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Hyena girl with headphones jammed into her ears, inspired by my Steam avatar that I haven't changed in years (I'll elaborate on it at some point) The inspiration was a girl with big cat ears, but I just went "why not hyena" because I have some biases

I started drawing her on a whim during downtime at work and I realized how much I missed doing fun stuff in my sketchbook like this, plus I've been obsessed with gel pens again. I couldn't find my white gel pen to use for highlights so I improvised with silver and gold ヽ(　･∀･)ﾉ

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Hololololo

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Okay maybe I will post art here again

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Accidentally posted this to my personal blog OOPS

Various dumb doodles from my tablet

I've been wanting to bring back my ancient pseudo-fursona fuzzball, Tara, from like 2009, because I miss her and her grumpy goofiness. And she really represents just...having fun with my art.

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Pride 2024

Drew this just barely in time for pride month but forgot to post it anywhere. It's goofy but so am I. (´▽｀*) I would love to ramble about my ~queer journey~ but I think I'll save that for an actual blog post, whether it's on Tumblr or DreamWidth or my website.

Posted using PostyBirb

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I have a very small square sketchbook in which I've pretty much only doodled Whimsicott, in either crayon or colored pencils. I particularly liked this one, I really love how colored pencils look in general.

Posted using PostyBirb

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Main blog because Rapture is getting some new love!

The OGTRIB Bonus Posts masterpost

Along with posting the story every day, I've also been doing some rambles. In the interest of accessibility, I want to gather those in one place. This list will probably be updated less frequently, but it will be updated. The goal is to, eventually, in sum, Explain some substantive aspects of the story.

May 26: "Mistress Dread," and the aubade May 29: more "Mistress Dread" May 29: you wouldn't dissect a frog (fractions) June 2: "The Dark Eternal Night" June 4: "We Excavate" June 5: WOMP WOMP, a little picture into the comedy of act 1 June 8: June 1, and the comedy of Dream Theater June 10: Metahorror, the Arc of the Audience Expectations (The First Real Ramble of Act 1) June 10: Rapture Art, and the Delineation of "Fanart" June 11: The Egg Dance June 21: Tally Marks Ramble 1 (The Unfunny Jokester) June 22: Tally Marks Ramble 2 (Laziness and Work) June 23: Tally Marks Ramble 3 (On the Slender Man, I: Blurring Boundaries) June 25: didn't wanna ramble. too hot. rambled anyway. (Roman a Clef, Act 1) there you go, all in one place. we will see more rambles as the story proceeds, that's a promise. if there's anything I can do for my own stories, it's ramble.

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Hattie likes to cosplay and is a big dork about it, but she's also secretly sentimental for her school years with Fiona and Bailey and finds warmth in donning cute uniforms as part of it.

This was a random silly doodle that ended up being a fun lil warmup piece to get used to drawing again. Her face will remain derpy. (⁠｢⁠`⁠･⁠ω⁠･⁠)⁠｢

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Also FYI this post really doesn't have much to do with AI stuff. That sucks but my main reason for making this post was that my online habits have changed.

There's really nothing saying that Bluesky won't ever do stuff with AI, sell data, or whatever. Pillowfort is actively against it but it's still on the internet, and anybody can just save and steal that stuff too. My personal website is on the internet, also at risk. I'm not saying it's okay, but I'm also not gonna delude myself thinking there is a sacred safe space to post art. I guess up until now, I've just been rolling with the punches of being an artist online, I always knew that by posting my stuff publicly that it could be stolen without my knowledge, and there's just some degree of control I'll never have over my online content. My attitude has changed to being too tired to be complacent, too tired to be tired. I have given up on giving up, if that makes sense?

I'm also dumb and don't know a lot about minute legal shit so I'm sure there's a massive amount of nuance I'm missing here about that. It's just that I know humans don't respect each other, they're gonna steal shit if they want to, AI or not.

I have very little desire to post art anymore except for the purpose of sharing it with my friends and people I like, who I know I can trust and have supported me for a long time. I may in fact make a private Discord server for this purpose, but I also know that Discord itself is fairly public anyway, so I guess we'll see. I'm not really drawing much these days, anyway, but that's a different issue. >_>;

Yes my feelings about this are influenced by the AI wave, but it's not the only thing and it's definitely not the originator of the feelings. I'm not telling you how to feel or how to approach things, everyone is different and has different circumstances and has to handle things differently. I'm simply explaining my perspective and my feelings, do what works for you. My stress about the internet is not a new thing, and AI is only a small part of it; the larger picture is that the internet is just not a place I wanna spend time on or be a part of these days.

Nothing is black and white, there is no concrete solution to anything, change requires a lot more work than just screaming at others online about what they should be doing. And I'm frankly way too tired to do that anyway - not that I'm proud of not really actively fighting. I'm way too much of a mess myself to be solving the problems of the internet before I get my own shit together.

I don't really know what I'm saying anymore and this is one of those posts that became three times longer than I originally meant it to be, because I thunk a lot of thoughts all at once.

Also, this isn't meant to be a Statement™ for people to reblog, so I'd prefer you didn't, but I guess it's not the end of the world if you do. This is just me using my blog for its intended purpose...as a blog.

Here's where I'll be living for now:

Personal Website (started on Neocities, now I have my own domain!) Pillowfort Bluesky (main art account) Bluesky (personal) Inkblot (I haven't been using this but I might try to try it again?) Etc

Other stuff I'm a part of (it's just the one for now lol) : 32bit.cafe - a really wonderful indie web community. I've been inactive and hibernating lately but I love it there.

I'll update this post with more stuff if I get more stuff. If we know each other, I'll be happy to talk on Discord or just anything that isn't social media DMs. My feelings about posting art online have shifted a lot but keeping in touch with people is still really important to me.

Please let me know of any forums/servers/IRC chats/whatever you're a part of or would recommend and I may check them out, because I've been trying to get people back into forums for years

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Here's where I'll be living for now:

Personal Website (started on Neocities, now I have my own domain!) Pillowfort Bluesky (main art account) Bluesky (personal) Sheezy.art Etc

Other stuff I'm a part of (it's just the one for now lol) : 32bit.cafe - a really wonderful indie web community. I've been inactive and hibernating lately but I love it there.

I'll update this post with more stuff if I get more stuff. If we know each other, I'll be happy to talk on Discord or just anything that isn't social media DMs. My feelings about posting art online have shifted a lot but keeping in touch with people is still really important to me.

Please let me know of any forums/servers/IRC chats/whatever you're a part of or would recommend and I may check them out, because I've been trying to get people back into forums for years

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Fiona in her classic red sweater with her classic grumpy face! I missed her. (protip: referencing anime figures for poses works very well when you have an anime art style)

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Btw I'm on the not-bird-site too. I'm not super active but I don't mind it so far because it's quiet.

I also updated a lot of pages and info here on this blog because it was super out of date

And seasonal depression made me fall out of maintaining my website for a while but I'm feeling motivated again.

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Just to clarify, my rant yesterday was not me doomposting about the latest Tumblr developments - in fact I'd completely forgotten about them for a bit LOL

IMO I think the downsizing and re-focusing has the potential to actually be a good thing for the site (unfortunately probably not the people working on it, I feel really bad for those who are being disrupted by this). In my experience, it's generally healthier to 1. have smaller, more focused teams working on a thing where communication is easier and playing telephone is less of a risk, and 2. improving on what is already there, and working on/fixing things that people have been asking for for ages, instead of just shoeing in a bunch of random features no one asked for. I understand a lot of it was due to contracts and legal and business stuff, but it sounds like maybe they've seen the light and will condense their focus a bit. Please note that I probably have no idea what I'm talking about, I don't work in this business, and I don't consider my words objective or anything so just...please be nice >>

I don't think it's helpful for people to go, every time something like this comes up, "Tumblr is falling apart again bye I guess I should jump ship" because shit yeah it's gonna fall apart when people keep leaving and singing swan songs. It's okay if it's what you wanna do, I know the feeling of not wanting to be on a website just as well, and a lot of alienating decisions have been made so I don't blame people for throwing their hands up. Idk, I don't think there's a right or wrong and I don't wanna come off like I'm condemning people for just doing what they feel is best for them. I think I'm just desperate to be optimistic because I miss liking Tumblr. There's no hostility intended in this post!

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Okay, here are some words, yes it's long

This drawing started as "homework" my therapist gave me to try and draw myself more, just to like...have more of a sense of self, but it kinda turned into somewhat of a vent doodle because I was feeling gloomy yesterday. I think I'd like to make an alternate version of this that's much more cozy and colorful when I'm feeling better, though. Now...updates? Or I guess a ramble, rant, whining, whatever: I'm still not 100% on coming back to posting art, and on top of there really not being any good art site to post on (FA is fine but I know it has its own issues, I just subsist on nostalgia), every single social media platform now seems like a dumpster fire - way more than they already were - that I don't wanna go back to, so I'm not sure if or when I'm gonna change anything anytime soon. I'm already bad at being social in communities but I super do not know where to turn right now if I wanted to be "present online" again. Way back in the day, Twitter and Tumblr were actually fun, but it's all long since become stressful and anxiety-inducing. And at this point, it really doesn't seem like it's gonna ever improve. Frankly, I do kinda prefer living under a rock anyway, but there's definitely part of me that still misses the positive and warm interactions I used to have with people online. Unfortunately, I still feel like there's really no part of the internet anymore where I feel like I belong, or even want to be. This is all very possibly my gloomy mood at the time of posting and seasonal depression talking, but I really just don't feel motivated to post, participate, or interact online much anymore. Partly a good thing, I think, because I have a lot of fun working on my website and hanging out in the small web community, away from the centralized web. But I know it's also partly due to my bad, chronic habit of isolation - because right now I'm not even interacting with said small web community. I'm just talking to my friends on Discord and Telegram, which typically is all I need. But idk, maybe it's FOMO, maybe it's just another art angst wave, but I miss having a place to go for art...just not the way it's been for the past 6 years or so. I wanna be here, for people to know I'm still alive, but at the same time I don't wanna be here and I don't want to be perceived at all. This feeling changes constantly. I don't know why I'm saying all this and I think I just need to stop thinking about it entirely. Ultimately, the internet is really not important in life and there are countless other things about life that I should focus on. I have a life full of love and precious things, and that is really the most important thing. The fact that I'm an artist who decided to start posting online so many years ago just makes this complicated. Being an artist makes me neurotic, and I'm also just so fucking overwhelmed with the way the world is right now that everything feels like an alien place, online and offline.

And I just care about people too much. I wanna give back to the people who always showed me kindness and support online, just for them to know that they've all been remembered and seen and I'm thankful for them. I think that's why this is such a floundering issue for me. I still think that I'm better off not being an artist online, at least most of the time. But idk. I think I'm just doomed to always have overthinking, neurotic turmoil over stupid shit. Time to stop thinking! At the very least, art IS starting to be fun again, so there's that. I absolutely do better when I'm drawing without worrying about perception and opinions. I think the problem arises when I start bringing commissions into the mix...I hate marketing myself, but you have to do that to have any hope of getting clients, so I should either not do comms at all or just not try to rely on it for income. Damn this shit was easier when I was a teenager with no bills drawing people's fursonas for $30

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I kinda miss doing an OC ask blog

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A lil Hattie I drew a bit ago on SweetCharm Oekaki

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TL;DR: I’ve let my online art presence and the internet as a whole become so weighty to me that I’m constantly having a meltdown over how the internet has changed and how I present myself online, so I’m cutting myself off from being an artist on the internet, because it seems like the only healthy option for me right now.

I think I need to stop posting online entirely. As drastic and melodramatic as that sounds, I’m spending time on an internet that I hate, wishing for an internet that no longer exists. I’ve repeatedly ~taken breaks from social media to try and detox~, and it does help in the short term, but eventually I just fall back into my “existential art crisis” and become anxious, stressed, and frustrated again, hating myself and hating every choice I’ve made up to this point. I’m happy when I draw at my own pace, but I’m quickly overwhelmed by the “I’m not posting enough so people won’t like me anymore” anxiety I get.

I know I’m like, the only one who feels this way, the only one who cares this much and takes art this seriously that I’ve let it crush me so much. For some reason my art and my ability to draw is so deeply ingrained in my identity and sense of self, and it’s become so monumentally important to me that it’s worn me down this much. But I know I’m not the only artist online who feels pressure to perform every day, who compares themself to others, who feels burnt out every month, and who is constantly fighting with the evolving technology and society that seems to be consistently designed to screw us. I know many have been able to adapt, and have done it smoothly, and I commend them and am incredibly happy for them. I’m proud to have happy and well-adjusted art peers! I can’t do that. I want to put in the effort to adapt, I have to many ideas to share and stories to tell, but I’m just…spent. Every time I try, it takes up all of my very limited energy, and I’m back to hibernation mode again. I am tired. I’m too small, sensitive and self-conscious to simply keep trucking along. My fragility makes every effort so painful. I really cannot do this anymore.

Posting my art online used to be fun. I loved connecting with people over fan art, OCs, gushing with other artists about each other’s creations, and getting love and support from people who found enjoyment in it. I used to get kind asks on Tumblr just complimenting my art or encouraging me when I posted a vent piece. Tumblr especially used to be my chill place. Most of those people, along with that happy and peaceful environment, are gone now. Old Tumblr is dead, old DeviantArt is gone, I feel detached from FA more than I ever have. Everything feels scattered and divided, and people are so jaded, which I really can’t blame anyone for. No matter where I go, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore, and I don’t really want to be anywhere, either. I feel like I don’t even fit in with my own demographic, no matter what I try. I can’t emphasize enough that I’m trying to post for and enjoy an internet and online community that no longer exists. It’s my own fault for living in the past. Everything is far too fleeting now, engagement is king and constant streams of new content, as well as outrage, equals that. Everyone else seems to be able to change so readily with it, and I’m still stuck figuring things out from five years ago. I can’t seem to recognize or understand anyone anymore, either. I can’t keep up, and I don’t want to try to anymore.

I think what I wanted the most for my art was for it to resonate with people. It’s always been my favorite thing to do for fun, and it always made me so happy knowing my art made someone’s day better, even if it was just Hattie being silly or cute fan art. The idea that I could make someone breathe easier because I drew something soft and comforting is incredibly meaningful to me. But my art was always a powerful emotional outlet for me, too. I know my vent art would often dip into edgy territory, especially in my teenage years, and I withdrew from drawing vent art as a whole because I became too self-aware of it and I felt too exposed. But it was real, and it came from a real place and real emotions, and that’s still important to me. I feel emotions very strongly. I wanted to say something and be understood. And I guess that’s what I still want? To be understood, like anyone else would want, I guess.

I don’t even know what I want out of posting online anymore, or why I bother to check it. Every bit of engagement I get feels more empty than rewarding, and that discrepancy keeps growing. I hate it, because I know it’s because my brain has been trained to want more. I hate that I need more and more validation that people care about me via my art, because it used to be purely mine. And I want so much for it to just be mine again. It’s really felt like I’ve been drawing for everyone else for such a long time, and I guess that’s also my own fault. I feel trapped here. I really don’t enjoy drawing anymore, and I never get the urge to like I used to, and I cannot express how much that absolutely guts me. I always say social media is what ruined it for me, but I know that my participation in social media was my own choice, so I know I actually ruined it for myself.

I have a lot of work to do. I need to just get better as a person, fix my mental health, gain any semblance of self-worth so that I’m not breaking down every week over my value as an artist being synonymous with my value as a person (before you wonder, I am working with mental health professionals regularly now). I know I complain a LOT about the internet and how it’s changed, but I need to make it very clear that I don’t meant to put the blame solely on all of that for my mental state. I recognize that I just have a lot of issues and I make things harder for myself all the time. I’m chronically living in the past and unhappy with the present, and that’s 100% a me problem. This is the only move I can think of that will allow me to actually focus on getting my shit together; removing the option of being an online artist altogether. I can’t cheat and peek at Twitter and slowly make my way back after three weeks. While I’m at it, I will probably stop posting everywhere else too (not that I was really posting much anyway). I don’t want to say I’m leaving forever but I will say that I want no more expectations, I’m not gonna be posting anymore, basically until further notice. I have to figure my shit out for real. I’m not sure if this will even work, it might just make things worse for me. But I’m just at a loss and I feel like I need to do something. I don’t know if my absence from online art posting will cause me to miraculously enjoy drawing again and a year from now I’ll have a massive backlog to show everyone, I’ll be fixed and happy…I don’t know. I just know this isn’t for me, not right now.

I feel guilty doing this, because I have people who have been following me and supporting me for well over a decade, and I think you guys deserve better than this. It’s a big part of my motivation for doing this to begin with - I’m kind of ashamed to show myself to these awesome people every day, I feel like I owe everyone more than just my gratitude, but I haven’t been able to deliver consistent art or content in years. I feel like I'm letting so many people down every day, and ultimately I feel the same about leaving. But I need to get better first. I think about everyone all the time and feel so lucky and so stupid. I know it’s dramatic, but to everyone, thank you, and I’m sorry.

For anybody going, “it’s not that deep,” I’ve heard that plenty. This post isn’t for you.

I’m not completely disappearing from the internet. If you want to get into contact with me, you can add me on Discord at RealaChao#7312. I will still accept commissions privately for now, so just reach out to me (I’ll update my commissions Carrd site if I decide to close them). I won’t necessarily be deleting my accounts, but I will be logging out of everything at least and disabling notifications, so please don’t message me on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or anywhere else expecting a reply. You can also email me at plutoeffoart@gmail.com. Lastly, my main focus these days has been my Neocities, so you’re welcome to check that out (though it's largely a draft right now). It’s not going to be an art site, though, at least not only art. It’s gonna be my quiet home.

I also posted this here. Genuinely, thanks for everything.