medullalyweird

[medullalyweird]

Haha

cooking with trauma

[medullalyweird]

I am scared.

Whenever I think about leaving, the butterflies in my stomach flap their wings. Hard.

My limbs ache, and my mental state is worse. I hate it. Sorry, did I just... betrayed you?

I promised I would never leave.

And I thought so, too. That we'll never be apart.

But somehow, time force me to leave... tragic pain.

It is consuming me - the desire to hold you, to destroy whatever obstacles that keeps me away from you, to rip their bodies and tear their mind apart, watch their filthy, red blood spill out like rain... and to still hold you in my arms - even if you hurts.

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry for being selfish.

Please, could you still love me?

Love me please.

LOVE ME.

[medullalyweird]

Gentleness

Grounded. Fixed. Anchored. Charred, though clean. Perplexed, though keen. Diabolical state of being in a chaotic adventure that is living.

Somatisensory response. It's quite the sport. Don't you think? Interpreting the innermost yet complex reality that's wilding within, sometimes.

Not the absence of chaos, but despite the abundance of it. Clearly you wouldn't even begin to understand the chaos that it took to remain this gentle.

Wait. Stay. Kind. See. Leave. Keen. Shield. My wishful amour.

[medullalyweird]

[medullalyweird]

Hyperfocused..

Wheels turning, turning wheels, wheels turning, turning wheels again, and again, and again when does it end?

Brain feels empty, heart sore and bitter butter, swollen eyes and an ache that's been lingering for the longest time.

Meaningless, purposeless, pointless, doesn't even start to describe the definition that is the present.

Closing my eyes, tag on my throat and semi tears in my eyes, hoping that I'll look up and be gentle. Not a word the world recognises, though I hope is a state that my heart will appreciate and embrace all things considered.

What if this is part of the journey? What if it all makes sense? What if it all works out? Just What if I am among the exceedingly abundantly above? What if?

❤️kindness, gentleness, compassion, mercy, hope, love,...may wheels turn, turning wheels turn, turning and turning again to a new rhythm.

[medullalyweird]

Hi

[medullalyweird]

Wednesday afternoon, spiraling isn't uncommon as it had been for the past three weeks, or is it a culmination of life lived in two years now?

So, let's break it down (mid brain insists). Rent due in ten days, work situation isn't giving at all, side income, dry, depts from the bank, from the tariff and also heavily from a friend. The reminder messages gut cutting indeed.

Did I mention the lights are off and all there is is twenty eight sh credit.

Oh, let alone the investment policy owing 20 grand.

What should this twenty something human being do? This is not the life they hoped for. Fair enough they didn't think they'd reach this far, though the hope, the endurance, the zeal, the effort and strength. This cannot be the end. Didn't come this far to reach this far. Isn't it?

It will get better right? Will it? It does right? Seen it get better for some people, also worse for others... that's where anxiety kicks in.

Still, hope that situations change in favour. Universe collude to favour the circumstances. Yes?

[medullalyweird]

The mind. Such a labyrinthine. An abys yet to be completely expored. Complex in not only its functionality but also in its convoluted anatomy. Stay with me. Let's try and attempt to scratch its base. Hope we don't end up with a basilar fracture or, worse of all, comminuted fracture. That would be catastrophic, wouldn't it?