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[ladyzess]

It has been two lonely Christmas days. 2 consecutive years. I feel like shit. It hurts so much. I just wanted to cry forever. Or maybe just die right now.

[ladyzess]

I had been here on the 4 corners of my room. Crying for no reason at all. I feel lost, I feel empty, I feel anxious for no apparent reason. Tears just flowed down from my eyes. Whenever I watched a happy movie. I still cry unknowingly. Is this how hard my life is for me? That only my subconscious mind can feel. I wanted to end my sadness but the only solution I can think of is to end my life. I have a lot things I wanted to experience. But my mind is currently struggling with this life. I prayed to God to ease my mind and to help me get through this once again. But there’s no magic in His replies. I must endure and wait until I am worthy of His grace. But I will never be worthy of His graciousness because I am a human with a soul full of sins.

[ladyzess]

Cried for an hour today, 092020, when the usual case why I cry is because of my heart problems. I didn’t realize before that it was harder when it’s about your family. To the point that I am eager to just disappear from this life coz this might be the better choice for them. I wanted to die so badly today.

[ladyzess]

Today, someone I love made me realized how bad a person I am. And today is July 2,2020 2:26 am

[ladyzess]

. . . . . .

[ladyzess]

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart. Pursue these."

— Michael Nolan

[ladyzess]

I am confused. Not in the right mind. I am overthinking. I am confused. Was this a cycle? Ugh. I hate myself. I hate myself. I just fcking hate myself.

I already know I do not deserve to be happy. I know, I know, I know. But damn this is so fckng painful.

[ladyzess]

Been a while aight?

How many days had passed when I started to finally find the happiest version of myself?

I am truly elated. Euphoric indeed.

But why I am I back here. Ranting my feeling again?

[ladyzess]

Wtf is wrong on with me? Why am I so stupid for still believing you.

There are days you can totally forget about me, and never message me or never even seen my messages. And I will be so fckng devastated. Then there are days you would message me again, I’ll be ecstatic.

There are days I will believe everything you say even your lies because I love you. And there are days all the trust I have given you will be gone in an instant because you showed me what’s real. But one message from you again, all the hatred, all the pain will be gone.

Wth is wrong with me? I wanted to stop. I don’t want this cycle again. I’m tired and sick of your excuses. You do not respect me anymore. But damn, I loved you even tho it hurts.

[ladyzess]

I’m breaking into tiny little fucking pieces once again. I could have refrained it from happening but I was to dumb for going through it again. I know I was stupid. I know was dumb but hell yeah I think I just love suffering.

[ladyzess]

Saan ba ako magsisimula?

Simulan ko na lang sa realidad na mahal ko naman ang sarili pero bakit ba ako laging napupunta sa maling sitwasyon?

When I was depressed and trying get back on my feet. I prayed so hard for the Lord to guide me. He did. But why am I so lost right now? Why is my mind and my heart struggling this hard?

Ang dami ko gusto sabihin. Ang dami ko gustong i-type sa moment na ito pero hindi ko alam saan ko ba sisimulan. Kasi sa bawat letrang sinusulat ko eh ay ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko. Habang ang puso ko ay unti-unting dinudurog ng pag-ibig na hindi na dapat pang nangyari. At ang isip ko ay nilalason ng maling paniniwala ng pag-ibig.

Sobrang sakit. Parang may gumuguhit sa puso ko at unti-unti akong pinapatay ng mga maling desisyon ko.

[ladyzess]

How to be you ba?

It has been more than a month since we started seeing each other. I easily got mentally and physically attached to a person even if I don’t want to. But how can that person stay cool without mi presencia for a long time. How come? Ugh. Here I am struggling to sleep without hearing your voice. I want to detach from you so I can breathe again. But I’m stuck. And I suck at this.

[ladyzess]

Why does my heart hurts?

As if someone is ripping it off.

[ladyzess]

Usually. I’m here to talk about how sad or depressed I am. But now let me talk about how confused I am going through right now. I haven’t talked about this story yet. But I guess I have given a hint from my last post. So where do I start? A friend. That’s just how we were really supposed to be. But wth just happened? I entertained a lot of people since my last breakup but only a few people were able to enter my life. Only a few people left a mark that I allowed to mingled through a small talk or chat with me. So that’s where it all started. Chat. The easiest way to communicate with people. So how should I call it? I had been reunited with an old friend. An old friend I didn’t even know was so dearly close to me. I have lost almost all my memories from that day we’ve known each other. But I know we knew each other. I just don’t have an idea how close we been. He is so annoying most of the time. But still, I don’t understand why I have this feeling that I can share everything to him. Lol. That thing that I shouldn’t have shared. How can I just talk to a guy about my sex life? I regretted telling it to him that moment we finished talking about it. Like wth? Then, everything followed. From him asking about it, I knew he would want to sleep with me. I am hesitating between not falling for it or giving him a chance just once. Just once, but it didn’t happened just once. What’s funny about it is, he is in a fcking relationship. I knew it from the start. Yet, I still let my guard down. I was broken a lot of times from that same situation before. But was I still so stupid for repeating the same mistake again? Will the pain from that same mistake be different this time? Will it be a win-win situation for me this time? Or will I be broken hearted endlessly just like before?

[ladyzess]

You.

You, are my friend/acquaintances for so many years already. We lost track of time. We lost contact with each other.

Then one day, you’re back lol

And you made my life go upside down.

Wth.

[ladyzess]

I had already lost track of time since the last time I posted here. But why am I back now? I walked home from work like the usual. But why can I barely lift my feet again just like 7 months ago. But this time it’s different, it’s heavier and exhausting and it’s slowly draining me. The usual 8 minutes walk became an hour walk. Then suddenly tears comes falling down like rain. But it doesn’t end with that. My heart, brain and body is about to explode. I began to breakdown and cried so loud. But nobody can hear me. You can only hear the loud noises from the vehicles passing by through the road. So, I didn’t stop from crying. I cried until I cry no more. I know after this, i’ll be stronger and better again. So just let’s be sad for today. A little sadness won’t kill me anyways.

[ladyzess]

How many months has it been since the last time I visited this blog? A lot of things has been gone through my life. I have surpassed my suicidal thoughts and depression. Yay! But my anxiety attacks remained. Unfortunately one information ruined me again and took me back to my depression. I was not only depressed, but I am angry. I am so angry at you, for making me believe you still love me when in fact you are just holding on because I was your comfort zone. We still did end up breaking up, but why do you have to make it that long for you to end things between us? Why do you have to use me for your own happiness financially? And now that you have what you wanted, you are leaving me together with all the debts you made. I trusted you. I gave my everything to you that I did not leave for myself. But how could you be so unfair? How could you just use me, the one who loved you with all her heart and soul?