lousy-deconstruction

[lousy-deconstruction]

there's owls in our neighborhood

I heard one at night last week

and then last night me and my partner heard several, hooting away, like they were calling to one another

one was very close, we could tell it was basically across the street (our house backs up to a major road), and then we saw it fly from one light pole to another

I looked up what kinds of owls live in this city and what they sound like, and it looks to be a great horned owl O-O;

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This Lego Bouquet of Roses was released on New Year's Day, and I bought it for my partner. Built it during downtime at work and surprised her with it for her birthday. Her smile was the perfect reward ^.^

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feels

ok truth be told I am feeling kinda heavy after last night. But also... happy? is that weird? for a couple reasons, partly because helping my friend last night felt rather successful, but also - It's raining a bunch today (I live in a desert so that's unusual) and it actually hailed too, and I got pretty excited to see that

lots of feels today

[lousy-deconstruction]

helping a friend

content warning: suicidal ideation

so last night I got home from work and it's been an crazy busy week, after december was also pretty packed. Told my partner that I just wanted to chill and not run any errands, and then my friend messaged me and said he had been suicidal (can I use that word on Tumblr? guess I'll find out) and needed support and a ride home from where he had gone off to a ways up north. I showed my partner the messages and said "I wanted to rest but I have something more important to do" and she said "yes, go" and our roommate heard what was going on and said he wanted to come along as well.

So we go and pick up our friend and talk to him about what he's going through and joke around about stupid shit we've done and try to cheer him up a bit. He was definitely doing better after we got him home and hung out for a bit.

I'm still kind of processing the situation now, which is usually happens whenever I end up talking in depth about my mental health struggles or my trauma. I'm trying to identify some of the emotions I've been feeling, after being able to confidently tell my friend some of the things that helped me and be brutally vulnerable with him about my own past struggles with suicide.

I think I'm honestly a bit surprised with how ready I was to tell him some of the things I did. I knew it might help him and I didn't hesitate, but it also didn't completely wreck me like it might have in the past.

Don't know what else to say about the situation. I'm just glad my friend is okay and that (from what I could tell, anyway) he truly heard and accepted what we had to say, including that we love him and that he's important to us. He & his partner are working on setting him up with therapy as soon as possible and we'll be checking in on him regularly.

[lousy-deconstruction]

I definitely intended to post more here, but you know how it goes

I promise I'm doing okay, I know that first post was a bit of a doozy. I might post a bunch of stuff today that I've been stockpiling in my neurospicy brain so get ready for a dump

[lousy-deconstruction]

I'm sorry for being broken this time of year

I'm sorry for procrastinating due to the constant pain

I'm sorry for hiding it even from myself

I'm sorry for being stuck in my own head

I'm sorry for saying "I love you" and failing to show it

I'm sorry for having so much emotion so easily

I'm sorry for being forgetful because my mental health distracts me

I'm sorry for having so many reasons and excuses

I'm sorry for pulling away, it just fucking hurts