lenawrote

[lenawrote]

I've never been so vulnerable to anyone like this

you scare me

your feelings scare me

i have the flight urge

leave and never come back

delivered for 3 months

And come back like nothing happened

like I didn't run away from your heart

i push it away constantly

I can't hold it im afraid it will break under my touch

the slightest reaching out will shatter me and you

you can try to reassure

but the guilt will linger

the shame will knock on my door at 11 pm

the nausea constant

I can't say it

dont make me say it

would i even love you if i saw you in real life?

[lenawrote]

A Feeling of dread is almost

comfort

like sleeping in danger almost a lullaby for your worries and aches.

When I am alone, I can count on it,

in my stomach, in my head

it lies.

[lenawrote]

I am a ghost. Not omnipresent but in the memory of others. With soft light and harsh. I am remembered.

[lenawrote]

Wake up, full of doubt.

Throughout days

detached,

succumbing.

Reality?

Is warm...?

Voices in a deep mumble of disarray pacing about. About you? About me?

Guilty, Guilty

It leaks out of me like a faucet left on.

The night soars and my eyes are heavy

tear-streaked

But won't you know?

[lenawrote]

Home can sometimes be your poison

"Home is where the heart is," can also be the same home that contribute to the scars you inflict

The wounds that are salted by gentle hands

Ears torn off in hopes of muting the mouth

I still hear them

when i clean, when i do nothing when i do

everything

Yelling in forms of knives drive themselves into my gut

My chest blooms with pain

worthlessness

no matter what we do

home is where you're executed,

a stake driven into your heart

the womb being the farthest place of peace known

[lenawrote]

I promise you it gets better.

A version of you somewhere in time and motion is smiling, eyes bright and heart full. Please wait to meet them, they have something to tell you.

When days are gray and mind in decay, close your eyes and picture another day. They exist I can assure you, new days with better beginnings and happy endings. All ahead of darkend times, the sunlight peeks golden in due time. Its going to be fine.

[lenawrote]

I've been thinking of you

Quite a lot lately

My fantasies and dreams blur in to each other just as how your face is blurred, like all the others but I know

it's you

It tickles

My heart yearns for you in ways I don't like to admit

Too sappy and shameful for my mouth

to remember

how to speak

I don't Like

having feelings

an unreasonable reason to act

do things

in memory of you even though your body isn't buried and is well alive

Just not with me

Emotionally, of course

I don't even want to go through the

struggle

of being in a long distance relationship

but i cant help

thinking feeling wondering wishng hoping

what your hands would feel like on my skin

a hug is all i need to be satisfied

feel your warmth align itself with mine

blood streams once divided now flowing together steadily

this is probably the sappiest poem about you

I'm too deep in my feelings to care

too deep in the abyss that is you

of all the what ifs i torture myself with

youre the brightest

it's not fun

knowing what i know and knowing how you feel

that you'll always be mine

and I, yours

But I can't really control it

can i?

[lenawrote]

You're so sensitive!

I know.

Countless days of trying to numb myself

the emotions bubble in my throat and i swallow it like acid

Bile that tries to leave my heavy, shame filled stomach

I can't remember how many times I've held in tears, breathing slowly breathing quietly trying to make myself

small

Trying to rip my tear ducts off so I wouldn't make a mess

My heart hurts

It hurts like I'm grieving a death

But nothing that fatal ever happens to me

Only silly things that make me

throw up

hit my skull hoping it'll fix it

So I can be normal again

And not be

so

sensitive

[lenawrote]

Sometimes I miss you

and I know I shouldn't because our relationship wasn't even intimate

it was but

not in the way I could be proud of it, not to the extent i remember your touch, or your voice up close, tickling my ear, my heart

I don't know

who you are, behind the screen

behind the face time calls, behind the pictures

I don't know you

Our parents and friends will never know of your existence or mine

but i still told my mom about you

You are across the land from me and we still fell in love

Even after

I was mean, and you were nothing but good to me

All your kindness was undeserved for

this

wretched heart of mine

God, This is so stupid

you're not even cute

But do looks really overpower the things you'd do for me?

that was back then, you were warm, light of my day, I couldn't feel bad around you

(unless Things got Awkward)

I don't know what to do, We're friends but those feelings will always linger

A ghost of 'i love you' peering behind the blinds of daily conversation, meaningless how are you's

they try to reach for me, and i for you

but it's no use, you are cold, I am wishing for something that's not there anymore

a presence left behind

at least, it's not seen by me often because when you

share The occasional compliment

I'm back in august

And we're on call for the fifth time today, smiling in this modern, cruel type of love

[lenawrote]

It's fine

Go on without me

It's okay

I'm not bothered

I don't want to seem like a burden, I want to only seem like a safe haven a toy a trinket a doll you can push around and do as you please

Go on and

Interrupt my story with something much more interesting and no it's fine, it's better if you talk

Because my mouth is unbalanced it stumbles out words and phrases all placed disorderly

I tape my mouth shut so you feel at ease, at comfort the entirety of our conversations

No, no, it's ok, I'm doing great, I love our conversations!

I'd like to think It's better if I blend into a mannequin, a robot but please just

let me crawl into your ears and sing myself a lullaby only I can hear

I can listen, I can listen and advise and smile and laugh all at the right times but I cannot speak

Sometimes it's not because I'm not allowed to but because

I Can't

Suddenly my throat is dry and sticky my gums are bleeding out and forming shapes with my lips seems too much trouble to bear Even if all I ever wanted is to speak

I can't,

I can't and I don't need to

My voice is gone, so is my self preservation

[lenawrote]

Home can sometimes be your poison

"Home is where the heart is," can also be the same home that contribute to the scars you inflict

The wounds that are salted by gentle hands

Ears torn off in hopes of muting the mouth

I still hear them

when i clean, when i do nothing when i do

everything

Yelling in forms of knives drive themselves into my gut

My chest blooms with pain

worthlessness

no matter what we do

home is where you are killed

the womb being the farthest place of peace known

[lenawrote]

You practically shout your love for me

I shove it away with nothing more than a blink A dismissive stare, tone stance

you know how you feel, i know how you feel about me

but it's too late

for me to care

or regret

because i know what we had

what we were

was rare

And I regret it

sometimes

Because I know one part of me a sliver of my soul the piece of my heart i gave you

will always be yours

and you'll always be mine in some form

some form of giving, the words you say to me will

be mine

even if we don't speak often

Even if i cant grasp you fully

[lenawrote]

I'm so tired.

[lenawrote]

A small fire in me begins to dim, the same one that kept me warm

My fingertips icy, my heart even more

Why do you hate me?

The mirror cries

My insides turn boiling hot, the shame the shame the shame twists me inside out

I hate you The round inky unstable sphere in me whispers

And continues to whisper and it gets louder and louder and I can't take it anymore

I'm on the edge

Rose pink in the sky and my vision narrows

My heart stopped beating a while ago.

[lenawrote]

It has been a while since I've grasped a knife

cradling it on my wrists

it's been a while since I've

Stared in the mirror a bit too long

my features are distorting into swirls of asymmetry and blemishes

It's been a while since I looked at the pills in my backpack, reminding myself

20 is all i need

It's been a while since I woke up with puffy eyes

an aching wound in my chest

Forever stretching inwards

It's been a while since my head hung low, sunken eyes staring holes into my food

barely being able to stomach the thought of eating

The sun rises my smile with it

the scars are gone, the hole in my chest is small and treated with kindess, patience like a newborn

The wound is my child, and I, the mother

[lenawrote]

This isn't a love poem, i promise

a poem by lena ও

do you think of me? In the dead of night when nobody listens to their mind but their heart instead

The stolen glances that I see, the jokes we make and your compliments

Can you even call them compliments?

but

they're yours, so they are.

It's wrong, i know.

when i don't know what you feel and you are skillful at hiding the feelings you swore aren't there

But maybe I'm just too hopeful,

and as a hopeless romantic unable to know if it's friendliness or something like beauty

Either way, it's not like i will ever tell you

and the day i do is the day God himself will strike me like my father once did, to the back of my thighs as punishment for not being able to keep my mouth and heart shut

because i am too expressive to keep things secret

and

the same way you think fondly of my face, i think of yours too

The silly faces you make when practicing the music you play

the uncomfortable look you give to me knowing it's something only we know and it's stupid

it's stupid and dumb and i shouldn't be feeling this way but its hard, i hate you and the fact you make me feel just a little special within your life, being the most recent person you text, asking questions and focusing your attention on me

why do you do this? is this a torture method for love? Are we friends or best friends or

(don't finish that sentence)

you introduced me to the smiths, talking about their different meanings and how they really are bad people and even then

The passion in your eyes is fleeting

but

i saw it

the glittering in your eyes even if the rest of your face didn't show it

you let me talk about mitski while recommending song after song after song, rambling on and on

am i just really lonely that i take friendliness for something more and romance for friendliness? Am i just that stupid?

still, i swear

This isn't a love poem