lupinuslilium

[lupinuslilium]

Wolfstar Oneshot! ~ 1.9k words

Modern AU, the marauders are university students on holiday. Background Jegulus (no one knows), pining Sirius, oblivious Remus.

CW: negative self-talk, homophobia, references to physical and emotional abuse.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sirius looked up as Remus closed the door behind him. He swallowed down the sharp retort already crawling it’s way out of his throat, internally chastising himself for his irritation at the concern in his friends eyes.

He sighed and threw his phone to the side, stretching out his limbs. He had been lying on the comfortable guest bed, scrolling mindlessly. He didn’t want to talk, he didn’t even really want to think. Down the hall, his brother was sleeping in the room beside James’— Sirius’ room— he had to keep reminding himself. His room, after he had shown up at the Potters weeks earlier. Regulus slept in his room, bruised in the same way Sirius had been and refusing to talk about it.

He finally looked at Remus who was sat on the edge of the bed, studying him as if he was a complicated bomb he had been sent to diffuse. Sirius supposed it might be true, James certainly wasn’t here attempting this conversation. Not after the argument that had ensued upon Regulus’ arrival. He was embarrassed by the cruel things he had said to James in anger, in anger and panic and misplaced jealousy. He always reacted without thinking, always jumped to the worst conclusion. Then the guilt came and he’d avoid thinking about the apologies he owed. Sirius steeled himself and met Remus’ eyes, eyes that were so annoyingly big and brown and concerned for him. He managed what he thought was a rather diplomatic,

“No, not particularly”

The corner of Remus’ mouth turned up. That fucking crooked smile that made Sirius forget why he was sulking. The smug bastard. He readied himself for another argument, prepared himself for Remus to push him, for him to say everything Sirius didn’t want to hear. Instead Remus said,

“Okay, do you want to watch a film then?”

God Bless Remus Lupin. He nodded and reached down to the floor beside the bed to grab his laptop. Remus batted him on the shoulder to shuffle over and made himself comfortable beside him while Sirius opened Netflix. They fell into an easy silence, broken only by the sounds of Mr. Potter doing the washing up downstairs and a breeze slipping through the cracked window. Sirius scrolled through their movie options.

“Oh I’ve heard this is good, have you seen it?” Sirius asked as his mouse hovered over a thriller.

“That looks absolutely terrible” Remus scowled at the screen

“What! No it doesn’t. Look, it’s got Jake Gyllenhaal, you love him.”

“I do not love Jake Gyllenhaal, why would you think I love Jake Gyllenhaal?”

“You love his big blue eyes.” Sirius smirked to himself.

“Oh yeah, how could I forget. I love his big blue eyes almost as much as I love it when you shut the fuck up and pick a film”

Sirius chuckled. Something that had been coiled tightly in his chest was unfurling, he hadn’t even noticed how stiffly he was holding his shoulders until he was teasing Remus. He replied,

“We’re watching this one because I’m the one in emotional distress and you’ll only want to watch something entirely depressing or The Lord of The Rings and I’m not in the mood”

“Fine” Remus sighed while Sirius clicked play. He stole a glance at that crooked smirk and suddenly became aware of Remus lying on the bed mere inches away, his head angled toward him to see the screen, the soft orange light from the bedside lamp glowing through the mess of brown hair atop the other boys head. He turned his attention firmly back to the screen and they settled into the film, which Sirius conceded wouldn’t win Jake any awards (though he of course didn’t voice this opinion). He was actually feeling quite calm, interested in the film, though distracted by Remus’ ankle sometimes brushing up against his when-

“It’s not your fault you know” Remus said about twenty minutes in.

Sirius hit the space bar with more force than was necessary.

“I thought we had established that I didn’t want to talk about this?”

“We don’t have to talk about it. I’m not even talking to you, just you know, speaking to the room at large.”

“Well, shut up”

“You don’t even have to listen, I actually would prefer if you’d mind your own business. I’m just choosing to say out loud, to anyone who might be interested and would like to know, that what happened to Regulus is no one’s fault but his parents”

Anger flared in Sirius as he turned his head to the left and was met with warm brown eyes. Remus held his stare, unflinching stubbornness written all over his features. Fuck you, Sirius thought, Fuck you for your comically long eyelashes, fuck you for trying to make me feel better, and fuck you for knowing that I’m going to take the bait.

In little more than a whisper and without breaking his stare, Sirius said, “We don’t even know what happened. Because Regulus won’t say, and because I left him there. I knew what they were capable of and I left him there. So yeah, it is my fault, at least partially.”

Remus’ eyes softened a bit and Sirius hated himself. The boy in front of him was all shades of gold. Like the hour before sunset, when everything is so still and warm and heartbreaking that it almost hurts to look at. Remus almost hurt to look at. He was his friend, his best friend, and after James Sirius didn’t think he was allowed any more best friends. Whatever higher power had granted him James Potter, Sirius didn’t know but he had spent everyday since in a perpetual state of gratitude. Then he was granted Remus Lupin and he knew he didn’t deserve him, yet he still looked at him and wanted. He was selfish, impulsive, aloof on his good days and cruel on his bad. Still, James and Remus and all of his friends gave him their patience and empathy and love. Suddenly he felt close to tears.

Before he could turn away, Remus replied, “You had no choice Pads, you know that. He wouldn’t leave with you, and you had to get out of there. You can’t protect him from everything and you can’t make his decisions. He’s safe now and you’re safe now. That’s it. There’s no blame to be ha—“

“Then why did he call James?” The question that had been eating at Sirius all day.

Regulus was his brother. It had always been them surviving in that household, looking out for each other. Looking out for each other even when they stopped really talking to each other. Sirius had always taken the brunt of his parents’ cruelty to protect Regulus, and then when Regulus needed help, when he needed somewhere to go..

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat “Why would he call James and not me? If he doesn’t blame me, why would he call James”

“Sirius…” Remus began but he was too overwhelmed to listen. Regulus was always his to protect, no one else would. It was one of the first things he had learned and though he knew it was irrational, knew that they were adults, that Regulus made his own choices, deep down he still felt that anything that happened to Regulus was because of him. His mother had instilled that in him.

And suddenly he became overwhelmed by the proximity of Remus. By his smell and his stupid eyelashes and his stupid nose and his stupid hoodie that was perfectly soft and somehow too big for the giant fucker and his smart-ass mouth that pissed him off but still somehow always said the right thing. And he was overwhelmed by his mother’s voice in his head telling him that he was a fuckup and an idiot. Telling him he was disgusting, telling him to stop acting so fucking gay. The words choked him and the scars on his body reminded him that everything was his fault. His fucking fault. It was his fault that Regulus had been there on his own. His fault that his family hated him so completely. His fault that he woke up everyday and wanted his best friend in a way that wasn’t fair.

He sat up as the tears started spilling down his cheeks and his breathing became difficult. He hid his face in his hands. The only person who had ever seen Sirius cry was James but in that moment the only thing he could do was cry. So he cried, he cried in relief that his brother was safe and in anguish that he hadn’t been there to take the force of his mother’s rage. He cried because he knew if he had stayed he wouldn’t have survived. He felt a large hand on his back and for maybe the first time, didn’t feel embarrassed to be crying. Remus’ presence was warm and steady, patient and completely disarming. He started to catch his breath and heard Remus say quietly,

“I don’t know why he called James, I honestly don’t. But I’m glad that he called anyone, and once he’s more settled you guys can start sorting all this out. You’re a good brother Sirius, anyone can see that you’d go to war for the kid. Just don’t be so hard on yourself, and try not to be so hard on James, okay? You know how he loves being the hero, he probably called Regulus himself”

Sirius huffed a laugh, “Fuck, I owe a lot of apologies don’t I?” His voice was still slightly muffled by the sleeves of his hoodie.

“Yeah, you do.” Remus continued, “but fortunately James is a very forgiving hero” Sirius laughed quietly again and wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve. He finally lifted his head and turned to look back at Remus.

“Oh, fuck you” Remus said and rolled his eyes.

“What??”

“Of course you’d still look pretty right after crying your eyes out.”

Sirius barked out a loud laugh

“Aw, Moony, you think I’m pretty?” Remus pushed his shoulder away, “you always know exactly how to make me feel better.” He reached for his water bottle on the bedside table, still snickering.

“Do you?” Remus’ voice wasn’t teasing.

“Do I what?”

“Feel better?” There was such earnestness in Remus’ gaze.

“Yeah, I do” Sirius leaned back on the pillow, turning to face Remus “do you still want to watch the movie?”

Remus smiled “Yeah, go on. I do actually love his big blue eyes”

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This website is full of summer haters and autumn truthers

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sirius trying to convince himself that his attraction to remus is completely normal bc he likes the weirdest things about him. he loves watching the way his throat moves when he's drinking water, but everybody has throats so that can't be romantic. and wow moony has really nice hands, big, rough hands that sometimes sirius imagines how they'd feel against his skin or wrapped around his waist, but also, once in first year he thought about how long and thin mcgonagall's hands are too so whatever. and yes, maybe sirius notices the way his nose gets freckles during the summer or how his canines are sharp and the left one is slightly crooked in the most lovely way, but that doesn't mean anything. it's a tooth, for christ's sake. there's nothing romantic about it. he certainly doesn't notice the teeth of the people he dates. it's just familiarity, they're close friends and sometimes sirius notices things about his mouth. and his throat. and his hands. and his nose. and his entire face actually, which btw is really nice. but again, no biggie.

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dune part two plot summary

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I like Dune: Part 2 PRINTS

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*vibrating at a frequency that could shatter glass* lunarry....

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real

honestly this tinder fling is just a microcosm test for me to stand on business as the kids say and practice ending things that aren't right for me (and therefore not right for the other person either) instead of letting things drag on out of guilt/obligation/attachment/etc. like bitch you can't be afraid to face the temporary pain of ending attachments at the expense of your own happiness for the rest of your life...

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Princess of Dragonstone

by zacckiell on twitter

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I am so tired of these skin cowboy hats. It is doing -5 psychological damage every time I see it. Please.

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"youd do numbers on tumblr" girl i am on tumblr and the numbers? 4

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Luna Lovegood writes to Newt about the magical animals be left out of his book.

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More than anything else, I need to be lost in my stories

[lupinuslilium]

Wolfstar Oneshot! ~ 1.9k words

Modern AU, the marauders are university students on holiday. Background Jegulus (no one knows), pining Sirius, oblivious Remus.

CW: negative self-talk, homophobia, references to physical and emotional abuse.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sirius looked up as Remus closed the door behind him. He swallowed down the sharp retort already crawling it’s way out of his throat, internally chastising himself for his irritation at the concern in his friends eyes.

He sighed and threw his phone to the side, stretching out his limbs. He had been lying on the comfortable guest bed, scrolling mindlessly. He didn’t want to talk, he didn’t even really want to think. Down the hall, his brother was sleeping in the room beside James’— Sirius’ room— he had to keep reminding himself. His room, after he had shown up at the Potters weeks earlier. Regulus slept in his room, bruised in the same way Sirius had been and refusing to talk about it.

He finally looked at Remus who was sat on the edge of the bed, studying him as if he was a complicated bomb he had been sent to diffuse. Sirius supposed it might be true, James certainly wasn’t here attempting this conversation. Not after the argument that had ensued upon Regulus’ arrival. He was embarrassed by the cruel things he had said to James in anger, in anger and panic and misplaced jealousy. He always reacted without thinking, always jumped to the worst conclusion. Then the guilt came and he’d avoid thinking about the apologies he owed. Sirius steeled himself and met Remus’ eyes, eyes that were so annoyingly big and brown and concerned for him. He managed what he thought was a rather diplomatic,

“No, not particularly”

The corner of Remus’ mouth turned up. That fucking crooked smile that made Sirius forget why he was sulking. The smug bastard. He readied himself for another argument, prepared himself for Remus to push him, for him to say everything Sirius didn’t want to hear. Instead Remus said,

“Okay, do you want to watch a film then?”

God Bless Remus Lupin. He nodded and reached down to the floor beside the bed to grab his laptop. Remus batted him on the shoulder to shuffle over and made himself comfortable beside him while Sirius opened Netflix. They fell into an easy silence, broken only by the sounds of Mr. Potter doing the washing up downstairs and a breeze slipping through the cracked window. Sirius scrolled through their movie options.

“Oh I’ve heard this is good, have you seen it?” Sirius asked as his mouse hovered over a thriller.

“That looks absolutely terrible” Remus scowled at the screen

“What! No it doesn’t. Look, it’s got Jake Gyllenhaal, you love him.”

“I do not love Jake Gyllenhaal, why would you think I love Jake Gyllenhaal?”

“You love his big blue eyes.” Sirius smirked to himself.

“Oh yeah, how could I forget. I love his big blue eyes almost as much as I love it when you shut the fuck up and pick a film”

Sirius chuckled. Something that had been coiled tightly in his chest was unfurling, he hadn’t even noticed how stiffly he was holding his shoulders until he was teasing Remus. He replied,

“We’re watching this one because I’m the one in emotional distress and you’ll only want to watch something entirely depressing or The Lord of The Rings and I’m not in the mood”

“Fine” Remus sighed while Sirius clicked play. He stole a glance at that crooked smirk and suddenly became aware of Remus lying on the bed mere inches away, his head angled toward him to see the screen, the soft orange light from the bedside lamp glowing through the mess of brown hair atop the other boys head. He turned his attention firmly back to the screen and they settled into the film, which Sirius conceded wouldn’t win Jake any awards (though he of course didn’t voice this opinion). He was actually feeling quite calm, interested in the film, though distracted by Remus’ ankle sometimes brushing up against his when-

“It’s not your fault you know” Remus said about twenty minutes in.

Sirius hit the space bar with more force than was necessary.

“I thought we had established that I didn’t want to talk about this?”

“We don’t have to talk about it. I’m not even talking to you, just you know, speaking to the room at large.”

“Well, shut up”

“You don’t even have to listen, I actually would prefer if you’d mind your own business. I’m just choosing to say out loud, to anyone who might be interested and would like to know, that what happened to Regulus is no one’s fault but his parents”

Anger flared in Sirius as he turned his head to the left and was met with warm brown eyes. Remus held his stare, unflinching stubbornness written all over his features. Fuck you, Sirius thought, Fuck you for your comically long eyelashes, fuck you for trying to make me feel better, and fuck you for knowing that I’m going to take the bait.

In little more than a whisper and without breaking his stare, Sirius said, “We don’t even know what happened. Because Regulus won’t say, and because I left him there. I knew what they were capable of and I left him there. So yeah, it is my fault, at least partially.”

Remus’ eyes softened a bit and Sirius hated himself. The boy in front of him was all shades of gold. Like the hour before sunset, when everything is so still and warm and heartbreaking that it almost hurts to look at. Remus almost hurt to look at. He was his friend, his best friend, and after James Sirius didn’t think he was allowed any more best friends. Whatever higher power had granted him James Potter, Sirius didn’t know but he had spent everyday since in a perpetual state of gratitude. Then he was granted Remus Lupin and he knew he didn’t deserve him, yet he still looked at him and wanted. He was selfish, impulsive, aloof on his good days and cruel on his bad. Still, James and Remus and all of his friends gave him their patience and empathy and love. Suddenly he felt close to tears.

Before he could turn away, Remus replied, “You had no choice Pads, you know that. He wouldn’t leave with you, and you had to get out of there. You can’t protect him from everything and you can’t make his decisions. He’s safe now and you’re safe now. That’s it. There’s no blame to be ha—“

“Then why did he call James?” The question that had been eating at Sirius all day.

Regulus was his brother. It had always been them surviving in that household, looking out for each other. Looking out for each other even when they stopped really talking to each other. Sirius had always taken the brunt of his parents’ cruelty to protect Regulus, and then when Regulus needed help, when he needed somewhere to go..

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat “Why would he call James and not me? If he doesn’t blame me, why would he call James”

“Sirius…” Remus began but he was too overwhelmed to listen. Regulus was always his to protect, no one else would. It was one of the first things he had learned and though he knew it was irrational, knew that they were adults, that Regulus made his own choices, deep down he still felt that anything that happened to Regulus was because of him. His mother had instilled that in him.

And suddenly he became overwhelmed by the proximity of Remus. By his smell and his stupid eyelashes and his stupid nose and his stupid hoodie that was perfectly soft and somehow too big for the giant fucker and his smart-ass mouth that pissed him off but still somehow always said the right thing. And he was overwhelmed by his mother’s voice in his head telling him that he was a fuckup and an idiot. Telling him he was disgusting, telling him to stop acting so fucking gay. The words choked him and the scars on his body reminded him that everything was his fault. His fucking fault. It was his fault that Regulus had been there on his own. His fault that his family hated him so completely. His fault that he woke up everyday and wanted his best friend in a way that wasn’t fair.

He sat up as the tears started spilling down his cheeks and his breathing became difficult. He hid his face in his hands. The only person who had ever seen Sirius cry was James but in that moment the only thing he could do was cry. So he cried, he cried in relief that his brother was safe and in anguish that he hadn’t been there to take the force of his mother’s rage. He cried because he knew if he had stayed he wouldn’t have survived. He felt a large hand on his back and for maybe the first time, didn’t feel embarrassed to be crying. Remus’ presence was warm and steady, patient and completely disarming. He started to catch his breath and heard Remus say quietly,

“I don’t know why he called James, I honestly don’t. But I’m glad that he called anyone, and once he’s more settled you guys can start sorting all this out. You’re a good brother Sirius, anyone can see that you’d go to war for the kid. Just don’t be so hard on yourself, and try not to be so hard on James, okay? You know how he loves being the hero, he probably called Regulus himself”

Sirius huffed a laugh, “Fuck, I owe a lot of apologies don’t I?” His voice was still slightly muffled by the sleeves of his hoodie.

“Yeah, you do.” Remus continued, “but fortunately James is a very forgiving hero” Sirius laughed quietly again and wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve. He finally lifted his head and turned to look back at Remus.

“Oh, fuck you” Remus said and rolled his eyes.

“What??”

“Of course you’d still look pretty right after crying your eyes out.”

Sirius barked out a loud laugh

“Aw, Moony, you think I’m pretty?” Remus pushed his shoulder away, “you always know exactly how to make me feel better.” He reached for his water bottle on the bedside table, still snickering.

“Do you?” Remus’ voice wasn’t teasing.

“Do I what?”

“Feel better?” There was such earnestness in Remus’ gaze.

“Yeah, I do” Sirius leaned back on the pillow, turning to face Remus “do you still want to watch the movie?”

Remus smiled “Yeah, go on. I do actually love his big blue eyes”

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Remus “I can take care of myself just fine” Lupin and Sirius “no :)” Black

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time heals a whole lot and today is better than two years ago

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Queen Helaena Targaryen

Commission for @DaTeamGreen on twitter