m-ac-m

[m-ac-m]

1.

I keep writing, rewriting, re-editing. Thinking, rethinking, adjusting. Even now. Even today. Even tomorrow. Just as I shrink beneath your sight.

One step forward, two steps - where? I'm lost in following the path, I'm afraid. One look behind - how am I here? Why did my _mappins_ (oi, gamedev people) disappear?

All this time, frozen, in my pre-produced smile. Please, please world - stop spinning. Just stop spinning for a while.

I try to silence her, I do. To make her traces disappear. But she insists on coming through. She won't go quietly, I fear.

Now there's You - waiting - for my sanity to come. For my mask that hooked you in, one I try to overcome.

For my cool, sardonic smile. For my well-timed lifted brow. For all my words, thinly-veiled affection, masquerading as sarcasm, humor and deflection.

(Just so I don't scare you away with this. Lucky you. I wish I had an editor to shield me from myself too.)

All my insecurities - edited - cut - clean correction, right into the required adult, stoic perfection.

Here, I unravel. The previous form is gone. My thoughts? Left free to travel. My soul laid bare below.

I'd love to be a child once more, just trying, tasting words out loud. Testing the waters before I plunge in, to find out: Am I insane? Or am I really bright? Should I jump back in, just once more? Risk my pride? For the visions that feed my heart, my soul, my core? But then - where on earth do I hide? Am I "me" anymore?

Please, please go quietly. You - get - to close your eyes. And I'll just keep on living with the part of me that dies.

I look inside and question, ask:

is "what it takes" within, in fact? Or was it all just play-pretend? Has it all been my clever act?

Questions thrown - into the little black hole of my own.

The young-me feels like a time wasted, lost. Emotionally dead, unresponsive ghost. Did the "now" demand it? The emptiness? The cost? When in the end - I - am the one we both needed most?

I do not know what alt-future could bring. But hey - for what I have, right now - I'll give up anything.

Still, I'd hate to let her slip away - hate to watch her die. Hate to break her heart - AND mine. With all her pain and all my fear - together, we can persevere.

And then, there's this - she's still inside. The past self I'm growing out of - my pain, my shame, my pride. New branches feeding off her broken, feeble roots. Her dreams, her beliefs, her wants - hardening into absolutes.

She won't go quietly. Won't let me bury her inside. And that is good - she knows best. She's the better part of mine.

2.

Rejection - with teeth

Oh dear Lord. Give it to me, please.

I want your god-like bite in me. I want myself to disappear.

I want you - your teeth to sink right in. and me - myself - my faults - no longer here.

Give me this break. Please, love. It spins too much. Even if I find pauses like the one here, as such.

(man, I'm such a fucking catch.) If it hurts

on my terms

Does it hurt as much?

3.

Well, I guess, you're not gone. Or pissed. Or thrown. Or even just checked out

look, love. Me? I'm - Am I? God, dear Am I now found out?

I think, I shrink, I cry - I die? Has it just been all you - all the while?

No- I've been crazy way longer than this. Way longer than you. What have you missed? The past- it will have to sit - sit quietly with that.

But you - the part of which I'm so, so proud. So please. Please let me in. Straight in, today - right through the crowd.

And yet. Somehow, someway I know - fear? - that's how you'll go away.

Or stay? And then, oh dear, oh God, - then pay? To let this live without a loss. A final one. Cut clean - straigh across. I'll have to pay. I will. Cover the cost.

But hey, dear. I'll surely test this still. To break things while I can - until - Until you see me in the clear And ask - "hey, there are you mental, dear?"

Before I figure myself out. Before I kill the in-brain crowd.

And please, dear love - stay with me still. The "life", the "real" - I'll get the bill. And then, in shame - see myself out? I'm sorry - where? here? You had to find out.

Then - then I do not have words. No, never. I just lie there - waiting to close my eyes forever.

But here - right here - here I can rest. On your beloved - Your - beloved chest.

Then, please let your heartbeat say- You're free. You're full. You're safe. And hey love - that is what fixes me of late.

But now - back to you, if I may. Darling. Love. Boyfriend? Yeah? Alright? Ok? Please - pardon my intensity. I've only ever dealt with this in real low-human density.

Estonia-level. Please, please hold on there. Hold on there forever. Please - if only, this doesn't just burn.

All in all - I don't know how I got in here. I'd rather be with you. Just resting, empty-headed brain, Left to humm - not scream - just safe. So safe there, saved from all my pain.

Again. We meet in the clear. My dear.

But for these - Me-filled, putrid, honest breaks. For all that aches. You need to train. So I won't break you - won't break you ever again.

Then the goth-ier self in me, the one that wants to die -

-No.-

No, never with you. No, never with you in sight.

I'll shield you from this image - love, if I only might. And then please - you just hold me. Please, please hold me tight.

Love, even if it's true. And even if I'm right. And even if it's new. Love please - still hold me tight.

How I got here? I don't know.

My feet don't follow where I go. Let's see - see where my dice is thrown.

But I do want this. A reflection in his eyes. These eyes of his. Let me break it down - break down all of this. (I'm broken enough to reject food and sleep

- but in fact still well enough to see us - as I weep.)

We're both - both green-eyed monsters. But God. So different in the end. Don't know why you would love me. I can't even pretend.

You see me in my scariest phase. Face away. So lord, god, please - so it won't stay. Right there, in here, - in your brain Or even worse, love - in you heart.

One thing that could break us apart. . But I'm still here - all my awful parts. The parts that hurt - "the parts in arts".

Here - please, please - love - now you come through. Just do. I need your voice, your presence - you.

Ah. Yes. You. Much more than elsewhere, More then you've ever been, love. Been what then? Where? What of?

To let myself feel different. More adult. So I stop going in - stop joining the cult.

A version smoother, easier, simpler - and intact. But that love, my dear? Heh. That was just an act.

I'm so sorry, reader. If you were waiting for a breather. Not that, not a break - not end. None coming neither.

It asked me - begged me. To refrain. To find a better way through pain.

But how? My love, my pain, my pride. Do I just simply watch you die?

And here? Here we are so near. And my problems - dear God. Finally in the clear.

With a different one, much more random and deeply, deeply lost Handsome, random and lost? Give me that right there. (at what cost?)

(Then - who am I kidding. I really don't care. Problem is - fuck it. I love you more - and then I dare - Dare to challenge, to fight, no flight. Challenge them, challenge all that's in sight. Never ask again who's right. And then? We go. Then we _both_ bite. Bite into the future that's written for me. Blind to the truth that's hidden within.)

You've sunk too deep in me - my heart, my bones, my core. Also through this - this content - this message I bore. So please, love, try to understand - why my soul is sore.

This will never disappear. If there's a part of us still here.

It feels so sad. Trying, panicking. To edit the crazy out.

It's mad. But then, I'm glad.

Glad that I'm curating this. Throughout. Through all my pain and tears. Glad that all my thoughts are now neat and clean. But all the crazy is still here- All capped and wrapped. But then, my dear, still me

I didn't disappear.

Still, then, I'm dying, love, I am afraid. As I see myself, unseen. But as you see me see myself out. You did it! You figured me out!

But I need strength. Your help. Your aid.

I'm dying in my quiet self.

I'm dying in the crowd.

And God, just once. I hope you're proud.

I said your name there. Said you name out loud.

4.

But, love, is it good? Is the voice worth hearing? I - my soul - my core - my whole- All it ever could be? All there of me, there - in it? Stupidly endearing? Love, or just -

Hear me out, dear.

Dramatically fearing?

Is the message -in your clear, dear. open ears- Clarifying? Open? Clearing? Or eaten by fears?

And its core - core - the truth I try to grant you. Not perform.

But then, truely - feeling No, it's not vanity. Know this. Or power, or control.

God, please. Please, let me out of this.

This ever eating hole.

Don't let me be the end of his. When all I want is -

Ha!

God, all I want is him in this. In all my pain and all my fear, But, please. Don't let this die- don't let him near.

Words spill and flow. Some place, some space. With grace, tho, no chase. Away they go.

And I still pray. For you to stay. (and please, don't throw my thoughts away.) For him - to never disappear. To rest my head and hold him near.

I had a perfect phrase to close. Cool, calm, collected - just that, one of those.

That terminator broke - confined, then cried and died. But then, to be fair - did he put up a fight? Or even try? Well, he just still might.

I eyed him down and watched him break. (Just as my heart is still in ache. For when I look down, love, down here - why did your hands just disappear?)

A worthy opponent there, though, all in all. Now - smile, win, own it, this thing as a whole.

Words won't end this here for us. Just couldn't break my heart of glass. Wouldn't let me free of all my pain These pointless things I feel. Please stop. Learn some restraint.

But words are spilling on their own. How? I swear, I do not know. The "Her" - she must have sadly grown. Into a scary force in here. A fearless presence of her own.

And in her power, With her sharp, poetic spear. Do I cower? Die? Or just disappear?

To kill her - the inner voice tempts me to go there. But I know I don't want to close that. I'm just getting to know her. To see where we're at.

5.

I hate this feeling of remorse.

When I tell him.

Throw him off - show him. Hey - I'm here. I'm even worse.

(Where, again, dear? Where is now our course? - in here?)

Worse than whatever has - so far - transpired. Worse than what I whispered - but, love, I was so tired. Worse than what you saw in me - my frame, my pain, and - why was I desired?

She lingers in the back. With notes. And god. A better rack. And quotes.

She knows me well

I couldn't tell how deep she goes how much she knows.

But then - I love you more than her. I had to let this slip in there.

She won't go quietly. Ha! Not at all, I fear. But by now it's us.

Fearfully, painfully, alas…

(I'd add a comment here, for me. but dear, it's just so crass, I fear where would the right place be in here For a comment - God - comment about an ass. So, instead, a proud _alas_.)

So let's just savor, feel this moment, Let's not just let it "be". Let us watch it go free, there - uncuffed. In our first try - I fear we got the shaft.

Now. It's me and her. (And you?) Our little hell. (For two?) Are we a pair? (We are - I swear) It's hard to tell. (Nah - easy. We're swell.)

Here, watch her go. Watch her in our fire. We won't burn with her.

Now. Brain please. Please. I am so, so tired. Let's end this dance. Our deadly stance. Let love and peace and silence there. Inside? Where I have no room, no room to hide. Come, please - please all of you- come in. Peace, love and silence- let us all commence - embrace and face ourselves within.

You're gone now. Thanks. The silence? Bangs. Gone. Disappeared. All turned off now. Fired? If not - then still, away, away you go. Please go, dear? Right away love? Get fucking rewired.

I twirl into this masquerade thing of asking - pleading - masking. And pleading. Or silently leading?

And in this effort - searching, still. It's taxing. and man I'd love, I'd love to kill.

(not actually - to clear things up.

it's just a saying that we've got)

And through my chaos (that's what's cutting through) Am I bleeding? Am I ill? Or am I just right back here? With you? Am I coming to?

All set up here - not to fail. And there, I guess - that's my refrain.

Again, in pain. Dear lord. Not again. In pain I re-register all my thoughts to see them. Better. Simpler. Brighter.

For lack of better words - just - righter.

Just not to be made. And my love? - it's great

You - just let me keep this costume on, dear

-Then still. Don't let the mask yet disappear. Don't see me bare. I love you, dear. I'm more than her. I need you here.

And if you care. Please, hold me still.

6.

K. I asked for rhymes for "funny". What I got in return?

You catch your breath there. Your breath is needed, I swear. You hold this close. Hold – and try to cherish her.

Then wait your turn. Then go – Go! – fire and burn.

Give me – us – a solid run. Go on dear. Go on – for us, for me – my Lord.

Then make us race. And what against? There’s so much pain in me to face.

But still, give it to me. A quick run for my money. As if you hate me. My love, my dear. My “unfunny.”

(Um, like someone pays me for these bursts of soul and heart, and pain. When you – all of you – just wanted me to be plain.

That - try to explain.)

But then, back to the topic. What I got in return? What rhymes with "funny"?

“unfunny” Kay. That trip was idiotic.

That input – indeed, for me tho, has been great. Let’s hope it doesn’t eat away the _nothing_ I ate.

7.

I think it's a meltdown that I'm going through. but ping me, call me - for my curtsy cue.

It's the one that thrills. Or kills. But somehow ills?

I know it's this or that or that. Intermission? God. Then revulsion? Regret?

I pause. I revel in my flaws.

Me - I just don't want to say goodbye. To this freedom or this cage. In verse - a sigh - a fully written page. I live, I cry, I laugh, I die. In here - my cage - I want to age. God, please, step away - I have to try.

(Oi, Hemingway, the pain? - I see you. Hopefully just in the rear view mirror. Hopefully yesterday - so still, we can fix me? Hopefully never - but what would my fix be??)

Hopefully - Dear - I will correct this. In pain - and in growth. I know I can make it. Not to follow this path. Not faithfully. Not his. In all the cost and penance that I owe. And all the paths that let me -made me- grow. What made me write this. Put forward my oath. So I can live through this - live this for us both.

As for our bodies - our dreams - just put on a cloth.

(yes, the sex cloth. That's what I'm speaking of. To let us slip away, my love. Answer the call. Into my darkness - Ernest, let's safely go.)

The words just come here on their own. I try to stop them. They won't go.

I was happy. I cooked, I cleaned. And in that, God, in that still, still, I live.

But what if I've built a heaven, just for me. To let my faults, my hopes, my pain - just disappear?

Still. Still. Please hold me through. As I reach- grasp - for this glass of truth.

Here love - I'll swallow my pride. My dear, if you'd be so kind. I'll push through for strength, for truth. For light. Please love - search for me - search for me alive.

8.

Is it ok then? To force him into being my haven?

Or - come on, second me - morally hazy? Cause him? I know. He'll show up. He'll happily meet my crazy.

He'll carry with me all my crap. Am I leading him into a trap?

(And Lord - and love - am I still up? Or did I slip into a dream. Where I'll be trapped. For this. For him.)

69.

I need to rest. Head on your chest. But how? And - now?

How do I crawl back out of this? From hell - how can I get to bliss? How do I wake up - true love's kiss? But dear, it's dark. What if you miss?

(Yes, I hear you. With every bullet so far. In clever comments, you're my star.)

I might be too broken, I fear. To finally meet him there in the clear. To meet you somewhere near, my dear.

Near - where - what - sanity? (Ha! - well - hello there, dear reality. A nice thought fed by our vanity. Let's not lose sight though - let us keep the clarity.

So right - clean health is off the table. Since I've burned down my broken cradle. But hey, love, we're better now, chin up. (And please, please Marysia - try to clean up.)

So back to the core. We left it behind somewhere before.

Right - landing near. Before you truly disappear.

Near the closest I can get. Near the point I stop to fret. Near my world with no regret.

Near the stop I chose for us. Near the moment where I trust?

But then, near you - it would be just fine. A spot that's you - a spot that's kind. _Lucky, lucky you._ You haven - heaven? - of mine.

10.

it feels like I rip myself apart (a liver token - eagle guard)

To bring you mess. It's funny - -painful, crucial, - to confess.

I shrink - curtain, please, applause. There's less of me now. So I could leave. So I could breathe. So I could learn to love - and how.

Get eaten, dear. Until I'm near.

11.

The wait is done. The weight is gone! Have you been waiting for too long?

He's proud of me. I'm proud of him.

(Why did I have to get so thin?)

It's not on him, of course. It's me - my brain, my stain. My choice. My soul, my fear - and God - its

force. and all this pain. and no remorse.

I've lost so much weight. For that - I made him wait.

(and here? Ha, he has made it known. He did not like that week at all. That week without me, on his own.)

I thought it'd be great. To cut it - cut off all I ever ate. But now? What's left through what I chose? A shadow. - Smile! - A bag of bones. An army of my dying clones.

The tears I ate. The noise, too great. A broken, feeble, dying fate.

And so much hate.

The hate I felt - First - for myself. Then - for the world. Then for the coldness in my cord.

Then for my verse. Still, too intense. Now - for my starving universe.

Finally, hate for being so seen. For being more open than I've ever been. For losing the will to keep my image clean.

But see? Hear these words? It's never him.

*wanted to end on a more innocent thought but then life happened

gotta share this too

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Just there, purest me.