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leighdoesitall · 6 months ago

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12/23

It's not easy for me to stick with things. It's not easy for me to do most things. Sometimes, the most basic parts of life seem harder for me to do than that hardest parts of other people's lives. The interesting thing, though, is that when something really big and crazy happens--I'm cool as a cucumber.

My old therapist told me this is a part of CPTSD. Take a combat veteran. They are put in horrifying situations over and over for a good chunk of their early years. When you take them out of it and expect them to go back into civilian life, it's just not going to mesh easily.

I experienced a lot of things from early childhood that no child should have to experience. I know it. I know this well at this point. although it is still hard to admit. My parents drilled it into my head that others have it worse, so I shouldn't linger on the bad in my life.

of course they'd say that. most of my problems stemmed from them being actual insane people.

What a surprise though. I am now also an insane person. Spinning wheel and all that.

It's okay, though. Because you know what I have? A loving husband, 3 cool cats, and the best dog in the universe.

Sunshine, Aldi, DD, Beans

They're amazing.

My life is amazing.

I have a job that I love. I never thought that would be possible. I love my coworkers. I love my life. I do love my life.

Right now, I have decided to write because I'm having a T H I N G. I don't know what's going on. I think it's because of my health anxiety. Since Thursday, I've had a cold. I know it sounds stupid but I rarely get sick so even if it's a small thing, my health anxiety kicks in and just doesn't let up.

The other thing, i wonder, is if it's outstanding effects from going off medications. I went most of my life without medication. Sometimes I wonder if life was better before I went to therapy.

I really don't think so though. Because I was still having depressive episodes. Still having spacing out for long stretches of time after encountering a trigger.

Right now, the problem is my head is really fuzzy. Like completely disconnected from reality. I think I'm experiencing anxiety but I also feel like I'm feeling nothing and I'm confused and my brains are just mush basically. This is not fun. This is not fun at all. I don't like to drink. I don't like smoking weed. Christ I didn't even like the buzz that came from nicotine. I still don't know why I started smoking.

CBT would have me tell myself that yes...my head is very fuzzy to the point that I'm not sure what is happening. BUT I'm writing very clearly right now. I was just playing Skyrim up until about ten minutes ago. This is just a bad day. Bad days happen. I'm sick. I have a head cold. What happens when people get head colds? Surprise Surprise--their heads get a little foggy.

Bad things have happened to me. More good things have happened than bad, though, and I'm very lucky to get to have the amazing things I have in my life. But that's not just it. This didn't 'just happen'. I made this happen. I love my husband. I love my pets. I love my apartment. I love my job. I love all the things in our home. I love my sister. I love my best friend. I love all my internet friends. I fucking love ATEEZ. And I love myself.

I love myself because I care about others. I want to help others. I'm deeply empathetic. I like making other people laugh, and I love laughing. Horror is my favorite genre. I think it has something to do with the CPTSD tbh. Pretty sure it's a way to control the horror. I can just turn it off, if I really want to.

This week is going to be great. It's Christmas after all. This time of year is always hard for me, but that's okay. I'm going to enjoy it with my husband and pets that I love so much. I'll see my best friend who I love more than the world. I'll meet with a few of my online friends. I'll see my husband's family who I love and am thankful for. I'll tell my sister I love her.

Once Im breathing a little better, I'll start going to the gym upstairs. Nothing crazy. Bike, weights, yada yada. I'm gonna do it.

People pay good fucking money to feel as fucking high as I do when I spin out like this. I should ride the wave. It's not a bad thing. My brain does this when it needs a minute.

It really needs a minute.

In the past year I've gone through a shit ton of medications and sold my house and got my first apartment and got a new job and got a promotion and my husband was having a very hard time.

Everything is crazy.

It's okay to need to go a bit fuzzy sometimes.

Last week, I was so happy it almost hurt my face from how much I was smiling.

I think I'll feel that way next week too.

Thank you, Leigh. You're amazing. I love you. You work hard. You're smart and funny and fucking weird and I really really really love you and I'm so happy I get to be me, even if it hurts sometimes. So thank you. I'm excited to be back with the part of me that can see the sun past the clouds.

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leighdoesitall · 7 months ago

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I'm going to use this account to chronicle my ongoing physical and mental health battle in hopes that journaling about it will make it easier for me to track progress and notice patterns.

Last year, I decided that I was finally going to travel. The lockdowns had made me realize that life can be short, and I shouldn't let my mental health control my every step in life.

Starting last February, I went to London to meet friends and see ATEEZ. Then I went to New Orleans for VueConf. Finally, I went to Amsterdam with my partner to attend CSS Day.

I'm really proud of myself for pushing myself outside of my comfort zone to do these things. I met so many incredible people, saw beautiful sights, and experienced so much more than I ever thought I'd be brave enough to do.

That's when it started, though. Another major depressive episode. I learned during my trips that my severe health anxiety hadn't gone away... It was just in hiding.

Every single day that I was away from home, I had non-stop panic attacks. The only thing that stopped them was Ativan. But as a member of a family full of addicts, and a person with health anxiety, taking a med like that was very uncomfortable for me.

Coming home from that hit me like a truck. The depression was bad this time. I've had two major depressive episodes on my life, and I could tell this one was shaping up to be the worst one yet.

I went to my PCP to ask about Lexapro. It's the only SSRI I can recall standing when I tried psych meds as a kid. God, that was awful. Trying meds when I was young was one of the scariest things I've ever encountered. I should've known this wasn't going to go well.

The worst part of the Lexapro was, by far, the first 2 weeks. If a doctor tries to reassure you by telling you that you most likely won't have side effects, just know that's statistically untrue. I had severe depression, panic, nausea, dilated puppies, and other strange symptoms like not being able to listen to music, barely recognizing myself in the mirror, and an overall disconnect from reality.

Spoiler Alert: This will be a common thread in my medication journey.

After 6 weeks, things finally leveled out. I went from 5 to 10 to 20 mg. Each time I bumped it up, those same side effects occurred.

When things chilled out, this was one of the best times of my life. For the first time ever, there was no hypervigilance. No agoraphobia. No weirdness around food, sex, my health, or all the other idiosyncracies that made my life unbearable for so long.

For the first time ever, I didn't feel the void that is almost always present inside of me.

I did start presenting with what seemed like hypomanic episodes. Sudden bursts of insane excitement, unbearable desires to do spontaneous things that made no sense at all. No sleep, general obsessing over hobbies and tasks that I previously didn't really think all that much about.

During these periods, I bought a dog. I traveled across my state multiple times to look at $3000+ cats and would've bought them too if my partner didn't help chill me out. I sold our house.

My doctor added a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) to the mix. It helped these episodes. I haven't had one ever since.

I noticed something strange about 8 months in on the Lexapro. I felt great all the time. Life was so much easier. So carefree. So easy.

But I did NOTHING.

I didn't want to write. I didn't want to read. No video games. No movies.

I became a bit of a smiling, happy clay figure that could be posed but couldn't move on my own to do anything.

All I did was go to work, take a nap, have dinner, take a nap, hang out with my partner, then go to bed.

I had no desire to learn, to play, to create, to adventure.

I was a shell.

At this point, I finally got into a psychiatrist. That's its own awful story that I'll tell at another time, but right now...

The doctor suggested adding Wellbutrin which I tolerated very well. So well, in fact, that it reminded me of my long standing ADHD-I diagnosis that I had been ignoring. Didn't help with my depression, but it certainly helped with my executive function.

We decided to switch antidepressants. This is a long process. Weaning off SSRIs could be worse, but it certainly wasn't fun. I suffered increased PTSD symptoms, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, nausea, migraines. The whole shebang.

Eventually, we added in Zoloft.

I didn't let this one last as long as Lexapro. Less start up pains but I certainly wasn't happy after 8 weeks and I was already feeling that familiar NOTHING that made Lexapro unbearable for me.

We decided to give Prozac a try. From my childhood, we know I don't tolerate SNRIs well. So this was our last option for now. I'm fucking tired. My brain and body hurt. I need to recalibrate.

Prozac didn't last more than two weeks. This was just three weeks ago actually.

It was BAD. I thought I was going to die. My most responsed worse than ever and so did just my mind.

I'm lucky I have a loving partner and a good life. I'm so lucky I have years of therapy and a current therapist that kept me safe during this time.

Medication is for a lot of people and can save lives.

Not mine, though.

I almost lost mine.

I don't want to dwell on it too much. My therapist advocated for me and convinced my psych to let me go off all meds except Wellbutrin.

I feel more like myself than I have in a year and a half.

I'm mostly relieved. But I'm also scared for the future. And I feel weirdly ashamed that I couldn't tough it out on the medication route

The thing is...I have CPTSD. That is one definite thing. I have severe health anxiety. I know this for sure. Everything else is up in the air from a diagnosis perspective. It'll be good to go med free for a while to get a baseline for who I really am at this point.

On another note... My therapist started tracking my moods and it became apparent to her very quickly that my cycles have very definite effects on my emotions.

I got in with her referred gyno and I immediately got a PMDD diagnosis. More than that, with my physical symptoms, she is almost positive I have Endo which could be impacting my mental and physical state.

She wants me to start Norethindrone soon for 3 months to see if it helps. I'll do a separate post on this soon.

These posts are just for me, but I will tag them in case they are helpful for anyone. I'll discuss my physical and mental health as well health anxiety, food, and ADHD ideas.

I hope this helps me manage my thoughts. Having grown up in a very scary environment that has permanently altered how I navigate the world, I can only compare my experience with medications to that time. I felt isolated, scared, sick, tired, and completely and utterly unlistened to even when I felt like I was screaming for help.

This won't be easy, but we'll keep fighting. I love myself past, present, and future and I plan to protect Leigh with everything I have.

ODAAT

#depression #anxiety #mental health #mental illness #medication #antidepressants #health anxiety #tw sui ideation #nausea #endometriosis #hormonalhealth

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