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About to relapse so fucking hard rn i stg

I will never fucking know inner peace or healing when i keep getting my scabs ripped open at every opportunity

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How foolish of me to think I had a place anywhere. How dumb of me to think that I wouldn't ruin everything here too. I ruin everything I touch. I always have. It's never gonna change. No matter how hard I try ro change I will always end up destroying everything that comes near me.

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I'm gonna start planning my suicide

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God the garbage I want to just scream on main. The filth I want to vomit out of me and pray that people see. I can't. I will scare them. They won't stay. I want to sabotage myself. I want to isolate myself. I know I don't want to but I do.

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You know, when they tell you to be kinder to yourself when you're coping with your mental illnesses and the symptoms, they conveniently forget to mention that once you've started forgiving yourself for your minor flaws and not self-flagellating yourself for the slip-ups you have the people around you will take up the reigns of making you feel like shit instead.

Why do I have to be actively abusing myself for people to offer me patience and understanding? Why do I have to be punished for things I can't control, whether by myself or by others?

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How do I explain to someone that I'm having a hard time knowing what they mean when they ask me if there's anything they do (not *can* do, i already double checked for clarification) to help me when right before saying so they talk about the help they already gave without me realizing as an inconvenience and something they won't do anymore? As though I was expecting it of them even though they were doing it without telling me? And then telling me that it's been a burden to them?

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Personal vent underneath the cut, pls don't reblog.

I completely despise the fact that I am the way I am. I keep falling for promises from people who tell me I'm safe with them just to not be. It's my fault. I don't try hard enough to root them out before I get too invested. Why did I bother leaving my old situation. At least I knew I could expect to be treated like garbage there, instead of feel like I'm the letdown because I have to earn the promise of safety by jumping through all these invisible hoops I just can't clear. I won't ever be safe. I won't ever be happy.

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Fuck this one hits home.

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New more mature way of dealing with being bad at things I thought i would be good at

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tw: mild breakdown, toxic mom, SH mention

"i dont always feel like i am a bad mother to you but you have a talent for making me feel like one"

later i ask her of she remembers what she'd said and she softens the blow to herself, "sometimes i wonder-" she says, before i tell her "that is absolutely not what you said" and she tells me "well, you keep believing that"

i am trying to help her move. shes getting kicked out of her apartment. she has nobody left to help her. except me. and she thanks me by chipping away my mental veneer and driving me to a breakdown afterwards she says these things. she continues to take no accountability. she continues to shift shame onto me. she continues to ignore my words and brush me off.

im stuck here trying to keep her from being homeless and shes taken this as an opportunity to continue abusing me like she used to.

at her most desperate she chooses to destroy the last person in her life willing to help her

i haven't felt this tortured since i was in high school living with her. i haven't felt more desperate to relapse and hurt myself in years.

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Anyway

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team “my parents didn’t exactly kick me out or starve me but they sure held every bit of it over my head and made sure I knew how they could do it at any second, at the same time drilling in my head how any care I receive translates into this huge debt that I will never be enough to repay and none of it felt like I was a part of a family”

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tw: self harm ideation

i feel like im gonna relapse on cutting again and i dont know if i really want to stop myself. i dont really know what the point of not doing it would be anymore. i can cut where nobody can see and ask questions. if im gonna be treated like a villain i may as well punish myself like one.

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depression vent, ignore pls (emotional guilt, self doubt, self-consciousness)

i just feel like i always ruin the best things i have. its so silly. every time i think im doing better i just, do or say something only to realize too late that maybe i was wrong or maybe i was being inappropriate. i feel like i can't trust my emotions and i feel regret for speaking them. i keep falling into this pattern, like i open up and i go too far and suddenly folks are on eggshells around me. it keeps happening no matter how i try to change what i do. i hate this feeling, that im a burden on everyone else. like everyone would be more relaxed and happier had i not become so involved, or had they not put their faith in me. i dont know how to stop letting people down, or how to stop feeling like i do. i feel like i need to apologize but how would i even do that? either my concerns would be validated (that ive been bringing everyone down) or i would be summoning even more eggshells by addressing a problem nobody else sees. the worst is feeling like the people i care about think my weakness is their responsibility, that i consider their trust a burden. the worst is the thought of being wrong and leading others astray because they trusted me. all i want is to be good, be reliable. but sometimes im not even sure if the ability lies within me