mackadesiac

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Anxiety and Finances

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The first time I realized that my general anxiety disorder may be impacting my spending habits was when I was in the middle of PetSmart, nearly in tears, because I was afraid I wasn’t spending enough money on my cat for his birthday.

I have a very cute cat. He is very sweet, very social, and very indifferent on the majority of toys he gets. He has two favorites, and that’s about it. I ended up blowing my fleeting budget on a cat tree (which he already had). He never touched it, and I ended up giving it away.

The next year, I briefly dated a coach from the gym. When we matched on Bumble, I convinced myself I needed to go to Old Navy to get a new workout top that was cute, and flirty, which would seal the date.

If did not. After two dates, he ghosted me and is now in love with a woman who is far more fit than me, but with the same first name. That does wonders for my self-esteem.

Writing these instances out feels juvenile. It feels silly to panic over a date, or a cat’s birthday, or the idea that my apartment wasn’t “fall enough”, leading to a binge shopping spree. It didn’t feel silly at the moment. It felt overwhelming. I still remember the panicked feeling in my chest, the single obsession I had, the rapid heart, the trick my mind did, which was assuring me that the second I made these purchases, Larry (the term I give my anxiety), would simply vanish.

I’ve been reading “Bad with Money”, a book by Gabby Dunn about finances. This was the first financial book, where mental health was addressed, and I didn’t feel like absolute shit at the end of reading it. Typically, every book I read or financial advice I get, revolves around “Be better.”

Here’s the truth: For those of us who are not neurotypical, “being better” is not as easy as you think.

I was in a denial for a long time that my mental health was impacting my financial behavior. I would do something impulsive and then feel devastated that I was a terrible, unworthy human being, spend some time in bed, crying and watching YouTube videos, telling myself “I AM GOING TO CHANGE”, then falling back into a terrible cycle.

For those of you who are reading this and thinking “You entitled millennial, saving money isn’t that hard, you’re just lazy”, let me tell you what an anxiety disorder feels like. 

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Something slightly unexpected happens, or a major work type thing is approaching (e.g., academic conferences, deadlines, a date). I start to think about it. I start to have graphic dreams about something going wrong during said event, usually involving blood, death, or something worse. My stomach starts to turn into knots. My heart rate starts to rise. It feels like I’m about to die or lose control. My head sometimes gets light. I get dizzy. I start to focus singularly on one thing that will “Fix this.” Typically it means purchasing something that may help, or at least something that will make me think I’m ready. I buy that thing, and I get a tempory relief.

It is not fun. It is not “all in my head. There are somatic symptoms. And it hurts my finances in ways I only realized recently. If you struggle with this, or mental health and managing finances here are a couple of things I want to say:

You are not a bad person for your finances. Likewise, if you have a ton of money, you are not automatically a good person. Money does not indicate self-worth.

Practice grounding. Whenever I get an anxiety attack, I have a list of things I try to focus on. I review all of the names of the Harry Potter books, the Horcruxes, where they were hidden, who killed them, etc. etc. Sometimes I even text my friends and say “I’m having an anxiety attack. Text me Harry Potter trivia.” It works. Pick something you know a lot about, or focus on reciting all the states you can.

See a therapist. I love therapy. I think it’s great.  I get to tell someone all about myself and they are forced to give me insightful information. It’s everything I have ever wanted.

Keep a list of self-care activities that are free with you. I have one in my Bullet Journal, broken down by category. If I spend ten minutes playing guitar, even if it takes every fiber of my being, I tend to feel better, and the anxiety lessens.

Understand the system is set up to fail you. You are not a failure, especially in graduate school, for not having a lot of money. I am insanely privileged to have parents to help me out when I get in a tough spot, and I understand not everyone has that ability. It’s hard for the average person to escape the consumerism culture. It’s even harder when you have mental health issues, and everyone is selling you on devices, and hair care in the name of “self-care.” If you end up spending some money or falling victim to that, it’s ok. You’re not a failure-the system is failing you. Look forward, not backward.

Forgive yourself once in a while. When I started being kinder to myself, I notice I stopped having as many spending sprees, and I’m better at controlling myself.

Talk to everyone. Ask your professors how they made it through grad school. I recently started asking my grad school friends how they manage their money, and it’s helpful. I know I’m not alone, and I occasionally get tips. When my professors mention budgets, I ask them how they keep track of them, and they’re helpful.

Avoid the people who make you feel bad. Graduate students aren’t always the most chill, down to earth people. Some people come into programs with a lot of money, and hearing them talk about blowing money on things I couldn’t dream of, or their ability to jet off when they want, makes me feel like I’m a failure. Other people will convince you that since you are not doing exactly what they are, you’re a failure. The older I get, the better I am at avoiding those people and cutting them out of my life.

Find the resources that work for you. Reading Bad with Money has helped me with the shame of my finances. The podcast was where I started. Also, You Need A Budget, has been the most helpful app in terms of understanding budgeting. It’s free for students for a year I believe, and they have some great information that doesn’t focus on shaming you. Dave Ramsey never did it to me-I just felt ashamed that I couldn’t add a pizza delivery job to my already full schedule. Plus I’m a left-leaning, brown, bisexual woman, and I couldn’t help believing that I was his target audience (this may not be true, but it’s a feeling I got).

Focus on positive feelings. I used to try and shame myself out of spending money, which didn’t end up working. I would focus on the guilt, which would just flip me into “I am so anxious that I need to spend 12 hours in bed to avoid the world.” I’ve been trying to think “If I save money, I can buy my parents something ice” or “This ten dollars can be spent on a vacation/tattoo rather than coffee.” Instead of shaming your current or past self, think of investing in your future self.

For the love of God, sleep. Therapy helps. Medication helps. Meditation helps. But sleeping is the best thing for my anxiety disorder. When I get a good nights rest, I feel so much more in control. I feel ready. I go to sleep around 8-8:45 pm, and I have learned to love it. Please do not fall into the stupid grad school myth that if you’re not working until 2 am, you’re failing. It’s bull. My work is so much better when I feel positive and rested.

I’m not going to pretend I am perfect with my finances yet. Hell, I’m not even close. But sharing my thoughts and perspectives with others may help someone down the line. And the more I share, the better I feel. I shouldn’t be ashamed about my mental health or my finances. Because the more I keep those in the dark, the worse they get.

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If you don’t follow your cat around and meow loudly to try and have a conversation, you’re failing at pet ownership.

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Love this, will be doing it

Job market life:

Wrote some of my dissertation for the first time in about THREE MONTHS today and the guilt was crushing but I feel so much better. I’m trying to write more, even if it’s in 30-minute blocks, which is hard for me because I like to have a whole day blocked off to write. But those don’t really exist right now and maybe never will again??? 

Trying to dissertate at the beginning of each work day for the rest of the semester, even if it’s only a little progress.

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Random, free self-care hack. I always make myself screensavers that resonate with me so I have a constant reminder during finals week. Unsplash has great stock photos that are aesthetically pleasing. Shout out to Maya Angelou for being dope and having great quotes, and Adam Chang for the picture.

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WTF is Self-Care?

I love Tumblr for the community that has open and honest conversations about self-care. I’ve spent some time thinking about what self-care is, how I define it, and how it’s different than indulgence. While I love logging on here and seeing honest, transparent understanding of self-care, here’s what I often hear from other grad students:

“I need to study, but I ended up watching Netflix. But ya know, self-care.”

“I went shopping because, like, self-care.”

“Sleep isn’t a priority.”

“Self-care has been co-opted by white women.”

Basically, there are a few different things I see. Self-care is posited as spending money on your external self, a sign you’re not “truly” woke, or indulging impulses.

Self-care is the act of caring for one’s and providing for one’s physical and psychological needs (Beauchamp & Childress, 2001). This is where it gets tricky though-what is a need and what is an indulgence? What actually makes someone a better graduate student? And how can we balance self-care with not being “woke” enough?

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Impulse vs. Care: I struggle with wanting to indulge my impulses in the name of self-care constantly. I think that spending a few dollars here, there, everywhere will alleviate stress, make me feel better, only to look at my bank account and get in a more stressed situation. For me, that's the biggest challenging in enacting self-care: what is actually caring for my whole self (financially, physically, psychologically), and what is a quick fix?

Internal vs. external: A lot of time self-care is billed via hashtags and social media accounts as face masks, haircuts, and shopping. But that leads to the problem of only hitting that physical aspect of self-care. I feel the need to push myself beyond just applying a mask, to “What will make my mind happy too?”

Privilege vs. Necessity: Ok, I’m writing this from the perspective of a nonwhite, cisgendered, queer woman, in a relatively good financial state. I come from a privileged background, and I have family that has the ability to bail me out if I ever get into a hard spot. I know that often time self-care becomes more of a trend, taken away from calls from prominent Black feminists who billed self-care as a need for Black women to take care of themselves (I see you, Audre Lorde). I agree with this completely. I know that often times, people see self-care as a trend, not something that some people need to survive. We should always recognize privilege and our positionality. That being said, I get upset when I hear people calling other people out for using the term when unnecessary. You can have white privilege and still be dis-privileged through other identities, such as gender, and ability. We shouldn’t discount people’s experience without knowing their whole story, just as we should be aware of the history of it, and focusing on re-defining self-care so it is inclusive and still pays homage to the women of color who brought it to our attention. Basically, “self-care” is not mutually exclusive from “being woke.” That being said, I do think there is a tendency to whitewash self-care, as well as feminize it that needs to be addressed. Type in “self-care” in a stock photo set, and you get a lot of external, white women sipping tea. Where are the men? The people of color? Different sexual orientations? We all need to take care of ourselves, and representation matters.

Photo by Edgar Chaparro on Unsplash

TL;DR: Self-care is complex, and it’s hard to truly take care of yourself vs. falling into the trend. But let’s try.

[mackadesiac]

Conference Packing List

I just got back from 6 DAYS of conferencing–definitely my longest conference to date. So, if you’re in need of business packing that can last you all week, here’s my packing list!

What I packed:

-2 blazers (tan, black)

-2 dresses (black, grey)

-2 shirts (black, plaid)

-Dress pants, pencil skirt

-Flats

-Heeled boots

-For layering: tights, gloves/hat/scarf, jacket

-For relaxing: leggings, oversized sweater, sneakers (I actually wish I had packed a few more relaxed items–even if I was in the hotel for only a couple hours, there was no way I was staying in a pencil skirt so I used my leggings more than anticipated)

As you can see, I stuck to warm neutrals, black, and pops of red. Sticking to a color palette means that everything goes together and can be worn twice. 

Have a plan: I know that taking flatlays is a blogger level of extra, but I really recommend planning out outfits ahead of time. Knowing what I was pairing with what every day took one thing off my mind while I was job marketing and giving talks. 

Test out comfy items ahead of time: My conference MVP this time was absolutely my Frye “Regina” flats. It has taken me YEARS to find comfortable pointed toe flats and I finally did this summer. I wish I had never wasted my money before on conference items that “might” work–if it only feels so-so in the store, there’s no way it’s going to make it to hour 12 on your feet!

Also, LAYERS. So necessary for winter conferences. 

I also had a couple ~~guest bloggers~~, aka my conference buddies who I followed around and snapped pics of to show some different perspectives on conference dressing. Here’s what they had to say:

Mackensie: My blazer is Madewell and my mint pants are Kut from Kloth (similar). My necklace is from Nasty Gal (similar, $28)–a statement necklace makes conference outfits more fun, I think (also, metallics, like these lace up flats). The tan pencil skirt my mom bought me over 5 years ago as an investment in business clothes (similar). She was so right…I tend to stick with Kut from Kloth for jeans. I go to TJMaxx for shoes and other business wear. 

Good advice I got from a prof at this conference was “you don’t have to wait to have tenure to be yourself,” I’ve actually been trying to be ‘less professional’ because that’s often code for ‘white, middle class, heterosexual,’ and I’m definitely only middle class lolol. My number one goal is to be comfortable, both in terms of movement and with being myself. And letting my hair being as curly as I want :)

Megan: I was looking for something that would be easy to wear, and make me feel professional but still fun. My style is pretty lowkey (comp-ing…) but I really enjoy dressing up and conferences provide that. My white shirt is thrifted, and my black pencil skirt is from H&M, and my boots are Old Navy. Old Navy has some really great stuff going on–skinny dress pants, sweaters galore, and they’re always doing Madewell-esque things for half the price. My tan cardigan is also Old Navy, and my olive dress is thrifted.

That’s a wrap for us. Megan and I are currently sitting on the couch watching Law and Order SVU to recover from all the conferencing. I’m ready to get back to dissertating and stop talking about the job market 24 hours a day :) Hope you had a good weekend.

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This is my vibe so hard

Slutty Witch

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Perfecto night in ❤️

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Me: I don’t know why I’m so disconnected from the college students I teach

Also me: And that’s why, like a Horcrux, if you split an ANOVA into too many categories, it’s very unstable. Now some people see null hypothesis as the one true ring but....

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Tonight’s self care is poems with my hair in a satin wrap and a dog ready to cuddle

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Two Questions

I have decided to get through the semester by guiding my actions through two questions:

1. Will this action improve my future self, no matter how small?

2. Will this action bring me joy?

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Note to self: log onto Tumblr more often because Rebecca’s blog is dope.

What I wore, what I read: Sept 17-21

Happy Fall! This week I tried to channel some Fall colors despite the 90 degree temps in Colorado. 

I’ve started a new story of my thrifting adventures on Instagram, and I got this skirt for $5 last weekend!

I thought it would be fun to do a link round-up this week too, some academic some non:

-What does inclusive education look like? This article has really helped me articulate my thoughts as I write job app diversity statements.

-Brett Kavanaugh, and when faculty fail to protect students. Just, ugh. 

-I just bought the cinnamon broom sold at Trader Joe’s, and my house smells like damn magic now (Amazon link only for visual reference–they’re only $5 in the store).

-I am now letting my face air dry because Korean skincare says so.

-Trying not to blow your grad school budget over the weekend? Bring cash. I might try this. 

This week: job apps start being due, and I continue to spin in circles trying to revise dissertation research questions. Ugh. 

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Willa Cather, Nebraska’s favorite author, is the Hufflepuff quote and I feel so loved

The Houses as Literary Quotes + info and insp (♥︎)

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Weekend Problems

Today marks the last weekend before I start comprehensive exams again. I want to get up and do all the productivity things I haven’t been able to do (e.g., laundry, Bullet Journal, make pancakes for lunch). However, both the cat and the dog have decided to cuddle and whenever I think of moving, I am consumed by guilt.