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Day 152 of Sobriety: "Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe in a power greater than myself?"

The thought of "God" has always upset me. Being a lesbian from Indiana, I've always strayed from the "teachings" of God that everyone around me tried to force upon me. I lost a lot of friends when I came out and soon became the target of discrimination and hateful jokes. My entire life, every attempted conversion from a "good Christian" pushed me further and further away from the thought of "God" and how he allegedly "loved" me.

Growing up being the victim of conservative Christian views I found it a lot easier on myself to mock and deny their views rather than allow it to hurt me. I can't count how many times I've heard the phrase:

"Love the sinner, hate the sin."

That sentence alone was enough to convince me I had seen all I needed to see in order to avoid organized religion. Hate the sinner but love the sin? If the sin in question is the fact that I'm a lesbian, wouldn't that mean I am the sin? This huge piece of me that I cannot change or WANT to change is a sin that you hate? Why would I want to be around people who hate something so important to me?

On top of that, I had never met a Christian who preached the "teachings of the bible" to me and followed the words they spoke. Every day a new Catholic priest was being arrested for molesting children. Youth Pastors being exposed for preying on teenagers. Pastors being convicted of laundering money from the church and cheating on their wives. People who haven't stepped foot in a church in 10 years, have five kids out of wedlock, and drink like fish suddenly had all the wisdom in the world to be able to tell me I'm going to hell to burn for eternity all because I eat pussy? Yeah... okay.

My first time in A.A. I strayed from the program because according to me, it was too "cultish". Every share seemed to include God. All the things they owe to God. All the things God has fixed in their lives. God, God, God. I tuned out any time a "G' word was said. Because it did not pertain to me. It wasn't FOR me. It was for all the other Jesus nuts in the room.

Of course, it's about God as you understood him.

But I still didn't listen, because it included the word God.

As you know, I didn't work the steps the first go around.

This time, I came back into the rooms still thinking A.A. is just a little too church-y for me. But, this time I was actually making an effort. Step one was finished. That's why I was back in the rooms. Cool.

Step two was a little different.

"We came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Right back to the church stuff. As my sponsor and I continued to meet and the more I read about the fourth dimension I'll be sent into once through the steps. Every time I heard this the more I doubted there was any hope for me. I've been preached to my whole life. How is this program going to be any different? Are all the long time sober alcoholics just "good Christians" in masks? Was all of this just a waste of time? But I wanted so badly to believe in this full heartedly.

I shared my skepticism with my sponsor. l was afraid she'd turn me away. I was afraid she'd tell me I was a lost cause. She did nothing of the sort. She continued to work with me through my skepticism. Through coffee dates with her and weekly meetings I felt I was given tiny glimpses of that fourth dimension. Little phrases and shares that I connected with that changed my way of thinking for the day. Meetings where the topic seemed almost designed simply for me and the things I was going through. Maybe this was the God as I understood him working for me.

Little by little, my skepticism has been being chipped away by the program of A.A. Today, it's been nearly, if not completely, demolished.

"We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God."

"Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God."

"We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding, to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men."

"As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we empathetically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built."

These four statements did more for me in a matter of an hour than the Holy Bible ever did in my 24 years of life. It was in these statements I felt my skepticism wither away.

I saw an image in my mind's eye of my fists no longer swinging at the concept of God and his followers. I felt relief from no longer arguing and trying so hard to prove my points. I felt peace and acceptance.

I was no longer "too smart" or "too edgy" to believe in a power higher than myself.

It's strange because these statements are fairly normal and often said/written in most religions. I've been told these statements multiple times but only from the mouths of hypocritical "good Christians". But that "Love the sinner, hate the sin" saying always deterred me. They didn't want to be my friends. They wanted to convert me to get brownie points with God. So, of course, I've had no interest in them.

My wonderful, amazing friend across the table from me was the one helping me understand these things. The person who hugs me every day and reminds me I matter. The one who takes time out of her weekend to help me through this program was the one teaching me this. She didn't have to deceive me into being her friend in order to convert me. I willingly came to the program. All she did was ask me to take her number down. She had no hidden agenda or bible verses to throw at me. Just her presence and the things that got her to sobriety. This is someone I trust whole heartedly. And we'd met every week for this long. If she were going to convert me she would've done it that very first day.

This book in front of me, written by imperfect individuals who struggled from the same disease as me, was telling me that my Higher Power or my God did not care for a second that I am who I am. My Higher Power does not care about the fact I have tattoos or that I curse or that I'm gay.

It was in this moment that everything clicked into place.

My God does not require me to attend Church every single Sunday. My God does not require me to speak in tongues and do a praise dance. My God does not want me to wear dresses and grow my hair out and find a nice Christian man. My God requires me to stay sober. That's it. And if I were to break my sobriety she surely wouldn't send me to a fiery realm for all of eternity.

I can exist. I can live the life I want. I can speak how I wish to speak. I can dress how I wish to dress. I can love the person I love. I just have to be willing to give my God an opportunity to show me what she can do for me.

If she's willing to give me a wonderful, beautiful, sober life the least I can do is give her a chance to give it to me.

In A.A., alcoholics do not get brownie points for holding themselves or others accountable. Group members are not granted special privileges for showing up every morning and sharing. No one is given an award for introducing a struggling alcoholic to the rooms or granted a seat in heaven for memorizing the serenity prayer.

The only gift, good karma, riches, or privileges we receive is one more day sober.

Finally, I am willing and I believe in a power greater than myself.

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scribbellz

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toastedbyeli

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Green Dreams, Shibuya 渋谷

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The goal isn't to be sober. The goal is to love yourself so much that you don't need to drink.

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"Someday, I can."

Journal about "Someday I can."

"He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had acquired would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self-knowledge would fix it."

I, too, had believed my knowledge from the year (I think it was that long?) I spent in A.A. had cured me. The mistakes I'd made, the loss of everything, the rock bottom had taught me all I needed to know in order to drink responsibly. I had grown and matured enough to know I was better than all the other drunks in A.A. When I relapsed after that stint in A.A. it wasn't over a resentment, a loss, a death. It was because I was 20 years old and I was left to my own devices. I no longer had anyone watching over my shoulder to see if I'd keep up the good work of sobriety. I was allowed to let my mask fall and let loose. For the first time in a year I felt like myself. This was acceptable for a couple years. Of course, I had some drunken embarrassments and arguments. But so did every other 21 year old. I had the ability to stop or slow down whenever I pleased. I went to work regularly, I paid my bills, I kept my apartment clean. I worked a high intensity job in which I went through 12 hours of hell every shift. Why couldn't I have a six pack of beer while I played my video games? Why couldn't I have a bottle of whiskey and listen to music on my nights off? I was 23 I deserved a night out to the bar with the girls every weekend if I so pleased. But none of this was alcoholism to me. This was me being a grown woman in my own home having a grand old time. I wasn't sitting on the curb with a card board sign like the bum downtown. I wasn't hiding my liquor in the dishwasher like grandma Tony did. I wasn't beating on my wife and smashing in windows like my stepdad. I wasn't wrecking into mailboxes and ripping off bumpers like Aunt Carrie. I wasn't hurting anyone. I was being 23. Even when I got into fist fights with strangers at the bar, I was just too lit. When I said hurtful and offensive things through slurred words, I just had come off the wrong way, it was meant to be a joke, really. When I blew all my money at the liquor store, I was just bad at money management. When I started drinking before work, I just needed something to get me in a good mood before the grueling shift. When I needed to be plastered in order to have sex with a woman it was only because I was too shy when sober to be intimate. I only started using cocaine again to keep myself awake longer to enjoy the party. Yet, through all of this, everything I had learned in A.A. was just enough to keep me on the straight and narrow. I told myself this lie from that very first drink 4 years ago. It had been 4 years of denial and false wisdom. It was only when I went to jail for the DUI I realized the only difference between me and the cellmate I had was that her drug of choice was meth, not alcohol. "Someday I can." Was heavy on my mind from the very first meeting I had attended. Everyone around me was 2 years sober, 40 years sober, 20 years sober. That wasn't me. I had absolutely zero interest in going the rest of my life without an ice cold beer or a drunken night of fun and laughter. I could go about a year. Maybe a little over as long as nobody offered me anything.

But I had absolutely no intention of living the rest of my life in sobriety. That sounded like a boring, miserable existence. To me, if I committed myself to sobriety, I might as well just become a nun and live in a temple for the rest of my life. All I had to do right now was attend meetings and recite the serenity prayer. But, someday I can have another drink and another drunken night out with the girls.

I caught myself thinking this way again this time around. I just needed to get myself back on my feet. Be smart enough not to drive if I'm drinking. Limit myself to only drinking on weekends. I would only have three drinks if I went to the bar and I absolutely would not drink before or at work. I was gonna have that cold drink again even if I had to wait until I was 70 years old. But, someday I can. Right now, it was game time. Funny enough, I'm not the only alcoholic with these thoughts. In fact some guys back in the 1930's had the exact same ideas. And they ended up dead or in the hospital. How many others thought this way? Did any of them succeed?

This subject took me back to that first drink at 20. All those things that had occurred in those next 4 years and how alcohol was the cause of a lot of it. All the worst things in my life that I'd had a hand in were amplified by alcohol. Even when I'd been successful it didn't matter because at the end of it I lost it all anyhow.

"Someday I can." Is the kind of thinking that got me right back to where I am now. That someday came in a short year. When's the next "someday"? If that someday comes, what will I lose then? Will I lose a wife? Kids? A house? My freedom? My life? When that someday comes who's to say I'll be able to fix it again? Some day, my sisters will get sick of taking me in. My mother will be tired of trusting my promises. My sponsor may not always be there to save the day. In my multiple attempts at sobriety I've had a million "someday"-s. Thankfully, I survived them and managed not to injure or kill anyone. But it wasn't without a price. Look what they did. What I did.

"Someday, I can enjoy an ice cold beer on the beach when I'm retired."

"Someday, I can drink at my wedding."

"Someday, I can have one drink at a bar and not lose control."

Except, in order to live, I can't. In order to keep everything I've built, everything I have and will build or gain later on depends on "someday I can't". There is no "someday". There is only today. And today, I cannot and will not break my sobriety.

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145 Days Sober

Today is May 25, 2025. I am 145 days sober. Every Sunday I meet with my sponsor. We sit for an hour and read through the big book. In her words, "We read, we discuss, we dissect, that's sponsorship."

These meetings are extremely important to me. I look forward to them. I feel better after every meeting and I leave with newfound wisdom and fuel for thought. Today, we discussed chapter three, "More about alcoholism". Out of the three chapters we've gone through thus far I feel I related to this one the most. There are absolutely informal and inspiring paragraphs in chapters 1 and 2. But, this one spoke volumes. I communicated this to her and she assigned me the homework of journaling about what I liked about this chapter and the idea that "Someday I can". I highlighted quite a few phrases (much to the encouragement of my sponsor). "There was tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it- this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish." I was one of those people who always blamed others for their addiction. I always thought those who continued returning to their dope dealer were just low life junkies. I had empathy to a certain point. I understood why people may start using drugs. Bad childhoods, abuse, pain, trauma. But I never understood why they couldn't get it together enough to even attempt sobriety. How hard is it to stop buying drugs? But... why was it so hard for me to stop going to the liquor store? My older sister felt the same way. She probably still does. Why was it such a feat for me to quit my job at the liquor store down the street? Why couldn't I just throw away the shooters I kept in my nightstand and stick to beer? Even though I knew drinking would result in me being evicted and losing everything, I knew I'd be right back to it the moment no one was watching. And it resulted in exactly what I knew would happen. As much as I felt the need to stay sober and prove to everyone around me I wasn't a low life alcoholic piece of shit... I just couldn't. Not because I would go through withdrawals or the shakes or seizures. Because I just couldn't. I explained that when the craving for alcohol came over me, as much as I knew I shouldn't be doing it, I made my way to the liquor store. It was almost the same feeling as when you arrive at your destination without remembering how you managed to get the car there in the first place. I compared it to being possessed by something I couldn't fight despite knowing the entire time exactly what I was doing.

This passage gave me a new realization and understanding. I was no better than a heroin addict seeing the dope man everyday. My dope man just so happened to be legal and encouraged for people in my age range. It made me feel less stupid or weak to know other alcoholics went through this too and that I wasn't just a weak-minded, weak-willed individual. I suffered and still suffer from an allergy of the body. From a head that wants me dead.

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おくで/Kosuke Okude

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windows in chinese suzhou gardens by 六毛钱的月亮

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The Arrival by Thimo Ruppel

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I just heard the phrase, “If you wouldn’t trust their advice, don’t trust their criticism” for the first time and I don’t think I���ve ever needed to hear anything more

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Abandoned GameBoy post box in the mountains of Shikoku, Kagawa, Japan

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Reminder that you're actually interesting. Your hobbies are interesting, your interests are interesting, you are important and loveable and people appreciate you. You're just a loveable, interesting person.

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