What he and the Winchesters has is real.

He falls to his knees as she still watches him, struggling to wrestle with her desire for revenge and adjusting to what she just witnessed.

These humans were willing to attack Ishim to protect her and Castiel. And then Castiel was willing to kill one of his own because he knew it was the right thing in the moment.

It’s hard when something rocks your reality. Dean will experience that in S15E18. But that’s a story for another time.

“He’s dead. Are you done?” “Revenge is all I’ve had for over 100 years. It’s all I am.” “Wrong answer. You’re done.”

OOoh, the parallels!! The parallels! Who else do we know who thinks that all they are is something dark and twisted?

“Dean.”

Dean says nothing, but acknowledges Cas. He doesn’t see the side-eye Cas casts him, but Lily does. She looks back to Cas.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. And while its true that I didn’t know we were killing an innocent, ignorance is no excuse. I truly can’t imagine the depths of your loss.”

Castiel stands and walks within arm’s distance. He’s giving her plenty of space to stab him dead, right there.

It’s an important gesture—he’s offering himself up to pay for what he did. Yes, he didn’t know… but he still did the wrong thing. And he’s willing to pay the price.

“This was your child. I can’t imagine the pain. So if you leave here and you find that you can’t forgive me, I’ll be waiting. “Thank you.”

Lily has tears rolling down her cheeks. She said that every time she uses the Enochian magic, she burns more of her soul away. And right here, with his words, Castiel saves what’s left of this woman’s soul.

Because in him she sees what she’s never seen in an Angel before—remorse. Penance. The understanding that he was wrong and that being an Angel doesn’t absolve him from guilt or consequences.

And I’m thinking of S15E18—another time when Cas’ words heal what is broken. Yes, he’s a soldier. A warrior of God.

But the very things that make him different, the things that other Angels see as cracks and weaknesses—the things that make him more human—are the things that connect with us.

Love is what Ishim viewed as weakness. But love is what allowed Castiel to connect with Lily here, at the end. Love is what binds him to the Winchesters. And love will someday heal a profound brokenness in Dean.

At the start of this episode, Dean was annoyed with Cas—that his “caring” about them was going to get them in trouble. But, now they’ve gone through this whole episode where his ability to care is what saved the day.

Seriously, this is one of my favorite episodes not just because I’m a Destiel girly, but because of the way the themes, the characters, and their journeys are so effortlessly woven together.

“You earned it.” “This will do very little for me, but I appreciate the gesture.”

Dean pats his shoulder affectionately.

“What Ishim said, you’re not weak, Cas. You know that, right?” “I mean, obviously, you’ve changed, but it’s all been for the better, man.” “And you have been with us every step of this long, crazy thrill ride. And no matter how crazy it got, you never backed down.”

This reads as a lover checking in—making sure that his Angel knows how much he valued and doesn’t take the words of some asshole to heart.

“Cas, I don’t like how the whole Billie thing went down, okay? I know you thought you were doing the right thing. And I’m not mad. I’m worried. Because things like “cosmic consequences” have a habit of biting us in the ass.” “I know they do. But I don’t regret what I did, even if it costs me my life.”

They’re finally having a mature conversation about this. Because, let’s be honest, neither of them knows how to do this whatever it is.

Dean’s had some semi-long-term relationship stuff, yes. But not with someone who’s a part of their world and knows everything, I mean everything he’s done, good and bad. And Castiel’s an Angel shoe allegiances and alliances have determined whatever relationships he had.

Their relationship is something else that remains unnamed, to me. Like, I might comment on which labels seem to apply at a given moment in the story, but ultimately, I like that their relationship is theirs.

The Winchester parents were paired up by Cupid. God had a hand in ensuring their relationship. Destiel is the polar opposite of that—God didn’t see this one coming. And, frankly, I think it pisses him off.

From the moment he told Cas, “You’re not in this story” and Castiel said they were “Making it up as we go”, we knew that Dean and Cas are different. (Yes, Sam, too, but that’s not part of this particular point)

Castiel is a spanner in the works. And the Winchester boys are the most defiant of any universe—the ones who assert their free will time and time, again, despite Chuck’s best efforts.

Destiel doesn’t need labels to exist. Castiel loves Dean. Yes, we know it blossoms to a romantic love. And Dean loves Cas in a way he’s never loved another being. It just is.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself…

“So, what are you gonna do if you find Kelly and, uh, Lucifer Jr?” … “But, Cas, at the end of the day it’s a mom and her kid. I mean, do you think you’ll be able to…” “There’s a time when I wouldn’t have hesitated. But now, I don’t know.”

It’s not a great answer, but it’s an honest one. My Dad likes to say, “My favorite answer is ’I don’t know’ because then you can learn something new. You can figure it out, research, seek knowledge. It’s a perfectly valid answer".

“So, what are we gonna do?”

We. Us. Maybe everything isn’t forgiven, but they aren’t going to pass wordlessly in the halls, anymore. They’re aligned, again.

Everything in this episode showed that no matter how pissed they get at one another, Dean and Cas find their way back. They always find their way back.

S12E11 -

“Look, we can figure this out, alright? Don’t go calling Mom or Cas with this.”

Dean knows precisely who Sam would have on speed dial when something goes sideways. The Mom and the Boyfriend.

Like, seriously, Dean’s emergency contact list is short, but it’s intimate.

“And, our best friend’s an Angel!”

Really? A handprint is what reminded you of that!? And seeing it’s a bloody handprint makes me all the more heartbroken thinking about S15E18. Ugh, now I’m sad, again.

“My name is Dean Winchester. Sam is my brother. Uh, Mary Winchester is my mom. And Cast- Cas is my best friend.”

These are the things he’s holding onto tightest—the people who matter most to him in the world. Sam. Mom. Cas. He’s trying so hard to hold on.

And, as someone whose Mother-in-Law is suffering from dementia and getting worse and worse, this was a hard episode to watch. Because while Dean got happy without the burdens, my MIL is angrier and harsher, and I’m the one who she’s cast as the villain.

It’s not uncommon with dementia patients, and it’s not my first time with a family member to go through this. But for my husband, it’s devastating. I might tell him to skip this episode when he starts watching the show, again.

Oh! Matt watched the first three seasons back in the day during the first-run. I caught some over his shoulder, then, but it didn’t really stick. Since I’ve been talking his ear off, he’s considering diving back in. I think he’d enjoy it!

S12E12 -

“And how ’bout you, handsome?”

The Winchesters are a little taken aback. But, c’mon, y’all, the blue eyes? The disheveled adorableness? There are women who would kill for a night with that.

And as I write it, I’m suddenly hoping all these boys have good security systems in their homes in real life. Because, yeah, stalkers are a real thing and after watching my mom go through it, I can say yikes.

Admire from afar, my friends. Admire from afar.

And Castiel orders something, even though he doesn’t eat. More than likely, one of the others is going to take the food from him to polish off after eating theirs.

“Oh, dude, she is into you.” “Dean.” “No, this is good. We’ve been looking for teachable moments.”

Bro, last time you thought a chick was into him he ended up babysitting. You might not be the best at guiding Cas through the dating world.

Plus, Mom’s trying to subtly get you to stop because she long ago clocked the Angel’s puppy dog eyes for you.

Also, this table conversation is mad reminding me of my favorite family dinner scene in the history of cinema—from While You Were Sleeping. Like, this feels so real and lived-in and earned.

It’s delightful, and I don’t know if it’s writing or directing or both that’s responsible, but I adore it.

“You look like hammered crap.” “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

Dean’s trying to keep it light, because that’s how he gets through all the shit of life. But as soon as he glimpses Cas’ stomach, he sees how bad it is. The Angel isn’t healing, and it’s only getting worse.

“Dean, something’s wrong. I can’t heal myself. I think the, I think the demon’s spear was poisoned. I don’t- I think I’m dying.”

Cue Ackles on that damn lip quiver. Seriously, man, are you trying to kill us? It’s sad enough the Angel’s dying and you need to add to the body count?

Try as he might to stay strong for Cas, he can see how bad it is, and calls Sam over.

“If you’re an Angel, you just rot away. Sorry, Castiel.” “No, no. There’s a cure. There’s always a cure, and we will find it.”

Damn your eternal optimism, Dean.

“Hey, I was growing fond of the choir boy, too.” “Shut up, shut up.”

Dean isn’t ready to say goodbye to Cas. No way. No how.

“Cas, how bad is it?” {Cas shows his chest, covered in lines} “Crowley’s right. You should go.” “Cas, come on.” “No, you listen to me. You, thank you. Thank you. Knowing you, it, it’s been the best part of my life.”

Cas is casting his eyes around to everyone. This isn’t the intimate goodbye of S15E18. He isn’t trying to single out Dean, even though it’s there. He’s saying goodbye to his family.

“The things we’ve shared together, they have changed me.”

He’s looking at Dean for this one, and the editing choices confirm it—this is for Dean. “You changed me, Dean”.

Mary looks from Cas to Dean to see her boy’s reaction, and she sees him absorbing the words, trying not to feel the pain as Castiel struggles to breathe.

“You’re my family. I love you.”

Cas looks away on that last bit. He looks away, but the camera shows us Dean in this moment. Two episodes earlier, he said that Cas “cared” about them, but maybe Dean didn’t realize how much.

Maybe he didn’t realize the kind of love an Angel was capable of—but Castiel isn’t any old Angel.

“I love all of you.”

Cas looks to Sam first, but then to Dean. And the reverse shot here is Dean, looking down at a dying Cas, lip quivering. We’ll finally see Sam, again, after we see Dean. Moose is sad to lose the Angel, too.

But Sam will always know how much harder it hits Dean. Every time.

And all of these cuts between Cas and Dean are intentional, as are the shots of Mary looking from her son to this Angel, who means so much to him, who her actions injured.

Editing is an art. It’s a skill. There’s a reason there are awards for it because it’s storytelling.

Some folks think all the storytelling happens on the page or on the screen or both. And much as I love writers and wholeheartedly believe they still don’t get their due, everyone involved in a production is some sort of storyteller.

Lights tell a story. Where they are. Where they aren’t.

Costuming tells a story. What a character wears. Their state of mind. Their motivations and needs.

Set dressing tells a story. What matters to these characters and what doesn’t? What do they preserve and what do they let go?

So when I say Editing tells a story, you better believe I mean in. How a scene is cut together matters. Now, yes, the shots themselves and coverage are determined way ahead of time.

There may be storyboarding, discussions with the Director of Photography and working with the Director of a given episode to achieve their vision. Not to mention adjustments made on-the-fly once you’re actually setting up the scene.

But the Editors have a hand in this story, too. Some Directors lean over their Editors a lot, and some don’t. No clue which is the case in this episode. But if you look at all these shots during Castiel’s death speech, how they’re edited together says the things unsaid.

This is the “subtext” Destiel shippers caught onto long, long ago. So much of their story is told simply in how the scenes are lovingly stitched together.

We aren’t trying to read into something that isn’t there. We’re simply following the breadcrumbs to what appears to be a logical conclusion.

From Cas to Dean. Mary looking from Cas to Dean, not to Sam. Dean to Cas.

Yes, there are shots of Sam in there, but the shots that correspond with the dialogue are leading us somewhere. We’re simply following the breadcrumbs.

“Just please, please don’t make my last moments be spent watching you die. Just run. Save yourselves. And I will hold Ramiel off as long as I can.”

Oh, Cas. “I’ll hold them all off” with the archangels. “Run” with the Leviathans. Asking Dean to leave him alone as soon as he found the Angel in Purgatory. Even as he’s dying, he wants to save them.

Again, and again, and again. Protecting the Winchesters is his greatest mission.

“Cas, no.” “Yes. You need to keep fighting.” “We are fighting. We’re fighting for you, Cas.”

Aw, Sammy. Not gonna let your brother’s boyfriend die. Love the support!

“And like you said, you’re family. And we don’t leave family behind.”

To me, this is the moment Mary fully registers what Castiel means to her boy, even if Dean doesn’t see it himself, yet. Cas is next to her, trying not to cry.

Because this is love. Is it the romantic love he believes he’ll never receive from Dean? No. But there are many kinds of love, and Cas doesn’t need reciprocal love to love Dean. He simply… loves him.

But that “for love” Castiel talks about in S15E18? This is one of those times the Angel gets to witness Dean’s “for love” being “for Cas”. And that’s damn powerful.

Castiel starts to cry. Not the tears of agony or heartbreak, but of love. There have been many times when Dean’s love has shone through, that Cas has witnessed.

But I don’t think he’s ever felt it as acutely as he did here.

Look how Cas is locked on Dean in that moment. Remember, he’s an Angel. And he can see into Dean. This is a “heart choice” and it’s for Cas.

Once healed, the Winchester boys help Cas up, but once he’s on his feet, Cas only has eyes for Dean. And Dean looks back like he can’t believe it. While Sam releases Cas’ hand fairly quickly, Dean and Cas linger on one another’s as Dean pats Cas’ back.

Mary is about to fess up when Castiel asks what Ramiel meant about someone stealing from him, but Dean’s just happy to have Cas back, and his gaze and voice are so soft.

Mary clamps down—but not before she notices the intense staring going on between these two. She realizes what she almost did, what she almost took from her son. Indirectly, yes, but that was too damn high a price.

“Let’s go home.”

Home. Home is sometimes a place. Sometimes a person. But always a feeling.

“I almost lost one of my boys.”

This woman loves her son-in-law. Like, from moment one, she clocked something going on between Cas and Dean, and in only her second episode, Castiel was the one trying to offer her comfort, to tell her she belonged.

Cas and Dean have their falling outs, yes, but they find their way back. And this time, it was her actions and her secrets that nearly tore them apart. She doesn’t want to risk that, again. How could she look her son in the eye?

S12E14 -

“You were running an errand for the Brits. You kept it from us. Cas almost died.”

Always gonna be Dean to bring up his sweetheart.

“I am your mother. But I am not just a mom. And you are not a child.” “I never was.”

Damn, this hurts. The stories I could tell you… the things that happen when you childhood ends at 5, for Dean, or 6, for me.

“And this whole peacemaker schtick that you've been running, first with Cas, now with Mom. It’s getting old, man.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “You’re always playing the middle, Sam. For once, why don’t you pick a side?”

Y’know what, Dean, your brother has your back through so much bullshit. And while you’re all black-and-white, pick-a-side, Sam has a view that leans grey and mediated. He doesn’t have to always agree with you to have your back.

But, I mean, I hate your mother, so there’s that, I guess.

And, again, no hate against the actress. She does a lovely job. But I could chuck the character off the page in two seconds flat and show zero remorse. Good thing I’m not writing her arc, eh? It’d be two pages long and so boring.

We need the conflict, I get it. But, personally, I can still want to tell her off.

S12E15 -

Cas meets that other Angel who gets him to betray Dean… again.

“Look, you’ve got more field experience than the next thousand angels combined.” “I think you overestimate me.”

This Angel is poking at him. Sure, you’ve got the Winchesters, but why not work with us, too? Yeah, this place is nice, but don’t you miss home?

“He sound weird to you?”Oh, Dean, your Castiel Sense has come a long way. And the last time you ignored your Castiel Tingle (nope… we gotta find another word for that) he turned out to be Lucifer.

So, that means you’re going to follow up, right? Right?!

Yeah, no. This is Dean Winchester. Move on to the next Monster of the Week, Lady of the night, and Beer of the hour.

S12E16 -

“Killing monsters is what we do. Or maybe paling around with demons and witches, you’ve forgotten.” “Don’t tell me how to do my job.” “Well, then do it.” “You think it’s that simple, do you?” “I really do.” “Yeah, I used to think the same thing. Here’s a little tip. Things aren’t just black and white out here.”

Yes, Dean. Yes. Finally showing that frickin’ growth you’ve been working at.

And, like Cas with the Angels, trying to pass on that earned growth without all the scars to another Hunter. Well, British Man of Letters, but close enough.

S12E17 -

“Hey, you hear anything from Cas, yet?” “Mm. No. Still MIA.” “You think he’s alright?” “I don’t know.”

Stupid Cas worrying his stupid boyfriend. Call him, Cas! Geez Louise!

S12E18 -

“Cas, it’s me. I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for days. I don’t know what’s going on, but we got a line on Dagon, and we got our asses handed to us even with the colt. So, we could really use the backup. Just call me back.”

Dean’s getting worried. You can hear it in his voice. Who knows how many messages he’s left, how many times he’s texted to no avail.

Also, try praying. Even if he’s out of cell service, he’s not outta prayer coverage!

“So, no luck with Cas, huh?” “Yeah, still AWOL.” “Alright, so let’s find him.” “I’ve been trying, Sam. The GPS on his phone is turned off, and there’s nothing in the system about some weird guy in a trench coat getting arrested or turning up dead.” “Dean, it’s Cas. I mean, this isn’t the first time he’s dropped off the map, you know? And whatever’s happening, he’ll be fine. He always is.” “Yeah.”

Now Sam is in comfort mode, knowing Dean’s been looking for Dead Cas. That’s how worried Dean is—he thinks Cas is gone gone.

And this is the episode where the table gets its first scratches as the boys leave their marks. I love the moments where we remember they are brothers not just brothers who hunt and save the world and doom the world and try to save it, again.

Like, the little human moments like this are what reminds us of their love for one another and that they do have some good moments together. Not just, y’know, shared generational trauma.

S12E19 -

“Let me rephrase that for Sam. Where the hell have you been. And why have you been ignoring our phone calls?”

Ooh, boyfriend is pissed you’re screening his calls, babe.

“It’s a gift. You keep those.”

I’m sorry. Is that… a mixtape!? Dean made a mixtape of his favorite songs for his boyfriend? Like, yes, Castiel is using this as an excuse to enter the room and carry out his latest betrayal.

But, Dean, you gotta level with me. How many of your guy friends have you made a mixtape for?

I mean, I’m old enough I made mixtapes on my boombox from the Top 40 that played on the radio. I’d memorize the order and know when to push down “record” to get the ones I loved.

But I wasn’t gonna share them with my brother. This is boyfriend behavior, Mr. Winchester, and you have some explaining to do!

“Cas you can’t… With everything that’s going on, you can’t just go dark like that. We didn’t know what happened. We were worried. That’s not okay.”

Oh, this aches. Dean is actually leveling with Cas and being honest. And I know Cas wishes he could be honest, back, but he thinks he’s protecting Dean by not including him.

It’s one of those lessons Cas just doesn’t quite learn—Dean would rather be in deep shit with you than in the dark. He’d rather be facing down the monsters by your side than stumbling blind.

Stop cutting your boyfriend out of the equation just because you’re afraid he might get hurt!

“Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again… I just wanted - I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself.” {Dean turns} “You think you’re the only one rolling snake eyes here?”

This reminds me of, “I look like good luck to you?” Same vibes. Maybe Cas used that as the template for this whole conversation.

“We will find a better way.” “You mean we?” [motions between them} “Yes, dumbass, we. You, me, and Sam, we’re just better together. So now that you’re back, let’s go Team Free Will”

I’m sorry, Dean, but where the hell is the personal space?

“It was under my pillow. … He came into my room and he played me.”

I’m sorry. Phrasing.

Also, what are you doing telling your boy-toy you sleep with the colt under your pillow? How did Cas even know about it? When did you tell him? What was the context of this conversation? And when did you start telling Cas things you don’t tell Sam?

Like, look, I’m not unhappy you’re breaking away from that super co-dependent relationship that is literally holding you both back while at the same time preserving you in ways that separating cannot. But, I wish we got to see it.

“How did you find us?” “While you were scamming me for the colt, Sam put a tracking device on your phone.”

Ah, yes. One of you has half a braincell, and it ain’t the one blinded by love.

“I wanted to keep you out of this. I was trying to keep you safe.” “You’re not our babysitter, Cas, okay? This is not your job. {Cas reaction} And when in our whole lives have we ever been safe?”

Honestly, I don’t think Dean’s ever been loved like this. Think about it. Nobody was there to protect Dean.

Dean was the protector—the one constantly watching out for Sammy. And, now, he tries hard to protect Cas, too. But he’s not used to someone protecting him because he feels like that’s his job.

But nobody knows more than Castiel that even the great Dean Winchester sometimes needs saving.

“Dagon is after Kelly. Your truck is broke down. Why don’t we get in the Impala, we’ll head back to the bunker and we’ll talk. We’ll figure it out.”

The shots tighten after he says this. Cas, then Dean. It’s always a battle of wills with these two. And in this moment, Cas relents.

"I betrayed my friends… my family.”

Note he talks about “two of my men” for those who call him “brother” but he no longer sees the Angels as his family. He sees Dean and Sam as his family.

“Well he hasn’t exactly had a banner year… everything’s blowing up in his face and he’s so desperate for a win right now he can’t even see straight.”

Why are they so alike!? Dean takes the Mark of Cain and straight up murders a buncha people, then Sam’s able to get the Mark off only to unleash the fucking Darkness, and now Castiel’s on the lamb with the President’s mistress and the spawn of Satan.

Yeah, fun club you’ve got, boys. I heartily decline membership.

Later, Castiel straight up smites Dagon. The moment the power flows from Kelly’s hand to Cas, Dean sees it. It’s Dean who immediately spies something is up with Cas.

“You’re hurt.”

Even when they’re at odds, he’s going to heal Dean. And it’s fascinating that he reaches for his arm, here, his and Dean’s hands barely touching as he does. His fingers wrap around Dean’s arm when they don’t need to.

“Whatever that thing did to you, we’re not gonna just let you walk away.”

Dean has seen Cas lobotomized. He’s seen him possessed. He’s seen Cas go through so many horrible things, and he wants to stop this before it gets bad. But, it’s too late.

With a touch, Sam’s out. And as he reaches for Dean, all the human can mutter is “Don’t” before he’s out and headed to the ground.

S12E20 -

“So, last night, that Super Mario power up crap? That wasn’t Cas. That freakin’ baby isn’t even born, yet, and it sock-puppeted him.”

This makes sense, based on every other time he’s seen Cas a little off. There was Godstiel, there was Naomi mind control, and there was Casifer. I mean, when it comes to being controlled by other beings, Cas has a reputation.

And it always goes badly.

“Look, this doesn’t make any sense to me, either, Dean, but if we wanna have some shot at finding Cas, then we have to, I don’t know. Uh, try and think like him?”

Look at poor Dean. He is worried. They survive Casifer and all that bullshit for Cas to up and disappear to then con him of the Colt, then he goes AWOL with Satan’s semen.

“How? I mean, seriously. Up until now if Cas messed up, if he did something wrong, but he thought it was for the right reasons, I got it. Right? But last night when I looked at him, I did not recognize the guy staring back at me.”

I mean, to be fair, Castiel didn’t look constipated, concerned, or confused, so I guess that would make him harder to recognize.

“Even if you can’t swing by, can you call me back? Just some stuff going down that’s got me spun out.”

He can’t shake the Cas stuff. He never could. And now he really wants his mom to be there for him to talk about his boy troubles.

Which is such a fun reversal from earlier in the season when he was gabbing with his Angel guy about his Mom troubles.

S12E22 -

“Y’know, it won’t long ago I thought we had it made. We saved the world. We got Cas back. We had Mom back. I mean, it wasn’t perfect, but, still, we had ’em. And now.” “Now they’re all gone.”

Ouch. I mean, just ouch. I mean, yeah, Mom stuff’s a bit worrisome, but Castiel is in the wind, not in the ground. You can still get him back.

“Yup. Big. Beautiful. And Dumb.”

Dean describing the weapon… or was he describing himself? Hmmm.

S12E23 -

“Dean.”

I just love how the little Angel only needs to acknowledge Dean. He sees the others, of course. This is his family. But it’s always gonna be Dean.

“We’ll work through our crap. We always do.”

This aches. It reminds me of Season 7 all over again when Cas assured Dean in episode 1 that he would redeem himself, that he would find a way. And then he dies.

This time, Dean says that he and Castiel will get through it because they always do. He knows that he and Cas will find their way back to one another, even if their paths diverge, sometimes. And this is important.

Because that cord between them is so strong now it feels almost impenetrable. That while their lives may take them away from one another at times, they are connected and that bond cannot be broken.

Dean has no idea how easily the right kind of blade can severe a cord completely when wielded in weighty hands. He goes into this situation knowing the odds, but thinking they’ll come out of it, fine.

And after they figure it out, they can talk it out. After they get through this latest horror, they can yell at each other and make amends.

All they need is time.

Oh, Dean, you think you have time. But time is running out, faster than you know.

“I have faith in us. You. Me. Mom. Cas. And Crowley. Sometimes.”

While, yes, the core of this show is the brothers—and it always has been—this is a moment when Dean is recounting those closest to them. And right behind his blood family is Cas.

Dean shouts when the knife pierces Cas and he sees his Angel die. He’s devastated when his Mom disappears into the closing portal with Lucifer. And while Sam has the wherewithal enough to go check on Kelly, Dean can’t tear himself from Castiel’s side.

He drops to his knees next to the body of his closest friend, his best friend, his almost something. And all those words he thought they’d have time to say die on his lips.

Something within him dies with them.

When he lost Cas to the Leviathans, he was shaky. When he lost him to Purgatory, he was devastated. When he watched him die and come back to life when he was human-ish, he nearly stroked out.

But this time, he’s shattered. Dean is shattered. The pieces are strewing everywhere and he can’t pull it back together.

Yes, part of this is his Mom. We’re not going to pretend that doesn’t hurt something awful. But it’s not all her. A lot of it is Cas.

Looking for Part V? It’s here! Thank you for reading!

#spn #meta #destiel #we know cas knows when he gets bro-zoned that should have made him happy but the reaction is classic!

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kiteblue42 · 2 months ago

Text

Part III - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

If you’ve already Checked out Part I and Part II of my Destiel Meta (wow, this thing is long), then you are in the right place! Part III.

I didn't know I was going to do all this when I started watching Supernatural two months ago. That's right—it's only been two months.

But, I had a lot of fun doing it. I did! And if anyone out there gets a smile from reading these, then that's pretty damn special.

WARNING: These are just my opinions. An uninformed fan. I don't think I'm right-er than anyone else. That's the glorious thing about head cannons!

SPOILERS: Everything is fair game. So, enter at your own risk.

Sound about right to you? Yeah, let's dive in!

S9E1 -

“Cas, are you there?”

This hurts. Dean doesn’t know if Cas is dead, if he’s alive, or if he is simply ignoring him. So, he puts out a Mass Call to all Angels, so desperate for help he doesn’t think it through.

Remind you of anyone?

Yeah, these ridiculous beings are meant for each other. Oy vey.

“Have you heard my prayers? I’ve been praying to you all night.” “Metatron, he… he took my grace.” “What?!” “Don’t worry about me, what are you doing for Sam?”

This is actually really beautiful. Dean is worried about Cas. Cas is worried about Sam. And, of course, Dean is freaking out about Sam, and Cas knows it.

Something about “I cared about Sam” comes to mind. Because only a few seasons ago, Castiel was so driven in his own mission that he endangered Sam. Now, he deflects Dean’s concern because he knows, ultimately, Dean’s concern for his brother trumps everything else.

“Uh, everything I can. There’s actually another angel in there working on him right now.” “What other angel?” “Um, his name is Ezekiel. He’s cool. I mean, I think he is.” “Ezekiel, yes. He’s a good soldier. He should be able to help until I get there.”

Castiel, your Grace is gone, boo. What the hell do you think you can do?”

“Wait, no, no, no, hey, that’s not an option.” “It might be a few days, but-” “Hey, Cas, listen to me. There are angels out there, okay? And they, there looking for you and they’re pissed.” “Not all of them Dean.”

Castiel’s not listening to Dean. And, hilariously, he’s doing the thing Dean does—trying to help everyone. Trying to meet every need he sees.

“I think I can help her, Dean.” “No, Cas. I know you want to help, okay, I do, but helping angels is what got you in trouble in the first place. Now, I’m begging you, for once, look out for yourself. Until we figure out what the hell is going on, trust nobody.” “And do what? Just abandon them all?” “Damn it, Cas. You hearing yourself? There’s a war on, and it’s on you.”

There’s something about Dean begging, again. He’s begging Cas. He sees prayer as begging, too, and he doesn’t like to beg.

But he’ll beg Cas. Over and over, he begs him. And there’s something so damn beautiful about the fact that he knows that he can. That there is never any judgment for him needing help or wanting comfort.

I feel like his father had a hand in that aspect of Dean’s personality—of him drowning his sorrows rather than expressing his needs.

And this time he’s begging Cas to stop thinking about others. Because Cas always wants to do the right thing by everyone else. And right now, Dean just wants to protect Castiel.

Because all he has besides Sam is Cas. And he can’t lose both of them.

“Look, get your ass to the bunker, alone. You hear me?” “Dean.” “Go, Cas.”

Dean is in protector mode when it comes to Cas. He knows that the Angel is weak. He’s hunted. He’s in trouble.

But he can’t leave Sammy’s side. So, he does what he can and gives the Angel an order, a command, a mission of his own—save your own skin.

And what he doesn’t say here that he has said before is “don’t make me lose you, too”. But that’s what he means. It’s written all over his face.

S9E02 -

“So, what, Cas is human?” “Ish. I mean, he’s got no grace, no wings, no harp, whatever the hell else he had.”

It’s exactly what Dean saw in the Endverse.

“Okay. Where’d he crash land?” “Called me from a payphone from longmont, Colorado. I told him to just make for the bunker.” “You think he can handle a road trip like that?” “Cas’ a big boy. Things go breaking bad he knows our number. Right now, I got bigger worries.”

See what I mean about the end of the infantilizing? It’s refreshing, honestly.

S9E03 -

“Why do you seem so worried?” “Let’s see. There’s Cas, who I told to haul ass here. That was days ago. He’s still out there.”

I love that the first thing Dean starts with is Cas. He’s worried. Yes, he said that Cas was a big boy who could handle it, and he believed it. But now it’s been days and he can’t fathom why he hasn’t at least heard from him.

“I have news. I’ve picked up chatter among the angels. Not all of them are wandering around in confusion.” “Yeah, some of them are after Cas.” “There is a faction that is rapidly organizing and finding human vessels to contain them … But it is this faction’s leadership who want Castiel found.”

The Angel in Sam is unusually helpful on this. I mean, I still don’t fully understand why he helped in protecting Castiel, here, but he did.

“How do I start looking for this… Castiel?” “I got one word for you—Winchester.”

Damn. Everybody out in Supernatural’s clocked it and Dean’s still sitting over here worrying himself to death over his very good friend.

Dean, my man. You’re killing me.

“Angel kill. They might’ve just missed Cas… unless they got him. … Angels are looking for info. Man if they get to him before we do…

There’s a bit of wistfulness and hope to his voice as he says, “they might’ve just missed Cas”.

“What’s up?” “We been chasing our tails all night. No Cas. What’s up? I’m fried.”

Dean goes to Cas after he pulled the freakin’ blade out of his chest to kill the chick. He places one hand on Cas’ knee, the other on his shoulder.

But as his desperation grows, Dean takes Cas’ face in both of his hands, holding it, desperate for him to heal.

His voice breaks as the realization sets in—he was too late. He was too fucking late. And Cas is gone.

This is a post-Purgatory Destiel, a post-Naomi Destiel. This is a point where Dean is already so attached to Cas he can’t bear the thought of losing him. And he realizes he was moments too late to save him.

But then the other Angel heals Cas.

“Dean.” “Hey. Hey, yeah.”

Dean leans down to level with Cas, one hand on the former-Angel’s knee, the other hand almost lands on Castiel’s chest before settles on the arm of the chair.

“Never do that again!” “Alright. But I’m confused. I know she stabbed me but I’m, well, I don’t appear to be dead.”

And Dean lies. Of course he lies. And Castiel believes him. Because, at last, he’s reunited with his family.

After everything they’ve been through, he’s certain Dean and Sam will take care of him and help him navigate this new reality. Right? RIGHT!?

“Listen, buddy. Um, you can’t stay.”

This is one of the shittiest things Dean has ever done to Cas. And, I get it. Sam is the priority and he thinks that helping Cas means killing Sam.

But the look in Cas’ eyes is so wounded. He just experienced what it’s like to be homeless, helpless, friendless, and lost in the world. He fucking died.

And instead of his friends taking him in and showing him how this works and giving him a place to hide, they kick him to the curb like last year’s Christmas puppy.

S9E04 -

“Well, first, I think I might have found a way to help Cas.” “Did you talk to him?” “No. And by the way, I still don’t understand why he left in the first place. I mean, the bunker is the safest place for him.”

Yeah, but the Angel dick your brother stuck in your skull’s a little touchy about his plan being interrupted by the Angel of Thursday—wings or not.

“Hey, look, nobody wants him here more than I do, okay?”

Oh, really, Mr. Winchester? A likely story.

“But, uh, he felt like he’d bring trouble down on us, so he had to split. … But if you got a way to help him, I’m all ears.”

Because he hasn’t given up on his Angel. Sure, he’s keeping his distance to protect Sammy, but he still wants Cas to be okay. And he misses him more than he’ll admit.

S9E06 -

“Hello.” “I may have a case for you. Four missing in Rexford, Idaho, {Dean stands, distancing himself from the others} presumed dead but no bodies have been released to loves ones. And there were reports of a strange substance at the scenes.” “Oh, well, hello to you, too, Cas. How are you?”

I get the impression this is the first they’ve spoken since Cas left. Obviously, Dean doesn’t recognize the number, and as soon as he realizes it’s Cas, he walks away from the others.

“Hey, you sure everything’s… okay.”

He wants absolution from his guilt so bad. He wants to know that Cas is okay out there, as a human, without them.

“So he said nothing about where he is or or what he’s been doing.” “This is Cas. In case you forgot he’s not exactly chatty Cathy.” “And you’re not even going to see him when you’re in Idaho?” “Well, like I said, as long as he’s catnip for angels, he’s keeping his distance.” “So, then what’s the point, Dean. It’s barely even a case.”

Right, because he wants to see Cas. Yes, he’s going to look into this “barely a case”, but now that he knows where Castiel is, he wants to check on him.

There’s something so heartbreaking about Dean watching Cas from afar. He knows this is a badass warrior of God, and now he’s a Sales Associate.

It’s not that being a Sales Associate is a bad line of work for some folks—but Dean knows Cas can do so much more. That he wants to do so much more.

And he knows Cas wouldn’t have to do this if he could have stayed in the bunker.

Castiel was not expecting Dean to show up at his store. His expression completely shifts. The last time they saw one another, Dean kicked him out, told him to leave, pushed him away.

And now, Dean’s standing in front of Cas, the counter separating them. Dean’s playing like nothing’s wrong, but we saw him outside watching Cas. He’s hurting, too. But he can’t let Cas know.

Cas looks away before finally meeting Dean’s eyes. And oh what must it have felt like for him in a human-ish way?

You know those butterflies you feel when you’re first dating someone and every time they walk into a room your heart leaps? Did Cas’ heart leap? I wonder…

“What are you doing here?” “Gee, it’s nice to see you too, Cas.”

Fuck you, Dean.

Look, I love Dean Winchester, but the dude is sometimes a prick. He knows that he’s the one who kicked Castiel to the curb.

Yes, he did so because he thought he was protecting his brother and we all know Sammy comes first above Heaven, Hell, Humanity, and Hubbies.

But for him to be so brazenly dickish is annoying. The last time Castiel saw you, you kicked him out.

Also, considering how Cas will later confide to Sam that being human allowed him to understand them and human emotions, more, imagine the agony of seeing Dean after he was cast out of the bunker. Poor kid.

“You coming?” “I wouldn’t be much use. I don’t have my powers.” “So? I’ve never had powers.” “You are a hunter.” “And you are a hunter in training, remember?” “Yeah, I remember. you said I sucked., I didn’t say that. I said there was, uh, room for improvement. Come on.”

The truth is that he wants more time with Cas. He wants to be sure that Castiel is doing okay, but he also misses his friend.

Castiel lost his wings, so he can’t just flutter in whenever he wants. He doesn’t have a vehicle, and he’s not going to find a Greyhound to the bunker.

“The ebb and flow of human emotions? Dean, I’ve been on the earth a few years and I’ve only begun to grasp it."

Oh, you sweet little (former) Angel. I love how you spell it out for us that Angels just don’t feel the same way as humans.

Yes, with more time on Earth, they get closer, but this Angel is fresh and has no concept of humanity besides the abstract.

Later, the two have to fight together, and I love how Dean tosses the dagger to Cas, who does what needs to be done. Even in his human-ish state, he’s still capable with a blade. I think he needed the reminder.

“There’s no putting the Angels back in Heaven. It’s done. You gonna tell Cas?”

And he’s not. Damnit, Dean. Another secret from Cas?! This never ends well, and you know it.

“Where to, Cas?”

Dean is acting as his taxi driver because he feels so guilty. And it strikes me that this is Dean doing what he can for Cas. He can’t explain it to him. He can’t tell him why he can’t bring him home.

But he can do this. So, he’s going to do this.

Golly, they’re so alike, sometimes!

“Listen, Cas, back at the bunker, I, uh… Sorry I told you to go. I know it’s been hard on you, you know, on your own. You’re adapting. I’m proud of you.” “Thank you, Dean."

These fuckers need to learn to communicate. I mean, how many times has Dean gotten furious at Cas for keeping shit from him? And then he goes out and does the same thing.

Yes, I know, two sides of the same coin. Blah, blah, blah. These fuckers deserve each other. Blah, blah, blah.

But, seriously, couple’s counseling is in y’all’s future. No, I’m not joking. It happens. Just skip ahead to Season 15 and you’ll see!

Cas stops to look in the window at Dean before he leaves. Dean waves and Cas waves back even though these idiots are two feet away from one another.

S9E09 -

Oh, my, gosh. Dean had the gal to mention that Cas was a Hunter in Training and now the HIT is going after a case. And the decision to have him still not wearing the coat, even though he’s wearing the suit is deliberate.

He’s not an Angel, again. But he’s a Hunter. They started this, and he’s doing his best.

“I mean, you left that nigh because angels were on your ass.” “Yeah, and you were living the life, you know?” … “If angels are slaughtering one another, I have to do what I can to help. This is a risk we should be willing to take. Don’t you think?”

Sam’s actually proud of the little Angel, and Dean has to relent. If he cuts Cas out, now, Sam’s going to get suspicious. And he’s already too close to catching on.

“Cas is back in town.” “Did you just- did he just say that?”

I laughed aloud and confused my kid in the room with me. It only lasted a second (the confusion) because they then said, “You’re watching Destiel, aren’t you?” Oh, dear…

“You know, this is my first beer as a human. I hope it’s okay, me joining you.” “Why wouldn’t it be okay?” … “I’m a part of this, like it or not.”And Cas means whether he likes it or not. But Dean knows that Angel in his brother does not like it. At all.

Of course, if Dean had leveled with Cas earlier, this would never have happened. But, it is what it is. Stories happen because characters fuck up.

And this tilt-a-whirl of Sam, Dean, and Cas is always leaning in the direction of one of them being the fool of the season.

“The reaper you banged.” “Yeah, and you stabbed.”

In that order, that’s hella hilarious. Makes it sound like one directly influenced the other. I mean they did, but it sounds like one happened right after the other, in between the sheets.

What? It made me laugh.

“Alright, Zeke, level with me. What is it that you are so afraid of?”

And finally Dean is pushing back a little. Cas is right there and they just bonded over a hot woman, are sharing his first beer as a human, and it’s starting to feel cozy and relaxed, again.

“Okay, well, you know what? Cas isn’t in good standing with any angel, alright? But here he is, ass on the line, fighting the fight. So, tell me, what makes you so special?”

There’s that protective hubby. Finally. Welcome back, buddy.

“I notice you look kind of uncomfortable whenever Sam mentions my leaving.”

Three beers in, and he’s still reading Dean.

“Doesn’t he know that you told me to leave?”

Nope. Dean’s lying to both of the most important people in his life.

“Look, I gotta do anything I can to get him back. Now, if that means we keep our distance from you for a little while, then, then I don’t have a choice.”

Well, it’s the most honest he’s been. So, I’ll give him that, I guess.

“I don’t feel good about it, but I don’t have a choice.”

Castiel is hurt. Imagine what this feels like as a human. To feel cast out, again. Now, Cas always knows Dean is going to choose Sam over the entirety of the world. But that doesn’t make this hurt any less.

“It’s great to have your help, Cas. Okay, but we just can’t work together.”

Castiel’s processing this quickly—maybe too quickly. Where Dean takes forever to get through things, Cas leaps to conclusions. But, this all hurts like hell.

“Any word from Cas?” “Nothing, yet." “And we’re not worried about him? That he just took off like that, again?!”

Sam’s tracking this yo-yo without understanding it. One moment they’re all buddy-buddy at the bar, and now Castiel’s MIA, again.

“It’s the way he wanted it. Honestly.”

Fuck. You. Fucker.

“The great Castiel. Valued and trusted Castiel. Top of the Christmas Tree Castiel.”

We didn’t see enough of this, really. I remember the early days when they mentioned how high he was on the whole Angelic hierarchy, but I think it’s very easy in these later seasons to forget just how far he’s fallen.

“Dean, I don’t have a lot of time, so listen. The leader of the opposition is an Angel named Malachi.” “How do you know that?” “He had me. I, uh, I was tortured. But I got away.” “How?” “I did what I had to. I’ve become what they’ve become. A barbarian.” “What are you- Cas, where are you?”Dean wants to get to him, to help him, to pick him up and protect him.

Because even now—when Sam is his top priority more than usual—he doesn’t want harm to come to Cas. Cas being away is tough, but bearable. Cas in danger when Dean could have done something is too damn much.

“It’s better I stay away. They’re gonna want me even more now.”

One episode. That’s how long he lasts on this plan because Dean calls and he answers. But, it’s kinda hilarious that the excuse Dean gave Sam is now the real answer.

“But I’m gonna be alright. I, I got my Grace back. Well, not mine, per se. But it’ll do.” “Wait, you’re back? You got your mojo?” {Cas chuckles} “I’m not sure. But I am an Angel.” “And you’re okay with that?”

God, I love this growth. I love how Dean is concerned with Cas and how Cas is handling this. As much as Dean doesn’t want to talk about his feeling, he sure gives Cas a lot of space to talk about his, now. And I love it.

“If we’re going to war, I need to be ready.” “Cas-” “Dean-”

What was Dean about to say!? Something is weighty in his eyes. Was he about to tell Cas the truth? Was he going to tell him about how Metatron’s spell wasn’t reversible? What!?

S9E10 -

"Cas. Now, look at you. All suited up and back in the game.”

After Purgatory, Dean was thrown by Cas in his classic getup. Here, he chuckles as Cas regards his own appearance, near blushing at the attention.

Yes, the trademark trench-coat look is back—even if Cas has changed trench coats a few times during the course of the series.

“I came as soon as you called. I was… {he sees the state of affairs} Dean. What happened? What’s wrong?”

There’s a beautiful transition between scenes using Cas’ coat for the match cut. When we settle in the new scene, the two are sitting across the table from one another, actually having a conversation.

“Dean, I’m sorry.” “Yeah, well. Sorry don’t pay the bills, does it?”

They’re leveling with each other, here. Sitting together. Talking it out. We’ve come so far.

“God, I was so damn stupid.” “You were stupid for the right reasons.” “Yeah, like that matters.” “It does. Sometimes that’s all that matters.”

Cas crosses around the table so he and Dean are standing on the same side. Yes, of course this is blocking and he’s hitting his mark, but I love the metaphor, here, and I love Cas’ support, here.

He’s coming to Dean with proposals of actual solutions. They’re working the problem together instead of one of them running off like a fucking recluse doing whatever the hell he wants in the name of the greater good.

Yes, story dictates one of the three must be a thoughtless gnat at any given time. They can’t all have it together or there’d be no story. But I do really enjoy the episodes when they’re a team like this.

“Listen to me, Sam is strong. If he knew an angel was possessing him, he could fight. He could cast the angel out.”

See!? Look at these two strategizing together, looking for a solution together. I mean, I know they’re gonna fuck this dynamic up sooner than later, but I’ll take what I can get while I can get it!

“You think that would work?” “I don’t know, but I think we should try.”

And we’re back to “we”. EEE!

“People in your general vicinity don’t have much in the way of a lifespan.”

Cas looks back to Dean, and Dean looks at him. Cas sees what Dean’s been putting up with. But, also, it’s kinda true. It’s tragic that it’s true, but it’s because Dean doesn’t run from the fight. That invites all sorts of chaos.

And there’s no personal space with Dean and Cas when they huddle up to chat. Yes, they’re speaking quietly so Crowley doesn’t overhear, but they barely move when he inserts himself into the conversation.

Dean finally can’t take watching the needles go into Sam and puts some distance between him and the Demon working on his brother. Cas follows, but this time doesn’t try to touch him or offer specific comfort. He simply goes with him so he’s not alone.

“Hey.” “I can’t watch that anymore.” “I understand. It’s not Sam, but… it’s still Sam.” “Pretty much, yeah. … How are you doing?” “You want to talk about me now?” “I wanna talk about anything that’s not a demon sticking needles into my brother’s brain. Yeah, humor me, man. How’re you doing?” “Uh, I’m okay.” “Good.”

Yes, Dean’s looking for a distraction, but I kinda love that the distraction is to talk about Cas. He doesn’t want to talk about himself. He doesn’t want that focus.

But I feel like they’re making up for all the times in previous seasons where Dean didn’t care enough about what was going on with Cas, or didn’t have the opportunity to show he cares.

“Cas, I’m sorry.” “About what?” “Kickin’ you out of the bunker. That’s, uh. You know, not telling you about Sam.” “You thought his life was at stake.”

There’s no judgment on Cas’ part. He isn’t angry or upset. He has long understand that Dean’s first devotion is to being big brother to Sam, and he doesn’t question the decision.

“Yeah, I got played.” “I thought I was saving heaven. I got played, too.” “So you’re saying we’re both a couple of dumbasses?” “I prefer the word ’trusting’. Less dumb. Less ass.”

Which only leaves “Couple”. I mean, it’s right there! And they’re having another really lovely, really mature conversation. I like these.

Yes, we have to have the other shit or these would have zero impact. But, I really like when we get to these moments that affirm how far they’ve come and how much trust they have in each other.

“Laverne! Shirley!”

Hah! Gosh, was the audience for this show old enough to understand the reference!? I mean, yeah, I was, but only because I watched a lot of Nick at Nite! Mark & Mindy. Bewitched. I Dream of Jeanie. Ah, such memories!

“Dean, he-.” “I get it. But you gotta chill.”

Cas shrugs off Dean’s hand on his shoulder. He is furious and a little out of control. It’s incredible here that Dean is the one to stop Cas from flying off the rails, but maybe this has something to do with the humanity he so recently explored.

He basically implied human emotions and feelings are different. Deeper. So, it’s not impossible that he’s still feeling some pretty big feels.

Dean holds up his hands to show that he’s not going to do anything once Cas shrugs him off. Right now, they’re balancing each other. They’re keeping each other steady, depending on who needs it in which way.

“You can’t-” “You got a better idea?”

This whole episode is Dean and Cas balancing each other. They’re checking in with one another and checking one another’s bad ideas.

“Cas, burn off Sam’s tattoo.” “Dean-” “Do it. Do it.”

And he does. He doesn’t want to, but there isn’t a better option. So, he does it.

It says something for Castiel’s self-awareness that he knows to step away from Dean and Sam as they talk at the end. He has a long journey ahead, truly healing Sam. But, he’s going to do his best and do it right.

S9E11 -

Cas stays with Sam because Sam needs healing. You can’t convince me there’s another reason he’s not out there scouring the countryside for Dean. He’s going to heal Dean’s little brother because he knows it’s what Dean would want him to do.

“You and Dean chose each other.” “Yeah, I did. We did. And then… Dean made a choice for me.”

See? Castiel may love Dean, but he knows that ultimately the Winchester brothers are unit. No jealously. No drama.

So, let’s not try to make it a “Cas vs Sam” thing, okay drama llamas?

“Sam, when I was human, I died and that showed me that life is precious and it must be protected at all costs. Even a life as, as pig-headed as a Winchester’s.”

I laughed aloud in the middle of the night while my children were sleeping, risking waking them. That’s how much this line killed me. Oh, writer, I could kiss you.

“Being human, it didn’t just change my view of food. It changed my view of you. I mean, I can relate, now, to how you feel.” “What are you talking about?” “The only person who has screwed things up more consistently than you is me. And now I know what that guilt feels like. And I know what it… I know what it means to feel sorry, Sam. I am sorry.” “I know.” “You know, old me, I would have just kept going. I would’ve jammed hat needle in deeper until you died because the ends always justified the means. But what I went through, well that PJ and J taught me that angels can change, so, who knows? Maybe Winchesters can, too.”

This is all to Sam, but it is an important part of Cas’ journey. He already felt more than most Angels, we know. But now he knows what it is to feel as a human.

And I can only wonder how much it deepens his love for Dean. To feel like we feel. To love like we love.

“She knew who I was. And what I was. She loved me unconditionally. She forgave me. She only asked for one thing.” “To stop.” …

I’m sorry, is this a Castiel coded story? Because, it feels like a Castiel coded story. The one who loved Cain in spite of everything he’d done and loved him completely. The one who asked him to stop.

I can’t believe people told y’all you were crazy. I mean, I was outside of the fandom for two decades, right? But even I heard tale of the Angel and the Winchester brother.

It was told to me as a classic Slash ship. And for those of us old enough to remember when Slash first came around in relation to television ships, those ships were usually doomed to fan fiction-only.

But this is madness. Hey, we’re not gonna show you Abel, but we’re gonna show you the third person who was possessed by a bad guy and I was devastated when I lost them.

“Your problem, mate, is that nobody hates you more than you do. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

It’s true. And it’s a reminder of how Dean sees himself… and how far Castiel’s love takes him.

S9E12 -

“Cas took care of it. {chuckles} What?” “I’m gone two weeks and you’re like an episode of Teen Mom.”

Uh, which one of them is the teen in this scenario, Dean?

S9E13 -

“You didn’t want to be alone. That’s what all this boils down to. You can’t stand the thought of being alone. I’ll give you this much, you are certainly willing to do the sacrificing as long as you’re not the one being hurt.”

This is Sam talking about him and Dean, but he is so damn right. Dean doesn’t want to be alone. And that’s why Cas’ death at the end hurts so damn much. The script even says it! He’s alone.

And he could never let go of Sammy. He was disappointed when Sam didn’t look for him when he and Cas were sucked into Purgatory. He is devastated to know Sam would have let him die.

But in the end, in that blasted barn, Dean is the one telling Sam not to try to bring him back. I mean, even in Paradise bro is so concerned with his family he nearly gets kicked out of Heaven.

S9E14 -

“You’ve been flying solo for so long you’ve forgotten that’s what Angels do. We follow orders.”

Yet another reminder of Castiel—the spanner in the works with a crack in his chassis—doing things different.

“Who I was. What I did. That’s not who I am.” … “What are you, now? A penitent?” “I’m nothing.”

You’re still one badass mother fucker, though.

“When I fell, I thought I had no choice. But yesterday you showed me that there is a choice.”

Oh, wow. Dean taught Cas. Cas is teaching them.

S9E18 -

“What’s honorable about a miniature bar in a hotel room?” “Everything.”

A smile crosses Castiel’s face that is so damn adoring.

“How are you, Dean?” “I’m fine, Cas, how about you?” “I miss my wings. Life on the road… smells.”

Now, Dean’s the one with the adoring smile. Aw, these two miss each other.

And Dean’s concealing shit… again. When are you gonna learn to talk to your husband!?

“We need Cas.” “Any word from him? “No. I tried him, again. He hasn’t called. He hasn’t texted. I turned on the GPS on his phone. He’s still in the same town where we talked to him last.” “What the hell?” “I don’t know. You gotta go find him.” “Wait, what?” “You’re too close to this, man.” “And, what, you’re not?”

Of course, they need Cas for something. But, still, I appreciate them worrying.

“Why are you doing this?” “Because I can. Because you and your little brother and your fine, feathered friend and all those secrets you’ve got locked away in your bunker can’t stop me.”

I’m sorry. The heavy implication on “friend” made me momentarily black out and miss the rest of the sentence. Like, I know that Heaven and Hell are wise to the Destiel, but gee wiz.

Dean’s “friend” with emphasis. Yeah, these two are down bad and the entirety of the Universe is aware.

“Wait, did you, did you just understand a Death Star reference?” “Yeah, I think so.”

I think it’s kinda funny Castiel doesn’t explain the Metatron pop culture dump, but I also love that even though Castiel might be aware of the connotation, he still can’t grasp the denotation. Adorable.

“You sure you’re alright?” “Yes. Are you? There’s something different about you.”

Damn Angel vision fucking up Dean’s planned subterfuge.

“I’m fine.”

But the second his hand hits Castiel’s shoulder, the Angel grabs on.

And Dean doesn’t resist as Cas pushes his sleeve up because he knows the jig is already up—Cas is just confirming what he already figured out.

“What have you done?” “It’s a means to an end.” “Damn it, Dean. … Hey, Sam? You keep an eye on him.”

Because Castiel knows where this goes. He probably knows better than Dean, but Dean’s not ready to listen to him. And Cas knows it.

S9E21 -

Dean is the first one through the door, and Cas hugs him heartily. When he hugs Sam, Sam seems a little surprised at his hug.

“So… Commander?” “Yeah. Not my idea. They had no leader and they insisted on following me.” “Yeah, we get it. You’re a rockstar.”

Okay, Dean’s being a little teasing here, but did our little Angel just blush!?

“See, you don’t think anybody’s lying. I think everybody’s lying.”

There is so much to unpack here. First of all, there’s gotta be a middle ground, right? Somewhere in the middle?

But, more than that, there are so many times Dean hoped Cas wasn’t lying when he was—which means Dean was going against his base instinct with Castiel every time that happened.

In the immortal words of How I Met Your Mother: “That’s love, bitch.”

S9E22 -

“I called Cas. He said there’s something going down in Missouri.” “What kind of something? “ He said he couldn’t talk about it over the phone.” “Why?” “Because he is a weird guy, okay? He’s a weird, dorky little guy. But he happens to have an army of angels behind him, and even though I hate to say it, if we’re gonna take a shot at Metatron, they might be useful.”

Distancing much? Wow, that Mark is really affecting you Dean-o.

“The Winchesters? I’ve heard so much about you.” “What can I say? Cas is a fan?”

Wow. Why are you being such a douche this episode, Dean?

And, yes, later I realized they were emphasizing the impact of the Mark on him. But, at first I really did just think he was being a douche canoe for no damn reason.

“Stop saying you don’t know.” “You can’t think I would allow something like this.” “Cas, I know you try to be a good guy, okay? I do. You try. But what you got here, this is a freakin’ cult.” “Dean.” “And the last time you had this kind of juice, you did kill humans and angels, and you did nothing but lie to me and Sam about it the whole damn time.”

Ah. So, is this why you’re being an ass? Because, if so, I get it. Trauma is a bitch. But this is not remotely the appropriate place to have it out with your boyfriend, Dean. Get a room.

And I don’t even mean that in the “Hummanuh hummanuh” way. I literally mean, go into another room to have a conversation like this. Oy vey.

“Can we, uh, can we take this somewhere else, guys?”

Sam, thank you. And I’m so sorry you have to put up with these two all the time. Like, honestly, this is one of those times I think 90 minutes in the honeymoon suite would actually set them right.

Notice I can’t say “set them straight” because, well…

“Will you stow the baggage, Dean?”

Thank you, Sam!

“So I should just sit here.” “Pretty much.” “No. If you don’t want my help, then I will follow Josiah’s trail to Colorado.”

Dean needs the pushback, sometimes. And, we need to be reminded that much as everyone likes to refer to Cas as a “pet” like he’s Dean damn dog, Castiel has his own agency.

“Alright, fine. But Sam’s coming with you.” “What?” “Because you don’t trust me?” “To help.”

Fuck you, Dean Winchester. If anyone’s testing trust right now, it’s you and that damn Mark of Cain. And I feel the pain that Cas feels and the surprise from Sam.

Yes, Dean has a fuckton of baggage, and that’s understandable. But treating Cas like shit is still treating Cas like shit.

“Does Dean seem different to you?” “Yeah. Lately he seems to be… amped up. You know, on edge.” “Effects of the Mark.” “What else?”

Yup. Dean’s dangling dangerously close to the flames of eternal damnation on this one. And his lover and brother are justifiably worried.

“He does seem angry. I mean, he’s always a little angry, but now it seems like… more. I think part of him actually believed that I ordered those angels to, you know. Sam, you don’t, do you?” “No, man. Cas, listen, you got a weird thing going on back there.”

And Sam takes the Dean place of being the one to level with him, to give him the whole picture. To show Cas what they think he’s missing.

“You play at being noble, you play at being one of us. When I look into your eyes, I don’t see an Angel staring back at me.”

This is so fascinating. I mean, yes, Cas is on borrowed Grace. But, he does have his abilities, and he is an Angel. But he’s also the most Human angel to ever exist.

Because Castiel does want to get his people home. But he has other allegiances. He has other “sympathies”, if we want to get old-school.

“Have you told them about your stolen Grace, Castiel? How it’s fading away? And when it burns out, so will you?”

You. Fucker.

“You gave us order, Castiel, and we gave you our trust. Don’t lose it over one man.”

And look at Dean’s face there. He’s spent this whole episode being an utter ass to Castiel.

“This is justice.”

Castiel takes the blade in his hand and he considers what to do, what must be done.

Cas and Dean meet each other’s eyes, and you can see the moment where Dean accepts he’s going to die at Castiel’s hand. That this is it.

“No. I can’t.”

Dean starts breathing again, relief settling in.

“And then, after a rousing speech, his true weakness is revealed. He’s in love. With humanity!”

So, that’s his petname for Dean. I always wondered!

Yes, I realize this was pure torture. It’s designed to torture us. So, if they’re gonna fuck with my emotions, I’m gonna turn it on its head. What can I say? I’m a bit of a sadist.

“So, batteries.” “I’m fine.” “No, you’re not. How long you got?” “Long enough to destroy Metatron, I hope. But without an army.” “Well, hey, you still got us.”

Dean throws Cas an encouraging smile. But Cas isn’t convinced.

“Dean, those bombers. You don’t really think that I-” “Cas, you just gave up an entire army for one guy. No, there’s no way that you blew those people away.”

Dean, honey, I say this with all due respect, but how you missed that the Angel was in love with you at this point is purely ignorance and inability to spot what you have. Because, damn, boy, you are stubborn.

Castiel literally had to kill one person who had killed someone and broken the rules. Like, you put him in a terrible position on that one. But he still looked you in the eyes and couldn’t do it.

Because he loves you.

This is what love feels like, Dean. Not the love of family or friends, but the enduring love of a partner that carries you through the worst and celebrates with you through the best.

It’s about being there for one another, caring more about the other than any other person in their life can who isn’t kin. You have this with Castiel. You’re just too damn blind to see it.

“You really believe we three will be enough?” “We always have been.”

Alright, now you are being the romantic one, Dean. Like, seriously, the music cue there was so sweet, and the way you were looking into one another’s eyes.

Of course, the moment’s broken because the moment’s always broken. But, that was a nice one.

S9E23 -

“I just thought you’d like to know while you two have been playing, uh, odd couple, your real friends like Cas, like the angel you stabbed, Gadreel, they’re out there right now risking their asses to help you win this fight.”

Tell him, Sam! Dean is plucking my last nerve this season.

“So Gadreel bites the dust. And the Angel tablet, arguably the most powerful instrument in the history of the universe is in pieces, and for what, again? Oh, that’s right. To save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately it was always about saving one human, right? Well, guess what, he’s dead, too.”Okay, so we all know how this scene goes—Cas has the broadcast going out to all the Angels. So, that means if there were any Angels unaware of the whole Destiel phenomenon, well, they’re aware now!

And that goes along with my whole, “Dean and Cas won’t have to ever really say anything about them in Heaven” theory. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Also, can we talk about how crazy it is that Metatron is there with the Angel blade covered in Dean’s blood, his hands red with it, and he’s about to stab Cas, too?

Like, I’m mad glad they weren’t killed with the same blade, but tragic as this show can be, it would have been poetic!

S10E1 -

“I think I might’ve found something.” “Oh, good.”

And while Sam knows that Cas is bad-off, he’s still keeping him up-to-date on the search for Dean. He’s still trying to include him. Because nobody cares more about Dean than Sam and Cas.

“Actually, you know what, now that I’m looking at this more, I think I, uh, I think I jumped the gun here, buddy.” “No, Sam, you said it was something.” … “You need to be worrying about yourself. I really shouldn’t have bothered you.”

Sammy’s the more sensitive Winchester, and he can hear how bad off Castiel is. He’s trying to let Cas off the hook, and Cas knows well enough to realize he’s going to be more hindrance than help.

“How are you, Sam?” “Good. I’m. I’m alright. I’m just tired, you know? I’ll be better when we get him back. After I kick his butt.”

When “we” get him back. Because he’s Sam’s brother and Cas’ love.

I mean, you can’t tell me sensitive Sam hasn’t been tracking this whole thing for years and quietly waiting for Dean to put the pieces together.

“I miss him.” “Yeah.” “Why would he just disappear?” “Who says he had a choice?” “Well then who wrote the note? Do you think there’s any chance… any chance at all that Dean is still-” “Still even remotely Dean?”

They’re both hurting. And they both know it.

That’s what so fascinating about this brothers-in-law thing that Sam and Cas have going on here.

During this conversation, they’re pulling each other along. They’re both trying to find truth, trying to cling to possibilities, trying to believe they haven’t lost Dean forever.

Hope is a helluva drug.

“Well, perhaps I’ve been down here with them for too long. There’s seemingly nothing but chaos, but not all bad comes from it. Art, hope, love, dreams.” "But those are human things.” “Yes.”

The way Castiel whispers the “yes” kills me. I mean, Cas knows what it is to be human. He was as close to human as an Angel can get. But, he’s still an Angel.

And these things he just listed… aren’t for him. Right?

While it’s doubtful the delivery directly related to Destiel, I like to think it somewhat did. Because, it’s a reminder of what Cas wants that he cannot have—love.

Or, at least he thinks he can’t have it. And belief is powerful.

S10E2 -

Do they want us to want Hannah and Castiel? Gosh, no. Please, no.

Like, Meg I was onboard with. You give me Megstiel and I can roll with that if you won’t let me have Destiel. Meg was an awesome character, and she and Cas brought out interesting things in one another.

But, you killed her a few seasons back, and I just cannot get onboard with this Angel who rolled into town and thinks she’s got anything over Castiel’s love for Dean Winchester this late in the game.

Dean and Cas have been solidly acting as life partners for several years, now. We’re post first Widower Arc and moving ever closer to the second one (which is far worse), so back off, bitch.

“Cas, Dean’s a demon.” “Dean’s a demon? How?”

You can feel the heartbreak, here. It’s not that they can’t get Dean back from something like this, but it’s not a surefire thing. And it complicates everything.

“Castiel, I think the Winchesters are a bad influence on you.”

I knew it! I knew I didn’t like this bitch. Can we dump her from the moving vehicle, now? She’s an Angel. She’ll be fine.

“Sam and Dean may be a bit rough around the edges, but they’re the best men I have ever known. And they’re my friends.”

It’s an easy code word. “Friends”. Because what else can he say?

“Did you have a good dream?” “Well, I, uh, don’t really dream.”

Okay, this makes the Empty hurt even more. Can you imagine spending your entire life dreaming, and the first time you get to experience dreams it’s agony!? Oh, our sweet little Angel!

S10E3 -

“Sometimes enough is whatever you have.”

I love this line. I love it a lot. It has nothing to do with Destiel, but the very first time I heard it I had to stop and rewind to listen, again.

I think of so many great stories—fiction and non—that aren’t about a “chosen” one or someone who is superhuman. Some of the most incredible stories of survival and heroism come from every day people doing what they can with what they have.

Sometimes, we spend so much time looking for a savior to remedy all our woes and fears that we don’t realize how much we can do ourselves. No, we can’t meet every need. We can’t fix every problem.

But if each of us chooses something to carry for another, we can change this world in small ways that have big impact. We can make a difference for those whose voices are squelched by inequality and bigotry.

I want this on a plaque on my wall along with my other favorite quotes to remind me.

A few favorites: “Be Curious, Not Judgmental.” “When You Have More Than You Need, Build a Longer Table, Not a Higher Fence” “She Believed She Could, So She Did”.

I want this one on the wall with them.

Anyway, back on the screen, Sam calls and Castiel distances himself from the grabby Angel.

“I’m trying to keep our priorities clear.” “Not to worry, then. I am very clear on my priorities. And yours.”

Bitch, please. You rolled up into town and think you can glomp onto Castiel when the Angel gave up an army for Dean Winchester?

Honey, step off and step outta this club, because nobody’s buying you any drinks.

“Yes, it’s hers, but she was killing your girlfriend.”

Your read on this one is a little off Crowley. Our Angel Castiel wants nothing to do with that skank ass bitch.

And, to be clear, I write a lot of silly, silly stuff. I think the actress is doing a really lovely job.

Nothing I ever say about a character has anything to do with a performer unless I name them, and that’s because I want to compliment them on something that stands out in a positive manner.

Just to be clear!

“Well, I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but also such profound pain. This is easier.”

I don’t think Castiel fathoms how different he is from other Angels, how close he is to human.

Because, the Empty doesn’t say he’s going to have a moment he thinks is joy. It’s his moment of joy that summons it.

So, dear Angel, you feel more than you realize.

“You look terrible.” “Yeah, it wouldn’t kill you to lie every now and again. … Well, you on the other hand, you… looking good. So, are you back?” “At least temporarily.”

I like when Dean Winchester compliments his Angel’s appearance. And we know Castiel does, too!

“Well, thank you for, um, stepping in when you did. What does Sam say? Does he want a divorce?”

Dean… you can’t divorce a sibling. I mean, I guess you could if you married them, but I’m pretty sure that’s still illegal in the United States.

“Dean, you two have been through so much. Look, you’re brothers. It’d take a lot more than trying to kill Sam with a hammer to make him want to walk away.” “You realize how screwed up our lives are that that even makes sense?” {Cas chuckles} “I’m glad you’re here, man.”

If I’m remembering correctly, they haven’t been in a room together since 9x22. And here, it’s yet another example of how far they have come—Cas’ words are actually the kind that speaks to Dean. Dean is listening to him.

And Dean may not know how bad off Castiel was, but he does know that it’s been a fight for him, and that despite everything—Cas showed up. Again.

Before leaving, Cas suggests Dean take a little time off. He knows the impact the Mark has had on him, that it will continue to have on him. Grounding can’t be a bad idea.

S10E04 -

And we open next episode with Dean and Sam hanging out, sitting by the water, sipping beers. So, maybe he did listen to Cas.

“Taking some we time. Best decision we ever made.”

Yes, a good decision. Influenced by your Angelic boytoy. And, no, Dean doesn’t need to mention him here, because the brothers hanging out in a non-kill-the-thing way is always a good time, but I like to call it out.

Because Dean is listening to Cas. That’ll come back in S15E18, so I like to point out when the seeds are planted along the way.

S10E07 -

Ah, yes, Supernatural the Musical! One night only! Look, I did Musical Theater in High School, so I get this world very well. I was Karen in Quilt and Marie Paroo in The Music Man.

Yes, I did Community Theater, College Theater, and a little professional theater later, but High School theater is its own world. And I find it hilarious that before Dean lied eyes on anything familiar, he was already pissed and Sam was already nostalgic.

I mean, it’s so them.

So, by the time we get to Destiel, Dean’s already been stewing in his “What is this shit?” attitude. And then Dean tries to tell her the truth because he’s had about enough when he finds out how Act II goes.

Right after getting told his life is the worst fan fiction ever told, he spies not only are the Cas and Dean of this musical standing close… they’re ahem.

“What are they doing?” “Um, kids these days call it ’hugging’.” “Is that in the show?” “Oh, no. Siobhan and Kristina are a couple in real life. Although we do explore the nature of Destiel in Act II.” “Sorry, what?” “Oh, it’s just subtext. But then again, you know, you can’t spell subtext without SEX.”

Why the fuck is Dean breaking the fourth wall, here? Don’t blame us. You two did this.

Ackles and Collins brought white hot chemistry to the table, combined with some suggestive moments and too much damn teasing.

I mean, it’s so jarring. I’m a theater girl. Breaking the fourth wall is one of those things that is used for emphasis, but if the writers or anyone is trying to tell people they’re out of their minds for shipping Destiel—stop making it so damn shippable.

I came into this ship six weeks ago with only Tumblr GIFs and the constant drumbeat of, “Oh, they were reading into it”. And after just a few episodes of watching them together, I thought, “well, shit. Here we go”.

Because chemistry isn’t a given. You can put two incredible actors in a room and they have zero chemistry. But the second Ackles and Collins were on-screen together, you can feel it.

And then the writing, the performances, and so many other things just affirmed it over and over, again. Framing. Camera movements. Music cues.

“I don’t understand.” “Me, neither.” “Shouldn’t it be Dea-stiel?” “Really? That’s your issue with this?” “No, of course it’s not my issue.”

But Dean’s discomfort was already apparent with the whole thing before the Destiel of it all. This whole thing sets him off. But that’s the bit Sam seems to fixate on.

Is it to make his brother squirm? Does he see the Destiel and is testing out how open Dean is to talking about it?

Because, I have my take on Dean and Cas’ love and what it might look like post-canon, but so does everyone else. We all have our own interpretations. And mind actually fits in with Dean’s reactions here.

But, more on that later.

“Casdean?” Shut your face. Get in the car.”

Sam seems… disappointed. Did you catch that? He wasn’t poking here, but trying to be clever. I just think Dean’s not ready for that conversation, yet. I don’t think he’s there, yet.

I honestly don’t think he’s there until Castiel is taken by the Empty… but I’m skipping ahead, again.

“Well, you did good out there, kid.” “You’re not so bad yourself.” “You know this has been… educational. Seeing the story from your perspective. You keep writing, Shakespeare.” “Even if it doesn’t match how you see it?” “I have my version and you have yours.”

I am laughing at myself, because I wrote that whole bit about “we all have our own interpretations” before watching the entire episode. So, I guess I was going along with Dean on that journey there, right?

Yeah, there are folks who don’t see it the way I see it, or the way you see it. There are some things in stories that have definite meaning and others that are open to interpretation.

If schools hadn’t insisted we read The Lady or the Tiger and The Lottery in English class so often, maybe we wouldn’t always be looking for meaning and trying to piece together intention.

Poetry. Art. Short Stories. Novels. Television. Film. We��re all searching for meaning and symbolism and understanding.

And because of our different perspectives and life experiences, we can look at the same text and see wholly different things.

I mean, even this Meta is purely my interpretation and my thoughts, and only two or three people are going to read this in its entirety because I’m writing way too much and because ultimately my opinion is meaningless.

Because, yes, while I have two Communications degree, grew up on film sets, and have a basic understanding of the film industry to go along with my film minor—I’m just a fan. I’m one of you. And this is just one person’s view of a collective experience.

Wild when you pull back to look at it like that, eh? Humanity’s so bloody complicated and so beautiful.

The fact that some of us can come together to share in our love of Destiel—whatever our personal headcannon—is truly magic.

Oh, and fuck you, Chuck.

S10E07 -

“These feelings aren’t for me, for us.”

I understand where Hannah is coming from, I do. But I also wonder if this played more into Castiel’s hatred of himself—of the love he felt for Dean. Because he didn’t think he—as an Angel—deserved those feelings.

Gosh, he and Dean are so damn alike.

S10E09 -

“My Dad. Is he still in there?” “No. … Your father is in Heaven.”

Unlike Castiel’s. But, the ambiguity here drives me nuts because back in “My Bloody Valentine”, which is Season 5, Castiel talked about his hunger coming from Jimmy…

Maybe it was an oversight, I don’t know, but it was the first thing that popped into my head considering Cas was first decimated to a subatomic level in Season 4. It could be as simple as they hadn’t decided whether Jimmy was dead or not, yet.

And, binging to the level I’ve binged this show thanks to Netflix wasn’t exactly easy, either.

I come from the era of recording Star Trek: Voyager on VHS in 6-episode chunks to mail to each other cross-country because not everyone (us included) had UPN. So, yes, I remember the old texts well.

“You’ve changed.”

Everyone notices. Everyone sees it. Castiel has already come so far.

And it struck me, recently, that for Dean and Cas, part of their journeys is both learning to do something so innate and simple to Sam—see the world in shades of grey instead of black and white.

Claire can see it, even if she’s still not warming up to the Angel whose wearing her Dad’s skin suit. Gosh, I bet she could never watch Invasion of the Body Snatchers or Texas Chainsaw Massacre with her friends in school.

“I was convinced I was on this righteous path. Now I realize there is no righteous path. Just people trying to do their best in a world where it’s far too easy to do your worst.”

They give Cas a lot of beautiful lines this season. I mean, this is sort of evergreen, especially given the present political climate.

“I understand, but I need to know that Claire is safe. And I need your help.”

That gets him. That gets through to Dean every time. “I need you/I need your help” is almost a codeword for them. It has to be us, so help me.

Then, Dean sends Sam off to investigate while he hangs back with Cas to catch up. It’s so… sweet. So caring. So concerned.

A few seconds ago he was insisting this wasn’t worth their time, but Cas used their secret phrase and now he’s invested.

“Alright, so spill. What’s with the family reunion?” “I don’t know. Just been thinking about people. … I’ve helped some, but I’ve also hurt some.” “So, you’re having mid-life crisis.” “Well, I’m extremely old. I think I’m entitled.”

First off, I always love when Dean invites Castiel to talk about something. Dean hates to talk about things. But Cas likes to talk things out, and he knows it. And he likes that Cas confides in him.

“Cas, listen to me. There’s some stuff you just gotta let go. Okay? The people you let down, the ones you can’t save. You gotta forget about ’em for your own good.” “Is that what you do?”

Cas already knows the answer. Look at that smile on his face.

Dean’s trying to tell Castiel to do what he wishes he did. But Cas sees through Dean in a way nobody else can—partially because of Angelic whatnot, partially because love.

“That’s the opposite of what I do. But, I ain’t exactly a role model.” “That’s not true.”

Anyone else got “I loved the whole world because of you” in their head about now?

Also, can we talk about the fact that this is only their second scene together this season where they’ve been one-on-one? Their last scene—which was their first scene alone all season—was after Castiel came to Dean’s rescue during the Demon-fixing.

And here, Cas is giving Dean the most loving look. Dean doesn’t know what to do with that—but he also doesn’t see what Castiel sees in him. He doesn’t see himself as beautiful, as the one who does everything because of love.

But this scene shows me that Cas already does. He sees it.

And thanks to Horrible Hannah, he’s been reminded that what he feels is wrong and meant for humans, not Angels. So, he’s bottling up more than ever.

Too bad his love is so radiant that even though he’s trying to stuff it in the bottle it’s spilling out.

“How are you, Dean?” “Fine. {Cas cocks a head to the side} I’m great.” “No, you’re not.”

Watch how the facade falls away as Dean realizes he can’t bullshit Cas.

“Yeah, well, I’ve lost the black eyes, so that’s a plus. But I still have this.” “The Mark of Cain still affecting you? {Dean flashes to bloodshed} Dean?”

You can watch as Dean makes a decision. There are some things he can talk to Cas about that he can’t talk about with Sam. And, of course, the reverse is true.

Because the relationships are completely different. Sam is his brother. Cas is something else entirely, much as Dean tries to shove him in a familiar and safe box.

“Cas, I need you to promise he something.” “Of course.” “If I do go Dark Side, you gotta take me out.” “What do you mean?” “Knife me. Smite me. Throw me into the freakin’ sun. Whatever. And don’t let Sam get in the way, because he’ll try. I can’t go down that road again, man. I can’t be that thing again.”

Castiel committed before he knew what Dean needed. And this really sucks. But, Castiel understood before that if all that was left of Dean was a Demon, he’d have to do what he’d have to do.

If Dean is gone… he’s gone. It doesn’t mean a part of Cas wouldn’t die with him. But we’re not to the point of Cas bringing on cosmic consequences to save Dean Winchester, yet, so Dean still thinks he can ask this of Cas.

“That won’t hurt me.” “Fine.”

Claire turns the gun on the Winchesters. I mean, she’s barely been around these guys and even she knows the Winchesters are Castiel’s soft spot. Yikes.

“Give me a shot of, um-” “Three whiskeys.”

Dean finishes the order. It’s not going to do much for Cas, they know, but even he feels the need for a drink tonight.

S10E10 -

Dean walks in on Sam and Cas talking about him, and it doesn’t take long before Cas can’t meet his eyes, despite Dean looking between the two most important people in his life.

It’s only when Dean asserts the Mark has got to go that Cas looks up—because he knows more than they do—and he knows that’s just not in the cards without something far more powerful than anything they have at their disposal.

“This is not about me.” “Of course not, the great Castiel never stoops to such selfishness. So, what is is then? Oh, I see.

All it takes is a look at a Winchester to know why he’s coming down.

“Listen, man, if I could make it better, I would.” “That’s actually why I’m here. I was hoping you might reach out to her.”

Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that, either. The girl called Dean a monster, and said the fact that you tried to defend him was enough for her to never trust you. Like, bro, what the hell?

“I thought there would be a connection—one extremely messed up human to another.”

Okay, Dean’s reaction to that is priceless.

See, that’s the thing I love about Cas in the later seasons—his love for Dean isn’t blind. He loves Dean as he is, in spite of his failings and faults, because of his brilliance.

And, to me, that’s the truest kind of love any of us could hope to find—a love that sees us, recognizes us, lifts us up, helps us do better, helps us love ourselves, and does not falter when we fall.

Dean Winchester has this in Castiel. He just doesn’t know it, yet.

“I like texting. Emoticons. … He seems calm.”

This just goes to prove that Cas was playing up his awkwardness to try to deflect Dean’s concern. Well done, little Angel!

“I have to take him back.” “Cas, this won’t happen, again.” “I gave my word. I have fences to mend in heaven, and as it is, I have a lot to explain.”

Cas takes that last bit to Dean. Yes, they knew what was going on with him. But Cas is still pissed.

Side Note: Thank you, Claire, for telling him he needed the tie back. It is a better look.

S10E11 -

Though Cas isn’t even here in voice this episode, Sam is calling him with updates on Dean.

And, like, I know we can claim the “best friend” thing like Dean does, but Castiel is Dean’s person and Dean’s little brother knows it.

S10E13 -

“What did Cas say?” “Uh, good news, bad news. Bad news, he discovered Riverboat gambling. Good news, he thinks he might be closing in on Cain.”

Oh, Castiel, no. But, I do love when they mention him when he’s not there. I know it’s a silly thing, but it shows he’s constantly with them even when he’s not with them, ya know?

“My peace is helping people.”

Castiel once asked Dean which he wanted, peace or freedom. And while there will be peace when he is done (if he ever learns to accept it), this is where he finds peace in the meantime.

“I’m done trying to find a cure, Sammy.” “Dude, Cas is so close.” “To what? We don’e even know if there is a cure. So far we’ve got nothing … and maybe Cas is onto something with Cain. Maybe.”

Dean’s state of mind is always so intriguing. He’s always beating himself up, and always pushing himself so hard and thinking that he has to do everything for everyone else.

He’s ready to die. It stops the hope.

We’ve said before that hope is a dangerous drug… and Dean’s done flirting with it. But, golly, sometimes you wish the stubborn ass wouldn’t give up so easily.

S10E14 -

“Cas is still not answering.”

Your boytoy’s a bit busy, love.

“But don’t worry about Dean. I’ll get to him… in due time.” {Angel blade out}

Cain disappears, but no doubt Dean got a very quick taste of Castiel’s allegiance to Dean, his concern for Dean. Does he know it’s love? I’m not sure.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t bring better news, Dean.” “It’s not your fault, Cas.”

Castiel is heartbroken, but he doesn’t know Dean had already given up any hope of getting outta this thing alive.

“When your pet Angel found my burial site, I thought about ending him, and swatting him like a fly.”

Okay, Cain already knows about Destiel, for damn sure. And is this the first time anyone’s referred to Castiel as Dean’s pet? It may be!

“And then you'd kill the angel Castiel. Now that one, that I suspect would hurt something awful. And then, then would come the murder you'd never survive, the one that would finally turn you into as a much of a savage as it did me.”

Welp, Cain’s got a good handle on the situation. Sam is Dean’s number one, yes. But second to Sam for Dean in importance is his Angel—Castiel.

Like, seriously, the fact that Dean still can’t see it is a testament to his trauma, his stubbornness, and his adherence to a heteronormative expectation of who he is.

But, we all know that Dean doesn’t always see himself so clearly, and I truly expect that’s what is at play. I know I’ve talked about it a lot, already, but there are so many different kinds of love!

“So, where’s the blade?” “Somewhere safe.” “Good.”

See? Trust is a form of love, too.

Dean pats Castiel’s shoulder as he passes—a sign of affection. Then, he pats him several more times before walking by.

“How is he? Sam?” “Cas… Dean’s in trouble.”

And here we have the brothers-in-law, again, being honest with one another. They’re holding Dean together with duct tape and determination, but they can both see how bad it is… how bad it can be. How much farther there’s left to fall.

S10E16 -

“The life I live, the work I do. I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me. Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran outta gas. I guess I just thought sooner and later I’d go out the same way I lived, pedal to the metal and that would be it. … now, um, recent events, uh, make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s things, there’s people, feelings, that I want to experience differently that I have before, or maybe even for the first time. … yeah I’m just starting to think that maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.”

Okay, y’all were not lying about this confession scene. I mean, there’s so much to it, so many layers, and so many things he’s saying that can definitely take us into Destiel territory.

But I guess I’m gonna be the weirdo here who sees it a little differently—because to me Dean’s talking about everything and nothing, and so much.

I’ve faced my oncoming death. Nine weeks after my twins were born, my husband had to drive me to the Emergency Room lying flat on my stomach in the backseat, screaming in pain. Despite my high pain tolerance, holding in the screams was too much.

I had a cyst the size of an orange completely invisible from the skin-level pressing in against my nervous system. My body was inundated with infection, and it took hours to even stabilize me for emergency surgery.

After fighting infertility for years, I was finally a mother to two incredible babies. And I had to face the very real possibility that the last kisses I gave them before we left the house were going to be the last I’d ever give them.

You wonder what you would’ve done differently. How you would have lived differently. What you’d do if you only had more time.

It’s that finality of knowing that it’s here—your death. Dean hasn’t faced it quite like that before. Sure, something could happen at any point, but any of us could be hit by a truck at any moment.

That’s different from knowing something’s killing you. I know.

Yes, I think we can definitely take that some of this is Dean talking about love. He doesn’t have a lot in that department. He’s tried to live a life that looked like a good one, but it never quite fit.

Dean talks to Sam later about finding someone who understands the life. Of course, he’s talking about Sammy, but I think it applies to Dean, too. Maybe he wants more real out of his life.

I mean, he didn’t even get his own bedroom until the whole Men of Letters Bunker became a thing. He’s lived a borrowed life, in rundown hotels and friends’ floors.

Permanence. Commitment. Consistency. Besides Sam, Dean’s gone most of his life without that.

And, yes, I know Cas is an exception to that. Sometimes Cas has gone AWOL and fucked up majorly, yes, but by Season 10 he and Dean have enough balance and trust that they know they’ll always come back to each other.

So, I don’t think the confession is specifically about pining for his feathered friend. But I think there are elements, there, that definitely lend themselves to exploration of more of himself—of breaking out of the expected, boxed-in approach to feel and live in a new way.

Oh, and I guess I should say, I was diagnosed with Chronic Pilonidal Disease. The year after that was agonizing, excruciating, and marred with bad medical advice. I learned how to clean with my feet because it was so painful to sit/bend/or crouch. I can still turn off lights and open doors with my foot.

And this is the abbreviated version because this is the Destiel meta, not the Rachel recounts one of her several chronic, incurable conditions. But, don’t worry! I’m very blessed with the life I lead. Most people have no idea the chronic, daily pain I’m in, and I celebrate that I still have a life to lead.

I had a second surgery a year later under a different doctor. That gave me my life back. But I will always have this condition, and that’s why I walk almost every single day and lead an active life—to keep it from coming back again. So I can live.

When you don’t see a way out, when you think “this is just your life”, it’s so damn easy to lose hope. Thank goodness Dean has Sam to keep it burning for him.

S10E17 -

Sammy’s scheduling secret rendezvous with his brother’s boyfriend, again.

And, I’m sorry, pretending to go to Wichita and not mention the BTK Strangler considering Sam’s obsession with True Crime and serial killers is a missed opportunity.

Yes, I took a Criminal Justice course at Uni and that was my chosen Serial Killer. No, I don’t know what I was thinking, either, but it was wild when he was caught a year after I researched him.

“Where’s Dean?” “This is about Dean.” “Is he?” “He's getting worse.”

Yup. Brother and Boyfriend, united again to protect one Dean Winchester from himself.

“Don’t say it.” “Do you think I want this? I’m not a fan of this, either. … everything else we’ve tried has been a dead-end. So-” “So, I’ll drive.”

Sam actually seems a little surprised. Honey, this Angel’d do anything for your brother.

“Hello, Castiel.” “Hannah.”

Fucking HANNAH!? Oh, come on. Now I see why you didn’t want to do this.

S10E18 -

“Cas?” “Can I just kill him now?”

I laughed aloud while my kids were sleeping. Oh. My. Gosh, Castiel. This is one of the reasons you’re my favorite, Angel.

“We will find a cure for Dean.” “I don’t know what you’d want to cure that little firecracker now. He’s finally interest-”

Laughing. Again.

That was amazing, Castiel. I was curious about the choice to shift the phone to the ear when you can clearly hold the wheel with one hand and the phone with the other, but that was bloody genius.

Also, Protective Hubby Mode Activated!

“Like, who are you now? Like, you’re obviously not an Angel of the Lord. … So tell me, Castiel, truly. What is your mission now?”

Angels are so obsessed with missions—with reasons. With a raison d’être. Could an Angel who isn’t Castiel truly understand real love? I’m not sure.

All we know of Angels besides Castiel is allegiance and alliance. Blind devotion in place of weathered and worn, grown and gathered love.

Because Castiel—our Castiel—is not only unlike other Angels, but unlike any other iteration of himself. And our Castiel’s purpose has been to help his friends, to help humanity, to help the world.

And the other Angels just can’t wrap their minds around it.

“Whats the maddest thing a man can do? Let himself die.”

Another banger line for Castiel. Gee wiz. And restoring his Grace is so powerful… even this tiny, tiny bit that it blows everything out. His wings are tattered, but they’re there. Our Angel is back.

“Can’t, you just, you know, cure Dean?” “Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.” “Oh, never is, is it?”

We could be talking about so many things here. And, yes I’m going to draw a Destiel parallel.

Because I think a lot of things are complicated beyond imagination, but I know this to be true—Castiel loves Dean Winchester, and Dean Winchester loves Castiel.

We can quibble and squabble about particulars until we’re blue in the face—because we all have those different perspectives and experiences I’ve mentioned before.

But I think the reason so many flock to this ship in spite of all that is because we can all see that same base, simple fact—it’s love.

Whatever it is, however we try to identify it… it’s love.

So, maybe maybe some things are that simple.

“Did we just become best friends?” “Hey, look who decided to show.”

Okay, these two lines behind each other are insane. Because everyone knows who Castiel’s best friend really is, and he’s the one to bust into the conversation to save Cas from having to explain it. Boo-yah!

Yes, I know nobody uses that anymore. I’m old. We’ve established this.

Also, the way Charlie looks from Dean to Cas? Girlfriend knows what’s up. I knew I always liked her!

“So, you’re back. 100%? How did that happen? … I told you we were due for a win. Good to have you back, pal.”

Dean pats him on the arm, and the four of them share a meal where Sam is trying so damn hard to be normal. Also, this song!? Gosh, this show has incredible song choices.

And Dean laughing at Castiel’s fate on the paper finger puzzle makes me want to make one for old time’s sake. Between that and HOUSE and all the other things we used to do.

Look, young folk, pre-internet was simpler times. And a lot of it involved paper. Those finger puzzles to tell your future, passing notes in class, making paper footballs to play with on the table when the teacher wasn’t looking.

It was a simpler time.

S10E19 -

“Maybe kill a few humans? Kill Cas? Kill your brother?”

Dean is under a spell, so this is him talking to himself, somewhat. Yeah, he knows this all sucks.

“You gonna get Sam and Cas to put you down. You really think they’re gonna keep that agreement? Come on. Dean, let’s say they do. Do you think they will ever recover from that? It will ruin them. The little backup plan of yours, I know you've been thinking about it for a time. I know it’s been gnawing at you. You can’t leave that job to them.”

Oh, great, Dean. Great. Talk yourself into suicide because that won’t ruin them.

S10E20 -

“Look, Cas, we’re always glad to help, but Claire and I aren’t exactly on the best of terms. Should I even be here?” “I need help from both of you. You were both troubled teens. You both speak her language.”

I love how they both are like, really, Cas!? on that one.

SIDE NOTE: I always love when my friends who had cookie-cutter, nuclear families and upbringings are always so sad when I mention something not-so-fun from childhood. I mean, just a mention. Nothing makes you feel weirder than when your “normal” friends get incredibly emotional about something that happened to you that you now shrug at.

Ugh, I relate too much to bloody Dean.

“I’m saying she might be stronger on her own.”

Really, Dean? Really!? Now, you’re the one trying to prepare Cas for you to be gone, the same way he tried to prepare you in Purgatory when he knew he was going to stay behind?

You’re both such frustrating little Muppets.

“What did you do to him?” “I didn’t lay a hand on him.” “Dean, that isn’t exactly true.” “Well, I didn’t kill the guy.”

Sam’s surprise at the whole thing is wild, but I think it helps Claire with her trust of Cas to see him calling Dean out like that. She doesn’t know he does it all the time.

“I’m coming with you.” “I’m coming with you, too.”

Oh, good, it’s contagious.

“Hey, Cas? What happened at the bar?” “Dean snapped. He’s getting worse.”

Boyfriend and Brother, at it, again. Because nobody knows Dean like they do.

“So you wanna bench me, again?”

And look at this shot where Dean swivels from tearfully looking at his brother to Cas. The two people who know him best, and they’re united on this.

“If anything happens, anything at all-” “Yeah. We’ll call you. No fighting.” “Yeah, tell her that.” “Both of you.”

Hahaha. Oh, gosh, I love when Cas takes charge with Dean. That last exchange of looks between them? Hell, yeah!

And Cas is so worried about Dean and his advice that he’s cross-checking with the more sensitive brother on whether or not to leave Claire alone. That’s the thing—Castiel loves Dean, but the blinders are off. And I appreciate that.

It’s the sign of a mature love. Not a foolish, puppy-dog one.

“Claire, what happened with your dad, I’m sorry, okay? I really am. But, uh, there’s something you gotta know. Your dad’s sacrifice was not meaningless. Yeah, he gave up his body, his, his vessel. And because he did that, Cas, Cas was able to save the world. The world. Your father’s a hero. He did not die in vain.”

Kinda crazy that the Number 2 guy she’s pissed at is the one defending the Number 1 guy she’s pissed at. But that’s what happens when you take beef with someone’s husband—Dean has Cas’ back.

And it says a lot about Dean that he’s not defending himself and his choices. He wouldn’t do that. That’s not him.

But we also know he doesn’t talk like this much. He doesn’t applaud or celebrate much. When he does, it has meaning and purpose. It’s honest and feels earned.

Also, can we talk about how smart Dean is? He doesn’t give himself a lot of credit, because he sees Sam as the smart one of the two. But they are smart in different ways, and watching him put together the whole “Angel Sword” thing made me want to hug him.

Yes, along with two Communications Degrees, I was a tutor for many years for young children, was an assistant teacher in college, and I wrote curriculum for training nonprofit satellite offices in foreign countries on best practices for disseminating media for informational and donation-driven purposes.

And one of the first things you learn is this—we all learn differently. We all see the world differently. And what works for you might not work for me.

Dean doesn’t see himself as smart because he sees Sam as smart, and doesn’t realize there are different kinds of smart.

Just as he doesn’t realize there are different kinds of love.

Welp, at least he’s consistent!

And where Cas gave Claire something soft and sentimental for her birthday, Dean gave her a gun. And, yeah, this is co-parenting summed up fairly accurately.

And this conversation between Amelia and Castiel is gutting. She knows it’s not Jimmy, but she’s come to trust the Angel. And he knows she’s too far gone to heal, but he stays with her, anyway, to tell her about her daughter.

And I just started five sentences in a row with “and”. Oy vey.

Dean hears something as he rounds the corner, and there’s Cas, also in fight mode.

“Dean.”

They both relax their posture as Claire and her mother reunite.

“Thank you. Thank you both.”

This is big. Guy Number 1 she hated and Guy Number 2 she hated just came through for her big.

Castiel is the first on to the Grigori, the first one to try to get to Claire and Amelia. But the Winchester boys are in there swinging, too. It’s a group effort. And when the Grigori’s about to gut Cas, it’s Claire who comes through.

In Heaven, Amelia finally finds Jimmy… waiting for her. And I do hope they’re the kind of soulmates who finally get to be together, who finally get to have a happily ever after.

And one minor, very interesting detail—Collins lets Jimmy cry differently than Cas.

I mean, it’s such a silly detail for someone to notice, but I was looking for it. He’s so good at distancing the physicality of the two roles, that I was curious how he’d play it.

Answer: Beautifully.

The boys take their turns talking to Claire in order of closeness. First, Sam. Then, Dean gives Claire a little present, and confirms he knows she got the big-ass Angel weapon. Like, how did you think you were sneaking that one, Claire-bear!?

But, also, he finds she kept the stuffed animal from Cas. People are multi-layered, Dean. You are, too. You just don’t give yourself enough credit.

“Will you keep an eye on him? He’s been through enough.” “So have you.”

This one’s fascinating to me. Because she would never ask that of Sam. She just wouldn’t. Some part of her is already aware of the Destiel of it all. She can see it, and that’s why she asks Dean to be the one to watch over Cas.

“And we’re here if you need us, anytime.”

We’ve come a long way from Dean telling Cas not to worry about Claire. It’s one of those situations where one spouse brings hold a stray, the other insists they are not keeping it, and they end up falling in love with the damn thing.

Ah, yes, Destiel’s first adopted kid.

Claire hugs Castiel. The only one she hugs. Because while this is all still so damn hard, she has a better picture of Castiel now. Partly because of Dean, partly because of seeing him fight for her mom and her.

“Someone just tell me she’s gonna be okay.”

He may not be her father. But he cares. He cares more than any Angel before him and probably any Angel after. And that’s why we love the little Angel.

S10E21 -

“Cas. Are you in on this, too?” “Hell’s bells. More distractions? What are you? Witch or nerd?” “Angel.” “Beg pardon?”

First off, the fact that the Witch is immediately interested in the being walking in the door, regardless of what he is cracks me up. Yes, she’s known for going after powerful men, but right now I guess she’s just into rumpled, blue-eyed beauties.

Sorry, love. He’s taken.

“Wait, Dean doesn’t know?”

Yes, Cas and Sam have worked some things behind Dean’s back before. But it always goes bad, right? I mean, the show only works because none of these people has any clue how to communicate in a healthy manner, I know.

But, geez, kids, you’ve been at this a while. Think you’d’ve learned something by now!

“Sam, this never ends well.”

That’s what I said! Thank you, Cas!

“That’s exactly what I said.”

I love that she punched his shoulder, again, like last time. That made me giggle. But, seriously, Sam. What the fuck?

“For Dean.” {Charlie looks to Cas} “Cas?”

And it’s Sam looking for Cas’s confirmation.

“Okay. For Dean.”

Damnit, Sam. You knew exactly how to manipulate Cas.

“Cas?” “Sam.” “No, it’s Dean.”

I love how Castiel can lie if he has time to prepare, but caught off-guard, he really struggles with it. Like, there are times he straight up plays the Winchesters with ease. But then there are times like now where he totally fumbles.

“I made it real clear how I felt. You ever consider that? And then you pull Cas into it and Charlie.” “Charlie loves you, Dean. We all love you.”

Wait, so Sam was the first one to put “Love” in there!? Yeah, you know what, that totally tracks. Yes, Balthazar said something back in the day, but this is our community—someone on the inside.

S10E22 -

“Stop looking at me.” “I'm sorry. You’re just fascinating.”

Okay. I have to pause and laugh a little. Rowena, I’ve been over-using that word this entire Meta, but only because it’s true!! The little Angel is fascinating.

“An Angel that rejected Angels. Thats like a fish that wants to fly or a dog that thinks he’s people.” “Well, I’m a lot like people.” “Keep telling yourself that, dear.”

Ah, yes, feeding into his “I can’t be allowed to love, that’s for humans” fear. Well done, Rowena.

“What about her?” “Guess.” “I’d be happy to kill her, she just called me a fish. What about Dean?”

Okay, the fish line made me laugh aloud. I love this little Angel so much.

Like, he reminds me so much of one of my kids, sometimes. Yes, my sweet, Autistic/ADHD Middle child. He’s so brilliant, and every so often something comes out of his mouth that is so hilarious and ridiculous that you have to laugh.

Matt showed him the first few moments of La La Land the other day, and his reaction was, “Are they singing on the freeway? Why are they dancing on cars! That’s illegal. No wonder the traffic’s so bad!”

But, back to the Meta, now Cas wants to know about Dean.

“Cas, go find Dean, make sure he doesn’t go too far off the reservation, okay?” “What are you doing?” “I’m saving my brother.” “You told Dean-” “I know what I told Dean. Cas, look, I’ve been the one out there messed up and scared and alone. And Dean-.” “Did whatever he could to save you.”

Castiel’s coming around to that point of view where he’ll start doing anything to keep Winchesters alive, too. It’ll play out in later episodes, like with Billie. But it’s nice to see where the seeds were planted.

“Go. Find him, Cas. Keep him safe.”

This is a lot of trust that Sam is placing in Cas. But, he knows Cas will always do whatever it takes for Dean.

Dean goes on a little murder spree, feeding the Mark. It feels good, like the drugs that entice with highs insatiable with growing dependence—feeding the need instead of feeding the body, the mind, the heart. It overtakes everything.

And Cas can see just how far Dean’s gone… how close they are to losing him altogether.

“Dean! What have you done?”

But Dean can’t see how far gone he is. Just like Castiel with the Leviathans, there’s something within him that is speaking louder than his own voice.

“You can leave now, Cas.” “No, I can’t. Because I’m your friend.” “Really? Well, let me ask you something, you screw over all your friends?”

No, just you. Oh, I thought you said screw all your friends. My mistake.

“No. You’re not.”

Cas holds Dean so forcefully on that shoulder, on the shoulder, that Dean even glances down to regard it despite the haze of his murderous rage.

“Maybe you could fight the mark for years, maybe centuries, like Cain did. But you cannot fight it forever. And when you finally turn, and you will turn, Sam, and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I’m the one who will have to watch you murder the world, so if theres even a small chance that we can save you, I won’t let you walk out of this room.”

Damn, Cas. Nice subtle slip in there that you know Dean loves you.

And, yes, I know that’s not the point of this scene. In fact, I’ve watched it a half dozen times and never noticed that, before. That little phrase in the middle.

Because what Castiel is saying, here, is that he’ll be there. He won’t leave him. He’ll still be here.

“Dean. I don’t wanna have to hurt you.” “I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem.”

And Dean beats the shit out of Cas. And Castiel doesn’t fight back. He tries to block shit, but he doesn’t fight it.

“Dean. Stop.”

And he stops. He turns around. Something is still in there, some shred of our Dean. Cas asked him to stop, as Collette asked Cain. But as he sees Cas back on his feet, he has to take him down.

As Dean grabs the Angel Blade, the music plays… the family song.

Dean grabs Cas’ tie in a completely heterosexual way as he raises the blade, and Cas grabs his arm, much as Dean grabbed his arm in Season 8’s Goodbye Stranger.

“No, Dean. Please.”

The blood pours from the mouth makes me wonder if he had a capsule in there that he bit down on. Looks like it to me, but the sheer volume of blood’s pretty wild.

And the “Please” takes me back to Heaven, Cas pleading with Naomi to stop it, to stop hurting Dean.

There’s enough Dean left in there that he can’t do it. He can’t kill Castiel.

“You and Sam stay the hell away from me. Next time, I won’t miss.”

He’s isolating. He’s scared. And as we end with Castiel regarding the blade, the final notes of the Family Song die out.

And, no, I don’t know if that’s what it’s actually called. It’s my affectionate name for it because of when I notice it playing.

S10E23 -

“Do you want to kill Dean? Because, I don’t. … We save Dean. “

Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test? It’s where you have two women in conversation and a man is never mentioned. It’s one of those things that as soon as you’re aware of it, you can’t get it out of your awareness.

Sometimes, I think if there was a version for how often Cas and Sam can get through a conversation without mentioning Dean they would absolutely fail almost every time.

Like, if you made it a drinking game, people would end up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning.

“Everyone loves something.”

Castiel should know. Even though he’s a bloody Angel, he knows that. And right now the being he loves most in the world is suffering. They're all just trying to save him.

And, of course, in saving Dean, they unleash something even more murderous upon the world. Dun. Dun DUN!!!

If I haven't scared you off, yet, you should check out Part IV. Thanks for reading!!

#meta #spn #this part could be called sam knows

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kiteblue42 · 2 months ago

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Part II - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

You came back!? I am so glad I didn’t scare you off, because Part I was long.

I mean, not as long as the Garashir Meta, but still hella long.

If you’re ready for Part II, I’m so excited to share it with ya!!

WARNING: I’m one fan and these are just my thoughts and opinions. We all have our own! I don’t think mine are any more valid than anyone else’s. They’re just mine.

SPOILERS: Everything is fair game. You are forewarned!

Are we ready? Yeah, I think we’re ready. Let’s dive in to Seasons 6-8!

S6E03 -

“Come on, Cas. Don’t be a dick. Got ourselves a plague-like situation down here. Do you copy?” “Like I said, son of a bitch doesn’t answer… he’s right behind me, isn’t he?” “Hello.” “Hello?” “Yes.” “I spent all that time trying to get through to you. Dean calls once and it’s ’hello’.” “Yes., So, what, you like him better or something?” “Dean and I do share a more profound bond. I wasn’t going to mention it.”

This whole thing is insane. Now, Cas will shortly correct them that he didn’t come down just because Dean asked—the timing had to do with the Staff of Moses.

But, the rest is true. Yes, Dean has a bond with Cas. And it goes both ways.

Kinda like Dean, am I right?

Okay, sorry. That one was just begging to be written. I’ll get back to the Meta.

“Just because we have some sort of a bond or whatever.”

One thing about Dean is no matter what people say about him and Cas, he never denies it. Have you noticed that? Whether one or the other is a “pet” or someone says Cas is in love with him, or they acknowledge Cas likes him… he never corrects them.

And here he goes so far as to confirm it. He literally says “just because we have some sort of bond”, here. He acknowledges that they do have a bond—something that is just between Cas and Dean.

And people had the nerve to tell y’all you were crazy. I am so sorry.

“You think I came because you called? I came because of this.” “Well, it’s nice to know what matters.”

I’m sorry, Dean, are you insulted your bond isn’t enough to drag Cas down from Heaven?! Like, there’s a note of disappointment in that tone. Wow!

“Sam, Dean. My people skills are rusty. Pardon me, but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wave of celestial intent. But, believe me, you do not want that weapon down here. Help me find it. Or more people will die.” “Alright. Okay.”

I like Cas’ little nod after Dean gets moving. He’s pleased. He’s thankful. He’s relieved. He got through to his human situationship. Win for the bond!

“There’s gotta be another way.” “There is no other way.” “You’re gonna torture a kid.” “I can’t care about that, Dean. I don’t have the luxury.”

And everything in my head is screaming “I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you”.

We aren’t there, yet, obviously. But the groundwork is laid for just how far Castiel will grow because of Dean.

I don’t know who’s on first, what’s on second.” “What is second?” “Don’t start that.”

Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship, right? These two don’t even speak the same language, yet, and somehow they’re already arguing like a married couple with poor Sammy in the middle.

“Why didn’t you tell us this? “I was ashamed. I expected more from my brothers. I’m sorry. Now, I need your blood.” “Woah, hey!”

I love how Dean protests, but still lets Cas have his blood. He still trusts Cas, even if he would have appreciated a heads-up first.

“I know. I’ve been hearing all about you, and as far as I’m concerned, you and me, Cas, nothing’s changed. We’re brothers. … You did more than rebel. You tore up the whole script and burned the pages for all of us.”

Brothers are complicated. I have two. They sometimes fought and sometimes conspired to hide rear end collisions from our parents (one hit the other from behind at a stop light… it was fine).

I’m the eldest in my family, with a half brother I was raised with, and a step-brother and step-sister who joined our family when I was 16. But my brothers are both my brothers.

And there are all sorts of brothers out there. The Winchesters are one kind. The Angels are another. And I’d pick the Winchesters any day if I had to pick the best brothers on this show, complicated and fucked up as they may be.

“Why won’t any of you listen?” “They don’t listen Castiel because their hearts are mine.”

And here we see that concept of Angel loyalty versus romantic love. But, Cas’ “loyalties” and “sympathies” are shifting deeper—and everyone can see it.

"Castiel, I stood for you in heaven. Are you going to let-“ “I believe the hairless ape has the floor.”

Cas looks meaningfully to Dean, to see him looking back. When Dean shifts to Balthazar, the Angel in the fire makes a quick assessment and chuckles to himself. Damnit, he clocked them. He cloked them fast.

And he realizes that it’s not gonna end well for him, because even if he and Castiel are brothers, Cas and Dean are something more. Yeah, he’s fucked. So, he does as the hairless ape says.

S6E06 -

“Did you call Cas?” “Of course I called Cas. He’s not answering. Screw him. I can’t wait anymore.”

We know that Cas is dealing with a literal war up there. He’s a bit pressed for time. And, honestly this is one of those arcs where I get super annoyed with the Winchester boys.

Like, Castiel has an Army to command to keep Armageddon from restarting and y’all have the audacity to criticize his response time!?

Cas is an imperfect character (because perfect characters are boring and don’t make any choices that are interesting to watch), but no wonder he fucking goes to the Dark Side with friends like y’all.

And, yes, Cas screwed the pooch at that Cross Roads. He really really did. But the Winchesters ain’t peaches this year, either, as far as their treatment of their emotional support Angel.

“Castiel. Hello? Possible loose nuke down here, angelic weapon. Kinda your department. You hear that Cas?”

Dean turns around and the camera swoops to show Cas.

“Hello Dean.” “Are you kidding me? I have been on red alert about Sam, and you come for some stupid horn?” “You asked me to be here and I came.” “I’ve been asking you to be here for days, you dick!”

Castiel is surprised by the attitude, but he doesn’t understand just how huge it is for Dean to reach out for help, to pray to Cas, to believe in and trust him.

It’s a big shift in their relationship from Dean’s side because he wants Cas to be on his speed dial.

Yes, we still used Speed Dial back then. We also had a Top 8 on MySpace. It was a simpler time.

“I didn’t come about Sam because I have nothing to offer about Sam.” “Well, that’s great, because for all we know, he’s just gift wrap for Lucifer.” “No he’s… he’s not Lucifer.” “And how do you know that?” “If Lucifer escaped the cage, we’d feel it.”

This whole thing is kinda insane. Cas feels Dean’s anger, he doesn’t just see it.

And since he doesn’t have answers, he picks up the bottle and carries out a bloody act of service to show he cares. He is doing something for Dean because he can’t do what he wishes—give Dean answers about Sam.

My husband will do this, sometimes. If he knows I’m super stressed about work and struggling through the week, he’ll pick me up a latte or offer to drive the kids to an extracurricular. These little acts of service are his ways of helping me when he can’t help with the real issue.

Did I marry Castiel? Maybe… But I am definitely more like Dean, so I guess that makes sense.

“What is wrong with him?” “I don’t know Dean. I’m sorry.” “What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one.” “I’m at War.”

It’s already begun… Cas pulling away because he’s doing what he thinks needs to be done. He should have consulted someone, should have talked to his friends.

But we have to remember that Castiel is still an Angel trying to do this without human help.

Doesn’t make it right, let’s be clear. He’s still making the wrong choice. But we understand why he makes this choice just as much as we understand why Dean is lashing out at Cas. He’s lashing out at anyone who he perceives as not taking this Sammy thing as seriously as he is.

Doesn’t make it right. But at least we understand where the character is coming from.

“Well, nice seeing you anyway.” {Dean turns away}. “Dean.” “What?” “About your brother. I, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but I do want to help. I’ll make inquiries.”

Cas wants to help. He wants to do things for Dean, still. But he’s hiding a big fucking secret, and that type of thing inevitably leads to distance. Just as Dean is reaching out, Cas is pulling back. It’s heartbreaking, truth be told.

S6E07 -

Cas works to diagnose Sam, and once the “no sleeping" thing comes up, alarm bells go off in Castiel’s head. Cas looks to Dean and begins removing his belt. Dean notices, but doesn’t seem as concerned as Sam does. I don’t know why, but that detail always makes me smile.

Dean’s like, “Well, okay, Cas, if you need to remove your belt, why not” whereas Sam is wondering what the hell Cas is going to do with the belt.

“Well, recap it for our wingman.” “You’re scrawnier than I imagined.” “This is a vessel. My true form is roughly the size of your Chrysler building..” “All right, alright, quit bragging.”

I’m sorry, is Dean commenting on the size of… ahem Cas? Because, He’s an Angel.

Like, crazy amount of wings and eyes and not a penis to be found. But, it’s another example of Dean’s joking about sex to cut through the tension in a room.

“I’m in the middle of a civil war.” “Well, you better tear the attic up. Find something to help Sam.” “Of course. Your problems always come first. I’ll be in touch.”

Like, seriously, Dean. What the fuck!? He is literally fighting a War and you’re like, “but my baby brother!”

And, yes, Cas is also doing stupid, horrible things in the name of this war, but Dean shows so little concern for it that why the fuck would Cas trust him with his batshit plan now!?

These boys just cannot communicate.

S6E10 -

“I’m mid-battle, Sam.” “I could give a rat’s ass about your little pissing match with Raphael. … If you don’t help us now, I will hunt you down and kill you.” “Will you, boy? How? … You need help, Sam.” “I need your help.”

This is part of my “you boys are treating your friend like shit and it’s no wonder he made the worst possible choice when you’re treating him like your own personal rent-an-Angel that you never intend to full pay off” rage fest.

“You don’t watch porn in a room full of dudes. and you don’t talk about it. Turn it off.” … “This is what you boys do? Sit around and watch pornos with Angels?” “We’re not supposed to talk about it.”

Cas is exploring the idea of sexuality. Yes, one time Dean tried to get him laid. And we know Cas of the Endverse timeline enjoyed his orgies.

But this is the first time our Cas is exploring the idea of sex and sexuality, and he’s absolutely… surprised by it and his own reaction. Now, was he reacting to the scenario of guy on girl action? Or more the idea of sexuality in general? Hard to know.

From what we’ve seen in the show, he’s not against exploring sexuality with women, and I’m writing this whole bloody meta because of course he’d be up for exploring it with Dean.

But sex isn’t what drives Castiel. He feels far more asexually coded to me. But, again, I could be reading too much into it because of my own life experience.

Cas finds love with Dean. And, for him, that doesn’t need sex. But we’re a long way from that point, when he’s still trying to understand humanity and what it is to be human while still being an angel in a human vessel.

Also, Jimmy, I’m so glad you were already in Heaven at this point. If you were fully aware of what the Angel were doing, I can only wonder if you’d think, “I gave up my life for this!? So the angel can get a boner using my dick!?” Jimmy, my man, I am so sorry.

“You know, Cas, you could help:. … “I’m not sure retrieving Sam’s soul is wise.” “Wait, what? Why?” {Dean crosses closer to Cas} “I want him to survive.” “What are you talking about?”

We switch to a wide shot, finally seeing their positioning and… Hold the phone… Cas is sitting on a bed again? Is this just Misha Collins giving the middle finger to whoever didn’t want him sitting on beds!?

I seriously paused and giggled the first time I saw this.

“Sam’s soul has been locked in the cage with Michael and Lucifer for more than a year and they have nothing to do but take their frustrations out on him. Do you understand? If we try to force that mutilated thing down Sam’s gullet, we have no idea what will happen. It could be catastrophic.” “You mean he dies?” “I mean he doesn’t. Paralysis, insanity, psychic pain so profound that he’s locked inside himself for the rest of his life.” “But you’re saying you don’t know anything for sure. I mean, he could be fine.” “He could be, yes.” “Okay then-“

Cas is trying to protect Dean and Dean is trying to believe in the impossible. Because this is Sam, his baby brother. He’d do anything for Sam.

And Cas is trying to protect Dean from the possible heartbreak of destroying his own brother by trying to fix him.

“But I sincerely doubt it., well if he’s not fine, then you fix him., Dean, I wouldn’t know where to begin.” “Then you figure it out, Cas. Come one. {Dean steps closer} I mean, the guy’s a friggin replicant. He needs his soul.”

Something stops Dean… something he sees in Cas’s face. He backs off the intensity, but doesn’t move out of Cas’ personal space. I mean, for a guy who tried to tell Cas off about it, he invades Cas’ space more than the other way around!

“Look, we get it back, and if there are complications, then we will figure out a way to deal with those, too.” “Of course. {Dean walks away} Or we fail, and Sam suffers horrifically.”

Gosh, this is these two in a nutshell at this point. Dean is all “we’ll figure it out” and Cas is so damn afraid.

“What was that?” “I learned that from the pizza man."

Okay, first off, Misha Collins can kiss. This Ace girl is sitting here going, “Wow, not bad!”

Second, Dean’s reactions during this whole thing are amazing. I just kept rewinding (yes, I still use that term… I’m old) and rewatching Dean processing the whole thing.

Dean starts with, “uh, Cas…” as he points between the door with the hellhounds and the kissing couple. Then, he sort of stops to just observe. Like, “Okay, this is a thing that’s happening now”.

When Cas pulls away and Meg speaks, Cas looks to Dean before he looks back to Meg and responds. And it takes a second for Dean to process that.

Like, he knew Cas was a virgin, but to realize this was his first kiss and he was that good!? Wow, Angel’s knocking it out of the park on the first time up to bat!

“I can’t see jack.”

That’s because he’s not here, yet, Dean. Give it time. You’ll see him soon enough.

“Castiel. Haven’t seen you all season. You the cavalry now?”

Rachel, you wrote this down because you thought it was funny and self-referential, but you missed the bigger picture. See, Crowley’s exaggerating to protect his little business deal. And I totally missed it the first time around.

“Well, she’s smart, I’ll give her that. I was gonna kill her, too. Of course, I’d have given you an hour with her first.” “Why would I want that?”

Oh, my sweet summer child.

“Thanks, Cas. If it hadn’t have been for you -“ “Crowley was right. It’s not going well for me upstairs.” “If there’s anything we can do-”

Ugh. Now you offer to help? After berating him for weeks about being too busy for your bullshit while he’s fighting a literal war!? Too little too late, Dean. Too little too late.

“There isn’t. I wish circumstances were different. Much of the time, I’d rather be here.” “Cas, we know you’ve got a steaming pile on your plate. There’s no need for apologies. We’re your friends.”

I think this is the first time Dean has told Cas they’re friends… that he has shown such gratitude for him… that he offered to help Cas however he needed, if he could.

And, oh, how I wish Dean had said something earlier.

No, I’m not pinning Cas’ shitty decisions on Dean. That’s completely unfair. But I wish Castiel realized just how much he means to Dean before he threw everything away on a deal with a demon.

S6E12 -

“His soul is in place.” “Is he ever gonna wake up?” “I’m not a human doctor, Dean.” “Could you take a guess.” “Okay. Probably not.” “Oh well don’t sugarcoat it.” “I’m sorry, Dean, but I warned you not to put that thing back inside him.” “What was I supposed to do? Let T-1000 walk around and hope he doesn’t open fire?”

Cas approaches Dean, invading his personal space. And I’m reminded of another show where one character invaded the other’s space attempting to assert dominance and instead created heat. These two have it, even when at odds.

“Let me tell you what his soul felt like when I touched it. Like it had been skinned alive, Dean. If you wanted to kill your brother, you should have done it outright.”

Ouch.

“I am so sorry.” Did Bobby-“ “Cas., Cas. Friggin child.” “You should have told me, Dean.” “You weren’t supposed to know.” “What I did? To Bobby? To you? Of course I should know.”

Dean is trying to protect Sam, I get it, but he didn’t tell Cas. So, that’s not about Cas being a child. That’s your being a shit communicator, Dean. Own up to your fuckery, man, and stop deflecting to Cas when shit goes sideways.

Trust me, you’ll have a real reason to be pissed at him soon enough and you should save your rage for then.

S6E15 -

“Maybe here there’s no supernatural, no magic.” “No demons, no hell, no heaven. No God?” “Something like. Even better… no angels”

There’s something interesting to Dean’s reaction there. I mean, yeah, most angels are dicks. But he does have an Angel for a friend.

“Cas, what the hell?” “Wait, you were in on this. Using us as a diversion.” “It was Balthazar’s plan. I would have done the same thing.” “That’s not comforting, Cas.” “When will I be able to make you understand, if I lose against Raphael, we all lose everything.” “Yeah, Cas, we know the stakes. That’s about all you’ve told us.” “I’m sorry about all this. I’ll explain when I can.”

Cas says all of that last bit to Dean. And you can hear the mounting desperation in his voice. He isn’t telling them everything because he’s trying to protect them. He’s trying to keep them out of it—but that is only making it worse.

Castiel, this is only going to end badly. So badly the next season you’re gonna lose your contract and get thrown back into Pilot Season. Er… your vessel will be, anyway.

Gosh, that bit is wild. I mean, to go from a Series Regular to Guest starring for two episodes only to kill your character off in the first five minutes of episode 2 and think, “Welp, that was fun!”

Because, let’s be clear, this type of stuff happens in TV land all the time, and it often has nothing to do with who likes who or anything personal. Writers Rooms sometimes make a choice where a character’s got to go, where it no longer fits the vision.

It happened recently on Sweet Magnolias where the Writers Room realized the inciting incident they needed was to kill off a main character in between seasons and off-camera. The guy was beloved by the team, but it was what the story needed.

If you look at the construction of Season 7, I can see how Castiel just didn’t quite fit where it was headed and what they were doing. So, no, there’s nothing Cas (or Misha Collins, for that matter) could have possibly done in reality to change that. It’s just the business.

But I can be catty with Cas for a bit for his utter ridiculousness this season.

S6E17 -

“Sorry, you have me confused with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trench coat who’s in love with you.”

Of course Balthazar’s going to be the first one to use “love” instead of “like”. He has no qualms about decorum and he’s going to call it like he sees it.

And Dean. Doesn’t. Correct. Him. He barely reacts to this news, because somewhere deep down I think he already knows.

I mean, if the smashing him up against the wall last season while shouting about everything he did for Dean wasn’t enough to clue Dean in on something, then he’s denser than I thought.

Dean has more layers than he lets on, maybe more than he realizes.

“You need new friends, Cas.” “I’m trying to save the ones I have, Dean.”

There’s something so soft in Dean’s response to this. Is this the first time Cas referred to them as friends in front of them? I can’t remember another time, but it strikes Dean especially.

“If you don’t go back and sink that boat, I’m gonna kill your two favorite pets.”

In one episode two celestial beings have called out Cas’ attachment to the Winchesters… oops. Word’s spreading!.

“I won’t let you.” “Oh yeah, what are you gonna do?” “Do you really wanna test me?” “Okay, fine. … Kill me, and Sam and Dean are target one. For simple vengeance. You’re not fighting a war or something, right? You can watch them every millisecond of every day. Because maybe you’ve heard, fate strikes when you least expect it. … Set things right before I flick your precious boys off a cliff just on principle.”

The truth is that Cas’ attention has been divided for far too long, and he knows Fate is right. He can’t be in all places at all times.

“Well, I insisted he go back in time and correct what he had done.” “What? Why?” “It was the only way to be sure you were safe.” “So, you killed 50,000 people for us.” “No, they were never born. That’s far different from being killed, wouldn’t you say?”

This sounds a helluva lot like Dean talking to his mom about him and Sam not being born, and how that might fix things.

“You’re the ones who taught me that you can make your own destiny. You don’t have to be ruled by fate. You can choose freedom.”

Oh, honey, it will be so, so long before you are totally free… before you feel ready to uncage yourself… so, this hurts a bit to hear knowing how far you have to go.

Also, he’s trying to talk to them, to reach them, to gain their absolution for what he’s about to do without having the guts to tell them.

He’s so damn afraid this season, and he lets that fear rule him and drive him to his worst self.

“I still believe that that’s something work fighting for. I just wanted you to understand that.”

He wants to tell them the truth so bad. If you go back and watch this after watching through, it’s so clear how much he wants them to know, to understand, to support his unreasonable and irresponsible plan.

“Titanic didn’t suck that bad. Winslet’s rack? {Cas leaves} I’ll tell you one thing about Cas, he does not appreciate the finer things.”

Oh, he does… but he defines it a little differently, love. Don’t worry. You’ll get there.

And I know this isn’t the point, but knowing how awfully Winslet was treated about her beautiful body during this film it made me shudder a little, that line above.

Perhaps it’s being a woman and knowing the impossible beauty standards to which we are held, and the process of reducing us to pieces of ourselves instead of whole humans for the sake of the patriarchy that makes that line hurt.

It’s not the point, I know, but I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t address it. Whoever you are, whatever gender or not, I hope you know you are beautiful just the way you are, and you don’t have to live up to anyone’s beauty standards.

S6E18 -

“Castiel {Dean actually stands and bows his head, this time}, the, uh, fate of the world is in the balance. So, come on down here. {Dean peeks for Cas} Come on, Cas. I dream of Jeanie your ass down here, pronto. Please.”

Castiel sends Rachel. And why the hell does the one person to have my name on this show have to be a total bitch?

Now, she isn’t wrong in what she says to Dean and Sam. Sam says they are Castiel’s friends, and yet their prioritize their shit over his every time without consideration for the utter hell he’s enduring. But, yeah, she’s also kind of a bitch.

“I’m sure your issue is very important, but Castiel is currently commanding an army, so-" … “I don’t know who you think you are. “I’m his friend.” “And you think we aren’t?” I think you call him when you need something. We’re fighting a war.” “We get that.” “Clearly you don’t or you wouldn’t call him every time you stub your toe you petty, entitled, little piece of-“

Cas’ divided loyalties are starting to be an issue. Combine that with him making a deal with a demon, and he’s gone a bit off the rails by Angel standards. He asks the boys what they need, and he’s willing to help, always willing to help.

And while we know part of it is his “profound bond” with Dean and attachment to the Winchesters, I think there’s also a touch of guilt.

We later see that he is so conflicted about this plan of his, so much so that he cries out to God for guidance.

But can he atone enough to balance his guilt? Can he do enough for Dean and Sam to prove to him that he’s still the same Angel? Can he prove he’s still their friend while betraying them? Lying to them? Going behind their back to work with the enemy?

S6E19 -

“Why’s it always gotta be me that makes the call, huh? It’s not like Cas lives in my ass. The dude’s busy. Cas, get out of my ass!” “I was never in your-“

Who do I blame for my therapy bills this time!? Clearly, the scene was written in a suggestive manner, but the way it’s played makes it even more unbelievable.

Somewhere mid-sentence Cas—who is stating plain fact—start to register what he’s saying and wonder exactly what the denotation is, here.

And as he puts those pieces together, Dean wonders where the Angel’s mind is going exactly because he knows Cas is now aware of porn and sex.

And then Dean’s eyes widen just a touch before Cas looks away, drops it entirely, and changes the subject.

Was this on the page!? Was this all the actors? Did the director give them any suggestions?! Because, just reading the words is crazy enough, but the way they played it is everything.

“That’s great, because without your power, you’re basically a baby in a trench coat.”

And we’re back to Dean infantilizing Cas and touching on one of Cas’ deepest insecurities—that if he’s useless to Dean, he’s worthless to Dean.

“We need your help here.” “Hold your water. We’ll be back in a few.” “Dean, Dean.”

There’s something so insistent about how this second “Dean” is delivered… like Cas is appealing to Dean in a way we haven’t heard before. That second Dean is pleading. He can’t believe that Dean is going to walk away from this, that he isn’t listening to Cas.

And neither knows it, but this is just chip, chip, chipping away at Cas’ trust in Dean. It’s chipping away at his belief that Dean might know better than he in some situations cough Godstiel cough because Dean is the one not listening with this one.

These two are so stubborn. So similar! (Yes, it’s a Pride & Prejudice reference. And now I’ve distracted myself trying to determine who is Mr. Darcy and who is Lizzie… think I’m settling on Cas as Darcy and Dean as Elizabeth, but feel freee to argue it out in the comments).

“Millions of lives are at stake here, not just two.”

Dean heads out and the Family Theme plays as Dean and Cas watch each other, both frustrated.

Is this the first time the Family Theme has played between them? I know it’s certainly not the last, but I find the placement here fascinating.

They’re going in opposite directions. They’re seeing different things. And yet they’re still family. What an interesting time to remind us of that… right before it all unravels.

“Work for me. It’s a good deal. Bonus, I won’t kill your friends.”

Friends making an appearance from another being, here. No secrets, Castiel. Your attachment to the Winchesters and theirs to you is well-known by now.

“It’s not like Cas to make mistakes like that. Unless.” “Unless?” “Unless he meant to.” “Bobby, this is Cas we’re talking about. Do you believe this?”

In a few seasons, when Dean wants to stab Cas in the neck, it’ll be Sam saying, “Because it’s Cas”.

But right now, Dean Winchester, who has so very few people to trust, trusts Castiel to an extreme level. Maybe that’s why the Family Theme made an appearance—because Dean’s already there with Cas.

And Cas doesn’t even realize it. He doesn’t even know what he’s squandering. He doesn’t know the full depths of his fuck up until it is way too late.

S6E20 -

“Hello, Dean. Are you alright?” “Yeah, I’m fine. How about you?” … “I just don’t understand how Crowley could’ve tricked me.” “Well, he’s a tricky son of a bitch, that’s how.”

Dean wants to believe in Cas so badly… he wants to have faith in him so badly.

At his core, he knows something is wrong, something is off. But it’s Cas who has literally died twice for him, for Dean. That means something to him.

“I’d come if I could.” “Yeah, no, I get it. No worries. But, Cas, you’ll call, right? If you get into real trouble?”

Dean is hoping… hoping that Cas knows he can count on them. But Rachel wasn’t wrong… they just call him when they need something in Season 6. They have in no way shown him that they are there for him, too… not really.

There will be conversations down the line where Dean just checks in with Cas because he can see the Angel needs to talk. There will be points where they confide in one another, where they trust one another to the point that their honesty burns. But we’re not there, yet.

We’re not even to the middle of this story.

I remember when Christian Kane was working on The Librarians and commented about his character, Jake, not knowing how to fight when Kane was well-practiced in it.

His last long-running character, Eliot on Leverage fought from the beginning. But with Jake, they needed to start him off with no training so his character had somewhere to go, something to learn, a direction to grow.

Cas and Dean can’t get it right every time. They can’t always know what to say. They can’t always know what to do. That’s unrealistic, and while I know that’s a silly thing to say about a show based on monsters, demons, and ghosts—we don’t watch the show for the ghoulies. We watch for the characters.

We care about Dean and Sam and Castiel. We watch because we want to see their journeys and we are invested in their stories.

Static characters are rarely interesting. Rounded characters make mistake, make wrong choices, make messes that are impossible to remedy. And as long as they grow through it, we can stick with them. Because it’s about the relationships we, the audience, forge with these fictional characters.

And, yes, this sounds mental, but fandom is an essential part of the fate of a long-running series like this one. That’s why there are still conventions, why Collins and Ackles and Padalecki are still making appearances all these years later on behalf of the characters they were graced with playing.

We connect with these characters and we care about them. And if they were not relatable, it wouldn’t work. It just wouldn’t work. The whole show would fall apart.

So, these characters make bad calls, and wrong choices, and shit decisions. And that’s all part of the ride.

So, yes, while I wanna shake Cas a little to get him out of this ideology to which he’s clinging, I also want to remind Dean that relationships go both way, and he’s not been the greatest friend, either.

But, Cas, seriously, what the fuck!?

“The point is, you’re distracted, and that makes me nervous.” “I am holding up my end.” “Ah, yes. But is that all you’re holding, huh? See? The stench of that Impala’s all over your overcoat, Angel. I thought we’d agreed, no more nights out with the boys.”

I’m sorry. Did you just make the allusion to Cas giving Dean a handjob in the car?! Like, Balthazar is talking about Cas being in love with Dean and now Crowley’s insinuating things of a sexual nature. Yeah, Cas, your secret is out honey, even if you aren’t.

“I have it on good authority that your two little pets are currently trying to hunt me down. Forgive me, but I think you might have a little conflict of interest here.”

Crowley is keeping it broad to both Winchesters. So, he has more of Fate’s view, and not so much Balthazaar, who has seen them all up close and personal, I guess.

“Crowley had a point, of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters’ guardian. After all, they taught me how to stand up, what to stand for, and what generally happens to you when you do.”

So he is at least somewhat aware of how he prioritizes the boys.

“You know, he’s our friend. And we are lying to him through our teeth. … You think that Cas is in with Crowley? Crowley?”

Dean is fucked up over this. Rightfully. Because he doesn’t hold onto many people, and while he hasn’t verbalized it, yet, Cas has a special place in his life.

“Look, Dean, he’s our friend, too, okay. And I’d die for him, I would, but, look, I’m praying we’re wrong here.”

Oooh, this says so much that Sam has to clarify that. Like, he realizes how highly Dean regards Cas, how much he trusts him, how much this is crushing him.

“And the worst part was Dean trying so hard to be loyal with every instinct telling him otherwise.”

Cas can literally see inside Dean. He can see the conflict, and as Dean walks by, Cas moves with him, as if tied to him by an invisible string.

“This is Cas, guys. I mean, when there was no one, and we were stuck, and I mean really stuck, he broke ranks. He has gone to the mat cut and bleeding for us so many friggin times. This is Cas. Don’t we owe him the benefit of the doubt, at least?”

This one aches. This one hurts. Because 9 years later, Cas will say this to Dean in a moment of heartache that somehow feels a thousand times worse than this despite the stakes here being so much higher. “You used to give me the benefit of the doubt,” Cas will say.

But look what happened when Dean did it, Cas. Look what pain you wrought. Can you blame him for struggling to find his faith in you, again?

“You thought what?, I know. It’s crazy, right … We never should have doubted you. We just hope you can forgive us.”

Dean feels… relieved. He feels like he put his faith in the right place.

And look at how soft Dean’s eyes are as he asks his friend for forgiveness. It will be a long time before he’s this soft with Cas, again. Especially since a breath later the idiot fucks up with the Superman reference.

“You gotta look at me, man. You gotta level with me and tell me what’s going on. Loo me in the eye and tell me you’re not working with Crowley. {Cas looks away} Son of a bitch.”

This takes me back to the holding room with the burgers and beers. Dean caught on that Cas couldn’t look at him when he knew something was off, so he tells him here that he needs to look at him.

And when he can’t, Dean knows all he needs to know.

“Let me explain.” “You’re in it with him? You and crowley have been going after purgatory together? “You have, huh? This whole time.” “I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you.”

Cas is pleading with them as much as they are pleading with him. He directs most of it to Dean, but Dean is hurting too damn bad. His friend fucking betrayed them. His friend is working with the bad guy. His friend didn’t trust them enough to help.

And Cas sees his friends refusing to trust him with his plan. He sees his friends rejecting him and his plan. He sees his friends refusing to listen just as his brothers in Heaven did.

“I’m still me. I’m still your friend. Sam, I’m the one who raised you from Perdition.” {That gets Dean’s attention} “What? Well, no offense, but you did a pretty piss poor job of it.”

Sastiels rejoice! Look, it’s not my ship, but I can see how they’d be stoked their Winchester was touched by an Angel, too, ya know?

“I had no choice.” “No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one,” “You don’t understand. It’s complicated.” “No, actually, it’s not and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh? Unless you knew that it was wrong. When crap like this comes around, we deal with it like we always have. What we don’t do is we don’t go out and make another deal with the devil.” “Yeah, it sounds so simple when you say it like that.”

And it does. Yes, Cas fucked up, but he’s trying to save everyone. Not just the Winchesters, but the world. He’s trying to save the innocent people they saw on the playground together not so long ago, the children growing up, the adults growing old, and even the birds flitting from tree to tree in search of the perfect nesting nook.

Cas finally meets Dean’s eyes.

“Where were you when I needed to hear it?” “I was there. Where are you?”

This is on Dean and Cas, their mutual heartbreak. They’ve broken each other, here, in a way that perhaps may never have been repaired. Their trust in one another is shaken, and it’s their own damn fault.

Mostly Cas.

Look, he may be my favorite character, but I’m going to call him on his shit. I’m not precious about my kids, either. I love and celebrate them for the unique, incredible, vibrant humans they are. But everyone knows you own up to your mistakes and we don’t lie in this house.

So, Cas, you’re kinda on my shitlist tonight. Sorry, buddy. You can make it up to me by fixing your shit with your boytoy. Capiche?

“You should’ve come to us for help, Cas.” “Maybe. It’s too late now. I can’t turn back now, I can’t.” “It’s not too late. Damn it, Cas, we can fix this.” “Dean, it’s not broken. Run. You have to run, now. Run!”

Despite everything Cas is still trying to protect them, and Dean still trusts that Cas is telling them to run for that very reason.

That’s what is truly batshit about the end of this scene—angry as they are at one another, much as that trust has been shattered, there’s enough left that Dean will run when Cas tells him to, because he knows deep down the Angel only wants to keep him safe.

You can’t baby proof a hurricane. But that’s what Cas tries to do with Dean. The Angel wants to protect him from further harm. It’s not what he needs, though. Dean needs the truth.

It’s another place where I feel a kinship to Dean. If the news sucks, it sucks. But don’t sugarcoat it and don’t lie. I can figure out what to do if it’s all falling to shit and I know it. But if I’m in the dark, then I’m flailing for a recourse with six minutes to Midnight when the spell goes poof.

Dean opens the door for the others to run through, but he stops to look back at Cas. The firelight illuminates both their faces as they contemplate one another. They’re both hurt. They’re both upset. And shit as their communication is right now, that “bond” is still there.

Damnit. It’d be so much easier for both of them if it wasn’t. But it’s there. They can feel it. Damnit.

“Hello, Dean.” “How’d you get in here?, The angel proofing bobby put up on the house, he got a few things wrong.” “Well, it’s too bad we gotta angel proof in the first place, isn’t it?”

Ouch. It’s another time when Dean wakes to Cas there, but this time, they are at odds. They’re upset. Castiel wants so desperately for Dean to understand his motivation for doing the shit thing. And Dean wants Cas to just not do the shit thing.

But Cas believes in it. And an Angel’s belief and devotion can be dangerous. We’ve seen that time and time, again.

Right now, Cas’ loyalties are divided, but the more he feels rejected by Dean, the more he leans into this terrible choice.

Again, it doesn’t make it right. But we understands where it comes from.

“Why are you here?” “I want you to understand.” “Oh, believe me, I get it. Blah blah, Raphael, right?” “I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you.” “Because of me. Yeah. You gotta be kidding me.” “You’re the one that taught me and freedom and free will-“ “You’re a frigging child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want.”

Dean has never been at War the way that Castiel has. There are some horrible, no good decisions that go down in War. Terrible things.

And while Castiel may be new to freedom and free will, infantilizing him isn’t going to help Dean get through to him.

“I know what I’m doing, Dean.” “I’m not gonna logic you, okay? I’m saying don’t just ’cause. I’m asking you not to. That’s it.” “I don’t understand.” “Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family. That you are like a brother to me. So if I’m asking you not to do something, you gotta trust me, man.”

It’s too late. Damnit, it’s too late. Castiel has locked in and he can’t unlock.

This is important. Because someday Cas will learn how to roll with things, how to adjust when things shift, how to change gears when it matters.

But he’s not there, yet.

“Or what?” “Or I’ll have to do what I have to do to stop you.” “You can’t Dean. You’re just a man. I’m an angel.” “I don’t know, I’ve taken some pretty big fish.”

This hurts so bad. Damnit. They’re friends. They care about each other. They trusted each other. But now? Dean is just another human in the way. And Cas is just another dick Angel fucking with the world.

At least, that’s what they each try to tell themselves.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” “Well, I’m sorry, too, then.”

Damnit, you two. I want to shake you both right about now. You, Cas, more than Dean because what the fuck, bro!? But, I get where it comes from. I do. I see the lines of pain and hurt and control and manipulation and programming and fear that have led you to this terrible, terrible choice.

And, Dean, it’s too little too fucking late. All Season you’ve been criticizing him for not showing up the second you want him, and then you barely acknowledge the war he is fighting. Now, in the eleventh hour it looks like you’re using your bond as a bargaining chip instead of an honest declaration.

We know you mean it—how important Castiel has become to you. But the timing is suspect and Castiel is too far-gone to listen. He’s lost, Dean. Completely lost. As lost as you were last season when you were ready to say “yes” to Michael.

Only Cas doesn’t have a Sam to stop him.

God, you two are so alike, sometimes, you know that? You and your Angel are the two most stubborn beings to walk the earth. Maybe someday you’ll learn to listen to one another.

S6E21 -

"Well, at least you tried." "Yeah, a fat lot of good it did. Why’d he even come, right?” … “Our pal Cas didn’t stop in last night just to mend fences.” “What’d he do?” “Stole something.”

This shouldn’t have made me smile, but it did. Yes, I know something’s wrong with me. Don’t worry, someone’ll figure out what it is soon enough.

But this is going to come back around in another era when Cas is lying to Dean and far more effectively manipulating the man—when he needs to steal something else, the colt. I like consistency in character. It’s the little things in life, ya know?

“I didn’t ask for your help.” “Well, regardless, you’re welcome.” “Why are you here?” "I had no idea Crowley would take Lisa and Ben.” “Yeah, right.” “You don’t believe me.” “I don’t believe a word that’s coming out of your mouth.”

Cas looks away. He can feel the cord of connection unraveling in the moment. When he looks back, he tries to reach for that connection, to grip the fraying threads in his mind and will them back together.

“I thought you said that we were like family. Well, I think that, too. Shouldn’t trust run both ways?” “Cas, I just can’t.” Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call, and I am your friend. Still, despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing-“

It sounds so simple when Cas says it like this. But Dean can see things his angelic buddy just can’t.

“Trust your plan to pop purgatory?” “I’ve earned that, Dean.” “I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben. And I will bring them back. Stand behind me the one time I ask.” “You’re asking me to stand down?” “Dean." "That’s the same damn ransom note that Crowley handed me, you know that, right? Well, no thanks. I’ll find them myself. Now why don’t you go back to Crowley and tell him that I said you can both kiss my ass.”

Cas is too wrapped up in this to see it, to see how bad this is. But, buddy, when the bad guy starts saying the same thing you’re saying, it might be time to own up that you’re the bad guy. Just sayin’.

They both have tears in their eyes. Dean is enraged worrying about Lisa and Ben, because from his viewpoint, it was Cas who put them in harm’s way. And Cas can see that much, even if he’s still blind to the rest.

“What do you want?” “Dean, listen-“ “What do you want me to say? She’ll be dead by midnight.” “I’m sorry-“ “I don’t care. It’s too little too late.” “Okay. Well, regardless, I didn’t come for you.” “Meaning?” {Dean picks up on what Cas is doing} “She’s fine now. She’ll wake soon. Dean, I said I’m sorry and I meant it.” “Thank you.”

Dean can’t look at Cas. He can’t. He’s still too mad. But he understands what Cas just did here was big and it matters even if it’s not enough to undo the bad blood between them.

“I wish this changed anything.” “I know. So do I.”

If they were a man and woman, everyone would talk about how these two were star crossed lovers and such. I am not kidding. Listen to this fucking dialogue! These two are on opposite sides of a war and yet falling in love.

The strange thing is that Cas wants to do what is right. He just can’t see it clearly because he got into bed with the demon instead of the handsome hunter.

I mean, come on, Cas had to kiss Crowley to seal their deal, right? Which means technically his first kiss wasn’t Meg, but it was Crowley. Man kisser Castiel confirmed!

Yes, I’m being ridiculous. But these scenes are tough and I could go with a little ridiculousness right about now, what about you?

“All else aside, I just wanted to fix what I could.” “There’s one more thing you could do for me.”

Dean’s eyes are pleading here. He even said “for me” because he knows this is for him. Cas says he didn’t come here for Dean, but we all know he did.

“You must know, everything I did, I did for you,” comes to mind. Yeah, Castiel is so Mr. Darcy. He’s expressing his love the only way he knows how, right now—helping the ones Dean loves.

And, yes I do think Dean loved Lisa and Ben. A different kind of love than the one he finds with Castiel, but a valid love, no less. And he loved them so much he let them go.

S6E22 -

“You don’t even see it, do you? How totally off the rails you are.” “Enough. I don’t care what you think. I’ve tried to make you understand. You won’t listen. So let me make this simple. Please go home and let me stop Raphael {This is all to Dean} I won’t ask again.” “Well, good, ’cause I think you already know the answer.” “I wish it hadn’t come to this. Well, rest assured, when this is all over, I will save Sam, but only if you stand down.”

Geez louise, Castiel, what the ever loving fuck!? I love you, man, but this is freakin’ villain-level bitchery.

“This is exactly what Cas wants. For you to fall to pieces. Just try to think of what Sam would want.”

Oh, I hate this arc so much. Yes, Dean’s going to do his own version of this with the Mark of Cain arc in a few seasons (what is it with these boys and doing the absolute most idiotic thing without consulting the others… learn to communicate you fools!). But, right now Castiel is the one in the “Does the worst possible thing” seat.

“First Sam and Dean, and now this? I’m doing my best in impossible circumstances, and my friends, they, abandon me, plot against me. It’s difficult to understand.”

Still the Angel. In a few years, once he is mortal, he will tell Dean that he is only beginning to understand human emotion after years on the planet. Angelic allegiance is so absolute that he mistakes their skepticism in the plan with distrust of him.

“You doubted me. Fought against me. But I was right all along.” “Okay, Cas. You were. We’re sorry. Let’s just defuse you, okay.” “What do you mean?” “You’re full of nuke. It’s not safe. So before the eclipse ends, let’s get them souls back to where they belong.” “No, they belong with me.”

Talk about power going to your head. Damn it, Cas, listen to Dean!

“No, Cas, it, it’s scrambling your brain. … Listen to me. Listen. I know there’s a lot of bad water under the bridge. But we were family once. I’d have died for you. I almost did a few times. so if that means anything to you, please. I've lost Lisa. I've lost ben. And now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you, too.”

Watching Bobby’s reaction here is wild because I don’t think he realized until this moment just how much Cas means to Dean.

I mean, Dean isn’t the chattiest guy about his feelings, right? And, yes, we can gauge that part of this was Dean just trying to save the day, but he’s not lying. He’s not. He saw Cas as family which is the highest point of connection he could assign to another being. And he doesn’t want to lose him.

And yes, Sammy with the knife as a plan B wasn’t a bad idea. But I tend to believe Dean—Cas was family.

“You don’t need this kind of juice anymore, Cas. Get rid of it before it kills us all.” “You’re just saying that because I won, because you’re afraid. You’re not my family, Dean. I have no family. {Sam knives him in the back. He pulls it out}, I’m glad you made it Sam, but the angel blade won't work. Because I’m not an angel anymore. I’m your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your lord. Or I shall destroy you.”

Now, we all know how this ended—Castiel got booted off the show!

S7E01 -

“The Castiel you knew is gone.” “So what then, kill us?” “What a brave little ant you are.”

Alright, the first time I wrote this autocorrect took over and it read: “Dean is shocked to hear that from his mount”. And while, obviously, I meant “mouth I had to share with y’all because… it ain’t wrong.

Now, the rest of this is just Cas being a douchey, power-driven, hyped up on steroids and cocaine asshole. He calls the Winchesters his “favorite pets” and told Dean “you’ve erased any nostalgia I ever had for you” like a fucking ass.

But, because we only have Collins for about 2.5 minutes before his very special guest run is over, we’re going to blitz through. I mean, Destiel isn’t built on Godstiel, anyway.

“I just wanted to make amends before I die.” "Okay., Is it working?” “Does it make you feel better?” “No. You?” “Not a bit.”

God, these two are ridiculous.

But one thing I note during all this prep is how Bobby treats Cas. Even the little shoulder touch as he says, “Hang in there” is somehow deeper than it was before—because he knows Dean wasn’t lying in that little speech back there at the tail end of Season 6.

Bobby knows Dean Winchester as well as anybody who knows the real Dean. Bobby is one of those people Cas indirectly references is in his declaration of love in the future—“anyone who knows you” knows that Dean does everything because of love.

So, yes, Dean made a speech to try to save the world. But he also loves Cas. And, again, I’m not saying we’re into romantic love, yet.

I tend to be of the opinion that it sneaks up on Dean over time rather than being as instant for Cas, but Bobby knows, now. So, he’s going to treat Cas in a way that honors Dean’s love for him—whatever kind of love it may be.

“He’s gone, Dean.”

Look. At. Dean’s. FACE. Despite everything, this is still a crushing blow. Dean’s hand rests on Cas’ shoulder as he regards him.

“Damn it. Cas, you child. Why didn’t you listen to me?”

Still infantilizing him. Yeah, sure, he fucked up. But he’s not a child, Dean.

Tears fill Dean’s eyes. Because despite everything Cas did, he really wanted to save him. He wanted to save the Angel—because he’s family.

Cas comes back to life, surprising everyone. Dean’s hand lingers on Cas’s arm after they help him up. I seem to remember another time he helps Cas up and his hand lingers.

“I’m astonished. Thank you. Both of you.”

Cas looks at Dean with more adoration than I think he’d ever mustered before, and Dean clocks it. He doesn’t understand it, but you can see he’s not oblivious.

“I’m ashamed. I really overreached.” {he can’t look at anyone, now}” “You think?” {Cas looks right to Dean} “I’ll find some way to redeem myself to you.” “Alright, well, one thing at a time. Come on. Let’s get you out of here. Come on.”

They’re walking out together, Dean and Bobby each taking an arm, but Cas reaches up to grab ahold of Dean’s arm, stopping him. He meets his eyes.

“I mean it, Dean.”

This was going to be it, folks. The last moments of Destiel in the entire series were Castiel assuring Dean that he’d find some way to make it up to him, that he would redeem himself to him.

Because it’s about how Cas fucked up majorly, yes, but if there’s one human in the entire world whose opinion matters to Cas, it’s Dean’s.

And he would never get the chance. Another tragedy courtesy of the Writers Room—Castiel dies without redemption. He dies a black and sludgy mess of horrors without hope or agency.

He takes those steps into the water without control of his actions—but it was his choices that led to this, so his hands are bloodied, his legacy marred, his memory defiled with the death of innocents.

But before that… there’s that glimpse of where the character could have gone in the wake of the madness. And Collins gives us that by putting everything he had into those few bites of dialogue.

Imagine Collins knowing this is his last moment as Castiel talking to Dean… his last moment of Destiel. His last moment to be Cas. That’s why there is everything in that scene. Why he gives all that he has.

And it really feels like this is the moment, to me, that Castiel knows he loves Dean Winchester.

Maybe he doesn’t know to what degree, but he knows. It spills out of him in ways that confuse Dean (because it’s something he would never ever expect). And Misha gave that performance thinking it was all the time he had left as Cas in this show. Damn.

Dean spies Cas’ coat in the water and retrieves it. He folds it over in his hands and holds it tight.

“Okay. So, he’s gone.”

Look at Dean’s face. At how his lip quivers as he tries to hold it together. They just got him back… and he’s gone. Nothing to “fix” this time. It’s over.

“Dumb son of a bitch.”

He places his other hand atop the coat, almost gripping it… it’s all he has left of him. There are no photos of them together, no favorite hangouts (save the brother), and very few memories where they weren’t trying to save something or someone.

All he has is a coat. That’s it. And while Dean isn’t the most sentimental person in the world, he carries it out with him and holds onto it.

Now, it should be noted he doesn’t clean the damn thing as evidence of the blood still on the collar when Cas gets it back, but that actually seems pretty true to character, so it works.

Also, the music cue of “Black Water” had me rolling the first time I heard it. I don’t think that’s what they were going for, but considering the black goo in the water, it made me laugh.

Yes, my mother really hated the 80’s. I was a latchkey kid on a plug-in phone on the wall who watched all the movies the teenagers did. I share more memories with GenXers than Millennials, but whatcha gonna do? Can’t help when I was born!

My Dad gave me my 80’s education in the 90’s, and I’m so glad he did because there are some awesome songs in the 80’s.

“I’m fine, really.” “Course, yeah. Just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brothers in the bell jar and purgatory’s most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but yeah, I get it. You’re fine.”

Dean is trying so hard to be fine, to pretend to be fine. Because his little brother is hurting, and in Dean’s book, that’s where his attention should be, not on his own shit.

But, Bobby knows, now, and he’s trying to be there for a shattered Dean.

Now, Destiel is nowhere near where it will get down the line. But, still, “Best friend ever” is a hard thing to lose.

S7E07 -

We get a brief Cas mention here when Dean says “Of course, since Cas I’m having a hard time trusting anybody” because he did trust Cas. And all of that hurt a lot more than he’s admitted to anyone, yet.

Dean doesn’t let people in easily. It’s just not his thing. But Castiel found his way in despite being an Angel, of all things. Anna was a blip on the Angel radar who ultimately betrayed them, and Dean was able to let that go pretty easily.

But Cas was different. Cas was family. And it all fell apart.

S7E13 -

“Bobby was right. Your head’s not in it. When Cas died you were wobbly, but now-“ “Now, what? Oh, what, you’re dealing with this so perfect? Yeah, newsflash, pal, you’re just as screwed up as I am.”

It’s the first time Sam’s brought up Cas since he died, but I do appreciate the impact. Of course Bobby’s death would rock him harder. That’s completely expected.

But I like the acknowledgement that Cas’ death messed him up so much Sam noticed it despite all the shit he has going on right now.

Sam is not oblivious to the Destiel, here. He just likes not being punched in the face, so he tends not to bring it up.

S7E17 -

“When you put my soul back, Cas warned you about all the crap-“ “Screw Cas!”

Sorry, Dean. That’s your job, not your brother’s. Just sayin’!

Not much later, Dean’s search for anything to help Sam leads him to the doorstep of Emmanuel. Well, he kills off the faker, and then comes face-to-face with… holy shit! That’s Cas!

Dean has fucking seen a ghost… it’s Castiel. And, gosh, I wish I was a part of the fandom at this point because I can only imagine how wild it got. Of course Dean and Cas reunite when the others aren’t with them. Even if our dear Cas is out of his head

“What was that?”

Three words for us to know Cas isn’t fully Cas. Three words. I want to kiss the writers for that.

Look, establishing shit is tedious, sometimes. You have to try to find a way to get the necessary information to the audience without dragging it out, boring them to tears, or making it feel like we forgot what this character talks like.

In Star Trek, the writers always seemed to quickly identify who was good with expeditionary dialogue. This case is a little different, but still the same concept—get the audience caught up to where we are so we can move on with the story. So well done.

“I’m Emmanuel.” “Dean. I’m, Dean.” “Thank you for protecting my wife.” “Your wife. Right.”

Jensen Ross Ackles (yes, I went on Wikipedia to find out his bloody middle name) what the hell were you doing with your lip there? That little lip quiver?

I mean, there was a bit of surprise, yeah, but that lip quiver read as… a little more.

And, an aside on the Wikipedia look—I totally forgot he was on Dark Angel. I was a mega fan of Season One of that show, but didn't watch much of Season 2, when Ackles was on there, but I do vaguely remember him!

“You don’t know about-”

Anything, Dean. He doesn’t know about anything. He doesn’t know what horrors he wrought. He doesn’t know who he is. He doesn’t know who Dean is.

Dean, who has lost Bobby and is struggling not to lose Sam, is standing in front of the guy who he mourned despite him dooming the whole fucking world. He's got Cas right here, but he doesn’t remember anything.

“What’s your issue?” “My brother.”

And the guy who did this to him is standing across from him. You did this to him, you fucker. Maybe you’re the only one who can undo it.

But Emmanuel doesn’t know who he is, doesn’t know what he’s done. And if Dean tells him, he risks losing his one shot to save Sam.

“So, Daphne… is that your, uh, your wife?” "She found me and cared for me. … Oh, it s a strange story. You may not like it.” “Believe me I will. … So who named you Emmanuel?” "bouncybabynames.com"

Okay, somehow this is super Cas coded. I don’t know why, but the first time I heard it, I thought, “Yup, that’s what Cas would do”. And by Dean's head tilt, I think he’s thinking the same thing.

I looked up Emmanuel, and it means “God with us”. I was pretty sure I remembered that from my Sunday School, but confirming it made me giggle. Yes, the Angel who tried to be God named himself “God with us”. Bless.

"Must be weird not knowing who you are.” “Well, it's my life and its a good life.” “What if you were some sort of uh, I don’t know, a bad guy?” “I don’t feel like a bad person.”

Dean’s testing the waters to see how much he should say. How much he can say. His priority right now is Sam—like it almost always is. So, Dean clams up.

“Someone did this to him.” “You’re angry.”

Of all the lines Collins delivers as Emmanuel, this is the one that reminds me he's still Cas. This isn’t Jimmy. This is a version of Cas if he was born human with special powers… but he is still Cas. This is a Cas line.

Also, Cas is still Cas. He can see into Dean. He doesn't know why he can, but he can.

“Well, yeah. Dude broke my brother’s head.” “He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?”

Cas is doing the Cas thing of seeing into things, but somehow Dean's doing a good job of covering up the fact that Cas is Cas. But Castiel’s senses are still alive and firing, even if his memory isn’t.

“Yeah, well, he’s gone.” “Did you kill him? I sense that you kill a lot of people.”

Dean’s firmly in, “I’m gonna get through this to save my brother” mode. Cas was his friend and Cas is gone, as far as he knows.

“Honestly, I don’t know if he is dead. I just know that this whole thing couldn’t be messier. You know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. Whatever it was. It might take some time. I always could. What Cas did, I just can’t. I don’t know why.”

Oh, Dean, honey. You have never had a friend like Cas. You have never trusted someone like Cas. Yes, Bobby, sure. But Bobby took the Dad role.

You tried to put Cas in a “brother” role because that’s all you know and “Panromantic Asexual Life Partner” (at this point) wasn’t in your vocabulary.

You can’t shake it because you still love Cas. Yes, as family at this point, not a lover. He is family. And he’s sitting right next to you.

And his betrayal is so much worse because you made him family.

Nobody made him blood, like your dad. No, you chose Cas. And that’s why it hurts like hell and you can’t stop feeling it.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. Why.” “Of course it matters.” “No, you’re not a machine, Dean. You’re human. Your friend’s name was Cas? That’s an odd name.”

That line, “You’re not a machine, Dean” hits me every time, because it’s the first time Emmanuel has called Dean “Dean” and he does it in a very Cas way.

“Imagine when I track him down and he's snuggled up with you.”

Meg’s smart. She knows that while she and Cas have a spark, Dean’s Cas’s first—and only—love.

“Are you sure we wouldn’t be safer traveling with a full-throttle angel? I could jog his memory. {Off Dean's withering look} Kidding!”

Much fun as it was for Dean to watch Cas and Meg make out the last time, that’s the last thing he wants to see about now.

And before Dean and Meg step aside for this next exchange, I love the staging. Castiel is between his boyfriend and his girlfriend. Aw. They can share him because Cas has two hands!

Anyway…

“I know you're enjoying the double dip with your old pal-” “You think it’s that cut and dry?”

I’m sorry. Did Dean just… did he just. I’m actually speechless.

Because “double dip” here is a very assertive poke where Castiel is the ice cream and Dean’s the one eating. You see where I’m going with this, right!?

See, Cas can’t remember who he is, right? So Dean gets his time in with Cas, and now he gets to double dip and get more with Cas via Emmanual. It can also be taken very sexually.

And Dean didn’t deny it, right? Sure, he doesn’t deny it when people make assertions about him and Cas. He just rolls with it. But he also doesn’t dismiss it in his rapid-fire response to Meg, and I find that fascinating.

NOTE: I always find a word that gets used a lot in a Meta. Sometimes it’s a term of endearment I use for a character. Sometimes it’s a term I use to describe a scene. I think I’ve written “Fascinating” 40 times here.

But, since this isn’t for a grade or publication in a magazine, I’m leaving every. Single. One. Of. Them.

Oh, yeah, I live on the edge! Wild child right here.

ahem

“You know what he did. And you just wanna tell him and hope that he takes it in stride? He could snap. He could disappear. Who knows.” “I gather we know each other.”

It’s the Angelic Swoop! It’s the Angel Camera swoop! Sure, Dean just slid up behind them instead of poofing out of nowhere, but the camera did the swoop!

“You can tell me. I’ll be fine.” “How do you know? You just met yourself. I’ve known you for years.” “You’re an angel.” “I’m sorry. Is that a flirtation?”

God Bless you Cas. You’re still in there. And Dean does the most adorable little double-take there. Like, “that’s what you think flirting is? I’ve been doing this wrong for years!”

Yes, I know. I know. I don’t think Dean’s there, yet. And your mileage may vary, and I know it will! But, I don’t think Dean quite knows, yet.

“No, it’s a species. A very powerful one.” “She’s not lying. That’s why you heal people. you don’t eat. I’m sure there’s more.” “Why wouldn’t you tell me? Being an Angel, it sounds pleasant.” “It’s not. Trust me. It’s bloody. It’s corrupt. It’s not pleasant.” “He would know. You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually.”

Dean rolls his eyes at that, because there's always the implication of more that he still doesn’t deny.

“We’re friends? Am I Cas? I had no idea. I don’t remember you. I’m sorry.” … “It’s in there. I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike.” “I don’t know how to do that either.”

Dean’s reaction here is classic Dean when it comes to Cas and his inability to understand Pop Culture or very human references and turns of phrase. In a way, it’s comforting.

And despite his lack of memory, Cas is still Cas. He barely knows Dean, right now, but he trusts him. Meg said so herself!

He’s walking into this battlefield armed with knowledge he doesn’t know he has. But he’ll do it for Dean.

Maybe this is the only universe where Dean and Cas find each other, but it’s the one universe where they always find their way back to one another.

Because fuck destiny and fuck fate. Sometimes soulmates aren’t crafted by divine intervention but are found in spite of it.

The first memory we see is the barn… when he first spoke to Dean after rescuing from Hell. Then, it’s saving Dean and rebelling in the Burger Room. Next, dooming Sam, then taking the blood. His “I’m sorry, Dean”. Because while he’s remembering everything, we’re getting the clip show.

And someone in charge knew that Dean is at the center of it all for Cas. And Cas knows, too. He knows. He still wouldn’t call it romantic love, I don’t think, but he knows that Dean means more to him than anyone ever has. And now he remembers just how much he failed him. Not just the world… he failed Dean.

“Cas?” “I remember you.”

I have to pause here to appreciate Collins’ physicality. Just the way he turns around to face Dean is so obviously our Castiel and not Emmanuel or anyone else.

“I remember everything. What I did. What I became. Why didn’t you tell me?” “Because Sam is dying in there.” “Because of me. Everything. All these people. I shouldn’t be here.” “Cas. Cas!”

Castiel cuts between his lovers as he storms off, and Dean makes sure he’s the one to go after their shared situationship while Meg stays behind.

“If you remember, then you know you did the best you could at the time.” “Don’t defend me. Do you have any idea the death toll in heaven. On earth? We didn’t part friends Dean.” “So what?” “I deserved to die.”

Dean almost nods at it. I mean, when Cas commits, he commits. When Cas fucks up, he fucks up.

“Now I can’t possibly fix it, so why did I even walk out of that river?” “Maybe to fix it.”

Castiel doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, and the first time I saw this scene I laughed aloud, because I’d heard tale of the legendary coat that had traveled from car to car with Dean. I thought it was the thing of myths and legends.

But there’s the damn coat.

It was all Dean had left of Cas—the best friend he’d ever had. Cas sees the coat, and he can’t take his eyes off of it, even to look at Dean. Because this is a really beautiful nonverbal way for Dean to say what he needs to say without saying it.

Dean doesn’t like getting emotional or giving speeches. He starts to do more later. But, this is Season 7 Dean and he’s not there, yet.

This is Dean’s way of showing Cas that even after everything he did, Cas still matters to Dean. So much of Season 6 felt like the Winchesters using Cas and Castiel lying to them.

This is their restart. This is their new beginning. This is the moment when Dean says, “Yes, I want you to heal my brother. Yes, you’re the one who fucked him up. But I carried this shitty coat around for months because of this ‘profound bond’ of ours. You matter to me as you, not just for what you can do to help me”.

Inside the hospital, Cas wears the coat over his Emmanuel clothes. It feels more costume than clothing with the slicked down hair and suburban housewife attire underneath. He can barely look at Dean as he tells him he can’t fix it.

“But I maybe able to shift it.” “Shift?” “Yeah, it would get Sam back on his feet.”

Dean doesn’t realize what Cas is doing, but Cas is committed. He told Dean before that he was going to find a way to redeem himself to him. We know that he would do anything for Dean.

“It’s better this way. I’ll be fine.” “Wait, Cas, what are you doing?”

But Cas isn’t going to tell him the plan. Because he did this to Sam, and he’s going to fix it.

“Look, man, I get it. She’s not our friend. We don’t even have friends. All our friends are dead.”

Ouch. Real ouch. But Dean saw what the mental breakdown was doing to Sam, and they know that Cas has taken that on. Nobody knows how his Angelic programming will handle it. He’s as good as dead to them. And that aches.

S7E18 -

Including this because Bobby sent Dean to Cas. I think a lot about the Series Finale, and while we have the utter lack of Castiel, we do have an eye waggle and some encouragement from Bobby for Dean to go after his Angel.

Imagine how much Bobby’s been watching them, how much he sees now that he can follow them around.

S7E21 -

“Cas is awake. … Last night about 8.” “And you waited until now to call us?”

I love how annoyed Dean is that Meg waited so long to give him an update on their shared situationship. And I also love that the Winchester boys are already determined to drive to Cas before they put it together that his waking times out with the tablet.

Again, we’re finally seeing that they value Cas for Cas. It’s about damn time.

Now, Dean and Sam know that things are going to be fucked up with Cas. Between what he did, and then what he absorbed from Sam, they’re not sure what to expect.

But there was never a question of whether they’d go—even before they make the tablet connection, they’re driving.

“Hey, Cas?” “Hello, Dean. Sam.”

The iconography here is insane. Cas as Castiel in his right mind wears the trench coat over the suit. From the behind-the-scenes clips poor Collins runs hot and this get-up can’t help much with that.

But, here, Castiel is wearing his trench coat on the outside, but much as it was ill-fitting with his cul-de-sac clothes, it looks almost comical over the blank, white psych patient clothing.

He wants to be closer to his true self—but underneath he’s still not himself. He’s clawing toward it, but the damage he did to Sam was monstrous, and the impact is still devastating, even to his Angelic programming.

“Hey Castiel.” “Look at you walking and talking. That’s, that’s great, right?”

Look at the hope in Dean’s eyes. Yes, they parted on a bad note before the weird adventures of Cas’ memory loss, but even then, Dean’s kinda attached to the guy.

Of course, seconds later they see that Cas isn’t fully there. But, hey, Dean was ready for a lot worse, right? And he came anyway.

As they try to talk to Cas and see what’s left of him, you can see the sadness in Dean’s eyes. Sam is keeping the conversation moving because Dean is lost in thought.

“I love you guys.”

It’s so strange, because Castiel is speaking more forthright than he usually would—about Meg’s beauty, about his love for the Winchesters. He’s uncorked, you might say.

And he isn’t fully himself because what we choose to release and what we choose to keep close is a part of what makes us… us. Castiel hasn’t yet fully found his way back to himself.

Gosh, what a rollercoaster ride this must’ve been for the actor. I mean, a fun one, but if you could how many minutes he’s been fully Castiel in this season, it’s less than 5 minutes of screen time. That’s just wild.

“Alright, I’ll go handle Cas. Sam, will you please pick up the word of God?”

Dean instinctively knows it has to be him. He does! He just doesn’t fully understand why, yet.”

"It’s Sam’s thing, isn’t it? You taking on his, uh, Cage match scars. I’m guessing that’s what broke your bank, right?" "Well, it took everything to get me here." "What are you talking about, man?"

Rachel’s flashing to S15E18, again. The exact same phrase when Castiel spoke in a way Dean couldn’t yet understand.

I mean, yeah, the Angel’s a bit out of his mind, but I love the consistency in things like this, little phrases characters use often enough, but not so repetitively that they become a 90’s catchphrase.

Literally, last night my husband said, “You got it, Dude” and I told him there’s no way I married Michelle Tanner from Full House. We were kids in the 80’s and 90’s. Catchphrases were all the rage.

“Dean, I know you want different answer.” “No I want you to button up your coat and help us take down leviathans. Do you remember what you did?” … “I’m sorry, Dean.” “No. You’re playing sorry.”

Dean is hurting and he’s angry. And while that is perfectly valid, Castiel isn’t running at full speed. He can barely get through a conversation, let alone march into battle.

Later, Meg returns from killing the Demons, and we have Castiel and Dean in the two-shot, Cas over his shoulder like the little broken Angel he is.

“You have fallen in every way imaginable.”

Ouch, Hester. Ouch. I mean, yeah, I can understand why you hate the guy—destroying fucking Heaven and all. But words still hurt.

“He can’t help you. He can’t help anybody.”

Finally, Dean, you got your head out of your ass long enough to understand the situation. Thank you.

“We’re trying to clean up one of your Angel’s messes and you know that.”

Cas is fidgety. He doesn’t like the confrontation. He doesn’t like disappointing Dean.

“He’s right. An angel brought the leviathan back into this world, And, and they begged him, they begged him not to do it.”

Dean hates begging, but it’s true. And Cas is finally saying Dean was right. Too late, of course.

“Why should we give you anything {shot of Dean} after everything you have taken from us?” {Shot of Cas}

Yeah, this was not edited to be subtle at all. We aren’t even looking at Kevin Tran or Sam or any of the other Angels. This is about Castiel. This is about Dean and Castiel.

We are quite literally addressing the Destiel in the room. And it’s by one pissed-off Angel.

“The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost.”

Ho. Ly. Shit. Why on earth did people tell y’all that you were hallucinated Destiel!? It’s like the craziest mass gaslighting ever!

Dean stares defiantly, but there’s hurt there, too. Because this is a confirmation of everything he’s ever believed about himself. He always sees the worst in himself and much as we know Cas’ shit is on him, in this moment Dean almost believes her.

Because he never believed he was worth saving. He believes he’s worth abandoning. He believes he’s poison to those he loves.

“For that you’re going to pay.” {She advances on Dean, but Cas steps up}, “Please. They’re the ones we were put here to protect.” {Cas spins so Hester is facing him, away from Dean}

She starts beating the shit out of him, and the Winchesters are ready to fight before the other Angels stop them. And as soon as Meg spikes the bitch, the other Angels are like, “Meh. Guess we’ll move on, now”.

Like, seriously, nobody liked Hester. They’re all just standing around, not killing the demon who iced their sibling. Buh-bye, bitch!

“It says we need to start with the blood of a fallen Angel.” “Well, you know me. I’m always happy to bleed for the Winchesters.”

He hands the blood to Dean, right past Sam. And you can see that Dean appreciates the actual help from the broken, fallen Angel.

S7E22 -

“I mean, it’s what he’d want us to do. Right?” “Yeah, him, and Frank, and Cas—if his marbles were in the bag.”

Dean’s almost always the one to bring up Cas. The Angel is so important to him, though he’s not going to say it.

S7E23 -

“We can call Castiel, again.” “Dude, on my car, he showed up naked… covered in bees.”

I told my husband about this, and he immediately said, “Trying to woo him!?” But, seriously, this might be the strangest way to tell a flower you want to pollinate him.

“You deal with him, I can’t anymore.” “You might want to be more specific.” “I was laying low halfway across the world when emo boy pops up out of nowhere and zaps me right back here.” “Why?” “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.”

Dean’s face falls and eyes kind of narrow… but he doesn’t bother denying it.

All the times he has denied being gay, but when it comes to Cas, he doesn’t, really. And the jaw clench at the end, there. phew

I’m not saying Dean is in love with Cas at this point, and Cas showed at the beginning of the season with those looks that he must be aware, now, on some level. I mean, half the celestial world knows. Destiel lore is spreading.

Dean approaches Cas outside… sees Cas is still not all there. Dean lifts his head to gather all his will to get through this.

Have you ever steadied yourself to talk to a friend or family member struggling with dementia? It reminds me of that, of trying to remember that who you’re talking to, now, isn’t exactly who you spoke with then. Not really.

They’re still in there, but you don’t know if you’re going to reach them or not. It’s unsettling and it’s super hard.

“I don’t want to fight.” "No, I’m not-” {Dean calms himself} We’re worried.”

This is tough for Dean. Cas is majorly triggered by conflict, and Dean’s first reaction is to get mad. So, this is a big thing for both of them.

"Alright, enough.”

Dean taking a Cas line to defend Cas from Crowley.

“I can’t help. Do you understand? I can’t. I destroyed everything {Cas’ voice breaks} and I will destroy everything again. So can we please leave it at that?”

Castiel truly thinks he can’t do anything right. God, these two are so similar in so many ways—except Cas’s instinct here is to pull back while Dean’s gut is telling him to lean in.

“No. No we can’t. We can’t leave it. You let these friggin things in. So you don’t get to make a sandwich. And you don’t get a damn cat. Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess.” … “Nice, you scared off the empire’s only hope.” “Meaning?” “It occur to you that ever one of those things was in Cas? He knows them. He can see past the meat suits.”

Ding, ding, ding! Keeping calm actually benefits the cause, Dean. And, I get it. I have anger issues, and have had to work my whole life to temper my temper. But, you gotta get through to Cas another way.

Cas watches from the stairs as Sam and Dean say goodbye to Bobby, likely invisible to their eyes. He’s still Angelic enough to be removed from those he loves, but it’s the Dean-to-Cas swoop shot that reveals him. It’s their shot.

“Cas, I need a wingman.” “Dean-“ “You don’t want to jump into the jaws of death that’s… fine. How about we run a little errand?”

It’s a good ask. And, honestly, giving these two a moment alone is almost always a good idea.

“Dean-“ “Cas. We’ve been over it. I get it. You can’t help.” “If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct.” “I don’t know, I guess." “And at best I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake. Or I don’t die. I’m brought back again. I see now it’s a punishment resurrection. It’s worse every time.”

This line makes me laugh, because it’s kinda true. Every time Cas comes back, seems thing to suck more than ever, until the Empty sends him back. That one works out better than the rest.

"I’m sorry. Uh, we’re talking about God crap, right?” I’m not good luck, Dean.”

Oh, my poor, sweet Angel. You really think you’re going to make it worse for him, don’t you? Because your last venture out went so terribly, you’re afraid to do it, again. And you don’t want to let Dean down, again.

Think about it. Cas told Dean he’d find a way to redeem himself, but he’s not completely there and he knows it. He knows that something is off about him, and that’s only compounding his insecurities.

“Yeah, but you know what, bottom of the 9th and you’re the only guy left on the bench? Sorry, but I’d rather have you. Cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, alright. We’re all cursed. I seem like good luck to you?”

This line is insane. The first time I heard it I gasped. It’s such a simple line, void of romance or flirtation. It’s simply Dean stating what he sees. But, oh, what does Cas see?

Yes, darling, you’re good luck to him. You changed his entire world and the course of his existence, so, yes, you’ll always be good luck to him.

And Cas’ features go so soft here. Damnit, Collins, you’re at it, again, with the subtleties. And what I adore about this scene is that Dean picks up on it. He notes the shift in Cas immediately.

“What?” “Well, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness.” “Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna die tomorrow, so.” “Well, I’ll go with you. And I’ll do my best.” “Thanks.”

Have you ever had the love of your life say the right thing when you needed it most? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I say some stupid shit sometimes, and so does Matthew.

But there are times when I need that reminder of what I can do, who I am, what I mean to those I love. It doesn’t take much, but that can be enough to push us to overcome our fears.

Dean doesn’t realize that’s what he’s done for Cas—emboldened him enough to risk failing for the hope of succeeding.

“Wake up.”

Cas usually waits for Dean to wake. He can’t this time. They’re in Purgatory, and they need to get moving. With a whoosh Cas is gone and Dean’s left with the monsters.

And I have to call out the insanity that is Collins’ performance this year as Castiel. Yes, he only had a handful of episodes, but in that handful of episodes he had maybe 5 minutes of screen time where Cas was Cas and not something else.

He was Godstiel. He was possessed by Leviathans. He was Emmanuel. Then, he was briefly himself before taking on Sam’s mental anguish. And for the rest of the season, he’s a teetering mess in tatters, not fully himself.

It’s just mind boggling to me from a performance standpoint, and I applaud Collins’ efforts.

S8E01 -

“What about Cas? Was he there?” “Yeah, Cas didn’t make it.”

Widower Arc II, baby! The first one left Dean “shaky” according to Sam, but this ones only gonna get worse.

Every time Dean loses Cas, he realizes how much deeper their bond has grown. Because, yes, while they’ve only been reunited a few episodes by the end of Season 7, and Castiel isn’t fully himself, it’s Cas.

And in the eleventh hour, when they faced down Dick Roman, Cas was the one to help Dean finish him off. He came through. He didn’t fail. Despite his fear, he showed up and got it done.

And then he was gone. Gone.

Think about this from Dean’s perspective—a being he sees as family pulled himself together enough to face certain death for Dean’s sake. Dean knows this.

And he’s going to find that little Angel and protect him, right? He’s going to save him, right? Because Cas came through for Dean and Dean cannot fail him.

But he does. At least, that’s what he believes.

Dean walks away from his brother. Can’t look him in the eye. He thinks he failed Cas.

“What exactly does that mean?” “Something happened to him down there. Things got pretty hairy toward the end and he just… let go.” “So Cas is dead. You saw him die.” “I saw enough.” “So, you’re not sure.” “I said I saw enough, Sam.” {Dean turns back} “Right. Dean, I’m sorry.”

Sam knows that Cas and Dean have some kind of special connection. You can’t tell me otherwise after that! Much as Sam is sad to know that Cas is gone, Dean is the one wrecked by it. It’s plain to see.

“Me, too.

Oh, the self-loathing. Looks like Cas and Dean are playing Hot Potato with this one and it’s Dean’s turn.

“Did you look for me, Sam?”

This is such a core part of Dean… that “not give up” spirit he has. The only time he didn’t look for Sam was when Sam made him promise to go live a life at the end of Season 5.

“Good. That’s good. We always told each other not to look for each other.”

And how much time did he spend in Purgatory looking for the Angel? From the moment they were separated, Dean tried to reunite with him.

“That’s smart. That’s good for you. Of course we always ignored that because of our deep, abiding love for each other, but not this time, right Sammy?”

And I see why he’s hurting. He spent a year looking for Cas in Purgatory only to lose him at the last second, and he gets back to find that his brother didn’t look for him at all.

Yes, they are very different people and I don’t think Dean realizes he’s continuing the same cycle his father began with them—pushing the family to hunt together rather than living normal lives.

It might seem selfish to be human. I think that’s how Dean sees it, sometimes. But it’s also important to be human, and Sam understands that better than his big brother.

“Take a breath. Calm down. Where’s the angel?” You’re him. The human.” “Where’s the angel?”

I’m sorry. You’re telling me that all it took for the demon to know who Dean was was “Where’s the Angel?” Three-ish words and the dude’s a legend for tearing through Purgatory looking for his Angel?

“Alright, what about you?” “What about me?” “Look at you. You’ve still got that look. You’re shaky. You’re on edge.”

And he’s constantly thinking about Purgatory. About his hunt for the angel. Every memory we’ve seen so far, he mentions the Angel.

Also shaky is back. That’s the word Sam used the last time they lost Cas back in Season 7. He said that Dean was shaky. So, at least the human is consistent, though I’m convinced his mourning is deeper this time.

Because he thinks he failed him.

In my mind’s eye, I see Castiel at the beginning of Season 7 telling Dean he’d find a way to redeem himself, and then presumably never getting the chance. Dean wanted to be Castiel’s hero, to bring him home because they are family. And he failed.

He left someone behind. He didn’t want to, but he abandoned Castiel in the land of monsters because he wasn’t enough.

No, it’s not entirely accurate, we’ll come to learn. But that’s what Dean sees. He always sees the worst in himself because that’s easier to believe than the good.

Yeah, this is another one of those places where I relate to Dean more than I should. I’ve always seen the worst in myself and find criticism easier to believe than praise. It’s not a fun way to be.

“First we find the Angel.” “Mm, three’s a crowd, chief.” “Well, hey, either you’re in or you’re out.”

Dean is throwing his words back at Benny, but he’s making the stakes clear—you wanna get out of here, I’ll take you, but not without the Angel.

Also, I know there was a huge contingent of Benny/Dean shippers, and I see the vision! But, Benny-boo, Cas already has that prime real estate in Dean’s heart, so like Meg with Cas, you’re just gonna have to share him.

“Dean. You’re looking. Well, let’s say Purgatory didn’t do you any favors. Where’s your Angel?”

Uhhh. Your Angel!? Season 8 Crowley is full on aware of the Dean/Cas situation. And, yes, I wrote it like we used to write ships back before Soap Operas popularized name combinations.

Heck, for Mulder and Scully, you’d just declare in the AOL Chat Room if you were a Shipper, Fencer, or Noromo. These were simpler times. But I think Crowley, here, is a full-on Heller by now.

Somewhere between the end of Season 6 and the beginning of Season 8, there’s a huge shift in the Destiel relationship and how Dean sees Cas. He stops infantilizing him. He starts caring about him in a new way and really showing it.

They start to have honest conversations and deepen what’s already there. But, we’ll get to all that.

S8E02 -

“You’ll find your angel there.”

While Dean has been saying “the” Angel, I like that people start calling Cas “your Angel or flipping the script from Cas collecting Dean to Dean collecting Cas.

Because, if we’re real, they’re each other’s favorite Pokémon.

“Dean Winchester?” “Do I know you?” “Uh, no, but, uh, I knew Castiel.” “You’re an angel?”

Most Angels who want to “Talk” to Dean are aggressive, angry, and assertive. Samandriel, in this unassuming vessel, is polite. And, like anyone who understands Castiel at all, he knows that Dean will be the one with any answers.

"I wanted to ask you about Castiel. What happened to him?” “Well, uh, me and Cas, we, uh, we iced Dick Roman and got a one-way rocket ride to Purgatory for our trouble.” “But you escaped, Did, did Castiel?”

Dean’s face says it all. And it kinda sucks because Cas didn’t have a lot of friends left in Heaven after the whole Leviathan thing, so it’s sad that Dean had to deliver the bad news.

“You know there are some in heaven who still believe despite his mistakes that Castiel’s heart was always in the right places.” “Are you one of them?” “I think too much heart was always Castiel’s problem.”

This dude looks angry at Dean. Did you notice that? He brushes Dean’s arm as he passes. He doesn’t want to talk to Dean anymore. He got his answer. And now he’s done.

And I imagine that only digs the dagger deeper into Dean. His mind flits back to Castiel, the Angel of Thursday, the one with too much heart, the one he lost.

Cas still wears a hospital band around his wrist as he washes his face and hand in the water in Purgatory. He hears Dean’s voice and looks around. It’s not that he can’t pinpoint the source of the voice, but that he’s looking for Leviathan.

Before facing him, Cas is trying to be sure Dean will be safe during this conversation. It’s such a minute thing, but it’s clear as day that he’s not only fairly sane, but also completely on mission—protect Dean Winchester at all costs.

So it begins.

Castiel stands without moving. If he moves, he might lose his vantage point to see all around them to try to keep Dean safe. But Dean walks toward him like a lost man in the woods following a far-off beacon of light.

Dean laughs as he approaches Cas, pulling him into a hug. His face turns away from Benny as he nearly crumbles. Yes, Cas once hugged Dean and Sam while still struggling with sanity, but this is Dean initiating a hug. He doesn’t do that lightly.

And he and Benny are working together, but they aren’t tight, yet, so he doesn’t want the Vamp to see the ache of hugging Cas, of finding him. His Angel. Finally.

Cas doesn’t hug back. He doesn’t think he deserves this hug. He is still punishing himself for everything he did, for everything he cannot fix.

“Damn it’s good to see you.” {he lets one hand linger on Cas’ shoulder before touching a finger to Cas’ cheek} Nice peach fuzz.” “Thank you.”

It’s such a familiar thing, there. None of the bad blood of Season 7. He’s just so relieved to have his Angel back.

“How did you find me?” “The bloody way.”

Oh, the lengths Dean has gone through for you, Castiel. Last season, you didn’t think you were good luck, but you helped him take down the big bad. And this season, you don’t think you deserve to be saved. But he does.

And nobody’s commanding it, Castiel.

Listen to me, you foolish little Angel. This is an act of love on Dean’s part because you are family. You matter to him not because you’re an Angel or because of your abilities but because of you and who you are.

I know you can’t see it. I know it will be a long time before you even begin to realize you matter to Dean because despite being able to see into him, it’s the one thing you won’t allow yourself to see.

“I ran away.” “You ran away.”

And now Dean’s faith is shattered, again.

"I had to." “That’s your excuse for leaving me with those gorilla wolves?” “Dean-” “You bailed out and, what, went camping? I prayed to you, Cas, every night.”

Oh. My. Gosh. The first time Dean prayed to Cas and he appeared, the angel said it was a sign of faith. So, despite everything that has happened between these two, Dean didn’t lose faith in Cas. He didn’t. He prayed every night.

And Cas can’t meet Dean’s eyes. Because even though he knows why he stayed away, he can feel the disappointment, the betrayal, the pain radiating off of Dean.

Also, the music cue on “every night” is so intentional. They want us to feel the emotion and the agony here.

Remember, every part of a production tells a story. The music’s telling it, too. We just have to be listening.

“What the hell’s wrong with you?” “I am an Angel in a land of abomination. There have been things hunting from the moment we arrived.” “Join the Club." “These are not just monsters, Dean, they are Leviathan. I have a price on my head. And I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them to-”

Cas stops, looking over to Benny.. he doesn’t want to give this stranger this insider info. But, honey, your human’s already blown your cover.

All of Purgatory know what you are to one another because Dean’s been running around with bullets and blades yelling, “Where’s my honey lemon?!” for the last year.

But he doesn’t know that. All he knows is what truly kept him away.

“-to keep them away from you.”

This hits Dean hard. He realized that Cas has been protecting him this whole time. That Cas led the worst of the worst away from Dean to keep Dean safe. He prioritized Dean.

And much as Dean would rather be in the battle with Cas every time, it’s a lot harder to be mad knowing Cas was making himself a moving target to try to give Dean a chance to survive.

“That’s why I ran. Just leave me, please."

Now that he’s said what he needs to say, he turns away. He’s trying to distance himself from Dean, to give Dean a chance because in Purgatory he’s nothing but poison to Dean.

If the very touch of Dean corrupted Cas, the very presence of Cas endangers Dean. How surreal that these two whose existences so often seem contradictory come to best live in the presence of one another.

“Cas, we’re getting out of here. We’re going home.” “Dean, I can’t.” “You can. … Cas, buddy, I need you.”

Look at Cas’ reaction. Look at that. Because Cas can see into Dean. He can see that Dean means this—Dean needs Cas.

It’s not Dean asking Cas to do something for him. It’s not him needing Cas’ skills or expertise or powers or knowledge.

This is the first time that Dean has looked at Cas and said I need you.

It’s not about use or purpose. It’s about one being needing another being. Dean needs Cas in his life. He does. He needs him.

And he’s acknowledging it for the first time.

We don’t know if it’s the first time he’s realized it within himself, but it’s the first time he’s verbalized it. And it’s almost too much for Cas.

Cas is where Dean was in S4E01…. he doesn’t think he deserves to be saved. But what can he say to Dean? How can he tell this being who is finally looking at him and saying he needs him that he can’t go with him? That he won’t?

Even how this is shot is so damn intimate. I mean, we have the shots where all three are visible, but this moment is Dean talking to Cas over Cas’ shoulder, and then a closeup of Cas’s face.

Because this is intimate and this is personal and it allows us to momentarily forget Benny and rest in this moment with Cas who is feeling things he never thought he’d feel.

Now, much as Dean thinks he’s corruption to Cas, Cas thinks he’s poison to Dean. They’re so damn similar, but for just a second, Castiel forgets all that and absorbs his words—Dean needs me.

“Dean.” “And if Leviathan want to take a shot at us, let them.”

“Us. There’s an us here, now." I know I have referenced that line from Dawson’s Creek in other metas, but that’s because it’s one of those things that stands out to me in shows—when two characters choose to become an us.

Dean and Sam are a dynamic duo, brothers. But Cas? Much as Dean tries to say he sees him like a brother or whatnot, it’s because he’s trying to fit his relationship with Cas into a heteronormative box based on his life of experience.

And, yes, Benny makes three, but Dean is making a point to Cas, here. You don’t have to do this alone. We are going to do this together.

“We ganked those bitches once before, we can do it, again.”

Look at Dean’s face. He wants to do this with Cas. He can’t imagine going on without him.

“Let me bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you.”

Dean has abandonment issues. He also has a fear of failing people. The people who need him most. The people he loves.

And all of this—from Dean saying he needs Cas to saying he won’t leave without him—has been shot without a glimpse of Benny. This was intentional. This tells a story.

We’re going on a journey in this scene, and for this particular part, Benny is a distraction. Because this is about the Destiel.

This is about Dean trying to get through to Castiel, and Cas trying to appease Dean enough to keep him moving, to get him to safety, knowing that he won’t follow behind.

Because Dean’s motivation in this scene is to get Cas and get back on the road. Castiel’s motivation is to get rid of Dean to keep him safe. But Cas quickly realizes Dean won’t move on without him.

Because Dean needs him.

Castiel is a burden to Dean and Benny, here. He’s literally a lightning rod for Leviathans and will dramatically reduce their chance of escape. But Dean doesn’t care.

That’s what is so wild about this. It’s the “heart choice” as Sam would say. Dean’s making the heart choice for Cas because he loves him.

It doesn’t matter what kind of love, at this point. It’s love. And it’s what Dean believes will pull that resistant Angel outta Purgatory, no matter what.

No, y’all weren’t crazy. I hope you know that.

This final shot on the water is beautiful.

Benny has been there during the scene, and when he was trying to split these two up by baiting Cas, he was in between them in a lot of the shots.

Then, what it got personal, the shots transitioned until it was close ups of Dean and Cas—because this is them. Dean unyielding in wanting to keep them together. Castiel doing anything to protect Dean, even if it means keeping them apart.

In this last wide shot with the three of them in silhouette, Benny is on the outside, and Cas and Dean are facing one another. What a beautiful metaphor for how the scene started to how it ended.

Yes, Cas intends to stay, but he’s going to stay with Dean as long as he can. He will protect him as well as he can. Now, the fate of the world doesn’t matter for him. He’s in Purgatory, so what can he do about it?

But the fate of one man? Maybe he can have a hand in saving that one man.

"I know we’re not mates, Kevin, but one word of advice. Run. Run far and run fast. Because the Winchesters, well, they have a habit of using people up and watching them die bloody.”

The camera shows us Dean, his reaction to these words. Bobby’s gone. Cas is gone. And this kid… Well, who can blame this kid for being scared?

“What’s that kid thinking?” “He thinks people I don’t need anymore, they end up dead.” “Dean, that that’s not true. You know that.”

Don’t “need”. Need. And, yes, this is a different kind of need because he did need Cas and Cas still ended up dead, as far as he knows.

Look, I have definitely felt that Cas was used up a lot by the Winchesters. So many times he had to remind them that he was at literal war and they didn’t care.

They were hard on him. They were patronizing to him. They called him only when they needed things and off-hand sort of offered help… but by that point it was far too late.

This doesn’t excuse Cas’ bonehead decisions in Season 6. He made those on his own. Both “the Winchesters were using Cas like a personal pan Angel” and “Castiel was being a fucking moron” can be true at the same time.

S8E05 -

“I don’t think it would work for me.” “You hear what he’s telling you, Dean? Your buddy is saying-.”

“Your buddy”. We’ve officially entered the stage where people finally start addressing Dean with the “your such and such” stuff.

“Listen to me you undead blood junkie, I’m the one with the mojo. I’m the one with the plan. Cas, we’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

Dean is so determined that the plan will work. And this is so damn true to character that I could kiss him (platonically, on the cheek) for being who he is. Because that’s why we love Dean Winchester—he keeps at it even when it seems damn impossible.

But, yeah, he’s totally missing the point—Cas is trying to say goodbye.

“My life changed when she entered it, Dean. Everything I had been or done up to that point just… seemed to vanish into what we had become together. I mean, we found it, man.”

Why is this such a parallel for Castiel and Dean? In this version, Castiel and Benny are in the same position—two beings who had entire lives before they met the one they loved.

And from that point on, everything was different.

Dean changed Cas. And as the Vampires came for Benny, the Angels came for Cas. It’s so damn obvious if you just sit and listen.

“The Angel knows it. We are never gonna make it with him next to us glowing like a beacon.” “Do I need to remind you of our deal? Of what you committed to?” “He is gonna get us killed.”

But just a moment later, Benny saves Cas from a Leviathan, and that secures Dean’s loyalty. Because, Benny knows that it would be easier for him and Dean to make it without Cas—but Dean’s not going anywhere without his Angel.

So, instead of letting the Leviathan magnet die, Benny saves him.

S8E06 -

“Well, I guess people change, don’t they?”

This is Dean talking about not killing Benny, and I think it’s important that Dean is on a journey of his own, here. It’s independent of Cas, and there’s nothing wrong with that. For so long, Dean was the one to “Kill first, talk later”.

He can’t be a static character, and I’m glad they explored this side of him, to be honest. I think he needed to see that he could be more than just what was expected of him.

But I think it’s important to remember that Dean is a creature of habit and that change isn’t as easy for him as it is for others. He’s slower to see the humanity in Benny, Meg, Crowley, Rowena, etc. He takes a while to catch up.

And it’s the same with his love for Cas. It’s going to take him longer to get there because it’s outside of what he expects of himself, of what he expects for his life, of who he thinks he’ll be.

For goodness sake, it isn’t until the Penultimate episode of the series, fresh off Castiel’s declaration of love that he sees himself as anything other than the killer he’s been “destined” to be. And Cas’ love did that.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself…

S8E07 -

MUSIC: “If it’s the last thing we ever do, we got to get out of this place. Girl, there’s a better life for you and me.”

I didn’t catch it the first time I watched the scene, but as I rewatched, I had to giggle a little at that music choice. And, yes, it was a choice.

This show is all about nostalgia when it comes to music because that’s a big part of Dean’s personality. Music takes him back to times when things were simpler. Sometimes they remind him of his Mom.

Dean isn’t expecting to see Cas on the side of the road as this particular line plays, but somebody made that choice, and we get to read into it. Yay!

Is it about getting out of Purgatory, Dean and Cas? That seems like the obvious read on it, right? And the end of the song is literally “Believe me, baby. I know it. You know it, too.”

So, Dean’s listening to a love song about getting away with your baby at the exact moment Cas first tries to connect with him from wherever he is.

“I was about to say you look like you’ve seen a ghost, but you’d probably be stoked. You okay?” “Yeah, I’m cool.”

His tone is so… resigned. Like, he has to be okay, because there’s no way he actually saw Castiel? Right!?

Until… he sees him again outside the window. And let’s address how insane their connection is that Sam never sees Cas during this weird in-between period of Cas trying to get through. It’s only Dean.

Plus, we know poor Castiel is probably undergoing his lobotomy about, now. So, does this mean he’s trying to reach out during the process? That he’s trying to escape? That some part of him knows something is wrong and he needs to get to Dean?

Dean closes the laptop and goes to the window, looking out. It wakes Sam.

“I just saw something." “Uh, you saw what?” “Cas."

Ackles is killing me with how softly he delivers a single syllable, how wistful and wishful.

“Cas? Where?” “Right there. And, and and earlier on the road. I feel like I’m seeing him.” “That’s not possible. I mean, you said it yourself. You made it out and he didn’t.” “I tried so damn hard to get us out of there.”

Us. There’s an us here.

“I know you did.” “You know, I could have pulled him out, I just don’t understand why he didn’t try harder.” {Dean walks away, and even when his brother approaches him, Dean’s eye go to the window, not Sam} “Dean. You did everything you could.” “Yeah, but why do I feel like crap?” “Survivors guilt?” “Hm.”

I mean, there’s also a far less hetero explanation, Sam, but I get why you’re not going there, yet.

“If you let it, this is gonna keep messing with you. You’ve gotta walk past it.”

But Dean can’t. He’s stuck on this moment, on his failure, on his belief that he let Cas down.

“Dean, it’s a human portal. There’s no still proof that an angel can pass.” “Stow it, Cas. You’re coming. That’s final.” “I’m just saying {Cas puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder. It stops them both} if it doesn’t work. Thank you for everything.” “Save the hallmark. Okay? It’s gonna work. Nobody gets left behind.”

Or forgotten. I’m sorry, am I the only one who thought that because of Lilo & Stitch? Then, again, maybe I’m not the target demo for Supernatural at all and this is all a terrible, terrible mistake.

But the point here is that Cas is trying to prepare Dean for the ultimate failure because he’s afraid to tell Dean the truth. And even more afraid that Dean will get stuck in Purgatory trying to get him out.

“Hello, Dean.”

I started laughing so hard, which is so inappropriate. I mean, Cas just showed up in Dean’s reflection, over his shoulder as his little Angel. And all I can think about is Sam on the other side of this touching moment looking at nothing but Cas Ass.

Something’s seriously wrong with me.

But, once, again, as soon as Cas appears, he’s cropped out of the shots. This moment right here is for Dean and Cas.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to reach out, but for whatever reason I wasn’t at full power. So I couldn’t connect with you.” “That must have been why you kept seeing him. I mean, you think?” … “I’m dirty.” “Yeah, well, Purgatory will do that to you.”

Dean’s thrilled to have Castiel back, but alarm bells are going off in his head. He knows that there was only a human hatch outta Purgatory and Cas has zero memory of how he got here.

I don’t think he’s worried that Cas is something else—Demon, Shapeshifter, Leviathan—but he’s worried about Cas and what it means for all of them that he can’t remember how he got there.

Cas walks out of the bathroom, not only clean, but finally wearing his trademark Castiel costume fully for the first time since the first episodes of Season 7. He smiles as he presents himself, so damn proud.

And the audience gets to see Castiel settled as himself, again. He’s no longer grappling with the mental anguish he took on from Sam, but anyone who’s seen the series before knows the alarm bells going off in Dean’s head are warranted.

Ackles’ acting choice is baffling to me, though. I don’t mean it in a critical sense! I only mean to say that I have watched it over and over and there are so many interpretations that I’m struggling to land on one that resonates most with me.

It feels unsettled, to me, while others read it in a sexual manner. I can see it that way, but I’m going to go with Dean just being unsettled to see Cas shift so quickly from Purgatory putrid to squeaky-clean Angel.

They try to fall into a familiar rhythm, but even sitting in the car with Castiel behind him, Dean’s mind is on Purgatory.

"Cas, can I talk to you outside?” “What?” “Exactly. What? What the hell happened? Back there. Purgatory. I told you I would get you out. We were there. It’s like you just gave up. It’s like you didn’t believe we could do it.”

There are are so many times where Dean is disappointed when Cas doesn’t appear to trust him. It devastates him every time, and I don’t think Cas even realizes it, yet.

“You kept saying that you didn’t think it would work. Did you not trust me?”

I swear, I forgot he said that, here. But, I guess it goes to show I was on the right track. Score one for Rachel!

“Dean-" “I did everything I could to get you out. Everything!” {Cas’ eyes narrow… he’s looking} I did not leave you.”

His abandonment issues are flaring here. He doesn’t want to do to others what he felt was done to him. He feels like he’s always been abandoned. and he would never do that to Cas.

Because when he and Cas went into Purgatory, he’d forgiven Cas. Cas actually helped him save the day. Cas came through despite his fears and self-doubt.

Dean believed in him and he was going to protect him, damnit, because Cas was family. And Ackles is doing a phenomenal job here of weaving his anger with anguish, his frustration with heartbreak.

It’s such a complicated character—one who has a vision of who he is supposed to be so carved into him that it rivals the Enochian sigil on his ribs. And, yet, he is so much more layered than he often allows himself to be.

And Ackles has the job of conveying that to us since we can’t see inside of Dean’s head. He’s really doing a lovely job here. I stop and rewind that line quite a bit because someone in that editing booth was smart enough to hang onto the shot long enough to let Ackles emote the shit out of it long after his lips stop moving.

“So you think this was your fault?”

Dean doesn’t like when Cas sees him like that… sees through him. It makes it so much harder for him to deflect and hide his emotions.

Cas smites the demon, but he’s worn, and Dean notices immediately. He rushes to the Angel and grips his shoulder.

“What the hell is going on? You’re not all the way back, are you?”

Dean is so much more aware of Castiel this season. Damn, I like this.

“It’s not working.” “Dean, I’m going in.” “Cas, no. You’re not strong enough.”

Dean is concerned. This is such a shift from last season where Dean was pushing, pushing, pushing at Cas to get him to do something despite him not being fully himself.

He just got Cas back, and he’s trying to protect him. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s that he can’t lose him, again, so suddenly.

But Cas goes in, anyway. And after he destroys the tablet, the door opens to reveal Dean. He rushes immediately to his Angel, gripping his shoulder to help him sit up. They hold each other’s gazes just long enough for Dean to confirm he’s okay.

“That was a bonehead move back there. You could have gotten yourself killed. Why didn’t you wait for me?” “Well, I didn’t get killed and it worked.” “And if it didn’t?” “It would have been my problem.”

Last season, Dean was telling Cas to clean up his mess. Well, Cas internalized that, it seems.

Also, Season 8 moves to them really speaking to one another more like equals. In Season 4 and even 5, Cas does a lot of talking down to Dean. Season 6 and 7, Dean does a lot of talking down to Cas.

In Season 8, there’s this evening of the plane between them that really shines in their few episodes together at the front half of the season.

“Well, that’s not the way I see it.” “Hey, everything isn’t your responsibility. Getting me out of purgatory wasn’t your responsibility.”

This is kinda sad, to see that Cas thinks of himself as a responsibility or obligation. But, it’s not entirely wrong for him to see that, especially considering how Dean talked about Sam during his wild, brothel-filled night out with Cas.

Dean does often feel like he’s responsible for everything. That’s why he hunts. He thinks he doesn’t deserve a quiet life as long as there are terrible things out there that will ruin the quiet lives of others.

“You didn’t get out. So, whose fault was it?” “It’s not about fault. It’s about will. Dean, do you really not remember?” “I lived it, Cas. Okay, I know what happened.” “No. You think you know. You remembered it the way you needed to.”

Every now and then we get a reminder that Castiel is a freaking Angel and he can see inside of Dean. He realizes that Dean’s memory is faulty, that he has false guilt, and he wants to lift it from him.

“Look, I don’t need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? For failing you like I’ve failed every other godforsaken thing that I care about!"

And there it is. He cares about Cas. He feels like he failed Cas. And he hates to let down the ones he loves.

“I don’t need it.” “Dean, just look at it. Really look at it. {He shows Dean} See, it wasn’t that I was weak. I was stronger than you. I pulled away. Nothing you could have done would have saved me because I didn’t want to be saved.”

“I pulled away” is just insane, here. But, also, “I didn’t want to be saved”. What was it that Chuck said at the end of Season 5? That Dean didn’t want Cas to save him?

These two are so alike, and they just don’t see it. Always punishing themselves more than anyone else will ever punish them.

“What the hell are you talking about?” “It’s where I belonged. I needed to do penance after the things I did on earth and in heaven, I didn’t deserve to be out and I saw that clearly while I was there. I, I planned to stay all along. I just didn’t know how to tell you. You can’t save everyone, my friend. Though you try.”

There are tears in Dean’s eyes, and his lip starts to quiver. He’s upset. He’s heartbroken in a different way. He realizes how Cas punished himself.

Dean forgave him and wanted Cas to come with him, but Cas couldn’t forgive himself. That’s something else they share, now.

Everything Dean did in Hell… everything Cas did on Earth and in Heaven… they both have shame that digs so deep into who they are that they don’t think they deserve to be saved.

From “You can’t save everyone” to “You don’t think you deserve to be saved”.

They share this in a profound and horrible way that few other beings could. It’s another thread of connection between them that, oh, both would give anything for the other not to know such pain.

Dean clams up as soon as Sammy appears. All the vulnerability he was showing with Cas… it’s gone. And it’s not that Dean can’t be vulnerable with his brother, but that’s different. What he has with Cas is different from what he has with his brother.

Much as Dean tries to smash Cas into a “brother” box because it’s what he knows, we are to a point where their relationship is something else, and Dean doesn’t yet realize it.

“Just, uh, setting a few things straight.”

Because we’re not. What, that’s not what he said?

Dean looks to Cas and he’s still in that moment. He’s still there… he hasn’t released, yet, from what he just realized and saw.

“Yes, I’m with you. If that’s alright.”

Cas takes this right to Dean. He knows that Dean gets final say when it comes to him, and he knows that he just dropped a bombshell on his friend. So, he’s willing to do whatever Dean wants, here.

“It is, right? You two are good?” “Yeah.”

But Dean is pensive, still lost, still worried about Cas.

Look, we already know Heaven and Hell know about Destiel. Now Purgatory does, too, and I’m fairly certain Sammy here is in the know. I think the very last person to know is Dean, but that’s a story for much later in this Meta.

Also, this concludes Dean’s Season 8 Widower Arc. It gets worse every time he loses Cas, but this time is a tough one because he thinks he failed Cas.

He thinks he let him down. He thinks he left Cas in Purgatory despite all his best efforts. But the truth sets him free, to an extent.

S8E08 -

“What’s the word, Cas?” “It’s a shortened version of my name.”

Dean wags his head in the usual “Autistic Cas” moment way, and not the “Cas lost his marbles” way. It’s refreshing. It feels like we’re back.

“I mean what the word on the word. Any, uh, tablet chatter on Angel radio?” “Oh, I couldn’t say. I turned that off.” … “Why’d you flip the switch?” “Because it’s a direct link to Heaven, and I don’t want anything to do with that place. Not anymore.”

This is so heartbreaking. Cas is running from Heaven and staking his claim with the Winchesters. He wants to stay with them.

I mean, he literally said in Season 6 there were times he’d rather be on Earth with them rather than in Heaven. His allegiances and alliances have shifted so significantly.

“Wait, Cas. Cas. If you wanna play cowboys and bloodsuckers, that’s fine, but you’re gonna stick with us, okay? None of this zapping around crap. Capiche?” “Yeah, I capiche.”

Look, it’s another arc for Castiel, right? Later, we’ll see him hunt quite well on his own. But, he can’t start off an expert, especially with his learning curve with all things human.

At the hotel, the boys are working while Cas researches in his own way—watching cartoons. And, Castiel is sitting on a bed, again.

At this point, it just feels like an unnecessary middle finger, but it makes me laugh every time. Cas is gonna sit on the bed, damnit!

“I understand. The bird represents God and coyote is man endlessly chasing the divine yet never able to catch up to him. It’s hilarious.”

He plays it off, but we know he’s saying that because from Dean’s look, he’s not getting the message they’d hoped. Cas starts going through Dean’s bag, again, just looking at the various things.

And Dean never calls him on it. He never does. He just ignores it as the Angel explores and learns.

“Cas, you gonna book a room or what?” “No, I’ll stay here.” “Oh, okay, yeah. We’ll have a slumber party and braid Sam’s hair. Where are you gonna sleep?” “I don’t sleep.” “Okay, well I need my four hours so” “I’ll watch over you.” “That’s not gonna happen.”

Dean, you know that Castiel doesn’t sleep. You’re literally the one who mentioned it when he was Emmanuel, and when Cas was briefly human in Season 5 and you saw him sleeping, you and Sam discussed how Angels don’t sleep.

So, either this slipped past the writers or Dean conveniently forgot.

“Hey, can you lift this?”

Cas nearly rolls his eyes as he does, and Dean’s a little impressed, here, if he’s honest. Like, “My Angel is fit!” Am I right?

“Your father. Beautiful handwriting."

He is literally reading John Winchester’s journal. And Dean doesn’t seem surprised or whatever. He doesn’t seem to worry about boundaries with the Angel much, anymore, which is fascinating. There’s such a level of trust there.

Also, sitting on beds continues.

“How are you feeling Cas?” “I’m fine.” “Well, I just, I, I know that when I got puked out of purgatory it took me a few weeks to find my sea legs.”

Partly because you were mourning Cas, you big lug.

“I’m fine.” “Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy you’re back. I’m freaking thrilled. It’s just this whole mysterious resurrection thing. It always has one mother of a downside.”

Dean’s truly trying to watch out for Cas, here, for all of them. He knows that Cas is off because he knows Castiel well enough, now, to know what to look for. He honestly wants to help Cas while protecting them all from whatever other shoe might be about to drop.

{Cas closes the book and looks at him} “So, what do you want me to do?” “Maybe take a trip upstairs.” “To heaven?” “Yeah. Poke around. See if the God squad can’t tell us how you got out.” “No.” “Look man I hate those flying ass monkeys as much as you do but-” “Dean, I said no!”

It’s a rare moment of Castiel losing his cool in the midst of an otherwise non-confrontational conversation with Dean. And it’s definitely off.

So, Dean does the most human thing he can. He closes his laptop, walks away from work, and sits on the bed across from Cas, giving him his full attention.

This is such growth for Dean, here. He is investing in Cas. Not because of what Cas can do for him or help him with, but because he cares about Cas. We’ve crossed into a new state of being for them as a unit—one with mutual respect.

It was a long time coming, and it’s probably why some of their Season 8 scenes are among my favorite Destiel scenes ever, this one included.

“Talk to me.” “Dean, I-”

Cas sets down the journal, squares up with Dean so they’re facing one another, and finally looks him in the eye.

“When I was bad and I had all those things the leviathans writhing inside of me, I caused a lot of suffering on Earth, but I devastated heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind and I, I can’t go back.” “Cause if you do the angels will kill you.” “Because if I see what heaven’s become, what I… what I made of it, I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

For Cas to admit something like this is huge. He’s a being that’s been around since almost the beginning of time, but in addition to wanting to leave himself in a dimension where he was constantly hunted, he now is struggling with suicidal thoughts.

The impact of Cas’ words hit Dean just as Sam walks in. Dean tries to stay focused on Cas, but Cas is eager for the out and he gets up, breaking the moment.

“You go Invisible Girl and keep an eye on him, you hear me?”

This is fascinating to me, because Dean is essentially telling Cas to spy, the very thing he did that got him in trouble back in Season 6 and gave him away when he was working with Crowley.

It’s no longer touchy or concerning to Dean. It’s a skill Cas has that they are going to use… and rarely use, again.

“Cas, you get to ride shotgun. You done good.”

And, gosh, Cas wants that. He wants to be with Dean and Sam and keep going. But Naomi holds him back.

S8E10 -

“Damn it, Cas. How many times I gotta tell you, it’s just creepy.” "Dean, I need your help. The angel Samandriel, he’s been taken." … “So, who snatched Heaven’s most adorable angel?”

Are you trying to make Cas jealous, Dean? Also, I think it’s funny how Dean can never sleep through Cas watching him. Honestly, Cas wants Dean to wake so they can talk.

“Yes, which is why I need your help. It seems this is gonna involve, talking to people.” “Come on, Cas, I thought you were a hunter, now.” “Well, I thought so, too, but, it seems I lack a certain-“ “Skill? {slams porn shut} You saw nothing.”

Why the sudden embarrassment, Dean? Two seasons ago, Cas was watching porn in the hotel room and you were annoyed with him, but not embarrassed by it. I mean, you were the one to comment on his boner!

Cas politely looks away as Dean reopens the laptop. He quickly exits out of the porn and get to work.

But I find the shift in sex from a go-to joke or moment of levity to taboo between them fascinating.

Yes, I know I’m over-using that word. But I’m writing this Meta in between a bunch of real world ridiculousness, so I’m not gonna be too hard on me for ignoring the Thesaurus.

“All right. What am I looking for?”

PAUSE: This is huge. I mean, all of Season 6 Cas tried to tell them he was at war and they treated him like shit. Now, Cas comes with a need and Dean wants to help. That is growth.

“Hey, what do you say this doesn’t pan out we head back to that beer-and-bacon Happy Hour about a mile back, huh?”

Aww. Cas doesn’t eat, but Dean wants to, like, hang out and eat with him. That’s more growth!

“And I need both of you, as you say, to stow your crap. Can you do that?”

Forceful Cas is back! I love forceful Cas! Because sometimes he gets so puppy-eyed in later seasons that we forget he’s a badass warrior Angel.

“After killing so many, I need to save at least this one.”

He looks to Dean. Dean gets it, now, Cas’ mindset. And he was the one to meet Samandriel and know they were friends.

“Cas, go.”

Okay, mad creative use of the Angel Swoop, here. Instead of the camera swooping to reveal Cas, it swoops out with Dean’s outstretched hand to reveal the angels are gone. That’s some mighty neat directing, there!

Naomi orders Cas to kill Samandriel, his friend, and he does it almost without question. There’s no real hesitation. He echoes what Naomi tells him to say, but Dean and Sam both know something’s really wrong.

Also, him taking the body up to Heaven after saying he wanted nothing to do with Heaven a few episodes ago is wild. So, yeah, the Winchesters are right to wonder what the fuck is up with their friend.

It will be seven episodes before we see Cas, again. Seven episodes apart from him. Guest actor work is wild.

S8E13 -

“Anything from Cas?” “No, not, not a peep. Why, you?” “No, He’s, uh, he’s not answering.”

Dean’s the one to bring him up. After a year of chasing him down in Purgatory only to lose him at the last minute, he’s eager to keep an eye on the guy.

S8E14 -

“I’ll tell you what I do know. It’s that I’m gonna die with a gun in my hand. Cause that’s what I have waiting for me. That’s all I have waiting for me."

Ehh… you’ll have friends. Family. And an Angel waiting for you, my boy. But, that’s a while off, yet.

“I want you to get out. I want you to have a life, become a man of letters, whatever. You with a wife, and kids, and, and grandkids. Living til you’re fat and bald and chugging viagra. That’s my perfect ending and it’s the only one that I’m gonna get. So I’m gonna do these trials. I’m gonna do them alone, end of story. You’re staying here. I’m going out there.”

He doesn’t know how right he is about that future. I know including this isn’t very “Destiel” of me, but I think it’s important to see where Dean is mentally apart from Cas.

“I believe in you, Dean, so please, please, believe in me, too.”

Belief is powerful, and that’s something that this show really addresses over and over. It’s not about faith in any specific thing. It’s about faith in something and someone. And Dean’s faith is shakier than anyone’s in anything.

It’s just good to remember that every so often.

S8E16 -

“So, no word from Cas. Kevin’s taking his sweet little time. And you’re acting cagey.”

Again, Dean’s the one to bring up Cas. He’s thinking a lot about his Angel.

“Cas, you got your ears on? Listen, you know I am not one for praying. Cause in my books it’s, it’s the same as begging. But this is about Sam so I need you to hear me. We are going into this deal blind, and I don’t know what’s ahead. Or what it’s gonna bring for sam. Now he’s covering pretty good but I know that he is hurting and this one was supposed to be on me. So for all that we’ve been through, I’m asking you… you keep a lookout for my little brother, okay? {Looks for him} Where the hell are you, man?”

This is the most earnestly we’ve seen Dean pray to Cas. It’s heartbreakingly beautiful, but layered with trust and truth. He’s worried about his brother and he’s asking Castiel to be the one to take care of him, to watch out for him.

This is Dean’s mission in life—protect Sammy. And he’s asking Cas to join him in. I mean, that’s huge. Some people bring a new adult into their kid’s life, and I know that’s a big move of trust. I’ve lived it as that kid.

Dean is demonstrating that trust he still has in Cas despite his shady behavior this season. He believes Cas will do this for him… if only he’ll answer.

S8E17-

This opener is so fucking creepy and I love it. Castiel being conditioned to kill Dean Winchester. And it doesn’t take a handful or a dozen of dummies for Naomi to be satisfied with Castiel’s brainwashing.

No, as we pull out we see hundreds and hundreds of Dean Winchesters slain by Castiel’s hand. Over and over she taught him to murder him, to end him, to destroy him.

The path to Hell might be lined with good intentions, but the floors of Heaven are lined with dead bodies. Gee wiz!

“How about you answer some questions, first, like where the hell have you been?” “You heard me, didn’t you.” “You prayed to him? “Yes, I heard you.”

This hurts. Because prayer is a sign of faith, and to know that Cas heard him and didn't answer hurts like hell. And Dean should know!

“Well, he puts the ’ass’ in ’Cas’, huh?”

No. Dean. Because Castiel has one S in his name, but we’ll let it slide because that Angel’s in love with you enough not to correct you.

“He’s definitely off." “Off? He hasn’t been right since he got back from Purgatory and we will don’t know how he got out of there.” “I don’t know, Dean, if he’s so sketchy then why were you praying to him?” “You know I can hear you both. I am a celestial being.”

This is one thing that really makes me laugh, sometimes. I mean, there are times I think the show forgets Cas is a celestial being, too, but these two really underestimate him and his powers.

But, Dean is so right to be suspicious and worried. It just goes to show how much better he knows Cas, now. He can tell when Cas is himself and when something else is going on.

“You really think we can trust Meg-stiel.”

Also, don’t think I haven’t missed the hilarity of Ackles being the one chosen to deliver this line. The popularity of combining the names of characters to form ship names originated with Soap Operas, and our dear Texas prince, here, was quite the Soap star back in the day. So, that gave me an extra giggle.

“You haven’t been fine since the first trial. That’s why I called Cas.” … “Dean, I’m telling you, I’m okay.” “No, you’re not. Sam… you’re damaged in ways even I can’t heal. Dean’s right. You should stay here and protect Meg.”

And I’m one of those who thinks Cas did have a genuine connection with Meg. Now, we all know he’s doing this mostly because Naomi wants to keep Cas close to the tablet, no matter what. But I don’t mind Meg-stiel.

It’s not my Ship, but it’s a good ship. And the brief stint of Meg and Dean sharing Cas will forever make me smile.

“I can’t let you take that, Dean.” “Can’t? Or won’t?” “Both.” “How did you get out of Purgatory, Cas?”

Dean sees an opportunity, and he’s leaping for it. He’s going to use the leverage he thinks he has to get answers, damnit.

BACK IN HEAVEN: There has to be another way., You have done this a thousand times, Castiel. You’re ready. Kill him. Then take the tablet and bring it home where it belongs.

"Just tell me how you got out of purgatory. Be honest with me. For the first time since you’ve been back, and this is yours. ... Cas. Cas, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but if you’re I there and you can hear me, you don’t have to do this. Cas!"

BACK IN HEAVEN: This isn’t right. … I won’t hurt Dean., Yes, you will. You are.

“Cas, fight this. This is not you. Fight it!”

This strikes me so hard. Dean is fully aware that this is not Cas, that Cas would never do this. Yes, Cas beat the shit out of him in Season 6, but there was a reason behind that that Dean understood.

This blind abuse without emotion? That’s not Cas.

Cas feels. He has too much heart. This is passionless, emotionless, and very much like a Terminator executing a kill order.

And Dean believes Cas can fight this. That’s what strikes me about Season 8—Dean has such faith in Cas.

BACK IN HEAVEN: {Cas is holding his head. This is killing him.} “What have you done to me?” “Just relax, Castiel, let your vessel do what you know deep down is the right thing.”

This strikes me, taking me back to Dean whipping Cas around in that Burger & Beer room back in Season 4, saying that the angel knew the difference between right and wrong.

Naomi has no idea how deep Dean is in Castiel’s veins, in his mind, in the Angelic equivalent of a heart. His protests begin to bleed out, the connection wearing thinner as he starts to speak aloud on Earth.

“What have you done to me, Naomi?” “Who’s Naomi?”

Dean was right. Something is wrong, and he can see Cas fighting it. He’s doing it. He’s trying to fucking fight, which is what Dean always asks Cas to do.

BACK IN HEAVEN: “What have I done to you? Do you have any idea what it’s like out there. There’s blood everywhere and it’s on your hands. After everything you did to us, to heaven, I fixed you, Castiel. I fixed you.”

Season 7 Castiel lamented that he couldn’t “fix” things. Season 6 Castiel “fixed” what he could by saving Lisa. Season 8 Castiel was “fixed” by Naomi. It comes back around and around, again, but so much is still broken.

“You want it? Take it. But you’re gonna have to kill me first. Come on, you coward. Do it. Do it!”

This harkens back to the fight in Season 5 when Dean was bloodied on the ground in the alley. He told Castiel to finish it off, and that is when Castiel stopped before. He stopped before when Dean goaded him, encouraged him, egged him on.

Will it be enough this time?

BACK IN HEAVEN: “Please." “End this Castiel.”

He pleads for mercy. He begs.

On Earth, Dean reaches for Cas free hand, grabbing his arm. Castiel doesn’t shrug it off. He’s in a trance, but you can tell he’s still aware of Dean. Dean knows it, too.

So Dean tries what he can to break through.

“Cas, this isn’t you. This isn’t you. Cas. Cas.”

Cas raises his weapon to deliver a final blow, but he pauses. He stalls. His arm hovers in the air, somewhere between the connection.

“I know you’re in there. I know you can hear me. Cas. It’s me. We’re family. We need you. I need you.”

The last time he said this was in Purgatory, and oh how it nearly destroyed Cas then. Because Cas knows by now that he needs Dean. But here, it’s somehow even more personal.

Because Dean starts with the bigger picture and brings it smaller. He starts with “we”—me and Sammy. But then, it becomes more intimate.

It’s about you and me, Cas. It’s about us. I need you.

BACK IN HEAVEN: “You have to choose, Castiel. Us or them.”

That’s all it takes for Cas to know his choice. Despite the connection still being open, the weapon tumbles from his hand. He releases Dean, and the wounded human falls back as Cas reaches for the tablet.

The second he connects with the tablet, something Angelic happens, and the thinning connection snaps.

Because the tightly braided cord between him and Dean is strong and resilient. When asked to choose between the two, there wasn’t a chance in Hell he was choosing Heaven.

Dean’s love for Cas broke through. Now, is it romantic love at this point? I don’t know that I’d call it that, personally. But it is love.

Cas realizes what he’s done to Dean, and rather than wave a hand over his face or touch a finger to his forehead, Cas reaches out with his open hand to cup Dean’s face. It’s intimate. It’s personal. It’s purposeful.

There’s healing in the touch, of course, but there’s also love. And for Cas… yes, yes I think he’s at least beginning to realize the depths of his love for Dean Winchester.

Dean’s fear before the healing sets in is palpable, his voice breaking as he repeats Cas’ name. He grips Cas’ sleeve in anticipation of the pain, then his fingers falter as the restoration settles over him, instead.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” “What the hell just happened?”

Yeah, yeah. You’re about to get an earful, my friend.

“So this Naomi has been controlling you since she got you out of Purgatory.” “Yeah.” “Well, what broke the connection?”

The tablet finished the job, but the connection was already breaking. Because of love. Dean Winchester’s love for Cas broke through. Again, I don’t think it’s romantic on his end, yet, but for Castiel, that shift has been in motion for a while.

So, when Dean speaks honestly for love, it connected with the love in Cas for him. It was strong enough to send the weapon tumbling from his hands, to allow our Cas to break through enough to quirk an eyebrow of curiosity as he reached for the tablet.

The subtlety in that little bit of performing is phenomenal because I had to really look to be sure I wasn't imaging it. The tablet set him free, yes, but I fully believe it was only because the link to Naomi was already fraying and failing because of Dean.

“So, what happened? I mean, Cas touched the tablet and it reset to him his factory settings or something?” “I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is that he is off the reservation with a, a heavenly WMD. Listen, man, I can’t take anymore lies from anyone.”

Oh, Dean. He wasn’t trying to lie this time. He was literally lobotomized and he told you so.

Maybe you’ll give him a little more grace on this one because, y’know, he was programmed to fucking kill you and your love for him broke through enough to stop him.

On another note: "Goodbye Stranger" is such a fucking banger. Yes, I know it came out before I was born (1984), but my mother hated the music of the 80’s and 90’s so I grew up on 50’s-70’s music.

Like, I was sitting here singing along at the end. I'm so ridiculous—a walking musical jukebox of a human.

S8E18 -

“I’m fine. Are you okay?” “Me?” “Yeah, Cas dinged you up pretty good.” “And? “And I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” “What, like my feelings?” “If that’s what you want to talk about, sure.”

Sam meant his feelings the whole time. Dean’s had the shit beat out of him by Cas before, but this is different. Dean knew something was off about Cas, and he was right.

In the end, Cas took off. And, no, Dean doesn’t understand everything that Cas has been through. But, to be fair, Cas hasn’t exactly clued Dean in on much beyond that brief conversation.

Cas and Dean fight and it fucks with Dean, and Sam knows that. He's trying to give his brother space to talk it out and feel what he’s feeling, but Dean’s so damn repressed he deflects to some bullshit and Sam understandably gives up.

S8E19 -

“See, I don’t trust angels, which means I don’t trust you.” “And yet you haven’t warded this place against us.”

Damn. HBIC out here spitting truth.

But I completely understand how Dean has one Angel—one—that he trusts. Even despite all this bullshit right now, he is still trusting in Cas enough to leave the door open to him.

I only wish Cas knew that. Yes, Castiel is doing what he can to protect the tablet. But, he's gotta learn at some point that it’s better when he works with the Winchester boys.

Yes, I know this is a huge character flaw of both Dean and Cas. They both think they know what's best, go off half-cocked and do make some asinine deal or decision, then spend half a season mad the other one was the one to fuck up this time and not them.

"I know. You’re hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty. I only wish he felt the same way.”

You fucker. Look at the pain on Dean’s face. He doesn’t want Cas to let him down. He wants Cas to come back and explain himself and let them help.

“I know you don’t want to believe it, Dean, but we’re on the same side, shutting the gates of hell, bringing Castiel in from the cold. Take a moment. Think about what I’ve said.”

And here she is planting the seeds of her own destruction.

Everything she has done to Cas has been wrong, so it’s no wonder he’s later duped by Metatron into trying once again to “fix” things.

Again, consistent character flaw. But, it's so refreshing when Cas at last steps away from Heaven and lets them fuck things up on their own without him, for a change.

S8E20 -

“What about, uh, Castiel? He seems helpful and dreamy.”

We know Cas isn’t Charlie’s type, but she still calls him “dreamy”, so whose type is he? Yes, we all know it’s Dean.

And, side note, autocorrect tried to change the above to “whose top is he” and I very nearly left it in.

Just so you know, Autocorrect knows what's up with Destiel and it ain’t platonic or brotherly!

S8E21 -

I’m innocently watching the screen and a name flashes up. Directed by Robert Duncan McNeil!?! One of my favorite television directors of all time!?

No, I am not kidding. He has a certain style to his directing that allows the camera to become a character in this really beautiful way.

I caught a Chuck episode years back and told Matt it felt like it was directed by Robert Duncan McNeil. Looked it up later to find out I was right.

Anyway, I absolutely adore Castiel’s intelligence and how he evades the Angels. One of the things we forget about Cas too often is that he is incredibly intelligent.

It’s something the Winchesters don’t really appreciate because it rarely helps them. But in this scenario, Castiel’s intellect is helping him evade the evil. At least, until they figure out what will make him stop—that big damn heart of his.

“How many times have you torn into my head and washed it clean?” “Frankly, too damn many. You’re the famous spanner in the works. Honestly, I think you came off the line with a crack in your chassis. You have never done what you were told, not completely. You don’t even die right, do you?”

Our Angel is the only one like him. No wonder he fell in love with one of Chuck’s favorite human siblings. Dean and Sam do things differently, which is why Chuck has so much fun with them.

And he has to keep bringing back the Angel because he thinks it’ll help keep Dean on the path he’s writing for him. But I like knowing Cas is our Cas just as Dean is our Dean.

In all the Universes, none are like them. And they found each other.

“In the words of a… good friend, Bite me.”

Holy shit this whole thing is a mood. I mean, the pause is killing me. The eyebrow raise is killing me. The emphasis on “good friend” is killing me.

Collins, you know I’d like to live, right!? Because, you are killing me, here.

I mean, the most famous gay eyebrow raises may be Michael Sheen as Aziraphale in Series 2 of Good Omens, but this might be second in line because gee wiz that was insane!

Also, Cas hid the thing inside himself!? Yo, I’m having a real Fifth Element moment, here.

Then, Castiel literally pulls a bullet from his stomach and uses it to kill a fellow Angel.

There are times we forget how badass Cas can be. Yes, he’s good for a side-eye with his lack of Pop Culture knowledge, but he’s also a warrior Angel who’s intelligent and cunning and resourceful.

Later, Dean’s driving. And he knows before he stops who he’s spied in the road.

S8E22 -

In the bunker, Cas tries to be conversational, but Dean is pissed. He’s more pissed than he was during the whole Godstiel thing.

Because as Dean’s feelings deepen, so does the impact of Cas letting him down.

“Dean, I can go with you. Dean, I’m sorry.”

Dean finally looks to Cas.

“For what?” “For everything.” “Everything. Like, uh, like ignoring us?” “Yes.” “Or like bolting off with the angel tablet and losing it ’cause you didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust me., Yes., Yeah. Nah that’s not gonna cut it. Not this time. So you can take your little apology and you can cram it up your ass.”

Oh, yeah, Dean is real mad. But he is also hurt. I mean, look at his face. His words are mean and tough, but he’s got tears in his eyes and there’s so much pain there.

After everything they have been through. After how hard he fought to save Cas in Purgatory. After all of that, Cas didn’t trust him. Damn.

“Dean, I thought I was doing the right thing.” “Yeah, you always do.”

The dramatic push-ins on this very personal conversation are interrupted by Sam clearing his throat. And, seriously, it feels like he’s in the middle of a couple’s spat and wants out.

“Dude, go easy on Cas, okay, he’s one of the good guys.” “Dude, if anybody else, I mean anybody pulled that kind of crap I would stab them in their neck on principle. Why should I give him a free pass?” “Because it’s Cas.”

First off, those are a lot of “Dudes” in one exchange. But, also, we’re still in a phase where Sam is more attached to friends, in general, than Dean, so he’s the one going to bat for Cas, here.

Meanwhile, Cas goes shopping for Dean because he wants to do something for him. He can’t fix it, so he’s going to try to do something in its stead.

Gosh, this is reminding me of my husband, again. I’m Dean—and it should probably terrify me that I have so much in common with the traumatized, abused, anger-management-issues-on-steroids guy, but here we are—and Matthew is Cas. He’ll always try to do something for me when he can’t fix whatever is wrong in my life.

S8E23 -

“Dean, I need your help.” “I’m a little busy, Cas. Take a number.” “I’m afraid this can’t wait. Naomi has taken Metatron.” “And you know Metatron how?” “I’ve been working with him on the Angel Trials.”

Okay, here’s the thing. Mad as Dean has been at Cas, Castiel levels with him here and brings him up to speed.

“I can’t fail, Dean, not on this one. I need your help.” “Look, Cas, that’s all well and good, but you’re asking me to leave Sam… Now if anyone needs a chaperone while doing the heavy lifting, it’s Sam.”

And that’s all you need to know. Sammy will always come first for Dean. But, at the same time, he doesn’t seem as angry now that Dean has laid it all out.

Before, he was angry at Cas for not coming to him, for not trusting him. Welp, you got what you asked for, Dean. He’s here, and he’s asking for your help.

“You really think it’s wise to be drinking on the job?”

I love how Dean wordlessly passes the beer to Cas. There’s a lot less tension here than earlier. I think Cas finally coming to Dean and asking for help got through.

“What show have you been watching? Talk to me.”

I love this coming back. He’s reaching for Cas and waiting for Cas to reach back. It’s tugging at the cord between them to get a response, and even if neither realizes it, it strengthens the bond each time the other demonstrates trust.

"Are you sure about this? I mean, it’s one thing me and Sammy slamming the gates to the pit, but you, you’re boarding up heaven. And you’re locking the door behind you.” “Yeah, I know.”

Cas sips the beer. It’s the motion that is so human, because we know the alcohol itself will have little impact on him, and probably doesn’t even taste the same to him as a human.

But, they’re falling into a rhythm that will later become quite familiar. It’s refreshing after the stress of most of the season.

And, to be clear, I’m not against conflict and antagonism and miscommunications. A show would be dead without it. Nothing would ever happen and we’d all just be watching sheep graze for hours on end.

But I think a lot of shows lose sight of the importance of taking a breath every now and again. Yes, we’re fighting for something and it’s brutal and it’s exhausting and it’s stressful.

But you have to stop to breathe every so often to remind us why we’re fighting and what we’re fighting for.

We’re fighting for those kids on the swing sets that Dean and Cas watched together at the park in Season 4. We’re fighting for families and friends. We’re fighting for nights out drinking with the besties and movie nights cuddling with your special someone.

That is what we’re fighting for.

“You did a lot of damage up there, man. You think they’re just gonna let that slide.” "Do you mean, do I think they’ll kill me? Yeah, they might.” “So, this is it. E.T. Goes home.”

It strikes me how different this is from their last “last night” together. They’re in a different place, now, and Dean’s done trying to get Cas laid. Instead, they’re sitting quietly together waiting for their next move.

Another thing that strikes me is how adoringly Dean looks to Cas on that last line, only to realize his reference is, once again, not understood. It’s a blink-and-you-miss-it thing that I very well may have hallucinated. But, it’s there.

Later, Naomi corners Cas and Dean. And if she hadn’t been such a fucking bitch all season, she might have gotten through to Cas. It strikes me how Cas goes to attack Naomi, and Dean grabs his arm.

We all know Cas is strong enough to shrug Dean’s hold off with ease. But, he lets Dean stop him. Because he does trust him.

But it’s not enough. Metatron wins in the end.

Survive all that and still want more? Part III for your enjoyment! Thanks for reading!!

#john winchester #beautiful handwriting damned by faint praise 😂

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kiteblue42 · 2 months ago

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#more SPN meta #destiel is Kripke’s fault #destiel is Kim Manner’s fault #casting choices #direction choices #lighting choices #those 2 did nothing by accident #Misha is very beautiful #and can act #this is how to get renewed for season 5 🫡 respect. #great meta OP thank you 🙏

Part I - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

I remember Supernatural being on the air way back when. Hell, I briefly worked for three CID-owned The CW television stations when it was on the air.

I just realized that as I typed this. Wow, that's wild.

Tumblr's been a favorite place throughout the years to find new shows and ships. I suppose it was only a matter of time before your GIFs, posts, Summaries, and Headcannons drew me in.

WARNING: These are only my opinions. Your mileage may vary. We can all have different takes on the same source material.

SPOILERS: Nothing is held back. So, proceed with caution.

You ready? I'm ready. Let's dive in...

S4E01 -

It begins… with a handprint. That’s all Dean has as a memento of his time down below.

His scars from his violent death are gone. Any signs of what he endured—or dished out—in Hell are gone. But there’s a fiery handprint on his shoulder that is mighty unsettling.

With everything Dean knows to this point, the only possible explanation is that whatever dragged him out did it as a sick joke or a punishment of some kind.

Maybe, maybe he can believe Sam made some kind of deal, but he hopes he’s wrong on that one because he never wants Sammy in harm’s way.

He sets out to find whatever brought him back, and after it blinds someone he trusts, he’s ready for blood.

Remember, this is fresh-out-of-hell Dean. The audience doesn’t yet know, but they’ll soon enough learn what it was really like for Dean down there. What was done to him… and what he did.

So, Bobby and Dean set a trap to take out whatever this thing is. And as the light bulbs shatter and sparks rain down, the most unassuming man in a long trench coat that looks like the one my grandmother wore in the 1970’s strolls in.

It’s his gaze that makes you take pause as he strides. Yes, he blinks as the bullets slam into him, but he doesn’t slow. He remains fixed on the humans, but not with malice or ill intent. He’s focused and steady.

And in my head, I’m thinking of the Biblical Angels who often started their contact with cowering humans by saying, “Be not afraid”.

But, that’s kinda out of the question with trigger-happy Dean and Bobby. It’s more like, “Be Not A-“ BANG! “Be Not A-“ BANG! BANG!

So, I understand why Cas doesn’t even try.

Some meet the loves of their life at a bar, a place of worship, at school, or any number of mundane places. Dean and Cas first speak in a blaze of bullets, spray of sparks, and whipping wind.

“Who are you?” “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.” “Yeah. Thanks for that.”

Dean thrusts the knife into Cas’ chest, and the Angel actually looks annoyed. But he also knows that he’s got Dean’s attention, now.

Castiel pulls the knife from his chest, to Dean's horror. His eyes locked on Dean, the Angel anticipates Bobby’s attack from behind and neutralizes him.

“We need to talk, Dean. Alone.” … “Who are you?” “Castiel.”

And Cas is already going through Dean’s stuff, nonchalantly.

From moment one, this Angel has zero boundaries and no problem poking around. At this point, it’s not intimate in any fashion, but almost a disregard for personal boundaries, as though they are not of import. He simply wants to look, to see, to explore.

“Yeah, I figured that much. I mean, what are you?” “I’m an angel of the Lord.” “Get the hell out of here. There’s no such thing.” “This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith.”

And I love the implication here that faith isn’t about faith in God. It’s about faith in anything.

Dean has been through the wringer down below, and he’s seen the worst of monsters and humanity. Very little light and love has touched his life, so for a reasonable person, the lack of faith makes sense.

But, Cas isn’t a person, not really. He’s an Angel and he doesn’t quite understand.

“This is a vessel.” “You’re possessing some poor bastard?” “He’s a devout man. He actually prayed for this.” “Look, pal, I’m not buying what you’re selling. So who are you, really?” “I told you.” “Right. And why would an angel rescue me from hell?” “Good things do happen, Dean.” “Not in my experience.” “What’s the matter? You don’t think you deserve to be saved.”

This is the first time Cas uses his Angelic abilities to see through Dean—to see to the core of him.

That last bit isn’t a question. It’s Cas answering his own question with the information he sees within Dean—the human truly doesn’t believe he’s worth saving.

He wouldn’t have saved him. Not after what he did down below.

And Dean does not like Cas seeing him so clearly. It unnerves him. Dean is very good at burying everything deep so others can’t see it, but Cas sees through all that because of what he is—an Angel. So Dean’s usual defenses won’t save him, here.

“Why’d you do it?” “Because God commanded it. Because we have work for you.”

At this point, Dean still thinks the Angel is full of shit about what he is and what he’s saying. But he doesn’t try to fight him anymore. He listens enough until the Angel is gone.

S4E02 -

“Look, all I know is I was not groped by an angel. “

Really, Dean? Groped!? And, yes, at this time you were not groped by an angel, but that story may change in a few years for ya. Just sayin’.

“I’m not gonna believe this thing is an Angel of the Lord because it freakin says so.”

Oh, Dean, how little you know. Yes, there’s a lot that little Angel says that’s untrue. But he will come to believe things this Angel says just because he says them.

Later, Dean sleeps. We hear the flutter of wings and see a slumbering Dean’s eyes flutter open. The camera shifts from Dean to beyond, where we see Cas waiting.

“I thought angels were supposed to be guardians. You know, fluffy wings. Halos. Michael Landon. Not dicks. “Read the Bible. Angels are warriors of God. I’m a soldier.” “Yeah, then why didn’t you fight?” “I’m not here to perch on your shoulder. We had larger concerns.”

Cas here is everything he was supposed to be. He’s keeping an appropriate distance from the human in his charge. He’s keeping this duty entirely Heaven-oriented and not with Dean.

“The Lord works-“ “If you say in mysterious ways so help me I will kick your ass.”

Cas is exasperated here with the human. Like, oh, you sweet summer child. You think you can kick my ass?

And that annoyance turns to frustration as he steps into Dean’s personal space in a big way for the first time.

“Our numbers are not unlimited. Six of my brothers died in the field this week. You think the armies of heaven should just follow you around? There’s a bigger picture here. You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of Hell. I can throw you back in.”

It’s the dick-ish attitude that Dean ascribes to Cas, and Cas plays into here. He’s not yet enamored with the human, and it shows.

There’s no lost love between these two… yet.

S4E03 -

Ah, yes, we’ve gotten to the famous bed-sitting incident.

Cas sits on the bed, waiting for Dean to wake. And, come on, it’s not like he’s disrobed wearing nothing but a strategically placed teddy bear lounging beside Dean. He’s fully clothed, y’all. He’s perching on the edge of a bed, people.

And, look, I love the Destiel of it all. But I think it’s wild that a higher up was that incensed by Misha Collins sitting on the bed. And he just… sat on it.

Holy Cats, have we gotten this far without me mentioning the bloody actors!?

Destiel is what’s on the page and screen, yes, and it’s also the incredible chemistry between Collins and Jensen Ackles.

They’re both just sensational in their roles, with Ackles quite settled into Dean and yet still delivering such a layered performance that allows the room for a potential romance with the Angel of the Lord.

Collins comes into an established series for what he thought was a 3-episode guest arc, which is a good get for an actor, if we’re being honest (especially in this economy).

Collins has an impossible task of making an impression on the audience and TPTB… which he did. And part of that is because of these early scenes between the two performers.

There’s a level of intelligence in their scenes, a harmony of performance that sings. Some performers just click on the screen. These two do.

“Hello, Dean. And what were you dreaming about?” “You get your freak on from watching other people sleep?”

This is early on, so Dean’s still making sex jokes as a defense mechanism.

As time goes on, Dean will stop joking about sex with Cas and will even get to the point where he’s embarrassed… but we’ll get to that later.

“Oh, come on! What, are you allergic to straight answers, you son of a bitch?!”

I could say… so much. But I’ll hold my tongue… for now.

Throughout the course of the episode, Dean sees Cas doing his job. He’s supposed to make a point, supposed to show Dean something, help him learn a lesson. And he’s doing a fine job of it until the moment he sees Dean in true pain.

To me, this is the point of no return.

This is the moment Cas stepped outside of the lines for Dean Winchester. Because when he puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder, it isn’t to zap him back to the present—it’s to offer comfort.

Dean stands there, alone, with a wealth of space behind him. Nothing there. Nobody to support him. And then the camera swoops to reveal Cas standing there as the hand lands on Dean’s shoulder.

When Dean pivots to look at Cas, he sees the compassion in the Angel’s face. He feels the hand on his shoulder as companionship and connection. And as they meet one another’s eyes, it passes between them.

This isn’t a romantic moment… not, yet. But, to me, this is the inception of everything that will come to pass.

Those of us who know how the rest of the story goes know that Angels often offer nothing but contempt to humanity. Cas is later revealed to see them differently, to truly marvel at humans and all of God’s creation.

Yes, he is an Angel who tries to toe the company line—but he’s also something more, something closer to… human.

Connection is a dangerous and wonderful thing. A person could tear the world apart for the sake of connection.

But it can also be the only thing that makes getting out of bed worth a damn. Dean is driven by his determination to do the job—so other people can truly live.

But he’s also bound by the connections forged in blood and trust.

Up to this point, Cas has offered nary a glimpse of empathy. But something in Dean’s suffering tugs it to the surface.

Later, an Angel will say of Cas that too much heart was always his problem. But for us, the audience, this is our first glimpse.

And, for Dean, it’s the first time he’s seen the angel in a different way.

This moment is necessary for anything else to happen. It’s foundational. The cornerstone.

This is all head cannon, but I earnestly believe this is the point where the other Castles in all the other versions of reality tapped the guy on the shoulder and zapped him home without fanfare.

But this Castiel, our Castiel encounters Dean Winchester in a human moment—of heartache and loss—and he doesn’t stand by and wordlessly observe.

Castiel interacted. Castiel engaged. Castiel reached out at a time when Dean desperately needed it. Oh, yes, this may not be where their story begins, but I think it’s where it shifts—because they connected.

By the time they land in the present, Cas has composed himself, but he can’t look at Dean. He faces away from him as Dean laments what he couldn’t change.

I wonder if Cas already realized he’d overstepped, that he’d felt the connection for the first time and couldn’t ignore its pull.

That invisible string is thin, so thin, but it’s there… tying Cas inexplicably and irrevocably to Dean.

S4E04 -

“Why did an Angel tell me to stop you?” “Cas said if I don’t stop you, he will.”

The first “Cas”! Now, we will later hear others call Castiel “Cas”, but Dean’s never heard it before, so he’s made this choice to give the angel a nickname of his own making.

And from this point on, Dean will very rarely address Cas as “Castiel”.

S4E07 -

“It’s Castiel. The Angel.”

Like here. When Sam meets Cas, it’s as “Castiel”. We are three episodes later, and the course of history has been changed because Castiel has stuck around beyond his initial three-episode engagement.

*happy dance of shipper glee*

Collins has pulled off an incredible feat—whether it was because of his performance or because of something broken in the room, I don’t know. But, I’m glad they kept the angel around, obviously.

Now, at this point there was no guarantees of what it would become, but this episode is important.

“There’s a bigger picture, here.”

This is one of those things that Cas says a lot the first season, and it makes me laugh, a little. His view changes so many times throughout the series, as he constantly tries to balance saving Heaven and Earth and saving one man.

“We have no choice.” ”Of course you have a choice. I mean, come on, you’ve never questioned a crap order, huh? What are you both, just a couple of hammers?”

Dean knows this isn’t true about Cas. He knows because he saw something else there when they were alone.

Wow, that sounds more suggestive than I meant, but, when in Destielland, why not?

“I mean, for all we know, God hates these jerks.”

Welp, he’ll certainly come to hate Cas, but you’re not there, Winchester boys. Just wait.

“Sam, no, you’re not using your psychic whatever.” “But-“ “Don’t even think about it. Ruby’s knife is enough.” “Why?” “Because the angel said so, for one.”

I love how Cas is just “The Angel”, here. Later, this will come back in Purgatory as a big deal, but in this moment, Dean and Cas don’t have the relationship they will.

Dean’s making a point that Cas is an Angel and maybe his God-believing little brother will listen to the Angel if he won’t listen to him.

“Let me guess. You’re here for the ’I told you so’.”

Dean sits alone on the bench—a pair of benches angled inward, looking like wings if one stood in between. He sits on the far edge, closest to the inside. And when Cas appears, he appears in the exact same spot on his own bench.

These two aren’t quite aligned, yet. They aren’t sharing a bench or a table. They aren’t quite on the same page, but they’re angled toward one another as they both regard the beauty of innocence, of childhood, of playtime and imagination free of the burdens they both bear.

“Our orders-“ “Yeah, I’ve had about enough of these orders of yours.” “Our orders were not to stop the summoning of Samhain, they were to do whatever you told us to do.” “Your orders were to follow my orders, it was a test. To see how you would perform under battlefield conditions, you might say.” “It was a witch, not the Tet Offensive.”

Cas chuckles at this. It’s so… human.

“This here, these kids. The swings. Trees. All of it is still here because of my brother and me.” “You misunderstand me, Dean. I’m not like you think. I was praying that you would choose to save the town., you were?, These people, they’re all my father's creations, they’re works of art.”

Cas leans forward, admiring humanity, and Dean watches him.

Yes, he’s still keeping Cas at arm’s length. They don’t have that strong a bond, yet, but this is another moment where Dean sees how Cas is different from the other Angels—he appreciates, even admires humanity.

“The seal was broken and we are one step closer to Hell on earth for all of creation, and that’s not an expression, Dean. It’s literal. You of all people should appreciate what that means.”

This hits Dean hard. Because now he realizes that the Angel knows everything. All the things he can’t bring himself to share with Sammy, Cas knows.

Dean averts his eyes from Cas as he processes that—the Angel saved him in spite of knowing everything.

“Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?” “Okay.” “I’m not, uh, hammer, as you say. I have questions. I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore. Whether you passed or failed. But in the coming months you will have more decisions to make. I don’t envy the weight that’s on your shoulders, dean. I truly don’t.”

They hold one another’s gazes here. Cas just opened up to Dean in a truly profound way—and Dean doesn’t even realize it.

Doubts are a big deal topside. Questions, too. And despite knowing all the terrible secrets Dean carries, Cas still entrusted his to him.

Oh, sweet Angel, how you’ve already begun your freefall and you don’t know it. The words you’d never utter at this point to another angel, you speak in hushed tones to this human.

S4E10 -

“Where’s your boss?” “Oh, Castiel. He’s not here. See, he has this weakness. He likes you.”

Now, at this point would anyone know it was going romantic? No. But allegiances in Heaven are important.

Dedication to the cause. Detachment from the humans. Weakness is not to be tolerated, and Cas’ growing connection to Dean is already gaining attention. It’s a problem.

Later, when Anna and Dean kiss in the most passionless and zero chemistry relationship of the series, Cas looks away.

We could intimate it’s because he’s uncomfortable with this display of human-on-angel affection. Maybe he’s wistful, wishing it were his own angelic lips pressed against Dean’s. Perhaps the easy forgiveness she offers the human for giving her up that she will never extend to Cas.

“I’m sorry,” he says, but she doesn’t believe him. She sees him as she sees all other Angels. She doesn’t yet know what Dean knows—Cas isn’t a tool. He’s so much more.

When Alastair chokes Cas, it’s Dean who stops it, hitting the Demon upside the head with a tire iron.

It’s Dean’s first time saving Cas’ ass, and he doesn’t know it’s about to become a habit, the two of them coming to the rescue for one another time and time, again.

And when Uriel lurches at Dean and Cas stops him—the human and angel connect eyes. I don’t know if it was on the page, but the first time I saw it, I got super excited.

I realized they’re starting to silently communicate with one another. That’s important later.

There’s also the way the coverage is shot—those tight shots of Dean and Cas during moment of intense eye contact. Yes, the Eye Fuck is a big thing for these two.

But that’s part of what makes it so delicious. Not everyone has expressive eyes, but both Ackles and Collins do, so we get to really savor every. Single. Eye Fuck.

C’mon, we need something to savor since this show never gave us actual meals but plenty of crumbs!

S4E15 -

“What the hell?” “Guess again. … Why do you think I recruited you and Sam in the first place?” “You recruited us? … If you want our help why the hell didn’t you just ask?” “Because whatever I ask you seem to do the exact opposite.”

Gosh, Cas has Dean’s number already.

“You made an exception for me.” “You’re different.”

This one is so fascinating to me, this little exchange. Dean doesn’t yet know the way the Angels will use him because he broke the first Seal.

But, we can also read it romantically, if we want. Personally, I don’t think that’s what Cas meant—he was just following orders when he saved Dean, after all.

But, if we look forward, oh, Dean is different to Cas.

S4E16 -

“Dean, we know this is difficult to understand-“ “And we don’t care.”

Cas looks away when Uriel interjects, and Dean clocks that bullshit quick.

Castiel is an Angel, yes, but Dean already knows that he has the capacity for compassion, for appreciation of humanity, for questions and doubt.

Dean knows there’s more to Cas than the other Angels. And he knows something’s wrong immediately.

“No. No way. You can’t ask me to do this, Cas. Not this.”

Dean is appealing to Cas, pleading with him. He knows that Cas knows what Dean’s done. He knows that Cas is aware of humanity and empathy, if not fully engaged in either because of his celestial nature.

But Uriel interjects with pomposity, “Who said anything about asking?”

“This is too much to ask, I know. But we have to ask it.”

Look as how Cas takes steps closer to Dean, how he wants to be closer to him. He understands the stakes, but also cares about this human.

And as they hold one another’s gazes, Dean remembers the Angel who placed a hand on his shoulder when he tried not to weep over his family in the past. He remembers the Angel who sat with him on a bench and watched children play, glad that he and Sam saved the town. He asks to talk to Cas alone.

“What’s going on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?” “My superiors have begun to question my sympathies.” “Your sympathies?” “I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You.”

Hold the phone, honey, it hasn’t even been a whole season.

You’re telling me folks were calling Hellers all manner of things for years, claiming they were reaching and seeing things that weren’t there, and Cas just admitted he’s a near-eternal being whose power and authority are being usurped because he got one touch of Dean Winchester in his system and now he can’t break free… but it was all in the shippers’ imagination!?

Y’all Destiel fans must have felt so gaslit, and I am so sorry because, wow.

“They feel I’ve begun to express emotions, doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment.”

And Cas turns away from Dean. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it—it could be an actor choice, a director choice, a writing choice, or simple coincidence—but it feels like Cas does this when he tries to distance himself from Dean.

Later, there’ll be shame and bad blood between them that will cause him to avert his gaze. But here, at the beginning, there’s a tiny thread that is multiplying into a cord of connection, and Cas thinks if he looks the other way, it won’t braid itself into a rope that cannot be severed.

“You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out.” “For what it’s worth, uh, I would give anything not to have you do this.”

Dean closes his eyes, realizing there’s no way out. The only Angel who would speak up for him, who would stop this, is utterly powerless. He’s out of options. And he hates it here.

“You shouldn't be here. We still have orders to kill you.” “Somehow, I don’t think you’ll try. … What you’re feeling, it’s called doubt. These orders are wrong. And you know it. But you can do the right thing. You’re afraid, Cas, I was, too, but together we can-“ “Together? I am nothing like you. You fell.”

He doesn’t understand. He thinks the fall is so far down, that he isn’t over the edge yet.

But his trust is teetering for the sake of a man whose piercing green eyes cut through the programming of Cas’ existence. He thinks he’s still planted and rooted in his grace, but he’s already got one foot off the ledge and the other’s not far behind.

“I’m considering disobedience.” “Good.” “No, it isn’t. For the first time I feel… Anna, I don’t know what to do. Please tell me what to do.” “Like the old days? No. I’m sorry. It’s time to think for yourself.”

This is important. After saving Dean from Alastair, Cas is starting to realize just how far he’s already falling. And as soon as Anna tells him to think for himself, he reasons what happened with the Devil’s Trap and smites his own brother.

“Be unafraid,” Uriel tells him. “For the first time in a long time, I am,” Castiel responds.

He’s taking ownership of his story, of his journey, of his fears and doubts. He doesn’t yet know if he can falter without falling, but this is another one of those steps along the way.

He witnessed what happened to Dean Winchester at the hands of an Angel he trusted. And so he goes to Dean’s bedside.

“Why didn’t you just leave me there, then?” “It’s not blame that falls on you, Dean. It’s fate. And the righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it.” “Lucifer. The apocalypse. What does that mean?” {Cas doesn’t answer} ”Hey! Don’t you go disappearing on me, you son of a bitch. What does that mean?”

I find this exchange so fascinating. Dean already knows that he’ll get more of an honest answer out of Cas than any of the other angels. And, to note, we don’t see Cas leave. We don’t end the scene with Dean alone.

Because though Cas said he wasn’t going to be the Angel perching over Dean’s shoulder back in 4x02, here he is, doing exactly that. It’s enough that Castiel’s superior, Zachariah, makes a personal trip to be a dick the next time an Angel appears.

S4E18 -

“Well, I feel stupid doing this. But I am fresh out of options. So, please, I need some help. I’m praying, okay? Come on. Please.” “Prayer is a sign of faith. This is a good thing, Dean.”

We learn later that an Angel can hear when someone is praying to them, specifically, but it’s unclear if Dean was praying to God or to Cas at this moment.

Still, when Cas is the one to show up, Dean doesn’t seem surprised.

“Does that mean you’ll help me?” “I’m not sure what I can do. … It’s a prophecy. I can’t interfere.” “You have tested me and thrown me every which way.”

Dean approaches Cas and the Angel looks away. It’s his distancing, his way to distract himself from that tug, that connection, that pull.

“And I have never asked for anything. {Cas looks back} Not a damn thing. But now I’m asking. I need your help. Please.”

This feels like a variation of “I need you”, a first request. It’s Dean asking Cas to do something for him.

Back with Alastair, he asked Cas to not make him do something. This is the time when he first asks Cas to do something for him.

“What you’re asking.. it’s not within my power to do. … I’m sorry. “Screw you. {Cas looks away} You and your mission. Your God. {Cas looks back} If you don’t help me now, when the time comes and you need me, don’t come knocking.” “Dean.”

Pause. Right. Here. Do you hear how soft Cas says his name here?

There’s a familiarity, a gentleness, as the realization strikes him.

“Dean!” {Dean stops} “What?, You must understand why I can’t intercede. Prophets are very special. They’re protected.” “I get that.” “If anything threatens a prophet, anything at all.”

Pausing here in the middle of Cas’ lines because look. At. His. Face. Listen to his tone. There’s the begging of, “Please hear me, darling. Please listen”. And Dean starts to get it.

“…an archangel will appear to destroy that threat. Archangels are fierce. They’re absolute. They’re heaven’s most terrifying weapon.”

Cas lowers his head, willing Dean to get it. And Dean does.

“And these Archangels, they’re tied to prophets?” “Yes.”

Dean steps closer to Cas, closing the distance he created. They’re coming back together, facing one another, united for the cause.

Some call this Cas’ first rebellion for Dean, and I can see why. Cas has been tiptoeing closer to that edge—to choosing Dean over Heaven.

And, y’all, Cas doesn’t understand romantic love. Remember, he’s an Angel and they aren’t supposed to experience that. As Hannah will later say, that’s a human thing.

So, he doesn’t know what he is feeling or why. But this is more than simple allegiance. He’s not aligning himself to a cause, but to a man. Just a man. A man who challenges him in every way and makes him want to be better.

“So if a prophet was in the same room as a demon-" “Then the most fearsome wrath of heaven would rain down on that demon.”

Dean realizes what Cas has just given him. What Cas has done for him. This is no small thing.

“Just so you understand… {Cas looks up} why I can’t help. {looks back to Dean}” “Thanks, Cas.” “Good luck.”

As I rewatched this conversation, it took me right back to Cas’ declaration of love from S15E18. Why? Because I realize that sometimes Cas is saying something to Dean and it takes him a second to catch up.

What Cas and Dean really lacked for resolution in that episode way in the future was time. But, I’m skipping ahead…

The other thing I love about this scene is the spatial relations representing Dean and Cas. Cas appears on the steps, above Dean, like an Angel looking down. He steps down to Dean’s level so they can talk, and Dean steps closer to Cas as he attempts to get through to him.

But when Dean thinks Cas is going the other way, he puts as much distance between them as possible. He only closes it when he realizes what Cas is saying, what Cas is doing, what Cas is offering.

Only he doesn’t fully understand what will happen to Cas when Heaven figures it out.

S4E20 -

The next time Dean sees Cas, it’s in a dream. A quiet, beautiful dream that’s peaceful—something Dean rarely finds in life. Something he won’t allow himself so long as he can grant it to someone else.

“We need to talk.” “I’m dreaming, aren’t I?” “It’s not safe here. We need to talk somewhere more private.” “More private? We’re inside my head.” “Exactly. Someone could be listening.” “Cas, what’s wrong?” “Meet me here. Go now.”

It’s clear that their last conversation got Cas in some trouble, so he’s trying more creative ways to get Dean’s attention.

But it’s not enough. They’re too late. They don’t find Cas… they find Jimmy Novak, the Vessel.

The first time I watched this episode, I wrote this down: “The episode where someone went, 'wait a second… this guy can act. Let’s use it!'”

But, seriously, Collins does such a great job of crafting a character that is so incredibly different from our Cas, not just in physicality and vocal performance, but in terms of the micro expressions that flit across his face in moments of contentment and terror alike.

“It’s Cas. He got sent back home. Well, more like dragged back.” “To heaven? That’s not a good thing?” “No, that’s a very bad thing. Painfully, awfully bad. He must have seriously pissed someone off.” “Cas said he had something to tell me, something important.” “What?” “I don’t know.”

Now they get the stakes. Now they understand something is seriously wrong, even mores than they imagined. And they don’t know what’s going to happen to their unlikely Angel ally.

“Please, Castiel. I mean, just take me. Take me, please.” “I want to make sure you understand. You don’t die or age. If this last year was painful for you, picture a hundred, a thousand more like it.” “Doesn’t matter. You take me. Just take me.” “As you wish.”

I think part of the heartbreak of this episode is Jimmy Novak no longer blindly trusting the Angel, but giving up his vessel, anyway, if it will spare his daughter.

We need to see Jimmy make this choice to not hate Cas, right? But, also, it’s gut-wrenching to know this man will be trapped within there, unable to live.

“Cas, hold up.”

Cas stops, looks away, then looks to Dean. It’s a choice. It’s a centering. It’s avoiding Dean.

He’s trying so hard to remember his programming, to stay within the rules, to not fall. But he’s already fallen. That cord is strengthening between them the more Cas gives, the more Dean trusts.

“What were you gonna tell me?” “I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve Heaven. I don’t serve Man. And I certainly don’t serve you.”

Wow, Cas got chewed out topside. But I love that the second Cas took Jimmy back over, we knew. It’s in the way Collins holds himself, the way he looks at the world, the way he embodies each character separately and independently.

There are roles where actors bring a lot of themselves to it, right? And there are roles where you share nothing with your character. But then there are roles where you fit a “type” and end up playing those roles the rest of your life.

Collins has the opportunity here to show the Supernatural audience he can do more than Cas and he does not waste it.

And though Jimmy is a sympathetic character, I’m glad we got to hold onto Cas narratively so he could continue this incredible dance with Dean.

S4E21 -

“Well, it’s about time. I’ve been screaming myself hoarse out here for about 2 and a half hours now., What do you want?” “Well, you can start with what the hell happened in Illinois?” “What do you mean?” “Cup the crap. You were gonna tell me something.” “Well, nothing of import.” “You got ass-reamed in Haven but it was not of import?”

Cas meets Dean’s eyes for just a moment before looking away.

“Dean. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Cas is on the move, keeping himself from Dean, looking away.

“Get to the reason you really called me. It’s about Sam, right?” “Can he do it? Kill Lillith? Stop the apocalypse?” “Possibly, yes. But, as you know, he’d have to take certain steps. … We believe it’s you, Dean, not your brother. The only question or us is whether you’re willing to accept it. Stand up and accept your role. You are the one who will stop it.” “If I do this, Sammy doesn’t have to?” “If it gives you comfort to see it that way.” “God, you’re a dick these days.”

Let me give you some backstory, here, on my personal experiences within the Purity Movement. Oh, yes, this is a story told by an exvangelical who understands what it is to think, “This isn’t right”, but to have everyone you’ve ever known and trusted tell you, “this is how it’s gotta be”.

I’m asexual, but when I told a family member I wasn’t sure I could have sex on my wedding night, I was told, “But it’s your duty!” I wasn’t permitted body autonomy by the system I was in. Thank God my husband didn’t share the same sentiments as my family or that system.

And I didn’t actually know I was Ace until my late 30’s. We didn’t have a term for that in the 90’s…not really. I couldn’t understand why my girlfriends chose favorite singers based on looks and not the quality of their voice. Yes, I was that oblivious. And watching football for the players’ asses? Why!?

But I tried to live within the rules of heteronormativity because I had it hammered into my head that, “this is what is right and anything else is wrong” and that’s a helluva thing to break out of. It takes more effort than you might think, and it’s painful.

Cas isn’t a bad Angel. He’s kind and caring, and he gives a damn and Dean knows this. He knows that Cas isn’t like the others. But he also knows that Cas is holding back. He can feel it.

And as they finish the conversation, we go to the most fascinating crane shot.

I mean, I have watched this shot over and over wondering what the original intention was. If it was as hard as they say to have any of the Top 3 billed actually keep a straight face for more than 20 seconds, how many times did they have to shoot this? The director must’ve really wanted it.

We can posit it has to do with God’s eye looking down on them, perhaps. Or as a reminder that they are never truly unobserved, but it’s fascinating.

S4E22 -

“Hello, Dean. It’s almost time.”

Cas is looking down when Dean first appears, like he doesn’t want to meet his eyes. All of this is… so wrong.

And Cas knows it. It’s why he was standing by the water during the last episode. He is as contemplative as George Bailey before Clarance found him.

Later, when Zachariah speaks with Dean, Cas stands behind him with his arms behind his back—the good little soldier.

But it’s the framing that is fascinating. Because as Zachariah moves around Dean, and Dean turns to face him, Cas is now Dean’s good little soldier.

“Because you swore your obedience, so obey.”

Dean looks past Zachariah to Cas and gets the confirmation he needs—Cas doesn’t feel good about this, either. He’s watching Dean until he can’t, so he looks away.

Something is off and Dean knows it and now he knows Cas does, too.

“You asked to see me?” “Yeah, listen, I uh, I-I need something.” “Anything you wish.” “I need you to take me to see Sam.” … “I don’t think that’s wise.”

Cas looks over his shoulder, the same shoulder when he gave Dean the tip about the Archangel. He knows they are listening. He knows he’ll be punished. He knows it won’t help.

But despite everything Cas knows, there’s a helluva lot he doesn’t, yet.

“You can’t reach him, Dean. You’re outside your coverage zone.” “What are you gonna do to Sam?” Nothing. He’s gonna do it to himself.” “What’s that supposed to mean? {Cas looks down, away}, Oh, right. Right. Got to toe the company line. Why are you here, Cas?” “We’ve been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say I’m sorry it ended like this.” “Sorry? It’s armageddon, Cas. You need a bigger word than sorry.”

Cas truly is sorry. He’s hating every second of this, but he doesn’t feel like he can break away from his family. I’ve stepped away from a couple churches. Do you know what happened every time? I became persona non grata.

The Angel is trying to be who they tell him he is supposed to be, to carry out the things they’ve drilled into his head he is supposed to do.

"You know what’s real? People. Families. That’s real. And you’re gonna watch them all burn?” “What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise all is forgiven. You’ll be at peace. Even with Sam.”

Cas realizes he brought up, Sam, the whole thing he’s keeping Dean away from. Cas looks away, yet again. But this time Dean searches his eyes out and draws him back.

“You can take your peace and shove it up your lilly white ass. Cause I’ll take the pain and the guilt. I’ll even take Sam as-is. It’s a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise.”

Cas turns away from him and walks away so he can’t even see him, so he can’t be tempted to look back into his eyes.

Because when Cas does he sees Dean. He sees Dean in a way only Angels can. And what he sees right now isn’t the anger and guilt—he sees the love.

Remember, we of the future know about Cas’ speech to Dean before he was taken away by the Empty—he told Dean what he saw in him, how he saw Dean. And Cas can see it every time he looks at Dean.

The pain. Yes. The guilt. Yes. The anger. Yes. But also the love.

“This is simple, Cas. No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong, here, and you know it. Look at me. {Dean grabs Cas and turns him around to face him} Look at me, you know it. You were gonna help me once, weren’t you? {Cas looks away} You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to Bible camp. Help me now. Please.”

Cas still can’t look at him, but you can feel the shift. You can hear the urgency in his voice.

“What would you have me do?” “Get me to Sam. We can stop this before it’s too late.” “I do that, we will all be hunted.”

Cas finally looks to Dean on “hunted”. He dares to meet his eyes. He thinks perhaps he can dissuade him.

“We’ll all be killed.” “If there is anything worth dying for, this is it.”

Cas shakes his head and looks away, again. And disappointment settles on Dean’s features.

“You spineless, soulless son of a bitch. What do you care about dying? You’re already dead. We’re done.” “Dean.” “We’re done.”

The “you’re already dead” hits me hard because I have the “I’m dead to you” from Season 15 playing on loop in my head every time I hear Dean say this.

It’s not just that he thinks Cas is dead inside, but he is dead to him. And that cuts through Cas in ways he doesn’t yet understand.

Cas does not understand romantic love. He has never experienced it. He has likely never observed it. But he knows that he cares more about Dean Winchester than any human on Earth.

He knows that he feels the temptation to disobey for the sake of this one man.

Cas leaves because Dean won’t listen. But while he’s gone, Cas makes a decision. And just as Dean is about to give in and eat the food—reminding me very much of why you should not eat food offered to you by anything fae—Cas appears.

Cas grabs Dean and pins him against the wall, covering his mouth. Cas stares hard and Dean nods. He understands. He knows the choice Cas has made.

And we know all this from their eyes. Ackles does a helluva job with half of his face covered by Collins’ hand. We see the initial confusion and panic in his eyes. Then, the understanding setting in before the nod.

“Yeah, but you guys aren’t supposed to be there. You’re not in this story.” “Yeah, well. We’re making it up as we go.”

Knowing what we know now about Chuck, this is kinda insane. He seems absolutely flummoxed that the Angel of Thursday is so defiantly changing everything.

And I love the way Dean looks at Cas—this is going against the Word of God. When Cas commits, he commits! And the “we” here is an extension of “us”. Cas is firmly team Dean, and Dean knows this, now.

“It’s the Archangel. I’ll hold him off. I’ll hold them all off. Just stop Sam!”

Now, we know that Castiel is no threat to the Prophet, but I have a feeling Chuck willed Raphael in there, anyway, to take care of the Cas problem.

But part of me wonders if they considered moving on from Cas being in the story at all after Season 4. I mean, they had an easy out, there. Death by Archangel.

So, why did Chuck bring Cas back in Season 5? I mean, obviously the writers found more usefulness for his character, but I wonder if Chuck enjoyed the addition of the Rebellious Angel as much as the audience did. Certainly someone fun for Lucifer to play opposite, to try to manipulate, to try to recruit.

But as far as Dean knows, this could be the end for Cas. He doesn’t know. He really doesn’t know.

But he does know that Cas knew he would be hunted, he would be killed… and he still helped Dean. He still made the right choice at the right time, and that means something to Dean.

S5E1 -

“We need to find Cas.”

I love how high this is on Dean’s to-do list. Cas came through for Dean, and that means Dean is not going to abandon Cas.

With his abandonment issues, he knows it’s something he would never want to do to someone else.

“Where’s Cas?” “He’s dead. Or gone. The Archangel smote the crap out of him. … He exploded. Like a water balloon of chunky soup.”

Chuck, you asshole. I mean, this is God fucking around with Dean’s emotions to see how much he will crack.

Now, whether or not the writers knew at this point that they wanted Chuck to be God is a different thing entirely. But, in canon aired television, Chuck is God and this is fucking diabolical.

And though Dean didn’t know Cas that well, he knows what Cas did for him. He liked the guy. And he feels responsible for his death.

“Cas, you stupid bastard.” “Stupid? He was trying to help us.” “Yeah, exactly.”

This time it’s “stupid”. Later, after the Leviathan, it’ll be “dumb”. Dean probably shouldn’t be asked to write eulogies.

“Learned that from my friend Cas, you son of a bitch.”

This is the first time Dean called Cas “friend” and I think it’s absolutely in Dean’s character that he 1) didn’t ever say it to Cas and 2) said it only after Cas died.

This sets us up for how Dean takes a moment to process things. No, seriously. When it comes to Cas, it often takes him losing Cas for him to realize just how much he means to him at a given time.

This is only Season 5, so their relationship has a long way to go before that iconic confession (that was, of course, my introduction to Destiel via Tumblr memes).

But even now, Dean might not have called him “friend” so quickly if he hadn’t lost him.

Cas shows up later, out of nowhere, and he’s killing Angels. He takes out two of them and then goes after Zachariah, making it clear that he’s chosen his side in this battle.

He carves sigils into the boys’ ribs, and Dean’s look of shock and awe is sensational. I mean, props Ackles for the microexpressions of awe, confusion, interest, and a touch of fear as he processes what the Angel just did to them.

S5E2 -

“It’s a pipe dream, Cas.” {Cas steps into his personal space} “I killed two angels this week. Those were my brothers. I’m hunted. I rebelled. And I did it, all of it, for you.”

Pausing to say: Ho. Ly. Shit. I mean, that is some heat in his tone and some tension and he is not being subtle with this one.

“And you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world. And I lost everything for nothing. {whispering} So keep your opinions to yourself.”

Why is this so hot? Like, I’m asexual, but even I can tell that this was really fucking hot.

Cas stepped into Dean’s personal space in front of others without giving a shit, told it like it was, and then lowered his voice to an even more intimate level while laying it out for Dean. Like, yeah, human, shut the fuck up.

“I did come for something. An amulet.”

And this is when Dean finally steps away and gives them space. But if I were Bobby and Sam, I’d be wondering what on earth I just witnessed because there’s no way that was a hetero interaction.

Cas tells them about the amulet, and it’s another case where Dean and Cas have an entire interaction without speaking.

Cas looks to Dean. Dean looks back, expecting Cas to say something. Cas looks down. Dean registers.

“What, this?” “May I borrow it?” “No.” “Dean, give it to me.”

This is such a fascinating and frankly married interaction. Cas asks at first and Dean instinctively says no. But when Cas insists (not angry or threatening… just matter of fact), Dean acquiesces.

And you can see Dean thinking through everything. Look, he still hasn’t told Cas that he sees him as a friend, someone he can trust. But as he thinks through everything, he realizes if there’s anybody he can trust with this necklace, it’s him.

Cas has lost everything for Dean and Sam and they still failed. So, why not give the Angel a fair chance at his pipe dream, all things considered?

S5E3 -

“Hello, Dean.” ”Cas, We’ve talked about this. Personal space.”

When!? I mean, last episode Cas was all up in Dean’s personal space and the human didn’t say a damn word.

So, has Cas been flitting in between last episode and this one and we just didn’t see it? Why would he come a-callin’?!

Like, I feel like they wanted to address the fact that Cas gets into Dean’s space a lot, but in my brain I’m wondering when they had this conversation. Anyway…

Cas asks for Dean’s help. Remember last season when Dean asked Cas why he didn’t just ask for help? Well, he’s asking, and Dean’s

“You’re serious about this.” “Yes.” “So, what, I’m Thelma and you’re Louise and we’re just going to hold hands and sail off this cliff together?”

I think it’s fascinating that Dean is the first one comparing them to a couple who choose their deaths together and before that share a kiss.

Like, that’s the movie. Thelma and Louise realize they’ll never get justice and they want to choose their own destiny. They kiss before they join hands and drive off the cliff.

And Dean Winchester just compared himself and the Angel to these women. It’s just damn fascinating.

“Give me one good reason I should do this.” “Because you’re Michael’s vessel and no angel will dare harm you.” “Oh, so I’m your bullet shield.” “I need your help because you are the only one who will help me. Please.”

There’s so much going on as they look at one another, here. So much behind the eyes, so much each is playing with in what their characters needs and wants, what they’ve been through and why Dean is the only one who will help Cas and why Dean would do this for him.

It’s a suicide mission for Cas. Dean can already see that. But, it’s Cas asking, and Cas has already died for him once. That means something to Dean Winchester.

“We’re humans. And humans want something really, really bad, we lie.”

What is this… fiddling. Dean is opening Cas’ jacket to put the badge in there. He’s fixing his buttons and his tie.

It’s all very personal and there’s no discomfort or tension at all. It doesn’t feel paternal or whatnot, but simply familiar. There’s an ease between them that is really lovely, actually.

“Do we have any chance of surviving this?” “You do.” “So, odds are, you’re a dead man tomorrow.” “Yes.”

Cas commits. Dean saw it truly for the first time with Chuck when Cas said “we are making it up as we go”. Cas has no concern for his own life, and I think that’s something that has always appealed to Dean—they both care more about others than themselves.

But, the unspoken here is that when Cas is gone, he’s trusting Dean to have the information they need to locate God. And it will be up to Dean to do what he will with that information.

Cas has no way of knowing if Dean will continue the mission, but Cas is willing to sacrifice himself if there’s even a chance of achieving their goal.

“Well, last night on Earth. What are, what are your plans?” “I thought I’d sit here quietly” ”Dude. Come on. Anything? Hmm. Booze? Women? {Cas looks away} You have been with a woman before, right? Or an angel, at least?” {Cas rubs his neck, uncomfortable}

Poor Cas is embarrassed to be a virgin? Oh, honey, this is a new day and age! You don’t have to have sex. But, for Dean this is a new mission—getting the Angel laid.

“Let me tell you, there are two things that I know for certain. One, Bert and Ernie are gay. Two, you are not gonna die a virgin. Not on my watch.“

Why those two things in that order, Dean Winchester!?

This is such a crazy errand. Like, Dean is seriously setting out to get his friend laid, but the other thing he states right before that is, again, about a queer couple.

This is the same episode, people. He has referenced two queer-coded couples while in Cas’ company. It’s just… fascinating.

And, of course, poor Castiel biffs it at the brothel by being… himself. He’s just himself.

He wants to comfort this poor girl and instead comes off like a freakin’ stalker. Of course, Dean and Cas high-tail out of there, and Dean chortles so heartily he doubles over

“What’s so funny?” “Oh, nothing. It’s been a long time since I laughed that hard.”

Dean pats Cas’ shoulder in a friendly manner, then places his arm around Cas as they walk. It’s the first time I can remember Dean being this physical with Cas—again, not in a romantic way, but in a familiar way, certainly.

And Cas is fascinated by Dean’s smile, by the energy pouring off of him. Look how Cas looks at him adoringly with wonder.

Even as they switch sides to get in the car, Cas sneaks another look at Dean, reveling in that glee.

He doesn’t know how he brought that on, but he knows that somehow he made Dean smile. Mad him laugh. Made him light up inside.

And, oh, he likes how that feels, to bring Dean joy.

“I’m here, Raphael. Come and get me, you little bastard.”

It’s Season 5, so we still get these occasional reminders of the warrior Angel that Castiel is. And I love the look from Dean, because we transition from the close up shot of Cas by the man’s head to a rack focus to Dean, reacting.

He appreciates the style, I think. And he and Cas are starting to learn one another more. Just look at when Raphael does appear and Dean lures him into the circle of oil. Dean looks to Cas as Raphael steps into position, and Cas receives the message.

“Hey, don’t look at me. It was his idea.”

Cas casts a look to Dean that reads, “really!?” to which Dean responds with a look that says, “What!?” And it occurs to me how far we’ve come from last season, already. These two are working as a team.

Neither of them are strangers to working with others in their respective lines of work, but there’s a partnership really at play in this scene, specifically from Dean’s side. To me, this is an important episode for the pair of them because they are working the problem together.

And it really comes to play when Raphael starts rattling Cas. Our Angel tries not to show it, but Dean can feel Cas wavering, so he steps in to fill in the gap. This is something he offers without being asked—he keeps the conversation moving and he keeps Cas steady throughout.

“So Daddy ran away and disappeared. He didn’t happen to work for the post office, did he?”

Dean offers a smirk to Cas, referencing their very bizarre, humor-filled night. It’s a tactic to help keep Cas steady, to keep things light. Dean does this for himself when he’s stressed or worried, but now he’s doing it for Cas’ benefit.

“If God is dead, why have I returned? Who brought me back?” “Did it ever occur to you that maybe Lucifer raised you?” “No.” “Think about it. He needs all the rebellious angels he can find. You know it adds up.” “Let’s go.” “Castiel, I’m warning you. Do not leave me here. I will find you.” “Maybe one day. But today you’re my little bitch.” “What he said.”

I love the note of pride in Dean’s voice. Castiel is still a fucking warrior, and though he’s rattled—and Dean can tell—he kept his composure. These are qualities Dean appreciates, and I think it helps him bond more with Cas, indirect as it is.

In the car, Dean checks in on Cas. He can tell the Angel is still rattled.

“I do know a little something about missing fathers.” “What do you mean?” “I mean, there were times when I was looking for my dad when… all logic said that he was dead. But I knew in my heart he was still alive. Who cares what some ninja turtle says, Cas? What do you believe?” “I believe he’s out there.” “Good. Then go find him.”

Dean looks to Cas, and this is the first time Cas looks back at Dean this entire conversation. Cas was lost in thought, as lost as he was when he stared over the water during Dean’s interrogation of Alastair.

But this time he has Dean to steady him, to pull him back from the weight of his thoughts.

And as Cas looks at Dean, he sees Dean instead of the invisible nothing he’d zoned into back there. He sees Dean and he sees the weight Dean is carrying and the walls he’s put up.

“What about you?” “What about me? I don’t know. Honestly? I’m good. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but I am. I’m, I’m really good.” “Even without your brother?” “Especially without my brother. I mean, I spent so much time worrying about the son of a bitch. I mean, I’ve had more fun with you the past 24 hours than I’ve had with Sam in years. And you’re not that much fun.”

There’s something about this moment and this admission. I mean, yes, Dean is distancing from his brother. He’s trying to convince himself that he doesn’t need Sam, and Cas can see that.

Cas can see the truth beyond what Dean’s willing to admit—but Cas won’t call him on it. Not yet. They aren’t there, yet.

Instead, Cas absorbs what Dean says and how the human processes his hurt. But, also, I love the idea that Dean realizes he can have fun with Cas.

They’ve never “hung out” together, not really. Before their little brothel run, everything they’d shared was for someone’s mission or another.

But, on this trip they got to bond and form memories together. I mean, Dean will smile nostalgically every time he even thinks about a brothel now because of his adventures with Cas. That’s a part of him, now.

And, yes, I know it’s linking sex and Cas in Dean’s head indirectly, but we’re not there… yet.

“It’s funny, you know, I’ve been so chained to my family. But now that I’m alone, hell, I’m happy.”

But as he looks back to meet Cas’ eyes, the Angel is gone. And the facade falls. Much as Dean wants to believe what he’s saying, it’s not all true. And the Angel knows it. He can always see the truth in Dean, no matter how much the human wants to hide it.

And, yes, this is because Cas is a celestial being whose abilities go beyond the human levels of perception. But, it’s also true of those who know and love us best. I remember during our infertility battle, our friends conceived on their first try. We’d been trying for two years.

I smiled and congratulated them—because I really was happy and I’d been the one to tell her she was pregnant on the day she went to the doctor to confirm it. I just knew. And, yes I did it with two other friends, too. I knew they were pregnant before they told anyone.

But a few moments later, I went to my room to “get something” (we’d invited them to dinner at our place) and I shed a few tears. Matthew was there in an instant. He knew. I didn’t have to ask him to be there. He was the one person who saw through my smile. He knows me better than anyone.

And while we’ll see that Cas doesn’t always know what Dean needs when it comes to comfort or communication—even Matthew and I still get it wrong sometimes after 21 years together—he does see Dean in a way nobody else can. When it comes to romantic partners, that’s special.

Plus, this is the first time Dean really asks Cas how he’s holding up. Dean lacks Cas’ abilities, but he was able to read Castiel plenty well in this episode. He knew when Cas needed him to step in with Raphael. He knew that Cas needed him to check in on the road.

Dean is learning Cas. Cas has the advantage of not having to learn to read someone. His challenge will be learning how to respond. Dean’s challenge will be learning to value what he has while he has it, and not after it’s gone.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself, again…

S5E4 -

“This isn’t funny, Dean. The voice says I’m almost out of minutes.”

Oh, what a snapshot of time that was. Like my clear telephone with the multi-colored wires of the 90’s, that single mention of “minutes” takes me straight back to College when I had to wait until after 8PM to call my best friend when the minutes were unlimited.

Yes, I’m old. You didn’t need to think it so loudly.

“I’m human. And there’s stuff I gotta do.” “What stuff?” “Eat, for example. In this case, sleep. I just need, like, four hours once in a while, okay?” “Yes.” “Okay, so you can pop in tomorrow morning.” “Yes. I’ll just… wait here, then.”

You are the sweetest, awkwardest little angel to ever live and I want to adopt you.

But it’s another example of how Cas doesn’t quite understand human needs, yet, but once they’re explained, he is willing to stand by the side of the road for hours if it means giving Dean what he needs.

Yeah, the Angel’s smitten.

“Damn it, Cas, I need to sleep.”

Dean doesn’t even look to see who it is. He just assumes the person who’d be calling him is Cas.

“Rhonda Hurley. We were 19, I think. She made us try on her panties. They were pink and satiny. And you know what, we kind of liked it.”

I’m sorry, the memory Dean taps into to convince himself that it’s him is wearing a girl’s underwear?! And liking it!?

This is something he wouldn’t admit to anyone which is why Dean knows it’s Dean. This is something he has tucked so far away in his subconscious because he knows admitting it would change things, somehow. He may not even yet understand how, but Future Dean’s good with this admission.

“What are you, a hippie?” “I thought you’d gotten over trying to label me.”

Woah, woah, woah. What does this mean!? Like, I often think about Dean and Cas post-canon up in Heaven living without labels, and it frankly makes me smile with glee. But, wow, there’s a lot of implications here from future Cas.

“Cas, we gotta talk.” “Woah, strange.” “What?” “You… are not you. Not ’Now’ You, anyway.” … “What, are you stoned?” “Uh, generally… yeah.” “What happened to you?” “Life.”

This whole interaction is wild. As soon as Cas sees Dean, he knows this isn’t the Dean of his time. He may be more mortal than Angelic, but he still knows Dean. And Dean’s getting a glimpse of a Cas very different from the one he knows.

He doesn’t yet realize, but this is a Cas without hope. That’s what he lost. A Cas who followed Dean’s example into drink, and women, and coping mechanisms on the wrong side of healthy.

“The colt?” “The colt.”

Our Dean was busy arguing with Cas about the reality of the Colt existing, but now he knows from future Dean that Cas was on to something.

“Our fearless leader, I’m afraid, is all too well-schooled in the art of getting to the truth.”

Cas glances to past Dean, knowing exactly how our Dean is going to take this.

“Torture? Oh, so we’re torturing, again. No, that’s good. Classy.” {Cas chuckles} “What. I like past you.”

Oh, honey, we know. Heaven is already well-aware of your attachment to Dean Winchester, and it won’t take long for Hell to get wind.

Besides, past Dean isn’t quite the shell of a man that Future Dean has become—and yet Cas hasn’t left his side.

“Oh, good, it’s right in the middle of a hot zone.” “Crawling with crotes, yeah. You saying my plan is reckless?” “Are you saying we, uh, walk in straight up the driveway, past all the demons and the crotes, and we shoot the devil?” “Yes.” “Okay, if you don’t like, uh, reckless, I could use insouciant, maybe.”

Cas and Dean arguing. Yeah, this feels almost right.

“Are you coming?” ”Of course. But why is he?”

Cas is always going to go with Dean. We don’t know what happened in the last five years, but we do know that Cas is living the way Dean taught him in the very last episode.

Seriously! Dean spent a night trying to get Cas to drink and have sex and now Cas’ addicted to both.

Sometimes, we seek out sameness in people. Sometimes, we need something different. And every time Dean time travels, he learns things about the people in his life. The last time he time-traveled was the first time he saw a different side of Cas—compassions instead of dick-i-tude.

This time, he sees Cas under the influence of a Dean who lost hope. And this is a Cas who lost hope.

“You ever get back there. You hoard toilet paper. You understand me? Hoard it. Hoard it like it’s made of gold.”

Gee, Chuck, should’ve saved that advice for another time because people apparently believed you in 2020 and created all sorts of shortages. Yet another example of Chuck being tool number one.

“Let me see those.” “You want some?” … “Don’t get me wrong, Cas. I, uh, I’m happy that the stick is out of your ass, but, what’s going on? What’s with the drugs, and the orgies, and the love guru crap? {Cas laughs}, What’s so funny?” “Dean, I’m not an angel anymore. … And now, you know, I’m practically human. I mean, Dean, I’m all but useless. … And now I’m powerless. I’m hapless. I’m hopeless. I mean, why the hell not bury myself in women and decadence, right? It’s the end, baby. That’s what decadence is for. Why not bang a few gongs before the lights go out?”

Dean looks contemplative. Sad. Because this Cas is a fucking wreck, and he learned it all from Dean. Dean knows that’s his influence on this Angel.

In this world, it all went to shit, and future Dean didn’t do anything to save him. Future Dean was so focused on his mission he lost sight of everything else—he forgot what it was to be human and dragged Cas down with him.

“They’re the decoys. You and me, we’re going in the back., You mean you’re gonna feed your friends into a meat grinder? Cas, too?”

Dean of 2009 already differentiates Cas from the others. Cas is special. Cas is different.

Cas is set apart from others, and it’s the one time Future Dean seems to show a shred of remorse about the whole situation—but he’s so focused on his goal that he’s ignored everything else. Yes, even Cas is on the chopping block.

“Oh I’ve learned a lesson, alright. Just not the one you one you wanted to teach.” “Well, then I’ll just have to teach it, again! Because I got you now, boy, and I’m never letting you-“

Enter Castiel and Exit Dean. It’s a blink, but it is a reminder of how the Angels think they have it all under control, but as long as Dean and Cas are together, they’re going to fuck up the plan.

No, really! Dean and Sam are tornadoes on their own, but when you add in Castiel, their odds of defying the grand plan inevitably increase. The Winchesters and their Angel with a crack in his chassis.

And when they appear in the road, Dean is alone in the shot. All it takes is a quick pivot to see Cas standing there, over his shoulder.

“That’s pretty nice timing, Cas.” “We had an appointment.”

Cas smiles a bit as he says his line, but the look on Dean’s face is more than appreciation—there’s a touch of awe, of adoration. Because this is his Cas. And his Cas is very different from him in some ways, but that’s okay.

He saw the future where Cas blindly followed him to his death, where his loyalty was so absolute he died for it, where Cas followed Dean’s rulebook for life and it wrecked him. Because they are different people.

So, Dean takes a big step to try to prevent that future from ever happening. Yes, of course, reconciling with Sam is a big part of that. But, on a smaller level, he wants to help Cas.

He blinks back tears as he places a hand on Cas’ shoulder—the second episode in a row showing him tactile confirmations of affection.

"Don’t ever change.”

And look at how Cas absorbs that.

He doesn’t know everything that Dean went through and saw, but there’s this acceptance that is so important. Dean just affirmed, “I like you the way you are”.

And that’s a powerful thing for any being to hear, especially as Cas has been cast out by the Angels.

He’s on the run. He gave up everything. And the one he gave it up for just told him not to change, that he likes him just the way he is, that he’s appreciated for who he is.

And in this one exchange, Dean just changed the course of their future. Yes, it’ll change when he reconnects with Sam, too, but here Dean has given Cas a light post that Future Cas lacked—a moment locked in where Dean appreciates Cas for Cas as-is.

My head keeps fast-forwarding to “From the moment we met, you changed me” and how that looks in the Endverse situation. Dean going into it gave him a rooting he needed that he lacked previously, and because of that, he and Sam will reconcile, and Cas will hopefully never become that hopeless wreck.

Because when Dean lost sight of who he was, Cas wasn’t strong enough to hold him up and they both fell… to their deaths. Dean’s affirmation of acceptance of Cas is important and I think the Angel needed to hear that more than he might’ve realized at the time.

S5E06 -

Next we see Cas, he’s off to murder the offspring of a demon and a human. And though he seems to feel remorse, he’s still got a lot of Angel programming in there.

It’ll be a while before he faces a decision like this one, again, but… in the meantime, Dean seems to like his action figure boyfriend.

C’mon, it’s very noticeable how gentle Dean is with toy Cas while Sam isn’t at all.

“Was he your friend?” “Him? No” … “Look, uh, truth is, he’s kind of a buddy of mine. Is there any way you could turn him back?” “He tried to kill me.” “Right, uh, but he’s a good guy. He was just confused.”

Dean knows Cas better than most, and he has hope the Angel can come around from all this, I think. It’s a bit gutsy to stick his neck out for Cas, but he does. After all the Angel has done for him, he owns up to Cas being his friend and tries to save him.

It won’t be the last time he tries to ask a powerful being to save Cas… But I’m getting ahead of myself.

S5E07 -

“You’re not useless, Bobby.”

Yes, I know this is Dean to Bobby, but it ties back to Cas talking about himself in the Endverse and how useless he was without his powers. He fell into drink and drugs and dalliances… and Dean saw how it destroyed him.

Dean loves Bobby like a father and doesn’t want to see that happen to him, too. To see him fall into hopelessness.

“Are we done feeling our feelings because I’d like to get out of this room before we both start growing lady parts.”

Poor Dean and the heteronormative examples in his life… feelings aren’t bad, Bobby. And it’s okay to show them. The publisher of the Supernatural novels talked about real men and their emotions for a reason. It’s not bad to have feelings.

And I ache for a Dean who in the very next episode displays some bi-coded feelings. How tough must it be growing up with these expectations of who you’re supposed to be?

Dean liking the cheesiest porn and one-night-stands with hot women doesn’t mean he can’t also like men. Just to be clear, here. He likes Westerns, but he also likes Chick Flicks. A man can be more than one thing.

And there have been a lot of hints this season that there’s more to Dean than we know, especially in the attraction department.

S5E08 -

Dean knows all the storylines of Doctor Sexy, MD, and calls out the sexy receptionist and sexy women doctors. But when does Dean get flustered? Oh, our boy is blushing when Doctor Sexy, himself, strolls up.

This isn’t hero worship or awe. This is straight up kicking feet, giggly, crushing Dean. Yes, he figures out that Doctor Sexy isn’t really Doctor Sexy, but those 12 seconds he thought he was talking to the guy himself? Oh, Dean was giddy.

“Well, first of all, you’re gonna bring Cas back from wherever you stashed him.” “Oh, am I?” “Yeah, or we’re going to dunk you in some holy oil and deep-fry ourselves an Archangel.”

Second time this season Dean’s asked a powerful creature to give his Angel back. It’s turning into a habit, Dean. You might want to look into that.

“Cas, you okay?”

Cas looks from Gabriel to Dean, then back to Gabriel. And it’s the patented “swoop from Dean to Castiel” shot, again, that makes me feel things.

Yes, it’s a classic trick for “someone appears” so you don’t have to Bewitched that sucker every time, but I get excited every time it happens with these two.

Why? Because how often must Dean feel utterly alone? So alone. And time and time again, the camera swoops to show Cas standing behind him, backing him up. It’s a little thing, but I love it.

S5E10 -

“Lucifer.” “So, I take it you’re here with the Winchesters.” “I came alone.” “Loyalty. {chuckles} Such a nice quality to see in this day and age. … What a peculiar thing you are.”

Because Cas is different, and Lucifer already knows it. That Cas would ride in a car with the Winchesters when all the other angels complain about humans and their stench is a big, flashing, neon light. There’s definitely something different about this angel.

“You are not taking Sam Winchester. I will not let you.” “Castiel. I don’t understand why you’re fighting me of all the angels.” You really have to ask.” “I rebelled. I was cast out. You rebelled. You were cast out.”

Yes, Luci, but not for the same reasons. Lucifer is self-serving. Castiel’s rebellion was sacrificial—he sacrificed for earth, for humanity, for someone else. You rebelled for yourself. Cas rebelled for Dean.

“Almost all of heaven wants to see me dead, and if they succeed, guess what? You’re their new public enemy number one.”

I think about this a lot. There are times throughout the next few years when Cas is going to go from being lauded to loathed and back, again, depending on what actions he’s taken. He constantly shirks leadership despite it falling upon him time and time, again.

But right now, Lucifer is right—besides him, the Angel in the trench coat is much-hated.

“You think Lucifer got him?” “I don’t know what else to think.”

This amuses me, because there will come a time when Cas will bail on them. But he hasn’t, yet. So, Dean’s first thought is that the Angel is in trouble.

S5E13 -

“Why are you gate crashing my head? Why don’t you just swing by the motel?” ”I can’t find you.” Oh, Cas did this thing-“ “Cas, right. Now there’s a friend you can count on.” “What?” “He didn’t tell you?” “Tell me what?” “Where I’ve been. Of course not. Why would he?” “When have you been?” “Prison. Upstairs. All the torture. Twice the self-righteousness.” “Why wouldn’t he have told us where you where you were?” Because he’s the one who turned me in.”

I love this. It’s incredibly manipulative of Anna. She’s talking trash about Cas and counting on Dean to believe her because they fucked in the backseat of the impala, once.

Honey, Dean might’ve been in your pants once but that man’s got Cas' brand on his chest and his prayer line on speed dial. You’re the one night stand and Cas' the real deal, so back off, bitch.

ahem I might be a little protective of Castiel’s human. But, it’s a Destiel Meta, so I don’t think you expected any less, right? Anyway…

“Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say the Winchesters don’t trust me.” “They do. I don’t. I wouldn’t let them come.”

Hold the phone. Instead of screaming tires into the night, Dean reached out to Cas for a double-check? That’s fucking awesome! Dean slept with this other Angel, but he still didn’t make a move until he talked to Cas.

In the immortal words of How I Met Your Mother: “That’s love, bitch!”

“The answer Is still no. Because Sam is my friend.” “You’ve changed.” “Maybe too late, but I have. Anna, we’ve been through much together, but you come near Sam Winchester and I’ll kill you.”

This is the first time someone has remarked on Cas being changed by the Winchesters, though it will come up, again, of course. Anna was the one who wanted Cas to think for himself, and now that he is, she doesn’t like how he’s thinking.

“Cas, what do you think, does Anna have a point?” {Dean searches for Cas’ eyes. Finds them. Cas considers}, “No.”

I love how Dean searches for Cas’ eyes, here. There’s pain in Dean’s eyes, and Cas recognizes it, immediately. Yes, there is a scenario where it makes perfect sense for Sam to die—like it did with the demon/human child.

But Sam is Cas’ friend and his lover’s brother, so there’s no way in Heaven, Hell, or Creation that Castiel is letting Anna succeed.

“Anna can’t get to you because of me. So she’s going after them.”

I kinda like that Anna realizes Castiel will fight her to the death for the sake of the Winchesters, and that it’s not worth it to try.

“An angel zapped us back here. Not the one that attacked you, friendlier.”

That’s one way to describe him.

I’m always fascinated by the evolution of how Dean describes Castiel to others and to Cas, himself. To think that only a season earlier he was still stuck on “Dick” as the primary descriptor for Cas. Oh, how far we’ve come!

“This is it.” “This is what?” “Team Free Will. One ex blood junkie, one dropout with 6 bucks to his name and Mr Comatose over there.” “It’s not funny.” “I’m not laughing.”

I kinda love this, because fans like to come up with names and such, right? I mean, for Leverage, Hardison, Parker, and Eliot was just “OT3”. There are a million and one ship names—GSR and Caskett still amongst my favorites—but sometimes the show hands them to us.

Team Free Will is an excellent encapsulation for the Winchesters and their emotional support Angel.

Speaking of Angels… how fucking adorable is it that Mary chose an angel to watch over her Baby Dean? She had no idea how that would factor into his future, how Dean would be the one human in the world to have a personal Angel perching over his shoulder and watching over him on a day-to-day basis.

She had no idea her little one’s greatest love would have wings.

S5E14 -

In the hospital, Dean nearly walks into Cas as they talk on the phone, and though they are plenty in each other’s personal space, neither moves. In fact, they keep talking like a pair of fools, but it makes me laugh every time.

They’re also noticeably in one another’s personal space, and neither is moving.

It’s such a fascinating choice because we have Cas holding the phone with his non-dominant hand for the sake of the framing, and it’s for a blink-and-you-miss-it shot.

It does make me laugh every time, because they are both being so weirdly awkward—especially for Dean. I mean, Cas is the one to say, “I’m gonna hang up now” with the narrowing of the eyes because this is weird.

Like, I can draw meaning out of a scene fairly easily most of the time. Now, whether it’s anywhere near the intended meaning is anyone’s guess, but I can find some meaning in what I see on the screen.

This little moment feels like its sole reason to exist is for comedic value.

And yet the way the two performers play it is fascinating to me. Dean is the one to step into Cas’ personal space, because he doesn’t see him there. And rather than back off or comment on said violation of personal space, they just stand there, regarding one another.

Now, Castiel is our little non-human entity, here. He doesn’t always understand human culture and norms. But Dean is just standing there, staring into the Angel’s eyes, and with their inner arms raised and near meeting and their bodies both angled slightly out I see the angel wing motif, again—Cas on the left of our screen, and Dean on the right.

But, honestly, I can’t come up with the true character reason Dean just stands there except maybe he actually likes being that close to the Angel and feels too awkward to say it.

“Everyone seems to be starving for something. Sex. Attention. Drugs. Love.”

I love that Cas takes that last one to Dean—love. It’s such a tiny thing, but I wonder if that was a Collins choice—to take the one thing to Dean that would apply to Cas.

Castiel says his vessel likes red meat, which we have seen before in our brief glimpses of Jimmy. But if Castiel, the Angel, were affected by this hunger, the one thing I think that little Angel would crave would be love—Dean’s love.

And I don’t think Cas even knows it, yet.

He knows he gave up everything for Dean. He aligned himself with Dean.

But in Heaven, aligning yourself behind one being is in the programming, right? And when Civil War breaks out later, there are folks who align themselves behind Cas and folks who align themselves behind Raphael.

So, aligning with a being of choice isn’t necessarily romantic to Cas—it’s a matter of loyalty and righteousness. But in that, I think Cas misses the romantic overtones to his attachment to Dean. He simply isn’t human.

But the more he’s exposed to love and understand love, the more I think he realizes exactly what he feels towards Dean. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Also, how sick was poor Misha Collins during this episode?! I hope he has an iron stomach because if I had to eat that much red meat take after take after take it would not be pretty.

For those in the know about production, you can go ahead and skip this, but if you’re curious why I bring this up—every scene you see takes actual hours (or days) to film.

Even if you have multiple cameras working at once, there are still often multiple set ups, which take a lot of time because you sometimes have to move walls (yes, sets on soundstages pull apart so you can literally move a wall and shoot), the lights, the camera equipment, re-lay the track for the camera or switch to steady-cam.

There’s makeup and costuming re-touches and sound considerations and so many moving pieces that bring a television show to life. Growing up on set, I especially loved the directors who adopted me and placed me over their shoulders so I could see everything that was happening at once.

And I loved the costumers who gave me clothespins to put on crew members’ clothes… It was a weird, 90’s set thing that I still think on with love.

But that means that maybe there were a series of takes for every time Castiel had to stuff his face. So, that’s Collins eating and eating and eating and eating over and over. I mean, I’m getting a stomach ache just thinking about it!

Any time I see an actor have to cram their face with food throughout a scene or episode, I cringe in sympathy. Poor Collins!.

“These make me {chuckles} very happy.”

This makes me think… things. Because Castiel has never encountered wants and needs the way a human does. Yes, he’s the Angel with “too much heart”, but it’s still not human.

Imagine what it’s like to not have wants and needs. And then to have this not quite satisfying him, but tamping down the need… imagine how he is with his growing need for Dean. His longing. His love.

And how the slightest affirmation from Dean can set him flying on broken wings, and the biggest reprimand can send him crashing down.

It may not consume him during this episode, but his desire for Dean’s love will grow and grow and become the one need he truly understands whether Angel or mortal.

Because love transcends. It slips between the cracks of well-mortared walls and slides under warping gates where too long love has crashed in waves against the wearing wood, unanswered.

Castiel never realized that when he raised Dean from Hell itself, he rescued a piece of himself he didn’t know was missing—love.

Later, Dean and Cas stand outside the room where Sam is locked away. And it’s one of those cases where Cas wants so badly to help, to be there for Dean, but it’s too much.

Dean doesn’t want to talk. He wants the problem to be gone. He wants his brother to be safe.

Sometimes love isn’t enough for a given situation. In this case, Cas still doesn’t understand how to comfort Dean, how to help him when he’s hurting. Because Cas hates to see him hurting.

But some things in this human condition must be felt to be dealt with. We have to let ourselves move through the pain and not simply wish them away with a catchy phrase or alliterative affirmation.

A desperate Dean prays to God. And knowing what we know, oh, how this aches. And while Cas is inside, we can imagine he still hears Dean out there and wants so desperately to help.

S5E16 -

“Dean!” “Cas?”

I love that it’s the swoop shot, even with Cas not in the shot. We move with Dean to the car and then swoop over to the radio.

“Yeah, it’s me.” “You gotta stop poking around in my dreams. I need some me time.”

He’s bemused… which is wild. He says he needs “me” time, but he doesn’t seem that annoyed. Maybe he’s just relieved Cas didn’t pop into one of his stripper dreams.

But when he learns he’s in Heaven, oh, our boy is confused. And that does break my heart a bit. Yes, Dean has done some terrible things, but he has also done some incredible things and is currently trying to save the whole bloody world.

“Please listen. This spell, this connection, it’s difficult to maintain.”

That last bit haunts me. What is the basis of this connection? Of this spell? Because Castiel cast a spell to connect to Dean specifically, probably because the connection would be easier than with Sam.

By this point, it’s obvious to all of Heaven that Dean and Cas have a special connection. A bond. A relationship.

The parameters of that relationship don’t really matter in Heaven. Any relationship that causes an Angel to turn away from their duty is enough to be “bad” regardless of the specifics.

But it’s also very clear to Castiel that the human he connects most with is Dean. He may not yet realize that he’s in love with the man.

But he knows he regards him in a way that is different from how he regards the rest of humanity.

Cas is one of the last Angels who truly appreciates humans, who truly cares for them, who wants to help them. And in that openness, his being found connection with a human who never saw this romance coming.

“Where’s the triplets and latex? Come on, a guy has needs.”

It’s such a stark difference from when he arrives in Heaven at the end.

Not to say that Dean still wouldn’t appreciate triplets and latex, but Dean of Season 5 is still looking for his freedom. And Dean of Season 15, having achieved his freedom, is finally ready for peace.

Well... kinda. Depends on if you consider The Winchesters canon, I guess.

“Cas?” “What are you doing?” “What’s it look like?” “Like you’ve lost your mind.” “Cas talked to me before using this… this phone home radio thing. So, I- Cas!” “I can hear you.”

Hold the phone—or the interdimensional spell—this time it was Dean activating the connection. Did y’all catch that?

I mean, yes, Cas can hear those who pray to him, right? But this must mean that Castiel is tuned in to Dean, because Dean is able to activate it in reverse despite having none of the ingredients or the words of the spell.

“You find him.” “I can’t. I can’t return to Heaven.”

That’s what convinces them to do this for Cas. Because the reason he can’t return to Heaven is because he chose to help Dean try to save Sam to save the world. It’s because of them.

“You are my little Angel.”

Aw, Mom. Pre-disposing your kid to associate Angels with family. I mean, not all Angels, but at least one!

“God saved you, already. He put you on that plane. He brought back Castiel.”

Oooh, that’s pretty wild. I mean, it’ll be nice for Cas to get the confirmation that it was God and not the Devil who brought him back, I guess.

But to what end? For what purpose? To watch it all fall apart? Man, God’s a fucking sadist.

“Maybe, maybe, Joshua was lying.” “I don’t think he was, Cas. I’m sorry.”

Sam is the one to say it, but the camera shows us Dean. Dean, who saw how much Raphael’s words injured Cas, who saw the Angel falter. Here, he sees the Angel fall.

Not for love. But for its inverse—heartbreak. And in that heartbreak, an Angel of the Lord loses faith.

“You son of a bitch. I believed in…”

Cas faces away from them, looking for something he cannot see—his father.

Dean is watching, though. He can’t take his eyes away from Castiel. He’s watching an angel lose faith in real time, and more than that, this is his friend.

And his friend is hurting in a way that’s all too familiar to Dean—the pain of being disappointed in the one most idolized, a father.

And Joshua delivered the message to play at Dean’s heart, at his faith in anything. And to see Cas fall into hopelessness fucking sucks.

There will be times in the future when Cas’ faith is enough to carry Dean through. But not today. Neither of them has much faith in anything right now.

Cas turns around… Dean looks at him, but Cas isn’t looking back. He fishes the necklace out of his pocket and tosses it to Dean. He’s taken it everywhere he went to keep it safe, never leaving it behind. He kept his word to return it, but Dean throws it away.

They’ve lost their faith. What else is there to do?

S5E17 -

“Are you… drunk?” “No. Yes.” “What the hell happened to you?” “I found a liquor store.” “And?” “I drank it.”

I’m sorry, but this always makes me laugh. Much like the Galaxy Quest exchange where they ask Alan Rickman’s Arthur Dane where he’s going and he responds, “To see if there’s a pub!” this line gets me every time.

And we all know it would literally take a liquor store to get this Angel drunk.

“Where the hell have you been.” “On a bender.” “Did he say, did you just say on a bender?” “Yeah. He’s still pretty smashed.”

Okay, the “on a bender” line gets me, too. And, in one version of reality, maybe this is the beginning of Cas’ downfall to debauchery and addiction. But not this one.

“Yeah, I’ve been there. I’m a big expert on deadbeat dads. So, yeah, I get it. I know how you feel.” “How do you manage it?” “On a good day, you get to kill a whore.”

Cas finally looks up at him, half bemused, half confused. Dean looks back pumping his eyebrows up and down once for emphasis.

He’s doing that thing, again, where he tries to pull Cas out of a mood by giving him something else to think about, something to maybe smirk at.

And it occurs to me that this is Dean’s attempt at comfort. He’s actually trying to be comforting to Castiel. Because he doesn’t do flowery words and hand-holding, but he can do pop culture references and distraction, well.

These are the defense mechanisms he’s built up his whole life, and I wonder if he sees such similarities between himself and Cas because they both loved their fathers a bit blindly. Dean was still enamored with his father, despite his faults. Same with Cas.

But while Dean’s had his heart broken by his father many times, this is Cas’ first go at it. So, Dean tries to use the methods that help him to help Cas. Because, let’s be real, none of us are great at comforting others right out the gate.

It takes time to learn how to comfort others, how to talk to them, how to give them guidance and assurance. Later in the series, Dean will realize the weight of his words with Cas—and he’ll feed Cas words of affirmation.

But, we’re not there, yet.

S5E18 -

“What the hell happened to you?” “Reality happened.”

This mirrors hopeless, hapless Cas of the future. Dean has given up. And while Bobby gives a rousing speech, Cas has his eyes on Dean the entire time. Our Angel has sobered up and he is pissed at his chosen human.

And then he has to go out and kill two more Angels. Remember the last time he had to kill Angels on Dean’s behalf? He was furious. Imagine the fury, now, that he sees Dean faltering so astronomically.

“That’s our brother.”

I include this because I find the reaction shots here fascinating. We have the two shot of the Winchester boys, which makes absolute sense. This is their brother, and this is a brotherly moment.

But they take the time to work in a glance from Dean to Cas. And I find that choice fascinating because you could easily exclude Cas from this particular moment. It’s not about Cas. This is about the Winchesters and their estranged brother.

Is it to tie it back to the Angels? To plant the idea in our head before the commercial break? I simply find it an interesting choice, here.

Later, after Adam’s gotten cleaned up, they all chat. And angry as Cas is at Dean right now, he’s still framed in the background behind Dean, the angel over his shoulder.

“Maybe they wrongly assumed Dean would be brave enough to withstand them.” “All right, you know what, blow me, Cas.”

Cas’s confusion there amuses me. It was a choice to include that 1.2 second shot of Collins, and I have to wonder if it was script-based or if the actor chose that reaction and it was too funny to leave out.

After all, levity is important to this show. It’s how Dean processes his emotions, and it’s essential to the rhythm and tone. But, still, does the Angel truly wonder if Dean invited him into a sexual situation accidentally? The mind boggles!

And, yes, maybe this reaction is purely there for the fan-folks. But, y’all, I’m damn happy if it is because it’s brilliant and one of those micro-moments that builds the Destiel lore and strengthens its fandom.

Later, Cas glares at Dean from behind the door. Dean’s face is curious as he takes it in, because that look is familiar, but not on Cas’ features. He tries to deflect with humor.

“Well, Cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that… I got laid.” {Cas glares harder} {Dean raises his eyebrows and winks}

In my head cannon (and feel free to correct me in the comments), this was Jensen Ackles fucking with Collins and it made the show.

We know from panel appearances that Ackles liked to make faces at Collins to try to get him to break. And I’ve seen that supported by the bloopers.

So, seriously, if anyone’s to blame for Destiel shippers going gaga over this one… it’s you, Ackles.

As for the lines, someone in the writer’s room was having a great time and got this in the show. Like, even the implication that something sexual could happen between these two is going to get the shippers in a tizzy.

But it’s yet another reminder that early Dean interactions with Cas still included lots of sexual innuendo intended by Dean to deflect and de-escalate. Dean uses humor and whatnot to process and get through, right?

But there will come a day in the future when sex becomes a more taboo subject between these two, and I want you to keep that in mind as we go. Why do I think that shift happens? Well, I’ll tell you my thoughts when we get there.

A while later, Dean tricks Cas into coming into his locked room and releasing him—which is such a Dick move. He knows it’s going to be Castiel to care enough to open the door. He knows how to create the handprint to blast Cas away.

Dean uses the relationship against him. He does! He knows Castiel enough to know how he’ll respond to the perception of Dean in danger and uses it to manipulate him.

Now, later Cas will use their relationship to manipulate Dean, and it’s frustrating that the moments that show how much each understands the other are often used in a negative fashion to further the story.

Yes, it’s good storytelling. No doubt! We have fanfiction and other avenues for filling in the gaps.

But, some of my favorite moments in Canon are the ones where we see Dean and Cas using their knowledge of one another for good, and there’s far too few of those for my liking.

“What, are you crazy?” “I rebelled for this!?”

Oooh, Mama. Wow. Just… wow.

“So that you could surrender to them?” “Cas, please.” “I gave everything for you. And this what you give to me?”

Down the alleyway, we can see it’s raining. It has to rain hard for the camera to pick it up, so this must’ve been a fun “cover the camera with plastic” day to shoot. And Dean stops trying to stop Cas.

Is it because he knows he’s wrong to give up? Is it because he’s just so damn tired? I don’t know. But this time when he sees Cas’ balled fist, he doesn’t ask Cas to stop…

“Do it. Just do it!”

Cas’ fist unclenches. He’s been holding back the whole time, or Dean would be dead. But now, he releases because Dean’s no longer fighting him. And if Dean’s no longer fighting him to get to Michael, then Cas doesn’t need to stop him.

“What happened to him?” “Me.”

Cas shows up holding Dean the exact way Dean held him when he was injured last episode. Arm over the same shoulder, holding the arm in place with the left hand. It’s a minor detail, but one I noted with admiration last episode.

“How are you feeling?” “Word to the wise, don’t piss off the nerd angels.”

There will be times when Dean will call Cas the “AV Club” and whatnot, so it’s consistent that he sees Cas as a nerd.

But, bro, he’s a fucking warrior who has saved your ass many times already. You know he’s not a weak link in a fight, especially at full power.

“Wait, wait, wait. You’re gonna take on 5 Angels?” “Yes., Isn’t that suicide?” “Maybe it is. But then I won’t have to watch you fail. Sorry, Dean. I don’t have the same faith in you that Sam does.”

Dean is hurt when Cas says he won’t have to watch him fail. But I also kind of love this—because Cas isn’t acquiescing to whatever will make Dean feel better.

Cas literally gave up everything to prevent this future, and now Dean is considering running toward it.

Cas feels betrayed. And he’s not afraid to let Dean know it. And I think Dean needs to hear this. His friend would rather die than watch Dean fuck it all up. And yet… he’s still here… dying to give Dean that chance not to.

Love’s a bitch, sometimes.

“You think Adam’s okay?” “Doubt it. Cas either. But we’ll get ‘em.”

Dean’s the one to bring up Cas. He’s thinking about a lot right now. And while it was his little brother’s faith in him that helped him get through that shitty, shitty moment, now he’s thinking about the other people on his unspoken “list”. The list of people he cares most about in this world.

And included on that list is a particular Angel we all know and love.

S5E19 -

"We’re gonna find a way to beat the Devil. Soon. I can feel it. And we will find Cas. We’ll find Adam."

I find it fascinating that Cas is mentioned in so many episodes where he doesn’t make an appearance, and almost always by Dean. It’s a nice little nod, but also very gratifying as a fan.

Look, I’m a Destiel shipper, yes, but Cas is probably my favorite character. I’ll get into why Dean is number two later on in this Meta, and it’s a bit personal. But Cas’ growth is so important to me from the point of view of an Exvangelical who is probably undiagnosed Autistic.

Cas has so much to learn about the world, so much to comprehend, and figuring out who he is separate from Heaven is pretty much the arc of the show for him. He spends so much time trying to fix Heaven that he doesn’t realize dismantling it is what is best for Heaven. He won’t see that vision until Jack helps him see it.

And he’s going to fuck up along the way. He’s going to make mistakes. He’s going to make the wrong choice. That’s part of being human, which he isn’t and yet he is. In some ways, he’s one of the most human characters in this whole show.

So, my heart does a little pitter patter when he’s thought of by those he loves so much, even when he’s not around.

S5E21 -

“We all thought you were dead. Where the hell are you, man?” “At a hospital.” “Are you okay?” “No.” “Do you wanna elaborate?”

Cas is mostly human. And Dean knows what happened to Cas the last time that happened—he lost himself. But, I don’t think that’s going to happen this time. Dean’s already set things in motion to prevent it.

“No worries. Bobby’s here. He’ll wire you the cash.” ”I will?!”

Bobby has missed some things, here, between Dean and Cas. But that declaration is pretty clear—it’s happening and there’s no arguing. Cas is one of theirs and they are bringing him home.

Castiel is going to have his first airline ride, and first airplane food, and first time using an airplane bathroom.

Yeah, now I don’t want to get on another plane, again. But, I imagine the little Angel will have a swell time.

“Dean, wait. You said no to Michael. I owe you an apology.” “Cas, it’s okay.” “You are not the burnt and broken shell of a man I believed you to be.” “Thank you.”

Cas just does not understand how little of a compliment this is, but it’s so adorably Cas.

“There’s not a speck of Angel in you, is there?” “Maybe just a speck.”

Fuck, yeah!! Because Cas is so much more than his Grace. He’s an Angel, yes, but he’s intelligent and resourceful and dependable. Cas is so much more than his powers, and I love that he’s getting to show it, even if he doesn’t yet see it himself.

I mean, he gets the ring and kills the other chick. Nicely done, Castiel!

Later, Cas is framed over Dean’s shoulder, and you can see the wear on him. He’s sitting more casual, less rigid, possibly because he’s shifting to accommodate for some ache or pain he never had to deal with before.

He’s human and just learning his limits, so I imagine it’s a bit jarring.

“Well, it’s the 11th hour and I am useless. All I have is this. What am I even supposed to do with it?” “Point it and shoot.” “What I used to be-“ “Are you really gonna bitch to me? Quit pining for the varsity years and load the damn truck.”

This is such a good perspective that Cas lacked before—someone who is already working with limitations and has been for some time. This is part of that growth I was talking about. Cas is constantly growing.

“You and Dean have a habit of exceeding my expectations. He resisted Michael. Maybe you could resist Lucifer."

Okay, I admit the first time I heard this line, I laughed aloud. It was completely inappropriate, but the fact that he couldn’t just talk to Sam and had to bring up Dean had me cracking up. Like, “No, I can’t compliment you without bringing up my wannabe boyfriend, sorry!” Oh, Cas.

S5E22 -

“Aw, ain’t he a little angel?”

What is this comment, Dean!? Like, it’s adorable.

“Angels don’t sleep.”

Cue Sam with the sobering reminder.

“It’s starting.” “Yeah, you think genius?” “You don’t have to be mean.”

This makes me smile, just a bit, because eventually Cas will bite back at Dean. We’re not there, yet. They are still building their relationship and their trust, but it strikes me.

“I just want you to understand, the only thing that you’re going to see out there is Michael killing your brother.” “Well then I ain’t gonna let him die alone.”

Cas is trying to protect Dean, but this is one of those cases where Dean is going to do the “heart thing” in Sam’s words. It’s one of those “for love” things in the words of Cas.

Dean is doing this not because it’s smart or because it makes sense, but because he loves his little brother. Also, important to note that Dean doesn’t want his little brother to die alone, so no wonder he didn’t want die alone, either.

“Hey, Ass-butt.“ “Ass-butt?” “He’ll be back. And upset. But you got your five minutes.”

It cost him his life, but Cas did this for love, too. He was inspired by Dean and chose to do something that seemed impossible, that seemed like a Hail Mary. But Dean’s influence on Cas is growing.

Also, I have to call out this beautifully edited sequence of the Winchester brothers. No, it’s not Destiel related, but it took my breath away the first time, and the sound editing leading to the hug is exceptionally done. Wow.

“Cas, you’re alive?

It’s another one of those swooping shots of Dean and Castiel, showing that Dean isn’t alone. The Angel heals Dean, then he heals Bobby. Bet you’re glad you wired that money to him now, ain’t cha!?

“What are you going to do now?” “Return to heaven, I suppose.” “Heaven? … Wow. God gives you a shiny new set of wings and suddenly you’re his bitch, again.” I don’t know what god wants. I don’t know if he’ll even return. It just seems like the right thing to do. … You’re angry.” “That’s an understatement. … All I got is my brother in a hole.” “You got what you asked for, Dean. No paradise. No hell. Just more of the same. I mean it, Dean. What would you rather have? Peace. Or freedom?”

One of the greatest lines of the series, honestly. This is where it was all going, right? This was the original ending—and it’s the ultimate question. Which do you want?

“You really suck at goodbyes, you know that?”

Dean [UNKNOWN MIDDLE NAME] Winchester, what the hell!? You don’t know it, yet, but you’re gonna be the worst at goodbyes with this particular Angel going forward. And he’s gonna change your life with a goodbye. So, settle down, dude.

“Dean didn’t want Cas to save him.”

Did Cas really save him? I mean, he healed him, but are you counting that as saving him? Just sayin’…

And it’s the end, right? The end. The end of a sad, tragic tale. But, the show went on…

Want to read more? Here's the link:

Part II: Seasons 6, 7, & 8

Thanks for reading!

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