marni-eats-a-nightingale - Tumblr blog

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

Lately I've found it easier going to visit my aunt. Mum suggested it. Living there out in the middle of nowhere, one would think it would turn me into Jack Torrance. But the quiet is peaceful, and even with a busy mind, I can find some rest in it all

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

Ideas sometimes swarm in my head like an angry hive of wasps. If I reach out to grab one, or to let it flutter down to rest on my palm, it is more likely to sting me then to give me any other conclusion.

It sometimes feels pointless to try and imagine it any other way. Ideas never bloom into something more for me.

Sometimes I wish I could never have them at all.

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

🥀 ~ blog intro ~ 🥀

Hello. This is a little intro I wanted to put together for my blog so you can understand why it’s here and what it’s all about. I won't PM with people I don't know in real life. This account is mostly my journal and place to put my thoughts and sometimes books and movies reviews. Please be kind.

Name: Marni

Age: 18

My tag: 🥀

Star sign: ♋️

Fav Colour: Black

Country: 🇨🇦

♟ Hobbies: roller skating, reading, going for walks in the park, exploring, writing, drawing

📱Fav Apps: Tumblr, Instagram, Webtoons, Spotify

📚Fav books: Hair Side, Flesh Side (Helen Marshall), Her Body And Other Parties (Carmen Maria Machado), Cabal (Clive Barker), My Heart Is A Chainsaw (Stephen Graham Jones)

📖Fav Manga: Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba), Remina (Junji Ito), Black Butler (Yana Toboso), Tokyo Ghoul (Sui Ishida), Uzumaki (Junji Ito)

✏️Fav Comics: Venom (Tom DeFranco), Fence (C.S. Pacat), Spawn (Todd McFarlane), Immortal Hulk (Al Ewing), Doom Patrol (Grant Morrison), Sandman (Neil Gaiman), Saga (Brian K. Vaughan), Sunstone (Stjepan Šejić)

💻Fav Webcomics: Melvina's Therapy (A. Rasen), Castle Swimmer (Wendy Lian Martin), Suitor Armour (Purpah), Lore Olympus (Rachel Smythe), The Strange Tales of Oscar Zahn (Tri Vuong)

🍿Fav Movies: Exorcist (William Friedkin), But I’m A Cheerleader (Jamie Babbit), Portrait of a Lady on Fire (Céline Sciamma), The Love Witch (Anna Biller)

📺Fav TV Shows: Euphoria, The Umbrella Academy, Criminal Minds, X-Files, Doom Patrol, Hannibal, The Haunting of Hill House

🌸Fav Anime(s): Death Note, Castlevania, Boogiepop Phantom, The Flowers of Evil, Ghost Hunt, Hell Girl, Paranoia Agent

🎼Musical Artists: dodie, Grimes, Joji, The Velvet Underground, Hole, Taeko Onuki, Cocteau Twins, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Miki Matsubara, BTS, The Rose, SEVENTEEN, All Them Witches

🎧Fav Podcasts: Welcome to Nightvale, The Magus Archives, The Left Right Game

🎨Fav Artists: Renee Magritte, Vincent Van Gogh, Junji Ito

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

Book Review: Black River by Josh Simmons

I don't think I've ever read a book that made me physically repulsed before, and I've read some pretty messed up stuff. However, this book has succeeded in being the most repugnant and disgusting thing that I've ever read. I don't mind sensitive topics being covered in a post apocalyptic settings (like rape or extreme violence). However, this story uses these things purposelessly not to show how hopeless the world of this universe is, but for the hell of it. Or that is at least how it feels due to the poor quality of the writing.

I could understand that perhaps Simmons was trying to show how utterly hopeless and pointless these particular characters need for survival ultimately is as all these bad things happened to them, but none of it had a rhythm or even a clear motivation to it. I get that it might being going for the angle that the apocalypse if it ever happens is going to suck, but it doesn't even successfully achieve that, as we don't spend enough time in the world to understand what happens, why it sucks, or why any of it even matters. Not that there has to be an inherent meaning in everything. Simmons could be going some cold nihilistic existential bleak outlook on existence (which I believe he is), but I have Camus and Sartre for that (they're better at writing about that stuff anyway). 

This authors nihilistic approach feels more like that one emo kid who thinks he's super deep, philosophical and subversive for putting a bunch of heavy subject-matter in his short story for creative writing, coming off as a desperate ploy for attention as he isn't creative enough to actually try writing an actual story. 

I read a book the other day called Laid Waste (Julia Gfrörer) which handles its grim and hard subject-matter leaps and bounds better than this book ever could hope to, and it does it 80 pages. Though it isn't post-apocalyptic, it does have that overhanging sense of grim existentialism and deals with themes of entropy (something I believe Black River also attempts and fails miserably on). The story is violent act after violent act without any context or even a shred of character to it. Not to mention that all the characters in the story ranged from one-dimensional to no-dimensional as they had no defining traits or characteristics that made them seem even a little like they had a personality. There were hints to some possibly having personalities (if you consider a character who's only lines of dialogue is repeating the word "dickpussy" over and over again to be a character trait). There is one battle-hardened character named Seka who has at least that going for her, but there is nothing else to her other than that she is tough. No other personality traits. She instead becomes that one cliche tough-no-nonsense female character that is often seen in these types of media al-la Furiosa (Mad Max Fury Road), Michone (Walking Dead), Vic McQueen (NOS4A2, not a post-apocalyptic novel but uses the same general archetype) and Ellen Ripley (Alien), but without any of the charm or distinguishing personality that sets these characters apart from one another. Because this story refuses to have any actual characters, instead opting for cardboard-cut-outs of characters that are there solely to have bad things happen to them, the story lacks any tension or stakes. We don't care what happens and are instead disgusted with the fact that someone would even write this stuff the way they did in the first place. This of course brings us to the long and drawn out section of this short book involving the rape and murder of a lot of the main cast. I have never seen a story handle this subject matter worse than this book, and I've read a couple books that deal with this stuff. The rape is done to characters we don't care about for shock value and nothing more (which is not how rape should ever be treated in any story whatsoever). It is a disgusting and reprehensible thing to write about. It is clear that the author either doesn't understand the gravity of what he is writing about or doesn't care. There is also this stereotypical post-apocalyptic bad guy (Benji) who spouts of things like "I hurt people who are close to me" and "I did things to other human beings I never could have imagined." Like thanks for the info Mr. Walking-Cliche-Villain. Benji's lines are tired and don't have much of any bearing on the themes of the overall story, not that the story is actually any good. There is also a scene where one of the "characters" we meet at the halfway point of the story (Caramel) who is barely even discussed that much after her introduction is senselessly raped and then killed. She doesn't have any purpose in the narrative and is just there for her death to be trauma-fuel and shocking. Caramel's death is used as a gimmick in this scene in order to push the characters into acting, and it's horrible. Her's is of course not the only death in this book or scene that is pointless and hollow. Now, I want to mention the pacing, which is the worst that I've ever seen in any book thus far. The book takes place over the course of a couple weeks (maybe, it's not clear) and then jumps forward twelve years at the end of the book, however due to its length of 109 pages (thank god it didn't go on longer) the book has to be condensed. This makes it so you don't know how much time is passing and it can be confusing. For example when characters like Daisy, Seka, Shaunna, etc, got upset over Caramel's death enough to go after the men who had captured them, I was confused. I guess you could say the very acts these men committed were horrific and thus Caramel's death was the breaking point, but I didn't understand why characters were crying over her since it seemed that they had just met her two days ago. The pacing is poor and doesn't allow for character growth and development to occur naturally. There even has to be an offhand comment near the end of the book saying "it's been twelve years" in order to establish that time has passed instead of showing us that the time has passed. The final thing I am going to touch on briefly is how bad the artwork is. It's not the worst I've seen, but it's still ugly and sometimes makes it hard to distinguish who certain characters are due to the poor rendering. There is a scene near the end of the book where it looks like a bunch of characters are in a war-zone eating human flesh or bleeding from the mouth (either could be viable) and it's so unclear because of how badly the story is structured and how poor the art is done what the heck is going on. All in all, this book was a massive piece of garbage. Not hot garbage like How We Live Now or trashy fun like A Court Of Thorns And Roses (Sarah J. Maas). This book is actual trash. Don't buy it as a gift for a friend unless you hate them, and definitely don't buy it for yourself. If you want to read a good graphic novel set in a post-apocalyptic/dystopian world, check out the following: The Walking Dead (Robert Kirkman), The Wrenchies (Farel Dalrymple), Akira (Katsuhiro Otomo), Y: The Last Man (Brian K. Vaughan), or V For Vendetta (Alan Moore). Literally anything is better to spend your money and time on than this novel. $20 dollars is not worth the amount of hateful and poorly written tripe that is found in this book.

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving. i wish people would stop leaving.

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

I think the reason I relate so much to horror movies is because I see myself in the monsters. I see myself in the twisted and unwanted, the afraid and rejected. I wish I could tell them that there are better things out there, but I don’t know if that’s true, I don’t know if I’d be feeding them a lie just to make them feel better, to make all that pain and rejection just a little less sharp.

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

has anyone experienced someone hating them for no reason? i have and i just don’t know what to do about it... i wish i was one of those people who could brush it off and move on with life, but i’m not. things like that stick to me like toffee sticking to the roof of your mouth. i can’t let stuff like that go. maybe that’s why people hate me 

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

why can’t I write?! It feels like all the creativity I usually have is sapped out of my bones. All I feel is emptiness where my creativity should be and a bad headache coming on its place.

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

when I look into the future all I can see is the end. I can’t see new beginning clearly. It’s like looking through frosted glass. I know it all ends the same for each of our stories, but what scares me are all the uncertain moments in between.

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

Eye into a new world

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

God is this true. I wish it wasn’t

“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts,rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.”

— Liam Neeson - (hatin)

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

I don’t know why your angry with me. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells whenever we talk. I hate the way you make me feel. Like I’ll never be good enough.

One moment our friendship is solid and your kind and happy. All smiles and kind words. The next your cold looks and clipped sentences.

You talk about keeping a list. Have you been checking it twice? Determined that minor things I did were worth the subtle jabs.

How can I make you happy? How can I make you like me again? How do I get the bad things to stop? I just want it to stop.

You remind me of him sometimes.

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

I can’t escape this feeling that everything is closing in, so sometimes it’s better to just let it go. This kind of post reminds me I can do that, but not in front of them

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

Dear Friend,

I don’t know how to say goodbye. Goodbyes are never easy and usually with things like this they aren’t said allowed. They are said in a look, a subtle glance, something passing between two people.

For some reason this goodbye hurts more then all the others that came before. Maybe because I trusted you more then I did the others. They told me things. Things that scorched and soured over time, leaving only bitter poison and old wounds. I look back on us and we never really did much in the way of fighting. Maybe I got frustrated but it was never directed at you. I hope you know that.

It’s ironic that our first major conflict would be our last. That you would hurt me without knowing, yet I have a feeling scratching at the back of my mind that you always knew. Knew that when I said I was okay, I wasn’t. That I was wrong, that my manic frenzied thoughts that lead me through life on fast forward through circles like a demented racetrack horse trying to reach a finish line that doesn’t exist, were all things you could see plainly.

Ignorance and naivety are not an excuse. You not thinking almost hurts more then you being like the others and doing this on purpose. Now I can’t look at you without seeing their face, and knowing that they are doing the same things to you that they did to me. Not because I love them. I’d rather douse myself and gasoline and strike a match then love them. But because the ultimate betrayal is to be with someone who was once mine.

If you think what they give is love then your more of an idiot then I was for saying I was fine. If you think it’s real then there is no helping you. Right now I wouldn’t care if your failed joy consumed you so that when it imploded and you realize that everything they gave you was built on lies, you were broken beyond repair. I always have reached out a hand to support you when you needed me, but I won’t let you do it again. Like the others did, I won’t let the cycle continue.

I’m not in the business of drinking your poison, or wrapping your wounds, while mine bleed.

[marni-eats-a-nightingale]

I recently finished The Stand after over a year of trying to finish it. I found the book to be both very good and also quite boring. Perhaps that isn’t what most Stephen King fans wanted to hear, but that is how I feel.

I found it difficult to get attached to characters and thusly I struggled to get fully immersed in the story. The only characters I really cared for were Stu Redman, Nick Andros and Tom Cullen. I liked how funny Stu was and found him to be a really interesting character to follow. His and Tom’s section near the end where they spent Christmas together was my favourite scene in the entire book. It was so wholesome.

The middle section of the book really dragged and I found reading from the perspectives of Trashcan Man, Randall Flagg, and Frannie Goldsmith to be very dull. I especially didn’t like reading from Flagg and Trash’s perspective because it gave away to much about the bad guys side of things and I found it took some of the mystery and tension away from the Vegas community and from Flagg himself.

I found the ending kinda underwhelming, as I was expecting a war between Flagg’s people and the Free Zone, but it wasn’t anything like that. It was basically a Trashy-ex-machina that saved everyone from having that happen. Guess the back of the book lied to me. Though I don’t regret reading this book. There were some good moments, but I won’t be rereading it most likely.