lifelonghaul

[lifelonghaul]

Masks rule, nobody realizes I fkn botched myself shaving last night

Having an excuse to still be masking is honestly pretty choice, no one needs to know I never put aside the money for laser

[lifelonghaul]

illicit train shower selfie

[lifelonghaul]

I don’t think I’ve ever spent this long surrounded by Americans, y’all talk funny

[lifelonghaul]

I’m on day 2 of a 4 day train trip

I feel like I’m in a TB Sanitorium but for brain rot

No internet (train from the 50s)

Huge data dead zones - (brief one bar service when passing towns)

And a singular communal wall outlet that’s fiercely fought over

Only pass time is look at mountain and chat w/ seniors

Heard the career history of many a retiree

Met some Ohio Canadaboos who fought w their HOA to put up our flag

Seen a couple millennial gays knitting and puzzling

Maybe I’ll be normal by the end of this

[lifelonghaul]

Having an excuse to still be masking is honestly pretty choice, no one needs to know I never put aside the money for laser

[lifelonghaul]

I’m on a trip for the first time in a long while. For my mom’s birthday- it’s an important one this year

We’ve flown to one end of the country stayed a few days, and we’re taking the train all the way back

.

Flying was kinda wild, the last flight I was on was to get back into the country before the borders closed up - also 1000% where I got exposed and what went on to disable me

I was pretty anxious entering the airport - packed with people but no masks in sight save the few very obvious queers

No one in my family masked. I offered at the airport and before boarding but I didn’t insist, which was kinda a misplay

I was too “individual choice” pilled, I felt weird forcing the issue since it’s an issue I hadn’t run into yet

Now I’m looking at each of them like 72hr Petri dishes, extremely paranoid over every throat clear or sniffle

.

It’s kinda a bummer travelling w/ chronic illness

At the beginning I was able to come along for a few things, but I started rapidly deteriorating from the constant pace. I’ve seen truly none of the city I’m currently in

While the rest of my group explores the area, plans day trips, I stay behind and stare at the ceiling of an airbnb

It sucked hearing the plans, it sucked staying behind, and it also kinda sucked told about it later

Having limited time in a place really rubs in just how much less I’m able to do/see/experience

.

I’m pretty nervous about the train. This whole trip I’ve been hovering between 30~70% of the way to throwing up. Motion sickness + cumulative fatigue probs

The thought of being in near constant motion for 96 hrs is kinda horrifying

apparently trains are better than most forms of travel since it’s mainly consistent linear motion,

But I can’t trust it till I’ve actually felt it, I can’t shake the thought of being lurched over a toilet for half a week

[lifelonghaul]

I’ve had to go downtown a bit more than usual recently- and as a result I’ve had more encounters with strangers

I played peekaboo with a baby on the subway,

I sat on a bench with an older woman and silently watched a kid fail a kick flip for like 20 minutes,

I exchanged in some extremely low stakes banter as I ran my various errands

It’s maybe a twinge pathetic, but I enjoyed it - I felt a bit lighter

It’s kinda the opposite of the “alone in the crowd” feeling- I defamiliarized and remembered the people that make up the crowd existed

I still don’t really have anyone to talk to, no one I’d consider a friend

But it’s good to remember I’m not completely socially isolated - even if it often feels that way

[lifelonghaul]

It felt kinda wild opting in to feminine beauty standards

I was well dressed well groomed up until the second I transitioned, then I was just some sloppy hag who didn’t know her foundation shade - the bar I was so above as a man turned out to be the lowest rung of the fem ladder

I doubt the theoretical cis-me would be that much better off, like maybe she’d do her brows but there’s no shot that bitch contours

[lifelonghaul]

It’s occasionally difficult to feel like a woman when you haven’t showered in three days and your whole body is growing a layer of stubble like some shitty depressed chia pet

[lifelonghaul]

A really fucked part of long covid is that you’ll read stories of people in essentially your exact circumstances that randomly woke up cured.

Maybe they’re lying, maybe the fukn aloe extract they swear by was the cure all along, all you really know is that it wasn’t you

It’s an illness where recovery is observable, which should mean possible, but until we have some semblance of causality it’s just a lottery you keep not winning

[lifelonghaul]

every action has an equal and opposite reaction

which is why my 15 minute walk to the pharmacy has left me debilitated for the past two days :)

[lifelonghaul]

I keep mindlessly re-arranging my bedroom, cycling through bed orientations every couple months

As if one day I’ll stumble across some secret hidden optimal arrangement

That’d make being stuck here totally tolerable

[lifelonghaul]

If I’m too sick to hold down a fulfilling career, pursue academics, create art, study a craft or devote myself to a cause

What is left to give life meaning?

I’m pretty sure it’s just love

[lifelonghaul]

So much other End of World shits been going on, I fully forgot global warming was still happening

[lifelonghaul]

When the present is so monotonous, and the future so full of dread, all you really have left is the past to dwell on

Theoretically there should be more to the past than just regrets, but it’s all that ever really comes to mind

I know, in abstract, that I did some things well, made good decisions, treated people kindly, held value in the lives of others

I just can’t seem to recall when

[lifelonghaul]

It’s difficult to reconnect or form new connections, my illness had made me a bitter and jealous person

My stomach twists when I see the better lives others are living

Even brief exchanges make me nauseous

It’s a self fulfilling isolation

[lifelonghaul]

This may as well be carved into my mirror for how often I repeat it. Its bordering on self-hypnosis

For me, there’s two meanings

To reach the end and look back satisfied would be the greatest victory

And in the inverse

What a waste it would be to die still miserable

I want to believe it, but I waver often

Most days if you told me to live with this for another decade I’d call you unbelievably cruel

I feel obliged to outlive my mother, and convince her I won’t immediately follow after

But there’s still so much I want out of life. I want to live, I want love, I want community, belonging, I want fulfillment

I want to believe those things are still possible for me