kitkat-and-allthatjazz

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

I'm a little tired again.

People keep telling me what to do and how to do it and I let them.

Sometimes, I don't mind.

Today is not that day, though.

I don't feel like being pushed around.

When will I raise my voice high enough for everybody to hear?

I've been mumbling my way through life, but I'm tired of it now.

I want to be heard. And left alone from time to time.

And be firm enough to know the difference.

But today, I'll just rest.

I'm a little tired.

(JK)

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

Getting out of bed shouldn't be hard.

Writing a paper shouldn’t be hard.

Making it out of the house shouldn’t be hard.

Making plans with friends should be a happy occasion,

not something you try to wiggle your way out of every time.

In a week, I was supposed to be on a plane

towards a better tomorrow

towards something hopeful.

And yet,

I am paralysed.

In the same spot, over and over again.

Same old tears

same old fears

same old same old.

Summertime

should be a happy time.

I should look towards the sun,

instead of running back into the shade

Where I am safe

and invisible

and life is passing me by.

What does it take

How to move on

How

(J.K.)

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

I think I keep looking back

As an excuse

To not move forward

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

Maybe my heart's been wounded

And the wounds eventually healed

But they didn't heal properly

The tissue grew back uneven

Maybe that's why it hurts

At every change of the weather

And some parts don't work

As I believe they should

Maybe

Maybe I need to heal properly

Tear the wounds open until they bleed

Let the rotten parts

Drain out

Maybe then

I will heal

(J.K.)

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

Wine & Night

Night and wine

Are my loyal friends

And sneaky enemies

They bring me comfort

And make me feel safe

Safe

To be myself

Then

When I least expect it

They turn on me

They shine a fluorescent light

Straight into my eyes

So I can’t see clearly

And they demand honesty

They don’t let me get lost

In the flashing TV screen

Nor between the lines

Of my favourite books

No.

They want me to feel it all

Every single hurt

I had buried in shabby holes

In my gut

In my heart

In my mind

They use their rusty claws

To tear me apart

Piece by piece

Breaking through my useless defense

They expose my shame

My dirtiest scars

Scratching  at them until they bleed

They want me to taste the blood

They scream and threaten

Until I do as they say

When they are done

They turn off the scary light

And tuck me in

They get the moon

To sing me a lullaby

Of a better tomorrow

Before I drift away

They promise to come back

And I know that 

I will welcome them again

As dearest friends

(J.K.)

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

Sometimes, it's easy to convince yourself you are special

Brilliant

One a of a kind

Then, you face other people

You can draw, but they do it better

You can write, but they do it better

You get fit, and they look better

You speak 4 languages, they speak 7

You believe your thoughts are only your own

Then somebody else says them

And it makes you feel less alone

And it makes you feel common

Too common, even

You think your love is stronger

That you would treat them best

Then you realize

You're just another guest

(J.K.)

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

Wish

I want to be by your side

I want to be the surpirse on your birthday

The shoulder to cry on

When you feel like you're all alone

And you miss your mom

I want to talk about your dad

And ask you

Why you don't

I want you to depend on me

To trust me

To love me

And I want it the other way around

For you to be by my side

When I'm at my worst

Which can be at any given moment

For no obvious reasons

I want you to hold me

And make me feel safe

Even when I pretend to be strong

I want you

To make me talk about myself more

To open up to you

To trust you

I want us

Wherever

Whenever

Us

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

I want you by my side

But you're just an illusion

It's a tiring battle

That I keep on losing

It's just me myself and I

It makes me happy

And it makes me cry

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

I seek solitude

And you

In it

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

Make-believe

I wanted to write

But I got lost for words

I drank wine

But it only wore me down

I need sleep

But I need to get this out

Images of you

And me

Are flashing in my mind

Through a camera

Of a make-believe time

When the sun was shining golden

Painting your face

Honey warm

You snapped a memory of me

That soon

Will no longer be

Because the make-believe

Doesn't last

It's there for a moment

And it's gone in the next

I try to look for you

But

You cannot be here

Nobody would remember you

They think I'm crazy

I probably am

But the feelings don't lie

Even if they are make-believe

(J.K.)

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

Recently, I have been asking myself this question repeatedly - Where has your spirit gone? If my memory isn't deceiving me, I used to be quite a happy child. Optimistic, content, curious. But lately ... The rollercoaster seems to be going downhill. A lot. I don't know how to get off of it without getting hurt. I try things. I don't see them through. I stop. I stay still. I don't show my face for a while. I'm afraid to even peek outside. I hide, but wish to be seen. I make no noise, and I want to be heard. Inside, I keep screaming for something, someone, ANYTHING. And yet, my lips remain sealed. And I'm back to where I was. One step forward and three steps back. You know it's not going that well, when you wish to be alone so you could cry in peace. When one little thing can make that lump in your throat grow bigger. When your daydreams become a harsh reminder of how you've given up on yourself. Of who you are not, because you're scared. What are you scared of? Where did your spirit go? Find that tiny voice, squeaking and wanting to be heard. Just like you. Just like the fighter in you. Be brave. Please.

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

I'm putting salt on my own wound, really rubbing it in, and putting myself through the ring of fire with a straight face.. You never asked me to and I doubt you expect me to eat myself alive for you. But I don't know another way to love. I'll ruin myself for you without you knowing, without you asking a thing from me. But you take and take and take all the same because you don't know what it's costing me. And since I'm offering it all of my own accord - it's hardly your fault when I end up ruined. But I don't know another way to love. (K.G.)

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

Here's to rearranging what I thought could be us into me, just me.

Here's to rearranging the pieces of me that have been left a little too sharp, cutting and hurting because I can still smell you. I fucking hated that perfume, from the start, but I couldn't for long because it was you.

Here's to rearranging myself to what I was before you touched me and misplaced the pieces. I’m all wrong, cutting into myself from all directions. I was gold and your hands only ever handled rock, you just don’t have it in you - to touch gold and not tamper with its glow.

Here's to rearranging myself to the masterpiece I've always been. (K.G.)

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

I’ve always had difficulty with all things logical. I’m not the practical type. Although I know, logically, we have only kind of been together for a month and a half -  I feel like a part of me has been misplaced and replaced and there is nothing logical about just how wrongly put together I feel. (K.G.)

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

I don’t need you, idiot. I just want you. 

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

It’s not a phase and I know it won’t end. I’ve always felt like I was too much but like I would always be missing  something that made other people’s lives easier. I felt it when I was 5 and I found out that my mom and dad wouldn’t be here forever, I felt it when I was 14 and I realized I would never be the dancer I believed I could be. I felt it when I was 21, trying to make home out of a pair of warm brown eyes and a wide smile. I’ve felt it always -  a universe forming inside of me. i feel it at 25 when I’m finally letting somebody in while holding the door open for him to leave. I’ve felt out of this world for as long as I can remember. but I’ve always had 10 better ones inside of me. I’m a whole universe caught in a single person. I’ve always felt everything as supernovas but there is nothing wrong with feeling like the world has ended  and somehow started again for you just because you love all the damn time. There is no such thing as being too much -  you’re timeless worth more than this world could ever come up with.  (K.G.)

[kitkat-and-allthatjazz]

Before you I was so smart -  lecturing and advising, big words how I would never do this or that, how I would stand my ground and he could just go fuck himself for all I care. Before you I would never be this stupid, so ready to make a fool of myself -  say the word and I’ll jump, roll over and even play dead. What else can I do for you? Before you I had d big mouthful  of never-would-I-evers but you sure showed me, right? Because It turns out I’m the silliest of them all. (K.G:)